A fragile peace has come over me, regarding TUF and related things. Peace because I'm not so worried about it anymore, but fragile because even something small can disrupt that peace. Case in point: you might be familiar with the YouTube series "Did You Know Gaming." They recently released an episode about Shin Megami Tensei. You might already see where this is going. But since most of you don't, I'll give some background. When I first started considering the theory that my kin type might be a demon of some sort, I decided to play Shin Megami Tensei 3, which involves the player character being transformed into a semi-demon. And you bet it is forced on him. The fact that this game caused a serious but short lived bout of TUF gave some credence to the theory.
I avoided watching the DYKG video for a while because I knew it could cause problems for me if it talked about SMT3. But I decided to bite the bullet this morning and watch anyway. As soon as SMT3 was mentioned I put my head down and took my eyes off of the TV. But I looked up at the worst possible time, when the video showed the game's protagonist, and I felt a jolt that disturbed be for a few minutes.
I'm fine now; it didn't last long. But it was a good warning that my emotional state is still vulnerable because of GenCon. It could also be that it happened because I expected it to, but I'm fine with saying it was both. It also made me wonder if all of my work to figure out my kin type, and then my past life, has been worth it. It won't bring me back to those things. It won't make my situation any better. So is it really worth all the trouble? I have mixed feelings about saying that it is. For one thing, I think it's important for me to be who and what I really am (as much as possible). It's a part of my identity. For another, knowing more about this helps me know what to avoid. I now know to avoid things like SMT3, which I wouldn't have known if I didn't explore the demon theory.
The problem is that I run headfirst into things I should avoid sometimes, but that's a different issue. The good news is, I am holding together. And I am making progress. And I want to thank everyone who's read and replied to my forum and blog posts for helping me with that. I've made a ton of progress since I joined this site. Here's hoping it does turn out to be worth the trouble.
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