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    Latest Entry

    I had to remake this because...for some reason, I cannot delete entries anymore and stuff so I had to delete the whole damned thing. Anyway, going over past entries again...

    May 14, 2017

    I started having "you're a coyote" dreams again. These usually end up with me later realizing when I am awake that I still have a coyote theriotype. I'm usually visited by an old man and he looks me in the eyes and says in a somewhat menacing tone, "I know your kind too well. I can tell that you sure as hell are a coyote."

    I'm not sure who this old man is. I am never thinking of the possibility of myself being a coyote before I have these recurring dreams so I doubt it has anything to do with me processing things subconsciously. I don't know if he is some kind of guide or what. He seems menacing but not dishonest. Perhaps the bit of menace is misinterpreted and he is just sick of me tricking myself up over and over if he is a guide. I'll take a pendulum to this later on. The accuracy of a pendulum varies depending on the person using it and tends to be more accurate if you are using it yourself as it connects to the parts of the subconscious. I have to remember the message of The Daemon Tarot when I inquired on figuring out otherkin stuff. "Focus on being honest with yourself" said Orobas. Who am I to argue with that advice? I am no one to argue, that's who. I'm trying very hard to be honest with myself.

    It seems I only have a firm enough grasp on being Handsome Jack because I am also doubting that I'm a demon as well as doubting that I'm a cat. I am not a cat. I am someone who absorbed their behavior and has a general -hearted connection to the family Felidae as a whole. Claiming to be a demon gives me some really bad feelings. Those feel like I'm not being honest with myself and simply mistaking myself for a demon based on the connections I feel (towards the Goetics, specifically). If someone can mistake their totems & guides for theriotypes and what not, why can't I mistake myself for a demon based on similar criteria? This really throws me for a loop.

    Coyote doesn't feel separate from me. As far as I can tell, there is no coyote influence in my life. The only thing resembling a coyote is myself on some non-physical level. An interesting blending of both human and coyote with varying degrees of fluctuations in which one is felt more strongly than the other. I'm usually always slightly more coyote than human. I base this off of what I have learned about the species as animals rather than as symbols. The symbolism and folklore is to be left for someone else to deal with. It isn't for me and I really don't find it too applicable to what I am. There's nothing special about being a coyote to me. I just cannot see what most others see about being a coyote. Maybe I'm just looking at it too objectively but coyotes are coyotes, whether therianthropes or not, nothing more and nothing less.

    I guess this may as well be the point where I stop caring and just resign myself to the fate of being a coyote therian who has too many extremely theriotype-esque cameo shifts (both involuntary and self-induced).

    May 16, 2017

    I mentioned this before that I would have dreams during my denial phases of Grumpy Old Man coming up to me and telling me that I'm a coyote and I know it so I need to stop trying not to be a coyote. These only happen during denial. Whether he is a part of my subconscious or a spirit guide of some kind is up for debate. I did receive what I believe to have been a sign after the most recent dream. I never asked for a sign, it just appeared at random as I was checking out one of the Spotify playlists I follow (if you have Spotify and are curious, it was on the the "Indie Folk: Western Vistas"). The song's name is "Coyote Caller" by Joshua James. I'm not sure how the lyrics fit in exactly. I don't think they actually do. I think I was supposed to pay attention to the name and it did indeed call me in to listen to it out of my curiosity. Coyote caller, indeed and not a bad song...I recommend it. I'm going to accept this sign. I have a feeling that due to the fact that I have resigned myself to my fate of being a coyote therian with no other therio/kintypes who also happens to be Handsome Jack...I'm not going to get a third sign. I think, if Grumpy Old Man is a guide, he influenced the placement of the sign. He knows the best places to put such signs so I find them.

    On a different note, I was thinking about how many other coyote therians seem to intertwine mythology/archetypal symbolism into their narratives on being a coyote. I don't understand it. I tried to do the same before and that just seemed very unnatural, clunky. My experience of being a coyote also differs so much and I cannot explain accurately in words. I simply cannot tell you what being a coyote is like for me. Being a coyote just is. Being a coyote is not being an archetype or myth or symbol. I am not any of the things those coyotes I am thinking of claim to be. I am coyote with no mythology or symbolism attached.

    May 18, 2017

    For whatever reason, I tend to associate songs with my 'types. I don't even have a reason known to myself for why I associate songs with my theriotype. With my fictotype, it is a lot easier to understand and see my reasoning. In this entry, I have decided to share a few of those songs (the not-so-obvious ones in the case of my theriotype, though). Listen at your own discretion since some of these songs do have strong language and/or violent/dark themes

    Coyote Songs:

    "Fear" by X Ambassadors
    "My Silver Lining" by First Aid Kit
    "Desert Song" by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros
    "Barton Hollow" by The Civil Wars
    "No One to Nothing" by Mother Mother
    "Land of Broken Promises" by IAMX

    Handsome Jack Songs:

    "Another Way Out" by Hollywood Undead
    "The World Ender" by Lord Huron
    "Left Hand Free" by Alt-J
    "I'm Only Joking" by KONGOS
    "Superpower" by X Ambassadors
    "Satin in a Coffin" by Modest Mouse
    "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay

    Somehow Overlapping Songs:

    "Glitter & Gold" by Barns Courtney
    "It Will Come Back" by Hozier
    There are others but I am too lazy to add more to this. Maybe later.

  1. I had a bit of a revelation this morning. 

    One of the issues that I have in my daily life has always been that I don't do things unless I'm asked to do them. It's not that I don't want to help, or that I wouldn't offer to help. It's not that I'm lazy. I'm not thinking of it. The command hasn't been given to the metaphorical automation system that runs this body. I'll answer any question posed at me, but I have a very hard time asking questions. I have to force myself to remember to ask people questions. Y'know, instead of responding to everything my partner in conversation throws at me like an oversized, analog Siri. 

    I come off as uninterested in people I deeply care about. I come off as lazy in the workplace because I'm not a "self-starter" or "go-getter". I do the tasks specifically given to me, nothing more and nothing less.

    The thing is, I'm not lazy. If I were told exactly what I need to do, I'd do it to as-close-to-perfection-as-I-could-get every time. If I were given a long list of tasks, I'd gladly work hours and hours until they're done. I just need the command. It's how my mind functions. Without input, there is no output. Having understanding of this part of myself is the first step toward changing it for the better. I want to do things of my own free will because I have it now. I have to learn to use it. Free will isn't something my soul is used to.

    This isn't a sad blog post, no, just an introspective one. The more I analyze myself, the more I can't deny my identity. Had to write this out while the thoughts were fresh in my mind.

  2. I haven't been posting on here enough... there's a lot of stuff I'd like to write about, but I just never seem to get around to it.

    But right now, what I'm writing about isn't kin-related whatsoever. It's just a very strange, vivid series of dreams I've had every night over the past week or so. They're not exactly linear, but the setting is always the same, so much that I could probably make a map of the location by now.

    Ever heard of the game Subnautica? In it, you are the lone survivor of a spacecraft that crash landed on an alien ocean planet, full of bizarre and dangerous life. Well, that's basically what I've been dreaming about. Like Subnautica, but... different. And I have absolutely no idea why I keep dreaming of this. I haven't been playing the game recently, or even thinking about it.

    In my dreams, all the human technology is pretty much the same. At the time where the dream starts, I already have a couple of underwater bases and a Cyclops (a large submarine). However, the alien life is a little different. As well as the general planet's appearance. It's a lot more "natural" and realistic, like how I imagine it would look if there were no limitations on how big and intricate you can make a game world. The area I'm most familiar with is a stretch of coastline along the side of a sheer mountain island; there's a small area of safe, shallow water around it (where my sunken, broken lifepod is located), and beyond that is a vast forest of kelp.

    The alien wildlife all looks completely real. The creatures I encountered most frequently were the stalkers, which were generally okay to deal with because, for one, they're not that big, and for two, they're not really aggressive as long as you don't go out at night. However, in my dream, there was a much more dangerous inhabitant of the area I was in. I somehow knew it was a relative of the stalkers, but was much more hostile. It was a leviathan-class creature that had the appearance of something half-way between a crocodile and a seal, with similar "frills" to the stalkers but in a different orientation. It liked to lurk around the coastline and appear at the worst possible moments, which was honestly terrifying! Even when I was in my big ass submarine, I didn't feel particularly safe. It was maybe the same length as my Cyclops, but much bulkier and with a huge head and powerful jaws. That thing was just... oh man, it was terrifying. I was constantly on edge, waiting for it to jump out at me.

    To the north of the kelp area, the landscape gradually changed into something more resembling the mushroom forest region, though I never travelled far in that direction. Going that way meant trying to get past the stalker-leviathan without getting eaten, which was not a particularly appealing idea for me.

    As you travelled further from the island, the seabed gradually dropped off into a deeper, rockier and more open territory, spattered with patches of bioluminescent plants and coral. The seabed was lined with deep fissures which were probably the safest place in the entire region - the reason being that they were too small for the reaper leviathans to fit in. Oh yes, there were lots of reapers. They each seemed to have their own territory, so I never saw two close together, but one is scary enough to be honest. I had a small base built in that area, in one of the crags where it was "safe" from the reapers. But, well, I can't say it really felt safe when I was in there. And it was absolutely terrifying sneaking in and out of that base, trying to keep my little Seamoth submersible hidden from these huge, aggressive sea-serpents and their freaky face-claw-tentacle things. *shudders*

    Beneath that area is a series of large caverns containing flora and fauna that aren't in the actual game Subnautica. I had a small base built in one of those too, in a cavern big enough to drive my Cyclops into. In one particularly memorable dream, I was in that cavern trying to patch up the leaks in my sea base and Cyclops, which I think were springing up thanks to some kind of hostile lifeform? But I don't think I ever actually saw what was causing them. Between that and the whole claustrophobia thing, that situation was... umm, somewhat less than enjoyable.

    In the dream I had last night, I was heading towards the mushroom forest in my Cyclops for some reason I can't remember. On the border between the kelp-mushroom transition zone and the small, shallow coastal area, my Cyclops ran out of power, and I stuck one of my backup power cells in the engine... thing and started to head back to my home base, where I could either charge up the drained cells or make some new ones. But on the way back, I encountered good old mega-stalker, and it decided to viciously assault the big window on the front of my submarine. And then there were all these sirens and flashing lights, and my Cyclops lurched to one side as cracks began to form in the window, and I decided to escape while the mega-stalker was busy mangling that big, industrial-grade submarine. I made it back to the base without being eaten, which is good, but the entire time I felt like that thing was right behind me and I didn't dare look back to see if I was right.

    So, yes. This week's dreams have certainly been... interesting. My subconscious sure is a weird place. I can attest to this. Their subconscious is the wildest kind of ride, I swear. 

  3. (If you've played Persona 5 you know where the title comes from)


    As I noted previously, I've been spending significantly less time on the site during the past week or two than I normally do. This is because I'm currently without a job, which throws my whole routine out of whack. That being said, I wanted to at least provide an update on things that have happened or come up recently.


    First, a new brief flash of a potential past life memory has come to me since I last wrote about such things. It had me as a faun, except with a longer tail, wearing some sort of turban or headband, and looking sadly at what appeared to be a Child’s drawing in crayon. I'm not sure if this is something that was drawn by me, or a family member, or what, but it does raise the question of family in my past life. When I was transformed into a fauntaur, did I leave a family behind? If so, did I ever see them again? And did they see me? It's not the most important of questions, I realize, but it's one worth considering. It's also noteworthy that this image came to me during a writing meditation. It's a method I'll be sure to try again in the future.


    The next notable thing is a new theory about my past life. It's a minor one, but important. I've said before that whatever transformed me in my past life had to be extremely powerful, enough that it could transform both my body and my spirit. I more or less narrowed this down to djinn and gods. But I assumed that if it was a god, it was Pan or someone I pissed off. But who's to say that’s the case? Especially given the relationship I might have had with Pan, if he had any rival gods (looking at you, Apollo), I could see them doing it. Something like, “Hey Pan, now one of the humans you like is as ugly as you!” The Greek gods were petty. Actually, the idea of it being Apollo does make a lot of sense when I think about it. Different Greek gods have been shown to have different abilities, so there’s no way to know for certain whether Pan or any other god has the power to transform people if the mythology doesn’t show them with that power. But Apollo has been shown to have that power, and in fact he’s been shown to use it on a follower of Pan. Maybe that’s why the story about King Midas stood out so much to me. It’s only a theory for now, as I don’t have any personal evidence, but it makes sense logically. Perhaps I should read up some more on Apollo, and see if that would really fit his character.


    Speaking of Pan, while I was at the Art Institute of Chicago today, I ran into a statue of Pan himself. It was good to see, and I grabbed a picture, which I'll try to post soon. It didn't really evoke anything, but I always appreciate art that features Pan, fauns, and centaurs. There were also a fair few pieces that featured Apollo, so that’s...something, I guess. Even if my new theory isn’t true, I can’t help but not like the guy due to the rivalry with Pan. There’s also something else of import I noticed about the classical artwork I saw both here and in Europe featuring satyrs and fauns: a lot of times, especially in older works, they’re depicted as basically looking like humans; no hooves or horns or even horse ears and tails like the classical Greek satyrs are said to have. But Pan is always depicted as having goat legs and horns, generally speaking. The statue at the Art Institute doesn’t appear to have horns, but as it dates back to ancient Rome and was later restored, they’re likely just missing rather than excluded. Now, this ties back to the theory from above. If I was transformed into a fauntaur as a mockery of Pan, it would explain why I don’t quite match the ancient ideas and appearances of fauns and satyrs.


    The main reason I haven’t been on the forums a lot lately is that my schedule is all kind of messed up due to not having a job currently (something that I hope will be remedied very soon). But to be honest, that isn’t the only reason. I feel like the community has changed a lot. Remember, I’m an old timer when it comes to otherkin forums. It seems like more and more things are being accepted here without question, things that I don’t think should be accepted so easily. People make claims that seem insane to me, and nobody else bats an eye. Sometimes I say something publicly about it, but usually I just move past it because I don’t want to be the dick of the forum. I said in the past that we shouldn’t be too hard on new members, but I also warned that we shouldn’t be too soft on them either. I’ll do what I can to keep doing what I have been doing: questioning people politely. But honestly, it gets to the point that it angers me sometimes. Not just because I think it’s bad for people’s discovery if we don’t question them, but also because it feels like my only choices are to go along with it or be the bad guy.


    It also makes my own position feel worse and worse. The more people claim to be able to experience and do, the more painfully clear it is how much I can’t experience or do. Is that jealousy? Maybe; it depends on how much I trust people to be on the level. Either way, sometimes it feels like I just don’t have a place here anymore. I don’t shift, I don’t know exactly what I am, I don’t have any special abilities, and I don’t have any solid past life memories. And more and more it seems like I’m the only one who doesn’t. So I can’t really help anybody, and that’s one of the main reasons I joined this site. And I can’t get help, because my experiences are so different from everyone else’s. I feel like the forum has moved on without me. So I don’t know if I’m going to get back to being active on the forums. I’ll try, but I can’t say for certain if it’s going to happen. I’ll still be available via direct message and I’ll still keep blogging, but I don’t know about the rest. Either way, if anyone is looking for me, I’ll be around.

  4. Sometimes I wish I never remembered that I was Dempsey because ever since I remembered the feelings I had for Richtofen decided to make themselves known again. Yes I know we probably won't get together in this life and I'm trying to suppress the feelings or at least ease them but nothing works.  I also hate missing the other three guys because I feel like I should have tried to save them, I didn't deserve to die last. I do miss the others when I was Takeo, Roman Empire, a dragon, and Hunk from Voltron Legendary Defenders but I'm more close to my Dempsey self. Which is probably due to the fact that out of all my kins Dempsey is the one that I have the most memories with and the fact that I was in a relationship.  So to shorten this I'm sad, missing the others, still in love with Richtofen 1.0 and stressed over the fact that I love Nazi Richtofen because of what the Nazis did during WWII. 


    One the plus side I'm going to visit a college tomorrow. 

  5. Shezep
    Latest Entry

    Service is at the core of my being, but you know what else is at the core of my being? The core of MY being. That's a lesson I've had trouble learning. It has gotten me in trouble more than once. 

    I went back to see Ra last night after not visiting in months. We used to have a "servant with benefits" arrangement going on. I was the servant, anyway. He'd infuse me with his energy and then I'd use it to do magic in the astral. Sometimes he'd tell me what he wanted done, and sometimes I'd improvise. Over time that became a problem for two reasons. I started getting addicted to his energy, and the whole arrangement started messing with my head. 

    Last night when he started saying "Mine," I stopped him. No, I belong to myself. I serve you because I believe in you, but you do not own me. Once I made that clear, we hooked up anyway, because truthfully I did always like that part. I did not wait for him to give me instructions afterward. I'm supposed to be retired, if only temporarily, anyway. 

    I grew up as a servant, no, not really, but kids aren't given any choice in how they are raised. Carrot and stick, praise and shame, and long hours of pointless busy work with consequences if it's not done perfectly right. Physically, I had it easy, no denying that. But when I couldn't meet their demands, day after day. When my best wasn't good enough again and again, it ate away at my spirit. Most kids seem to shrug this off, either that or they're good at faking it. I could not. 

    When you're a guard or a warrior, and your best isn't good enough, people die. Somehow it never occurred to me that being less than perfect was anything other than life and death. Being less than perfect was not acceptable. It never occurred to me that I had a right, even a necessity, to think of myself first. Also, that I'm human, and perfection is a ridiculous thing to expect from me.  

    Then there's religion. Do stuff for the gods. Give stuff to the gods. Serve the gods. I got caught up in all of that too. In the KO they say serve your gods first. That's partly how I ended up with Ra. Ra is old school. He believes in hierarchy as a means to secure order. We had many discussions over it. Having grown up in America, some of that was uncomfortable and a bit of a culture shock. I tried doing it their way. I poked my nose back in over at the forums again. I asked who I should PM about dropping part of my name and downgrading from shemsu to remetj, because I was no longer serving Ra directly. They welcomed me, but I got no answer to my request. Within a few days, I realized that I didn't care enough to bother. Maybe I just wanted to show myself that making the request in the first place was the logical next step. That everything that led to it had been a series of logical steps. I belong to me, not to Them. Whether I serve or not is a choice, not a duty. Maybe Hemet was right about one thing, it is a human religion, and since I'm not human, what am I doing there? What need does it fulfill for me? I went seeking knowledge and I got that. It was a valuable experience, but not one I need to hold on to. 

    It's not just because I'm kin either. Any human who does a cost/benefit analysis and doesn't like what they see should walk away. We often forget to do the analyzing. People just say "trust me," or "this is supposed to be how it works," and we believe them.

    That still counts for walking away from someone who is more powerful than you. If you can't leave, then give them just enough to get by, but never give them your soul. Ra proved to me that he is more powerful, at least in my current incarnation. He fried my energy and drove me insane for a couple months because he wanted to get my attention. I don't think it was his plan to hurt me, just that he's not very good with humans. I got the impression that he only wanted to speak to the Heru within me and thought that my human side was just a minor and temporary inconvenience.  So, yes, he could hurt me. 

    Then I went back to touch base with the herus, to affirm that I am with them and they are with me. I sometimes complain about being alone, or that I can't hear the Song from here. They assured me that it's always there whether I think of it or not. It's like background noise at this point, so I don't always notice it, but they haven't gone anywhere. 

  6. One of the most popular questions I tend to get from those curious enough to ask regards how my species reproduces. Common "knowledge" of the Grays often include the notion of cloning as a means of reproduction, and this is not far off the mark at all. We were a highly advanced society and, as such societies are wont to do, we got heavily into genetic engineering as a means of improving our species. I have no idea how long ago it began, and I have no idea what we were like before that time. Perhaps that information was not deemed relevant enough for me to be made aware of it.

    We had inevitably reached a point of such widespread genetic engineering that natural reproduction became undesirable and far more trouble than it was worth. We'd long since relied on cloning as our primary means of reproduction, which of course presents problems of its own. Natural genetic evolution was stagnated in favor of a more structured, deliberate version. This of course opened us up for a greater chance of complication from disease, but our immune systems were constantly monitored and bolstered by other means whenever practical. By the time I was born, I think we'd more or less engineered our reproductive systems away, making us incapable of natural reproduction anymore. This wasn't just a disposal of a now-redundant biological function. It was quite purposeful. It is far easier to precisely control population growth when you limit the ability to reproduce to your own labs.

    Children weren't something that were seen walking around. We were "grown" until adulthood, our bodies comatose and electrically stimulated to keep our muscles from atrophying, all the while our minds were trained in a sort of simulation. By the time we are "born," we are fully grown, fully educated, and ready to attend to the duties we'd been prepared for. This preparation was both genetic as well as mental. We were essentially built for our specific duties, and changing jobs was unheard of. Not that anyone ever wanted to. Usually, you were made to be uniquely adept at your assigned duty, and more or less "programmed" to enjoy it, all before you ever drew your first breath.

    The concept of "family" was long extinct to us. We had no parents. The labs were your parents. We had no siblings. Those in the same profession as you were as your siblings. We had no descendants. The closest one could come to actually having children of their own would be to become so superior to all others in your profession that the labs marked your genetic make-up as highly desirable, and thus closely copy it for future iterations.

    We had two names; our personal name, analogous to one's first name in western human conventions, and a professional name, which took the place of a surname. One's surname was more a title than a mark of lineage. Mine, V'kiir, was shared among all other ambassadors. Myurr was what distinguished me from them.

    The concept of "love" was also a dead one. With courtship no longer necessary and with no children in need of protecting, what use would we have for such an emotion? Of course, changing the structure and functionality of the brain is far more difficult than simply eliminating a few less-complex internal organs from our genetic code. The feeling was more directed towards whatever our assigned duties were, and it was very rare indeed for us to feel a sense of love for another living being. But it did occasionally happen, and when it did it was considered something of a social faux pas to show as much in public. It was considered an evolutionary holdover, a reminder of a more animalistic past that we had supposedly grown too intelligent for. The rare relationship was thus relegated to the confines of purely private spaces, and it was a source of great embarrassment for everyone involved if they were ever made public.

  7. alderkin
    Latest Entry

    Image result for pixiu
    This is called a pixiu (pih-seeyu). Judging by the two horns, this pixiu statue is depicting a female, which is called the bixie (bih-tsee).

    I got a weird tingle when I saw this little guy's wings. I've seen these figurines lots of times before, but it's only til now that I notice the wings. They're a lot like the phantom wings I've been noticing for the past few weeks--too small for flight, swirly-like, and pretty dissimilar to real birds' wings.

    While none of my phantom shifts match up with any other pixiu features (the lion body, the horns, the tail), sometimes blowdrying my hair it floofs out like a lion's mane, and whenever that happens I get the same tingly-happy feelings as seeing the pixiu. But I don't really think I would be pixiu-kin.

    I do have a feeling that the wings and floofy hair may be connected to the angel kintype I'm questioning, since the pixiu is regarded as a lucky creature. (It attracts wealth by opening its mouth and repels disease by fighting sickness-demons with its claws and fangs. It's also portrayed as very loyal to their masters even as their masters pass from this world to the next.)

    But my pixiu wings could also be connected to my void-heart (I'm questioning being actually voidkin) too. Even though it's just intuition, I feel my phantom wings are black with tiny purple-and-white speckles.

    Hell, all three of these things might be all mixed together too. I could be a pixiu-winged angel of the void. There's so many possibilities,, hm.

    I'll probably just meditate on it and consult my tarot cards and pendulum. I might even try I-Ching and divination with dice.

    Or maybe I'll just sleep. I'm pretty tired today, haha.

  8. I had a spontaneous urge to use my new singing bowl and attempt a memory regression again. I got all of the constants in a different way this time. But still the same ones. This time in the supposed memory: God asked me to go to Lucifer and listen closely to what he has to say, then I would goto a place of Lucifer's choosing (Which I already know would be to incarnate as a Ka Po' Tun in Akavir), and then be incarnated as a human.

    I believe this to finally be the true events. I have attempted getting memories from when I was an angel before, and while they had the general constants of God telling me to see Lucifer and then me being incarnated as a Ka Po' Tun, then a Human. They were very different and didn't feel right. The events I just got finally feel correct, but still only in their simplest form without much detail.

    My goal now is to get more detail of these memories. So far, I think All of this happened very soon after I was originally created as an angel.

  9. HikiriWolfDragon
    Latest Entry

    I have no idea what to do anymore. I hate living in this world becuase I cant to shit right. Everyday i am putting on a mask, hiding myself from the world as i get beat down like a punching bag for others' anger. I come home to the same thing. Aguments between me and my fiancie. She suffers from anxsiety and depresion and ptsd. Her father was a jerk and her mother died when she was 3 but her stepmother and her fought alot until her stepmother had a stroke and now has the mind of a four year old. At age 3 she had dubble nemonia and servived but it had cost her half her frontal lobe (the half used for emotion and personality). We fight constently over her broken dream of being a ballarina and being skiny. She has no arch in her feet as she was born with flat feet and did not wear the braces that would have helped. She is beautiful in my eyes as she is not fat like she thinks nor is she as stupid as she thinks. It makes things worse becuase we live in an apartment with her step sister and her 2 year old niece who is a pain and gets dumped on us offten. She lost her mother's side of the family after the death of her real mother but found them at the end of last year but thinks they dont really care for her becuase the only working person out of the family of four is her half sister. Her brother is legelly blind after the car crash that took their mother as he was in the car with her but lived. They live with their grandparents who are to old to work. So she often goes days without meeting her sister at her sister's place of work.

    Meanwhile i have my own things to deal with as i am so use to beeing a punching bag that i drive people away. I always wear masks so i dont know who i am anymore. I cant explain things right so i cant go to anyone and vocally speak my mind so it forces me to bottle my emotions which in turn leads me to involuntarily shift and want to bite and claw anyone in range. My body hates me becuase i push myself to the limit by ignoring sleep and food to try and calm myself down leading me to have a slight douse of insomnia. I have adhd so i could never stay focused in school leading me to not be able to spell or do math right.

    uhg, why cant life just be nice for once. Anyway, i got all that off my chest so i am calmer now but who knows.

  10. MechanicJasper
    Latest Entry

    Well, it's May, college is done for the year, and while that fiery little soul inside me might not be weakened by the cold, it sure feels dull as I'm now away from home for a few months and back with family.

    After being on campus this long and not having to repress myself - both gender and 'kin wise - I'm now remembering what it's like to actually have to do that, and it's weird. Dysphoria is ripping away at me in it's special fashion, and I'm already sick of it, even though I've only been back here for what... three weeks? Tops? I don't know.

    I haven't really made any new breakthroughs on my identity, not much left to figure out. Two kintypes I can't deny as much as I want to, Almandine's still around, Guzma keeps popping in every now and then at random, and Giratina remains present as well as has become the center of my spiritual and religious practices. 

    On a lighter note, I've become a bit less insecure around the idea of being Marowak fictionkin. All I can really say is that I haven't figured out any way of not being such, and the rest of my life is a mess anyways, so what's one more stick in the fire?

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    First blog on the new site since the move happened ^^ 

    I've done alot of self introspection the last few months. I was meditating on what was causing the feeling of phantom wings on my back. My first instinct was to declare my kintype as an angel and just call it a day, but I felt like there was something more to it. I felt like it was something I should have known about, and the answer laid somewhere in the old tales I remember my grandmother used to tell when I was little. 

    Reaching out to my grandmother, I had asked her to revisit the time she told me those tales. What were they about? (Because I didn't pay attention to her story telling at the time.) Who were they about? Was there any winged beings that she had mentioned? (Though that question was asked more down the road when I had felt confident that she could point me in some direction where I could start my research.) 

    She had mentioned that one of my family's ancestors had something to do with the Tuatha de Danann (not going to go into the entire story, as it is personal to my family history.) and had also mentioned that another ancestor had mated with an elf once the Veil had lifted. 

    Her and I had gone back and forth, and she began to retell the tales that she had told me when I was little. I was debating on asking her about my wings, but I did ask her one day and she had mentioned an elf species called "Avariel" or Winged elf. 

    I had done my research and more introspection (that's when the phantom elf ears started to come about.) and I can confidently say that Avariel feels right. It definitely feels...that's what I am. 

    Illrune Dínen (or Rune as a nickname) is my elf name. And A (Formerly known as M) is part of my headmate's name. (He doesn't like to give out his name, because to him, names have power over him, so he would rather be called by the first letter over his name.)

    Anyway...I'll try to blog more now that KM is on a new platform ^^ 

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    I listed this on my profile but I wanted to go in more detail

    On my spirituality in general: I don't really believe in a 'god' but I believe the universe itself might be sentient. My reasoning for thinking that is because of the intelligent design found in galaxies, planets and star systems, and of course, on earth. It's like the universe made a conscious effort to make it work that way. It's way too coincidental that everything is just right for earth to have life like this. I just see way too many coincidences that go on in my life. Coincidences such as small, minor things popping up in my life that I was just thinking about for no reason.

     A few examples would be when I was around 10 years old and I was thinking of an old show I didn't see. Suddenly, I would see someone mention the show out of the blue with no reason for it to be brought up. By itself, it seems coincidental but once the coincidences keep piling up over the years, I really get the sense that the universe is onto something. I have a few small prophetic dreams of the next day sometimes, such as someone upsetting me. Most of the time when I wake up from the dream I prepare myself for the disappointment. Something that happen a year ago was when two of my great grandmas who were born a couple of weeks apart also died a few weeks apart in different countries without knowing the other died. I'm really scientific and logical but circumstances has made me think that unexplained phenomenons such as souls, past lives and coincidences can be explained with quantum mechanics/physics. But humans can't understand it because it literally has its own laws of physics.

    The universe is inheritedly neutral, but life would perceive it as chaotic because of how dangerous it is a whole. Supernovas, asteroids, natural disasters, disease, radiation and a bunch of other things. The universe just is. It doesn't care about good or bad. I do believe in karma and some sort of judgement. But it's based on the law that states that when there's force, an equal amount of force is pushed back towards you. (I can't remember what it's called.) I don't know if the universe itself can be judged, but the universe IS pretty cruel.So my beliefs are very similar to buddhism in a way, and it works for me.

    On my therianthropy/otherkinity: If you put to consideration the mass of conservation which states that matter can't be created or destroyed, your life energy can't just disappear when you die. And since it is energy, it has no real form however it might take the form of the body that you inhabit and that can leave an imprint or memory on the soul. So, I'm left with my two types...but there are probably more that I can't find.

  11. It's been a very weird day.. My day starts with a fight with my boyfriend, because I think he's acting unfair towards me. Later there is this guy who's been stalking me for three years and I asked what he wants on facebook. He says the usual, getting to know each other, want to be alone with me beside the lake and BS stuff, I told him off and got quite angry, I just have a very bad feeling about this guy. A girl I asked today about him told me to never walk with him alone cause he's dangerous, my suspicions were confirmed.
    Later my friend tried to get me in bed with him and I felt very ill and was almost throwing up, when he left I was thinking to myself "what's wrong with people today..."
    I had an odd weekend too but this is far more odd...
    I have another stalker somewhere too but I don't know where he's at, haven't seen him for quite some time which is positive. One would think people have better things to do then lure small girls to some lake or to their place.
    My town is very small, it's like the place God forgot sort of, everyone knows everyone, and everyone knows where you live, where you usually walk... That's why I enjoy walking in the forest, cause no one ever walks there except for dog and horse people.
    I'm so glad for having my dog with me, he's a good defender sort of.. At least he looks scary when he's playful. :sadwolf2:

  12. I had a dream. Wow, exciting. Who doesn't have dreams? But this one had a premise that I thought some of you might be interested in. I'm going to tell it like a story because it's long and that will make it more fun. TL;DR I became someone else in a different universe or something

    (In the dream)

    I hate my life. I know it could be worse, but it could SURELY be better. At least, different. This one never felt right. I could leave it behind without any second thought if I liked the alternative given to me. So I looked for ways to leave my life (besides death), because I'm too chicken to die and don't want to try and work with what I have.

    And I found the entity.

    What's the entity? I'm not sure how to describe it, but the closest I can describe it is a trader of some sort. Go to it when you want something it can offer, and it will name its price. Simple enough. The only questions here are the usual business questions: is it worth it? Do I have what I need to pay for the service? Any tricks I need to watch out for? Searching for information on the entity, little came up. It's not one that's called on frequently, because its services are rarely desired.

    You see, most of these entities offer things like knowledge, or a better reputation, or riches. This one offered none of that. Its domain was form and identity. Occasionally, someone might consider going to this being if they wanted a better-looking appearance. More often, they would ask it to change someone else (something it could indeed do), and the recipient of the deed would have no idea anything had changed about them at all, even if they had been transformed into an animal: they would think they had been the animal all along. I wanted to see what the being could offer me. It sounded like a dream come true, if it would agree to what I had planned.

    Like any trader, I thought, it probably wanted me to give more or less depending on the magnitude of the change. You give more, I give more. Makes sense. I had no idea what it would ask for what I was about to request, even though it fell within the usual requested services. I wanted it to change my own form. Not just "get rid of this scar" or "give me a bigger bust," I mean change everything. Only problem is, I couldn't decide what to change into. Of course, cormorant crossed my mind. That would be the obvious choice, right? Just a generic double-crested cormorant like I had always wanted to be. But no. That's not what I picked.

    I found a guide to summoning the entity. Well, less summoning, and more communicating with. It was surprisingly uncomplicated, just think about communicating with it. No blood or candles or rituals? Nope. And within a minute, I heard a thundering voice. It really sounded like it was outside of my head. "What do you want?"

    I told it what I wanted. Earlier, I had been considering the new form I wanted. It could have been something fitting. It could have been something powerful. It could have been someone who I currently envy and want to switch lives with. But that's not what I picked. I picked...some guy. (I'm not saying who! Goway!) No one particularly famous or powerful (although a recorded historical figure). Why? I had been thinking about it beforehand, and was going to choose the cormorant form I had wanted for a while. But then I saw the image of this guy appear before me. And that's what I decided on.

    I described my request to the entity, and heard laughter. "Why on earth would you choose that when I could offer you power and wealth?!" I pressed on. The entity then agreed to my request, on no conditions. No soul sacrifice. Nothing. Turns out, it can do its work without screwing anything up too much. (It actually uses a whole new world, even though it's a duplicate of this one, to make the changes. Kind of like a new, separate save file on a game when you want to try something risky.) And the more requests it fulfills, the more powerful it becomes. Hmm. Whether or not I was playing into a malevolent being's world domination scheme was not my concern, though. I wanted out. And I saw the door.

    Here's what I had to do. I had to find an image of the target, and stare at it until I felt a slight change. (Done.) Then, I had to call his name out loud until I felt sharp pains. (Done.) Once it began to hurt all over, I would know the process had begun. (This process only works if your target has been dead for a while, which mine had.) I would feel as if I contained another, separate being, said the entity. And I did. I could feel it as if the other person was wearing me like a skin. And it HURT. Like I was being stretched out. The entity said it would involve terrible pain.

    Then came the feelings of meshing with the new spirit...thing. Oh god. It didn't hurt as much as it felt unnerving. I thought I could feel physical changes, but that was imagined. Instead, the feeling of being worn like a skin went away. But now I felt mentally as if I had no control. The thing that I had introduced into myself was now controlling me. See, having been dead for a couple hundred years, he was interested in living my life for a day or two. Come on! I thought. But it made enough sense. I would look at everything and, although knowing what it was and how to use it, feel fascinated by it. He was using me as a vessel to explore this world. Yay. The whole day was spent as usual, but with an alien feeling of fascination and newness. Eventually, it began to feel less alien. That was a sign, said the entity, that the change was going quickly.

    The next day, I didn't have any weird alien feelings. Nothing had changed, it seemed. Ugh! Liar. Did I go through that for nothing? Then I looked in the mirror and saw his face. What? It went away when I looked again, but something felt off. I felt pain again. It was UNBEARABLE this time. I fell down in agony. Suddenly, everyone had disappeared, and I was alone. Everything seemed to be fading, but I wasn't. Am I going to die here? Then I felt all of my skin tearing. As if I were too full, of something. Small tears became huge ones, and eventually my entire skin fell off. But there was no blood. Instead, I looked down to see another body. The one I had requested from the entity. Finally! But that's not all I had agreed to. Instead, I forgot everything about the deal. The world reappeared again, this time, the world of who I had chosen. And I never noticed a difference. It was like that had been my life the whole time.

  13. Though, to be honest, "Do You Know" by Enrique Iglesias or "Endless Night" from TLK Broadway would be more appropriate here...

    This is more of an addendum to my previous post.

    Namely, the fact that people take friendship for granted.

    I know, using myself for an example, that it's virtually impossible for the likes of me to be able to befriend anyone... Most of the time, they lose interest with me within a couple of months and stop talking to me altogether. Especially since I always feel like I'm a third wheel in most cases or that I'm just an easily replaceable pawn to most people.

    It's sad, but it's true...

    I'm nothing more than a pure reject to society as a whole. Being Otherkin and a System is one thing... However, stack on top of that: Being an Autistic, being a super-nerd, Liking games and fantasy, preferring machines to humans 'cause they're easier to interact with, Being brutally honest, Being SUPER LITERAL with what I say, Preferring the company of animals over humans, Having NO skills in the social department... Yeah, I'd say that nobody would really care about me nor much of anyone else residing in this body...

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    Hello, My name is Kaden. I'm demon kin (as far as I know)  and I am trying to figure out a few things. 

    I have memories of places that don't have any relation to anything Demon kin like, so i'm beginning to think that maybe i'm something else, not demon. 

    I remember a great plain of grey-blue grass, swaying in the wind. giant floating stones glowing blue between their cracks lighting up the grassy area in the dark. the stars overhead are uncountable. and a single orangey moon watches overhead. 


    I know I was with someone, I just don't know who. 

    or even where I was. I am hoping I can figure it all out in time. 

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    I feel really weird and confused, because as much as I would love to have a dragon kintype, and as much as it seem to clip regarding shifts, it don't feel right... Like if I got something wrong... 

    I indeed have some sort of memories, but I wouldn't say that I'm dead, or that it was a past life. My kintype is at the same time a separate entity and fused with me. It's really strange to say it like that, but I think it could be considered as some sort of parasite. I have memories of other human lifes, always with it in background of the host mind. 

    Honestly, I don't really know if I'm making things up or not anymore, but even when I try to convince myself that it's nothing, it's still here. 

    But well, for now, here is what I'm searching :

    - Dragon like form

    - Jet black, only light come from the eyes. 

    - No wings, only something that look like birds wing bones, with claws at the end. It can grab things and be used to walk. 

    - One eye with burned claw mark. (right eyes) 

    - Scars on the back. 

    - Several eyes (3/3 I think) 

    - Use toxic gazes. 

    - Can shapeshift. 

    Honestly I'm kinda WTF looking at this. And there is more. But it's the only one that is really "there", I think. 

    I'm indeed dragon hearted, but I'm not sure about dragonkin. I knew about the weird kintype before coming here, and I mentioned it when I thought that it was some memory of a dragon kintype, but I'm scared that it's a little too strange to be accepted. Like, even for me it don't seem possible.

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    Before chapter notes: I realize this is a very offensive story, but I worked hard to make it and so far none of the staff have protested to me posting it. 


        Shiro's thick neck-mane ruffles in the wind as he gazes over his mighty kingdom. Stone buildings erected, housing all sorts of kintypes within dot the dark landscape. It was at this time of night that the kin of his kingdom shifted into their true forms. A gift, to some, a curse. But all the same, any who entered this kingdom became their kintypes from 9:00PM to 5:00AM every night, regardless of their will. They of course still withheld their consciousness, and roamed as they pleased in their shifted bodies. 

        "Sir, we have a code P." Says a guard, panting with shimmering armor plates adorned on his furry body. Shiro looks glumly over his kingdom a final time, before silently following his guard to the throne room. A golden chandelier lights the room with a warm yellow glow. It sways softly, shifting the crystaline fractals that reflect on the walls and flooring. The floors are a deep purple tile, while the walls are stone, and the ceiling is also a purple tiling. Shiro seats himself into his single, plush throne. Before him kneels a bright orange fox, tied in bindings and between two armed guards. 

        "Another code P, eh? I see you've not learned from your past mistakes... Billy." Shiro's deep, rumbling voice echoes throughout the large throne room, the sound waves making the variety of kin in the room turn to the mighty king. Billy chuckles, and looks up to the king with a mad glint in his eye. His voice shrieks out as his thin body trembles due to it's power. 

        "MISTAKES?! My 'lord'! I have only spoken the truth of the PDF documents! The ones my friends have shown me!" His body continues to tremble in the precense of the great lord Shiro, but his face says otherwise. Billy's face.. full of determination, a sense of right and truth. But Shiro does does not care. This heretic would pay finally for his crimes against the Kinmunity. "ENOUGH! GUARDS! Take him to the prisons! We will have a public execution tomorrow to silence this fool once and for all!" Shiro's face twists into a mirthful grin. "Or maybe, he can be our new court jester."
        It's the next morning. Shiro had been getting ready for the public execution, until a loud knock at his door interrupted his progress. A tad annoyed, the large now human male, walks over to the door, and opens it slowly. He had been well dressed, but he had not finished with his hair. "Yes? What is it?" A meek looking guard gulped, and took out a small scroll. 

        "To your royal majesty; I am leaking our meeting last night. Your beloved subject, Billy." Shiro paused for a moment, before laughing like a maniac. "Hooooh! Hooh boy! Does he actually expect it to make any difference? Tis' against the law to spread such heresy, this will only add to his crimes! His death in inevitable! Go, guard. Go help your comrades with the heretic. I need to finish getting ready."

        "Billy, you are charged of the following crimes; Leaking DM's, Being a heretic, and spreading false information. How do you plea?" An announcer's feminine voice rings throughout the town square, and Billy's manic laughter follows. "I PLEA GUILTY! I DID IT ALL! AND I DON'T REGRET A SINGLE MOMENT OF IT!" Billy is then guided to the edge of the hanging platform, where the rope resides. "Then I, King Shiro of Kinmunity sentence you... To death." 

        The crowd goes silent as Billy's neck is embraced tightly by the rope, and he's guided off of the edge.. Not a moment later, the snap of his neck is heard throughout the city. Around 10 seconds later, a female screams and cheers, and the rest of the crowd follows. 

        Shiro had done it. He'd slain the heretic.

  14. Some people like to assume things just because somebody does something. Well, here's an example:

    I'm active on Tumblr, a popular social networking site. And just because I am active on there, doesn't mean I'm tumblrkin, nor does it mean I found out about otherkin on that website. In fact, I didn't even know tumblrkin existed. A couple folks thought I was tumblrkin just because I used tumblr, which is untrue. They assumed that I was that because they're bias against a website that hasn't even done any harm to the otherkin community in months according to the hashtags and recent posts. Some people just give cautions, that's fine. But others, as we well know, are extremists and go to any length to shame or dislike something, or even assume others are what they hate because they're bias and extreme. I was lucky enough to find out the true otherkin information before I even found out about the tumblrkin community (which I would not have found out about or believed anyways until they told me about it.) I'm personally angered that they told me I was tumblrkin JUST because I used a website. I even told them that I was not aware of the tumblrkin 'epidemic' as they called it, and they told me otherwise. DO NOT tell me what I do and do not know. If you're just going to tell me what I do and don't know, what I am, and force me to identify as something else? You can screw off. I'm NOT having it. But on a calmer note, I'm rather peeved that folks actually do this kinds of stuff. I'm not telling any names, or even directing sources. These people aren't even ON Kinmunity, (on another website) but that's not stopping me from ranting.

    Sorry if you chose to read this and have a differing opinion, and I really do wish I could turn off comments and ratings for this because this is a personal matter, even though I decided to share it. I just wanted to get my feelings out on a keyboard, and talking about it usually helps me calm down and relax. Now, time for me to breathe deeply. UwU


  15. Another problem with being an older member of a mostly younger site is the difference in music tastes. I'd estimate that maybe a handful of the bands and cuts I like have only been recognized by a bare few here. The inverse is the same for me, in that I recognize hardly anything posted. I have to wonder sometimes why I even bother to post what I'm listening to or what I like on those music threads. But I do it to "fit in" and maybe someone is paying attention and willing to take a listen.

    Of course, I've also experienced some members dissing my taste in music as soon as they have heard it, only to get in return what they like as yet another rap "song" to be the best thing evah! If I want to listen to rap, I'll pull up some of the cuts by Natacha Atlas, or Public Enemy. There's isn't much in modern rap I want to hear.

    It is unfortunate that so few have broad music tastes. Oh, y'all will tell me of the metal and electronic you like, and I'm fine with some of it. But when I say broad, I mean pretty much most genres. I will state that I can't stand most Christian music, unless it's traditional chanting, choral, or Christmas music. The majority that I've heard is of the kind with a moralizing message that isn't to my tastes. Plus, it's usually produced in such a way as to be unoffensive and popular with most top genres, and not for those of us who have eclectic tastes.

    Sure, I could list every genre I like, and y'all might find something in the same that's likable, too, if you're adventurous. My tastes were formed by my parents and by public radio. My parents gave me a like of classical, some jazz, and some lounge. Public radio expanded on those, adding all sorts of music types, including art-rock, punk, new wave, avant garde, and electronic (not "electronica" as that's a music-industry made-up marketing term.)

    Some online radio comes close to public radio today, but it's still not the same. All the craziness is gone, sanitized out. Streaming is today's world. And yet, there are streaming sites better than anything RIAA approved. I've considered posting a thread about "free music" steaming sites, but may post it to another site where I know it will be better appreciated. I suspect that once people settle into whatever the music industry wants them to like, that they don't go looking elsewhere. They have to get exasperated with the quality, choice, fees, etc. first.

    If y'all want to see that thread (it's not too long) I'll post it. I just wonder how fast it'll sink.


    Today's background music for writing: Bill Nelson - The Alchemical Adventures of Sailor Bill

  16. After careful consideration, I definitely have a secondary kintype which is most likely a draft horse. However, I felt that I was agile in some way rather than an entirely, enormous muscular horse. 

    That was when I happened to catch Frozen on TV. The horses immediately caught my attention I began to do some research into them. They're known as Fjord Horses who are native to Norway. They're not only used as a draft horse but for dressage and jumping. 

    At first I was skeptical. The overall shape of he horse didn't look exactly right but then I saw them with "socks." I have always felt a sort of feeling towards socks and a coloring on the muzzle.

    Therefore, I believe that my second kintype is a young fjord horse. 


  17. I owned a Great Dane dog named Zen. I owned him for a year, and then we: my mom, my dad, and I left him behind in Denmark, but we left him in good hands...

    He visited me last night in my dream. The Zen who visited me was actually not like the Zen living in Denmark, but he was a robot.

    I do miss him at times. He was like a brother to me, but it was best for him to be left behind, because at the time we had moved here, there were not any vets, and Great Danes can get seriously bad health problems. 

    There were some scientist-engineers who had made him, and he could live for a long time.

    I liked that dream quite a lot, and I cherish it.

    I was actually shown a new picture of Zen right before I went to sleep.: 



    Now, about my other pets:

    I had two Norwegian Forest cats. One was older than the other one.  I called the one that was older Bobby, and the younger one was named Benny. They are both dead, and I feel them within me as two different wild feline species. Bobby is a puma within me, and Benny is a tiger within me. I grew up with Benny, therefore his wild side is bigger than Bobby, who I did not grow up with. I was at kindergarten (preschool) when my mom took old and sick Bobby to the vet, and got him put down. I was with Benny when he too was old and sick, being put down. Both of my cats were like brothers to me, as well.


    I had many fishes, and they are within me as a whale-shark. My fish were close to me. 


    My first dog, before I got Zen, and another dog, was a Great Dane, as well, named Dude. He died on Christmas day 2010. He was one year old. He was a brother to me, too.


    The other dog that we: my mom, dad, and I got around getting Zen is a Basset Hound, named Kevin. Kevin is doing well, with being quite lazy and stubborn, and he is six years old. I feel fox-like around him.




  18. I am the embodyment of the hosts quiet rage. My voice is too soft to hear in the mind. Aside from the host, I am the most present. & thus I have the greatest force in my actions.

    For the benefit of the system, I am simply be called Taolrlius; Or Patience.

    I have an overtly passive-aggresive personality. Usually, I maintain a calm faćade and I am difficult to provoke. Unfortunately, for Kit, this non-reactive demeanor tends to come across as heartless & cruel to an outsider.