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  1. Amazonite
    Latest Entry

    So I was just sitting around and listening to love songs, as one does. And even though I've never dated anyone, one of them really hit me. As in, gave me memories. I started thinking of my last mate from my dragon life. In that moment, I missed her more than anything. Which brought up a question: If I could see her again, would I? I think the answer is no. For one thing, my species didn't mate for life. We'd meet, live together for a few years, then go our separate ways. In that case, it makes no sense for me to miss her.

    It's probably because I'm lonely. I've never had a bond that strong with anyone in this life. But I want one. My mind likely pulled up memories of the most recent instance of such a bond in an effort to comfort me. Not that it helped. Now I miss someone in addition to feeling sorry for myself.

    But no matter how much I miss her, I still don't want to see her. Because I know she's moved on. Time in that world has continued, even though I'm not there. Even I had moved on. A bit of nostalgia shouldn't change that.

  2. Opossumblossum
    Latest Entry

    The suit of Swords in tarot has been changing meaning for me. I used to think of the wands as air, and the sword as fire. I wanted to keep the Swords away from me--I was afraid of their meaning, especially with cards like 5-10 and 2 representing stalemates, insecurity, defeat and difficulty. I wanted to be Wands. I wanted to be creativity without the burn of hard lessons.

    I have since been taking account of my 'swords.' Where do I hinder myself? Lost in thought and always reconsidering, I often keep myself from trying anything in order to avoid failure. Perfectionism plagues me, and the very threat of being imperfect binds my sword in its sheath.

    It seems that my greatest strength, my mind, is also my greatest weakness.

    Because of that, ritual blades have been standing out to me on a very regular basis. Imagery of sword, boline, and athame come up on a daily basis. More and more friends tell of their recent blacksmithing, etching, and acid-drawing on blades.

    Something tells me that a sword will come to me this coming winter, and be born as my strength in spring.

  3. Book Shop, 2010 (countdown 'till final exams: less than a year)

    Calming down takes quite a while and requires the will not to give in to sleep's false promises. 

    The brain isn't hungry; any attempts to feed it with info don't make the inner emptiness go away. At least, I was busy.  

    If only someone could translate whatever the labyrinth of words was trying to tell me. One day was too short to grasp the revelation of myself belonging to a minority of 10%.

    I closed the book with a sigh. And where was the fun part? The fast drumming of my heart at the discovery of something, I wasn't already aware of? 

    100% equal 30 students of one class.     1% equals (30 ÷100=) 0.3 students.      10% equal (0.3 ×10=) 3 students.

    Where were the other two students with AD(H)D?!

    Probably somewhere in the USA; that's where the study was originally written in.  Too bad, I live in Germany. So the statistics wouldn't help me. Not at all.

    And so the regular therapy stayed the only opportunity to meet "others like me". Except: Kids with special talents seem to be born...once in a century?

    Why bothering? According to my psychologist, I was "none of them. The test..."

    Was 6 years old and I, myself, too young (11 years instead of the obligatory 13 years!!!) to do it.  

    "What a relief!" I thought bitterly while following forums full of proud parents that could fill pages with stories about their daughters and sons deserving better treatment and freedom to develop their strengths.

    The school - so one widespread opinion- could not afford to let the "young adults" suffer from... the slow pace in which teachers explain the subjects.

    The gifted kids themselves - if they muster the courage to speak up-  are not bad people.

    I only wish, they wouldn't start every introduction with pointing out that their intelligence is over- average. 

    The more forums I visited, the stronger got my impression that the test results could not be true. 

    To my dismay, minors like me are not able to repeat/ question them against their parents' agreement. Not my fight. 

     

    Screenshot_20170811-170749.jpg

  4. What is your kintype? Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?

    For this self-grill series, I'll be focusing on the fictotype that brought me to this site in the first place: Elliot Alderson.

    Image result for elliot alderson

    I identify as him more for spiritual than psychological reasons, because I feel that his life was a past life of mine. And whenever I look back on the few kin memories I have from that life, they're all tinged with sadness--even the memories that aren't negative. It makes me feel like that life has ended now.

     

    When was your awakening (if you had one)? If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening? How long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time? What did you feel during your awakening?

    My awakening began sometime between 14-15 April 2017, because what triggered it was a dream I had during the night between those days. In that dream, I was Elliot Alderson, and I believed it to the point that I couldn't respond to my real-world name. When people from this life called me by my real-world name, I got confused and anxious and wanted to get away from them (canonically, Elliot Alderson has anxiety, paranoia, and psychosis, which explains the latter urge).

    I think I would consider my awakening kind of a "sudden realization"? The start of my awakening was pretty sudden. Narrowing Elliot Alderson down to a fictotype took much longer. But now that I've got it pinned, everything's slowed down. Most times I feel like I'm just milling around, waiting for the universe to feed me more crumbs of information about my past selves. Every new bit I learn makes me feel like I'm starting to understand myself and my soul more and more. Don't get me wrong though--I'm not too preoccupied with my past lives right now, because they're in, well, the past. There's plenty of other stuff I can chase after in my search for enlightenment. :wolfbone:

    During my awakening, I felt mostly confusion and anxiety, because before I really dove into the 'kin community I thought being fictionkin was just some cringy Tumblrism for relating to a character. Not only that, but I thought being 'kin was supposed to be some massive revelation that would flip-turn my life upside down. Both things turned out to be untrue, though. Which I'm glad. After being active in Kinmunity for a while and learning about other people's experiences, I came away more secure in my self and my past self.

    So all in all, realizing I was 'kin did change my life for the better, just not as forcefully as I thought it would. It's made me a lot more curious about things like spirituality, religion, and personal identity--and I've always liked being the curious sort.

  5. alright wtf I went to make a blog and this picture showed up? I guess from a blog I didn't finish before.

    hqdefault.jpg

    Anyway. I've got some thoughts I want to share but have no good place to share them so here we go.

    I really wish I could hold my own skull without, you know, dying because I no longer have a skull. Like hold it in my hands and look at it. I want to see what my remains will look like once I'm dead but to know, I'd have to die, and as far as I can tell we don't get to see what we look like after we die. That's one of my biggest regrets. Death itself, yeah okay it's just a part of life no big deal. But the fact that I most likely won't be able to see what things are like after I'm dead is something I don't like. (Maybe some people believe that we can, I am not one of them, I believe we move on to other things after death.) But I suppose it wouldn't matter. I wouldn't care. But dang you know, I want to see what my skeleton looks like cleaned up and propped on a stand. The closest I'll ever get is maybe looking at an x-ray.

  6. I've been thinking about something. As discussed on the forum and my last blog post, I've started looking into the methods other people have used or recommend for communicating with Pan. But pretty early in this process, a thought came to me: am I doing this all wrong? I mean, this is Pan we’re talking about. His domain is music, nature, and to be blunt, sex. These things, at least as far as Pan is concerned, are free and unrestricted. That's kind of his thing: being free and wild and expressive. So I have to wonder, is an education-based approach the best way to connect with him? Following a set process seems like something he would be against. That's not to say it isn't useful to get information, but when it comes down to it, I wonder if maybe I need to make the connection in a more open and personal way. Maybe I need to use my own self expression. This is something I've already started doing. I even wrote a freeform “letter” to him yesterday. My success with these methods has been limited to say the least, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

     

    Still, there's another side of this too: I want to make sure I'm not using this as a cop out, you know? I have mentioned how overwhelming this stuff gets. With an already concerning lack of time and focus, having a bunch of new ideas and possibilities to look into can backfire on me hardcore. So it's nice to think that I don't need to look at it, and should instead keep doing what I'm doing, even when it doesn't work. It's easier. But I do need to expand my horizons if I want to make progress. I can't just sit in my bubble.

     

    As with so many things, I think the key is balance. I was mulling this over before, and then it really hit me when I looked over the advice I've received on the forum from Gryn and Opposumblossom and others. The key is to find out what other people do or suggest, and adopt the things that feel right to me. Forcing myself to try things that don't feel right won't make me happy, and it won't make Pan happy. That's not his style or mine. And there are already suggestions that speak to me. Making a small “shrine” to Pan for example seems like the kind of thing he would appreciate and that would help my connection with him. As I explore possibilities I'm taking note of what seems right.

     

    One more thing, not directly related. There's something that seems to keep coming up. It's a particular movie, and one part of the movie in particular. It's been over a long enough period of time that I probably wouldn't think much of it if not for the particular section and the fact that it's happening while I'm thinking about Pan. The movie is Pinocchio, and as you can probably guess, it's the Pleasure Island part. Forced transformation is already part and parcel of it. If there does happen to be meaning behind it, if by some unlikely chance this coincidental reappearance has to do with Pan, I'm guessing it has to do with the nature of my transformation in my past life.

     

    I have two theories on this. First, it could be suggesting that my transformation wasn't forced immediately; it could be that I found myself transformed when I began to indulge in faun-like feelings and situations. It could be that this was what Pan wanted; maybe it goes back to my old theory that he was responsible for my transformation, because he wanted me to be a faun for some reason. The other theory is more important though. Let's remember the true horror of Pleasure Island: these boys were being turned into donkeys to be used for labor, or at least that's the implication. It goes back to the “transformed to be used” think that keeps coming back. The resonance for that has been particularly strong lately in general. Maybe Pan is trying to tell me something but more likely my working theory is changing.

     

    The resonance is too strong to ignore. It always has been; I don't know why it hasn't always been part of my working theory. I think in my past life, I was transformed to be used. I do have alternate interpretations for this resonance, but this is where things are leading me. This doesn't necessarily mean my transformation wasn't caused by Apollo, or Pan, or a djinni; that could still be part of it. But that's not the blank I'm most interested in filling. As I've discussed before: it seems unlikely that someone would be transformed into a fauntaur to be used. Fauns are free spirits; outside of a Changeling sort of situation it wouldn't make sense. It is possible, but it's also possible that I was transformed into an animal first. What would logically follow would be that Pan then transformed me into a faun, but who knows.


    There is a lot to unpack with this, and I will keep doing so. But that doesn't mean I'm planning to stop focusing on Pan. It is possible that my attempts at connecting with Pan have played a role in my newfound clarity about this, however unlikely. This question will stay in the midground for now; Pan is still the focus, at least for a while. That’s where my feelings are leading me right now.

  7. Alrighty, so I haven't been on in awhile. In search of the name of what I am. I've been researching a ton of mythology and facts and fiction. I finally found something that clicked and then went on to something else. I felt bad for some reason that I didn't spend enough attention on what I had found out. I just wanted to put a name to what to call the soul that was within me. Which I found to be a Rabisu. Which the description I found matched perfectly and clicked with me on a level I can't explain. And I didn't think of this till now, I stopped researching all together after this and found some actual clarity on the matter. I didn't however spend enough time to come to terms with it. Its one thing to find out what I was and another to keep it going, keep the energy flowing of acceptance which I didn't do. Putting a name too it, just gave me recognition. Not the actual acceptance of myself that I'd actually been looking for. So here I am again. Back to the beginning, but this time something to work towards and the info I needed. I've learned a ton and I'm glad. Within this site, I gained the knowledge and pushes towards the goal I had initially set out to finish. And started a lot more. I'm delving into the world of Angels and tarot and Mythology. And more and more keeps popping up. I feel like I'm out of time for everything. Meditation is new to me now.

    Anyways enough rambling I guess. I just wanted an update. And that's what I put out there. Probs more complicated than it had to be. But whatever. That's just me and how I work.

  8. I feel like I need some sort of guidance and advice on everything that's been happening to me lately, mostly involved with my meditations. I feel like I'm very right and accurate in one moment, but then my doubt kicks in and tells me that it's all in my head. It's an aggressive cycle that can't stop. Because of how over active my mind is, I was never good at meditation. But a month I go, I found out another way to go about it. It was a good thing that I was listening to music at the time, because listening to music I personally like looks like it acts like a catalyst for me. The way I'm meditating is that I focus on the subject on hand and await to see what images or scenes spring up in the darkness. They are barely ever any vivid images or scenes unless I'm close to falling asleep. I need to master the delicate balance of being almost asleep but not asleep to do this. But a few little visions do pop up in my meditation. The way I try to determine if they're real is only if I don't understand at first. In dreams, you usually know what you're looking at, but with these visions, I don't know what they are at first so I have to interpret them as it happens.

    A few weeks ago, one image I caught were these purple drops falling to the ground. At first I thought they were some sort of flower petals, but then I noticed that they fell and dropped like blood. I then remembered that their blood was a dark purple color. I rely a great deal on tarot cards to determine if I'm correct or not. I swear that the same cards pop up over and over even after I shuffle them well:

    Page of wands: I noticed that this card shows up to confirm I am right. I am the page in this situation, a beginner/'student' in meditation and past life recall. Another card I keep getting is 8 of wands, meaning a similar thing.  I also get justice and temperance very often. I get the card 'the lovers' when asking about my mentor, but I extremely doubt that it has anything to do with romance as well as feeling that it makes zero sense. Instead, I see it as the bond and unity between teacher and student. For some reason, I keep getting the king of pentacles when asking about various individuals which confuses me.

    A few other funny coincidences is when I got the star twice in a row when I asked a question phrased differently. I was asking if these lights I saw on the wall was just my imagination. I got the star. Reshuffled and reasked the question: the star. Last week after a few hours of meditation, I managed to see how I looked in the mirror. It looked similar to a drawing I did, only real. I really doubt my imagination can do that so well. The tarots confirm I am on the right path. But what other way can I confirm this without using tarot? (Other than pendulums)

    Lastly, I was busy writing a story of my character and their mentor(unrelated to my mentor but similar). While I was writing it, I heard a very loud airplane outside my house and honestly it sounded like it was about to crash. Never in the 6 years I've lived in this house have I heard a plane SO close. My mom was freaking out as well and asked me if I heard it. It was pretty scary. The irony? I think my mentor in the past life died in a plane crash. When I told my mom this, she believed me. If this isn't a sign, then I obviously don't know what the hell is.

    I will begrudgingly admit that I am a protoss. :blinkwolf:(A dark templar/nerazim to be more exact) Their moral, philosophical and spiritual code is EXACTLY like my own beliefs, their homeland resembles my dream scapes and gives me nostalgia, and I always had some sort of appeal to dark, 'shadow like' things/topics that were misunderstood as well as the cloaks/cloth they normally wear. I actually feel more comfortable and confident when wearing things similar to that for as long as I can remember. There are a ton of other reasons as well. I feel like the only way I can make progress is if I admit this for the sake of guidance. I also did not choose this by any means, it chose me.

    Any advice would be appreciated and I didn't want to make a forum topic about this because this feels more personal and I don't want to draw too much attention to myself. If you've read this whole thing then I thank you.:blushwolf: If anyone wants to know more specifics, then you can pm me.

  9. My newest headmate is Albert Wesker from Resident Evil. France and Charles brought him in against my wishes. Anyway his first words to me was "Burton!" Because I ID as Barry Burton. It spooked me and caused me to look around confused then I realized where I heard him from. Wesker has opened up my emotions that I have had locked up for years but luckily done it when I was asleep which gave me a weird dream. I'm surprised that he can deal with the emotions.  

    ( No he doesn't have his own memories neither does France, Charles on the other hand does. )

    Wesker had taken over the other night (if you go by EST) because I have been too afraid to tell my friend that I don't want to be godmother to her child because of many reasons that I'm not posting due to laziness but one of them is that my friend and her boyfriend aren't Catholic and even if one of them were I still couldn't be godmother because I didn't go through communion. Wesker ended up messing her and telling her for me which I am forever grateful for.

    Wesker says "Hello random people who will read this post." 

    France and Charles are trying to bring in Chris Redfield from Resident Evil too to help.

  10. So since last year I wrote up my reflections on a year of being in the otherkin community, of course I should start a tradition for myself. My account here was created September 6, 2015. Going into the community, I had little understanding of myself beyond a basic thought process for what I'd been able to figure out beforehand. Seeing so many other people talking about their experiences really helped me put mine into perspective and better wording, and I'd like to think I'm still doing that today. This year, I thought I might reflect on some highlights of new writing and thoughts I've had in this past year.

    In April, I talked about what I believed regarding what it means for an angel to Fall. I said of it, "To fall is to break from God and therefore be cast into hell. This would be bad enough for an angel, because I see them as beings of spirit and faith; it takes more than a fleeting moment of pride to break that. It takes anguish and despair and a true breaking of the heart, a shattering of the very foundation of your being, to destroy something that powerful and pure." This puts into words a deep emotional pain I feel sometimes in my mental shifts, but always with the numbing agent of distance between my current self and that part of my soul. Of the things I'm glad I finally wrote down over the course of the year, I think this is one of the most important concepts that I had to voice. Every characterization of Lucifer that portrays him as falling from pride (because wah wah humans or wah wah I wanna be like God) has always fallen a little flat to me, and that includes Paradise Lost. I think that poem does a much better job at portraying the nuances of his/my personality, but it still takes a very orthodox understanding of reasoning. And to me, even if there are elements of truth in these portrayals, it has always struck me as simply not enough to cause that kind of change. So I felt I had to speak, to clarify that yes, there are elements of that pride in Lucifer, in myself. But there's also so much more an element of confusion, an element of anger at the nature of predestination, of an angel struggling to cope with their loss of faith and the extent to which that loss is killing them, the guilt and reluctance and fear and self-bargaining caught up in these elements. Those are always the parts of the portrayals that I am drawn to, because to me they are the most important, the key in this event, not a side dish on proud overdramatic ramblings.

    Further back, in February, I wrote about the more feral side of myself that I had been hinting at for a while in places here and there. I said, "The way I see it, Lucifer is an intelligent, sophisticated being. Clever, calculating. However, at heart there is still the matter that this being is inhuman. Something wild, untamed, feral. Something that is aggressive and predatory. Something that prowls and preys on humanity, both literally and figuratively." It was difficult for me to post this, and in fact it was not posted for almost four months. This delve into the feral side meant opening up about a part of myself that is frightening. If there is any part of this identity I'm afraid of, it's that. It's how talking about that kind of feeling might look to others, but it's also a very powerful aspect of myself that is so uncanny and inhuman that it does frighten me to acknowledge it. It's like the physical embodiment of all that rage and pain and hopelessness felt in Falling, the twisting of one kind of inhumanity to another, darker kind. And in a community with a whole bunch of monsters and wolves and dragons and lions, should I really be that afraid of opening up about that ferality? Nevertheless, it was difficult to write down, even more difficult to post, difficult reflecting on it again now. But important.

    It's taken me two years (six if you count the years before I was part of the community) to figure out some of the most important guiding beliefs and understandings of my identity. And there's more thoughts hanging out in my head, but like the feral side, I'm just not ready to write them down yet. They don't scare me, but their intensity makes it so personal that I hang on to them in private for a long time. So here's to seeing how these thoughts develop, and what you will see from me in the coming year.

  11. hey what to do when i love somebody

    but they hate me

    and they are also fictional 

    like me -b

  12. Strange place, strange mind, strange life...

    My head's in a weird place right now. I'm still trying to recover from... what happened last Monday. It's not been easy to deal with. I'll be perfectly honest - I've been a complete wreck this past week. Swinging between feeling sad, angry and numb. A couple of days ago I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse and talked some things out with her, and that made me feel better for a little while... but I'm still hurting. Bad.

    And now, it's 1 in the morning and I don't feel tired. Yesterday, I felt exhausted at 9. Now, I just feel restless and agitated and wrong. I've been a little on edge all day... and, confession time: I've been hallucinating a bit. It's something I've had issues with before. Pretty sure it's a combination of tiredness and anxiety. It's not like I'm seeing something vivid or prolonged... just movement in the corner of my eye, or a split-second impression of something drifting past my face. When I was playing on my Xbox earlier today I kept seeing a big spider crawling around on the pillow next to me. Checked the whole thing, there was nothing there. But I still kept seeing it.

    It is kinda funny though - I only ever hallucinate two things. Spiders, and crane flies. Since I'm not arachnophobic at all, I don't really mind the spiders. But I'm absolutely petrified of crane flies, so whenever I "see" one anywhere near me I panic. There was a time, about a year ago, when I had problems sleeping because sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and clearly see one flying around in front of me. So I'd yelp, leap out of bed and turn the light on... nothing there. Never anything there.

    It's ultimately a minor problem, though. It's a symptom of other things. Back then, it was my extremely unhealthy state of mind. Now, it's stress, anxiety, and negative emotions that I don't know how to deal with.

    So I've been trying to keep myself distracted, with varying amounts of success. I've played a lot of video games today, mostly cutesy stuff to help me relax. I did some drawing earlier, but ended up getting frustrated and gave up on it for the day. And, after a bit of casual internet browsing, I ended up on some website dedicated to debunking hoaxes and whatnot. It's an interesting site and I'll probably go check it out again at some point, but... well, scepticism is bad for my brain. Scepticism does not go well with my identity at all, and when I'm in a fragile state of mind like this, it can send me into a bit of an existential crisis. Cause, I mean. My past life memories and whatnot are as vivid to me as any memories from this life. So it's hard to question one without growing a creeping doubt of the other. Bleh. Can't deal with that shit right now. 

    What else? Oh, uh, I'm rehoming one of my pets tomorrow. My snake, Nyoka. I've had him for four years, but I've finally got to the point where I just can't look after him anymore. Got my hands full with both my dogs, and he deserves an owner that'll actually appreciate him and give him more attention than I can (I know people think snakes don't like it, but I swear Nyoka perks right up when he's handled, and he gets a little down if nobody gets him out for a while). The person who's buying him seems really nice, too. And the money's going towards a replacement computer for me, since my laptop's falling apart (it's five/six years old now, heh) and it's kinda essential, since the internet is my only way to socialise right now. Plus, what would I do without this place? Probably implode or something.  

    I'll miss him, but it's a load off my mind to know he'll be with someone who can look after him properly.

    I guess I feel a little better after airing this stuff out? Maybe? Welp. It's now 1:30. I feel slightly more tired, but I doubt I'll be able to get to sleep right now. Guess I'll go lie in bed and watch documentaries until I doze off or something.

    ...I just realised what my head right now makes me think of. It's like a big, black cavern, and I'm stood near a small light, and every mundane sound echoes and reverberates until it sounds like something terrifying in the dark. And I know it's just bats, or water dripping, or the sound of my own breathing, but that doesn't stop my heart from racing and it sure as hell doesn't stop me from looking over my shoulder every two seconds... just in case

    Drip, drip, drip. Almost makes you wish it were a monster. At least then you'd have something to run from.

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    Recent Entries

    As I've only recently come to terms with being otherkin, I wanted to spend a little time researching and getting my bearings with the whole thing before telling anyone. Then, once I was sure about my identity, I started to join the online kin communities (such as this one, tumblr, and Discord servers). I'm really grateful to the online kin community that I've encountered so far: everyone's much calmer and kinder than I expected, to be honest. I had some negative expectations coming into this, and I was scared for a long time, but I'm so much happier now that I've started to interact with others like me. 

    After I'd "come out" (albeit anonymously) online, I thought I'd just leave it there. I don't have very many friends to begin with, and I was sure that those I do have wouldn't take my identity very well - they're not mean or anything, I just knew they wouldn't understand and was worried they'd make fun of me or think less of me. The thing is, I've just been so excited to explore the nonhuman sides of me, and I started thinking about all the awkward situations that might arise if my friends accidentally found out that I'm otherkin... What if they saw otherkin blogs on my tumblr dashboard? What if I accidentally put kin-related stuff on the wrong blog? What if they found some of my kin musings on my laptop? I didn't want to have that conversation, at least definitely when I wasn't expecting it. 

    So, earlier today, I decided to "come out" as otherkin to my two best friends. I can't really think of a better phrase than "coming out" but it still sounds funny to me in this context. Anyways - it went way better than I expected! They don't really understand it, which is nothing surprising, but they both said that it doesn't change their opinions of me at all. In fact, when I explained my kintypes to them, they even encouraged me to get kin-related tattoos! That was extra awesome for me, because I've been planning my selkie tattoo for months now, and I think I'm going to follow through with their idea of me having a tattoo for each kintype. <3 

  13. Silverwing
    Latest Entry

    First, I want to thank those who have commented on my prior entries, albeit without unnecessarily pinging them: Kergulen, Shezep and Opossumblossum. Thank you for your insights and willingness to read and respond to the incoherent ramblings of a random user. As for those who have read and not responded for reasons of their own, thank you for taking the time to give them a look. While I only have the view counter to go by and I realize several are from myself or those mentioned above, I appreciate it never the less.

    Now, for the actual subject of this particular entry, following closely on the heels of my vent that was apparently posted not too long ago. It feels like weeks have come and gone since I wrote it, but the publish date does not lie; even if my mind is trying to convince itself otherwise.

    Ever since I wrote that entry and got everything off of my chest, then proceeded to look at the new possibilities and almost immediately rule out one of them, I find I have become... content. This is not due to being able to eliminate one of the possible kintypes I had been considering, but from a personal realization and the actualization of the kintype through an artist I fell in love with. To explain, I do not experience phantom limbs (as far as I am aware) and instead I go off a variety of other signals and 'signs'. One of the ways I help myself understand whether or not something may be close or completely off is by having an artist work with me in bringing this possibility to life through a visual medium. However, instead of seeking them out and commissioning someone I know would do the idea 'justice' because they are comfortable with the particular subject, I post wanted threads and see who it attracts. Every time I have done this, the right person has always shown up eventually (a reminder for when I feel deeply impatient) and not once has an artist I have worked with previously responded to the new one. Instead that only seems to occur with my more generalized threads, for when I am seeking original character work as opposed to something on this level.

    I do not know if there is a particular term for going about it this way or if it may be frowned upon, but I find it has helped me a great deal throughout the years and I am ever grateful to the artists who have worked with me. Never the less, the reason I find myself posting about this is not only due to the prior entries, but the fact that I felt such a sudden... change in my overall demeanor and thoughts. I no longer feel this positively frantic need to try and figure out my kintype, something that has been plaguing me for longer than I care to admit. Even when I identified (I may still?) as a machine entity, I still felt that fiery desire burning within me; albeit to a vastly lesser extent than it had been before. As the title says, I am at ease and I am at the most calm I have been in such an incredibly long time. Even my family has taken notice and, oddly enough, my baby boy cat Thanatos. Then again, I have an incredibly intuitive and empathetic family, so any changes in me are noticed immediately. Though they have also noted how... I suppose 'drastic' this one is, especially compared to what is considered normal for me to go through.

    While I am exceedingly pleased and quite ecstatic with these developments, I do feel incredibly shy with regards to discussing or even mentioning what exactly my identity is. To be quite frank I have never quite been at ease with people who have this particular identification or 'label', given what I have seen from the wider community. However, I also understand I should never judge an entire group and instead make informed decisions based on the actions of the person. Granted it still makes me incredibly hypocritical to feel uneasy, given my prior complaints and commentary with regards to how people view those with a machine identity as a group; but I suppose that is one of the more unfortunate facets of human thought.

    Regardless, I am quite content and I will be happily looking into all of the new avenues which have opened to me. I will also be deeply considering my machine identity and whether or not it is as I had believed or if it is a heart type. Of course, looking at my identity as it stands now, it makes complete sense as to why I view machines as I do and why I possibly mistook it as being who I was. Granted this is not an affirmation for or against it, just a brief observation on one of several possibilities now on the table.

    This endeavor is going to be both exhilarating and terrifying for the sheer scope it now encompasses...

  14. Shezep
    Latest Entry

    Every time I think about returning to Tumblr I find myself yelling at imaginary people in my head who can't even hear me. I think that's a good indicator that Tumblr is extremely bad for my mental health. 

    There were some good things and people there that I miss. Of course, some of the good people caused me to yell too. 

    I said I wanted to be a monk, and being a hermit is a time honored tradition there. I'm not very fond of it, but here I am anyway. 

    I miss being around other Kemetics, but the places I left, I left for good reasons. I'm not saying that I'm better off alone because I'm not. I am saying that I'm better off not there. That's what ascetics do, they give up the things that make them crazy. 

    Maybe one day I'll get my zen back and we'll see how it goes, but right now there's still a lot of yelling inside my head that will gladly come out at the slightest invitation. 

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    Sometimes I think, if only I'm an vampire: beautiful, sexy and strong. I broke up with my boy friend 1 year ago, My world collapsed down. I wanna die. I'm fat, ugly and stupid. Maybe that was the reason why he didn't want to waste time with me. Then he left. At that time, I cried so much. I used to be quite good looking. When I was at secondary school, I played basketball so my body was fit. But when I got addicted to manga and anime, I learned to stay up late and eat fastfood,  my skin and body got worse and worse. And it kept on and on until I entered university. I met a boy, love him and was abandoned. I regretted. I wish I were a vampire. But it is just fictional, right? 
    Then, I wanted to get out of this situation, I decided to refresh myself. I did exercise day by day. You know, it is really difficult for me as I didn't act so much for a long time. Sometimes I wanted to give up, but I tried again and again. Then, I worked very hard, and save some money, enough to travel to several countries. I want to go and learn more, to renew my soul. And I found that, travelling is something really great! I often chose mountain to visit, climb up and conquer high mountain. This experience is the most wonderful thing in this world. The I think, life is so beautiful and short, why I have to waste it for a person who even doesn't care about me. I have to learn the way to love myself first. When I love myself, I will make it as beautiful as possible, and I will become sexy and strong as a real vampire!
    (Here are some photos I took when I visit Himalaya. Actually, they don't look so good like this, I edited it :))) with  photo studio apk )

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  15. Time to detail some of my beliefs, and why Otherkin fits into them neatly.

    One thing that is common to Otherkin is the concept of reincarnation. What isn't common is the idea of non-linear time when it comes to "past" lives. When one reads some books on various aspects of New Age Spirituality, the idea of simultaneous time crops up. What also comes up in the idea that in the realm of Spirit, time does not exist.

    Now, I will admit that my tiny human mind cannot truly grasp that concept. Even though I have had experiences that have given me a taste of the afterlife, I still don't have a good idea of what 'life' as a spirit is like when there is no linear time. I can only conceive time then as a spatial construct instead of the linear experience we only have here in physical reality. Existence as a spirit in the next life simply is, and has neither a beginning nor an end. There is no passage of time.

    That can be difficult to imagine further when one ponders how it can be 'life' in that next existence if one does not experience a passage of time. The mind would stop as would all other energy according to our knowledge of science and math. To the atheist, this is a no-brainer. At the end of life, the mind does indeed simply stop. Comparing the mind to a computer is apt to the atheist definition of life. Once the computer is turned off, and all electricity halted (no internal motherboard batteries, either) then there is nothing left to keep the thoughts/programs running, and so it simply stops. Taking that into the concept of it continuing to work even without electricity and without linear time is rather mind-blowing, whether looking at it as an atheist or a believer.

    Okay, I'll leave that concept where it is in case anyone wants to expand upon it. That's just part of my overall belief. The rest is that once in the 'afterlife' and accepting of a no-time reality, there then comes the part about all of our lives, past, present/concurrent, and future. Well, in a reality of no-time, none of those terms have any meaning. All lives exist at the same time. All moments occur simultaneously.

    What makes the life we are experiencing now different is a matter of focus. Our spirit is focused on this life at this moment. It may very well move its focus to another life, as when in this life we explore 'past' or Other Lives (I capitalize those due to looking at them from a no-time perspective.) However, I do not limit my spirit to the idea that it can only focus on one life at a time. It's Spirit, so it's as limitless as everything else associated with Spirit (and I capitalize that word to denote all of the spiritual realm, reality, existence, god, goddess, and whatever else that is not physical reality as defined and known by modern science.)

    Now then, I figure those who have read this far are balking at my ideas and more than ready to label me "Tumblrkin" "kinny" et cetera. That's fine, but I need to at least point out that I have come to these conclusions after many decades of pondering it all. Yes, I said "decades" because I'm in my 50s and have been reading books of the New Age variety since the mid-1970s. Here is a list of what I have read that have molded my views to what they are now, and why I can easily fit my Otherkin beliefs into them:

    Books on Astral Projection (also known as "Out of Body Experiences" as first defined by Robert Monroe):
    "The Projection of the Astral Body" by Sylvan Muldoon & Hereward Carrington (1929)
    "The Study and Practice of Astral Projection" by Dr. Robert Crookall (1960)
    "Journeys Out of Body" by Robert Monroe (1971)
    "Far Journeys" by Robert Monroe (1985)
    "Ultimate Journey" by Robert Monroe (1994)
    "Mind Trek" by Joseph McMoneagle (1993)
    "out of body experiences" by robert peterson (1997)

    Other books on spirituality of note:
    "The Art of Dreaming" by Carlos Castaneda (1993)

    Magazines on spiritual thought: (technically, just one because I found "Gnosis" to be the best of that time-period)
    Gnosis - Between 1985 and 1999, GNOSIS Magazine was the only widely available, serious journal devoted to Western esoteric and spiritual traditions.

    Further reading on spiritual thought can be done at both the Internet Archive as well as The Internet Sacred-Texts Archive 

    Recent (or relatively recent) books on other lives and the next life:
    "Past Lives, Present Miracles" by Denise Linn (1997)
    "The Convoluted Universe" by Delores Cannon (2001)
    "Mirrors of Time" Brian L. Weiss, M.D. (2002)
    "Return to Life: Extraordinary Cases of Children Who Remember Past Lives" by Jim Tucker, M.D. (2013)
    "Beyond Past Lives: What Parallel Realities Can Teach Us About Relationships, Healing, and Transformation" by Mira Kelley (2014)
    "Dying to Be Me: My Journey from Cancer, to Near Death, to True Healing" by Anita Moorjani (2012)


    So, there you have it. Ideas and concepts that have long pre-dated not only the existence of Tumblr, but also the Internet as we know it.

    This is also why I refuse to use the term "multiverse" because it doesn't really have anything to do with Spirit. It's a construct dependent upon scientific thought, mathematics, and hypothesizing.

    Spirit, on the other hand, is inherently infinite, so anything at all is possible through it. All one needs is belief or faith (or both.) :-) 

    (I'm going to post this to my tumblr page and see what happens) ;-)

  16. Spoiler: This isn't going anywhere. I just need to get it out of my head and it's kinda kin-related-ish so it's going here. There is no dream-shifting (at least, not into my own kintype) and it was not a fun dream. >_<

     

    So, in this dream, I can fly. I'm still a human, and I don't have wings, but I fly as if my arms are wings. This isn't a normal occurrence, which I realize when everyone else starts freaking out that I'm going to fall and die, in complete denial of the fact that I'm already flying and couldn't be this high up without doing so. Somehow, this indicates that I'm 'kin with something that can fly, and someone else who claims to also be 'kin directs me to this... Place. "Amusement park" is the best way I can sum up what I was promised, but it's far from that.

    I get there, and there's this big forest with a sidewalk around the treeline, all of which has been fenced off. I remember not wanting to touch it at all (maybe it was barbed or electric?), and it looked pretty beaten. I flew over it and everyone there was 100% human. Apparently it was where you dropped off anyone who came with you who wasn't kin to go enjoy the outdoors. It was probably the only good part about this whole place. I remember being jealous of it.

    I'm directed right past that, into this small waiting area with a table and a TV. There's this really nervous mouse therian who has been turned into an actual mouse (although... a person-sized mouse, who can talk). I look into the room we're waiting to get into and it's full of cats. I ask him if he's being punished for something. He doesn't respond.

    He goes in and everyone else waits. The TV is mostly really creepy, unnerving commercials for this place, though I get the impression it's supposed to be showing normal shows, too. Then it all cuts out and he's on the screen. I don't remember what happened to him but it was humiliating. He came out without any physical damage, though.

    Eventually it's my turn. But they won't turn me into a dragon. They turn me into a cat. They force me into buying something or I'll be stuck as a cat forever. As I'm leaving, they try to turn me back into a human. I manage to turn myself halfway into something draconic... But it's this bulky, fleshy, half-mammalian wyvern... thing. Then I fly over the fence into the "human area" and I'm turned back into a human and fall gently to the ground.

    There was more to this place but I left after that. I was too weirded out to have any interest in the rest of it.

     

    Typically when I dream about flying, it's the central part of that dream and I really enjoy it. This is the first time I've been so anxious while being able to fly, and that unnerves me. It's probably nothing, but hopefully this will get it out of my head. >_<

  17. So something weird happened today. I went to a fair with my family, and of course it was quite noisy and crowded. We walked past one of those game huts and a bell went off, and it was really loud, right next to me. When it happened, I felt a sudden, very strong urge to hiss at the noise. Like a cat or some type of feline.

    Now recently I've starting to question whether or not I have a feline theriotype. I've been getting phantom shifts of a furry tail that's somewhat thick (at least for a feline). I've had this strong nagging feeling that there's something feline about me, although I'm not sure what yet. For all I know my dragon or demon kintypes could have some feline-like characteristics (especially since I don't know much about my dragon kintype yet). And of course this could all be cameo shifting.

    But this instance at the fair stands out to me because it's the first mental shift I've had that related to a feline, so paired with the phantom shifting and general feelings of some feline aspect of me, it may be worth looking into further. I need to start researching on what felines hiss and maybe go from there.

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    SpookyLegs
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    So today was the second day I tried meditating in this forest. I always start off the meditation by just talking to the forest. And it really helps! Its really nice just hearing my thoughts aloud. It helps make them more real.

    I also have a sort of connection with this forest. I've lived by it for about five years. Recently, a friend and I discovered that there's an entire section of forest where if you just squat, it looks like winter. It's becoming fall just now where I live. And every step you take its just crunching as the dirt is completely invisible, covered by dead twigs and dead saplings.

    Yesterday, I came back to the forest. I sat on a big fallen tree and I apologized to the forest. I mourned the loss of the saplings. I said that I was sorry for what humans had done to the forest. See, there's a lot of trash in this forest. A lot. People just throw out all their junk in that poor forest. Couches, plastic, televisions, lawnmowers, plastic, plastic, disposable spoons and forks, plastic throw-away water bottles, just a lot of extremely harmful-to-the-environment junk.

    And it makes me really sad. The Big Oak, as I call it, is the biggest tree in the forest. Pretty sure its not actually an oak but I like to call it that. It's bark is turning white with yellow sores and it flakes off easily. Trees that are twenty-feet tall and only three inches wide can be ripped out of the ground easily because their roots have already give up. It's painful to watch this once-beautiful, lush forest be destroyed like this.

    Anyways, I told all of this to the forest. Then I settled down on the fallen tree and meditated. I did some breathing exercises, some observation exercises, but mostly I just thought. I did notice what seemed to be a mindset shift. I went from calm, organized, collected thoughts, to more feral, less wise thoughts that seemed to think in more feelings than words.

    My normal mindset: This poor forest. I hope it grows over the junk.

    The weird mindset: I'm sad, forest sad, humans ≠ sad? Humans should be sad. Humans = stupid. Hope forest grow good.

    I didn't explain that too well, but I hope I explained it enough. Anyways, as I was planning to leave, a wind swept across me. I stood up, on a branch of the tree. It was like I was being controlled. I wasn't really moving my limbs, they were moving for me. My arms came up to catch the wind, like wings. My eyes fluttered closed. I felt a rush of tingling sweep across my body, starting at my chest and fading as it reached my hands and feet. The wind slowed, I dropped my arms, and glanced around. I felt as if I should be high in the sky, instead of only a few feet off the ground.

     

    Then today. It was much sunnier. The forest looked much healthier. Just like last time, I spoke to it a bit, and asked if I could meditate. Then I did basically the same thing I did last time. However, this time, there was no rush of wind and uncontrollable limbs. That being said, I feel like I connected more with the forest. I feel as if I can read the signs in nature and interpret them to mean certain things. I know that's probably pushing it a little, like that's just wishful thinking at this point. But I really felt it.

    The spiderwebs guard the wintery area, to stop humans from coming any further. I asked the forest if I could go to the wintery area to mourn the saplings. However, I spotted a spiderweb right away. I asked "Oh, is it a little weird for me to do that? Because I'm not a tree and I don't live here like the forest animals?"

    The wind blew. The wind generally seems to mean "You're on the right track" or "You're going in the right direction". Again, pushing it a little. But it really does seem like that! 

    So yeah. That wraps it up for today. I just wanted to discuss a little bit of my experiences. I really feel like the forest is a living entity, capable of pain, and very wise.

  18. Tarielarwen
    Latest Entry

    I feel so strange today. Bursts of confidence and excitement, followed by doubt and shyness. 

    The desire to connect has been so strong. I have stepped back a bit. I can accept that I know, and others feel it in a different way. All my life, the idea that it existed somewhere, was enough to get by on. But now, it eats at me.

    I went on Pinterest yesterday. I pinned a few hundred pins, piecing together the landscape. A bit from this image, a bit from that, the feel of this one, etc. 

    It's easy to disconnect the "Oohh that's lovely/wonderful/beautiful" from the "That's it!" feeling. That's something at least. 

    It helped a lot. Just that the place existed, that it was witnessed, seems so important, but I don't know why. That part doesn't matter right now. 

    There is a place here on earth that came up hundreds of times. But the feel of it was not earth. It was Elsewhere. People have been fascinated by it for the last 50 years and say its fantastic design. But I remember whole cities of this style, and I believe he did too. 

    I don't know why I'm so obsessed with the Garden and the City right now. It's not like it's going anywhere, or it's a one off dream.

    It feels like the place to start.

    It was where the feeling of difference began for me. And that is one of my earliest memories. 

    It was a playground at kindergarten. There was a hill that went down to the next street. We weren't allowed to go too far down there. But we did.

    There was a row of trees (about five) but it was all about three of them. There was a fence behind them and grass all around filling the hillside. The fence was stained from the water, and the trunks stood out, all white against it.

    One day, these three trees stood out, on the right of the playground, next to that fence. It was the strongest feeling of wonder and yearning. And magic? I was five then and remember it like it was five minutes ago.

    The light!

    It was  All       So     

     

    Beautiful!!

     

     

    And then the feeling passed. They were just trees again. In the playground. 

    I knew I needed to find it again and be close to it. Live There.

    I kept looking back at them. Over that day. Over the weeks, months, years and decades. Visiting them at night when I was older, the soft street lights threw strange shadows on the fence, lawn and trees. That was the closest they got to that moment. But it was just an echo of that feeling of wonder and magic.

    I went back over the following thirty years. Hundreds of times. They were always just - trees in a playground. But always the potential for So Much More. 

    I had the feeling again, many times, from other sources. But part of me is always convinced that if I look there, at those three trees, just one more time, it will be that magic place again.

  19. I don't know anymore.

    Thinking about feelings.

    I just don't know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    The joys of experiencing either romantic or queerplatonic feelings and being entirely unable to distinguish between the two because of how rare the former is. I like this queerplatonic stuff more, though. It is much more comfortable and feels safer. I am okay with traditionally "romantic" gestures, both giving and receiving them, as they are not inherently so and depend largely on society to call them "romantic".

    This shit is confusing. All it took was me realizing that nothing is inherently romantic no matter how much society claims it is.

    This may be slightly nsfw but another weird, confusing thing is that my sexuality is not intertwined with such things. It's pretty much one or the other for me. A relationship built off sexual things leads me to want to leave rather immediately after I decide I am done and have gotten what I want (so like, after the first time or few times). I really think I can attribute my sexual habits to being a leopard. We aren't sexually monogamous like some other animals. A queerplatonic and/or rare romantic relationship without sexual things makes me want to actually stay with a person. This one is probably more human-based and I am happy to actually be entirely monogamous in such cases (if asked to be) and as a result of that, I am fine being non-sexual in such relationships.

    As I read over this, this stuff is so weird. I probably didn't make a lot of sense and I do think I am looking at it from the confused point of view of a human-leopard trying to understand how this sort of stuff works for him. Best not to dwell too much on it much, it will only piss me off if I do.

  20. This past weekend, I had the privilege of attending La Machine’s performance of Long Ma in Ottawa. On one hand, I could talk about the spectacular work of the crew, which I will certainly touch on here. Later on, I’ll speak about something else on the more spiritual side of things that I felt while observing and getting to meet these amazing creatures. 

    Long Ma the dragon horse and Kumo the spider were masterfully crafted and performed in a display that would make me describe it as magic in of itself. The attention to detail in both - and especially in Long Ma’s face and body - is incredible, breathtaking and gorgeous. Both characters are so very expressive even during the walk-arounds, one truly feels for them and with them in every moment.

    The small details in their performance and creation are what truly hit home. Details such as the carving and scars turning Long Ma’s face into a thing of true beauty. Details such as the adorable snoring track played over his speakers during his naps. And one detail I cannot confirm was real - maybe others who saw this performance can - but I could have sworn the smoke he puffed out with his breath smelled like fruits and sweets.

    Now, I’m going to touch on the more metaphysical side I detected here. I can’t remember a time at which I didn’t believe in machines holding some kind of soul or sentience, and I felt the presence of Kumo and Long Ma so very intensely during these performances, I kept tearing up during their simple walk-arounds. 

    I may have explained in the past that I hold a belief that when a machine or otherwise “inanimate” object is created with care, love and effort, a shard of its creator’s soul is left within it, giving it sentience and a feeling of life. I certainly felt affirmed in this belief when meeting Long Ma and Kumo, and felt they truly are their own beings with their own methods of showing off who they are.

    Long Ma himself came off to me like a guiding spirit, working with his crew and leading them as a friend. Looking at the crew members in their green overcoat costumes and such, all I could think was “They’re dragon friends”. I got this feeling that his human crew friends matter very deeply to him.

    Kumo gave a similar but also personal feeling. It felt less like she guided and befriended her pilots, but more so demanded control of them. Almost possession, especially when I saw the front-and-centre pilot during her walk-around of Byward Market. This pilot swung her legs over her seat and took control in this really powerful display, complete with some aviator sunglasses. The whole time the pilots got set up, I watched her with wide eyes and a mind saying “You are Kumo”. So, heh, from what I can tell, Kumo herself has quite the grip on her pilots, especially the ones in the front. I’ve seen another picture of Kumo being piloted by a different person, and even that person gave me the exact same feeling.

    So, that concludes Jasper’s rambling after his day of obsessive robot-researching. Who says robots and machines can’t be an active part of one’s spirituality?

  21. As most know, I'm a transgender man. I didn't choose to be a transgender man. Something went wrong, some wires got crossed, and here I am, a male soul in a biologically female body. It's no different than the carpal tunnel that numbs my hands or the autism that affects my brain. My body doesn't match my mind, and I cannot change my mind. My mind is hardwired male, thus I must change my body. Like I take anxiety pills to treat my autism, I take hormone therapy to make my body right with my mind. Like I will have surgery to fix my hands, so too will the scalpel bridge the gap between my mind and my genitalia.

    I think a lot of people in power forget that, first and foremost, a person is a soul. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Those who still find it necessary to discriminate and hold prejudice against transgender people are spewing unnecessary negativity at fellow souls without a second thought that they are, indeed, fellow souls. 

    It seems to be a common problem in societies in general. Folks like to forget that the person standing in front of them is just as much of a person as they are. The internet is a prime example. Behind every username is a soul, and it's important to remember that (yeah, yeah, I know there are bots, blah blah blah-- not the point.) Even in the Otherkin community, the "grumpy, cynical, sarcastic, harsh, old-school otherkin adult" is a stereotype that is pretty well backed up by a lot of the older members of the community. 

    The thing is-- what good do any of the above examples put forth? Do those kinds of attitudes towards others make any community a better place? 

    Why is good seen as a bad character attribute? Since when did social justice become a bad thing? Why NOT hold hands and sing Kumbaya? I challenge anyone reading this to do something good. Forget about politics, wars, presidents, and news media. Show kindness to a soul. That's how the world's going to be a better place-- not with guns, or conspiracy theories, or fear mongering, but with the power of light and good. 

    Ya see, light and good are very strong things. They're far stronger than any darkness. The problem with darkness is that it's grown too numerous. It's like a darkness ant colony versus a bright light-spider. The spider is mighty, and can devour the ants tenfold, but the ants just keep coming. We need more light-spiders in the world. I challenge all y'all to be light-spiders instead of darkness-ants. Instead of thinking that the opposite political party of your affiliation is going to doom the world, why not shake the hand of someone who stands for opposite beliefs? 

    Believe in good. It really can work.

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