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So here I am back again, hi
So I know primarily I am wolf therian. I have discovered quite recently my fictotype Sora.
Alright so Now I am questioning being another type.
See I just noticed, because the PH feeling I'm getting is fangs. However these fangs aren't like my wolf ones, but feel very similar.
So I started to theorize that I was a Vampire... but... I also kinda feel an aching kinda feeling near the back of my head, as if I have horns....
I still think I'm a vampire though... I like goth(and dressing goth at times), I have a sensitive neck(no one can touchie, but I've had a dream where I've gotten bit on the neck and woke up with the same mark), I sometimes like blood(other times I despise it), and I dream of dressing like a vampire outside of halloween.
Also what does the Vampirism section in the profile mean?
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(Note: A Lilin is a type of succubus. I'm using this term instead of the more general "succubus" because I can't speak for all succubi. I have no idea how it feels to be an Agrati, Eisheti, etc. Also, this post is going to be about sexuality. I'm not going to be explicit or anything, but if you're under 18 or not okay with that, you've been warned!)
Those of you who've read my profile might notice that I put "other" for my sexuality. That's because a Lilin's sexuality is complicated! And a Lilin-kin's is double complicated! Most people just need to worry about who they feel romantic attraction towards, and who they feel sexual attraction towards. But Lilin can feel a third type of attraction that muddies the water significantly: Hunger.
Since we're all trapped in human bodies - for better or worse - let's talk about how a human experiences hunger: When you're hungry, you basically feel a craving for food. This starts off very generally, but as you unconsciously think about different kinds of food that you could have, you start to crave a specific type. You can still satisfy your hunger by eating anything, but there's an understanding that the food you're craving will taste especially good.
It works this way for Lilin, too. Except instead of eating food, we basically eat lust.* This may seem like a restrictive diet, but consider how wide of a spectrum lust is. There's dominant lust, submissive lust, the lust you feel for a crush, the lust that makes you melt into a kiss. And that's just scratching the surface! One thing Lilin become very good at is dialing in on what specific type of lust we're hungry for, and evoking that as strongly as possible in our partners. It's kind of like seasoning your food.
* This is a huge oversimplification! Feeding should really be a blog post on its own, but I'm not even sure I fully understand it yet. There's only so much that you can learn by studying your instincts and proclivities.
Of course, I'm not exactly a Lilin. I'm stuck in a human body for now, and that means I've never actually tasted lust. I just sort of know how wonderful it would be. There are a lot of things that I just somehow know about how I'm supposed to be, and that can be a blessing and a curse. Anyway, a human body can't feel hungry or satiated in the way that I'm designed to. And in place of that, I feel a total absence of feedback. This absence bothers me very deeply, and is one of the main things that makes my sexuality so complicated. Why? Well...
Let's go back to my human/eating analogy. But just for fun, let's reverse things. Let's say you're a human mind in a Lilin body. So you still have all of those human instincts asking "Did I eat enough? Am I going to starve?" but all they get in response is silence. Imagine how unsettling it would be to go a month without food, and just feel nothing. Wouldn't you try eating anyway? Just to see what would happen? Now imagine how it would feel to smell your favorite food, to take a big bite, and have it disappear before you can taste it. Let me tell you, it is weird!
So what I do to cope with this is I basically pretend. If I focus enough, I can pretend-feed to satisfy a pretend-hunger, and that makes me feel a little better. It keeps my survival instincts from completely freaking out. And since I create this feeling consciously, I can feel it for pretty much anyone I want. Lilin aren't generally picky, but I can be because I get to choose who I feel hunger for. And that's... kind of a good thing, actually. It's one of the few advantages to being partly human.
But just because I can crave anyone I want, doesn't mean that I can love anyone I want. Those feelings can go together, but one doesn't lead to the other. In theory, I could pretend-feed on someone who I feel no attraction to at all, and still enjoy it. Because feeding is about what a person is feeling, and not how they look or what gender they are. So I hope that makes a bit more sense now.
Thanks for reading!
I'm very tired today. And very elated. Today, I get on the plane for Maryland to go see Heilung tomorrow evening. Video for reference lol.
My fiancee is absolutely mad with excitement. We are going with two of our most beloved friends and neighbors and will be meeting other beloved friends once up there.
I'm looking forward to it in a... detached kinda way. It's just too big to pre-think it, I can't Be There until I'm There.
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(All right, I needed to scratch this post multiple times, because while writing it I had multiple Ideas and- dare I say revelations (?) about a few things. And I have to add some trigger warnings her, I guess, for mentions of anxiety and parental abuse... even if I didn't wanted to talk about this just yet here in my third blogpost? But It came up in my musings.)
Discussing or just reading comments here made pointed me to a obvious but kind of unexpected question I never quite asked myself, which is Why?
Why do I like Dragons that much? Am I kith, am I kin with them or do I just like them because they are cool? I like mythology in general, I'm very interested in culture in general and there's no specific time or place I really focus on. But If I really look into it, I'm not that obsessed actually. I had a dragon phase as others had a wolf or archeology phase where it peaked over multiple years, but it dimmed down now. I still love them and if there are dragons somehow involved or depicted, that at least catches my eyes. But come to think of it properly it's much like the average fantasy fan.
I love nature as whole and all types of animals equally and am very fascinated with them. If you ask me to pic a favorite, it will be enormously difficult for me, but eventually I would point to Butterfly's, Elephants and Dragons. And sometimes Owls. See a pattern there?
Dragons for me are wise and intelligent, strong but kind, guiding and fiercely protecting and nobody can harm them. Everything an abused twelve year old whose parents give no rules to obey is drawn to. And if they encourage it by buying you more of it, even better, It seemed to please them so why stopp?
Dragons are a copy mechanism for me.
Elephants, owls and butterfly's are also associated with wisdom and/ or growth. And yet, I have such a different "relationship" with them.
Butterfly's are the most beautiful creatures I know. Not only their colors but also their fragility, yet extreme endurance is mind blowing and I love the natural magic of their livelong evolution. Did you ever stand in a swarm of these fluttering all around you? Life is literally pulsating and overwhelms you with its power. There's a reason hope and the soul are so often depicted as butterfly's, I guess? And they are so helpful and important in the ecological system, too!
Owls are... owls, I guess. I love how those silent cunning predators have perfectioned their survivals skills, like not all of them catching their prey from the air, there are species who literally running after it. And they're are so beautiful and mysterious and strong. And baby owls are one of the the sweetest things I've seen.
I have/had an elephant as an spirit guide (I have no Idea if they're still around). I love watching them, I talk to them in the local zoo. My day just instantly grows better if I see one in real life. If they touch me with their trunk, I'm playing with them until they loose interest. I collect statues of them, I try to buy one in every new Town I visit as an souvenir. I always said I have the soul of an elephant because I'm feeling this old, everybody thinks my proverbial skin is thicker than is actually is, I remember everything ever done to me, my sense of orientation is inhumanly good, I love and protect my family and home at all cost and I grieve for ages for lost love ones. That picture of an elephant touching an old bone tenderly? That's me. That is literally me. And I always loved them, If we go to the zoo nobody even asks if we shall also visit the elephants, we just do. If we go to a zoo in another town, the first thing located on the map are lions for my dad and elephants for me. It just is. I have a child's ring from where I' was three which has an elephant on it and I would wear it if my hands weren't too big. I love warmth and sandy colors -I have orange walls and my whole wardrobe is either that, grey/ black or blue. There is this song about a man longing and being a hurt soul and asking his lover to be gentle with him and I relate soooo much to it both because of what was done to me and the simple fact that its starting with " I'm an elephant, I forget nothing.". I made that statement multiple times and it is true.
It's freaking true.
I need to look into this further but whoa. My head's spinning right now, and I really hope this is readable and not the brain vormitting gibberish it actually is.
Thank you for pushing me to ask this questions.
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I had a super vivid realistic dream shift last night! It started off normally and then I started to question things. After I became lucid I first imagined my phantom tail becoming a physical one (which worked!!) then I got down and imagined the rest of the body and before I knew it I was a white swiss shepherd! I decided to walk to a nearby park and played with the other dogs in the area which was super fun but I had to make sure I didn't get too excited or I'd have woken up earlier. It lasted about a few days in the dream before a mother and daughter decided to adopt me?? (dream logic lmao) Anyway I slept in their house and the next morning they put a lead on my collar and got me to sit and wait whilst opening the front door. We started walking down the street and up until this point I could just about contain my excitement but I was walking *as myself* with nice owners and I was ecstatic, the dream faded out and I woke up shortly after getting excited but I woke up really happy! I hope I can have that dream everyday.
This morning I remembered my dream and I think it was pretty interesting! It wasn’t very long or detailed but here it is.
I dreamt that I was -what I interpreted as- a dragon of some sort. I guess it could also just be classified as; giant lizard. And I was walking on, what I assumed, earth when volcanoes were very active. The thing that happened in my dream is that I went “swimming” in the volcanoes, walking underneath streams of lava and resting on the stones as the lava streamed past me down hill. When I woke up I could still hear the sound of the rocks falling down hill and the warmth of the lava streams on my back. Unfortunately I don’t remember what I looked like exactly.
I don’t put a lot of weight on my dreams (as I have had dreams about being a pro basketballer and such, hah!) But I do like to write them down if they possibly have to do with my identity or how I view myself, for later reference.
I will attach a image for some visual reference. Credits to levyj413 on dpchallenge.
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Finished up another reference for zhuards and I'm relieved that it's finally done and in my collection. I can have a little breather now, although I do plan for others (half-phasing, ka'nar form and pharaoh form). Had a lot of things to get off my chest here.
I watched Jacksepticeye's playthrough of Detroit: Become Human and I related to Markus and Connor a whole lot. I feel that DBH is my hearthome and I was completely going deviant once I met my friend, Shane. I fell in love with the guy, I felt empathic towards him for the first time for anyone ever. I had feelings, I was scared, I felt like murder, suicide, everything in one go in a rush. I now have been diagnosed with all of this for sure now.
When I see those characters, I feel like running with them and taking part in a revolution. To prove I am real, to prove that...
I do have feelings.
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Well, as you all know if you've been following my activity you know that Bendy and the Dark Revival is dropping this year. I've had mixed feelings about it which I've discussed in private while they were still fresh, but now I feel I can share publicly here based on what's been shown so far. So, enjoy these, and feel free to add your thoughts.
So, first and foremost, the game seems to be much more combat based. In the official trailer that was most recently dropped, the player takes on several lost ones that they seem to have just come across. Along with this, there seems to be frequent mention of The Dark Puddles, which was one of the codenames we used in the uprising. I have a feeling that this game will have more connection to that. With that being said, it makes sense that the memories brought around this time will be more stressful and hard to deal with. Despite this I plan on sticking it out, I want the full story and I'll get it.
So, another thing that seems prominent is the Butcher Gang. Now that's not that important because they didn't exist in my AU and probably never will.
Moving on, we have... the main characters, Audrey and Allison. This is where a lot of my feelings come from. If you don't know yet, Allison was the one who took care of me along with her husband Tom. She was gunned down along side him by Joey. I'm wondering if she'll die in this installment and that's something I really don't want to see. Audrey, on the other hand, was the child Bendy and I tried to take care of. I still think of her as my daughter, and seeing her as an adult is odd for me. I'm still not over her death back home, even if I was the pain has returned in this life.
This however has reminded me of my back marking. I've mentioned it before but just incase you don't know, I had a gold marking on my back, similar to the one on Audrey's hand. I'm still not sure what it means or anything but its interesting more or less.
There's also the boss seen in the trailer. I kind of remember them, though not much as of now. I remember having to fight it.
So, that's all I have for now. Thanks for reading, feel free to let me know what you think!
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As expected, christmas is a time of contemplation. It's been one year since my "second awakening" started. From the first day on I claimed that I am a Guardian Dragon, a protector of Earth. But the sheer dimension of realizing what that entails to its full extent is almost unbearable. I'm deeply exploring myself since one year. It's unexpected, but what I've found seems to be bigger than I thought. I dont like to call myself celestial or a deity because I think I don't usually create things, and don't want to be worshipped. Yet still I seem to protect at an outerworldly level, wielding energies beyond all human thinking, being one with the universe and the very force of life. The way how this unfolds, the way the pieces seem to fall into place like guided by fate is.. striking. Everything, even the experiences I at first don't understand myself, eventually finds its place and makes sense. It's nothing short of a revelation, and I stand in awe. It feels so unlikely and outrageous, and yet it makes so much sense to me.
Without any doubt, anyone else who can't feel what I feel or didn't at least experience very similar things would call these thoughts fantasy, fiction, nonsense, crazyness. I can't blame them. But I can't do that anymore, not just like that. I constantly find things that surprise me, that feel too big. I speculate that I might just be above myself, power-obsessed, experiencing all this just because it feels good and gives me confidence in life. No question, anyone looking at me must inevitebly get this idea. I've even been told to be humble, to bow down before the power and energy of this universe. But then again, my own energy feels so vast that bowing down feels inherently and utterly bad, wrong, like denial. And so I constantly struggle, dancing on the edge between staying grounded and freaking out.
When I look at all of you, the power-obsession theory doesn't make any sense overall. You're all wonderful beings and friends who feel like wolves, cats, dogs, fellow dragons... but obviously you're not power-obsessed, otherwise everyone would be Superman or One-Punch Man or something. Feeling powerful can't be the reason for all this. But there must be a reason. Why didn't we all stay humans and be content with that, like anybody else??
And then, it's not that I make this all up just to my liking. A good portion of the things I experience seem to happen on their own or are just there, I merely explore them. I really and honestly feel that way, and it appears I can't even choose how I feel. I can only choose to explore or ignore. And it all confuses me to no end. You remember how confused I was by some of my meditation visions, by fusion shifting, or exploring that empathic ability? I tell you, I literally thought I'd go mad by all this.
I have a tendency to overcomplicate things because I don't want to jump on conclusions without careful contemplation. But maybe I just need to accept that I am more than I thought I was, even if it almost makes my head burst? Even if this puts me closer to the celestial corner than I thought? I think I will find my place there, but heck I wonder if deitykin feel like this at some point, too?
As always, if anyone likes to comment, you're welcome...
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So today we celebrated Yule (a day early as it actually falls on the 22nd here in the UK but yeah) and I was up early, excited to start the day. I ended up super tired about 1pm and had a nap, intending to only have an hour but I slept through my multiple alarms and woke up over 3 hours later. I had a very weird dream which was super fragmented but I wanted to write about what I remembered at least.
Angela (one of my headmates) was fronting but something felt very wrong. It's as if the original host was back, time didn't matter, everything was mixed up. We had possessions back from when we were in school but our current cat was there. Our headmate Toby was around but his appearance was completely different. He was trying to contact a girl over a video game that I didn't recognise, I have no idea why.
As all this was happening we felt like we were falling deeper into... something, like a paralysis. We slowly lost control of our hands, feet, even our mouth and eyes. Angela was desperately trying to wake us up. This happens often - we get into a very deep sleep but we're aware we're sleeping and so someone tries desperately to reach the surface. It's a weird side effect from our medication it seems.
We started to see light 'layers' remove themselves from us/Angela and it was becoming harder and harder to move. We were losing consciousness in the dream, it felt like. Angela was trying to communicate with our partners system, trying to explain what was going on but her words didn't make sense and she kept losing track of what she was trying to say. All the while the layers of light were disappearing, shattering, leaving us exposed and fragmented all over the place. We became more of a consciousness in the dream, no forms anymore. It was scary. I remember thinking that we needed to go to the hospital hahaha.
A scary moment was when the dream showed what was happening on the outside of it - our physical body. At this point we thought this was really happening. Our body was lying unconscious and not responding to our partner. Our eyes were open and we were just gazing ahead with a dead stare. A doctor around the body was saying that we had become so fragmented we were no longer able to function. Occasionally we would groan, have a seizure or seem to come back conscious, but then speak gibberish and fall back 'asleep'.
Eventually our partner did wake us up IRL and Angela was fronting. She was pretty freaked out and her head hurt a lot. I'm not sure what prompted this weird dream aside from the fact that we're stressed due to work right now anddd we ate a bunch of chocolate prior.
Either way it's freaked all of us out a bit, especially as we do have a problem with 'layers' due to BPD and PTSD. But here I am, kinda awake and writing this. Yeahh.
i believe that a real life camp haft-blood is real . ive gotting so many glues , signs and gifts to say thats its real and i heard if you know to much then you won't be going so let's hope thats not me. i have seen some weird stuff in my time but something tells me there more yet to come and i just hope my twin flame wolf is doing fine on his own as well
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Yeah, I know, I've been posting a lot. But I have a lot to talk about. I want to get it all off my chest. I'll probably go into radio silence soon once I've run out of things to post about then come back in like February and post like crazy. I seem to have this pattern with websites I join. Anyways, not sure if this is the right place for this, but I need a place to talk about it, and God knows my family and friends won't listen or understand at all what I'm going through. Maybe I'll talk about how therianthropy played a role in this whole personal mess, a bit at the end, just to stay on topic.
There are two statements that have been pretty much constant throughout my entire life. And you'd think that they go hand in hand. I thought so, at least.
"I am an atheist." This is true. This is a fact. This has not changed. I do not believe in God, or gods.
"I have no no religion." That's where things get jumbly for me. That's where I've stumbled recently. I say stumbled, but it's really more like I tripped and fell two years ago and am still falling. Hence, recently.
So I'm converting to Judaism in secret.
Allow me to explain.
On my mom's side of the family, almost everyone is Jewish. Ethnically, religiously. My great-grandfather came over from Poland and he only spoke Yiddish at the time. My cousins had Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. I did not. Because at some point, my mom decided that she wanted to be a perfect American, and she assimilated. This happened during my life. I remember visiting relatives in New York City for Passover when I was very young, but one year, we just... stopped. We cut all traces of Judaism out of our lives. I was, by all accounts, not raised Jewish. I did not even consider myself Jewish. We celebrated Christmas. We still do... well, they still do. My parents raised me as an atheist. They like to say they raised me to "question everything." But really they just raised a militant atheist with a closed mind, who refused to wonder if there was anything unseen about the world.
Last year, I started feeling... like something was off.
I started feeling lost and alone in my feelings. I had no culture of my own. All my friends and peers did; they talked about going to church with their families, celebrating Easter, all the Christian stuff that I, despite not being Jewish either, was not a part of. Yes, we celebrated Christmas, but it had no meaning. There was no heart behind it. We set up a tree, and I was too young to know why. It had no meaning, because we were not Christian. And I felt weird about this.
I wanted to feel like I was a part of something -- more specifically, something I should have been a part of to begin with. I felt like this culture had been taken from me. Stolen. And I wanted it back. I asked my mom if we could celebrate Passover, like when I was a kid, just once before I left for college. She said yes, so last April, we had a seder. And that really did it for me. I needed more. I craved the feeling of being part of something bigger than myself. I also craved charoset and horseradish, but that's beside the point.
So I decided to do something about it. When I got to college, I went to a Shabbat service. First one in my entire life. The whole time, I felt like an outsider, like I shouldn't be there. I kept thinking, someone will notice I'm not really Jewish, and they'll tell me to get out. No one did. I felt alienated a bit when they talked about God. I don't believe in God. But, as I've been told, that is quintessentially Jewish. And I also felt something powerful. A momentary thread of connection to my ancestors. And then I felt like I had every right to be there.
I'd been taught, mostly by my dad, that religion was bad. Always bad, always wrong. Nothing good could come of it. But I felt something that night. Not God, nor any kind of outside force, but my own sense of belonging and connection and power. It threw me off kilter. And I think it set me up for a complete overhaul of my beliefs.
Because soon after, for some reason, I started to allow therianthropy back into my life. Little by little. Or at least I tried to do it little by little, but it all came rushing back like a dam broke. I felt it so strongly. And suddenly I found myself approaching it from a new angle, believing in things I never had before; spirits, souls, past lives. Why? How? I don't know. I'd always been so sure I would never change. Scared I would never change. I had desperately wished I could believe in something, but I never could. I thought I would always believe, could only believe what I had been raised to believe. There was some kind of mental roadblock. And then suddenly it was gone. I don't know what happened, but it brought questions. Am I a new person now, my very core changed into something different, a metamorphosis? Or am I just a new version of the same self?
As my parents said to me, question everything. So I questioned what they taught me.
But I can never tell them. My mom would think it's weird. She'd tell me not to convert, because it's important to be a part of American culture, as if that excludes Jewish culture. My dad would go nuts, and tell me I was being brainwashed and indoctrinated into a cult, because he thinks all religion is evil, even on a personal level. (Yes, organized religion if often bad. But personal spirituality? Also bad, according to my dad! Believing in an afterlife will make you want to start a holy war. Sure, Dad.) So since I can't tell him, I have to celebrate Christmas with him this year. (Ironically, yes, he celebrates Christmas. A Christian holiday. He's convinced it's secular now. Dad, no.) And it's going to be incredibly awkward. But at least my sibling will be there, and they don't want to celebrate Christmas any more than I do. So we'll have our silent solidarity.
Other than Christmas, I don't care that they don't know. I'm an adult. They have no control over my life and what I do and what religions I convert to.
TDLR: I suddenly believe in reincarnation and I'm converting to Judaism and my parents can't and will never know either of those things.
Why do I always make these things so long? Why can't I stop writing once I start? Why can't I just keep this to myself and stew on it? Hey, question everything.
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So if anyone has been observing, though I haven't posted on this site in a good month or two, I have not been actually away. As I used to do, I've been lurking, watching, inferring, and waiting.
And though I was tempted to simply just leave, I made a decision, and one that I gave a great deal of though at that.
I am not going to be bullied away simply because I don't subscribe to the party line.
How I was treated was bullying, plain and simple, and though I am mature enough to simply just deal with it, it must be addressed.
I will continue to be here because I have as much of a right as anyone else if this site allows impressionable kids to be here, then I, an actual Otherkin, deserve to be here as well.
I have made my point repeatedly, and been proven time again by this website that my assertations are correct. Alas, appeals to logic are not something that many here seemingly respond to, when compared to appeals to emotion and ideals, which have no basis in discussion, are favored and treated as end-all, be-all ways of shutting down dissenting speech.
This site has left me with a bad taste in the mouth towards other Otherkin, simply because I was told before this whole dilemma that this site wasn't like that. It was different from the other places that simply couldn't even handle someone having a different opinion than their own, and had to use emotion based arguments in order to perform an attack on character, instead of actually refuting my statements.
In my time away I have thought about a lot, and either changed my stances on some things, or only crystallized them further.
I will not lie, many Otherkin make me laugh as their absurdity, when they act high and mighty, then cry and whine about how mistreated they are by the average, and normal, people outside of their subculture.
And unlike many people, I do not require anyone else's validation and confirmation about my identity. Because I am secure in it, it doesn't bother me when someone has stances or opinions that are contrary to my own, because I am a grown adult, and I don't need hand holding.
Hand-holding, especially on the internet, for adults only shows that you shouldn't even be on the internet, because the internet is an exchange of ideas, and opinions, and people have strong ones, ones you are not going to like, and painting them as hateful when your own evidence is both contradictory and not logical, is astoundingly immature.
I don't think kids should be on this site at all because many kids below the age of 18 are simply so starving for attention from everyone that they will begin to force themselves to take on an identity that isn't them simply to fit in. By not only welcoming them with open arms, encouraging them that they are Otherkin, is actually really psychologically manipulative.
The assumption that one isn't Otherkin, and should really think about the reasons why they feel like they might be Otherkin, and to be upfront and tell them that it's not fun to have a divergent sense of self image and physical image at all should be the default because we aren't some secret group that so many people are a part of, we're a small group of neurologically different humans. It's not something that's just so deep and spiritual, that is like a new outfit to make you more interesting. It's a condition that will impact you, your self image, your mental health, and your relationships for the rest of your lives. Otherkin isn't like fashion or music, where it's a matter of taste and preference, being Otherkin is knowing that your mind isn't the right shape anymore and something went wrong and changed you somewhere back in the past.
And when someone says that they "don't know what I am yet" or that they "have thought I was multiple different things" is a big red flag to me, as it shows that they came in with the mindset that they are inhuman without any real provocation, then just make something up to fit in, and then change later when they want to, really bad vibes from people like that.
By not being skeptical about someone at the age of 14 claiming they are non-human, considering it's in the age range where bio-chemistry is really fucking with their minds, is actually doing more harm than good for these kids as a whole. You're telling them that they can do whatever they want with no social repercussions. This mindset is what's created "woke" and "cancel" culture, horrifying tools of censorship, and oppression, which has lead to positively encouraging people towards joining, and lauding, actual domestic terrorism with groups like Anfita.
You are saying, technically, to be introspective and think about it but that we'll treat you as a full fledged member of this identity until future notice, but really saying, "You're Otherkin and you can be anything you want, even if it's not true, even if you're not Otherkin."
This is what leads to kids claiming to have lists of kintypes that are based on forced shifts and lies, and fictotypes because they can't differentiate between liking and identifying with a character and being and identifying as that character. Just wait a year or two when that character isn't as important to them anymore, and they now have to carry it around as a weight in order to pretend they weren't the exact thing they said they weren't. It leads to them forcing delusions upon their own minds in order to fit in among all the others who have done the same, creating a horrible negative feedback loop of lies, delusions, and immaturity.
I know there will be claims and cries of, "Fenrir! How could you even?! Being critical and skeptical of children who don't know any better is so wrong and uncultured! You'll only cause more problems for them later!"
Which is wrong.
And here is why!
1) I could even quite easily! I do it quite often, really. I even every day, it's very freeing.
2) Yes, some children are very deep and might know but that chance is so small, and very rare. Most children under the age of 18 don't even know who they are as humans yet, much less that they are some sort of inhuman entity. We should be encouraging them, and every Otherkin while I'm at this, that they are human first and foremost. Even if you believe you weren't human in a past life, you are now, and denying that would be the same as denying that past life by that very logic. That not every single on of their personality traits has to be connected to being Otherkin, or every interest tied to your alternative identity. I love cephalopods, personally, I adore them and think they are so cool, but that's my own personal interest. It has nothing to do with my Truth, and I don't need to try and force a connection because I am mature enough to know that not everything about me has to tie to a single personal trait. Your labels don't have to be so interconnected that they are functionally the same thing, you are a collection of labels. A collection of traits and tags that connect and form the information that is you. They don't all have to be super meaningful, and it's better that some aren't. I used to love seeing how fast it took me to swim out to the dock each time I went swimming at the ponds, not because it had some grand connection to my Truth, but simply because I wanted to get better each time, and for my parents to praise my skill.
3) It's actually much better for these kids to be faced with skepticism and logic, because this will teach them to be critical themselves, and to judge information on a case-by-case basis, rather than letting emotions make their decisions for them. Many "problems" in society today aren't actually the big problems we are told they are, but the appeal to emotions blinds people from seeing beyond the smokescreen of lies and misinformation masquerading as fact. We are creating people with separatist mindsets, who think that they are so different, and that they should be treated differently than the "normal" people, when we should be creating a culture of integrationists, who seek to show normal people that we're normal as well, just with some odd traits and beliefs, but still people as well. The separatist mindset, and the activism associated with it, will only bring about what I dub the "collapsing the acceptance threshold." By demanding so much, and expecting every crazy idea to be accepted by everyone or your a bigot is only making the average person more hateful of you and everything you say, and is only going to set back the acceptance of subcultures by decades because people will decide, "Hey, you know what? I'm tired of being called a bigot by these people. They are crazy! And you know what else? Fuck them, they think they're better than all of us, well, we'll show them that they're wrong." It's only creating more division and derision towards the people who have real alternative life systems, who simply want to be accepted, because the people who are creating this culture will simply decide it wasn't fun and cool anymore to pretend to be a part of the group now, so whatever towards the people they fucked over, time for the next place to have fun.
4) I have personally been on both ends of the dilemma, and believe me, having someone be skeptical of me, and really force me to look at my stances and my feelings, and beliefs was actually the best thing that someone could have done to me, considering the horrible state of mind I was in. I was very confused, and I latched on to whatever identity made me "special" enough to be noticed, and whatever would get me attention because I felt so empty and alone and in pain. People encouraging the kind of mindsets we as Otherkin are encouraging in teens and kids is only making it harder for them to be honest, because all they want is to be loved and accepted unconditionally, even about things that aren't actually accurate about them, and the mindless acceptance of such beliefs is only going to make this even worse, until lying about who you are to be accepted is the new norm (FYI it already is and is ruining modern society.) Being loved and accepted are noble desires, and I do believe are good things, but accepting things that are false, or are delusions are not going to help anyone in the long run, only make things much worse.
Now, I know that many of you here will not agree with me, probably never agree with me, and guess what? That's fine by me. I have made my opinions known, and will answer actual questions about them, and defend them if I need, or change them if given real evidence of them being wrong. Appeals to emotion don't sway me anymore, because I know now that doing what's right isn't doing what your emotions tell you, it's doing what is best even if you don't like it.
Just as one can be open minded and accepting without accepting everything under the sun.
I find it quite liberating to be so diametrically opposite to many of the residents here. It shows, right out of the box, that I'm willing to make myself a pariah to stand by my beliefs. My beliefs, forged by deep though, philosophy, and logic, are what make me myself. I judge everything, case-by-case, and make my own decisions on them, and you can see that by the fact that I will say what I believe, even if no one else likes that opinion. That I have the willpower and backbone to belief what I believe even if those like me hate me for it. Just like how I walked away from the Democratic Party, or how I turned from feminism once I saw that it was actually not about equality, but women superiority, pushing me towards egalitarianism and being anti-feminism and pushing for the equal treatment of men in modern society, and how I refuse to participate in the LGBT culture because it's incredibly toxic and a time bomb, or how I advocate for capitalism, or stronger borders and an anti-globalist agenda, among many other things.
Does that mean that I'm going to go to threads I know I won't agree with, then get upset about it? Hell no. I'm not immature, or stupid. Wanting to be outraged is a huge indicator of immaturity, and one that I don't want in my life anymore. Just as asking someone a question when you know they won't give you a answer you like is immature, as is expecting them to cave in to your emotion based demands and character attacks, and force them to change to your own way of thinking is both immature, and downright offensive.
Do I expect to change the minds of anyone here with my words?
No. Not really. I know y'all won't like what I have to say, but, alas, I am going to say them anyway.
I can be friendly and kind to those who don't believe as I do. That is sadly something that people today have not learned to do, or even that it exists.
Attacking people who believe differently than you, and using emotion based attacks, and character attacks to end a discussion only makes them hate you, and hate your side even more, whereas logic and proof will help change the minds of those who oppose you much better, just like how right-wing commentators are proven to be better at de-radicalizing people than liberals who only make people they come into contact with much more radical.
oh and by the way y'all I asked my trans friends about that whole thing and I was told time and again I wasn't being transphobic, so
Ok so Vegas is huge and awesome and surrounded by mountains!! Only been here a few days but I already know I'm gonna cry when I have to go back to Oklahoma :c
I'll start from the beginning. So I ran away from my family's house on the 19th. Yes, ran away. Packed a bunch of shit into bags and walked a heckin mile to my friend's house (im out of shape ok) in the middle of the night and it was not fun. I left a note to my parents explaining everything like how I'd really felt about them for a long time but felt compelled to lie to them and keep things from them to stay out of trouble. Anyways I got on the plane the next day. Airports are p confusing and when I landed in Vegas I got confused again LOL had a hard time finding the baggage claim, where my bf was waiting for me.
The plane ride was p awesome, a bit scary at first esp bc there was some turbulence, but it was really cool. When the plane started taking off I was like HOLY SHIT WE'RE GONNA FLY and the plane wobbled a lot, which sucked bc I was stuck in between 2 guys lmao. I ended up kinda drifting off a few times on the plane (didn't get any sleep before that) and waking up not long after, but it was still nice and I was SO excited to see Spencer (my bf).
Meeting him was awesome, tho we're both awkward af irl LOL but we hugged for a long time and I just started annoying him with how cool I thought every thing was I've hardly been to any sorta big cities and definitely none THIS big. There's so many ppl and there's like highways that go all throughout vegas, it's crazy to me. But p much everywhere you look if you're up high enough, there's mountains in the distance, and I think that's what surprised me the most. Maybe I just haven't seen enough online about Vegas but I totally thought it was just like, desert and that's it lmao I knew there were mountains somewhere bc Spencer had told me but I didn't know vegas would be SURROUNDED by mountains like that, and they're all close enough that you can see them easily.
Spencer is even more amazing in person we've known each other for like 1 1/2 years now and have been dating for almost half a year. He's so super sweet and wholesome and considerate, and his family is extremely nice too. I'm so so grateful to have him, he's everything I could've asked for and more. We've only been together a few days but we've walked around parks a bit and gone to stores and made awesome food, and it's been great so far. I never wanna leave :c I love him so much.
My family of course hasn't been taking this well. I was surprised that my mom's first reaction was to text me and tell me she loves me, which made me feel really guilty but I knew I shouldn't respond. If they really cared about me they would've let me do things and be a fucking adult a long time ago. I do kinda feel bad for my mom bc ik despite everything I'm sure she does rlly care about me at least to some degree, she just has an odd and harmful (to me) way of showing it. My siblings seem to either not care or are fairly supportive of me at least. I was surprised that one of my sisters was proud of me for rebelling and tried to warn me that my parents were going to have the police detain me, but I was too busy to answer the phone. Anyways they couldn't detain me LMFAO because after all, I'm a fucking adult and not doing anything illegal. Not my fault my parents still think I'm stupid and can't do anything by myself.
I'm trying not to let myself feel sorry for them and guilty for running away like I did and not responding to them. I have to keep reminding myself of all the horrible things they've said and done throughout my life, from teaching me from a young age to not think for myself but not listen to anyone who doesn't agree with my parents, to the time a couple years ago they didnt let me go to an amusement park with my friends I'd known for a while because they didn't trust me to be a responsible adult and not get kidnapped or some shit. No matter what I say to them, it won't matter. They won't change their minds to let me be free and learn and grow normally. I didn't do much fucking growing living like that, lmao.
Anyways, I'm extremely happy, despite a couple "friends" being mad at me for the stupidest reasons, which I'll possibly get into in another post, and a couple days ago Spencer tried to teach me how to skateboard and I fell off LOL my arm still hurts a little, but it's getting better.
Here's a pic of me and my bf!! (Face reveal I guess?)
I'm just so happy. I'm glad I finally got away from my parents.
I thought I'd start a blog here.
Last week I had a weird meditation session. It started off really nice. I left my mind wander and the first place I went was to my cat self. I was in some bushes and was watching a goat outside of them between the leaves. The goat walked off and I left the bushes and ran beside a field of wheat. It was fall and everything was orange.
Then some other stuff happened and towards the end of the session, I decided to go check out my angel self. So was I looking at a representation of this and told one of my headmates that I felt like I was the angel constantly, like this was me in another universe or maybe a higher dimension or something, and that I felt a thick cord leaving the back of my neck and connecting to the angel. I started pulling on the cord (it was made of purple light) and all of a sudden I started spinning. Like my consciousness was tumbling through space. All I could see was a blur of black and green clouds. Then I stopped and the clouds parted like a stage curtain and I saw a huge moon in the desert. There was a mesa and desert plants on the horizon, all silhouetted. Then it was like something grabbed my by the cord again and I was yanked away from that scene and was spinning in the clouds again. I caught some glimpses of things here and there, but I couldn't make anything out.
Then my meditation timer went off and the session ended.
I looked up the spinning online. Apparently this happens a lot. I was worried it might be something dangerous, but it seems to be one of those things that just happens sometimes. But judging from the fact that everyone has a different explanation as to what it is or what causes it, no one knows anything about it beyond the fact that it happens.
In any case, it was weird.
I have known that I am not an earthly wolf for quite some time and will try to explain what makes me different below.
I have tried on the identity wolf in the past, and there was a slight disconnection/foreign feeling. Pterolycus/winged wolf feels more correct, as the phantom wings are definitely integrated into this identity. My wing shifts do not feel cameo at all and are quite frequent and strong. I also feel like I should be able to fly, or at least glide, despite never being able to, it feels weird to lack this ability. I also have the ability to "shape-shift" not physically, but phantom, mentally, or metaphysically within meditation. There is a folktale of a winged wolf with the ability to shape-shift, which helps me feel confident with this identity.
During meditation, I am often lead to another world or dimension (not sure which) that feels more "home" than earth does. Perhaps this is where my kin originates from? I feel more like a spiritual being, and not in the sense of just being a spiritual person. I genuinely feel like my kintype might be native to the spiritual or astral plane (or from a place more connected to it than earth is) I'm still questioning this, however.
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It seems I never did continue to tell you about my kin studies did I. Hm. Anyways, that doesn't matter because I wanna tell ya'll something. Anyways, if you are a person that reads bios, like I love to, you might have noticed I no longer have set kin types and such listed. Instead everything is being questioned. This is something I have been thinking of doing for a while, but I finally talked it over with my friends on therian amino, you know them, and they are gonna help out with it. I kinda got caught up in real life and stopped writing down shifts and other behavior in my journal, so i'm starting that over also.
Most of you may be confused to why i'm starting over. Wasn't I so sure on the arctic wolf theriotype? Answer: not anymore. When I finally picked back up on my journal for now till I get a new one, I realized my movemnts were more cat like, not so big and bulky as you may see a dog move towards a door when knocked on. And shifts felt so much... smaller is a way to put it. At first I was looking into foxes, because some can move kind of like cats. But I'm not sure what, but I was watching a video of Koda and PD like a week ago, and something clicked. All the smaller and smoother movements made sense. A ferret was both small and smooth.
I'm not saying that it's comepletely right, because I could be comepletely off. But considering I never really took notice to ferrets, but they match all behaviours, I'm gonna look into them anyways. It's kinda like when people end up having a kintype they absolutely hated. They learn to love it since they identify as it! I don't hate ferrets, but hey, they are cute!
Now that i've said that, let me get back on topic. I know the wings on Wyverns match, but what if it is just really a prehistoric creature with wings? I'm not doubting it, but honestly, I don't see any behaviours or anything between me and dinos. But I don't see any with Wyverns besides the wings either. What if it's some type of hybrid that I just haven't found yet, and that's what species they are? I figured out that thunder triggers wing shifts, just like rain triggers fur shifts for me. It really isn't to bad when you get used to it. My only issue is I go back to school soon and I don't want them to cause a problem.
I hope we just don't watch any more movies with animal death in them. The last time it happened, I was on my medicine and it made me drowsy and unfocused. I'm no longer on it though, so all my senses are much more alert than last year. Of course my best friend could help out because she knows and actually chats with us sometimes over on amino.
Anyways, this was just a continuation to let ya'll know i'm not dead haha. Though once school starts this Monday, I might be. But still, see you all later!
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(Speaking present tense as Lady Lunastre)
For one such as myself, my true draconian heart is what keeps me alive, my astral energy and power within ever flowing, and forged my connection with nature and people alike, for this I have realized when I set foot into the great wilderness of the alpine mountains, and saw the beauty of the ever awakening storm, the moon shining brighter as I raised my astral wings to the darkening sky, waiting for the beauty of the stars and the void, hidden by the powerful storm following.... Amongst the hidden beauty of the nature around me during such a time, I have begun to truly awaken my true draconian heart, and I have begun to fine tune my astral energy for the sake myself, and the nature around me, for I am doing the most subtle amount of astral energy to help the life forms around my existence....
Something I will always know, for all of time and for all of Infinity, is the fact that I am truly draconian, in blood, heart, and soul, for I will always win the war with the evil and the demons created by the hate and warring of ideals within this world we live in, for I see the beauty in all walks of life, and I will always strive to protect those I love, and those that need help more than anyone else. I know who I am, and what I look like, for I am Lady Lunastre, Celestial Queen of the Draconians, the only true daughter of the almighty Infinite Draconian Lord.... I see within my true slumbering form, the vast expanse of my magnificent wings, imbued with the power of the celestial existence and the storm across the sky and the realms above, and within my existence I sense the desire and the calling to help and provide aid to all beings of life and earth, to see the smiles on the faces of the world, so they can truly prosper and love their beautiful lives and walks of life, (this applies to you all reading this), and the great, spiraling horns that bear my molten iron crown of celestial being shines down and burns my enemies who dare to disrupt the balance of the world. The magnificent color of my dark, cobalt blue scales shine down upon the world, for my titanium scaled hands providing love and protection to all who need a hug, or the simple encouragement for them to see the beauty within themselves..... I see the perfect balance of the world, and for I as the celestial draconian queen strive to protect the great balance that keeps us all alive and seeing the great beauty within all walks of life....
Those and the evil who the wind and the storms blow against, will be burned to ashes by my pure azure fire, and the great power of the celestial and eternal darkness of the void will take and destroy those who desire to take the lives and happiness of the innocent beings that walk the worlds of all kinds, for the celestial energy that I hold within will destroy and strike the evil that dares to take hold of those who live life by their own good happiness.... For the strength of the dragon is used to protect, not to destroy, and for I as the celestial draconian queen will protect all walks of nature, life, and death, for all of time, and for all of Eternal Infinity.....
(End, excerpt from my true draconian heart and self....)
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Something we’ve never done, is to put all of these ‘memories’, all of these flashes of what might be, together publicly. I am not naturally open, I do not trust others with my innermost thoughts, I see no point when so many are crude in their attempts at understanding and carelessly tread upon what is held dear to myself. Both this life and within DL has taught me as to other’s disregard of my emotions and innermost thoughts. Ultimately people do not care to a standard I recognise as 'care’, perhaps as a result of my own high expectations.
But, I will not digress further. What I am about to put to words is what I 'know’… regardless of how unreliable such an experience can be. The malleable nature of the mind is at times dreadfully inconvenient, and does leave me on the edge of true acceptance. So, with that in mind, we shall begin.
I was born as Karlheinz and Beatrix’s second child and lived my childhood within one of father’s castles, and though I struggle to remember it, originally Beatrix did have some interest in my welfare. It was however before I passed my second or third year that things began to deteriorate.
Cordelia’s antagonising of mother had started before I was born, and the initial stages of care was more from her natural feelings of obligation rather than a relaxed form of 'love’, but, I’m not one to talk of such things, as I don’t believe I ever saw her as she might have once been before my conception.
The transition away from mother’s care was gradual, where more and more times I would be kept under watch by the maids within the castle. I did attempt to garter some concept of 'love’ or care beyond duty from them also, but they were always resistant, and before I turned 6 I was already closing up. I had been told quite often what and who I was, and through that I justified my existence, for, to consider the thought of being 'unwanted’ was far too unpleasant to dwell upon.
I was a vampire prince, I could one day take my father’s position - At least, that’s what the maids told me. Mother would speak similarly, but with her own twist on the latter, “You shall one day serve your brother as his advisory.” or such similar dismissals of my own capabilities.
Though her constant rejection of myself, I ran through many different theories or ideas as to why this might be. One point was my eyes. Though there are many who argue about it within this 'fandom’, I can not see clearly without my glasses. My eyesight is not abysmal without them, but it is certainly weak enough to require them. This, for a vampire is rather a sign of weakness. If I’d been born into any position other than the one I was, I’d likely have been subjected to rather more in the way of mocking comments or teasing jabs. Later on my half-siblings certainly wouldn’t refrain from such comments, though it was quickly lessened through my own 'encouragement’ for them to stop.
I developed a strong interest in the sciences, particularly chemistry, an interest that later developed into cooking also, though this is where some minor motions away from the 'canon’ do start to seep in. Cooking never became a 'passion’ of mine, it was simply an extension of chemistry for me. I was doing it at father’s behest; I did it because I was told to, it was simply a bonus that I found it mildly interesting for it’s more technical side. My cooking would also tend to be a fair sight more 'interesting’ for quite a time.
I experimented while younger, it’s what young minds do best. The Demon World doesn’t have plants like the Human World does, but it does have quite the wide array of poisonous plants, toxic and venomous animals and various other, sometimes magical, components for alchemy. I certainly didn’t shy from trying everything I could get my hands on, as I was left to my own devices a majority of the time. Classes were not regularly scheduled for me as they were for Shu, so I had rather a lot of free time to explore.
The area around the castle was vast, with a dark forest that usually we as children wouldn’t have been allowed to enter. I’d collect herbs or other ingredients there and quickly run back to 'play’ with them. I enjoyed this 'work’ so much, but what I really wanted was to show my work. I didn’t like to admit it, but I was often at times lonely for recognition. Companionship I was relatively content without at that age, I enjoyed what I did and that was all I needed. Books, potions and the freedom to explore those freely.
Something else that certainly isn’t covered at all within the writings of DL was our abilities. These I did attend sessions with Shu for, though they did little but to further embed the feeling of inferiority. Vampire children, specially those born with our blood would be taught very quickly to learn the use of their abilities.
Some individuals would be better in some areas that others, but for a list of them all it isn’t much different to what it canonly understood:
- Familiar Summoning & Control
- Energy Perception
Along with also natural traits we were born with being above that of humans, being physical strength, physical durability, healing, sight (if you weren’t me), hearing and energy perception.
Energy Perception, for a little elaboration is essentially the ability to feel the presence of others. With training yours could be lessened and you could detect others more easily. It’s rather similar to the concept of auras or empathic reading that persons here can train themselves to do - or be born with a natural gift to be able to easily. It’s the same concept.
I remember the lessons with Shu in particular regarding our transformations into our bat form. For many families it is the sign of a child entering into adolescence, and the first time it is done to be seen as the blossoming of one’s vamprism. You could see it akin to a baby speaking their first word. Unfortunately Shu was able to transform before myself, and mother rather joyously praised him infront of us as he hung upside from her outstretched hand. It is not a pleasant memory, but rather few are.
There are however two stages for us with pure blood. Where’s most vampires could change into a small bat form, usually for flying across larger distances, fitting into small locations, quick getaways or similar, we could also change into a much larger bat form. If you follow my blog here you may have seen them depicted a number of times.
When a pure blood vampire learns how to change into that form is is more a sign of adulthood - Which leads me to clarify that the 'ages’ we have been assigned naturally do not reflect the actuality of our time spent alive. Age, as a concept works rather differently for us as vampires, but we’ll come back to this in a moment.
I don’t recall when or how Shu learned to change into his larger form, I wasn’t there to bare witness. I actually don’t remember any of the others learning for the first time clearly, but we may reflect to see if we recall any in more detail with my younger siblings. I have a feeling Subaru might have done his by accident while in a fit of rage inside the mansion.
My first time was outside, within the forest, isolated. So, if that is anything to go by, one might consider that the norm, and why I do not recall any other’s first times. However I do seem to remember Ayato appearing flying above the mansion yelling at everyone to look at him. I can only guess that was his first time, though we didn’t see the transformation it’s self.
Generally speaking, we tended not to use our large forms. We had little need to, and they consumed a fair chunk of our energy to change into and to change back out of again. I know that I have seen all of my sibling’s forms at least once, along with mother’s, Karlheinz’s and Christa’s, but I don’t recall ever seeing Cordelia’s, which is why on the chart we made it is admittedly a guess, rather than done from memory.
Dating Memories and Time
Time is an incredibly hard thing to get down linearly when I was born in the castle in the Demon World yet later moved into the Human World. To my knowledge, time passes faster here in the Human World than it does in the Demon World, but if you were to move between them you wouldn’t notice any difference till your return back to your own world. Why do I believe this the case? There’s a tremendous amount of reasons, both originating from my own memories and also what is both stated, and implied in canon.
The first time marker I have to go off of is when I discovered Shu slipping into the Human World through a gateway within the Demon World forest. I must have been the physical equivalent of around 7 at the time. The gateway lead to another forest in the Human World that eventually gave way to a small isolated town. I never visited myself, but I did catch myself 'human watching’ a few times, really just a chance to reaffirm to myself my own superiority. I never spoke to any humans, but the sun was bright and irritated so I often wouldn’t stay long.
This eventually did lead to the rather infamous event of setting that small town ablaze. The reasons for this are complex, personal and would take us off topic to go into. So if curious, do go and read one of the wonderful character analysis some fans have written for me.
I didn’t stay to watch the fire, though I wished I had. It was done at night after learning the time cycle between our worlds so that the time of day would be just right. There was a stables near the edge, and I crept in to undo the doors for all of the horses first before setting the barn alight. The large amount of straw there worked as a firestarter, and the wooden building it’s self enabled the flames to catch hold.
Many of the buildings nearby were also comprised of mostly wood and/or thatched roofs, allowing the flames to spread and hop between buildings. As I fled I remember hearing a bell tolling as someone spotted the quickly expanding fire.
DL, if you might not be aware, takes many notes of it’s world’s history from this world’s. This can be seen the most with the Mukami’s and their background, but unfortunately their influence I feel is something that might have distorted the original timeline.
It would get into an awful lot more off-topic conversation to elaborate more on my Fictional Life Theory, perception equating to actuality and the link between this world and that of DL through mental retention while this post is already dreadfully long. So for now I’ll still to my original memories and maybe at some other time return back to that of alternative timelines.
Though upon saying that, due to the fact I didn’t stay to watch, I actually know very little about what happened thereafter. The little I remember is simply the building architecture and the surrounding area. All I could say for sure is that it was European in origin and likely 17th-18th Century.
Returning to the Castle the next day I did hear many hushed whispers between the maids about the fire, and that, “Many humans died.” Though I believe that this may actually be an exaggeration now with the death toll only reaching 20 or so when I’d gone my entire life believing it was somewhere in the hundreds.
The Castle it’s self was truly beyond anything that humans could create here. It’s size was beyond any Human World structure, with a 16th Century interior and a somewhat distorted 16th Century exterior. I remember it’s seemingly mile high walls stretching high into the grey sky with many arches supporting it’s grandeur. This wasn’t just a normal castle, it was one constructed by Karlheinz himself, and it showed that in it’s might. The structure it’s self was incredibly imposing, as if it was some sleeping behemoth that might start to shudder and shake and come alive in an instant.
There were however a few gargoyles that would sit on the corners. They weren’t made of stone, but actual demonic familiars. There weren’t many, but we could sometimes see them hopping between the high arches with their wings outstretched. They were there to keep us safe from other vampire clans, but an attack never happened, so we never saw them in action.
This wasn’t the castle where Karlheinz worked from/lived, but rather created solely for his wives. An amusing thought is comparing it to a holiday home, though that might also be seen as rather an insult to his work, so I’ll refrain. There were three separate sections within it, one for each of his wives. Beatrix, Shu and I had the right wing, Cordelia and her sons had the centre and Christa and Subaru had the left.
The design of the castle was asymmetrical, and as long as I spent living there I never got to see all of it’s hidden areas. It was filled with corridors, passageways, stairs seemingly leading nowhere, a multitude of rooms for just about everything, a ball room, a swimming pool (yes even back then, there was an outdoors one also), large kitchens, a laboratory, at least two libraries, multiple games rooms and more.
Oh, I have gone off topic detailing about just about everything now haven’t I? There’s honestly far more that can be said, but if you’re wanting to hear about that it’s perhaps better you just contact me directly. I don’t bite.. So to speak.
There’s other events to cover, such as Cordelia and Beatrix’ demise, but we’ll save that for another time and jump straight to the topic of brides.
You might ask, did Karlheinz send you brides? And the answer would be yes, and the same fate befell them as you might already be aware.
It was very rare I ever involved myself, I left most of the 'interactions’ between them and the triplets usually, as they were the most interested in that sort of thing. There were only a few human girls who would try their luck with me, unfortunately I wasn’t interested in being charitable any more than the others. Their interest in me would quickly wane upon interacting, and that would rather set off a chain reaction.
I don’t handle being ignored well, you understand. If you start something you should finish your goal, and I have little patience for those who don’t follow through. I would see echoes of my past in them, as I’m sure most of us did. They were dolls we projected our lives onto, and they suffered the result of that.
However, disregarding all of the previous minor alterations from the 'canon’, this is the largest fork in the timeline, as I’m unsure if Yui appeared at all. Honestly the options are between, “Yui did join us, but did not pick me. It’s also unlikely she had Cordelia’s heart.” or “Yui didn’t join us.” Either case, the girls send to us was like drip-feeding, which does bring up the point of how we would feed but again, a topic for another time.
The result of Yui never involving herself with me meant that tensioned continued to rise in the mansion. Being forced into a much smaller space as we were now made conflicts more common, and my relation to Shu, though already sour was nearing it’s breaking point - Till eventually, it did.
I had already rid myself of mother, my next target had always been Shu. Without the counterbalance of Yui my focus shifted away from resurrecting mother, and purely onto Shu. The one who continued now to take advantage of my behaviours to live in denial and avoid the world around him. In short, I challenged him. One final duel. One final fight to the death.
This wasn’t practise, this wasn’t brotherly sparing, this was my declaration for his end, and so we fought. Details again I’ll.. Have to write another time. But this is the most prominent point of my memories.
The end result was that I won, just. He’d almost crushed my skull but a split second prior to my final blow. Beyond here things do get rather.. Well, I’d say 'personal’, but this entire post has been. But I was rather 'out of my right mind’ after killing Shu. I took to the skies in my larger bat form, calling to father all the while before I started to relapse into old memories.
My identity, my concept of who I was was that of a monster, a murderer, and so I embraced it outright. I set ablaze another town and sat upon the spire of the cathedral to wait.
Looking back on it, it’s honestly a rather immature cry for attention, but that’s the point I had been driven to. I had nothing left but the idea to destroy that which surrounded me. The world that had rejected me, the family who had ignored me, the ones who had denied me the right to be a concept known as 'myself’. I was shaped by the world to be recognised by it, and so now I bore a scar onto the land so I might be known to exist.
I’ve actually written out a lot of this before in this blog post here, so you're free to read up on that for what happened in-between events listed here.
Memories past this point do get a little patchy, but I do believe that I managed to seek out father myself upon realising he wasn’t going to come to me. I re-entered the demon world via a gateway in the forest of which I’d just told the elderly lady not to follow me. I made my way to Karlheinz’ main castle on horseback before confronting him directly.
I do not know everything, in detail, but I do know I was ready for a fight to the death with father also, and didn’t expect the reality of what he decided to do instead. Ontop of one of the towers he changed into his own bat form - Though to call it a 'bat’ would honestly be a discredit to the scale of the creature he changed into. With four wings, four ears, three eyes and a continuously flowing white mane that drifted around his form as if he was submerged under water he bore down on me with his might. He told me to learn more, before encountering him again. I was still naive, immature and undeserving of his power.
With those last words he eradicated me from that world, and, if my theory is to be correct, placed me into this one.
The tests he has given me thereafter have emulated Shu’s life to force me into understanding his perspective, his emotions and life, and to learn the concept of kindness, love, selflessness and emotions in a way I have never been able to truly grasp before. What this life deals is often times ruthless, without remorse, without mercy, but if I am to live then I will find a way to live. If it is what I must do then I will do it.
This is who and what I presume myself to be. You may judge me however you wish. This is my story, and I think unless I accept it, I will always be at ends with myself.
Thank you for reading.
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So, I haven't been very active here in a while, although I've lurked and responded to some stuff off and on, mildly. This is a general update on how I'm doing, since I'm coming up on my fourth year of being in this community and actively accepting my belief and identity as the Devil. It's also almost been a year since my first memory smacked me upside the head, and I have basically been non-stop shifty ever since. It's to the point where at times I'm like "am I the otherkin equivalent of a contherian?" Is that terminology even useful for me at all, though?
I'm not 100% sure why, but within the past week I've suddenly been hit with an onslaught of mental shifting and more memory recall, again maybe because I'm coming up on a year since that first one? I have a bunch of thoughts bouncing around in my head, from that thought to wondering when the anniversary of my Fall would be on our calendar and if that could potentially cause an upset or rise in shifting/memory for me. In total, I've had about five memories; the most recent one was moreso a memory layered over a "feeling", or imagined scenario. The scene itself was, I believe, simply serving as a parallel to a scene I have been through more than once, so a specific memory was not called into my head, but instead a replacement and/or trigger for it and the associated emotions and actions.
However, when I talk about this, I have to dance around the subject. Because of all the memories I've recalled at this point, almost none of them are things I'm comfortable sharing the exact details of. Not now, not ever. This can be a little awkward in the angelkin community, where it can be normal to give out details of your traumatic death/torture/Fall memories, a habit which I've always found kind of weird but each to their own on what you're comfortable sharing, I guess. For me, I'm not comfortable sharing it beyond summary or vague implications - but I still want to talk about it and the associated emotion with people who understand. So I find myself in a weird sidestep dance around what I've experienced.
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I have wanted to start a blog for a few weeks now and haven't been sure where to start. Just haven't thought of a good starting place, a place that I felt comfortable sharing my 'kin self with others, until now...
Recently, I began to develop more of an understanding for the history and culture of one of the few parts of my genetic/ethnic background I actually know anything about, that place being Scotland. By blood, I am descended from a lowlands clan of the surname Benfield. By law and by all the family I have known since infancy, I am descended from the highland Stewart clan of the surname Cruickshank. The family history has been something I have clung to since childhood.
After I awakened, I began to get flashes of memory from my past dragonic life, flashes of a life lived in a rugged land flanked on all sides by the sea. Flashes of people speaking a tongue that reminds me of my dragonic self. Slowly the pieces came together, over the course of a year. In my dragonic life, I lived on the British Isles, both Scotland and Ireland.
Cut to this last week. I've wanted to study Scottish history for a long time and finally said now was the time. I researched and bought three books, and two days ago cracked open the first. I found myself within the first chapter transported repeatedly back into memories that haven't seen the light of day, even in the 10 years since I've awakened. Memories filling in gaps that previously I had filled with theories and suppositions. The history unfolded on paper and in my mind, and the book placed dates that my mind could only guess at.
The book spoke of archaeologists unearthing signs of Hunter gatherer groups of people living there since the end of the last great ice age, and this was the first shock of personal memories being dragged out of my long-asleep mind. I saw a flash of the land as it was then, viewed on the wing, swooping low over the water, viewing a world just waking up from a long slumber beneath ice. It felt fitting that this was the first memory to come, as I too feel I am waking from a deep slumber. As I read, a rapid-fire flash of memories, faces, voices, colors, trees, water, food, hunting, mountaintops, lochs, people... All a sort of jumbled mess of brief impressions flashed through my mind and left me reeling. Still I read on, desperate to see what else would surface.
The book told of the rise of farming, the settling of humans into communities with buildings and domesticated animals. It spoke of the felling of ancient forests, gone and forgotten in the modern Scotland. It told of the rise of a primitive form of the famous Scotland Clans, as people bound themselves to one another in loyal family groups. Again I experienced this rapid-fire onslaught of memories, but this time it was more distant... I didn't feel the soul-wrenching feeling of closeness to these people. If anything I felt sad, knowing they were giving up many things for this new way of life. I believe I disapproved.
I read on, the book unfolding the history of Rome's attempts to conquer the British Isles. How they took the lowlands, but were unable to hold the great Glen or the highland hills and mountains. How they built Hadrian's Wall to keep the "barbarian" Pictish tribes, the Painted Ones, from attacking what land they held. I again felt memories stir but these were also distant. I had kept apart from these squabbles of men.
I have read on since then, to the time of the Anglo-Saxon conquest of the land, their eventual settling of a portion of the land after mostly being repelled by the Picts, and now have begun reading of the Viking sacks, raids and takeovers of various portions of the land. I feel yet more and more disconnected now. Memories come as if from a dream, but they do come.
Previously, I believed I lived in the Isles from about the time of Christ until around the time Christianity had begun to take hold there. I believed I lived there a few centuries, and then died at sea in an attempt to save a woman washed overboard from a ship by a storm. But now, I am left to contemplate if I didn't live there much earlier, and several centuries longer.
I want to ponder over this more, perhaps reread what I have already read as well.
I am open to thoughts and impressions on what I have written, and questions for more details as well.
My personal explanation for my other-ness has always been reincarnation, mixed with the multi-universe. I’m not really sure how to explain it outside of just knowing it’s right; I was a dragon in a past life and somehow I managed to (vaguely) remember it, with said dragon still being a part of me. This is probably the best explanation I can give currently, as I haven’t been questioning the why as much as I think I should.
My appearance Ive shared before, but I’ll state again here just so everything can be in one place. This is just a general idea of what I think, however, and it may change slightly as I learn more about myself.I was a bear-sized dragon with pale-gray scales, blue and gray feathered wings, and a blue mane. I’m fairly certain that this “mane” is made up of down feathers rather than fur, but am still figuring that one out. Large black scales dot above each leg and under each eye. I had three-toed paws with gray claws. My overall build is a more boxy, European style.
My home was in a boreal forest, or a taiga. For those unfamiliar with the biome type, boreal forests are mostly made of various species of evergreens, with long harsh winters and deep snow on the ground. Summers were short, but much warmer (and by warm I mean 10 C or 50 F hehe) with lots more vegetation to go around. I lived with a clan here, though I don’t remember much about my clan. Just that they were there, that we protected each other, and that elders would sometimes hibernate. Sometimes the hibernation was just to escape the cold winters, sometimes they lasted years as they just slept. I couldn't tell you how sleeping for several years helped them, but it does seem nice heh.
I spent many a day fishing along a river that cut through our territory, and I have very vague memories of flying to a more tundra-like place for… reasons? I can’t really remember why.
That’s just about all I can remember. Not much about me as a person, or my clan as of now. Hopefully someday I can remember more, however. For as long as I’ve been aware of my otherness, I feel like this is a very large amount to remember and am thankful for that.
Broken and torn by
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