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  1. Hello everyone! (*・ω・)ノ I've had a lot on my mind as of late. As you may have seen me mention in a few places, I'm questioning a kithtype. Now, I've already been considering the possibility of me being kith with dogs for quite a while. It's been in the back of my mind though, and it can be expected that it will continue to be for a while. This is because of a sudden new development: I'm now giving great amounts of thought to a possible fictional kithtype.


    I feel like I've mentioned this a ton already as of late but what can I say, I've found it hard to even stop thinking about it so it's sure to leak out sometimes. The purpose of this post, though, is largely to go more in-depth as to my thoughts about this and maybe organize them all a bit more as well. They've been quite the tangled up mess in my mind as of late and I find it hard to focus, or even sleep for that matter. And since I'm sure you're all wondering, to be quite honest I'm just not sure I feel too comfortable revealing who my new kithtype is yet. (Though I think someone could figure it out of they dug deep enough and put enough pieces together but I doubt anyone cares that much.) This is for a few reasons.


    First of all, I can't help but feel like people might not even believe me. As there are to many, there are different sides to me, though I  show one more then the other. You've seen my blog, my profile, my signature... You probably know what I'm talking about. It's all very "soft". This character though, connects deeply with the parts of me that are...Very much less so. I also can't help but wonder what people's reaction would be to the character themself. Many in my kithtype's source (would that be the proper term?) operate in a sort of grey area, and can't be described as "good" or "bad" in there entirety. However, I've seen some say that he's the closest thing to a "bad guy" as any of the characters get. And admittedly, his actions are more then a bit questionable at times. I never saw him this way though. Once one learns about the context of his situation and what exactly it is he strives for, they would realize that if he had succeeded he not only would have achieved greatness, but perhaps even brought all of humanity up with him. I think in his eyes the ends justified the means, and his intentions were far from evil despite having committed some atrocities along the way.


    Despite all of this though, there's a lot of aspects of myself that I see in him. (I'll be being a bit more vague here as to not give out too much.) For example there are a few certain things I find myself quite fixated on, one of which appears very often in my artwork, and another that I actually will likely make a career out of someday. It just so happens that he shares that same fascination. There are also things I have many, many questions about, though sadly in this world I have no way of finding the answers. Not only did he often muse over the same concepts, but actually had a way to seek closure on them. These are just a few of the many things that we share and deeply connect on. Though...there are also many things that we don't share. Things I've enjoyed and ways I've acted that he doesn't seem to reflect, things he's done that I likely wouldn't, etc. While I feel we share parts of ourselves, I don't feel that we share all of ourselves with each other, so I wouldn't go so far as to call it a kintype. But nonetheless there are many things I feel that we're connected on, and I've felt this way even before I considered that it could actually be a kithtype.


    I hadn't even considered it until one sleepless night about a week ago. Or perhaps sleepless morning would be more accurate. I hadn't slept a wink, it was already sunrise and birds were beginning to chirp. I'm not really sure what compelled me, but my sleep-deprived brain decided it was a good idea to go to YouTube and fall down a wild rabbit hole of videos related to my (potential) kithtype and his source. There's this one particular video that consists of every known sample of his dialogue in every language that it was dubbed in, including even some unused dialogue. So there I was, sleep-deprived, curled up in bed, the pale blue light of morning streaming in through the window as I listened to them, when suddenly...


    He said it.


    One of those pieces of unused dialogue hit me like a train. Because of the wording of it, out of context it could almost be taken as kin-related. Not only that but somehow in that moment it felt as though he was speaking directly too me. Everything suddenly clicked into place. Is that what these feelings have been? Is there something too all of this? It was an... eye opening experience, to say the least.


    And thus this whole journey began. Since then more and more things regarding it have popped into my mind. One thing I find myself pondering a fair bit is "how exactly did this happen?" Is this all in my head and purely psychological? Is something cosmic afoot, as I've speculated in this post? (Maybe read that, it will make everything I'm about to say here make a lot more sense.) But if that were the case, things would still have to be different then how I view the universe in relation to my identity as a cat, simply because I don't identify as this character at all, merely with. My previous speculation regarding my feline self was that there may be another version of myself in a parallel universe in which I exist as a cat, but assuming the universe of this fictional work exists as well, I don't feel as though I exist as him. Could it be that we simply have or some form of cosmic connection I have yet to understand? (Or maybe had, he's... actually dead in cannon.) Or perhaps I do in fact exist as someone in that world, perhaps even someone that knew and was close to him, but i'm not a known character? (Wait, if that's the case, am I dead too? ...I don't know how I feel about that thought.) Who can say. Even if the latter is the case, though, because I don't really feel like one of them now, I'm hesitant to call something like that a kintype. Perhaps there is another self of mine that belongs there, but I don't think the version of me sitting here writing this also belongs there.


    So.... yeah. I think that's about it for the moment but I'm not really sure how to end this one. My brain is fried from lack of sleep and from thinking about this for so long. Am I over-complicating this or thinking about it too much? When it came to my therian identity I knew I was a cat before I even knew I was a therian, so the whole questioning thing is pretty new to me and I'm not really sure how much is normal. Either way, I'm feeling increasingly sure about this, so I think I'm close to kinfirming (Or would it be kithfirming?) this, so maybe soon I'll finally shut up about it and stop bugging you with it so much. ... Yeah. I guess that's about it. Sorry if this was rambly and incoherent at times. If you have any thoughts on this you feel might be useful to me, feel free to let me know in the comments. 


  2. Ib told me he could rewire my reactions to the morning sun warm up. We played with that a bit this morning. He said that I was viewing it as my enemy, so I was fighting it, and so it hurt. I told him it hurt, therefore I fought it. Ra started it, not me. I also realized that the insanity I felt during that time years ago was a symptom of existing in two places at once. If I lost focus on my daily tasks for even a moment I felt dislocated and strange. That was as bad as or worse than the sun's heat. 

    This morning he told me to relax, to stop fighting. I had an image of myself kneeling with my fist across my heart. He told me to think of the energy as my nourishment. Pain turned to ecstacy. It was still too intense, too much. Once again I felt worn out before even getting out of bed. I'm not entirely convinced that it was an improvement. 

    Statues and temples are supposed to transfer energy between one realm and the next. I suppose a statue doesn't feel. Put a human in that role, and ouch. Then I also wonder how many active images there are and if I'm carrying more than the usual share. I have used the term "living statue" before, and this is exactly what makes me think of it. Shesep also means "to receive." Versatile name, that. Morning sunlight, and statue/image, and the receiving of it. I wonder if the Nisut realized just how well that name fit when she gave it to me.

    Right, the part I didn't write about. They had me tranced out for a good three hours on Sunday while they tried to get Ib cleaned up. I heard them, Aset and Djehuty, say that I didn't realize how bad it was, implying that his sickness would drag me under if they didn't do something. At first I thought that meant they would take him away and I yelled at them about that, or as well as I could in my numbed state. Then I could feel him again, but he was much diminished. I demanded that they return him his strength, we needed that. Two things returned, his rage and his fear. It sounds strange but we need those. That is what has kept us alive all this time. I'm not giving those up. I would never ask him to give those up. Without it he just felt flat. That was not part of his sickness, it was part of his strength. I worried over what else they may have taken away, but we both felt much lighter afterward. 

  3. Hello everyone! Pearl here, writing a blog entry because I can! Now, I'm in a depressed mood so I figured I would write something more upbeat today, so yay! Here we are, in this blog post.

    Today I'll be writing about both the other "toons" and myself (but probably not since yall know me), perhaps. This will not be as long as the last one because there's only the four of us to my knowledge, but as all those about to be mentioned are my friends, or a little more than friends, so there's a little more than a chance I could go on a bit.  There may also be brief mentions of the uprising, Henry, or Joey, but only due to relevence of certain details. And with out further adu, lets get right into it.


    P1: The crew.

        Bendy- I am fully aware you're normally supposed to save the best for last but I really can't help myself. If any of you have been paying attention to anything I do ever, you're fully aware he and I are in a serious relationship. I cannot stress how much I love him and how much he means to me. But in truth, this isn't what this entry is for, but I do wish it was.       As of today, he serves as our joint leader, mentally seeming to be the oldest of us. That doesn't but him above pranks and mischief, however. He's certainly a trouble maker. (But I can't help but forgive him...). He's often quick to display anger or annoyance towards others, especially those he doesn't know, having a bit of a short temper. The exeptions to this are, well, me, and the children and guests back when the studio was open to the public. That being said, he has a few levels of anger, two of which involve him transforming compleatly, each form bigger and more destructive than the last. He's only ever done that back in the uprrising, however. It was probably the most badass thing I've ever seen, if I'm allowed to say~.   Bendy is also known to be a bit of a sarcastic ass. He means well, of course, but he definitly is. I find his jokes funny, of course, no matter how dark. And they do get dark. But despite all this, he's actually one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet, though he doesn't let everyone see that side of him. Weather he's comforting me from my frequent nightmares or simply helping with soup-opening, he really does go out of his way to take care of me, of which I am forever greatful. When I finally managed to reconnect with him, after all this time, he actually started crying. As of this day, I don't remember seeing him cry until then. I guess he misses me as much as I miss him, and I know now we can never truly be seperated, not forever. Long story short, he's the best thing that ever happened to me (even saved me from termination). But I feel like I'm going on to much. Short again, he's the leader (king if you will), protector, the asshole sherrif, and my lover. Not relevent but he's also... really freaking tall. Like, 6' 3". I only come up to his chest, I have no idea why. 


    Boris- Ah, yes. The fluffy boy. Boris is an anthro wolf and appears to have the youngest mind out of us all. As opposed to his appearence in the game, he actually looks more wolf like, with pointy ears, paws, a big fluffy tail, you get it. He doesn't talk. He can, he just doesn't. No one ever minded it though, he's still very kind. Though he has trouble due to being to trusting sometimes, something that stopped after the experiments. Nowadays, he's become quite skiddish and only trusts us. He startles easy and doesn't like going places alone. Despite this, he's as gentle as ever, and still enjoys doing things that he used to, be it playing with toys, cooking (he's amazing at it by the way), playing his banjo and clarinet, and just giving hugs. If you're ever sad and you need a hug, he's who you'd go to back then. Also a great listener, if you needed to talk he'd sit there and listen, pay attention, and nod. He seemed to just want to help and cheer up others and be friends. Deep down, he still does, despite the betrayed trust. I know such things are hard to get over. Poor wolfie. If you get to know him, you won't regret it. I would reccomend him for friendship. There's not as much to say here due to him being so quiet, so theres not much to gauge as of what he'd talk about. I have a feeling it all would be very sweet and encouraging, knowing him. 


    Alice- aka my angel sister. I feel rather guilty because in this world I have to pretend to be hostile towards her in order to avoid suspicion. Alice is basically your typical girl, if that makes sense. Sassy, does her hair and make up, dresses fancy, you get it. She's not uptight to say, but she's definetly less rowdy and doesn't like to get dirty. She will if she has to but she will definitly complain. She acts like my sister in all honesty, but I don't mind. I do sometimes mind when she'd randomly decide to do my hair and whatnot. I remember when she put me in a dress, and then sent me back downstairs. It had turned out she had set up a dance for Bendy and I. It was sweet but I was very confused. She's always been prone to give out life tips, and seems keen on doing her best to tip everyone off as such. Always a people pleaser, she often will do what is asked, though she does indeed have a limit. I'd highly advise not to push her too far, because of boy will you regret it. Often she'll try to be the voice of reason and calm any shenanigens, though that's difficult to calm. Alice also enjoys performing on stage, and just eats up any praise given. I love seeing her eyes light up when it's given, and it's as if her life goals were reached then and there each time. If you want advice or just good hair, you'll enjoy her company quite a bit.



    Well, so far thats a basic rundown on the others, though its not much as of now. Later I will do an entry on our basic biology and such for those who are interested. I do, in fact, feel better now after writing this! I'll have to remeber this for when I'm sad next. Thank you all for reading, and I'll see ya next time. Pearl, out.




  4. What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)


    Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?

    Psychological reasons

    When was your awakening (if you had one)?

    I believe I was 11 or 12, around that time.

    If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?

    Not that I'm aware of.

    If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?

    It was a sudden realization but the accompanying process of figuring stuff out too a bit

    If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?

    "Oh, that makes sense"

    Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?

    I can't really remember. I did have some vague oddness but that's about it.

    Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?

    I did not.

    If you didn't know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening, how did you come across the community?

    Some furries

    Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?


    If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?

    I questioned a ton and did my research.

    Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?

    Yep. Wolves & other canines - due to similarity. Feline - due to cameo shifts caused by near constant exposure to cats for years as well as some similarity between coyotes & cats, especially in the realms of defense displays.

    Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

    Contherian - N/A

    Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    Contherian - N/A

    Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

    Contherian - N/A

    Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    Contherian - N/A

    Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?

    I don't think dreams are really "shifts" so I'm lenient about whether I can dream of being a coyote independent of being human. I'm a physical coyote in my dreams only in times of denial and those dreams tend to involve an element of danger brought on by things such as physically becoming a coyote in a situation where it would be inconvenient and I could be killed. 

    Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.

    Cameo shifts, as mentioned a few questions back.

    What experiences and feelings led you to identify as your kintype rather than with it?

    Oh, this is a difficult one. I get a sense of "other coyotes" and "my kind" when I look at or think of or hear or read about coyotes. Overwhelming sense of "this is what I am". Feels like looking at myself in mirrors, too. Reading about behavior & the vocalizations feels like I'm reading about myself. Reading or hearing negative things about coyotes feels as if I am a threatened target. If things said or read about coyotes are positive, I feel proud of myself.

    If I deny & suppress myself, it feels so wrong and bleeds out anyway in a vague way such as the dreams I mentioned. There's a sense of rightness and calm in such experiences once I accept that I am a coyote.

    To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?

    There isn't really a visual element, I simply don't feel entirely human and coyote matches up to the things I don't feel fully human because of. I do identify as human as well as coyote. I wouldn't be a coyoman if I didn't also identify as human to an extent. I'd be a shell without either part and not identifying as human to some extent would render me not able to function at all. However, the human parts of my identity feel superficial in comparison. Like I'm just an observer and an actor rather than a true member of the human species.

    What led you to believe that your identity is spiritual or psychological in nature? Have you ever believed the other was true, or seriously considered that it may be?

    How comfortable I am with psychological explanations as opposed to spiritual explanations. I did think I was reincarnation based for a time but it felt off.

    Do you have any past life memories (if your beliefs are spiritual) or artificial memories/flashbacks (if your beliefs are psychological)? If so, describe them.

    No. Being a coyote is a very present, in-this-life thing.

    Do you ever feel homesick for the location your kintype lives/lived in? If so, how do you deal with those feelings?

    Not really. Anywhere can feel like home to me. We coyotes are good at making anywhere home.

    Are there any locations that make you feel closer to your kintype? Any locations that make you feel disconnected from it?

    I've never been to the desert but what I've seen of the Mojave in pictures & documentaries feels about right.

    Do you experience species dysphoria? If so, how often? To what extent? Do you have any methods of coping with it?

    Somewhat. I notice it more when I think too much on my body & what I'd be experiencing if I were a physical coyote right now. My methods include not thinking too deeply about either of those things.

    Do you have any behaviours or quirks that you attribute to your kintype?

    I do. From the desire to snatch up lizards and rodents and bugs in my jaws to the desires to roll on things that stink and to take meat from carcasses...there's a lot of things.

    Do you have any nonstandard thought processes or instinctual reactions that you attribute to your kintype?

    That's difficult to put into words. I tend to think more in emotion & images & senses, if that's what you mean? I feel more of a parental drive towards coyote pups as opposed to human babies. I experience motion reactivity often and have to restrain myself from chasing down fast moving objects. There's also that howling back to sirens & other drawn out, higher pitched sounds. I appreciate scents that most people gag at and even sometimes have urges to roll on the source to get the scent on me.

    Do you have any personality traits that you attribute to your kintype?

    Not really

    Do you have any nonstandard beliefs, ethics or morals that you attribute to your kintype?

    Coyotes are motivated by survival as most animals are and that's ambiguous due to being found in many animals, including humans. I'm gonna say "no" to this one.

    Why do you believe the above behaviours/traits/etc. are related to your kintype?

    They match up to what I've read about and humans have had those things bred out of them due to domestication. I can't find any literature mentioning the things I experience even in regards to human ancestors. I've read about humans a lot too and anthropology is fascinating.

    Do you feel that having a nonhuman identity has been a positive, negative or neutral experience? Have you ever tried to deny your nonhuman identity?

    Neutral. I have tried to deny it and it didn't work

    Do you ever wish you could change your kintype? If so, what would you rather be?


    Do you think this is enough questions for now? I sure hope so!

    Definitely enough questions, I don't have the patience for more.

  5. I'm an aspiring novelist, and I figure it would be best to start with a YA novel. If I can get popular with a YA novel, I could make a lot more money, and write much more steadily.


    I wanna feel human again.

    I don’t want this power anymore. The pain is too much now. I can barely remember what it was like to be normal anymore.


    Normal. Only a short time ago I hated being normal. I hated the boring life I had been living, and now I would give so much to go back to that life.

    I’m so different than I was back then, only a month ago, and yet now I’m living a different life completely.


    I can hear the fighting around me, but it sounds so distant now. Fading as if someone was turning down the volume. I could barely breath, and the dark was beginning to creep in around the edges of my vision.


    It feels cold. I haven’t felt cold in so long. It feels… frightening.


    I’m scared. I can hear Luca still fighting his voice is getting louder even though everything seems to be getting so quiet.

    “Adelaide! Hold on!” I felt Luca pull my jacket open. The fabric stuck to my shirt and felt heavy than they should have. I felt his hands press on my abdomen, around one of the arrows that were protruding from me. His skin was warm. Much warmer than I felt right now. I didn’t feel much right now, the pain had already begun to fade and be replaced by the cold. It felt like the concrete beneath me was stealing all my warmth.“Thaddeus, Lilian! Cover us, Adele’s wounded! Alden can’t hold off the rest of them by himself. Shit, she’s losing ichor fast!”

    “Get her to safety, Luca! Thaddeus and I will give you time to finish the incantations! Just hurry!”

    I could barely hear Lilian at this point, but I did hear Luca begin to incant his spells. His voice always sounded so unnerving when he was casting powerful spells. It sounded inhuman, too many voices at once, far too fast, almost electronic and it made the air feel charged like right before lightning struck.


    How could it have come to this? It was supposed to be simple. We get in, get the supplies and get out. It was supposed to be simple, and nothing would happen. We trusted her…


    I trusted her… My sight was almost completely dark now but I was able to see the petals begin to float through the air. I weakly reached up and tried to grab one only to find it was hot. So hot. My abdomen began to heat up as well as more petals floated through the air, like on the breeze in a movie. It was beautiful.


    It wouldn’t be that bad to die like this, would it? It was so beautiful. I could feel my body begin to rise. I heard Luca’s incantation falter for a second before it continued on, even more desperate, before suddenly his hands were no longer on me and I could no longer hear his voice. My confusion was interrupted by screaming. No one I knew, but it felt nice to hear them. I could feel the heat in the room rise, and I closed my eyes as the vines began to climb up the walls, glowing like lava.


    The roses were blooming as I was dying. The screams grew with the heat and I felt someone slide their hand down my arm, burning heat erupting where their fingers touched, yet silky soft.


    I felt time stop as the heat inside me became too much. I wanted to scream, but only one word made it from my lips.




    I opened my eyes and all I saw was fire.


    So exalted, like a dream. The flames licked at everything around me, writhing and curling at everything they could touch. My attackers were screaming, and trying to put out the flames that looked much like rose blooms, but their bodies made excellent fuel for the flames and my roses. They wouldn’t die yet, no, they hadn’t put on a show yet, my delightful jesters. My darling harlequins.


    I felt so glorious as my knights marched out of the flames behind me. Their burning armors adorned with my roses. The marched forward on each of my attackers, their magnificent swords alight as they plunged into the screaming bodies. Over and over again, the screams grew louder.


    My favorite knight kneeled before me, and took my hand, gently raising it to his lips, kissing it reverently.


    “My princess.” He said, his voice like the crackling of a bonfire. His lips were hot, blisteringly for any normal human. Thankfully I was no longer human. His skin was a warm tan, his hair and beard glowing red and black while his eyes shone with burning light.


    Normal was overrated after all.


    I am a god, and I will never give up this divine beauty.


    I danced with my knight as the screams of my jesters became our music.


    Being a god was so sublime.


    Thus introduces Adelaide, and a hint of her power as a Deus.

    The world is centered around a teen girl who discovers she's a being known as a Deus, essentially a divine being in mortal skin. But being a god isn't all fun and games, and power can change even the most normal teenage girl, and not always for the better.

    Any advice for improving would be appreciated. Also, if anyone notices any grammatical errors I didn't catch, I would super appreciative.

    Also, if anyone wants any questions, I'll be glad to answer them. 😄

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    Okay, so I've created this blog to keep some sort of journal of my self-discovering journey, but I think I've been far too obsessed with the matter in the first place, to the point of stagnation or at least, very limited progress. I've read many times that such an obsession doesn't typically bode well, and I knew this, but I'd like to distinguish between knowing and realizing. Knowing is to understand, recognize and recall information, realizing is to be enlightened of the fundamental truth of things. That is my personal interpretation at least.

    Life's been a bit difficult, as it usually is. I've always been able to keep my spirits up somehow, which I've always found to be a very strange aspect of mine given where I'm standing, but I'm well aware that change is a dire necessity regardless. I don't see the outside as much as I need to, my body severely inhibits my enjoyment and motivation when I do, sleep schedule hardly exists, tunnel visions and obsessed focus reign over my actions or lack thereof, and because of how all of this is interwoven it requires tremendous effort to better this situation on my own. A feat that I've attempted many times before, always ending with a sudden stop. This is what made self-discovery so extremely important to me. I've often read about people finding themselves, their "higher self" if you will, causing to reach a sort of deep enlightenment. They instinctively know what has to be done and these actions set into motion a series of events which will greatly benefit them.

    In light of my experiences today, writing this makes me realize how much my blind faith in such a concept bound me. I've always been a free spirit, finding rules and patterns burdening, always examining the appliance of another's advice with a highly skeptical eye, certain that I knew exactly what needs to be done. I'm looking at what I just wrote and at the end of the paragraph before, and I'm laughing. Who says that this has to be a continuously blissful experience? Who says that these things work a predefined way? I've read a few paragraphs and took them for gold, waited for the light at the end of the tunnel but maybe I've had this light within me during all this time, took it for granted.

    Anyway, recently I decided to pick up my cross again and walk the extra miles in an attempt to, once again, improve things for me. It includes a daily schedule, starting off with very few activities that I will do on designated days until they become a habit, then expanding on that schedule. Currently it involves exercise and doing art or reflective writing. I've finished my exercise a couple hours ago, I pushed myself to my very limit, and I've never felt so alive before. I've never felt so "me" before. All of these worries about self-discovery, they just dropped dead. I used to be worried of not being otherkin, not because of me not being "unique enough" but because of losing progress. That, too, simply vanished as if it never existed. It felt so primal, so natural, so good and powerful. All these shackles of who I'm supposed to be, all of what my environment has wrongly taught me to be right or wrong ceased to exist. I was absolutely unbound, eliminating the fraud that is my usual self with the purest essence of "I". Parts of the lyrics of some of the songs I listened to during exercise were so scarily apt. "Aren't you curious to see what kind of monster you've set free?"

    Perhaps this is the key. Perhaps I just need to live, embrace what lies ahead and abandon all these ideas, concepts, definitions and my faith in them, because whatever I just stared in the eyes just then defies all translation into language. Maybe I'm not meant to give it names and ponder its nature, and maybe this is a science of the heart, and the heart alone. That, or maybe I just released a lot of dopamine from intense exercise and my mind is trying to comprehend its effects, but why did this never happen before? What made this session so special? Does that even need an answer? How much can you question these things until you crumble under all the eventualities?

    Ah well, I think I'll wrap this up and leave it be for now. Thank you, and pleasant day/evening to whoever decided to give this a read.

  6. One of the parts of being The Celestial Draconian Queen, and a draconian as ancient as I am, is being a primal hunter. I was considered one of the greatest hunters of my time and world, because of my heightened senses and intricate abilities, however I focus more on the survival and respective aspect of hunting if anything rather than the thrill of it. My most important rule is respect the balance and the animal, as I wouldn’t have my food and substance if the animal didn’t make its sacrifice to me. I was a master of stealth and aerodynamic hunting, so hunting was relatively easy for someone like me, however, again, the respect for the sacrifice is much more important. I admire nature in all of its being, and I always am grateful and appreciate all the resources that she provides to all beings that reside on all worlds... 🐉🐉🐉

    I am still questioning the other aspects of my hunting abilities and mapping every area of my vast hunting territory. I’m going on a huge road trip up from South Texas to the Pacific Northwest as well, and I’m very excited to see all of the beautiful nature, eat all of the good foods, and feel the most amazing and harmonious balance in all of the natural world! ^.=.^ 🌳🍀🌳

  7. With a few tweaks and some time to actually finalize everything, I have decided to bring my zhuard self to life- Allen- even if at the slowest of gaits. A lot of patience is needed with these things. I will post it elsewhere but for now I figure why not here first..this is after all a personal project in a way. I don't often draw Allen, as I might have said in the past. Not for any real reason- there's a lot of others I haven't gotten around to but hopefully will soon. The expression of the walk feels correct- and not correct physiology wise, that's correct for a zhu- but correct as in resonating. It resonates with me. This is how I would walk and all it's specifics....though I admit, did play around with the tail flick (which zhuards at certain gaits do)..I might not have been that expressive haha. This is definitely an improvement on my art end as far as animation goes (I'm extremely new to it..). 

    Allen walk.gif

  8. Latest Entry

    This blog entry is just to document a notable experience that happened to me today. The title implies a new kind of shift, but I guess you could classify it under the "mental shift" umbrella. Only that in this case it's quite specific because of the circumstances of my kintype.

    As you know, my physical body is (despite my disappointment) currently human and not dragon, but I've decided to accept and embrace my feeling that my consciousness and spirit are draconic. I believe that my human brain can not hold the full extent of this consciousness, and hence that only part of it is here while the major part resides at another place sleeping - maybe somewhere in what is usually called "astral plane". Since last christmas I've had four experiences which felt like these two parts were more or less fully fusing - the first one was involuntary and happened indoor. The next two were also involuntary, short and happened in the free nature. They were accompanied by astral and mental shifts as well as an eerie feeling of the world being unreal, feeling to look at the world from the outside and vastly increased nature energy sensing. During the last days I finally realized that I could voluntarily sense nature around me in a empath-like fashion, just by opening myself up and listening to my feelings, much like deactivating a mental protection shield. I found the sensations unusually intense when compared to similar ones I had before christmas 2018.

    Today I took this one step further and removed more mental protections, sitting on the grass a few steps away from my house. As expected this resulted in the eerie feeling described above. Usually my body would freeze and I would stop breathing at that time, which would render me unable to keep this state for longer than a few seconds. But this time, knowing about what was happening, it would seem I somehow managed to mentally keep my "fused me" stable for a few minutes, and enabling it to control my body. This resulted in strange and surprising thoughts coming to my mind. First I got the feeling that what I see would be an illusion, I was not supposed to be here, my body was not mine and I didn't want to have this. It took me a few seconds to remember that this body was only meant for observation and this reality would be the world I protected. I was feeling like seeing the world through the eyes of an astral dragon who was confused to be physically here.

    I think I never got closer to feeling to be myself out in the nature before. However the experience leaves a bit of a strange impression because my outer consciusness seems to be more far away from this world than I expected. The excercise didn't really make me tired this time, so hopefully I may use this type of voluntary shift in the future to do introspection without a classical meditation setting.

  9. TW for child abuse (various), integration, trauma, and suicide. I know, a fun little set of tags there. I just wanted to talk about me and my journey, in case it might help another person.

    So, Hi, I'm Viktor and I'm the host of my system. But, in all honesty, I wasn't the original "core" personality, and I only found that out a few months ago.

    When I was younger, I went through quite severe mental, emotional, and physical trauma. I say "me," but in reality, the personality that went through that we call Joi-Joi. I was the first headmate to split, and when I did, Joi-Joi took that as a chance to bail- to go dormant and leave me the keys to the house. She took the traumatic memories and most of the childhood memories with her but left the emotional baggage they contained. So, my first few years of existing were filled with complete and utter rage, which I had no idea why I had. 

    I'm not sure if I am a rare case, because even when I discovered the rest of the system, I still had no idea that I was non-core headmate. I use "non-core" to separate the "first" headmate or the headmate that was most like who we were before we split vs the headmates who were not like the original personality. I split when the body was around 4-6 or so, so the sudden shift in personality could've been reasoned because I was growing up (and also the trauma, there was that). 

    So that's how I lived my life. That is, until January when I was dozing off in the headspace on a car ride home, and there she was. Joi-Joi, just standing in a black void. That was a... fun car ride home. I was created for the purpose of protecting her and the body. Created with the durability that no matter how much trauma I went through or how much shit was thrown my way, I wouldn't give up. I've tried to commit breath'nt twice in my life, but when it came down to it the voice in my head telling me "no" wasn't survival-instinct, it was the promise I made when I first began existing that said "I'll fight this battle because you couldn't anymore."

    I'm not sure what happened to Joi-Joi. I can't find her anymore in the headspace. She might have finally passed on into integration. I like to use the spiritual term "walk-in" or consciousness that takes over when the original doesn't want the body anymore. I guess it's nice to think that she went peacefully into the great spiritual beyond, being held by the Mother Goddess or some other bullshit crap. It's what she deserved, to be at peace finally. 

    A lot of that anger is still there. I think I might've started as an emotional fragment and evolved into who I am today. But it's hard and weird to think about. If she hadn't gone through her abuse, I wouldn't be here. I think I've said on here before that I went through two exorcisms between the ages of 4-6 (those years were when the religious abuse revved into gear), so I guess I was the demon that was summoned up but never banished. 

  10. About time I made another blog entry!

    Today I've found myself stuck in a bit of an art block. so when I sat down to work on stuff I ended up just doodling, then (as I sometimes do when I'm stuck in the inspired-but-blocked mood), I had a little look through my past drawings - all the things I've sketched but never done anything with, which I have a lot of.

    Art's a big part of my life. It's a hobby, but also a way to deal with and explore my emotions. And there's a pretty big difference between my vent art and normal art - stuff for venting is rough, messy, surreal, abstract and heavy on symbolism. It's nothing like anything I've ever shared on here. Honestly, I rarely share my vent art at all. Most of the time I don't even save it, but occasionally I'll make something that feels right and keep it for posterity. These images represent a very personal and true expression of what goes on inside my head - sometimes it's things related to my mental health, or life events, but I've used it to work through spiritual confusion and fear as well.

    It's a real shame all my blog posts from the old site have been purged. There was a lot in there from times where I was still figuring all this stuff out... and it was a very hard time for me, don't get me wrong. My mental health was much worse than it is now, and a lot of the things I experienced were a source of... genuine existential terror for me. Sounds dramatic, but... that's truly what it felt like. And that feeling hasn't exactly gone anywhere, but gradually I'm learning to frame it in ways that make it easier to work with, and not letting it rule my mind as much as it used to. It would've been nice to still have records from when I was working through this stuff. Don't think I would've felt right making backups anywhere though, so... eh.

    All that to say... my "relationship" with my spiritual self can get ugly sometimes. My interpretation of it has never been flattering. Even at the best of times, it's still a monster to me. 

    So there's times where I feel more in-tune with that side of me, and I have to work it out somehow, so I'll turn to art. And... the things I draw at those times, while confusing and sometimes a little scary, definitely feel most representative of what I truly am. And... I never view those representations as a negative. Might look like something out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, but it feels "right" to me - and that feeling is comforting. Even though I don't always enjoy being a spirit entity, I'm long past the point of trying to distance myself from that identity (it's... never went well, the times I did try to do that). I'd rather embrace it, with all the weirdness and confusion it entails.

    What I end up with are basically... objectively bizarre or, in their own ways, kinda horrifying representations of myself - that also, in an almost contradictory way, help me parse that side of myself in a way that makes me feel more understanding of it, and even more at peace with it. In the end, when I say I'm scary or that I'm a monster, I don't mean it to say that I don't like myself or that I'd ever want to change. It certainly doesn't mean I feel, on any level, malevolent or dangerous. I just know that, from a human perspective, the true way to represent my spiritual self would be as something surreal, alien and... yeah, really damn scary. Representing myself in that way feels right. That kind of self-expression is really important to me as a person. 

    Today, while I was trawling through my old art files, I found something that really struck a chord. I can't remember when I did it, so it must've been a while back. And... yeah, it's strange, but looking at a big black squiggly mess, I felt more like... "yeah, this is me" than I ever have towards any normal drawing I've tried to make to express this side of me. It feels a bit weird to share this art, since I don't usually show people this sorta thing, but... it feels important, so I want to share it somewhere. Where better than here? Specifically this is a representation of... kinda the line between my spiritual self, my current identity and my headmates (who are psychological, and hypothetically share the same "soul"/spiritual core as I have). 

    I dunno what people will make of this, or if anyone cares, but... yeah. Surreal, shitty symbolic vent art. Yep, it's really something.

    God, sharing this stuff feels like how I imagine it'd feel to hand someone my diary, if I kept a diary.

  11. Latest Entry


    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: male

    Species: catnine (catlike canine hybrid)

    Status: main sona (formerly), status to-be-determined


    Pronouns: he/him

    gender: malw

    species: lynx

    status: background/extra


    pronouns: he/him

    gender: male

    species: dog

    status: background/extra


    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: none

    species: Dutch angel dragon

    status: main


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    Shoutout and welcome back to K1-b0!

    He was absent for about three weeks, and I was concerned he had left the system completely, but today he reappeared. Him coming back was slow, gradual, and I doubted he would make it past his quiet co-conscious state, but to my pleasant surprise, he came closer and closer until he took front. I am so proud of K1-b0 for returning, for despite my skepticism of his mere existence while he was away and while we were co-con, he was able to regain confidence and present as himself shamelessly, and I was able to let him.

    Part of his confidence boost was thanks to our new friend, who we were concerned would not accept him, but thankfully did. While K1-b0 was co-con and I was openly inviting him to front, I warned our friend that K1-b0 was present with me, separate from me, and might front and want to be recognized. I stressed a bunch that they would not accept me or K1-b0 and recognize us as us and that it would send K1-b0 back into dormancy, but... Thankfully, the fear was unnecessary. This friend - who was already kin friendly - was kind enough recognize us as separate individuals and spoke to K1-b0 as his own individual when he did take front and announced himself to them.

    So, K1-b0 had a warm welcome to front. He was able to enjoy socializing with a new friend, and most of all he got to enjoy being himself. But aside from just being happy that he has returned, I am especially thankful for what he did in front. While in front, K1-b0 soon got up, full of motivation and energy, and took it upon himself to do chores. He started laundry, cleaned up the bedroom, and then fed the body a proper meal. Without him using his time, energy, and motivation in front to do these helpful things, I may not have done any of it. I very likely would have just had another depressed, unproductive day with more skipped meals. I was exhausted after he stepped out of front, but I was still moved enough by his efforts that I have continued his work, and I'm taking better care of myself and my surrounding, all thanks to K1-b0.

    So thank you, deeply, K1-b0, and welcome back. 

    - Pony

  12. Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not;  But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
     [resize output image]

    And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
    soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~ 

    I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3

  13. Latest Entry

    Otherkin Volg 3


    I had just realized I haven't done this in a while... But having parents that do not support me in almost anything, sucks....

    I try to be nice, I try to be a good child....  But I just suck....  if I were them, I would have sold me to a orphanage already.

    my parents found out about kinmunity....  it did not end well.  I do not like talking about it, unless its with someone privately...  But I will say, that I hate them.  They are stressful.. and a pain in the ass.  My mom took half of my room, and "cleaned" it then through away things that I did not want her too.  She didn't ask me if she could through somethings away.... but she did anyway.  She sucks the life out of me.   I help her with her anxiety, I do lots of things for her, but she still treats me like shit.

    I cannot wait to leave my house.  As soon as I am 17 I am out of there.

    Sorry... this post was more a vent then a volg entry...


    10:54 AM ~ 5/21/2019


  14. On 5/11/2019 at 4:54 AM, Fjordess said:

    I encourage you to check in and talk with Draculara about how she thinks of plurality, and how she thinks she's connected to you! Some headmates are very opinionated on the matter. 

    Just wanted to say thanks for this tip, @Fjordess! And out to you too @Addy! Both of ya'll are big help in this process, cause I literally didn't know anyone really read my blog lol.

    So back to the convo, now containing correct information from then two lovely friends in the comments of the last episode. I decided to have a little chat with Drac 2 days ago (note, this was before I saw the comment above) and you can see how that convo went in my status updates hehe.

    Once she wakes up (she tells me not to wake her till 6pm at the earliest 😂) I'll ask her about plurality. On another note though, I'm still confused a little on soulbounding. Idk, i'll ask Addy about it later.

    In other news though, Drac as been talking with someone new. She won't tell me who it is but she has been missing our nightly coffee shop chats for the person. I plan to find out who it is tonight. Wish me luck, Drac is very stubborn lol.

    I plan on rearranging my headspace. I'm thinking to change it into more of a forest theme. Right now it looks like a run down, abandoned, motel XD. Draculara is against it but I really don't care what she thinks sometimes. I've agreed to leave her school there, as thats where she hangs with her friends.

    That's a whole other side of thw world though, so i'll leave that to her to take care of. I am so not walking over 200 miles just to come visit her school. At least she can turn into a bat and fly!

    Well, I need to get ready for school now, cause I finished typing this as soon as I woke up. Byeeee

  15. After some back and forth today at work, I learned that Keith was having a pretty bad day, though he wasn't being vocal as to why. But I was certainly aware of the very "low" feeling he had and wasn't sure how to help him. It would do no good to pry because I know some people really don't like that. He seemed pretty content to handle the issue on his own, so I gave him his space and went back to work. A little while later I get the feeling that he wants to attempt to front. Perhaps the concentration will help break him out of this mood. Kind of an odd time to do it seeing as my job is very physical and I'd have to autopilot, but why not? 

    Aiko instructed him that, if he should front, to not think too deeply about what his body is doing or the autopilot won't work. This is true with me at least. Keith grumbles and says he can handle this himself, thank you. He's kinda grumpy like that sometimes, but he was able to front for a short time. 

    And that's when the fun began. He was definitely trying to think about what to do because he seems to hate autopiloting. He does everything deliberately and with purpose, so this is already going strangely. I have to tell him what to do and how to use my equipment because he will not let autopilot take over, so it slows me down. I'm not upset by this because I know I'll get my job done before I leave anyway - but it was pretty funny watching him awkwardly use electronics. I probably looked very silly to my coworkers. 

    Part of my job involves using these metal carts with two baskets called two-tiered carts. Neato. Well, the backs of the baskets, just like in most shopping carts, can be pushed inward. The top basket is jammed halfway in and out of where it should be, and you usually have to give it a good smack to break it out. It's old equipment, heh. Well, I can do this. Aiko can do this. Keith, however, was still trying to figure out the right amount of physical strength to use when doing this. I offered but he insisted he'd be fine and so I let him. I really should've paid attention. The first time he hit it, he didn't hit it hard enough and it didn't budge. So then he just hauls off and slams his (my) palm into it - MUCH harder than necessary - and it flips upward and NAILS me right in the face. I really should've realized this would end badly. More specifically, it hit me in the mouth and cut my lip. 

    I thought it was hilarious but it was pretty obvious this just ruined the rest of his morning and he became very sullen and retreated back into the headspace. I didn't bleed much and the cut was on the inside of my lip anyway. It didn't really hurt - and I wasn't bothered - but he definitely was. I gave up trying to reach him and Aiko told me not to worry about it because he just needed to get over it? I made sure he knew that everything would be fine and if he needed to talk I was always happy to listen. It was then I had a brief flash of ... I don't know how to put it. It was a pleasant feeling, like a kindly acknowledgment, and then it was gone. 


    He didn't begin speaking again until much later. I made beef stew for dinner for my husband and I learned that this is apparently his absolute favorite food. I didn't particularly like the smell of it, but he did. It was homemade (though I did loosely follow an existing recipe hah) but he was quite enamored with it.  He even told me that boy how he wished for a few minutes I ate meat, which was flattering but also weird. Still, I felt pretty bad as I don't eat animals, and he'd already had a really bad day, so I said screw it and grabbed another potato and carrot and started slicing up some more vegetables for a vegan version of that stew. I wasn't sure HOW I was going to do it, but damn it I was going to make SOMETHING like a vegan beef stew. This resulted in a few more dishes, but some spices later and I had managed to get a pretty nice flavor profile. Can't use Worcestershire sauce since that has anchovies, but I looked at the other ingredients and noticed "Oh there's some vinegar in this". So I tried mustard instead. It...actually worked? In a last attempt to replicate a beef texture I tore up some baked tofu I had in the fridge and let it simmer in the pot with the stew for a bit.  

    And you know what? IT ACTUALLY CAME OUT PRETTY GOOD. I normally make a basic stew at home with potatoes, celery, carrots, onions, and garlic with spices. With this profile, it was pretty damn close to beefless beef stew. To my surprise, he even liked it. That said, he did tell me not to sell myself short (to which I replied this is impossible as I am always short). It feels SO awkward having any kind of compliment from the inside, even if it's not from me, but he seems to be a bit better now, so I'm happy for that at least. 

    Soulbonding is hard. I'm suddenly having to make decisions for three people. How do we dress? What color should the hair be? Should we change up the daily schedule? Keith likes exercising, so I need to pick that up. I don't feel burdened at all, but it's just so much to take in. I can't exactly indulge Aiko's hobbies as I'm sure plenty of them would land me in jail, but she's okay with that. Heh. 



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    Latest Entry


    Elvenportal has a good list, but quite a few of the links are broken, so I've gone through and picked out ones that aren't! These are Sites that I found useful/informative. Please feel free to comment with sites you would like to see up here!



    Silver Elves - A good starting resource! A group of Elves who help other elves find their place!

    Elvin Portal- A lot of good resources involving Elfin exploration! - Another good site for finding yourself/finding answers! - More info about Elfinkin - A non-Tolkien Elven language! 

    Catharism - A potential 12th-14th century Elfin group in France!

    The Cathars/Catharism (2) - Hybrid DNA 

    Elfin Awakening - Elfin Blog with good information

    Lostkin - Otherkin Memory Recollection

    Eristic - Big resource, lots of resources to other sites too.

    The Fair Folk - An Essay/Chapter about Elfin kind

    Otherkin Resources - A sort-of mini-hub for resources of Otherkin.

    Otherkin Fandom Wiki - FANDOM wiki site of Otherkin!

    Elfkind Digest - A sort-of magazine/digest providing more info on Elfin'kin and Otherkin!

    Tolkien High Elves - A discussion about Finnish centric games.


    Wanya yassen i'taure e' seere, (Depart with the forest peacefully),


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    Hello again, fellow therians and kin!

    I have some exciting news!

    I have been working on a project of mine quite frequently.

    I am extremely excited to announce this!

    Anyway, let me get to the point!

    I have started a therian group in my province, which also has a website designed by myself!

    Here's the link if anyone wants to check it out!

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    The system is all characters i created (ocs)

    Host is me ( ref :

    Here we go

    76b4a8ad6d449d7.thumb.png.d1de4032f73ef9bc176698c00b61d199.png H the Dragon (art by someone on pixilart,not saying names for privacy reasons) 

    Species: Dragon (duhhh)

    Gender: Non bi

    Sexuality: Unknown

    Age: 14

    A friend dragon that loves male pronouns but he prefers "their" "them" "they",He is always questioning life and his identity.He is a tulpa created in 2019

    c5b1590a36ed785.thumb.png.93cb82271568605e7ce23ff2a998f181.png Clicker the amazon dragon

    Species: Amazon dragon

    Gender: Female

    Sexaulity: Bisexual

    Age: 18 (200 in dragon years)


    A kind heart and loving dragon,clicker helps her host when shes depressed or when she has  a anxiety attack.she is playful but can be very annoying at times.She was created in 2018


  16. I've started questioning what type of lynx I actually am.

    At first, I was thinking Eurasian lynx, but I think I might be another type of lynx as I remember having a darker pelt. 

    Now I think I've broadened the possibilities a little more for my lynx type.

    Now I'm leaning toward Iberian lynx, but also bobcat. 

    Can anyone help me?

    Please comment if you can!

  17. People might remember the previous two entries regarding this stuff. This creature was really confusing to the point I didnt know what to do besides exploring different angles and see what would make the most sense. I have in my absence here continued that avenue to discover a really interesting twist in the story what would make the most sense. As far for the other angles, I did the cameoshift angle but as with the Dunklesoteus there was more to the story then just that. In the most sense I guess that it was something familiar that was part of me that only with time would come out as the Dunkleosteus did. The other angle was past life but that also didnt really stick in the sense I didnt had some memories of it, if there was any then I couldnt really make a connection to that case unlike the Dunkleosteus who showed very possible memories of behavior what would make sense in some form as the top predator, In other words I had nothing to go of that would point to the same thing and in turn would point to possible Earthly kintype that wasnt from the Godec. The last angle had to do with the Godec or my shapeshifting kintype since it didnt feel right to abandon it right away. It had also forms that shared elements with exctinct Earthly creatures so it was something that had to remain open too. I have tried to explore more but it seems I cannot get more then what I currently know but maybe time will slowly reveal more but I think I have found at least the possible truth.

    Of all the angles that I pursuit it did point more strongly towards the Godec kintype being responisble. As time went on it started to reveal more features what I didnt know at the time. It has some element of the Rauisuchus in the sense it's tail and hind legs share features with it. The front part proved to be similiar in build to that of a bull. The front consistet of front legs that are hooved, shoulders were also similiar build and the horns were also similiar to that of a bull. The suprising thing was the head that was more of a mix between that of a dragon and a bull. Putting it together had been quite a puzzle but in general terms I can describe it the best as some sort of Rauisuchus/bull mix though I dont believe it is neccersary like the other forms. It looks to different. I tried to wreck all my experiences for a possible answer and this creature seems to be a true form from my Godec life. I dont neccersary have all the answer towards how it does fit in perfectly but comparing it to the other forms who really look more Earthly with alien form it just doesnt look the same. I have uncovered some possible memories that point more towards a true Godec form that hasnt changed at all through time unlike the other forms. I never really expected to uncover this angle at all. As far I could expect it was something that is more like the lion form that I posted in a earlier blog what is a look upon one of my most experienced form. I tried to think maybe somehow my only known true form from those days, my dragon form, was somehow partially responsible and somehow it got mixed up in all of this thus making it a false lead to further continue but no. Despite sharing elements with the Rauisuchus, it is not really some earthly like form that has alien elements. The one thing that made it different from the dragon is the fact the dragon hind legs are clearly 3 toed. The hindlegs of this creature has clearly 4 toes but lacks the 5th toe what is present in the Rauisuchus but the legs and whole behind and tail is siniliar build as the Rauisuchus. 

    Despite all the confusion and how hard it is to exactly picture it fully, I feel I begin to slowly learn more about this creature. It seems more and more positive it is connected to the Godec life I used to have. I still am trying to search for more evidence and answers surrounding this creature but feel I have at least a good basis to say it is a form of my shapeshifing form. I always felt there was something missing in the sense of I didnt have all the forms yet. This creature feels to fill the last gap I need to know for certain how many forms I have. Aside the ones I already know I have this seems to be the last true form what would make the Godec kintype in some sense complete. I guess I just didnt know what to look for at all and just kept those things to myself since I had no real experiences to back up so brushed it off as maybe I do have all the asnwers I need regarding my forms but it now feels like I have my complete forms back though most have changed. There are still many unanswered questions left but now I have a complete view of the many forms, I have a solid basis to build more and try to get a best possible view of how that past life used to be with the little memories I have left. It wont bring me to the full picture but it will bring me closer to the time periods that I can fill to get some sense of who i used to be and how I lived truely and how these forms fit in the whole thing.

    I will be honest and say that I didnt expect the creature to be a true form from the Godec days. But as I know before, there comes a time that I need to follow with what I feel is the truth and it feels right. Cramming it tp nothing more as the other forms doesnt feel right. Approaching it as a form that is from those days feels right. So why did the Rauisuchus trigger this whole thing? Well despite not exactly looking like this animal, I feel that seeing some familiar things back in this animal form seems to be more of the trigger as it looks very similiar. That is also what happened with my snake form. I became aware of this form when I learned about the Basilisk. In some ways it felt like looking into a mirror that wasnt complete yet. The missing part was from the bull elements. Combining those animals together what results in a unlikely hybrid just makes more sense when it is approached as a draconic like bull creature then a hybrid between those 2 animals with alien elements. I still have many questions left that surrounds this creature but only time will tell wether some or all will be answered or not. Some memories that I already know seem to become more clearer now I am aware of this form. I dont know where this path will lead me yet but I am ready to welcome the missing form that I unknowingly have searched for so many times. 

    I have plans to make a another commission from a another form and this one seems to be the next perfect candidate for it to put it in art to show a truely fascinating creature.

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    Recent Entries

    Since I'm starting this blog near the end of my current semester, I figured a recap post was called for. 

    This is my first semester at college. Due to some complications I'll cover in a different post, I wasn't able to start college the semester right after graduation—which is why my first semester is in the spring. I started off by taking four classes: English, engineering, trigonometry, and public speaking. I ended up dropping the trig class because the grading policies were kinda sketch, so it's down to three. I'm doing well in public speaking and engineering, but my grade in English is struggling since that and math seem to be what my learning disabilities affect the most. 

    I've had times where I flourished and times where I struggled throughout grade school, but my last two years of high school were very rough, which were what eventually lead to my diagnoses in my senior year. Having gone through almost the entirety of grade school undiagnosed really messed up my sense of self-esteem and self-worth—but again, that's a topic I'll discuss deeper another time

    I'm hoping to update this blog with my progress and important notes at least once a week, and given I'll be taking my second English class (if I pass the first) and retaking trig this summer, that shouldn't be a problem 😊

    I look forward to sharing my journey with you all, and feel free to comment with any questions below 😸

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    Recent Entries

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    Integrated/Dormant System Members

    Flora, Snow

  18. I'm floating in the wind towards the light that is beckoning me, the veil has been peeled back and I see reality for what it really is, I'm going to the land I was promised. Promised but also chosen to go to, forced to, transformed without my consent to a willing inhabitant of this land. Is it weird how they can do that? Make you consent to something? Oh there's another layer of the veil to pull off, how did I not see that? I swear this time is reality. Not only is my body not my own, it's its own person, that knows everything I know and I wear like a skin because that's what I'm in, it's my kin, that I'm in? Two of me. Unless only one is the me and the other is another? I'm in my land now where I belong and traveling endlessly I am going to become it that is why I am here. Yes, I will merge with it! I was meant to do this...that's why my body doesn't feel like me because it isn't! I am this land and was misplaced into that other place and I have to crawl out to become myself

    Thank you, I am here, I am where I was supposed to be, I am in the wind

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