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  1. As most know, I'm a transgender man. I didn't choose to be a transgender man. Something went wrong, some wires got crossed, and here I am, a male soul in a biologically female body. It's no different than the carpal tunnel that numbs my hands or the autism that affects my brain. My body doesn't match my mind, and I cannot change my mind. My mind is hardwired male, thus I must change my body. Like I take anxiety pills to treat my autism, I take hormone therapy to make my body right with my mind. Like I will have surgery to fix my hands, so too will the scalpel bridge the gap between my mind and my genitalia.

    I think a lot of people in power forget that, first and foremost, a person is a soul. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Those who still find it necessary to discriminate and hold prejudice against transgender people are spewing unnecessary negativity at fellow souls without a second thought that they are, indeed, fellow souls. 

    It seems to be a common problem in societies in general. Folks like to forget that the person standing in front of them is just as much of a person as they are. The internet is a prime example. Behind every username is a soul, and it's important to remember that (yeah, yeah, I know there are bots, blah blah blah-- not the point.) Even in the Otherkin community, the "grumpy, cynical, sarcastic, harsh, old-school otherkin adult" is a stereotype that is pretty well backed up by a lot of the older members of the community. 

    The thing is-- what good do any of the above examples put forth? Do those kinds of attitudes towards others make any community a better place? 

    Why is good seen as a bad character attribute? Since when did social justice become a bad thing? Why NOT hold hands and sing Kumbaya? I challenge anyone reading this to do something good. Forget about politics, wars, presidents, and news media. Show kindness to a soul. That's how the world's going to be a better place-- not with guns, or conspiracy theories, or fear mongering, but with the power of light and good. 

    Ya see, light and good are very strong things. They're far stronger than any darkness. The problem with darkness is that it's grown too numerous. It's like a darkness ant colony versus a bright light-spider. The spider is mighty, and can devour the ants tenfold, but the ants just keep coming. We need more light-spiders in the world. I challenge all y'all to be light-spiders instead of darkness-ants. Instead of thinking that the opposite political party of your affiliation is going to doom the world, why not shake the hand of someone who stands for opposite beliefs? 

    Believe in good. It really can work.

  2. Meditation “Challenge”

    Sense I am terrible at remembering to meditate I am going to turn it into a challenge. I will try to do at least one session every day for the next three days and see what I can discover. Each session must be at least twenty minutes long and have to do with Kintype discovery or Spirit work. Oh boy here we a go:

     

    Day One- 7/26/17

    The session starts as K, R, and I go off to our astral space. K had her heart set on picking some berries found in my astral space. K and R started to chat about the berries as I joined in on picking them. My form changes to that of my Dontarian self, than my nails grow black and long. I put down my basket calmly and take a few steps back as I turn into a Werewolf, I was first like a regular wolf except larger, than took the form of the anthro-classic werewolf, and then back to the former. I let my form change fluidly, not trying to control it, as it settles on the anthro-class were.

    After that I change back into my Dontarian as K looks at me and goes “You really want to do some Kintype work, huh?” I nodded but went back to my basket to find it already full of berries. She nods for me to go off and continue my self-evaluation.

    I sit down on the decline of the hill I am on, trying to keep my body relaxed as I lay down with my head going down the hill. I think my intent, wanting to learn more about me, and I start to roll down the hill. I don’t try to stop myself but instead let myself roll and roll all the way down the hill.

    When I stopped I was at the base of a mountain. Black vines with blue thorns decorate an entrance that looks like a cave yet with the look of temple ruins. I look behind me to see myself falling down the hill, and in front of me to see me walking in, each one of me falling and walking in did it in a different manner: scared, overly excited, and in astral Kintype forms. I started to walk in normally as Anakin, my power animal, took form at my side.

    He lead me into a chamber with a blue crystal floating and glowing on top of a pedestal. He explained that the crystal is my soul and by touching it I can gain access to my higher self. I quickly touched it and found myself falling through the starts and into a white mass of light at the bottom.

    When my eyes adjust I see a person dancing. They wear white clothes , like the one’s the Queen’s servants in Black Butler wear, and around their neck a green snake. I knew who they were, I like to call them The Dancer. They are a sort of higher persona of mine I guess, I honestly am not sure. I watch them dance before asking them to help me in my discovery process. They reach out and touch my hand and I disappear again.

    The white slides away like a sliding door as I look out onto a white corridor. I walk down to the first and only opening to see a man there. He has white wings and what appeared to be a cooking apron on. He introduced himself as Red, and said he will be helping me.

    He lead me to a room split into three sections, each with a class casing and Kintype I am questioning. The first has the werewolf inside and he said to “Try it on.” So I tried change myself into the Werewolf. And it worked, only I was just a wolf with deep brown fur and various lighter patterns, not an anthro-were or the size of the one I was before. When I asked if I was just a wolf he looked at me, shrugged, and said “Maybe,” with a smile.

    The next room held an osprey in the container. As I tried to change into the osprey I was rejected from it, and again a second time, before I was able to finally able to in the third try.

    This is when my dogs decided to go crazy and I was jolted awake. However I did have the weirdest phantom shift where my fingers were bird’s talons and my legs were the tail feathers, and somewhere around my shoulder’s the wings grew out.

    When I asked why it was rejecting me he said, “You are avian, but are you sure you are osprey? Try another bird.” My mind went first to the Barn Owl. I was given a vision of me in an autumn forest, perched on a birch tree next to its twin tree. Below us was a stone structure in the shape of a den where a dark brown wolf walked into. It was quick but I knew I was a Barn Owl.

    The last room held an Irish Elk. When I turned into it I wasn’t in control of my body as I exited the white room and walked on water in the stars that I initially fell. The form changed, though, into that of a moose instead. And I was given quick visions of me running and eating in pastures.

    After that I met Red one last time and said my thanks and goodbyes. Then I woke up.

     

     

    End research notes:

    ·         Started my research into Barn Owls and I remembered a Winged Avian I thought was a Kintype who had Barn Owl wings. Possibly me getting my Dontarian and possible Barn Owl Kintypes confused.

    ·         The Wolf resembles that of a Mackenzie Valley, Timber, and Iberian Wolf.

    ·         I did some research into Moose. This was my train of research into types of Moose: Libralces, Megaloceros, Megaloceros giganteus aka the Irish Elk. Full circle.

     

  3. I'm so stressed and tired.

    mostly healthy gf somehow expects my psychotic ass to make 3+ big phonecalls in a day and either be in therapy or getting a job only 1.5 weeks after the crisis of leaving a job. Crisis mode takes at least a month to fully disipate, I'm broke, and who the hell is going to hire my sorry lookin' ass? Just because I wore makeup one day and can do laundry doesnt mean my shit is put together. :angrywolf:

    They keep running me around about my paycheck. Payroll dept. told me to call store. Store doesn't know shit. I'm overwhelmed and I have to give up for today or i KNOW im going to be in meltdown mode all week.

    I don't even want consolation pizza.

  4. Mirath
    Latest Entry

    If anyone was wondering, I personally won't be remaking Thoughtform Haven, as I've got enough going on in my life at this current moment.

    Also, as much as I like discussing the subject, I don't have any current headmates that I would classify as tulpas/daemons/soulbonds, so I'd be relying on my previous experiences alone. And Gareth's snarky comments.

    Anyone else is welcome to, by all means.

  5. BirdMonster
    Latest Entry

    I have been taking a long, unannounced break. Most of it had to do with the fact that I didn't know what to do or say any longer but also because I went to two camps recently. It gave me a lot of time to think about my identity and spirituality. I have grown embarrassed at things I have said because I jumped to conclusions so much.

    I've also found myself drawn greatly to Norse gods. I will go more into detail with another blog but I've found myself encountering Loki in both dreams and meditation. I wouldn't really call myself a pagan but I am exploring the possibility of runecasting.

    So, I've decided to start over (again). My mind has just been so overwhelmed and after my long break, I've become more mature. Here are some main qualities I'm starting off with.

    • I am a therianthrope.
    • I am singular; not polytherian. The horse kintype just didn't work at all.
    • I identify as an utahraptor.

    The new album will be starting soon...when I finally come up with a clever name.


  6. Part of me wants to keep bothering to think about whether or not my experiences with therianthropy are “real”, or if they’re wishful thinking. But the other part of me is tired of thinking through all that and leaning towards just accepting the experience as-is. Seeing as I can’t prove the subjective to be objectively real anyhow, I might as well just go about my business.

    I’ve also been thinking about how my experience of “canine-ness” is really just me experiencing what I think being a dog would be like. It’s an interesting thought, and something of an acknowledgement of being human. It doesn’t really make me feel any less canine. It does, however, make me feel a little more comfortable with identifying as a therian because I’m not super comfortable with the way some people tend to exclude the human part of therianthropy from discussions about the topic.
    I’m not literally a dog, so that makes this whole “identifying as a dog” business abstract in the first place. Obviously, if it was concrete, I’d be an actual dog. Instead, I’m a dog therian, or a dog-person if I want to sound less weird. I relate very strongly to canines, and consider canine-ness to be a core part of my personality.

    But, as a person, what I consider canine-ness doesn’t fully line up with what it’s actually like to be a dog. It does line up a bit with the actual animal, but it’s also tied to what dogs stand for in human culture. Loyalty, friendship, protection, and I’m going to go out on an edgelord limb here and say… senseless violence. I’ll get to the senseless violence bit, but I should probably talk about what I consider canine first.

    Being canine, to me, is the urge to howl, bark, chase small animals, and dig or roll in any manner of things. A collection of weird urges that I generally don’t act on. It’s also the image I have of myself in my mind. I know I’m human, and I know what I look like, but I also keep an image of myself as a dog in the back of my mind.

    Dog symbolism factors into it a little too. I relate a lot to what dogs stand for in culture, or at least aspire to embody what dogs stand for. I try to be loyal to and protective of the people in my life. Although, sometimes I think I wind up as in the way and overbearing. I try to be dependable too, or at least consistent. I’ve also read something about dogs and helping others in the background while they take the spotlight, which I can relate to. I like behind-the-scenes kinds of work, and I’m uncomfortable with the idea of fortune and fame.

    Sometimes, canine-ness is also a feeling. A head-in-the-clouds sensation that I can’t find other words for. Nostalgia comes close, but it’s not connected to remembering anything. It’s not really a fondness either. A partial mental shift is the best way I can think to describe it, but that doesn’t explain anything to anyone who’s not a therian. I’m not even sure it explains anything to other therians, or me.

    Ready for the senseless violence bit? In Elizabethan English, to call someone “dog-hearted” is to call them cruel and violent. Now, I’m not a violent person. I’m actually quite the chicken. But, I suppose, this probably isn’t exclusive to physical violence. I don’t try to be outright mean, but as I’ve shown online, it’s not hard for me to come off as being angry or mean. I’ve also been told I come off as intimidating in person.

    I also tend to acknowledge that dogs are predatory creatures. I don’t venture into “bloody mass of guts” territory, but I’m not going to pretend that dogs have eaten nothing but kibble and peanut butter cookies since the beginning of their domestication. They’re a subspecies of wolf for fuck’s sake. If you give a dog the choice between a piece of ham and a piece of bread, it’s going for the ham.

    In light of the “subspecies of wolf bit”, I’d also like to talk about the “cool factor” of dogs. Sure, they’re not as beautiful and majestic as wolves, but they’re not without appeal. Lots of breeds are known for being strong, smart, or agile. They’re the pet every little kid dreams of having. They’re members of the human family… Nah, anthropomorphism and babying by people subtract from the cool factor, which is why I think a lot more people consider themselves wolf therians as opposed to dog therians. The idea of being a house pet doesn’t appeal to many people.

    To be honest, it doesn’t appeal to me either. I like my independence, but that’s a human thing. I don’t want to be owned, but I don’t want to spend most of my time starving either. Being alone in the wild would not work out well for me. Maybe that’s a human thing too? Either way, I’ve noticed that “dog” doesn’t have the same connotation of power and mystery that “wolf does.  I don’t think that those ideas play out in dynamics between wolf and dog people in the therian community; it’s just an honest thought about the two words.

    I’m not sure what else I have to say about being a dog therian. It hasn’t been a terribly profound experience for me. I’m not much of a poet either, so I couldn’t arrange words around well enough to get other people to feel what my experience feels like. I don’t have good enough words to describe completely what goes on in my head, and I can only pick my own brain so much.

     

  7. The more I learn, the more my kintype feels like a giant salamander (although, bigger than an actual giant salamander), but with ears, wings, and horns.

    The wings are still confusing me. I previously said I had antlers, and while I think my horns are shaped like antlers typically are, I don't think I ever shed them. The ears I'm sticking with. Those make sense and seem to be correct, at least right now. Anyway.

    I've been using "snake" as a descriptor of the base of my form, but salamander makes a lot more sense. I couldn't figure out the scales; I probably just don't have them. I feel more like my skin has a shininess to it than I actually feel I have scales. It makes the legs part of the base form, which is a sort of bonus. Salamanders don't have claws, but I also don't have any particular memories of them, so it's very possible I don't have any. Unlike snakes, they can see in color, and my memories definitely aren't in greyscale, though that could just have to do with interpretation/processing them with a brain that can see color. Also, they don't have forked tongues, and a forked tongue is something I probably would've noticed by now.

    After doing some research, a few of the reasons I said snake also make sense for salamanders. Primarily, salamanders swim using mostly their bodies and tails, and not really their legs, which is how I remember swimming. Salamanders also shed/molt their skin like reptiles are known to do. Some of them also have more elongated bodies, which would make them look more like an eastern dragon than the typical western dragon.

    TL;DR I'm a really weird, mythical salamander. But not the one with the fire and stuff.

    Maybe.

  8. Shezep
    Latest Entry

    I've decided that my recent entries have been a bit too heavy for this venue. I need to get off my lazy butt and just start a local journal. I've pretty much always had a journal somewhere. I used to write down anything and everything and not really care about who read it. I got into the habit of assuming no one did read, but maybe that's not the best choice. 

    If I have something that seems relevant to the subject matter of this site, maybe I'll remember to put it here, but my spiritual wanderings don't exactly qualify for that. I don't want to have to put disclaimers on every post in case someone thinks I mean them in a way that I don't. It would take too long to fill people in on all the ways I'd have to say "When I say this, what I mean is that," and "No, not literally" and "In the related cultural perspective, THIS is how it works. Stop thinking like an American." And sometimes that culture isn't even human, so don't bother grilling me on which culture. 

    Right, so, seeya around. 

  9. Charias
    Latest Entry

    Nothing to do with otherkin this time around, but I wanted to write this down somewhere so I can come back to it when I'm not feeling so good.

    It's really mind-blowing how much your mental state can change your perception of the world. It's like... things genuinely look different. Best example for me would be body image. It's something I've been struggling with for years. I'm an obese, transgender, species dysphoric otherkin. My body is pretty firmly cemented in my mind as being "the enemy" - thanks, mostly, to the amount I've spent hating on it while I've been depressed.

    But then sometimes I'll go look in a mirror when I'm having a good day and I'll think, hell, my body isn't that bad. I ain't gonna win any beauty contests, that's for sure, but I don't want to. What I want is for my body to look like me. I want my reflection to show who I really am.

    I look in the mirror today, and what do I see, minus the fog of depression? A young, scruffy-looking person of indeterminate gender. Short, messy hair, the shadow of a beard and moustache (I'm female and not on hormones, so I don't even know what the deal is with that... but hell, I'm not complaining!), pretty blue eyes. Like I said, I'm not a beautiful person - I'm rough and scruffy and look like someone who doesn't give a damn about their appearance. But that's exactly what I want to look like - because that's who I am. All I ever wanted was to recognise the face in the mirror. Maybe I'm not "there" yet, but I doubt I ever will be. This is close enough. Dammit, I wish I could remember that when I'm feeling down!

    Same with my weight. When I'm having a bad day, I can barely stand to look at my body. But today, I look in the mirror and think, yeah, I'm still fricking fat, but I'm getting better. And even being overweight doesn't seem so bad when I don't have to deal with depression staining everything a few shades darker.

    I just wish I could be- not depressed. 'Cause it's days like this where I feel like I can finally start to deal with the issues that cause my depression in the first place, but it never lasts long enough to make a difference. Maybe I'll have a week where I can stick to my diet and walk an hour every day, but what about next week?

    I guess that's what I'm writing this for. Maybe when I'm down, and everything's stained dark, I can come here and remember that that isn't really how things are.

    Little message for myself:

    It isn't as bad as it looks right now. There's still hope for you. You've still got a future, and you'll get there one day and you'll be happy. I know it's hard to see it right now, but that's just the depression - it's not reality. Just hang on. It'll pass with time. And remember that you're not alone, and that you matter just as anyone else. And don't binge eat, that'll make you feel worse! Go stick some music on and relax. Play slither.io or deeeep.io if you really can't find anything to do. Distract yourself. Meditate. Watch a family movie. Take Oscar to the park. Watch bittersweet videos on YouTube until you've cried everything out. Pass the time until you feel better. You can do this.

  10. This post is eclectic, hence the title.

    So, I've already talked about how I've been doing more to connect with my fauntaur side lately. I've talked about how I'm commissioning pictures of myself as a faun to replace the one I thought, and how the research and process for that has led me to a lot of art of fauns and transformations. I've said that all of this together was causing TAF. So, that's the recap. Here's the update.

     

    I commissioned two artists: one who is really good (as I discussed in a previous post) and one who is very fast. I got the picture back from the fast guy, but it isn't great. It does the job I guess, but I actually like the sketch more than the “finished” version. Because of the fact that I'm in a period of serious over-anxiety  (and because he's slow), I keep checking to see if I've got any updates from him. When I keep going to his page I see a lot of his transformation related art. This adds the jealousy of fictional characters to everything else, making TAF worse.

     

    The weird thing, as I think I’ve said before, is that I get triggered by transformations in media that I wouldn't even want to happen to myself. That's most of them, obviously. This goes back to the theory that the forced transformation in my past life ended up being a good thing, which could explain the connection here. My reaction to transformations probably also comes down to my desire to not be in a human body. It's possible that my fauntaur side would prefer almost anything over a human body, even beyond what I consciously believe.

     

    So I get to wondering, maybe there's another possible connection to transformation, beyond these two potential reasons. And I've thought of two possibilities. The first is one I've discussed before: what if fauntaurs are shapeshifters? If I was able to shapeshift freely in my past life and now I'm stuck as a human, that would definitely cause some negative feelings below the surface. But here's the other possibility: what if, in my past life, I had the power to transform others? Then I could explain my reaction to unwanted transformations in media as part of my longing to return to that life. It would also explain why my emotional response isn't so straightforward: I'm looking at it from both sides. In some cases I empathize, and in others I'm delighted. I don't know, it's just an idea.

     

    That being said, last night I couldn't sleep well, and while very tired, I found myself looking at that artist’s work and reading one of my old stories about Pan. And it's funny, things seem so much simpler when you're tired. And indeed, some things became clear to me. The main reason for my response to transformations is that I was a victim of one in my past life. And it feels right that in my past life, I somehow managed to become “coveted” by Pan (that's the word that came to my head last night.) These things were already part of my working theory, so this doesn't change much, but it at least lends some clarity to those ideas and makes me more confident that I'm right.

     

    Last thing: when I was meditating last night, I saw a strange sight in my head. A centaur with long black hair was caring for a little human girl. Suddenly, the girl turned into an adult faun and ran away, the centaur chasing after her. I don't think this means anything but it was worth noting.

     

    For now, I'm dealing with TAF a ton, and I'm anxious for the work day to be over. This evening I can finally start playing Splatoon 2, and tomorrow is Pokemon Go Fest. So lots of anticipation. I just have to survive the work day without TAF getting too bad.

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    Recent Entries

    Hi, so just joined today...unsure how i feel. Hehe, my phone kinda shocked me a bit before I joined...I get shocked or shock others a lot.

    if you haven't guessed, I'm kinda shy. Being different from others is a bit hard.

  11. My ID is Barry Burton. Everything was yelling at me saying that I am literally him so I thought about it and took the advice of going with my gut. I have found my Chris which is fantastic! We're trying to find others.

    My best memory so far is of Chris showing up to work at S.T.A.R.S wearing a blue shirt and black sunglasses that were specifically to be cooler than Wesker's. 

  12.  m (originally written on 8 July 2017)

    Today at the park by my nanna's house, my family and I tried to fly a kite, but there wasn't enough wind. So while my dad unwound a length of string, I concentrated on feeling the tiny breeze we did have. Then I visualized my phantom spirit wings and flapped them in the direction the breeze was going.

    I don't remember exactly what I said or how I called the wind, but just soon after it picked up enough to life the kite up into the air. I said "thank you" to the sky and ran so the kite trailing behind me would rose up higher.

    Later on the wind died down again, so I gave it another boost from my wings and called it again. This time it responded faster. I thanked the wind again for letting us fly the kite and have fun on such a beautiful day.

    🌕

  13. La Vouivre Jaune
    Latest Entry

    i went to counseling today and told her about my headmates and she said its all confidential unless i want someone to know or if its harmful, also told her their names and kinda tried to explain them not being like 'human' people but fictional characters 

    paar still cant talk but goris wants to next time

    im so happy

  14. I was mulling over my concept of kintypes the other day, and wondering how it could be possible that I can see myself and my kintypes as the same, singular thing, but different at the same time. I used the term "facets." Like how a gemstone has several separate, different facets, but it's still one gemstone. And I realized that my concept of a kintype is a direct parallel to what I believe about existence in general.

    A while ago I described what I believe. It was in another context, I think I was explaining reincarnation or something. I can't find the thread. But I'll do my best to recollect it, since it's pretty much the same:

    Think of a drop of water. It's a single drop of water. Think of another drop of water right next to it. They are separate drops, with their own identity. Now think of the ocean. It's made up of countless drops of water. But it's one, single ocean. The ocean is existence as a whole, and the drops of water that make it up are the individuals with their identities. Different, but also, one and the same. (This is sounding either really deep or just absurd, can't tell.)

    (I went on to explain my belief in a form of "reincarnation" that is comparable to the water cycle, but that's not as relevant here.)

    My point is that my belief in a singular existence with multiple manifestations (I guess that's how to put it?) is just like how I see myself and my kintypes. It's why I don't believe there's a real limit on the number of kintypes one can have. I suppose if you were to take this to an extreme, you could say it means everything is "kin" with everything else, and...I might actually lean towards this a bit. But the reason I differentiate between the extreme and my explanation of my own self is because of the "individual drops of water" I mentioned earlier. They might be all part of the same water cycle, but they can exist in different manifestations at different times. One drop of water can be bigger than another, or more "round" than another...and one person's set of kintypes will differ from another's. The "kintype" is more of a version of yourself, one of many possible versions.

    Wow that made no sense. But that's the best explanation I can do for now.

  15. I've been contemplating the memory that I'd detailed in my last blog entry. This likely won't come as a surprise, since one's death is a rather significant thing to have remembered. Most people wouldn't want to remember such a thing, I imagine, but I had the luxury of a painless death, and thus I am better able to analyze the event.

    The more I think on it, the more I feel I had been murdered. This might strike you as odd, as I'd just gotten through telling you that it was a painless death. However, there were certain circumstances that will account for this. I have recently become aware of a war that had been fought in the constellation to which my home star system belongs. It was apparently a long and bloody war, but I had never seen the front lines of it. I was simply an administrator, a diplomat, and the planet I called home was firmly in my side's hands by the time I came into existence, the fighting there long since ended.

    However, in my duties as a diplomat, I had somehow come across some sensitive bit of information that I believe pertained to the other side. It was highly sensitive, very important, and had the weight of thousands of lives to it. I believe I was on my way to give some high authority this information when I was somehow poisoned in transit. I'm unsure how the sabotage occurred, or whether it was of a chemical nature or something else, but that's what it felt like to me.

    I feel like this wasn't the first time such a thing was attempted, though it was the first time it succeeded. I may have not been anywhere close to the actual fighting, but I felt as though I was a known person of interest to the other side nonetheless. They'd been gunning for me for a while, it seems. Well, they finally got me.

    Despite them being my "enemy," I feel as though my painless death was intentional. The other side was quite fond of preaching love and oneness, and intentionally causing needless pain would have "lowered them to our level" or some such nonsense. I'm sure some among their number wanted to bend the rules for me, such was their apparent animosity. In the end, they decided to stick to their principles.

    I believe that it was as a direct result of this event that I came to occupy this body in such an odd way to other otherkin. (If you're unaware of what I mean, I have a blog post explaining it here) Because of the sensitivity and importance of the information I'd carried, an urgent and rather rushed effort was undertaken to preserve that information. As they had no idea of the nature of what I'd learned, they chose to transfer my entire consciousness into this form. I'm of the belief that, if I do indeed have a "mission" here, it is to remember this information and ensure it gets to the right place.

    It is probably because of all this that I've recently made an attempt to connect to the Starseed community. There are still some things that don't quite sit right with me about Starseeds in general, but given the recent memories I've uncovered, I feel they are close enough to offer a thing or two that will help me. I only really have one worry about this venture... While the particular community I'm looking at has strict policies against hateful speech against any specific group, I've already seen that a few members consider some specific groups of specific aliens to be inherently evil, and I'm afraid I fall squarely into that category. I've also seen many people speak of the war I remember, and all of them were from the opposite side as I had been. I have no problem with interacting with them - in fact I quite look forward to it - I just hope they will be equally as open minded.

  16. ravenwings111
    Latest Entry

    For a little while now I've been noticing something...different. I've been feeling different, particularly in terms of my otherkin identity.

    I'm questioning the idea of either having a possible second kintype, or if my kintype isn't exactly what I thought it was. I'm still in the early stages, and for all I know, this could just lead me nowhere.

    So far my research has come from recent changes in phantom shifts. I've been having ph-shifts of horns (which weren't there before). I still feel wings, although for some reason I feel more "in-touch" with them, let's say, than before. Like my desire to use them and fly is stronger now than before. I still feel a tail and pointed ears as well.

    As for what kintype I am questioning, with this evidence, I feel as though it could be something draconic. I've always felt a strong sense of something like stability or family towards dragons, but I'd pinned myself down as dragon-hearted. Now I'm not so sure.

    I still feel demonic though, that hasn't faltered. I believe that my soul is demonic in nature. So perhaps this possible new kintype is some sort of...demonic dragon?

    Now, as I've said, I'm still in the early stages of this, and I don't have much evidence. And, of course, I'm entirely open the the possibility that the shifts are just cameo shifts, and nothing to be concerned about. But if this continues, and I find new evidence, I'll be updating my blog with it.

  17. This keeps coming back to me, the feeling that I never knew my parents, from time to time. Not that I want to feel that way, not that I want to be reminded of what I saw in that vision.

    I've probably written it down somewhere, but it was just so vivid and felt so real... I can barely remember my own childhood in this life, how the hell did I manage that?

    It wasn't a dream, nor did it feel like something I could have forced (why would I want to force myself to see something that upset me...)

    I feel like it has some meaning to me, but even then it hasn't given much more answer than that, heh. Even before that, a lot of media that had that sort of storyline always seemed to get to me in an almost-uncomfortable way, and a feeling of not fitting in with relatives to the (rare) extreme point where I've doubted my own heritage in this life. To add to that, I've almost always gotten along with my relatives, never made to feel targeted or any less than they are.

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    NoxSpeculator
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    What... how do I...know

  18. Whoo-boy why must you do this to yourself, Chris?

    Doing research for yourself since you have to look into everything just to understand it on a basic level.

    And now look at what you did- You're confusing yourself. Again.

    Yeah, for a few weeks you've been questioning on being a Machinekin of some kind. 

    But do you have to research it for 5 hours? No, not really. 

    _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    If I lost anyone there basically I've been questioning on being a Machinekin but I've been stressing over it and looking into it a lot. 

    A little too much in one sitting. And I know it's good to research things, I think I was just overdoing it. 

    Plus I'm still learning about my other kins at the moment.

    Yet anything about Machinekins or things related to the topic trigger a weird, instinctive feeling in me.

    Like, "Oh yeah! That feels right!"

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    PatientZer0
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    This isn't really related to anything here. I just needed somewhere to put my feelings down without judgement or being told to get over it.

     

    My life is still a heap of shit, especially with recent money issues... testosterone did me a few favours, sure. I have a fair bit less dysphoria, and apparently now I'm somewhat desirable. I'm definitely no less lonely, or F-ed in the long term, though. I went from the guy that nobody cares about to the guy that's "attractive" but nobody actually cares about still. I have guys that want me by their side for the evening, want to make out or whatever, but once their night out is over and everyone's going home, nobody cares that I exist anymore. It's not what I thought it would be, it's just... empty. I'm depressed and even 40mg a day of Citalopram won't help me. The nature of my existence is just depressing. 

     

    Song: SWRDSWLLWNGWHR- The Limousines

  19. [This is an old journal entry I wrote several months ago, and have been debating posting ever since, but I figured I may as well. I wasn't sure if I liked how I wrote it at first, but eventually looking back at it I realized it didn't seem that bad to me. So anyway, here it is.]

    This begins, I suppose, with an understanding of where and how these feelings arrive. The way I see it, Lucifer is an intelligent, sophisticated being. Clever, calculating. However, at heart there is still the matter that this being is inhuman. Something wild, untamed, feral. Something that is aggressive and predatory. Something that prowls and preys on humanity, both literally and figuratively. Like the Assyrian lamassu, there is a form somewhere mixed up in all this that is something like a lion, something with wings, something that is almost-but-not-quite human, uncanny. Something that is at home in the darkness, wearing it like the fur of a big cat in the forest. There is something of that I feel, some remnant instinct and thought. Even were Lucifer to have a human shape, I still feel that inhuman-in-human mask. Perhaps it is a perfect parallel from that chosen form to the divide between human life and the other. The feelings I get would be similar on the other end as well, if more immediately relevant.

    And then there is the question of what those feelings entail. At its base, a lithe confidence. Casual revelry in those inhuman qualities of tail or wing or horn. Something in the eyes. Finally, something in the teeth, that twitches my lips into a not-smile, to flash fangs which are not there. A silent hiss from a cat-like not-cat. Your average (?) predator body experience there.

    But (not when I look people in the eye, because then I am reminded of myself as I am now), also a craving and thought of hunger. An imagination, a memory of taste, of the texture and feel of fangs sinking in and drinking. Not a vampire, not really. A vampiric not-vampire, searching out something else, something that tastes like the thrill, like the imagination, what tastes like breathing in clean air, only it fills you. A hunger and desire for that taste, which excites some feral side of my soul and frightens me because it is so at odds, frightening like the bird-like head twitch is frightening because it reminds me of something else lurking within, staring out, twitching human form into the uncanny, and I see this and know it is me.

  20. When society kicks you in the face over and over, all safety nets are taken away because you're an adult. You need to take care of yourself but what if it doesn't work? What if there aren't any jobs available for me? What if no one wants me? I have to use all of my contacts to make sure this works... It's difficult ones the society see you as an adult in the system, no money guarantee, nothing..
    I have to use all of my resources but I'm actually a cry baby... I cry when things doesn't work or when things feels difficult. It's the feeling that says "shoot yourself now! End your suffering!" and I'm like "But nooooo it doesn't work that way..." and my mind be like "Yes it does lolololol!"

    It's evil!!

  21. Ok it's pride month and I've been wanting to add a bunch of philosophical tidbits and a rant on love and why romantic love isn't the best type of love or the only one. And honestly, I'm so fed up with human society and how weird their views are from mine. It can be because I'm a therian and I'm different to begin with. Not to mention that being aromantic and asexual is the rarest orientation out there.  I'm fully aware of the fact that I'm abnormal compared to most people. My thoughts and views on love were significantly different even from a young age like 10 years old. I remember where it all started.

    I had a discussion with my dad as a 10 year old where he told me that I'd fall in love one day and be so in love (which I know now is called infatuation) that I'll forget about my parents and the rest of my family and want to be with them for the rest of my life. I somehow had prior knowledge and told him that sounds crazy. In the present, I'm thinking about my two kintypes and thinking to myself if they would go through a similar dilemma that humans go through. Wolves, especially European wolves separate from their parental pack and form new packs most of the time. But I wonder if it's ever possible that they just decide to stay there and chill. Or if they even decide to join another pack (which is probably extremely rare and unlikely.) Mountain lions speak for themselves. They're totally solitary. So, I have no idea where these prior perspectives come from.

    I have difficulty watching many movies after all these years because I am so sick and tired of people stressing over and constantly focused on romantic relationships. It looks like society doesn't really care about platonic love or family love as much as they care about romantic love. They also use words like "more than a friend" "true love" to express romance. And if you can't find someone to marry "you'll die old and alone." As someone who's aromantic, it severely bothers me. Thankfully, there is a word for this. It's apparently called amatonormativity. I've only heard of it 2 years ago but I'm glad it exists and I'm not the only one focused on it. I always, always questioned: why can't you love your parents, siblings and friends as much as you love your spouse? Well with all the movies, media and society views on it, they literally shove romance and sex in your face and convince you that it's better. But I advise people that I talk to, to think for themselves on it. Just because two people of the opposite gender talk to each other and spend time with each other, it doesn't mean they have a crush necessarily. (Good god, I'm so sick of hearing people ask, "oh, do you have a crush on him?" for so many years.) Most of the time people do get crushes. But what about those that don't? Do they not exist? Apparently not. Yet people understand what the term "bromance" means or "brotps" so it looks like that's the only way I can reach about it to people.

    And there are definitely more ways to love someone than just by having sex with them. Using my own philosophy, which is very similar to Plato's, I think love can be totally psychological,mental  or spiritual and can be attained through more ways than just through the physical world or physical contact. If you truly love someone, in anyway, you wouldn't care about their physical body but you care about their mind in the realm of thoughts (Plato calls the realm of thoughts as forms). Passionate love can only last so long. What about when you're in your 80's or 90's? Your body is probably really withered at this point, and all that remains is your mind. The physical realm, sensations and lust is fleeting, but only thoughts and ideas can last forever. Personally, I view platonic and family love to be a very pure form of love because the love is centered non-physical traits, unlike romance, which can be a mixture of personality and physical appearance.

    " Because the true goal of erôs (love) is real beauty and real beauty is the Form of Beauty, what Plato calls Beauty Itself, erôs finds its fulfillment only in Platonic philosophy. Unless it channels its power of love into "higher pursuits," which culminate in the knowledge of the Form of Beauty, erôs is doomed to frustration. For this reason, Plato thinks that most people sadly squander the real power of love by limiting themselves to the mere pleasures of physical beauty."

    http://www.iep.utm.edu/plato/

    Honestly, I'm just thankful that there's someone out there that has already said this before. I advise people to look into other forms of love such as platonic love.

    This is my current philosophy and perspective as a 22 year old who's lived for this long in this current life, and this is the thoughts and ideas I experience in regards to my asexuality and my aromance. I have been extremely fed up with everything and I just want to prowl and skulk around by myself like a mountain lion at this point.

     

  22. So, the other day, I was casting a curse for personal reasons. I was really ticked off (as one should be for a curse), as well as being in the Witch Zone, and suddenly I had a phantom shift. However, this one was different. Usually when I get wings, they're in a neutral position. This time, they showed up flared open. From what I can tell, that position was a pre-fight intimidation type of thing. I let them stay like that until I was done casting, and then I folded them back down to the normal position. I know that this happens with phantom ears and stuff like that, but for people with mythical kintypes, it can shed light on behavior and body language.

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