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I don't know why I'm doing so much introspection this weekend. It's the first weekend in a row where I'm having much free time, so I guess my brain is automatically putting together things. I can't stop that from happening, and the results are ofentimes stunning. As if that wouldn't be enough, my thougths are also getting more and more weird and far-off. At least maybe a good example for how wicked it can get if my mind is unchained. I'm posting this for documentation mainly, but criticism is always appreciated!
So for some unknown reason I've been thinking a bit about the term "infinity" the last two days. In case you don't know already, I currently believe in a self-developed specific flavor of the multiverse hypothesis. It doesn't assume an infinite amount of universes but still is infinite in another sense. Conscious minds are playing a major role in that multiverse, and both the multiverse and a mind who is aware of its construction could be considered infinite in a recursive way, or maybe in the sense of a fractal. If such a mind would additionally try to contribute to maintaining and protecting (yet not creating) this construction, it could be called an "infinity guardian", which is a term that is quite fascinating in itself. Minds like these, and alas the entities that bear them, would be vital to the multiverse's existence; as long as a single such mind would exist, the whole multiverse would. The existence of many such minds would result in an extremely stable construct.
So far it's a pretty theory. So I tried to explore whether this would be helpful for sorting out the confusing ideas I get from my introspective journeys and shifts. How would an "infinity guardian" possibly feel like when being born to this world? To which extent would that offer an explanation model to my experiences? One could rightfully say that I'm constructing a spiritual hypothesis in order to put myself in there at a very prominent place. However, this is not a game but a result of introspection and analysis. To be honest, I'm putting much more time into this than I ever anticipated, and I need to carefully avoid getting a headache over it. Finally I'm stunned and surprised by the outcome myself. This is a very similar kind of surprise like the one I felt when a fellow dragon guardian told me "Earth is not everything" in meditation. I didn't understand that at all. Now I'm arriving at the same conclusion by rational thoughts. I started to think of myself protecting life and nature on Earth and being billions of years old, which is enourmous enough to begin with. But now, by introspection, analyzing my experiences and reading lots of what others describe, I'm coming up with something as big as a multiversal infinity guardian? Why in the world does this happen? You see I don't so much like it, but I'm rather stunned, confused. This is what I meant by my thoughts getting weird and far-off.
Alas. if I follow the speculative idea of being an "infinity guardian", then Earth is a very important place, but only one out of many. It would... explain both the in-meditation message and the huge distance I feel from Earth when I'm in a strong mental (aka fusion) shift. The latter one is especially notable because it was always a mystery for me why I unexpectedly felt this huge distance. But the idea also feels quite outrageous. Realizing the sheer dimension of this feels extremely striking, unbearable. Tbh it's enough to make anyone freak out. It's frightening enough to realize that such a massive entity like an infinity guardian could at all exist within a hypothetical construct, but realizing that you may feel like that entity yourself is somewhat horrifying. If you call me a megalomaniac now, I really can't blame you.
So, what I feel might be as big as that, but could it also be a smaller subset? Being a shard (i.e. a part of a bigger celestial entity) would be an obvious option but I don't feel like a shard. For feeling like I shard, I think I'd have to feel a higher-level entity, some bigger part I belong to. But there is no such entity except the bigger part of myself that dwells in the astral, incredibly far away from Earth. That part is nothing less me than the part writing these lines.
Phew.. introspection intensifies.
EDIT: It just struck me how long I've been developing these thoughts. Most of them emerged during the past few months. But the foundation was there 20 years ago already. At this time, I began studying and I can remember to have talked to a student friend. I indicated that I consider imagination and strong emotions fundamental forces in the universe, and that I perceive reality as something that's not absolute but exists in our minds only. So my brain doesn't just produce things out of the blue, haha.
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I thought I'd start a blog here.
Last week I had a weird meditation session. It started off really nice. I left my mind wander and the first place I went was to my cat self. I was in some bushes and was watching a goat outside of them between the leaves. The goat walked off and I left the bushes and ran beside a field of wheat. It was fall and everything was orange.
Then some other stuff happened and towards the end of the session, I decided to go check out my angel self. So was I looking at a representation of this and told one of my headmates that I felt like I was the angel constantly, like this was me in another universe or maybe a higher dimension or something, and that I felt a thick cord leaving the back of my neck and connecting to the angel. I started pulling on the cord (it was made of purple light) and all of a sudden I started spinning. Like my consciousness was tumbling through space. All I could see was a blur of black and green clouds. Then I stopped and the clouds parted like a stage curtain and I saw a huge moon in the desert. There was a mesa and desert plants on the horizon, all silhouetted. Then it was like something grabbed my by the cord again and I was yanked away from that scene and was spinning in the clouds again. I caught some glimpses of things here and there, but I couldn't make anything out.
Then my meditation timer went off and the session ended.
I looked up the spinning online. Apparently this happens a lot. I was worried it might be something dangerous, but it seems to be one of those things that just happens sometimes. But judging from the fact that everyone has a different explanation as to what it is or what causes it, no one knows anything about it beyond the fact that it happens.
In any case, it was weird.
Kind of copy paste from my da/tumblr journal but it included zhuards so...I'll put it here too..
With sketchtember just ending, and inktober happening now (and being kind of busy in general), I've put a few things off to the side-knowingly or unknowingly. That includes character refs/studies and FAQ's. I'll see what I can do before the new year. Speaking of which, this year's resolution was about backgrounds and characters- and I think I did a pretty decent job at that, so I'm happy...but I really want to extend that theme further into the new year.
Still chipping away at the zhuard terrestrial (black and white technically line-artish) ref. I'm taking my time with it because I want it to be 'right' and correct in my eyes for a while. At least to the best of my skill level (with drawing/loose linearting) and knowledge of them- and I've gained a ton this year about them! It may seem boring without color but it is very important and a much needed reference, pointing out anatomy quirks and facts about the species that distinguish them from earth's creatures-and that people make or might not know. It's also more for me personally. I'm just super excited about that point alone. Pharaoh form will have a similar format but that'll be in the future of course- I need more information on them in that form.
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I realized I never started a blog here and wanted to talk somewhere about some things, just to let my old friends know I'm okay, and I guess for anyone else who might be curious!
First of all, I can't get on TG but it's a long story. I assume anyone who wants to talk to me will have another way to besides tg, and if not, pls let ppl know I'm here thanks haha. So yeah, haven't been on there lately. Or here either, just because I've been so busy/distracted.
I'm still a dog and orca, still really miss the ocean :c but at least now I'm finally not so damn confused about my kintypes. Polymorph, still not sure though. I rarely have cameo shifts anymore.
I've drawn a lot and I'll post it all here eventually!
But onto the big news. I'm fucking FINALLY moving out. After 23 years of living with my shitty controlling parents. Not sure when exactly but probably this month! The best month not only am I moving out but I'm going to las vegas to meet my bf irl for the first time!! We've known each other for over a year now and i am BEYOND excited to finally see him and get to do all sorts of cool fun things (that don't include gambling bc neither of us think that's fun.) Mostly I just want to relax with my bf and be able to sleep with him (not necessarily in a sexual way) without worrying about being home on time so my parents don't freak out. I'll probably end up totally cutting contact with them, knowing how they are, but I admit I'll really miss the dogs and my nieces and nephews. They're all adorable, despite me rarely having much energy to deal with them due to depression. I hope they don't miss me too much :c
I've been so excited the past couple of weeks!!! But also really nervous because I don't want to deal with my parents and I'm afraid of them harassing me/my friends, not to mention I've NEVER been on a plane before, or even in an airport. So, going on a plane alone for the very first time is going to be scary, even though the flight is only an hour. I've hardly even been outside of my state. I told my bf for the first few days I'll probably be so overwhelmed with excitement/nervousness that I'll hardly sleep or eat anything. Anxiety sucks :c but at least my bf will make me feel more comfortable, being so sweet and wholesome
So yeah, big life changes. I'm probably going to continue to be very inactive here, especially when I move in with my fruend because she doesn't have internet and I'd have to walk a bit to connect to the free wifi in our city. But just wanted to let you all know what's going on! I'll post more when I'm actually moved out/visiting my bf!!
I have known that I am not an earthly wolf for quite some time and will try to explain what makes me different below.
I have tried on the identity wolf in the past, and there was a slight disconnection/foreign feeling. Pterolycus/winged wolf feels more correct, as the phantom wings are definitely integrated into this identity. My wing shifts do not feel cameo at all and are quite frequent and strong. I also feel like I should be able to fly, or at least glide, despite never being able to, it feels weird to lack this ability. I also have the ability to "shape-shift" not physically, but phantom, mentally, or metaphysically within meditation. There is a folktale of a winged wolf with the ability to shape-shift, which helps me feel confident with this identity.
During meditation, I am often lead to another world or dimension (not sure which) that feels more "home" than earth does. Perhaps this is where my kin originates from? I feel more like a spiritual being, and not in the sense of just being a spiritual person. I genuinely feel like my kintype might be native to the spiritual or astral plane (or from a place more connected to it than earth is) I'm still questioning this, however.
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It seems I never did continue to tell you about my kin studies did I. Hm. Anyways, that doesn't matter because I wanna tell ya'll something. Anyways, if you are a person that reads bios, like I love to, you might have noticed I no longer have set kin types and such listed. Instead everything is being questioned. This is something I have been thinking of doing for a while, but I finally talked it over with my friends on therian amino, you know them, and they are gonna help out with it. I kinda got caught up in real life and stopped writing down shifts and other behavior in my journal, so i'm starting that over also.
Most of you may be confused to why i'm starting over. Wasn't I so sure on the arctic wolf theriotype? Answer: not anymore. When I finally picked back up on my journal for now till I get a new one, I realized my movemnts were more cat like, not so big and bulky as you may see a dog move towards a door when knocked on. And shifts felt so much... smaller is a way to put it. At first I was looking into foxes, because some can move kind of like cats. But I'm not sure what, but I was watching a video of Koda and PD like a week ago, and something clicked. All the smaller and smoother movements made sense. A ferret was both small and smooth.
I'm not saying that it's comepletely right, because I could be comepletely off. But considering I never really took notice to ferrets, but they match all behaviours, I'm gonna look into them anyways. It's kinda like when people end up having a kintype they absolutely hated. They learn to love it since they identify as it! I don't hate ferrets, but hey, they are cute!
Now that i've said that, let me get back on topic. I know the wings on Wyverns match, but what if it is just really a prehistoric creature with wings? I'm not doubting it, but honestly, I don't see any behaviours or anything between me and dinos. But I don't see any with Wyverns besides the wings either. What if it's some type of hybrid that I just haven't found yet, and that's what species they are? I figured out that thunder triggers wing shifts, just like rain triggers fur shifts for me. It really isn't to bad when you get used to it. My only issue is I go back to school soon and I don't want them to cause a problem.
I hope we just don't watch any more movies with animal death in them. The last time it happened, I was on my medicine and it made me drowsy and unfocused. I'm no longer on it though, so all my senses are much more alert than last year. Of course my best friend could help out because she knows and actually chats with us sometimes over on amino.
Anyways, this was just a continuation to let ya'll know i'm not dead haha. Though once school starts this Monday, I might be. But still, see you all later!
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(Speaking present tense as Lady Lunastre)
For one such as myself, my true draconian heart is what keeps me alive, my astral energy and power within ever flowing, and forged my connection with nature and people alike, for this I have realized when I set foot into the great wilderness of the alpine mountains, and saw the beauty of the ever awakening storm, the moon shining brighter as I raised my astral wings to the darkening sky, waiting for the beauty of the stars and the void, hidden by the powerful storm following.... Amongst the hidden beauty of the nature around me during such a time, I have begun to truly awaken my true draconian heart, and I have begun to fine tune my astral energy for the sake myself, and the nature around me, for I am doing the most subtle amount of astral energy to help the life forms around my existence....
Something I will always know, for all of time and for all of Infinity, is the fact that I am truly draconian, in blood, heart, and soul, for I will always win the war with the evil and the demons created by the hate and warring of ideals within this world we live in, for I see the beauty in all walks of life, and I will always strive to protect those I love, and those that need help more than anyone else. I know who I am, and what I look like, for I am Lady Lunastre, Celestial Queen of the Draconians, the only true daughter of the almighty Infinite Draconian Lord.... I see within my true slumbering form, the vast expanse of my magnificent wings, imbued with the power of the celestial existence and the storm across the sky and the realms above, and within my existence I sense the desire and the calling to help and provide aid to all beings of life and earth, to see the smiles on the faces of the world, so they can truly prosper and love their beautiful lives and walks of life, (this applies to you all reading this), and the great, spiraling horns that bear my molten iron crown of celestial being shines down and burns my enemies who dare to disrupt the balance of the world. The magnificent color of my dark, cobalt blue scales shine down upon the world, for my titanium scaled hands providing love and protection to all who need a hug, or the simple encouragement for them to see the beauty within themselves..... I see the perfect balance of the world, and for I as the celestial draconian queen strive to protect the great balance that keeps us all alive and seeing the great beauty within all walks of life....
Those and the evil who the wind and the storms blow against, will be burned to ashes by my pure azure fire, and the great power of the celestial and eternal darkness of the void will take and destroy those who desire to take the lives and happiness of the innocent beings that walk the worlds of all kinds, for the celestial energy that I hold within will destroy and strike the evil that dares to take hold of those who live life by their own good happiness.... For the strength of the dragon is used to protect, not to destroy, and for I as the celestial draconian queen will protect all walks of nature, life, and death, for all of time, and for all of Eternal Infinity.....
(End, excerpt from my true draconian heart and self....)
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Something we’ve never done, is to put all of these ‘memories’, all of these flashes of what might be, together publicly. I am not naturally open, I do not trust others with my innermost thoughts, I see no point when so many are crude in their attempts at understanding and carelessly tread upon what is held dear to myself. Both this life and within DL has taught me as to other’s disregard of my emotions and innermost thoughts. Ultimately people do not care to a standard I recognise as 'care’, perhaps as a result of my own high expectations.
But, I will not digress further. What I am about to put to words is what I 'know’… regardless of how unreliable such an experience can be. The malleable nature of the mind is at times dreadfully inconvenient, and does leave me on the edge of true acceptance. So, with that in mind, we shall begin.
I was born as Karlheinz and Beatrix’s second child and lived my childhood within one of father’s castles, and though I struggle to remember it, originally Beatrix did have some interest in my welfare. It was however before I passed my second or third year that things began to deteriorate.
Cordelia’s antagonising of mother had started before I was born, and the initial stages of care was more from her natural feelings of obligation rather than a relaxed form of 'love’, but, I’m not one to talk of such things, as I don’t believe I ever saw her as she might have once been before my conception.
The transition away from mother’s care was gradual, where more and more times I would be kept under watch by the maids within the castle. I did attempt to garter some concept of 'love’ or care beyond duty from them also, but they were always resistant, and before I turned 6 I was already closing up. I had been told quite often what and who I was, and through that I justified my existence, for, to consider the thought of being 'unwanted’ was far too unpleasant to dwell upon.
I was a vampire prince, I could one day take my father’s position - At least, that’s what the maids told me. Mother would speak similarly, but with her own twist on the latter, “You shall one day serve your brother as his advisory.” or such similar dismissals of my own capabilities.
Though her constant rejection of myself, I ran through many different theories or ideas as to why this might be. One point was my eyes. Though there are many who argue about it within this 'fandom’, I can not see clearly without my glasses. My eyesight is not abysmal without them, but it is certainly weak enough to require them. This, for a vampire is rather a sign of weakness. If I’d been born into any position other than the one I was, I’d likely have been subjected to rather more in the way of mocking comments or teasing jabs. Later on my half-siblings certainly wouldn’t refrain from such comments, though it was quickly lessened through my own 'encouragement’ for them to stop.
I developed a strong interest in the sciences, particularly chemistry, an interest that later developed into cooking also, though this is where some minor motions away from the 'canon’ do start to seep in. Cooking never became a 'passion’ of mine, it was simply an extension of chemistry for me. I was doing it at father’s behest; I did it because I was told to, it was simply a bonus that I found it mildly interesting for it’s more technical side. My cooking would also tend to be a fair sight more 'interesting’ for quite a time.
I experimented while younger, it’s what young minds do best. The Demon World doesn’t have plants like the Human World does, but it does have quite the wide array of poisonous plants, toxic and venomous animals and various other, sometimes magical, components for alchemy. I certainly didn’t shy from trying everything I could get my hands on, as I was left to my own devices a majority of the time. Classes were not regularly scheduled for me as they were for Shu, so I had rather a lot of free time to explore.
The area around the castle was vast, with a dark forest that usually we as children wouldn’t have been allowed to enter. I’d collect herbs or other ingredients there and quickly run back to 'play’ with them. I enjoyed this 'work’ so much, but what I really wanted was to show my work. I didn’t like to admit it, but I was often at times lonely for recognition. Companionship I was relatively content without at that age, I enjoyed what I did and that was all I needed. Books, potions and the freedom to explore those freely.
Something else that certainly isn’t covered at all within the writings of DL was our abilities. These I did attend sessions with Shu for, though they did little but to further embed the feeling of inferiority. Vampire children, specially those born with our blood would be taught very quickly to learn the use of their abilities.
Some individuals would be better in some areas that others, but for a list of them all it isn’t much different to what it canonly understood:
- Familiar Summoning & Control
- Energy Perception
Along with also natural traits we were born with being above that of humans, being physical strength, physical durability, healing, sight (if you weren’t me), hearing and energy perception.
Energy Perception, for a little elaboration is essentially the ability to feel the presence of others. With training yours could be lessened and you could detect others more easily. It’s rather similar to the concept of auras or empathic reading that persons here can train themselves to do - or be born with a natural gift to be able to easily. It’s the same concept.
I remember the lessons with Shu in particular regarding our transformations into our bat form. For many families it is the sign of a child entering into adolescence, and the first time it is done to be seen as the blossoming of one’s vamprism. You could see it akin to a baby speaking their first word. Unfortunately Shu was able to transform before myself, and mother rather joyously praised him infront of us as he hung upside from her outstretched hand. It is not a pleasant memory, but rather few are.
There are however two stages for us with pure blood. Where’s most vampires could change into a small bat form, usually for flying across larger distances, fitting into small locations, quick getaways or similar, we could also change into a much larger bat form. If you follow my blog here you may have seen them depicted a number of times.
When a pure blood vampire learns how to change into that form is is more a sign of adulthood - Which leads me to clarify that the 'ages’ we have been assigned naturally do not reflect the actuality of our time spent alive. Age, as a concept works rather differently for us as vampires, but we’ll come back to this in a moment.
I don’t recall when or how Shu learned to change into his larger form, I wasn’t there to bare witness. I actually don’t remember any of the others learning for the first time clearly, but we may reflect to see if we recall any in more detail with my younger siblings. I have a feeling Subaru might have done his by accident while in a fit of rage inside the mansion.
My first time was outside, within the forest, isolated. So, if that is anything to go by, one might consider that the norm, and why I do not recall any other’s first times. However I do seem to remember Ayato appearing flying above the mansion yelling at everyone to look at him. I can only guess that was his first time, though we didn’t see the transformation it’s self.
Generally speaking, we tended not to use our large forms. We had little need to, and they consumed a fair chunk of our energy to change into and to change back out of again. I know that I have seen all of my sibling’s forms at least once, along with mother’s, Karlheinz’s and Christa’s, but I don’t recall ever seeing Cordelia’s, which is why on the chart we made it is admittedly a guess, rather than done from memory.
Dating Memories and Time
Time is an incredibly hard thing to get down linearly when I was born in the castle in the Demon World yet later moved into the Human World. To my knowledge, time passes faster here in the Human World than it does in the Demon World, but if you were to move between them you wouldn’t notice any difference till your return back to your own world. Why do I believe this the case? There’s a tremendous amount of reasons, both originating from my own memories and also what is both stated, and implied in canon.
The first time marker I have to go off of is when I discovered Shu slipping into the Human World through a gateway within the Demon World forest. I must have been the physical equivalent of around 7 at the time. The gateway lead to another forest in the Human World that eventually gave way to a small isolated town. I never visited myself, but I did catch myself 'human watching’ a few times, really just a chance to reaffirm to myself my own superiority. I never spoke to any humans, but the sun was bright and irritated so I often wouldn’t stay long.
This eventually did lead to the rather infamous event of setting that small town ablaze. The reasons for this are complex, personal and would take us off topic to go into. So if curious, do go and read one of the wonderful character analysis some fans have written for me.
I didn’t stay to watch the fire, though I wished I had. It was done at night after learning the time cycle between our worlds so that the time of day would be just right. There was a stables near the edge, and I crept in to undo the doors for all of the horses first before setting the barn alight. The large amount of straw there worked as a firestarter, and the wooden building it’s self enabled the flames to catch hold.
Many of the buildings nearby were also comprised of mostly wood and/or thatched roofs, allowing the flames to spread and hop between buildings. As I fled I remember hearing a bell tolling as someone spotted the quickly expanding fire.
DL, if you might not be aware, takes many notes of it’s world’s history from this world’s. This can be seen the most with the Mukami’s and their background, but unfortunately their influence I feel is something that might have distorted the original timeline.
It would get into an awful lot more off-topic conversation to elaborate more on my Fictional Life Theory, perception equating to actuality and the link between this world and that of DL through mental retention while this post is already dreadfully long. So for now I’ll still to my original memories and maybe at some other time return back to that of alternative timelines.
Though upon saying that, due to the fact I didn’t stay to watch, I actually know very little about what happened thereafter. The little I remember is simply the building architecture and the surrounding area. All I could say for sure is that it was European in origin and likely 17th-18th Century.
Returning to the Castle the next day I did hear many hushed whispers between the maids about the fire, and that, “Many humans died.” Though I believe that this may actually be an exaggeration now with the death toll only reaching 20 or so when I’d gone my entire life believing it was somewhere in the hundreds.
The Castle it’s self was truly beyond anything that humans could create here. It’s size was beyond any Human World structure, with a 16th Century interior and a somewhat distorted 16th Century exterior. I remember it’s seemingly mile high walls stretching high into the grey sky with many arches supporting it’s grandeur. This wasn’t just a normal castle, it was one constructed by Karlheinz himself, and it showed that in it’s might. The structure it’s self was incredibly imposing, as if it was some sleeping behemoth that might start to shudder and shake and come alive in an instant.
There were however a few gargoyles that would sit on the corners. They weren’t made of stone, but actual demonic familiars. There weren’t many, but we could sometimes see them hopping between the high arches with their wings outstretched. They were there to keep us safe from other vampire clans, but an attack never happened, so we never saw them in action.
This wasn’t the castle where Karlheinz worked from/lived, but rather created solely for his wives. An amusing thought is comparing it to a holiday home, though that might also be seen as rather an insult to his work, so I’ll refrain. There were three separate sections within it, one for each of his wives. Beatrix, Shu and I had the right wing, Cordelia and her sons had the centre and Christa and Subaru had the left.
The design of the castle was asymmetrical, and as long as I spent living there I never got to see all of it’s hidden areas. It was filled with corridors, passageways, stairs seemingly leading nowhere, a multitude of rooms for just about everything, a ball room, a swimming pool (yes even back then, there was an outdoors one also), large kitchens, a laboratory, at least two libraries, multiple games rooms and more.
Oh, I have gone off topic detailing about just about everything now haven’t I? There’s honestly far more that can be said, but if you’re wanting to hear about that it’s perhaps better you just contact me directly. I don’t bite.. So to speak.
There’s other events to cover, such as Cordelia and Beatrix’ demise, but we’ll save that for another time and jump straight to the topic of brides.
You might ask, did Karlheinz send you brides? And the answer would be yes, and the same fate befell them as you might already be aware.
It was very rare I ever involved myself, I left most of the 'interactions’ between them and the triplets usually, as they were the most interested in that sort of thing. There were only a few human girls who would try their luck with me, unfortunately I wasn’t interested in being charitable any more than the others. Their interest in me would quickly wane upon interacting, and that would rather set off a chain reaction.
I don’t handle being ignored well, you understand. If you start something you should finish your goal, and I have little patience for those who don’t follow through. I would see echoes of my past in them, as I’m sure most of us did. They were dolls we projected our lives onto, and they suffered the result of that.
However, disregarding all of the previous minor alterations from the 'canon’, this is the largest fork in the timeline, as I’m unsure if Yui appeared at all. Honestly the options are between, “Yui did join us, but did not pick me. It’s also unlikely she had Cordelia’s heart.” or “Yui didn’t join us.” Either case, the girls send to us was like drip-feeding, which does bring up the point of how we would feed but again, a topic for another time.
The result of Yui never involving herself with me meant that tensioned continued to rise in the mansion. Being forced into a much smaller space as we were now made conflicts more common, and my relation to Shu, though already sour was nearing it’s breaking point - Till eventually, it did.
I had already rid myself of mother, my next target had always been Shu. Without the counterbalance of Yui my focus shifted away from resurrecting mother, and purely onto Shu. The one who continued now to take advantage of my behaviours to live in denial and avoid the world around him. In short, I challenged him. One final duel. One final fight to the death.
This wasn’t practise, this wasn’t brotherly sparing, this was my declaration for his end, and so we fought. Details again I’ll.. Have to write another time. But this is the most prominent point of my memories.
The end result was that I won, just. He’d almost crushed my skull but a split second prior to my final blow. Beyond here things do get rather.. Well, I’d say 'personal’, but this entire post has been. But I was rather 'out of my right mind’ after killing Shu. I took to the skies in my larger bat form, calling to father all the while before I started to relapse into old memories.
My identity, my concept of who I was was that of a monster, a murderer, and so I embraced it outright. I set ablaze another town and sat upon the spire of the cathedral to wait.
Looking back on it, it’s honestly a rather immature cry for attention, but that’s the point I had been driven to. I had nothing left but the idea to destroy that which surrounded me. The world that had rejected me, the family who had ignored me, the ones who had denied me the right to be a concept known as 'myself’. I was shaped by the world to be recognised by it, and so now I bore a scar onto the land so I might be known to exist.
I’ve actually written out a lot of this before in this blog post here, so you're free to read up on that for what happened in-between events listed here.
Memories past this point do get a little patchy, but I do believe that I managed to seek out father myself upon realising he wasn’t going to come to me. I re-entered the demon world via a gateway in the forest of which I’d just told the elderly lady not to follow me. I made my way to Karlheinz’ main castle on horseback before confronting him directly.
I do not know everything, in detail, but I do know I was ready for a fight to the death with father also, and didn’t expect the reality of what he decided to do instead. Ontop of one of the towers he changed into his own bat form - Though to call it a 'bat’ would honestly be a discredit to the scale of the creature he changed into. With four wings, four ears, three eyes and a continuously flowing white mane that drifted around his form as if he was submerged under water he bore down on me with his might. He told me to learn more, before encountering him again. I was still naive, immature and undeserving of his power.
With those last words he eradicated me from that world, and, if my theory is to be correct, placed me into this one.
The tests he has given me thereafter have emulated Shu’s life to force me into understanding his perspective, his emotions and life, and to learn the concept of kindness, love, selflessness and emotions in a way I have never been able to truly grasp before. What this life deals is often times ruthless, without remorse, without mercy, but if I am to live then I will find a way to live. If it is what I must do then I will do it.
This is who and what I presume myself to be. You may judge me however you wish. This is my story, and I think unless I accept it, I will always be at ends with myself.
Thank you for reading.
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So, I haven't been very active here in a while, although I've lurked and responded to some stuff off and on, mildly. This is a general update on how I'm doing, since I'm coming up on my fourth year of being in this community and actively accepting my belief and identity as the Devil. It's also almost been a year since my first memory smacked me upside the head, and I have basically been non-stop shifty ever since. It's to the point where at times I'm like "am I the otherkin equivalent of a contherian?" Is that terminology even useful for me at all, though?
I'm not 100% sure why, but within the past week I've suddenly been hit with an onslaught of mental shifting and more memory recall, again maybe because I'm coming up on a year since that first one? I have a bunch of thoughts bouncing around in my head, from that thought to wondering when the anniversary of my Fall would be on our calendar and if that could potentially cause an upset or rise in shifting/memory for me. In total, I've had about five memories; the most recent one was moreso a memory layered over a "feeling", or imagined scenario. The scene itself was, I believe, simply serving as a parallel to a scene I have been through more than once, so a specific memory was not called into my head, but instead a replacement and/or trigger for it and the associated emotions and actions.
However, when I talk about this, I have to dance around the subject. Because of all the memories I've recalled at this point, almost none of them are things I'm comfortable sharing the exact details of. Not now, not ever. This can be a little awkward in the angelkin community, where it can be normal to give out details of your traumatic death/torture/Fall memories, a habit which I've always found kind of weird but each to their own on what you're comfortable sharing, I guess. For me, I'm not comfortable sharing it beyond summary or vague implications - but I still want to talk about it and the associated emotion with people who understand. So I find myself in a weird sidestep dance around what I've experienced.
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I have wanted to start a blog for a few weeks now and haven't been sure where to start. Just haven't thought of a good starting place, a place that I felt comfortable sharing my 'kin self with others, until now...
Recently, I began to develop more of an understanding for the history and culture of one of the few parts of my genetic/ethnic background I actually know anything about, that place being Scotland. By blood, I am descended from a lowlands clan of the surname Benfield. By law and by all the family I have known since infancy, I am descended from the highland Stewart clan of the surname Cruickshank. The family history has been something I have clung to since childhood.
After I awakened, I began to get flashes of memory from my past dragonic life, flashes of a life lived in a rugged land flanked on all sides by the sea. Flashes of people speaking a tongue that reminds me of my dragonic self. Slowly the pieces came together, over the course of a year. In my dragonic life, I lived on the British Isles, both Scotland and Ireland.
Cut to this last week. I've wanted to study Scottish history for a long time and finally said now was the time. I researched and bought three books, and two days ago cracked open the first. I found myself within the first chapter transported repeatedly back into memories that haven't seen the light of day, even in the 10 years since I've awakened. Memories filling in gaps that previously I had filled with theories and suppositions. The history unfolded on paper and in my mind, and the book placed dates that my mind could only guess at.
The book spoke of archaeologists unearthing signs of Hunter gatherer groups of people living there since the end of the last great ice age, and this was the first shock of personal memories being dragged out of my long-asleep mind. I saw a flash of the land as it was then, viewed on the wing, swooping low over the water, viewing a world just waking up from a long slumber beneath ice. It felt fitting that this was the first memory to come, as I too feel I am waking from a deep slumber. As I read, a rapid-fire flash of memories, faces, voices, colors, trees, water, food, hunting, mountaintops, lochs, people... All a sort of jumbled mess of brief impressions flashed through my mind and left me reeling. Still I read on, desperate to see what else would surface.
The book told of the rise of farming, the settling of humans into communities with buildings and domesticated animals. It spoke of the felling of ancient forests, gone and forgotten in the modern Scotland. It told of the rise of a primitive form of the famous Scotland Clans, as people bound themselves to one another in loyal family groups. Again I experienced this rapid-fire onslaught of memories, but this time it was more distant... I didn't feel the soul-wrenching feeling of closeness to these people. If anything I felt sad, knowing they were giving up many things for this new way of life. I believe I disapproved.
I read on, the book unfolding the history of Rome's attempts to conquer the British Isles. How they took the lowlands, but were unable to hold the great Glen or the highland hills and mountains. How they built Hadrian's Wall to keep the "barbarian" Pictish tribes, the Painted Ones, from attacking what land they held. I again felt memories stir but these were also distant. I had kept apart from these squabbles of men.
I have read on since then, to the time of the Anglo-Saxon conquest of the land, their eventual settling of a portion of the land after mostly being repelled by the Picts, and now have begun reading of the Viking sacks, raids and takeovers of various portions of the land. I feel yet more and more disconnected now. Memories come as if from a dream, but they do come.
Previously, I believed I lived in the Isles from about the time of Christ until around the time Christianity had begun to take hold there. I believed I lived there a few centuries, and then died at sea in an attempt to save a woman washed overboard from a ship by a storm. But now, I am left to contemplate if I didn't live there much earlier, and several centuries longer.
I want to ponder over this more, perhaps reread what I have already read as well.
I am open to thoughts and impressions on what I have written, and questions for more details as well.
My personal explanation for my other-ness has always been reincarnation, mixed with the multi-universe. I’m not really sure how to explain it outside of just knowing it’s right; I was a dragon in a past life and somehow I managed to (vaguely) remember it, with said dragon still being a part of me. This is probably the best explanation I can give currently, as I haven’t been questioning the why as much as I think I should.
My appearance Ive shared before, but I’ll state again here just so everything can be in one place. This is just a general idea of what I think, however, and it may change slightly as I learn more about myself.I was a bear-sized dragon with pale-gray scales, blue and gray feathered wings, and a blue mane. I’m fairly certain that this “mane” is made up of down feathers rather than fur, but am still figuring that one out. Large black scales dot above each leg and under each eye. I had three-toed paws with gray claws. My overall build is a more boxy, European style.
My home was in a boreal forest, or a taiga. For those unfamiliar with the biome type, boreal forests are mostly made of various species of evergreens, with long harsh winters and deep snow on the ground. Summers were short, but much warmer (and by warm I mean 10 C or 50 F hehe) with lots more vegetation to go around. I lived with a clan here, though I don’t remember much about my clan. Just that they were there, that we protected each other, and that elders would sometimes hibernate. Sometimes the hibernation was just to escape the cold winters, sometimes they lasted years as they just slept. I couldn't tell you how sleeping for several years helped them, but it does seem nice heh.
I spent many a day fishing along a river that cut through our territory, and I have very vague memories of flying to a more tundra-like place for… reasons? I can’t really remember why.
That’s just about all I can remember. Not much about me as a person, or my clan as of now. Hopefully someday I can remember more, however. For as long as I’ve been aware of my otherness, I feel like this is a very large amount to remember and am thankful for that.
Broken and torn by
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Back when I was a teenager, I was into some cringy Mary Sue stuff. Looking back now, I know that there was a kernel of truth to it. I misinterpreted, but it's also reassuring to see how much I got right on a symbolic level. I used to channel my kin feelings into writing fiction because that was the only outlet I had for it at the time. Computers were just barely starting to be something that regular people might have in their homes, and only if they were geeky hobbyists. I didn't have one until later.
So, my main character was an anthro-hawk woman who was a bit untamed. Still, she carried a sword and dedicated herself to defending her city, with the adobe walls, close to a fertile river valley, on the edge of a desert. She would take side jobs hunting game for the local tavern, delivering packages, and raising some extra coins from fighting in the other tavern. Of course this Mary Sue had the most wonderful soulmate ever. I was obsessed with him.
The guy was an anthropomorphized sun spirit. He also carried a sword and defended the city. He literally glowed and could cook raw meat in the palm of his hand on a sunny day, not that he did that very often. He was also friendly and charismatic, unlike the hawk woman whose wild-like indifference often kept people at a distance. The problem was that he depended on the sun for his own survival. If he exhausted himself, he'd suffer through the cold dark night until the next morning. A fire could help keep him going.
Years later, in college I started writing another story, about an otherkin-type awakening happening in our world. The hawk lady could not even go outside because those wings were just too big to hide, so the guy took her in and watched over her. Except this time he was a vampire. He worked in a nightclub. He was still charismatic, but he was also sarcastic and snarky. He hunted the other "monsters" that were suddenly appearing around the city. Then one morning while trying to help the hawk woman escape, he got caught out in the sunlight and captured.
He didn't turn to ash, but he was severely burned. The people who captured him soon learned that his healing actually accelerated under a sun lamp. His body reconfigured itself into his sun aspect. He regained his sense of compassion, which was always there, just buried. Though he could still be a snarky asshole when he felt like it. In college, while I was writing this character, I did start to suspect that my "soulmate" really was another aspect of myself. (This was after the Horus vision, but I was ignoring the heck out of that back then.)
Just some wild ham-fisted fiction, right? Not exactly. I had been hanging out with the Thunder Being, playing astral cowboy for a time, defending my city and quite determined that the only monster allowed within my territory was me. I was still ignoring the hell out of Horus, though my actions proved that ignoring it didn't make it go away. Then Ra stepped in and decided he'd had enough of my denials. He scorched the crap out of my energy every morning for two and a half months. I was terrified that it would never end. Even as it burned, I craved more, like I had been starving for who knows how many years. The burn is all energy, but I also feel it as a physical sensation under my skin, first a build up of pressure and then something like heat followed by something like sunburn. (My studies in Tai Chi have taught me that there is a link between chi and the connective tissues in the body, so it probably does create something of a physical reaction in me.) Being burned by the sun until it rewired me to its liking was apparently a prophetic idea. My writing predicted that transformation years in advance.
I've been sensitive to those energies ever since, though the intensity varies from day to day. Some days I sleep through it. Some days it wakes me up and I ignore it and go back to sleep. Some days it's blissful and I find myself begging for more. Some days the pressure builds, and some days it burns. It's usually more intense when I've exhausted myself the day before. I suspect that the faster I pull it in, the hotter it feels. It's strongest in spring and summer. In fall it starts to have something like an unpleasant metallic taste to it as it slowly diminishes. In winter, I just sort of drag myself along. I can usually detect the first hopeful hints of spring before the temperature starts to warm.
I insist, with a snarl in my voice, that I am not a vampire. It's possible I "doth protest too much." The psi vampires would put me in the elemental category because of my dependence on solar energy. And it is true that I have to watch myself in winter because I am capable of taking energy from other sources, and might do so accidentally. A few weeks ago someone wandered by and mentioned the Aset Ka, and I snarled then too. Putting Kemeticism and vampirism together? That feels like summoning and celebrating the diminished form, an aberration. There may be some kernel of truth, but it seems to ignore that the great big flaming ball in the sky is the true source of immortality and power. Toss those Anne Rice books out the window already. Egypt was not about death. It was about a life force so strong that it defies death, and you didn't have to steal it, just embrace it. Ride on the solar barque and risk the sun's heat to become a Shining One if the Field of Reeds isn't good enough for you.
Is this another territorial reaction of "no monsters here but me?" Maybe a resentment of how close to the line I'm already sitting? Maybe annoyance at people who confuse desperation with power. Maybe recognition that my own energy state is variable enough that I don't take it for granted, and I'd be majorly pissed at anyone who disrupted it without my consent. The consent thing is a big issue. I don't tend to snarl at people who respect that line, and I've been a willing energy donor myself a few times when I've had extra to spare. Lots of mixed feelings on the subject.
But yeah, that "soulmate" guy was part of me all along.
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Lately I've been doing a bit more research on cab horses from the late 1800s to the mid 1900s, and have found that most carriages, cabs, etc. were drawn by larger draft horses such as Clydesdales and Shires. I will do a bit more research and see if I find either of them fitting. I will probably do some research on other breeds of draft horses as well.
I've started questioning Morab as opposed to just being an Arabian. I've felt that lately just labeling myself as an Arabian horse hasn't felt quite correct. I will probably do some more research on Morabs and I will probably look into other Arabian crossbreeds too.
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If you can't handle people judging others, or disbelieving others, then you shouldn't read the following.
I spent a long time thinking about how to word this thread, it's been a while coming, and I literally just spent 30 minutes staring at a blank text input thinking up how to word this so I don't seem like a jackass, but then that very thought became the catalyst for what I was feeling.
If you don't automatically believe everything everyone else says, you're suddenly treated like you're this inferior, barbaric, and badly judgmental person. I lurk, and read, and lurk some more, compiling information, and judging it based on what is presented.
I don't respond to many things because I do not believe in what's behind them. Unfortunately, that's creating an atmosphere around me that I cannot speak my mind, or how I feel in case I am rude, or marked a troll and banned. I am afraid to even make any debates or counterpoints out of fear of being banned for stating an opinion, even in this subforum. And it makes it so I can't ask questions, I can't try to figure it out, because if I say anything about my beliefs then the passive aggressive aura comes into play, this subconscious display of superiority over someone who's beliefs are contrary to the popular, where obviously they can't understand it, they aren't open enough, or they aren't kind enough.
I am not going around telling people that they can't believe what they believe, but there seems to be this prevalent attitude that one cannot disbelieve someone because that would make you a hypocrite, or that you can't tell someone who they are.
I believe that one of the reasons the community as a whole is ridiculed is because anyone could claim something really weird and outlandish, and well, if you judge them you have no right to do so, because you can't tell them what they are and are not, and anyone who judges anyone is this backwards person who just doesn't see the light yet.
I don't believe in mean-spirited trolling, or harassment, but I understand why many people don't accept us. And I can't fathom how others don't see it. Perhaps it ties in with many of my other opinions, many of which others will claim are harmful or misguided. Or something along those lines. Maybe it's because many people just use really vague theories about something, and then use those vague, and ill-defined theories to justify something that, to me, seems completely illogical. Maybe it's because for all my spirituality, I also believe in the psychological explanations behind what we experience. Sure, some would claim my beliefs are the same way, and guess what, I don't care! I know me enough to be secure in my beliefs. If they question me, I'll answer them honestly, and if they don't believe me, well then, that's that, doesn't mean I have to dislike them, or that they just wouldn't get it.
I've been friends with people who have incompatible beliefs in contrast to mine. And we used to discuss it, because we all thought it was fun, and built communication. But in the Otherkin community, there's this vibe given off that you must police what is said, because it could be hurtful. I think that attitude is ruining social interactions as a whole, as well as growth, and emotional maturity among those who partake in this misguided form of thought control.
If you can't handle someone voicing their opinion that "you're wrong" or that that's delusional, then well, I don't believe you've grown up fully yet. If your beliefs are so ingrained, and central to your being, then others disbelieving your claims shouldn't matter, as it's not going to change, and claiming its so hateful is not only childish, it's downright wrong to claim so. Especially on the internet. The internet is NO ONES safe place, and if you think it should be, then, unpopular opinion, you need to get off of it, because you're going to be in for a sore awakening.
Tell me why not being open minded to the point of having one's brain fall out is a bad thing? Why is doubting the veracity of others claims suddenly considered a sign of the unenlightened.
Tell me why, with that attitude, any line should be drawn?
When does the line end? When does it start? Why is it such a bad thing to have in the first place then?
Tell me, because I sure as hell don't get it.
I absolutely hate when Otherkin, Fictionkin, and especially Therians (I've noticed it the most in Therians) talk shit about Humans. Or act like humans are all evil. Like, sorry, you might not like it, you might not agree with it, but that doesn't change the fact that you are human. You might not wish it to be so, but it is the truth. Scientifically speaking, biologically speaking, neurologically speaking it's the truth. And by denying that truth, you are stunting your own growth as a person. And just because you are human doesn't mean your beliefs have to change. So your past life wasn't human, okay, so in a different world you're not human, sure, but in this one, as unfortunate as it may be, you are human, and there's nothing wrong with that.
And I will die on this slope, but MOST minors these days who join this community are misguided, peer pressured into it, or are doing it for attention, or affection.
Wow. This day took a weird turn.
As I may have mentioned once or twice around here before, we own a boat. It's nothing big and fancy, it's pretty small, but it's fun. We went to a nearby creek today with the boat and even tried to catch some fish (I'm not exactly very good at fishing but Dad wasn't giving me much of a choice about it.) It was hot and humid, but it was also a bit foggy as a result which made things quite pretty. Things would end up being fine, surely.
... Or so I thought.
Let me just start from the beginning. We get there, throw the boat in the creek and work on getting it set up when my dad noticed something was a bit off. See, there's a hole in the back that you can open when it rains so all the water drains out, and a plug you put in said hole when you actually want to use so water doesn't come into it. And... he forgot to plug the hole. The boat was full of water. We haven't even left the shore yet and things have already gone wrong. But thankfully he brought something we could use to easily drain the water out so we ended up being fine. Just one little hurdle, we'll be fine, the day's still good, right? The whole thing still could be worse for us. ...But for others, it was worse. And now I've been quite worried.
We finally get out there, start fishing, and aren't having any luck. That's to be expected whenever I try to fish, so I'm not too surprised. But here's where things start to get a bit weird. Two people come floating down the river. Yep, floating. Just on little floaty raft things. The two mentioned something about a friend of theirs that had come along with them, but said that his raft popped and he had gotten stranded a little ways up the creek. They were planning to make their way down to the dock and come back for him on foot. After that they just floated along their way. ... This was foreshadowing.
A little while later a large group of people with canoes come paddling down the creek with one of them having a second person sitting on the front of the canoe. Naturally I found this a little odd, as this isn't exactly normal among any canoe-paddling people that I had ever seen before. Turns out that third guy that the other two rafters had mentioned slipped on some rocks while he was stranded and hurt his knee, and canoe guy ended up picking him up. He was having issues with there being someone else on his boat (again, tiny canoe and all), so we ended up taking him and getting him back to the dock with his friends. There wasn't really anything else that we could do for him from there. I've been thinking about him ever since then, I do hope he's alright now...
We ended up staying out for a little bit longer after that, which honestly ended up being a mistake. It was only a few minutes before the storm hit. Things started getting really windy and the waves picked up and rocked us around a lot. It was a little scary honestly. By the time we got back to shore again it was pouring. My hat also blew off of my head and landed in the river at one point but thankfully I managed to save it.
So... Yeah. This was a day. Despite how badly everything went though I'm still sort of glad we went anyway, even if it was just so we could help that guy out. I guess God wanted me there for a reason? I do hope he's alright though. And I suppose there were a few other good things that happened, like the ice cream we got afterwards and some really cool wildlife I saw while I was out.
But nonetheless, I'm quite drained now and glad to be home.
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Introduction - series
Hello and welcome to my first blog post! I figured I'd set things off by beginning a sort of mini-series. Each blog post will be dedicated to each of the 'kins' I believe I have. I say 'believe I have' because that is the purpose of this series: to weed out the ones that are not, in fact, past lives (I'm a spiritual kin). I know a human, non-fictional past life does not count as a kin, but I might include that as well, since it's part of who I am, and in my mind, it's much of the same thing. In each post I will detail and narrate from the moment I first started wondering if I might be that character to today, including (but not limited to!) shifts (whether they be shifts or just my imagination) and all they include, memories, and knowledge. I shall also do my best to include both doubts and beliefs. These blog posts are all open for comment and such things from the community; indeed, it is the sole purpose of posting this here. I'd like feedback and your thoughts, as well as help to try and figure out why these characters call out to me, if they're not a past life (for there is a reason I'm called to them all).
Introduction - today's character
Today we - that is, I - tackle my Awakening and the first character I truly felt a resonance with. It is a character I believe you should be familiar with, solely because of the widespread memes. My introduction to kin was, indeed, the Grinch. To be more specific, the 2018 animated version - I feel no connection to the other Grinches. This is one of my strongest kins, and one of the few I am quite sure is, indeed, me. The reason I have Grinch in this series is truly only to include all my kins, and to sort out what I know, what I think, and what I believe.
By the time I saw the Grinch (mid-November, 2018) I was already aware of what it meant to be kin. I had recently made somewhat-close friends with a fictkin, and they’d taken the time to patiently explain to me what it meant. I believed in it – I’ve always had an open mind – accepted it, and moved on.
Already before I saw the movie I knew I was going to enjoy it. I had never really liked the live-action version (I felt the Grinch was too… crude – in a way, almost too angry), but something about this animated version called out to me. When I saw the movie, however, there was an almost instant sense of recognition. Not only because I was familiar with the plot, thanks to the live-action movie, but also because of everything that happened and existed and surrounded the main story. It felt somewhat intimate, in a way, as though I was watching a movie about myself (without quite realizing it, personally). The breaking moment, I think, was when Grinch had the panic attack on-screen. I’ve struggled with them for some time myself, and although that is not a kin thing at all, it felt intimately familiar to me.
When I exited the theatre I was shaken. Already there was a teeny tiny sliver of thought in me that the Grinch might be me, but I dismissed the idea as foolish. Once I got home, the first thing I did was start to rant and ramble about the movie with some friends of mine. Looking back at it now, I realize I was far more touched than I let on, and that I led that bleed into my words. I was already saying things that were far from headcanons (because I knew them, in my heart, to be true) and still things that had not been mentioned in the movie.
If you know me even just a tiny bit, you know how much I love my angst. I love writing it, I cope by writing it, and it’s a calming and amusing (to the extent paining others can be…) passion for me. So of course, after seeing the movie (and filled with so many thoughts!) I went ahead and wrote an angsty fanfiction. I was certain the Grinch had a name other than ‘Grinch’, and settled on Felix (I have later, through meditation, figured it out to be Louis, or Lewis, or Louie, or something similar). By the time I came half-way through the fic, however, I nearly had to stop. It was getting to me in a way no angst had ever gotten to me before. This was when the suspicions started to settle for real – it felt, time and time again, like I would slip into first person while writing. I was not writing about a fictional character. I was writing about myself.
I got flashes of almost-memories, things I was certain were true. I browsed ‘the grinch’ on the Internet, and lots of what I found felt… wrong, to me. This comes from me, who generally accepts pretty much anything in regards to fandom. With the Grinch, however, I would look at a gay pairing and go “…no? That’s not even right.” As for Donna, I didn’t ship her and the Grinch. I knew they had married. I craved salty food more than usual, and found Christmas lights and trees to be a trigger for my panic attacks. I was grumpier than usual, and my body dysphoria increased.
The doubts plaguing me heavily went thusly:
- It’s the Grinch. He’s supposed to be relatable.
- He’s such a meme-y character? I’m just relating.
- Due to my own experience with panic attacks I’m projecting and seeing myself in him.
- I’m just looking for attention after a gap of not having it.
Yet still, I carried the nagging sense that this is me. I am him. He is me. We are the same.
I kinfirmed a week or so after seeing the movie. It felt right.
I went and bought a furry shirt in an achingly familiar color. When I put it on and looked at my own arms I felt alive.
I rediscovered many memories and knowledge later on, sometimes through meditation and sometimes through other things. The things that proved consistent were that I still felt like looking at myself through it all. Also that whenever I found headcanons or fanart or ideas on the internet, I either went “What? How would anyone think that? That’s wrong…?” or “Yes! That’s so right! That’s exactly what it’s like!”
I have never sought out the movie as though it were a lifeline or an anchor. It has been a thing I could enjoy, and then put aside, and not really think much about – except that I remained the same through it all. I’m not in the Grinch fandom. I rarely interacted with content. I don’t really like the movie, in the way I like my favorite movies.
I’ve had few Grinch shifts after I first Awakened, but they’ve all felt the same way. Like I’m still me – just a little different.
Alrighty, well, it’s been a while since I made my last post and I think I’ve got plenty of things to talk about, since plenty of things happened in the recent days. It’s mostly psychology though with some things left out, because otherwise I wouldn’t get done writing this in days. Obviously this is pretty personal and as you can see, long.
After posting the last entry, I’ve been struck with anxiety. It’s one of those occasions where you post something, and all you can do is to put that palm on your face and dramatically ask yourself what you’ve done. I don’t know, that always used to be an issue for me. Well, as of a few days ago, I'm hoping that this is no more.
Context, insights and conclusions
Now, I brought up anxiety, and that is where it all started. Along with it, more information and insights followed suit in relatively rapid succession. The realization that I had anxiety in the first place was pretty important because, how do you act against something you don’t even acknowledge? There also used to be a personal conundrum I and someone relevant have been wondering about. I told them that I felt like there’s some sort of wall in my chest, and whatever is behind said wall, it really wants to get out and has the potential of bringing about great change, whatever that means. I was asked to think about what that wall is, that was earlier this year and I could never put my finger on it. With realizing that I’ve got anxiety, I think I not only found out what that “wall” is, but also managed to damage it.
It sounds strange that you wouldn’t know about these things, especially when you’re pretty introspective already. I actually don’t think it was a lack of awareness, I think it was a somehow deliberate but unconscious choice to deny it. I wouldn’t know why, perhaps it’s just the nature of such things, to make you deceive yourself and ignore the fundamental truth, like a parasite attempting to preserve its place in its host.
Anyway, I’ve been in this messy situation for a very, very long time spanning multiple years. It all started out when I was released from a dorm, for lack of a better word, where I was sent because I had lots of bad experiences and horrible climates that I couldn’t handle, both in school and at home, which had the side-effect of me missing almost a total of two years from school. The department responsible for difficult kids like yours truly saw it necessary to send me there, neither I nor my parents had any say in that.
The dorm was like a second home, its people like a second family when I left after four years. I had no friends back at my actual home, I was dropped into another sequence of bad experiences and my contact with my old environment cut off fairly rapidly. Back then I solely relied on this supportive environment to give me confidence and self-worth, something I didn’t have here, which meant that I allowed fears to fester and grow. Enough that it got completely out of hand.
For the longest time, I’ve not even been a fraction of my former self. Young me was charismatic, intelligent, well spoken, easily made all sorts of friends, was highly reliable, an inspiration to some and an active influencer, someone with brimming potential to excel in more ways than just one. Compare that to my shy, perpetually intimidated, fragile, isolating, silent and aimless self that had holes in his memory left and right and took ages to finish a sentence, it becomes a difference between day and night. It weren’t the friends I’ve lost, they had moved on as everyone does and I’ve let them, it was myself that was the biggest loss.
Fear completely consumed me just a few years after I got home, it was a lingering process and I’ve not always been this introspective, so this wasn’t something I could easily detect on my own. It got to the point where I not just censored what I said and wrote, I censored my being, or what’s left of it. I became bitter, frustrated, I got angry easily, at the later stages I’ve almost gone bonkers in certain periods.
This censorship came with another consequence that had the ability to fester, and it was a belief. I looked at my old image album the dorm gave me before my departure, and the thought was that young me was dead, gone, and that I have to carry on as someone else. I became so convinced that people can change on such an incredibly fundamental level that, in the end, what’s left is a completely different identity with only name and appearance being a reminder of old days. Now, I could’ve just looked at my brother and reminded myself that he’s been a dork, same as ever, but it would only occur to me later when I took a step back and analyzed the big picture that was my past. Therein I saw patterns, sets of behaviors and actions that repeated themselves in both the recent and distant past, which clearly are all part of a whole identity, proving my bizarre beliefs wrong.
While it’s great to have realized this, there are more questions to answer and more problems to solve, one of which was a deep passion that I’ve lacked for the longest time, one that would serve as a compass which I could use throughout life, perhaps to create a fulfilling one. I do have hobbies, but those are means to keep the insanity at bay, I never understood the obsession with trying to turn a hobby into a job and I’m not sure I could handle most of my hobbies if they were jobs. I looked back at my previous post and what I wrote, that I should live and not idly ponder because it only gets me this far. I still stand true to it, but I decided to expand on the living part, and instead of just living, I wanted to know how I used to live.
That’s where another problem was solved and such a “compass” was found. Throughout life, I’ve been someone to take initiative, a doer. If I didn’t like something, I went and fixed it myself. Frankly I have the habit of being dissatisfied with a lot, and although that might sound like a negative trait, it can be harnessed. Not just that, but by looking back I’ve also seen that on a few occasions I’ve demonstrated an affinity for leadership. What’s more is that I’ve been incredibly passionate about these things whenever I had a chance to combine and exercise them, a kind of passion that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in myself. I think the reason why I never thought of it before was simply my complete lack of self-worth and confidence.
What this revelation had was meaning, and so I move on to another potentially closed chapter. In my previous post I might have mentioned that whatever I set out to do in order to improve things for myself, like a schedule, it always came to a sudden stop. Well, when life is bereft of meaning, how could it not? I had the will to improve, but what for? That is where the dots slowly stop connecting, but I did notice one more thing which helps me with the aforementioned, and that are the steps I took in order to get where I was before everything went to hell. I think they’re replicable to some extent, and it will require a whole lot of patience and persistent work, but I think after all these years I should have patience aplenty.
Now, lastly, I’ve been thinking about this self-finding I constantly wrote about. Based on what I wrote before, that I just thought myself dead, I don’t think finding the self was actually my intention. I think I wanted to find something that was inherently not me, something better than me, that could give me the strength to carry on. Now where I’ve had all these thoughts, I’ve not been feeling the urge to find anything at all. Doesn’t mean that I think there aren’t “other” things to find, and I have reasons to suspect that I have, but everything in due time. I think before I seriously start with that, I should take care of what’s vital: the big part of myself I've disassociated from and abandoned, which ultimately caused so much damage.
My emotional landscape definitely did change a lot. In a very, very weird way that I just can’t really describe, because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. So, most of the time I experience emotional distance now, but not in the sense that I’m emotionally dead, but rather that I don’t feel the weight of them in my chest. I can still sense them in a way, but not quite “feel” them, it’s more of a faint awareness rather than an urge or compulsion. At least in the majority of cases, certain anger for example can still be felt, but even that dissipates fairly quickly. That emotional change is especially true for music. It used to have huge emotional impact on me, the main reason why I appreciated it so much, but now I don’t really feel anything anymore, only in seemingly random, weak and very short bursts. I still appreciate it loads though, but I have no idea how or why. I don’t really understand what’s happened here.
What’s more is that every move I make is infused with a goal, meaning if you will, unlike before. I can go about my self-imposed duties without the thought of "why am I doing this?". My fluency in language has returned to me somewhat, no idea how that happened, but it's great to have regardless. I’ve gained back a degree of confidence I’ve not seen in a while and I have this really strange determination. It used to be that, if I would have to talk to important people, high standing members of a company or institution, I’d be getting plenty nervous. It’s just gone now. Mostly. Of course, anxiety is still a thing, but I think I have it on a relatively firm leash now.
Now, I can’t tell whether these changes are permanent, although I certainly do hope so because they’re nothing but positive. “False positives” usually only last a day or two, after which the effects will disappear, and I had that a lot. In this instance though, these effects have lasted much longer now and only fluctuate seemingly randomly but never disappear.
A glimpse at the future
The word “future” was missing in my vocabulary for far too many years, life was nothing but a river with a fast current, and I’ve been in the middle of it all, not caring where it goes. Well I think that changed now.
My educational status and qualifications are fairly low, making it very difficult to find “satisfying” occupation where I can actually do something more profound, but I have looked at possibilities to change that, perhaps to even get far enough to be permitted to study. I have made vague plans already that I’d like to flesh out over the coming months and execute sometime next year, working on other aspects of myself in the meantime. There are also plans to get among people again with certain meets and by finding myself some local communities.
Not every problem is fixed, it's not just rainbow and pixie dust from now on and I can see a plenitude of hurdles to overcome before I remotely get where I'd like to stand, but over these last three years I've only made progress and if I'm correct in my faith and in my assessment, this might well be the start of a significant turning point. Of course, there's no guarantee that a 180 won't happen again, but I choose to believe that it won't come to that.
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We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay.
When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try.
Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing.
I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see.
Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.
May you be blessed and loved, -Beast
About time I made another blog entry!
Today I've found myself stuck in a bit of an art block. so when I sat down to work on stuff I ended up just doodling, then (as I sometimes do when I'm stuck in the inspired-but-blocked mood), I had a little look through my past drawings - all the things I've sketched but never done anything with, which I have a lot of.
Art's a big part of my life. It's a hobby, but also a way to deal with and explore my emotions. And there's a pretty big difference between my vent art and normal art - stuff for venting is rough, messy, surreal, abstract and heavy on symbolism. It's nothing like anything I've ever shared on here. Honestly, I rarely share my vent art at all. Most of the time I don't even save it, but occasionally I'll make something that feels right and keep it for posterity. These images represent a very personal and true expression of what goes on inside my head - sometimes it's things related to my mental health, or life events, but I've used it to work through spiritual confusion and fear as well.
It's a real shame all my blog posts from the old site have been purged. There was a lot in there from times where I was still figuring all this stuff out... and it was a very hard time for me, don't get me wrong. My mental health was much worse than it is now, and a lot of the things I experienced were a source of... genuine existential terror for me. Sounds dramatic, but... that's truly what it felt like. And that feeling hasn't exactly gone anywhere, but gradually I'm learning to frame it in ways that make it easier to work with, and not letting it rule my mind as much as it used to. It would've been nice to still have records from when I was working through this stuff. Don't think I would've felt right making backups anywhere though, so... eh.
All that to say... my "relationship" with my spiritual self can get ugly sometimes. My interpretation of it has never been flattering. Even at the best of times, it's still a monster to me.
So there's times where I feel more in-tune with that side of me, and I have to work it out somehow, so I'll turn to art. And... the things I draw at those times, while confusing and sometimes a little scary, definitely feel most representative of what I truly am. And... I never view those representations as a negative. Might look like something out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, but it feels "right" to me - and that feeling is comforting. Even though I don't always enjoy being a spirit entity, I'm long past the point of trying to distance myself from that identity (it's... never went well, the times I did try to do that). I'd rather embrace it, with all the weirdness and confusion it entails.
What I end up with are basically... objectively bizarre or, in their own ways, kinda horrifying representations of myself - that also, in an almost contradictory way, help me parse that side of myself in a way that makes me feel more understanding of it, and even more at peace with it. In the end, when I say I'm scary or that I'm a monster, I don't mean it to say that I don't like myself or that I'd ever want to change. It certainly doesn't mean I feel, on any level, malevolent or dangerous. I just know that, from a human perspective, the true way to represent my spiritual self would be as something surreal, alien and... yeah, really damn scary. Representing myself in that way feels right. That kind of self-expression is really important to me as a person.
Today, while I was trawling through my old art files, I found something that really struck a chord. I can't remember when I did it, so it must've been a while back. And... yeah, it's strange, but looking at a big black squiggly mess, I felt more like... "yeah, this is me" than I ever have towards any normal drawing I've tried to make to express this side of me. It feels a bit weird to share this art, since I don't usually show people this sorta thing, but... it feels important, so I want to share it somewhere. Where better than here? Specifically this is a representation of... kinda the line between my spiritual self, my current identity and my headmates (who are psychological, and hypothetically share the same "soul"/spiritual core as I have).
I dunno what people will make of this, or if anyone cares, but... yeah. Surreal, shitty symbolic vent art. Yep, it's really something.
God, sharing this stuff feels like how I imagine it'd feel to hand someone my diary, if I kept a diary.
Species: catnine (catlike canine hybrid)
Status: main sona (formerly), status to-be-determined
species: Dutch angel dragon
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Recent EntriesLatest Entry
Shoutout and welcome back to K1-b0!
He was absent for about three weeks, and I was concerned he had left the system completely, but today he reappeared. Him coming back was slow, gradual, and I doubted he would make it past his quiet co-conscious state, but to my pleasant surprise, he came closer and closer until he took front. I am so proud of K1-b0 for returning, for despite my skepticism of his mere existence while he was away and while we were co-con, he was able to regain confidence and present as himself shamelessly, and I was able to let him.
Part of his confidence boost was thanks to our new friend, who we were concerned would not accept him, but thankfully did. While K1-b0 was co-con and I was openly inviting him to front, I warned our friend that K1-b0 was present with me, separate from me, and might front and want to be recognized. I stressed a bunch that they would not accept me or K1-b0 and recognize us as us and that it would send K1-b0 back into dormancy, but... Thankfully, the fear was unnecessary. This friend - who was already kin friendly - was kind enough recognize us as separate individuals and spoke to K1-b0 as his own individual when he did take front and announced himself to them.
So, K1-b0 had a warm welcome to front. He was able to enjoy socializing with a new friend, and most of all he got to enjoy being himself. But aside from just being happy that he has returned, I am especially thankful for what he did in front. While in front, K1-b0 soon got up, full of motivation and energy, and took it upon himself to do chores. He started laundry, cleaned up the bedroom, and then fed the body a proper meal. Without him using his time, energy, and motivation in front to do these helpful things, I may not have done any of it. I very likely would have just had another depressed, unproductive day with more skipped meals. I was exhausted after he stepped out of front, but I was still moved enough by his efforts that I have continued his work, and I'm taking better care of myself and my surrounding, all thanks to K1-b0.
So thank you, deeply, K1-b0, and welcome back.
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Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not; But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~
I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3
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Otherkin Volg 3
I had just realized I haven't done this in a while... But having parents that do not support me in almost anything, sucks....
I try to be nice, I try to be a good child.... But I just suck.... if I were them, I would have sold me to a orphanage already.
my parents found out about kinmunity.... it did not end well. I do not like talking about it, unless its with someone privately... But I will say, that I hate them. They are stressful.. and a pain in the ass. My mom took half of my room, and "cleaned" it then through away things that I did not want her too. She didn't ask me if she could through somethings away.... but she did anyway. She sucks the life out of me. I help her with her anxiety, I do lots of things for her, but she still treats me like shit.
I cannot wait to leave my house. As soon as I am 17 I am out of there.
Sorry... this post was more a vent then a volg entry...
10:54 AM ~ 5/21/2019