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  1. Phase
    Latest Entry

    Honestly, I am a melanistic jaguar. There's something about the coloration that resonates with me and something that I have noticed about dreams. The issue with this is I don't want to admit it. An overwhelming amount of "black panthers" can't even tell if they're a jaguar or leopard. A lot of them seem to think of black jaguars & leopards being a separate species altogether. I can never take them seriously.

    Theriotype appearance is a non-issue in general. But this is about what my mind gravitates to when not forced to view myself as a classic golden jaguar with rosettes that catch the eye. Nope. I'm a black jaguar with faint rosettes. I'm perfectly content either way. I'm not a panther/black panther, though. I refuse to be lumped in with those kinds of "therians/weres" who can't even tell what they are and think of black panthers as their own subspecies.

  2. Ruko's Log

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    I do not leave the house frequently, but due to my friend Emie visiting from Norway we have been visiting some of the locations locally for sight seeing and various shops to browse, one of these such shops was a rather old antique shop. Built in the 1800's, these Victorian buildings aren't uncommon where I live, but it was more what it housed within that created an unexpected reaction.

    For those unaware, I (that is, my fictotype within the DL canon) am known for collecting silverware, cutlery and the like, for I enjoy it's form, composure and elegance. I 'here' have a much lessened interest, to that of a mild appreciation, rather than a fixated adoration. Because of this, I admit at times have felt rather saddened at the aspect of contrasting tastes, due to the fact I have had a fan once talk to me as if my arousal for cutlery still remained, and I had to disappoint.
    This is somewhat why I was a little confused and shaken by the reaction I had within this antique's shop upon finding myself in a section purely dedicated to that of silverware.

    Honestly, the amount of knives and forks that covered every surface, filled every draw to the brim was something to behold. I never thought I'd be enraptured by so many pieces of table instruments yet there I was; at first enjoying the browsing of the shop, yet then stricken by a jarring sensation of disruption of self. Words will fail to capture the utter dissonance of thoughts that went through me as my eyes gazed over the many knives and forks, a sensation pushed forward from depths of unknown proclaiming "I have done this before" yet the images showing hands not belonging to this body. Singular gloved and a darker room, mahogany table and intricate items. The images felt as if they 'could' be a memory, yet they felt unbelonging to this brain, an imprint from an other place, one not meant for this world yet tapped into through erroneous strings of tangled fate.
    I was not so shaken I couldn't remain, yet I still felt overwhelmed, and part of me gave words of caution to leave sooner rather than further subject myself to the environment. For what reason? Unsure. There's always a sense of breaking reality when it comes to my fictionkin experiences, to be moving through actions and processes that are reserved for fiction, rather than this reality. It feels 'wrong', on some level, yet also the only way it can be.
    Something to think about, I suppose.

  3. Addy
    Latest Entry

    I dunno how many people read this blog. There have been quite a few views, but those could also just be guests. Guests make me very nervous. This is another heavy blog post, but I just dunno what else to do right now. Just in case anyone does read it, does anyone have or has anyone ever had contact with spirits before? Does anyone know the best method of communication? I've been using a pendulum, but I know they can be very unreliable. Its just the only source of comfort I have right now. I know you can subconsciously move it yourself, but it also stops moving when I ask him to make it stop. And I dunno how I could stop it when my hands are shaking so badly.

    I've been hearing thoughts that sounds exactly like things he would say to me. Sometime I just sit and talk to him, because I want so badly to believe hes here with me and hes not really gone forever. Last night, I heard a thought that told me to take my sleeping pills around 2am, cause I'd been avoiding going to bed. And I said "Okay, I'll take them." and I heard the thought "Good girl." That is something only he has ever said to me, when I'd do something he told me to do.

    I miss him so much. I don't want him to be gone forever. His sister texted me today, asking if there was anything I wanted from his apartment, to remember him by. I got the text late because I was sleeping so long. But I responded, she just hasn't texted me back yet. Every time I think I'm okay, I just start crying again. Everyone says it will get easier, but right now I don't believe that. He was my best friend. He was the only person who could accept everything about me. The soulbonding, the kin stuff, everything. He accepted it all and he loved me.

    I haven't wanted to do anything at all. I'd been playing Rift every day, but now I don't want to. I know he'd tell me to just do it anyway. Last night I couldn't get comfortable sitting here, cause my back hurt so much, and I made a comment out loud about not being able to get comfortable, and I heard the thought "Stop it!" He used to always say that to me, every time something was wrong. If I was cold or sick or in pain, he would always just say "Stop it!" Its so hard to do anything.

    I avoid going to bed at night, until I'm so exhausted I just fall asleep immediately, because I don't want to lay awake and think about him. And then I don't want to wake up and have to deal with this pain all over again. People have been trying so hard to help me through this, and I'm glad I have people to talk to, so I'm not totally alone. But I still feel so lonely. I don't think I really believe the pendulum works, but it brings me a tiny shred of comfort. Just thinking that he could be here with me in some way.

     

  4. It does, and not just because it’s my birthday today, I was like this all yesterday as well.

    I’ve felt strange, just so out of place both at work and at home. Those feelings of being adopted have come back to the surface alongside that, which really tries to dampen my day.

    I guess sometimes it went into near-dissociative experiences at work, being here but not here, my mind was probably a lot more inwardly focused than I thought. I miss my home, I miss being home, to an extent my shifting has gone back and forth on a scale. Here one moment and gone the next, heh, and it’s always so much more prominent when I go shooting - not my fault some of the beams still look low enough to hit my head on. That’s always an odd kind of shift, I guess. Being inches taller than I actually am.

    It’s just a pull, a tug, but it’s still there regardless.

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    I've been busy, I'll say that. Finally finished some post-work call paperwork and got a bit of sleep after working through yesterday and the night before, and I'll be in the city again for about 24 hours tomorrow for work again. All in all, I really need to move there to cut down on how much I need to travel for work, it's getting brutal. But, the blues of rent being costly. We'll see where it goes.

    With being busy, I've set a lot of things that are important to me off to the side, shut down a lot of feeling in terms of them. My nonhumanity is included in that, a theatre technician is expected to be human after all. Well, an android can hang some lights and program some show files, but I doubt a Marowak can. So, human is the goal as of right now. And it seems to be working, aside from the ever-present dysphoria, but I'm used to having to ignore that anyways.

    Either way, I seem to be failing my obligations otherwise, my life is almost completely focused on work right now. Non-stop, heh, the way I like it. 

    We'll see where this goes.

  5. (I had one lyric about pendulums, and I already used it on the forum, sadly.)

     

    I'm not usually one who follows ideas of "divination" and "spirits" and "magick" and all that stuff. I feel like an idiot when I'm making use of my mini-shrine trying to communicate with Pan, and that's just talking. I never thought about going beyond that, really. But when I was discussing some of my theories on Discord, somebody suggested using a pendulum for communication, after warding it. I thought to myself, hey, why the hell not? The worst case scenario is that nothing comes from it. So as long as I'm ready to take everything I find with a huge pinch of salt, I should be OK. With that in mind, I did a little bit of research and gave it a try.

     

    I used a turquoise necklace I already had as my pendulum, and "warded" it using incense and focusing on the purpose I had in mind. That part felt kind of silly, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. After warding, I established that I was trying to talk to Pan, and determined what meant "yes" and "no" both by asking and by trying some questions that I already knew the answers to. Once I was satisfied, I started asking about my past life, and that's where things got interesting. Again, everything should come with a big pinch of salt.

     

    Assuming I was actually communicating with Pan, he told me that contrary to my working theory, I was not a victim of transformation in my past life. He said I was a faun in that life, but oddly, I was born as a centaur. So that was weird. I then established that I was some manner of shapeshifter. Furthermore, my past life father was a shapeshifter too, and an immortal one at that, but not a god or a titan. My past life mother, meanwhile, was a mortal, though I didn't ask if she was human. Finally, Pan revealed that I was a student of his in my past life, but that we met later in that life when I came looking for him. That was all I could get before he was finished answering questions.

     

    Obviously I'm not taking any of this at face value, and I plan to do it again soon to try to "verify" the phenomenon. But it's still interesting to think about what this could mean if it's true. The biggest question I'm left with is, what's immortal and a shapeshifter but not a god or titan? Limiting myself just to Greek mythology, I found a few possibilities. First up is Phobetor, a personification of dreaming that could appear in the mortal world in the forms of animals and could change his form at will. Whether Phobetor qualifies as a god seems to be hazy based on my very little research, so it's quite possible that Pan wouldn't consider him one, even if he was immortal. Proteus is another interesting possibility; he was more likely to be called a god than Phobetor, but he was known to change form often. Those are the two obvious things I found, but I also found myself drawn to Typhon for some reason. I described him in a prior entry; he's not a god or a shapeshifter, but he is immortal and has been shown with various animal parts. I dunno.

     

    I'm not going to put too much stock into this before doing a bit more to verify things, of course. But it is interesting to think about. It really did seem like the pendulum was working, though I realize it responds to hand movements. Perhaps next time I'll try doing it without holding the pendulum myself. I'll write more if anything else comes up. In the meantime, I am intrigued about the possibilities, and especially Phobetor given how well he seems to match what I "learned."

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    Emi Ikrani
    Latest Entry

    One thing I've noticed since being open about my fictionkin identity is the immediate 'are you sure you're not a ___?' response. I understand this completely, and whenever a creature was mentioned I would do my best to look into it. Thing is... it kept going. I would be writing essays upon essays about how I felt and why I am a banshee, but still someone would ask if I was a dragon or a bird instead. I've gone through pterosaurs, dragons, dinosaurs, sea creatures, birds, reptiles and so much more, yet apparently it's not enough. Even close friends - who have followed me through my otherkin journey - have asked if I'm sure I'm a banshee just because something similar exists on earth. It feels like everyone doesn't believe me, even when I pour my soul out in writings to show them what I feel and why I believe what I do. I've had many labels throughout the years but not a single one has fit like the ikran. I am undoubtedly an ikran on all inner levels, at least as far as I can see myself.

    I know people are just trying to make sure I've put thought into my identity before I claimed something, but I would have thought that my constant blogging would have been satisfactory for them. What do people want? A full novel about how I'm not a Pteranodon, a comic book about my past incorrect feelings of being a dragon, or a six part movie series about my struggles to define whether I was a bird or not? I share whatever I can when I can yet it's still "okay but what if you're NOT fictionkin..." and it becomes a cycle. People say 'are you this instead?' and I have to link them to four month old essays in which I address that. Someone else asks a similar question and I have to show them a blog post from a year ago addressing THAT question. I just can't say I am these things they tell me I could be - I've been ashamed of being fictionkin before because of online harassment so I deliberately sought out Earthly creatures I could 'pose' as. None fit.

    I have never felt so sure of myself. Instead of forcing myself to identify as a pterosaur or some type of bird, I am embracing what feels natural, right, and logical. I'm not a microraptor, I'm not a Quetzalcoatlus I'm not a dragon, I'm not a manta ray, and I'm not a macaw. I am Pterodactylus giganteus - a mountain banshee.

  6. So, as I mentioned in my reflection on 3 years entry, recently I discovered that I do, in fact, believe I can have memories from Lucifer. Obviously nothing in the parallel overlap, but recent experience has opened me to the possibility that the rest of that longer history is available to me in this life. Honestly, memories are one of those experiences that I have always been highly skeptical of. I know myself, my imagination, and I can easily recognize the differences between that and getting them mixed up with a memory of another time and place.

    So when I did suddenly get a memory of another time and place, my brain tried to panic. I'm not comfortable sharing the exact details of that memory at this time (suffice to say that it took place during the process of my Fall), but afterwards I immediately recognized the differences between it and my imagination. I experienced it as a flashback, triggered by an emotional mental shift. It happened in the middle of the day, when I was awake, not tired or in a dream. I was lying down, because I do that sometimes to process the emotions I end up feeling during a mental shift. I'm glad that I was in that position, because the experience was frightening and sudden. As I was thinking, processing my emotions, suddenly something changed. I was frozen in place, and images I could not control overrode what I had been imagining and thinking about. It shifted into first person, and the memory itself lasted maybe 10-15 seconds, lacking sound, just full of emotion and clear images. In my state of temporary paralysis, my brain was on fire in the background, screaming at me that this couldn't be real, I didn't want it to be real, fueling a fear towards the memory even though the idea of it had not scared me before.

    When I could move again, I was troubled, still in a strong mental shift, and quickly wrote down everything that I had seen and felt in and after the moment. My handwriting was altered, and it took a conscious, slow effort to write in my usual handwriting. I have other examples of normal handwriting from when I got up in the middle of the night and wrote down a dream, so I know what my handwriting looks like even when it is scribbled fast and in a half-asleep state. This was not that.

    Even now, almost a month after this experience, I still find myself constantly shifty and still thinking about it. I never sought out the memory, I am not interested in actively seeking out more. I would prefer that Lucifer's major emotional baggage stayed on his side of the line, but seeing as that's apparently not the case, it also has me vaguely worried for the future. I know my other self, and I know (even if I don't actively remember) that there are many memories I don't want back.

    This has been thoughts from a shifty Lucifer.

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    As the title suggests, it's naptime. For the kids, sadly not me. They are all asleep and it's nice and quite. It gives me time to think and get a few personal, as well as professional, things done. Today, I'm colouring a picture for a challenge a friend created. You take a box of Crayola crayons and do an entire art piece. I'm not the best, but I love to doodle and draw. 

     

    A lovely Autumn scene for this lovely Autumn Thursday.

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    Tick tock tick tock the clock is counting down. Tick tock tick tock and soon the earth will drown.  Tick tock tock tick no more suffering will resound. Tock tick tick tock without humans nature will rebound.

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