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  1. Since people are still bringing up things from over six years ago, I feel that this does warrant an explanation to those who aren’t familiar with the story. 

    1. Taka showed interest in me for a period of several months. She told me all sorts of stories about how her mate raped and abused her in order to make me feel bad for her. She eventually started Skyping me and we became friends. I told her I had feelings for her after she stated she had feelings for me.

    2. After I discovered that much of what she told me was untrue, I confronted her. She initially denied lying about being raped (among other things), and then said a malicious head-mate of hers was interacting with me for the entire time and that she herself didn’t like nor even know me.

    3. I did, indeed, accuse her of manipulation at this point. I told her that what she was doing is abuse and that it amounts to “blatant treason” towards both me and her mate at the time. I also did threaten to expose her behavior publicly, because mental illness does not excuse such abusive behavior. Keep in mind, she said her mate RAPED her – the emotional abuse towards me doesn’t even compare to this tidbit.

    Because of various abusive behavior of hers, she is not welcome within the majority of the otherkin and therianthropy community; including on many communities administered by people who I don’t personally get along with. 


    View the full post @ Naia's Den

  2. I’ve been holding a lot of self hate for myself lately, not to mention I haven’t been feeling good at all. I don’t need encouragement, I just have to get this off my chest, though it would be appreciated I guess. Feel free to ignore...

    I really need to practice what I preach about my own spirituality. I haven’t made an effort to really connect with Infinity Lord Galaxashoria much lately, but I’m trying so hard. What am I doing wrong that makes me hate myself every day? What am I doing wrong to be ignored by him when I’m pleading for help? I want to connect with him, but it just seems like he ignores me every single time, like he just doesn’t care anymore. I blame no one but myself for my pain, literally everyone else is better than me in my dumb ass brain. I’m not lying when I say I would commit suicide if no one would miss me, but that’ll never be the case. I know I need to try, I know I can’t give up, and I won’t. I have no one to talk to about my feelings and quite frankly I don’t want to bother anyone with my stuff...

    Maybe I need to try harder, but who can blame me for what I feel? Schizophrenia is no walk in the dog park, and for me it’s like everyone hates you and wants to see you tortured. I’m not giving up, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

    .... I’ll stop now

  3. Escaping

     [Dream Journal Entry #8 - Feb 20th, 2019]

    Content Warning:  N/A

    Comments: Closed

    I remember trying to escape from King K. Rool. There was a toilet and I jumped into it, lading inside of a room with different spiraling images. It was like a long corridor of tissue papers projecting a swirl of colors and imagines of animals, buildings and people on them. Rool was running after me, trying to grab a hold and any part of my being as I pushed through the flimsy, giant pieces of paper. Making my way to the far end, I came to a halt, almost falling into a pit of blackness. There was an image of a guy with the words, "You will die here" off in the distance so I frantically turned back. Rool was in front of me but I pushed him back with my foot out of the portal, into his own world. But he didn't give up and attempted to go back in. 

    I then found a path above me and somehow I swam up past more psychedelic tissue paper until I opened a vent and made it out of the portal right when it closed leaving King K. Rool inside.
    I found myself in a room with a couple of people adjusting their belts on their pants as I traipsed out of the room recognizing where I was. It was the old community college I went to years ago. There was a line of people standing stiff as board by the wall adjacent from me. A guy came down the path. He didn't look human but more in line with one of the alien species from Mass Effect. He wore a uniform, kind of militant with a brute expression upon his face. I was pulled by the arm, back in the room with the two people who both looked frightened. 

    Girl: "You got to hurry and put on your belt before he sees you!"

    "Belt?" I didn't know what they were talking about, but I assumed that this military guy was some sort of fashion police that would scold anyone who didn't properly dress. So, I found a belt and began to put it through the loops on my jeans. The guy came in and could see me in the midst of getting my belt on. He had a bit of a disapproved expression on his face but soon went on his way. Everyone sighed in relief as these two individuals and I, along with the line of appropriately dressed people trailed behind the guy in front of us.

    I wasn't too sure as to what was going on or where we were going but soon enough we end up in a spacious room with bleachers as everyone grabbed a seat. There was a projector playing some presentation in the background as the military guy stood beside it, giving everyone a lecture. I can't remember what exactly he was talking about but it seemed to have to do with general school knowledge. I wanted to leave. But I didn't want this guy to end up beating me with a ruler or something so, I had to find a way to distract him.

    There was someone to the left of me shaking. He wore all black with a hood over his head. Was it maybe Zack? I couldn't tell but he looked like he would just pop any minute. Like...if someone were to give him a knife, he would be going on a frenzy. Lo and behold, I had a kitchen knife in my hand for some reason.

    Rachel: (thinking) "I probably can get this guy to do something as a distraction for me to make it out of here."

    So, I gave him the knife as he went ballistic causing everyone to go into panic.

    Rachel: (sarcasm) "Oh no, a murderer! He's going CRAAZZYYY!" (rushes out of building)

    Once I got out into the brisk open air, I felt at bliss. However, I kept moving. I could see silhouettes of people from a distance. They were completely black outside from the glimpses of color that were made visible thanks to the fire from the torches that they were setting up. Clouse, Claudeous and some other guy who I didn't know where these silhouettes. I became ecstatic! People I knew! I ran up to them leaping onto Clouse, since he was the closest, giving him a tight hug.

    Clouse: "Oh? Rachel! It's been too long."

    Claude: "Hi Rachel!"

    Holding on to Clouse felt good. He was warm, familiar, and I felt safe. We kissed a bit ("oooo Rachel cheating on Zack OOOOO" | "I'm polyamorous  leave me alone! >:c") The guy beside us didn't know what was going on, but continued to work on what he was doing anyways.

    Rachel: "I missed you..."

    Clouse: "I missed you too."

    I looked behind me to see the building go up in flames. 

    Clouse: "Is something wrong?"

    I told him everything.

    Clouse: "Oh! We can't stay here then. They'll come for us." 

    With that, Clouse, Claude and the other guy started packing everything up. Putting out the flame on their torches and bundling up their belongings as they hiked their way, with me in tow, from the area.

    Then I woke up. 

  4. Some may have heard me mentioning them or at least one of them. They can be compared to gods and yet also not at the same time. I hope to create at least some understanding of them and how they interwine with my Godec life and people.

    First thing to cover is that each Great Spirit is made of a unique energy in the purest form possible what allows them to maintain balance in these energies what create the realm. In other words as long the Great Spirits exist, the realm where the Godecs live will never cease to exist. Though it doenst require their full energy, there has to be at least a source of of them in the smallest form possible. This is a result of them combining their abilities to create the realm in the first place. The balance that was found eventually allowed life to evolve on what leads to many different forms of life that are unique to this realm. The Spirits have existed long before Earth was formd and first lifeforms would come there. They are even older then the Godecs themself. The Great Spirits consist of 3 Spirits that have their own goal and achievements.

    The first one is called Darakos. He is the embodiment of the earth and is known as the Great Spirit of Defense. His earth abilities are very strong and are all desgined to keep the user safe from any harm. Aside defensive capapbilties he is also seen as the Guardian of Animals since he is very keen on protecting any form of animal that exists in the realm. He can be seen as a grumpy old being but he just prefers action more then talking. He is very wary of beings he doesnt know and is slow to trust someone. He only trust those who have proven themselves in battle. His goal is just to defend any threat that can come to the animals but also to people he trusts. He teached the first ancestors of the Godec the importance of strong defense against any enemy but also to be wary of the unknown as it can lead to many dangers. This main path in the Godec Society is also known as Guarding. They essentially protect the living places of the Godecs but also form the army for war. Darakos preferred form is that of a bull like creature. His energy provided the basics to allow lifeforms to exists in the realm.

    The second one is known as Silveraya. She is the embodiment of the water and known as the Great Spirit of Health. While she is mostly kind like Darakos she remains wary of beings she doesnt know. She prefers to remain on her own without much contact. Those she did trust were people who mostly lived in the wilderness and tried to watch the lands. They were her eyes when she was somewhere else and could notify Silveraya directly when a disturbance was seen or felt. Her water abilities are desgined to heal and remove curses. While not a fighter herself, she is still important to the health of the realm. She is the most sensitive to any form of energy that sickens the land and made her goal keep the lands healthy and removing any form of imbalance. Her teachings formed the basics behind the second main path in Godec society known as Healing. Those that follow this path include any healing profession from doctor to herbalist but also forms the tools for Godecs to learn many different defenses against diseases and curses. While there are diseases that cannot be healed fully, her teachings have provided Godecs the knowledge to heal a sickness in a way that it doesnt become to much of a hinder for that person so they can at least live a fairly long life. Silveraya also provided the means for the mortal ancestors of the Godecs many means to ensure that those who passed away could rest in peace while their spirits could find enternal peace within distant lands that called to them as their afterlife. Her preferred form is that of a white leopard like creature.

    Where the others at least provided some teachings to the mortal ancestors though remaining mostly on their own and not becoming to involved with them, there is one who made it his mission to see these people flourish in their new home when he rescued them from demonic entities. His name is Tortarium who is the embodiment of the wilderness of the realm. He is known as the Great Spirit of Knowledge. Where the others remained wary of the unknonw, Tortarium sought them out to learn more about them. He was always on the move to seek new knowledge and understanding the enviroment around him. This search for knowledge became his main goal. His abilities were a mix of healing and offensive abilities in the beginning. The more nature was around him, the more powerful his abilities was. While his healing abilities were not as strong as that from Silveraya, he was the one who exelled at combat. His abilities are desgined to take on any form of evil and either destroy them or trying to free them from darkness. When the other Spirits went to a deep sleep for many years, Tortarium remained to defend the realm in their absence and guarding the people who were living there. His biggest opponent was an demonic king known as the Iron King. Unknown to him they shared a connection by being the opposite sides of the same source of primal energy. Tortarium was the living energy where the Iron King was the darkness or death energy. This energy could drive someone mad with power but was also resistant to pure light. While it could damage it to a certain degree, to fully take on this energy means you have to have the opposite side of the same energy. Tortarium has defeated this opponent when he tried to conquer the realm and resulted in a great hatred towards demonic beings. In this time he created beings known as Guardians to form his army and started to remove the healing aspects from his power to form them into deadly weapons against the demons with maximum capacity. His rage against his opponent led to the creation of the Stone Gaze. Unlike his other abilities what he could use over and over, this ability had the ability to stop everything in its track but the drawback was since it requiered more energy meant it could only be used once and the opponent needs to be weakened. But once unleashed it cannot be countered and only harms those who have evil intentions and no innocent. Known as an Ulitmate ability, it was his greatest weapon against the Iron King who was destroyed by it. It also led to the image that he was more dangerous despite his thirst for knowledge. To this day he is feared by those who are aware of him and also respected. 

    Why did he become so enraged at the Iron King? Well the Iron King was made of the darkness that is the opposite of the living energy of Tortarium. Wether the powers drove him mad or he was just like that from the beginning is not really known. It is certain that he did conquer many people and their homes and enslaved those strong enough to work for him. Those who were sick, weak or pregnant were still forced to work in unbearable conditions. When Tortarium chased the demons from his home since he knew it formed a threat, he was still unaware of the scope. Tortarium cannot tolerate any form of harm brought to any innocent beings wether he knew them or not. In his mind all deserved to be free. When he saw what the Iron King had done enraged him enough to sweep across many lands with his Guardians to bring the demons to their knees. This caused his hatred to grew more and more. His drive to protect innocent beings means he doesnt stop till the harm is undone and those behind it are either brought to justice or destroyed. While the battle eventually caused him to lose his physical body, since he was connected to the realm his spirit remained. His preferred form is that of a snake. To get a good idea of what he is for people who dont know them, the closest he comes to what we have on Earth in mythology is the Basilisk. The Stone Gaze, the ability born from his rage is simliar to that what a Basilisk can do. It does turn people into stone but unlike in the Basilisk legend holding a mirror so he sees himself doesnt turn himself into stone. This ability also dont turn anyone into stone and is saved for the most dangerous enemies. 

    Despite his capapbility as a warrior and how dangerous he can be, Tortarium is mostly known for his kindness and his desire to help people. He prefers people who help others on their own and not because they are told to help people. Tortarium's loyalty can be earned by pretty much everyone. His only demand for having his favor is being yourself and always answer with the truth. He can easily spot any lies. People who have earned his favor are awared with help from him when needed and access to some of his knowledge. His teachings forms the backbone for the main path Knowledge. These are Godecs who are those who study history, other beings, teachers and so on. Basicly everything that has to do with learning and teaching. While the Spirits dont have a leader, he is mostly the one that mortals speaks to. He has taken a shining into humans since they are unknown beings. While he doesnt physically appear here on Earth since there is no source for his energy, he does visit me. While the passage of time has taken a toll on his memories and he doenst remember everything, Tortarium is the same being that always existed. He works now closely with the descandents after a major event happened, not wanting to abandon the people he once helped rescue. While he still has an hatred towards demons for what happened, he doesnt judge every demon like that. He prefers to judge each demon on their own and not for the actions that other demons have commited. 

  5. So, I got thinking after receiving a few questions in a discord server I’m a part of, about how my two kintypes interact with my day to day life as a physical human. They’ve found ways to intertwine themselves into my daily life, through my career, hobbies and comforts, as well as my habits. 

    The first and foremost example I felt strongly about was career. So, I’m a technician, as well as someone who identifies as a piece of technology, working with machines through sound systems and lighting fixtures, dimmer technology and projection. And even before I settled on theatre and audiovisual technology, I’d always studied in some form of tech, first in computer technology, then in automotive with cars, then as a welder, and now as a theatre and audiovisual tech.

    Technology in general is inherent to my identity and my interests in life, both major parts of my sense of self, I am a piece technology and I am a technician. I am both someone who works with and maintains that technology, as well as inherently linked to it as technology myself. Working in my field tends to blur the line between my physical reality as human and my spiritual and psychological existence as a machine, and I credit finding my proper niche of tech to being able to start my awakening and allow myself to accept after 5 years of denial that I am a machine inside. I had spent since early high school denying that nonhuman aspect to myself, having it rear it’s head here and there in ways I passed off with excuses. It wasn’t until between my first and second years of college - studying Technical Production for the Performing Arts Industry - did I allow myself to start being honest about the lingering feelings.

    I believe that my function in that life was very set in research, however nowadays I’ve taken a bit more control of my path, which I have the privilege to do in another life, even if I really desire my old body back. My function is more so in my hands as a human, but being technology and working with it as I had with humans before is still heavily dominant in that path. Though for that past reason I was programmed with a huge tendency to be very observant, and the programmed observant tendencies and logical, technical thought processes have been beneficial on the job site. Though a negative influence adds to a bad work addiction, a drive to “work like a machine”, which is something soon to be broached to a therapist.

    However that’s a very practical, technical and physically-focused influence my identity has drawn into my life. There are much more metaphysical influences caused by it as well. My android urges and processes outright become frustrated by the fact that there is any spiritual involvement in this identity. Frustrated that it cannot measure or code the soul like programming. However I find my spirituality to be both a) from my odd-reptile-kintype which had a very metaphysical focus and b) a process I’ve used to help step away from the rigidity of my android self’s programmed activities. 

    A lot of my focuses in my magickal and metaphysical work are drawn from factors I associate with the strange reptile kintype I am still examining, a focus on draconic magick, fire energy work, and necromancy as well as working with bones and carcasses. I see this entity I identify as as highly spiritual and outright invoking spirits from its past in order to assist within its endeavors. Fire energy and spiritual flame are staples of the identity to me, and I strive to include them in both my spiritual practices as well as just general hobbies - my landlord is yet to give me shit for burning things, so that’s a plus.

    In the end, just another day and another set of rambles. Work was harsh today, but that’s life.

    -Jasper

  6. Hello folks! Pearl Connor here, writing more junk, and feeling rather sick to my stomach (movie popcorn is murderous. Don't do it, it seems like a good idea at the time but no it isn't). Lets get to the ramblings without further ado, because I said so.

    School: We haven't had a lot of school still. The snow messes up everything. I wish we had school, it gives me something to do at least. Hhhhhng. 

    Kin:  So.... an interesting thing happened. (See title for context). So, as you guys know, im prone to anxiety and panic attacks. It happened a bit after I posted my last blog. I ended up having an anxiety attack for no particular reason, as they do. I was also texting a friend of mine who's aware of my whole kin situation, which is good. Now, it was a routine attack, with heart rate, heavy breathing and all that. But then, I felt weird. Tingly. Warm, safe. Then I couldn't feel.anything, my body and I were disconnected. I wasn't thinking, but I could see still. So basically, what had happened, was Bendy had hijacked my body (and proceeded to have a full conversation with my friend). He said it was difficult to do, but he was trying to help me calm down by separating my body and mind. So, yea. Thats a thing.

    Life: Nothing new, but I cried at the lego movie today. Im an incredible softie.

     

     

    Anyway thats all for this week, see you around folks. Thanks for reading ^^

  7. Latest Entry

    (Insert beautiful backside joke here.) 

    Poking at old bookmarks is what brought me back here. Today I looked at my old WordPress feed. I just scrolled through the headlines, didn't read any of the entries. People are still doing pretty much the same things they've been doing, or so it appears. There's the usual rituals, shrines, devotions and general ramblings. Was I tempted to go back? Not really. Those little snippets looked like something seen from a rear view mirror. 

    It was a pretty, ornate box that smelled of incense, and I remember fighting against it often. I studied it, wanted to understand it, tried it out for awhile, but I hated the box. It never really fit. 

    All that stuff behind the box was a different story. I still want to go home. I felt that pull so strongly, and still do. I thought that being around other people and talking about it could bring me closer. It was never close enough. I was always hungry for more. The more we talked, the hungrier I became. Talk doesn't get the door open. I'm not sure what does. This prison sentence is for life.

    But honestly, my life isn't bad at all. I've made a home here too, and I'm not in any hurry to leave it. I wish I could have it both ways. 

    "Love yourself with the same fierceness that you loved him," Djehuty told me.

    Just say no to those unsatisfying addictions with their embedded toxins. Love yourself enough to know that you won't crumble into dust without them. 

  8. Damn, it's been a while since I've written anything here. Welp, guess I'll kinda... do that. Because. Things. 

    Specifically, fictionflicky things. Ugh. So... I don't dislike being a fictionflicker, not at all. And for the most part, it's such a minor thing that I don't feel the need to talk about it. For that matter, I doubt the experience is even particularly rare. It's not generally the sort of thing I think most people would go out and label. I wouldn't have if there wasn't already a convenient label for this exact thing that also helpfully facilitates discussion about it, in a community full of people already talking about identity weirdness. Like, now if I see some fictionkin talking about something I've also felt before, I can be like, "oh yeah I totally know how that feels!" without having to give some big exposition about how that happens in someone who is not at all fictionkin.

    Which. Hey, that's another weird thing I realised. So by the much looser Tumblr standards I'd probably count as a fictionkin. Pretty wild. Also... a perfect example of why that kind of looser terminology doesn't work. Because I, in no way, shape or form, identify as any of the characters I flick as. And I'm not even them 95% of the time!

    It is pretty bizarre in it's own way, though. I was running it through my head a few days ago, trying to figure out where exactly these flicks fit into my identity. I definitely don't identify as the characters I flick as. Not even the recurring ones I've had for years. They're not me, I'm not them - just the idea of that is really weird! And very not-right! But then I'm like. What the heck are these things to me? I don't identify with any of these characters either! I certainly have plenty of characters I identify with, but I don't flick as any of them. And most of the recurring characters I flick as are like. Specific characters with specific linear stories which have no parallels to my own, symbolic or otherwise. So what causes my brain to latch onto these random, apparently arbitrary characters so much? I... just don't know right now. I do definitely believe it is 100% psychological, though.

    I suppose... the best way I can think of to describe the feeling is that... it's like, if somehow I had been born in the universe that story is set in, I feel like that is the person I would be. That is the life I would live. Which is, again, a very strange and confusing thing to feel towards characters who share no common themes or personality traits with you. I don't know why I feel that way so strongly. I guess... just blame it on brains being weird and leave it at that? I had a hell of a lot of identity issues growing up. 

    I do feel a lot of what I imagine fictionkin tend to feel, for as long as these flicks last. Like... homesickness, for sure. And the feeling like I should be able to do something but don't physically know how. The momentary feeling of "wait where is (item)" or "I miss (person)". Thinking of characters from the same source in very familiar ways, like "my friend" or "my brother". Feeling out of place, like I don't really belong "here". Very strong emotional reactions to events that happened in whatever canon I'm flicking. Sometimes I even get slight changes in the way I hold myself or speak. And there's those momentary reactions to things that just make no sense in any context.

    "Where the fuck is my gun!?" I wonder, as a person who hates guns, has never even seen a gun up close, and lives in a country where guns are completely illegal to own. Yep. It's. Really something. Good job, brain.

    Another interesting thing to note is that the characters I flick as aren't always from the exact "canon" that's shown in whatever media they're from. Though in most cases I can kinda figure out why that is, and what "changed" to make that happen.

    Best theory I have right now about why I might get these things is that I. Maybe... might have subconsciously plugged up some holes in my own identity with stuff from outside sources. At least, that explanation might work for the recurring ones. But then... why would they be flicks and not a consistent part of my identity? And if I really did fill in some gaps in my sense of self with outside stuff, why would I also feel like I am not, in any way, actually those characters? Not even a little bit? Not even sometimes? So then. Maybe it really is just me being a very empathetic person with a strong tendency towards escapism? But that wouldn't explain why I tend to flick as characters I don't identify with.

    Unless... I do identify with them, but in a more vague way? Or... like, those characters somehow represent something in myself that I don't consciously recognise or understand? Or... maybe even things I don't want to understand? 

    Damn, now I'm onto something...

    I mean, it's still a stretch to go from "this character kinda represents a trait I have that I pretend I don't have!" to feeling what I feel during flicks. But then. I guess. I was also dealing with some serious mental health problems at the time, so. Maybe. I might have latched onto a few characters as ways to express, or... maybe vent some of the things I was dealing with inside myself, that I couldn't or wouldn't consciously confront? But then. It became, like. A habit? To explore myself, and specifically the things I didn't/don't understand about myself, through these different characters. And the fact that they're nothing like my actual personality is what made them perfect to explore all the feelings and emotions I wasn't in touch with, that didn't feel like a central part of myself. And then... I mean, if it's something I learned to do as a kind of... not exactly a coping mechanism, but a way to process things? Well, then it'd make sense that it still happens, even with new sources and new characters.

    Which... also goes a long way towards explaining why I'm so ridiculously empathetic. Because. In a way, I've kinda... emulated so many different characters in so many different situations, but in a way that felt absolutely real to me on an emotional level, that I. I get it. In a way. I understand, as much as anyone can understand anything. 

    Like... my brain runs these complex simulations of what it would be like to be those characters, so deep and in-depth that all the emotions and sensations feel absolutely clear and real, then. The simulation ends. And I just have memory of the simulation and what I experienced while it was happening, and. What those things mean to me now. Then I fit those things I learned into my worldview. Use what I learned. Move on. Do it again. Keep learning.

    Oh my god. I think. I think this is why it happens. I think I figured it out.

    Brains are... crazy, beautiful machines, aren't they?

    I wish I felt comfortable enough to go into specifics about what I've actually experienced with this. Maybe I will at some point. 

    This is why I need to use this blog more! I swear, the amount of times I've gone to write a blog entry about how much I don't understand something, only to end up finding some understanding halfway through writing about my lack of understanding--

  9. Another excerpt from my meditation and dream log for the last two weeks...
    Notes: I don't try so much to interpret or explain at this point, I primarily describe what I've seen and felt. Many of the dragons I keep seeing have become more clear, and I know their names now, but I'm not too comfortable to share them here. So I'll use only initials and won't detail how they look like.

    25/01/19
    Performing another stand-up meditation like the one on 20/01/19. I'm standing on a meadow as full dragon, looking down on some trees. I decide to go to a place "where I was before". I fly fast towards sundawn. I fly through a dimensional gate. Another world, is it? I see mountains, greens, trees, lakes. I land and transform to draconian form. A dog comes to me and plays with me. He seems to know me. I ask him who he is.. it's just a dog. I see another dragon, her color is like yellow/orange. She leads me to a wooden cottage. There's an old women there. We all seem to know each other. We sit together in the house laughing.

    26/01/19
    Visualizing myself in the same setting as the day before. I see a hilly landscape, the small wooden cottage down the hill, a river further behind it, a forest to the left, and a village behind the forest. I transform to full dragon, waiting for the dragon I met before. She flies by. We touch each other's heads. It feels like a very old friend. I ask her if she can transform to draconian form. We both transform. She tells me this is our home world, there are also humans here, and that she is my sister. She doesn't want to tell me her name. She doesn't know much about guardians, but knows they're out there. She's not surprised that I am one. She tells that in this world, I'm working as.. a blacksmith, if I got that right? Well, it somehow makes sense. I play with her in full dragon form.
    We dance through the air. This feels so joyful. In the end, we lay as draconians in the meadow and laugh. I love her like a sister. I don't want to leave this place. I promise to return.

    26/01/19 second session
    I visualize the prehistoric setting. There's lava, a cave, the Earth Guardian is around. I'm there in draconian form. I ask the Earth Guardian to do something unexpected. He roars at me. He's getting huge, getting more limbs. He makes volcanoes break out, moves rocks, I can feel his energy. I connect to the air. Together we incinerate the atmosphere. I make the air glow blue/white, he makes the ground throw fire and magma. I have lost my physical body, I just feel like blue plasma energy which penetrates the whole earth atmosphere.
    Note: This was again completely unexpected.. I'd never thought this plasmatic energy could do that.

    26/01/19 third session
    I explore my draconian body by in-meditation touching my feet, legs, tail, belly, chest.. everything feels scaly, hard, but also fleshy and alive. My head has spikes and horns. My teeth are damn sharp. My wings feel like long arms with very long fingers. I fly around a bit. I dance in the air, it feels like swimming under water, but faster and lighter. I'm getting excited and change into plasma form. I can feel blue flames all around me. This feels awesome, I want more. I power up, I scream and burn. I'm incinerating the air again. When I finally cool down, I realize I've burned everything around me. Where there was grass and plants before, there is now fire and lava.
    Note: I was pretty shocked after this one. What did I do? I am to protect life, but I can also set the world on fire?? What exactly is this blue plasma then?

    28/01/19
    I'm lying on the meadow again as draconian. Soon, I start to feel the plasma energy. I let it envelop my body, it's glowing. The plasma.. it's life energy. It can move rocks, it can burn things, it's life emerging, life deavouring. It's nothing bad. It feels great. I'm running through the grass. I'm waiting for Guardians. Another dragon appears (D). I tell D that I've fulfilled my task on earth.

    29/01/19
    I continue where I stopped yesterday expecting D, but instead, a smaller dragon appears (E). She says D couldn't come today. She seems to be a cheerful quick little chap... she asks me to transform to full dragon form quickly and follow her. I do the fastest full dragon T/F ever. She seems to say "Look there, I knew you could do it". I follow her.. she says I'd already know where we're going, but then I say "you can also bring me to a new place if you like". So she does. We fly over the ocean. I feel lost without seeing firm ground. E proposes me to dive into the water. I'm afraid, but I do it. It feels cold and unfamiliar. I can not mentally connect to much around here. I'm not a water dragon. I dive up and jump into the air. E's waiting there grinning. I shake off the water and we return to the shore. E says she just wanted to show me water is not my element. I turn to draconian form and fly to a meadow near the shore. Aah, it feels so good to lie in the green grass again! Finally D shows up. He tells me E's a clever little chap who likes to play around.. right he is, haha

    31/01/19
    Had an intense dream that felt like a martial arts movie. The protagonist almost killed the US president. Nuclear missiles were launched in what felt like a "post-credit scene". Not kin related, but pretty entertaining and just another example of what my wicked mind can do if it's unchained 🙂

    1/02/19
    Had another m-shifted walk that also gave me kinda astral shift, see this post. Stunning.

    3/02/19
    Had a forum chat about Avalon with Bunflower. I meditate to try and find it. At the usual meadow starting scene, a new dragon approaches me (P); he's as big as me. He leads me through a dimensional door. Is this Avalon then? I see mountains, green land, a lake in the middle of the mountains... but I'm not focused enuogh, so the meditation breaks.

    4/02/19, early morning
    Had three lucid dreams; in the first one, I had some more time, but was only strolling around in the house. In the two other lucid dreams I experienced nice flights as full dragon, however it's a bit hard to fly upwards. I need to practice this.

    4/02/19
    I'm thinking about the Multiverse of Minds. So, what exactly are these dimensional gates? Representations of a physical reality marble in another one, I guess. I'm checking out one of them in the in-meditation meadow starting scene. The thing is just floating in the sky. It's a "multidimensional breach", looks like a swirl in spacetime. It looks the same from any direction. There are plenty of them here, leading to different PRMs as it seems. So how are they made? I land and try to create one myself. I envision a void PRM and create a dim gate to it by simply moving my head. When I enter, it's empty and all dark. I don't want to fill it up, there's already enough PRMs to go to. I return to the starting scene and remove the dim gate again. I fly into the air and ask for company. E joins me. She tells that the dim gates are made by dragons, but only the ones leading to interesting worlds are kept open. I ask her about P. She knows him and tells me his name.

    9/02/19
    I'm looking at myself in draconian form in an in-meditation visualized mirror. HOLY COW! Should've done this before, I see so many details... scales on my snout, brilliant blue color, black footpads under my feet... In due course of the mediation session, I manage to produce a wake-induced lucid dream. I stand up from the bed and try to go to the mirror outside the room, but for some strange reason my room door is locked.. the dream ends before I manage to open it up. I wake up a bit again and gain enough focus to continue meditation. I'm in the meadow starting scene again, transform to full dragon, and find a lake to fly over to see my image. It looks pretty much like the one in the mirror. I land at the shore of the lake and look at my head in the water... then I see other dragons approaching in the air. I jump into the sky to meet them. They're E, P and D all together. They tell me they're all Guardians! E says she guards small things and plants, D talks about.. rocks? P says he's like me. I ask them about a dragon whose name I knew before, and whom I'm longing to meet since ages. And suddently he approaches. A magnificent great western dragon (C). I welcome him joyfully and we dance through the sky.. I can't believe I met him, I'm so happy! We celebrate together. When I tell I have to leave, the others fly away and I curl together in the grass, watching the sun go down...
     

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    Okay, so I hope you figured I wasn't really talking about the Matrix. I'm kind of disappointed too, because it would be pretty cool to be able to enter a virtual world where we could physically be our other selves. Something like Ready Player One... yeah...

    But anyways, I have the next best thing. It's not even close, but it's technically the next best thing.

    A few years ago, I was browsing a witch craft shop near my home, and on a whim I purchased a book on Native American spirit animals and how to find yours. The actual part about finding the spirit animal never helped, but the meditation technique described in the book sure did. With it, you can enter an open sandbox world, assume whatever form you wish (in this case, my kintype), and basically do whatever you want (I don't judge). It's an excellent tool for voluntary shifting and visualizing your kintype, as I've been regularly using it to do.

    Enough fluff. Let's get down to business.

    1. If you don't know the basics of meditation, you're essentially going to want to find a comfortable, quiet spot to sit or lay down. Close your eyes and focus on the feeling of your chest rising and falling as you breathe. Just focus on this feeling. If you feel your thoughts wandering, don't panic, just gently let the thoughts drift away and return to focusing on your breathing. If you're new to meditating, this may be difficult at first, but just keep practicing. Meditation is a learned skill like most things in life. Do this one time a day for about 3 minutes until you have it down and can start extending the time further.
    2. Now, assuming you've been meditating for a while, gently envision yourself in a favorite location, real or imagined. It could be the middle of space, the lawn of the White House, or in my case, a particular beach that I loved in the Honduras. For the sake of presentation, we'll use the beach. Once you're standing on the beach, don't do anything. Feel the cool breeze on your face, flowing through your hair. Wiggle your toes in the sand. Listen to the roar of the surf. Remain on the beach until it feels as real as can be. This is your "loading screen" where you'll anchor your mind to the dream space. Stay on this beach as long as you need, and remember not to rush.
    3. Turn around, wherever you are, and see a cave. It doesn't even have to be a real cave- just tack in on to whatever location you're at. This cave is your "tunnel" to the other world. Slowly walk into the cave. Feel the gravel crunch under your feet as you do, and hear your footsteps echoing off the walls. Keep walking until you come to a door. The door can be as close or as far as you wish, just remember to take it slow. If you rush, you'll disrupt the vision. I know you want to get to the fun stuff, but patience is key.
    4.  Open the door and step through into a new world that your kintype would like. This is the "other" world where your kinself exists. I always step out onto a tall mountain peak, with enough space to accommodate a dragon. It's the tallest peak around, with the rest of the world sprawling away into the horizon on all sides.  There's evergreen trees, rivers winding through valleys, and not a cloud in the sunny sky. Take a few moments to once again soak in the sensations of being in this world. The burning of the sun on your face and the wind. Do this as long as you need.
    5. Now, transform. Stay in first person. I watch the ground get farther away as my long neck rises into the air. I feel my four legs plant firmly into the ground. I look down to examine my front legs, now draconian. I turn around and see the rest of me, wings included. I flare out my wings slowly and feel the sensation. I remain still for several moments again, just feeling my other body. Then, I trudge to the edge and leap. I feel the wind as I fall, then open my wings and begin soaring. This is it, you're doing it!
    6. When you're done with your shenanigans, return to your starting point. Transform back to human. Walk back through the door and through the tunnel and back onto the beach. This is you "returning" to the real world. 
    7. Open your eyes. You're now back from your journey.

    This technique may not work for everyone, and that's perfectly okay. If you've found a better way, kudos to you! Maybe share it with me sometime? None the less, this is how I induce voluntary shifts on myself. Thanks for sticking around this long! I hope this helps you visualize your other self!

     

  10. So, it’s rare, but recently they’ve become more frequent.

    I hate my eye color in those times, because I can’t recognise myself in the mirror. To the point I want to break it, to the thoughts of clawing out my eyes. Until now, I looked up numerous ideas, no matter how risky, out of my desperation in those times.

    Normal colored lenses have no prescription, which I’m fine with because I can just wear them under my glasses. They’re also daily.

    And they help, I underestimated that feeling. Because having dark brown eyes almost drove me to madness, they make that gray so much darker... and it is so nice...

    The problem with that is, because of astigmatism, they don’t sit 100% perfectly. And I sighed.

    Until I found out this evening that toric (astigmatic) colored contact lenses exist. After a lot of searching and dead-ends that showed me one or the other.

    Very, very rare - and very expensive since they need to be custom made... Currently, I’ve a pair of some that run at €80 *each* - but, they last 3 months at a time.

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    I find myself unmasking the edge

    The edge of the forest from beyond my self.

    And in myself I find a pool.

    And in that pool I find a Key.

    From whence did yonder this pool become from whence within did spawn the key?

    To what does the key unlock? To where does the pool lead?

    Leap and find out. And maybe within

    You will find your answer.

    ◆ {SUNBIE} ◆

     

  11. Go away...don't let me hurt you. You want me around so badly, you are surprised when I hurt you. Stop saying I'm beautiful, stop saying I hurt others because I was hurt, stop saying this is alright. Stop, stop. I tried to warn you I really did. How many times do I need to hurt you to make you hate me, please leave, don't let me kill you. You look at me and think I am smirking at your idiocy, or laughing at your pain. I laugh and smile because as soon as I stop I will burst into tears. Don't look, Don't look. I am vulnerable. I hate it when you stick that finger in my face, you come so closely I can smell the pain and hatred off of your lips. Don't lie to me by smiling and thinking this all is happily ever after. It's my curse...if I cry. I don't think I will ever be able to stop. Stop STOP STOP! Go away! Don't look at me with those sad eyes! Don't look at me with those pitiful eyes. If I die, maybe it'll give you the opportunity to come to life. I screwed this up. I screwed things up for the last time. I've killed everybody I have ever loved, now I have no place to go, no place to run. So now I cry, I have died my thousandth time.

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    What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)

     Cat!

    Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?

     50/50 really. I'm an enigma! Also a scientist.

    When was your awakening (if you had one)?

     Didnt have one, baby I was born this way!

    If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?

     N/A

    If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?

     N/A

    If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?

     N/A

    Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?

     I've always been a catastrophy.

    Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?

     I did not, but learning that there was a word for what I was feeling was neat!

    If you didn't know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening, how did you come across the community?

     I've actually been giving this some thought, and I think it was CanineHybrid/Riley that introduced me to the concept! I was a freshmen in highschool, so it has been a good while ago. 

    Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?

     I have always been a kitty.

    If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?

     I have done lots of introspection that have allowed me to get to know myself better.

    Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?

     Nyope.

    Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

     Yes I do. I just take on a slightly more uninhibeted stance. Much more willing to do impulsive things. Happens fairly frequently! It can be triggered by pretty much anything. 

    Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    I can do that! They're usually really wonderful. I just let myself off the leash, so to speak. 

    Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

     Yep, always! They're constant, feels like a completely natural part of me. I use my ear positioning and my tail for expressing emotion but it hasn't seemed to work... Yet!

    Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    Nope. 

    Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?

     I don't recall ever having dream shifts. They'd probably just feel like me, so I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

    Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.

     Nope!

    What experiences and feelings led you to identify as your kintype rather than with it?

     Sure, I really like cats and all, but I am literally just a cat. A cat that looks like a human. 

    To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?

     I am well aware that I am human now, and I honestly wouldn't change that. I like my life. But also, I am a cat. They're so intertwined that I wouldn't be able to elaborate. 

    What led you to believe that your identity is spiritual or psychological in nature? Have you ever believed the other was true, or seriously considered that it may be?

     I'm 50/50 on this deal. I have meditated and had memories of my past life and I believe in reincarnation, but at the same time I am a scientist so I know that I could just be entirely manufacturing these memories. Who's to say without any definitive hard evidence? Certainly not me! I just live my life without thinking too hard on it. I'm a cat, and that's really all there is to it. 

    Do you have any past life memories (if your beliefs are spiritual) or artificial memories/flashbacks (if your beliefs are psychological)? If so, describe them.

     Yes! I believe that I was a feral cat. I definetly had kittens. I think I lived in the city, probably in a city park like Central Park. I can remember being in forested areas and alleyways. 

    Do you ever feel homesick for the location your kintype lives/lived in? If so, how do you deal with those feelings?

    Not really homesick, but I do love being in cities. I love going to cities.

    Are there any locations that make you feel closer to your kintype? Any locations that make you feel disconnected from it?

     Cities and forests are both home to me! I can easily feel full cat anywhere. There's nowhere that really makes me feel a disconnect.

    Do you experience species dysphoria? If so, how often? To what extent? Do you have any methods of coping with it?

     I don't, sorry! I wish I could help out.

    Do you have any behaviours or quirks that you attribute to your kintype?

     I'm very cat-like. The way I move and behave in general. 

    Do you have any nonstandard thought processes or instinctual reactions that you attribute to your kintype?

    Every small animal I want to eat. I would never. I'm a vegetarian and a vet tech, so it is my duty to do no harm. But still the instinct is always just 'I would eat that'. Also if there's a high route I gotta take it. I will go out of my way to go over instead of around. 

    Do you have any personality traits that you attribute to your kintype?

     The everything about me! I can't think of any specifics right now.

    Do you have any nonstandard beliefs, ethics or morals that you attribute to your kintype?

     I'm pretty morally-grey. I do things that benefit me. If that happens to help others, great! If not, oh well. I find that more often than not I do end up helping others, and that does make me happy. 

    Why do you believe the above behaviours/traits/etc. are related to your kintype?

     Cats don't really have morals. They are cats. There is a very thin line between real behavior and personification. Personifying our animals too much is a very, very dangerous thing. I have firsthand seen the reporcussions for people believing that their pets are like people. 
    What is a fact, sometimes feral cats form colonies that are matriarch driven. They are social in thier clowders. They will take care of eachother when resources are available.  

    Do you feel that having a nonhuman identity has been a positive, negative or neutral experience? Have you ever tried to deny your nonhuman identity?

     Neutral, really, though I sure do love being a cat! 

    Do you ever wish you could change your kintype? If so, what would you rather be?

     Nope! 

    Do you think this is enough questions for now? I sure hope so!

    Thank you for the good time!

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    Hi. im Dragon Runes. i'm a contherian & a polytherian and I've been in the otherkin community for about 6 years, i come across as a very morbid person at first but please don't let that stop you from reaching out to me. Below is a few bits of general information about me.

     

    Name - Dragon Runes, Runes, Echo & Dragon. (not my real name)

    Gender - Genderfluid.

    Pronouns - they/them or she/her

    Age - 17

    Kitypes - Wolf, Fox, Deer, Raccoon, Deer, Bear, American bison, Crystal dragon, Shadow Dragon, & Wendigo

    Main likes - warm spaces, being outside, tea, art & photography.

    Main dislikes - pushy people, bullying, art thieves.

     

    Going into depth on a few hobbies of mine, I'm an artist. I love the vulture culture and that often shows in a lot of my work. I'm also interested in mortuary science and forensic pathology. im a green witch, i love plants and animals and i love to take photos of my path and nature itself. im also into anime and animation and ive been working on a few things for a small animation too.

     

    I love alot of dark and morbid things and if you would like to talk to me about those things i will not start the conversation due to the fact it may come on too strong and it may make people uncomfortable. if you would like to talk about those things I will give you another way to talk to me.

     

    Why am i here?

    - I'm interested in joining the community to hopefully meet new people. I love meeting new people and I would love to hear other people's side of otherkinity. In the community, I'm apart of I feel like not many people share experiences so I'm hoping to find that here.

     

    How significant is therianthropy to you & How did you come across Therianthropy?

    - Therianthropy has become a large part of my life. It has gotten to be so big and embedded in my past, present and future that I hardly think about it. I came across the topic through youtube, by cringe videos. When I started looking more into it I was putting names to the experiences I've been having since I could remember. This all started happening around the middle school.

     

    Are you a therian & What is/are your theriotype(s)?

    - Yes, i am. But i have come to consider myself otherkin since it's the umbrella term for it! My kintypes listed above in the short bio i wrote.

     

    How did you find your theriotype/s & Do you believe that your therianthropy is spiritual, psychological, neurological, or something else in origin?

    - Like i said above, i found the community through cringe videos and shortly after that i used a few techniques that many people used to discover there kintypes and out of those things AP and Meditation worked the best for me. I believe my identity is a mix of spiritual and psychological. It's very hard for me to explain.

     

    but yeah. that's me lol! I hope to get to know many of you here!!

     

    If anyone would like to get ahold of me, you can find me here!

    (none of the accounts use my personal information!)

     

    Art and business email - lunafootprintart@gmail.com

    Therian amino - Dragon Runes

    The therian guide forum - Dragon Runes

    Instagram - @luna_footprint

    Snapchat - @lrunes666

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  12. I feel like I've been lurking for a bit and I wanted to give some life updates. 

    1. Diagnosed Plurality

    I've felt for a while I have/am apart of a system, and my therapist confirmed that I do qualify for OSDD-1b. I've "opened the floodgates" of it all in my head. I found out through meditation and stuff that I am actually not the original/core, and I (lemoandelance, the one who made this account) am actually a protective alter created to protect the core. I was created in a way that I could (somewhat) seamlessly continue living the core's life after she didn't want it anymore. I shut the other alters out to protect the body (and the core in the process). I'm letting them surface and oh boy they are coming in quick. My therapist just goes "let them just show themselves to you" and OH BOY DID THEY. I might make a blog about it all later, but here is just a brief run down.

    2. Spiritual Psychology

    I was raised religious, and because that turned out to be abusive, it is twice as hard to leave. So I've decided to dub my beliefs "spiritual psychology." Basically, I believe in the spiritual, but not in a literal way "astral plane reincarnation magick" way, but instead in the way that my psychological reality is my reality, so I should explore my mind and my identity as it's built during my life, but realizing that- in the end- it may all just be in my head. If there is a term for whatever the hell this is please @ me. 

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    For a few months, I’d been getting phantom shifts that I thought were odd. At first, I didn’t even know what they were. But even when I found that out they were still perplexing. During these shifts, I felt as if I were missing limbs. Most often it was either one leg or both arms, but it was different every so often. The ones involving my arms had been going on for a lot longer (an estimated five months), but the ones involving my legs started more recently (two or three months ago). I could see that my limbs were still there, but I had no control over them. And the fact that they were still there made me feel strangely uncomfortable. These shifts weren’t particularly painful, but obviously the feeling of missing limbs isn’t all too pleasant.

     

    The first time I tried to walk when my leg was gone in one of these shifts, it was definitely tricky. I felt like I couldn’t balance and actually fell, even though both feet should have been firmly planted on the ground. After the first few times this happened, I figured out how to push through it and move somewhat normally.


    The most stressful thing was that I couldn’t figure out why I was getting these phantom shifts. There was a certain character I figured maybe I was kin with, but maybe isn’t enough to be sure of anything. Not only that, but that character had never lost any limbs so it wouldn’t explain the phantom shifts. Sure, the shifts could have been due to a different fictotype or kintype, but it turns out that wasn’t it. I just identify as a different character, plain and simple. And I’m completely sure of this one. It’s more than just the phantom shifts of course, but I’ll describe more things in detail another time.

  13. haha it's a play on words

    Anyway, that play on words sums up how I'm feeling and have been for a while. Like I just can't enjoy things that require relating to the human perspective. There's a lot of TV to watch but I can't enjoy any of it because I feel so detached from the experiences and feelings it's based on. (Especially if they're gender-specific, for some reason. It's like double bad because I don't relate well to gender divisions and don't relate to most human experience in general) Can't enjoy events. Can't enjoy socialization, even when my normal issues are accounted for. Can't enjoy games. Can't enjoy reading or any of the things I normally enjoy.

    I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at everything. It's normally not this bad, usually I can find a place in human society and experiences somehow if I really force it. But I just...can't, lately. Nothing feels right at all. Trying to make it feel right just makes it worse because now I have to think about it. Everything is so wrong. I could make it stop by trying to "live in the moment," but I can only do that for so long. I can only look at pictures for so long. I can only clear my mind for so long before the voices start flooding back in again and telling me that everything is wrong.

  14. Winter is one of the best times to see the Northern Lights if you live or travel in the right area, because of how long each day is dark for (although the fall and spring equinoxes are the peak moments). Because of this, I've been seeing a major uptick in aurora photos from all the nature blogs I follow.

    For me, my reaction to the aurora is definitely an alterhuman thing. I have this feeling/memory regarding them, that the streets in heaven were kind of empty at that hour of night because heaven is full of wimps extremely diurnal beings so I would stay up and walk out there alone just to experience them. They come dancing down among the buildings, bathing everything in light, and flow out past the edges of that place and down into the real sky of the earth. The sounds they make are their own music, and I could trail my fingers through them, change their shape and watch them curl away in spirals that crackled and snapped, fly through them. And that at the moment of choosing to Fall I saw them and it seemed like they were pulling me with them out past heaven and down into the world. The feeling they give me here is powerful, one of beauty and nostalgia in a way they makes me both achingly sad and inspired at the same time.

    So when I think "light-bringer", I think of the Northern Lights and darkness instead of sunlight. It would feel absolutely wrong for me to say something like "Lucifer was bright and sunshine and God's Favorite" because to me that's not...exactly it. Honestly, I think my interpretation and assumption of the name comes less from my "angelic role" and more from the time I was created, which with the symbolism of Venus and all is just before dawn, aka the darkest hour.

    A while ago I made some simple art to try and capture this feeling/memory and sentiment, pairing an image with some of the lyrics from the song Dear Wormwood by The Oh Hellos.

    image.png.4a800042028ec1672341aa7c254eacba.png

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    Did you know that today is Shrek's birthday? 

    Anyways, onto the actual blog. It's been raining/storming lately so that's been nice. I put up my fairy lights and I'm probably gonna light some incense for some nice vibes. I also got to open a few Christmas presents early and some notable stuff was some notebooks and a drawing a couple friends made for me, a scarf & gloves set, a fluffy blanket, and some sculpting clay. No super interesting kin related things have happened, but the storming and fairy light have been giving me some good kin vibes. I'm not going to get very into it, but not everything has been perfect.  Feel free to converse/question me on whatever. 

    I hope you've had/have wonderful holidays and that your new year is filled with blessings from above. 

  15. Stray

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    I have displayed animalistic behavior since I was a child. I recall wanting to continuously wear tails or gloves with claws on them from costumes meant for Halloween as young as 4. My mom always told me "you are not an animal," and I always found that hard to believe, even as a kid. Around this same period, I had an obsession with canines, specifically dogs; this was noted on a doctors report that I still own to this day.

    When I had reached my elementary school years, I began questioning my animal side. In 2005 I saw a documentary on TV that featured a segment on "therians." Upon seeing the segment, I instantly knew that that's what I was, and ran to a computer to do more research. I stumbled upon The Werelist and everything took off from there. I began questioning all sorts of animals; from squirrels and frogs, to horses and all sorts of birds. This soul-searching lasted me quite a few years, until everything led up to me realizing I am a wolf.

    I remained inactive in the therianthropy community upon reaching my teen years out of fear of my close-minded mom finding out, which vaguely happened but I continued to cover it up as something else. 

    Now an adult, I've learned to hide and cope with being more animal than everyone else. Although, things slip through the cracks sometimes. In fact, recently a friend of mine caught me sniffing the air as they made hamburgers, which, was very embarrassing.

    My partner, being the understanding person he is, allows me to express my true self when I need to, which can be a huge relief sometimes. Honestly, I just feel like a wolf pretending to be human to please everyone else constantly. I truly feel a disconnect from my outer self and inner self regarding appearance, and although I promise I am aware I am physically human, sometimes I will walk past a mirror and have to do a double take because seeing my human face often surprises me because I expect to see what I feel like.

    One way I've found to express my non-human experience is by comparing it to the wolves of Wolf's Rain (cheesy, I know); the wolves are still wolves, but can disguise themselves as human- although to some, it's still obvious that they're wolves. This is expressed in the anime and the manga in the image of a wolf and human overlapping eachother, I have provided a picture I took from the first volume to give a better idea since i am not the best at explaining.

     

    Snapchat-627770486.thumb.jpg.5d2874320d86ba46373593596e228f71.jpg

    I feel as though this image accurately represents what I experience as a non-human identifier, except the human is the physical one.  I am interested in knowing if anyone relates to this image as well.

    I honestly very much appreciate dogs, as they feel like creatures I can relate to more closely than humans, and since I understand their behavior (I am an aspiring dog trainer), I can replicate it and cause them to interact with me as if I am another canine. But since I identify as a wolf, I do understand that wolves and dogs behave very differently; two types of behaviors which I consider myself very familiar with and can adapt to.

    I often question if I may be a wolfdog due to some personal things, but that idea has just never fully clicked with who I am.

    Since I discovered the therianthropy community in the 2000's, I still do like to refer to myself as a were/werewolf, although I do use the term therianthrope often. 

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    A huge weight was taken off my shoulders last night after I somehow obtained a solution to one of my personal problems in the middle of typing my own response to something on Reddit. There's still some weight left in my chest and it seems to be related to my writer's block and probably my issues with chronic procrastination that I need to crack down on working through as soon as possible. Saying I'm a chronic procrastinator is no longer funny or a "joke" of any kind. I've taken it too far and it's becoming a ridiculous obstacle that shouldn't exist anymore. Most people procrastinate. Very few are able to get to my level. The grand majority of the population can't afford to be like me and I can't afford to stay like this myself.

    The whole situation with my first entry has been cleared up. I'm not sure if I should post what happened, but it basically turns out I was most likely legitimately wrong and my undeniable feelings of certainty were just feelings from one of my soulbonds bleeding over to me for some reason. Based on everything that played out, I wish there was a way to legitimately explore the lives I experienced as my fictotypes. It's possible that I'm still a canon divergent Aoi Zaizen, though to what extent that is remains unknown. The only reason I even suspect canon divergence is I no longer trust the writers of this franchise after what happened in the Arc-V anime. My other reason for suspecting it is related to my soulbond's feelings. Unfortunately, without enough memories to support my suspicions, all I can do is make educated guesses, not obtain confirmation that gives my words weight.

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    I do not leave the house frequently, but due to my friend Emie visiting from Norway we have been visiting some of the locations locally for sight seeing and various shops to browse, one of these such shops was a rather old antique shop. Built in the 1800's, these Victorian buildings aren't uncommon where I live, but it was more what it housed within that created an unexpected reaction.

    For those unaware, I (that is, my fictotype within the DL canon) am known for collecting silverware, cutlery and the like, for I enjoy it's form, composure and elegance. I 'here' have a much lessened interest, to that of a mild appreciation, rather than a fixated adoration. Because of this, I admit at times have felt rather saddened at the aspect of contrasting tastes, due to the fact I have had a fan once talk to me as if my arousal for cutlery still remained, and I had to disappoint.
    This is somewhat why I was a little confused and shaken by the reaction I had within this antique's shop upon finding myself in a section purely dedicated to that of silverware.

    Honestly, the amount of knives and forks that covered every surface, filled every draw to the brim was something to behold. I never thought I'd be enraptured by so many pieces of table instruments yet there I was; at first enjoying the browsing of the shop, yet then stricken by a jarring sensation of disruption of self. Words will fail to capture the utter dissonance of thoughts that went through me as my eyes gazed over the many knives and forks, a sensation pushed forward from depths of unknown proclaiming "I have done this before" yet the images showing hands not belonging to this body. Singular gloved and a darker room, mahogany table and intricate items. The images felt as if they 'could' be a memory, yet they felt unbelonging to this brain, an imprint from an other place, one not meant for this world yet tapped into through erroneous strings of tangled fate.
    I was not so shaken I couldn't remain, yet I still felt overwhelmed, and part of me gave words of caution to leave sooner rather than further subject myself to the environment. For what reason? Unsure. There's always a sense of breaking reality when it comes to my fictionkin experiences, to be moving through actions and processes that are reserved for fiction, rather than this reality. It feels 'wrong', on some level, yet also the only way it can be.
    Something to think about, I suppose.

  16. (I had one lyric about pendulums, and I already used it on the forum, sadly.)

     

    I'm not usually one who follows ideas of "divination" and "spirits" and "magick" and all that stuff. I feel like an idiot when I'm making use of my mini-shrine trying to communicate with Pan, and that's just talking. I never thought about going beyond that, really. But when I was discussing some of my theories on Discord, somebody suggested using a pendulum for communication, after warding it. I thought to myself, hey, why the hell not? The worst case scenario is that nothing comes from it. So as long as I'm ready to take everything I find with a huge pinch of salt, I should be OK. With that in mind, I did a little bit of research and gave it a try.

     

    I used a turquoise necklace I already had as my pendulum, and "warded" it using incense and focusing on the purpose I had in mind. That part felt kind of silly, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. After warding, I established that I was trying to talk to Pan, and determined what meant "yes" and "no" both by asking and by trying some questions that I already knew the answers to. Once I was satisfied, I started asking about my past life, and that's where things got interesting. Again, everything should come with a big pinch of salt.

     

    Assuming I was actually communicating with Pan, he told me that contrary to my working theory, I was not a victim of transformation in my past life. He said I was a faun in that life, but oddly, I was born as a centaur. So that was weird. I then established that I was some manner of shapeshifter. Furthermore, my past life father was a shapeshifter too, and an immortal one at that, but not a god or a titan. My past life mother, meanwhile, was a mortal, though I didn't ask if she was human. Finally, Pan revealed that I was a student of his in my past life, but that we met later in that life when I came looking for him. That was all I could get before he was finished answering questions.

     

    Obviously I'm not taking any of this at face value, and I plan to do it again soon to try to "verify" the phenomenon. But it's still interesting to think about what this could mean if it's true. The biggest question I'm left with is, what's immortal and a shapeshifter but not a god or titan? Limiting myself just to Greek mythology, I found a few possibilities. First up is Phobetor, a personification of dreaming that could appear in the mortal world in the forms of animals and could change his form at will. Whether Phobetor qualifies as a god seems to be hazy based on my very little research, so it's quite possible that Pan wouldn't consider him one, even if he was immortal. Proteus is another interesting possibility; he was more likely to be called a god than Phobetor, but he was known to change form often. Those are the two obvious things I found, but I also found myself drawn to Typhon for some reason. I described him in a prior entry; he's not a god or a shapeshifter, but he is immortal and has been shown with various animal parts. I dunno.

     

    I'm not going to put too much stock into this before doing a bit more to verify things, of course. But it is interesting to think about. It really did seem like the pendulum was working, though I realize it responds to hand movements. Perhaps next time I'll try doing it without holding the pendulum myself. I'll write more if anything else comes up. In the meantime, I am intrigued about the possibilities, and especially Phobetor given how well he seems to match what I "learned."

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    One thing I've noticed since being open about my fictionkin identity is the immediate 'are you sure you're not a ___?' response. I understand this completely, and whenever a creature was mentioned I would do my best to look into it. Thing is... it kept going. I would be writing essays upon essays about how I felt and why I am a banshee, but still someone would ask if I was a dragon or a bird instead. I've gone through pterosaurs, dragons, dinosaurs, sea creatures, birds, reptiles and so much more, yet apparently it's not enough. Even close friends - who have followed me through my otherkin journey - have asked if I'm sure I'm a banshee just because something similar exists on earth. It feels like everyone doesn't believe me, even when I pour my soul out in writings to show them what I feel and why I believe what I do. I've had many labels throughout the years but not a single one has fit like the ikran. I am undoubtedly an ikran on all inner levels, at least as far as I can see myself.

    I know people are just trying to make sure I've put thought into my identity before I claimed something, but I would have thought that my constant blogging would have been satisfactory for them. What do people want? A full novel about how I'm not a Pteranodon, a comic book about my past incorrect feelings of being a dragon, or a six part movie series about my struggles to define whether I was a bird or not? I share whatever I can when I can yet it's still "okay but what if you're NOT fictionkin..." and it becomes a cycle. People say 'are you this instead?' and I have to link them to four month old essays in which I address that. Someone else asks a similar question and I have to show them a blog post from a year ago addressing THAT question. I just can't say I am these things they tell me I could be - I've been ashamed of being fictionkin before because of online harassment so I deliberately sought out Earthly creatures I could 'pose' as. None fit.

    I have never felt so sure of myself. Instead of forcing myself to identify as a pterosaur or some type of bird, I am embracing what feels natural, right, and logical. I'm not a microraptor, I'm not a Quetzalcoatlus I'm not a dragon, I'm not a manta ray, and I'm not a macaw. I am Pterodactylus giganteus - a mountain banshee.

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