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  1. Welp. It's been a while. And this is kind of a pain in the backside to write on my phone, but... I've gotta get it off my chest.

    And yep, it feels exactly as crazy as it sounds. Maybe I made it up. I don't know.

    My depression's been pretty bad lately, which is one of the reasons I haven't really been 'round here. Earlier today, I had a bit of a moment, and basically sunk into a pit of self-hatred (probably irrational, but my brain doesn't care for logic when it gets in that state).

    The reason it was only a moment, and not a whole episode? Well, um. I got this weird feeling like someone was watching me, then something started... kinda talking to me? Not like an auditory hallucination or anything. More like when I talk to my thoughtforms, but I know it wasn't either of them. And, I mean, it didn't feel like it was coming from some part of myself.

    Paraphrasing a little here cause our conversation wasn't all in words, but the gist of it was... it didn't say everything would be okay, but that it's okay to feel like shit sometimes. I said it shouldn't bother with me, and it did a mental shrug like it wasn't a big deal. It seemed almost like it understood? Like it'd been in the same kind of position before or something. It mentioned my spiritual weirdness in an offhand way, but didn't treat it like a big deal right now.

    One thing that really struck me though, was... well, with spirit stuff, I usually feel pretty untouchable just because of what my kintype is. I'm not afraid of ghosts or demons 'cause, at the end of the day, they're small - I'm big.

    But this thing was different. It didn't feel small. In some ways, it made me feel small.

    Guess there are things out there bigger than me. I'm just a nature spirit, after all. But it's not something I'm used to feeling.

    So. Uh. Yeah. Dunno what to do with this experience, so I guess I'll just... kinda... see if it happens again? Maybe meditate on it? I really don't know. This is way out of my comfort zone.

    Umm.

  2.  I miss my Richtofen 1.0 and I'm talking to someone who is Richtofen 1.0 but I don't think we're canon mates but I'm very protective of them. I love my Richtofen 1.0 very much and no it's not a lust thing because I have felt this one other time but this time is a LOT stronger. I just want my Richtofen even if it's to be friends. 

  3. It's kind of amazing what a new theory can do to one’s search for identity. This theory that I may have been a descendant of Pan in my past life, while tenuous, opens up a lot of things for me to think about. The thoughts provided by some of you guys on the forum gave me even more to think about. So it's time for a good old fashioned blog post to sort through as much as possible.

     

    I'll start with the good news. I've become more comfortable and more sure of a few aspects of my past life and my kin type. I feel totally comfortable that for the most part my kin type is a faun. It feels right to say that, and it feels good. I see pictures of fauns and I feel the connection. I feel the urge to be not non-human in general but in fact to be a faun physically. Nothing is ever a sure thing, but I'm more comfortable than before. I even felt the urge to start working on my faun “costume,” which I'm doing. Good stuff. Also, I'm getting more comfortable ans confident about at least the eromenos part of my relationship with Pan. It still feels like it makes sense, and I have feelings when I encounter some things which relate to it. I don't want to get too much into it of course, but you know, seeing things like the statue of Pan and Daphnes and that kind of thing. So all of that is progress.

     

    But now comes the new theory, and what that could mean. As people pointed out, being a descendant of Pan could mean a number of things besides the physical definition I was thinking about. It could be something spiritual in nature; perhaps Pan imbued me or one of my ancestors with a bit of his spirit for some reason. It could also happen through possession, if perhaps somewhere up the chain Pan possessed one of my ancestors. Hell, it doesn't even have to be as literal as that. It would seem that my relationship with Pan began at a young age, so perhaps he was more of a “father figure.”  But then, Shezep brought up something interesting: claiming to be descended from gods was common practice for Egyptian royalty. And those are two things that seem to keep coming up: Egypt and royalty. It does seem to start fitting together.

     

    If I had to guess, knowing Pan, I would imagine any ancestry would be physical in nature. I mean, physical is what he’s all about, right? But that doesn't preclude the Egyptian royalty aspect. No, I don't think I was a pharaoh or anything like that; I imagine I’d have stronger evidence if that were the case. But it's possible that I was related to one, perhaps a cousin or a lesser sibling or even something very distant. If that particular royal line were descended from Pan, it would still make sense. And perhaps this ancestry, royalty or not, would explain his interest in me and his desire to help me deal with my transformation.

     

    Before I continue, a brief interlude. I tried another past life guided meditation. These remain difficult because of the expectations I have going into them, so I take all of this with a huge grain of salt, but here’s what I saw. It was the same sort of Egyptian marketplace I've seen before, and I was literally dancing around it having a grand old time. I was wearing what appeared to be rags, but I seemed pretty happy. It then moved on to where I lived in that life, which was a very big and fancy house for the time. The style wasn't right for the setting, but that's probably my brain filling in gaps in my knowledge with things that get the point across. There, I saw myself wearing much nicer clothes to go with it. Finally, it brought me to a key moment in that life. And this part I really doubt has any meaning at all, but I'll share it anyway. I found myself in some sort of underground dungeon, terrified, with some witches in front of me. They commanded me to choose a door in the dungeon to go through. It seemed to have something to do with my transformation.

     

    The more solid some things become, the more questions open up about other things. But there are at least a few things I can now say are pretty much core beliefs. For one, my kin type seems to basically be a faun. I understand that better now. I can guess that the demon part comes from people seeing fauns as demons, and from me being a particularly sadistic one at some point in my past life. I still have to work on the centaur part. I can also outline at least a few parts of my past life: I most likely lived in Egypt. At some point I was transformed into a faun against my will, after which Pan took me on as an apprentice and eromenos. Those appear to be the key things, and the ones that I believe pretty solidly.


    But for each step forward there are unanswered questions. Who transformed me? Why did they do it? And was I a descendant of Pan? I'll explore my current theories on those in a different post.

  4. Syan
    Latest Entry

    I'm feeling further ostracized from my family, mainly because they don't take me seriously or just seriously underestimate me. It does terrible things to my confidence. One of the things that gives me some sort of fighting power was learning about my past life(or what I presume is my past life) and what I truly am in the spiritual sense.

    Being asexual is giving me more problems again, particularly when people tell me that sex is a human or natural thing. That reinforces the feeling that I am an alien (nonhuman) or that I don't belong here at all. There's also the fact that non human animals have sex as well so that first explanation makes zero sense. And then there's my parents consistently ask or tell me that not having kids is selfish. My responses to that is:the world is over populated, and I will create something else that will have some lasting impact on the world. Babies aren't the only thing you can create. The tarot cards indicated that I had adopted in a past life. Whether that's true or not, I don't know. If it is true, then I am following my old patterns.

    Another thing is when I told my mom I want to go to a Buddhist temple in China in the future. Her response was that I can go with my future husband. I told her that wasn't going to happen or that it was unlikely. Then she complained on how she raised an old maid. I snapped and told her that she knows exactly what she raised, (someone with nonhuman spiritual identities) and that I will make my own path and destiny in this world. I am shocked that this sort of thinking is so innate and ingrained into humanity while it isn't for me, especially when I was raised with this type of thinking. If wanting to live a different life makes me an old maid solely on the reason that I don't want to get married, then that comparison is seriously disheartening and a disappointment. With the exception of friends, I feel very alone within my family.

    It is times like this that remind me that I have to 'pretend' to play human or mimic them. And no, otherkinity didn't start this type of thinking. I had this type of thinking for years while I only knew about otherkin/therianthropy for almost a year. I actually have no problems being the way I am and it doesn't cause me distress. It only impairs me when other people criticize me for being different or by having such different beliefs in general.

  5. ravenwings111
    Latest Entry

    Well boy, it's been a while since I've posted anything. My life got busy all of a sudden, between school and a new job. On the otherkin side I've been doing pretty good. My dysphoria seems to be dying off or something. At the very least it's much less bothersome.

    I recently had a dream shift of my dragon kintype, which was really cool. I was massive, my paws were about the size of a house, and I had black scales. Besides that though, I didn't get much more information about what I looked like, but of course this is no quick process.

    Other than that, it's been the usual strong phantom shifts. Being away from the community didn't stop that, haha. As of now I'm not questioning any possible new kintypes either.

  6. Ess's Cave

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    I think I might be making progresses with my theriotype, so I decided to make a blog post talking about it.

    Considering all that I know so far, there are two options I have for what my therian type might be: aardvark and the armadillo.

    The aardvark would be what I'm most drawn to. I feel far more connected to this animal than I do to the others in the list, I've been interested in it ever since I found out it existed. Its appearance is consistent with my shifts - strong claws, a long muzzle, big ears with a range of mobility. I think I might have had phantom shifts of a tail too, but as I have some minor back issues I'm skeptical about any phantom feels involving my back or spine since I've felt all sort of stuff there. Its defining behavior is basically digging holes all over the place, which explains why the clearest idea I have about my kintype is that it's a digger animal.

    Then, the armadillo. There are various species of armadillos, the one I'm most interested in is the pichi. The muzzle is different but could still fit, it's a burrower animal too, and out of the various armadillo species I found is the one that is closer to what my shifts are like. On the downside, the ears definitely don't match, and it's far too small. I think my type is the size of a medium-big dog, and armadillos are as a general rule definitely too small. I'm also not that drawn to this type of animal, but it's still a valid option.

    I'm still looking into other animals I might not know of, but at this moment these are my best shots.

  7. "Home", 11/ 11/ 2017

    Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle 

    By : Doreen Virtue 

    Card : New Beginning

    Artist : Carol Heyer 

     

    1 of 8 ? - No 

     

    The clouds around waist and legs are looking like two extra pairs of wings.

     

    One thing, my heart desires: A 2nd chance.Too much has been broken; I can't fix, Father can. His powers as creator can be seen in the ability to take even the most unimpressive bit of existence and form something wonderful. Keeping and composing the old to something new confirms the importance of every tiny component. Humans are limited to reproduction.

     

    Father, I can barely breath. The weigth on my shoulders is exhausting. I don't want things to go on like this.

     

     

    images-4.jpg

  8. Lots of weird dreams this October.

    I had a few dreams where I was still partnered to my ex, Or a REALLY weird one where my current partner LOOKED and SOUNDED like my ex, but was still herself!

    There was also a lot of narrative present, usually at least semi-linear with fantasy element. Something related to sci fi pirates except the whole crew was a daycare and a half. I lived in a swamp on a roving tortoise, and had to try and prevent mice from escaping a bucket.

    I also had a weirdly pleasant dream that I had a retail job at a place akin to a Target, though it also had some restaurant section and loads and loads of shelves of halloween and occult decor. I didn't even get in trouble for just hiding out in the halloween aisles!

    The messages are getting a little more conflicted, but point toward changing circumstances. Some of these changes I've been warned of ahead of time, and others not so much. I feel that the focus is changing from learning healing and spiritual skills to learning practical skills.

  9. Back on my bullbull

    Hey out there. Back again for my bi-yearly check in/diary entry haha. I've been working my crappy little job and not addressing some major parts of me, like my otherkin aspects and the increasing threat of depression and anxiety (this level of anxiety being kind of a new thing to me). For some reason over Halloween I've just caught a real spiritual mood. I realize I've been neglecting myself, subconsciously trying too hard to assimilate and be deemed at least somewhat normal in adult human society. Still have no idea what I want as a career, of course....

    I still feel like I'm far too aimless, like maybe I should take up some form of magickal craft to express my spirituality regularly? And I'm still bummed at the fact I haven't met lasting otherkin friends that I can be completely open and genuine with.

    But I think I've grown a lot as a person in this year. Gotten to know some different parts of me, and discovered how my kintype affects my sexuality, which has been especially fun. Though I know a lot of otherkin don't acknowledge this? If they do I don't see much of it at all.

    For a while I was really into out of body experiences, read about them, tried to do it myself, but I don't know, I got no success so I basically gave up? Not sure if I should try again, or if it would even be worth it. Depression makes it hard to commit to things, sadly....

    I don't want to be a sad sack of crap any more!! I want to fearlessly be my really weird self, go out and succeed, and also find people who love and respect me for it if that's at all possible? Idk, if you can relate to this stuff let me know in a comment or PM if you want. I really hope I can find a niche here and actually express myself regularly, to stop neglecting and hiding and pretending stuff doesn't exist. I want to be able to reach out and attract good healthy friends, and enjoy life in general.

    If you have experience in witchcraft and have suggestions for simple rituals I can do, let me know. I think druidry is pretty interesting but I have no clue where to start in ritual magic.

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    ThisIsImportant
    Latest Entry

    Hello!

    So, I'm super bad at meditating, which is a big downfall for a therian. I mean, it's a fairly crucial thing, at least in my views. So I've been practicing a lot recently and trying different methods to help me focus. 

    One of the things I've found is meditating in my garage, but it's been too cold recently for me to be outside that long, even in a coat. 

    Yesterday, I downloaded an hour long meditation guide to help me. 

    And I tried it out. It helped, a lot! I turned it on, shut my eyes and focused on the music. I didn't have any true visions, at least while I was awake. I did let it play while I slept, and I had a dream of playing with a man, who was tossing a stick for me. I was fetching it. At first, I was in a human body, but somewhere along the line, my body was transformed into that of my theriotype. I had the time of my life!

    I woke up unexpectedly when my alarm went off, so I don't know where it was going. 

    That's all for now.

  10. So... I've made at least one other post about some guesses at physical/biological stuff about my kintype. I'm giving it another go. I'll sort things by how certain I am of them, on a rough scale of 1-5. And of course, there's always a chance I could be wrong about any of this. I'll probably keep updating this and use the comments as a changelog of sorts. Hopefully it'll help me keep better track of what ideas came from when, and keep me from concluding anything before I have the evidence to do so.

    5 (Yep, That's Me)

    • Serpentine form: Since fully awakening to the kind of dragon that I am... This has pretty much been a constant. My "form" (rather, the form I thought I had) changed many times while I was still figuring things out (partially because of cameo shifts, partially due to guessing, partially because I tried to force myself to be whatever my favorite idea was at the time. Hey. I was a noob).
    • Wings: Wings've been another constant, from even since before awakened. (Tail also has, but... if your form is serpentine, that doesn't really count :P) I've had phantom shifts of this at least since high school (my memory before that is terrible, and I don't really trust it, so this is as far back as I'm going). I've also had other shifts relating to wings, but that could also just be normal human stuff.
    • Aquatic: Another thing that's been constant since before awakening. I've always known I was near some form of water and was closely tied to it. Mostly Irrelevant, but: Actually, I just realized that everything I shift to is aquatic in some way... Hm. I also know that this water was flowing, but I have trouble gleaning comparisons of size from what memories I have.
    • Animalistic: All of my mental shifts are a lot more animalistic than one would expect with how dragons are typically depicted.

    4 (Pretty Solid, Feel Good About it, but a Little Bit of Doubt)

    • Scales: I have a couple memories of finding shed skin in which that skin definitely has scales. I'm pretty sure I was the only thing like me nearby, so it would've had to have been mine. I also get mental shifts of wanting to shed, which adds to the likelihood that it was mine. Scales would also just make a lot of sense, but I'm hesitant to accept it because it's kind of the "default" for dragons. I don't have much else to go on for this, and there are alternatives that make sense.
    • Claws: Another "default option." I don't have much to say about this one. I don't have any direct evidence that my draconic self does have claws, but I can't picture myself without them.
    • Quadruped: I (almost) always feel, whether in shifts, dreams, or memories, like I have four legs, but it's hard to be sure whether this is really the case, or if it's my human brain's interpretation of it. The occasional wing-arm shift helps to call this into doubt.

    3 (Probably, but not Sure, Solid Alternatives)

    • Antler-Shaped Something: I know I keep going back and forth on whether they're truly antlers or horns (which I'll get to in a minute), but I pretty consistently see them as antler-shaped. However, when I'm so unsure about things I do have good evidence for, I can't really rate this any higher because it's mostly just a feeling. I think the only reason it is rated this high is because I doubt I'm going to get any information that contradicts it, because it's hard to see the top of your own head.
    • Blue: I think I was blue, based on memories and self-image. However, this is another matter of sifting through how much is true, and how much is human brain interpretation.
    • Big: I feel pretty good about this one, but... Animals can be bad at judging their own size. I think I'm the biggest thing in those there woods... But I could just be the draconic equivalent of a Chihuahua.
    • Amphibious and Reptilian: This is mostly just based on compiling the other information, but... I think if we were to try and classify my species based on Earth biology, it'd be somewhere between reptilian and human.

    2 (Best Guess of the Options Available)

    • Carnivore: I used to thing I was omnivorous, but after sorting through information, the only food-related memories I have left that might be accurate are of eating fish.
    • Development: I believe some conflicting information may be from memories of different stages of development. I think I started out looking pretty much just like a snake with wings, then grew legs, then horns, then developed a fish-like tail. This especially would help make sense of some of the flight stuff I was trying to sort out before.
    • Eel Power: I've mentioned in a chat somewhere that I think I have that zapping mechanism that electric eels are known for. This is based on a handful of mental shifts and one memory. However, something feels off about it.

    1 (I Got Nothin' Else)

    • Antlers: I think my horns were true antlers (that is, they shed and re-grow seasonally), but I flip-flop on this way too much to rank it any higher. I get shifts pertaining to this stuff, but that's about all I have to go on, and I get conflicting information about how often they would shed/how large they would grow.
    • Fish Tail: I had one shift the other day where I had a fish tail. It matched how the mermaids I've talked to describe their tail shifts. That's really all I have to go on. This is a very new idea so it's going on the list; hopefully I'll find out more about this.
  11. Interesting dream I had last night: once again, every actual dream shift i have involves this weird abstract dream-possible-only thing where I'm either two characters (human and Lucifer) at once or, as in this case, both in one. This time my dream character was human me, but with Lucifer memories and mind I guess and I think I was also my younger self (like 9-12 range, even more interesting considering that age involved some significant monster-self parallelism dreams), and I was I think a daughter of nobility at this random royal court, I couldn't tell you the location or plot though because dreams are like that; anyway the queen married someone new after the king died and he was a shitty king who was mostly there just to fulfill the role of there being a male in power because misogyny in this dream world apparently said queen was basically just husband of the king so okay.
     
    And so the new king dude was pretty useless, kind of drunk and had no real idea what was going on, and then there was this one knight dude who was obviously in love with the queen and also Looked Kingly and I was like eh yeah it should probably be you right? And at one point in this dream I was walking around and heard from a distance Kingly Looking Guy comment quietly to his friend, Another Kingly Looking Guy, that I walked like a king and dream self was like damn straight I am a king thanks for not really noticing since I'm stuck in small child girl form. Because the whole time during this dream I had been fully aware of my world as Lucifer and how I ruled, and dream self knew I could do a better job than the confused and worthless person on the throne.
     
    And how i felt about hearing that, with that warm moment of pride when someone says something like that about you, was exactly how I'd feel about it in real life so when i woke up i had to consciously remind myself that that hadn't actually happened at some point yesterday.
  12. Kerguelen
    Latest Entry

    One of those feelings I get that I don't know how to explain.

    Close your eyes. Imagine where all your limbs are. Imagine where all your fingers and hands and feet and toes and body parts are. Can you feel it?

    What is that feeling? My best guess is that's my own blood moving through my veins. But that's not a great guess. It feels like something running all through me that, given enough concentration, I could make explode. Or grow into something. But all I have to do is direct it. Except I can't direct it or concentrate on it because I don't even know what exactly it is.

  13. Shezep
    Latest Entry

    "Individuality is fluid and hard to nail down. But nodes (manifestations, aspects, helper spirits) can be formed for various purposes. There is no hierarchy exactly because even the smallest particle of the cloud is made of the same stuff. The cloud itself is formless, but forms do arise as a matter of function, or also just a matter of whim."

    -snipped from part of a post earlier this week that set me thinking...

    Ok, the main point being comparing it to a decentralized cloud of living energy that creates nodes of consciousness at will for various purposes. It’s similar to how in a noncorporeal state I might gather and concentrate parts of myself into limb-like projections in order to do things. It also seems that exploration of surroundings is a big part of why I/this being does what it does. Though I feel that the kind of information it seeks is a bit deeper then what might be apparent on the surface. It would make sense that other gods are also “clouds.” It would fit a lot of the listed behaviors and abilities, such as being in more than one place at a time, various versions and manifestations of the same being, etc. Even two versions of the same god standing side by side and talking to itself is explainable. Merge energies from two or more clouds into a node and there are your synchretisms. 

    It would explain their treatment of me if I am one of these nodes. I’m certainly not as powerful as the older Herus, but that doesn’t really fit into their equations. I am equal in terms of being part of the same being, and in that I was made for a reason. I am no more and no less than what that being intended me to be. 

    Individuality is not really relevant except as it is acting as part of a node. The node has a name but the “particles” making up that node probably do not. Imagining particles is probably not accurate either as I think it’s more fluid than that. The energy used in a node may have, and probably has been, recycled through other nodes in the past. Is memory stored in the substance itself, or transmitted across the entire being? Are my “memories” reflective of what this bit of energy once did, or are they more a matter of information that was deemed pertinent to my current usage? Nodes are gathered and somewhat separated from the whole in order to maintain their integrity. In other words, I don’t have access to the full information available to the collective. Or, is that just a human limitation? Some applied limitations seem reasonable for the running of various scenarios, parameters set and so on. 

    The other gods, other nodes or manifestations of those other clouds, treat me as a Heru because for all intents and purposes I am a Heru. They treat me appropriately for my size and purpose, most of the time. I probably only interact with those other nodes which are appropriate for me to interact with. There would be no point in interacting with an outside node with which I have no business. How is the suitability of interaction determined? I don’t know that part yet. Maybe we do it by “scent,” or maybe by “location” in that I’m more likely to hang out in certain areas of the Unseen and not in others. 

    This sounds all very clinical and detached, but in actual practice, it’s not at all. We are very much alive and very much invested in our realities. It’s not a thing of the intellect but a thing of the soul, of the heart. Waking up to find myself part of this much larger being, I realize I am surrounded by the love of my siblings. The love I feel for the other “clouds” is also incredible. They fill me with joy and wonder, yes, even worship because they are that beautiful to me. These lives and experiences are more than just investigations. They are--life. It is far richer and more dynamic than what most people assume being a god is like. The things they assume are important are just minor footnotes, and the things they think are too insignificant for us are more valuable than they realize. It’s not about who worships you. It’s about what fills your soul with worship. What in this world reminds you that you are alive? …even after all these centuries. You think you’ve seen it all? Not by a long shot.

    “We are a way for the Universe to know itself” -Carl Sagan

  14. While reading through the library I found the following link: 

    which raises some good points. I am always striving to represent myself accurately, and when needed, revise my opinion of myself, and subsequently how I represent myself. As such I decided it would be a good idea to really evaluate myself and explain why I believe what I believe. 

    There were various things which ultimately led me to question my humanity, one of them being the BBC "Prince Caspian and the Voyage of the Dawn Treader" which my family owned on VHS. (I guess I'm dating myself a bit here, I bet half the people who stumble across this won't even know what a VHS is much less have ever used them regularly) Every time I watched it I wondered why Eustace would have allowed himself to return to being human, I couldn't help but think I'd take the deal he was offered in a heartbeat, the isolation would kind of suck, but in a land so filled with magic, and the strength of a dragon a solution to that could surely have been found. Moving on to my time in high school (pre 2013) where I would wonder for a moment why I didn't really feel right, why my views were so similar yet just a little off from what everyone else was saying. I never got much further than starting to type an internet search something along the lines of "Why can't I be a dragon?" or "Why don't I feel like I fit in?" before just brushing it off as angst and figuring I'd get over it sooner or later. I did largely get over the latter question, and am sure it was largely inspired by your run of the mill teenage angst, however the former question became something I could not so easily ignore or brush off once I encountered a book.

    Unfortunately I do not recall the title of the work as I was just reading through some collection of fantasy books I found online, I wasn't really paying attention to exactly which titles I was reading, just reading book after book, to take my mind off of the mind numbing car rides across the country while me and my family were visiting various national parks. This particular book focused on a woman who wandered off into some mountains for reasons lost to my imperfect memory. There she met a dragon, several in fact, and while not exactly welcomed at first her presence was at least tolerated after she helped a female dragon lay an egg that was not aligned correctly. After which she ended up forming a deep bond with a male dragon; I think it was called something like the soulsong, which for the dragons was how they bonded with their mate. When this came to the attention of the dragon council they were not impressed, and insisted it was impossible. I don't remember exactly what series of events transpired that eventually led to her mate becoming human. This is where we get back to me, at that point I can't really explain all the feelings that were rushing through me, but in the forefront of my mind I couldn't help but feel it was so wrong, that she should have become a dragon, not the other way around.

    That was a strangely emotional moment for me, I couldn't really feel happy for the characters, it just felt so wrong to me, such a twisted cruel fate. Of course at the time I ended up just brushing it off, shrugging my shoulders, and muttering something about artistic license, but that scene would periodically come back to my mind and I would feel anew the pain and wrongness of it, despite the character's happiness. And it is from that experience that I begin to build my case for being otherkin. There is no logical train of thought I can compile which would explain that deep emotional reaction outside of having some skin in the game. Not just my brief attachment to the characters desire to be happy, not even an obsession with dragons that largely consisted of simply collecting things depicting dragons. The first is easily invalidated by the point that they were happy, and the second would not justify any more than a brief disappointment at the artistic direction. Neither could explain, or justify, just how gut wrenchingly wrong the scenario felt.  

    Of course I just tried to ignore it and move on with my life, but I could never really get it out of my head. It gnawed at me, not constantly, but when it did it really hit hard, I'd pace and ponder it, rewrite it my head the way things should have gone, it honestly took up far more of my concentration than I could justify so I did my best to just put it out of my mind. I was generally successful in this endeavour, but I could never quite shake it.

    Life went on, as it is prone to do, but I never felt fully at ease with myself, I found myself searching for information like "How to become a dragon", "I am a dragon", and in the first few links I found little information of use. Just people trying to hawk magical goods, and spell books, or links to various novels. There was nothing there for me, nothing that explained the somewhat strange feeling I had of not really belonging, of not quite feeling right in my own skin. Finally in some frustration I searched FYIAD (F*** You I Am A Dragon) only to be greeted by a know your memes page documenting it. My initial response was that of elation, finally I found something related to what I was feeling and not the usual rarely changing useless stuff I had been accustomed to seeing.

    But while reading the page I got the impression that the otherkin community was somewhat immature to herald a statement that ended discussion as a common answer in a debate. So I moved on, but the name stuck with me and I pondered it on occasion. My next encounter with the otherkin community came when I ran across a youtube video making fun of them, and that time I decided to dig a little deeper and found a few videos from kin who struck me as being normal reasonably well adjusted beings. This alleviated some of my issues with the label and while I was not entirely sure I wanted to adopt it, I at least left it on the table. Then finally after much introspection I concluded that the preponderance of my experiences left me with little room to doubt my draconity, and while I do not run around proudly telling people I am otherkin I did decide the description fit, and now here I am.

  15. So the last time I made an entry here, it was awfully depressing. At the time, I was certain that I was Amphitherekin because it's just who I am, without question. I would return to that life instantly because the body is so natural and the way that I existed mentally is something I wish I could still do because it feels much more natural to me. But I was struggling greatly with "Teluuruu" as I called myself. (Names are a little complicated now, I'll discuss that more later. For now, my Western Dragon self I'll just call being Loss.) 

    The reason that Loss gave me so much trouble is that I was frustrated that I didn't feel as much of a "I am Loss" connection as I did with being an Amphithere as far as my body. But my memories of being Loss, and the emotions tied to it are so central to who I am as a person even today, even though the things that happened to me as Loss didn't happen in this life or to this body. More than anything, it was confusing because I had more shifts as an Amphithere than I ever had as Loss. There was also a feeling of wanting to cut ties with being Loss because of all the... well, loss. There's so much negative emotion from living that life. But I've been making my peace with it more and more, distancing myself from the emotion while still respecting what an effect that had on me. 

    Those struggles aside, I'm kind of excited to share what all I've really come to terms with during my hiatus. I've done a lot of meditation and just making peace with thigs, and a lot of memories became much clearer, and I feel so much more comfortably truly being Kin as Loss and not just "yeah it was a past life but MOVING ON TO OTHER THINGS." 

     

    For starters, names. My actual name was Iosise, and damn was it such a relief for that name to come to me. Teluuruu was my name when I lived in arctic areas--given to me by the Inuit-ish people that lived there, I think--but Iosise was the name given to me by my mother, and it was the name I gave my mate when I met him. 

    I don't remember my mate terribly well, but he wasn't around terribly long. I remember it was something like a teenage whirlwind romance. He made all the promises of security and a forever love, and I delighted in it. He left--I don't know why--and never came back. He was definitely dead, not just missing. So I was grieving from that for a ridiculous amount of time. Dear lord, what an emo dragon. But on top of that, I had a clutch of eggs just before or just after he left, whichever. All of them died but one. I remember having one wee hatchling. I don't really remember much about the hatchling. Maybe it died after that, in a SIDS-esque sort of way, or maybe I wasn't much of a maternal creature, or maybe those memories just haven't come back.

    Most of my memories after this are the ones that inspired my username and were the first memories I acquired. Being grumpy and emo in the mouth of my cave, threatening to eat any traveler that couldn't tell me a good story or share some interesting memories. This was when I pretentiously told them all to call me Loss. I've had these memories for quite some time, so nothing is particularly new here. 

    As for right now, I'm trying to remember more about the hatchling. I really lean towards the idea that it died shortly after hatching, but I'd like the answer to be different, of course. Not that it matters much since I'm here now. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but wonder just a little if maybe my mate and any dragon kiddos reincarnated too. It's a silly thing to hope for, but I'm curious anyways. 

     

    Not much at all has changed about being an Amphithere. That part of me is so simple and set in stone. It's never given me much trouble, except for the whole "I kinda feel like I'm appropriating Nuahtl culture so I'm not going to express this part of myself very much" thing. But as for me being at peace with that side of me, it's really not an issue and hasn't been for a long time. 'Tis what it is. 

    I've dropped any other kintypes. I had a couple floating around for a while, but I'm content with these two "labels." Anything else is more like a cameoshift of my identity, is the best explanation I could come up with. It's nothing lasting and nothing that really is me. All I've really done during this hiatus is a) really establish some more memories and b) become more comfortable with the labels I'm giving parts of who I am. Those parts just happen to have past lives, one of which is UNECESSARILY EMO. Lighten up, Iosise. Geeze. 

    Anyways, this was a bit of a long read, so kudos to those who stuck it out. I'm hoping to be a much more chill dragon than I used to be. Peace out! 

    -Loss

     

  16. alderkin
    Latest Entry

    In this world, when it rained, all the world flooded so we all had to get into boats in order to stay afloat. People would go onto other people's boats to raid them, and then the oceans went back down they would do the same with the re-emerging houses. Because of this, people would stockpile and trade weapons with each other. Most weapons were saws or other sharp woodworking tools.

    A white blond-haired, green-eyed traitor tried to stab me when I refused to buy a saw from her. I jumped back to dodge. She collapsed back into her chair and stared at me with now-listless eyes. Now that I was a safe distance away I could study her more clearly. She was wearing all dark gray clothes, but they made a striking contrast with her eyes and hair.

    Sometimes people shared houses and boats just to help each other stay afloat. When my house re-emerged, there were a bunch of ambiguously-brown, black-haired people with black hair. They were smoking and living in the garage. They kept to themselves, but they seemed to like me, because they let me help them fix the wall of the garage.

    Then the sea rose again. I found myself stuck on another family's boat, so I hid belowdecks. There I found Elliot's father at a high table, drinking whiskey by himself. When I approached, he didn't recognize me, but then I said, "I just want to say thanks. For everything. You weren't always the best dad, but you tried your best, and that was enough."

    My dad from this life came downstairs just as I was saying this. He asked me who I was talking to, and Elliot's father la ughed, but I could see that he was shocked by what I had told him.

    I just walked past my dad and went abovedeck, and out of the dream.

  17. I've been thinking over my connection to red kites for a long time now. It's something which has always been there, but which I've never quite understood.

    I don't view it as a kintype, because while it has a large influence on my life I don't feel it is me. And I don't view it as a heart-type because, although I do deeply connected to this bird, I feel like that comes from an external influence rather than from within myself.

    For a few years now I've described it as something similar to a totem spirit, mainly because I had no better way to describe it. It does feel like a separate spirit who is connected to me. But calling it a totem never really felt right. It doesn't feel like there is any purpose to our connection. It feels more like we simply exist separately and share some sort of link.
    Someone suggested it could be a headmate a while back and while that doesn't feel right (as I don't believe this bird exists within my mind/body) it did make me think of how I get cameo shifts from my connection to Tor. Then Tor suggested that perhaps the bird split off like him.

    Tor believes he is a part of my soul which split off to gain it's own identity, yet remained closely connected and shares this life with me. Now, Tor is still very much a part of me, but perhaps this bird split off further. Gaining a life separate to mine, yet retaining some sort of connection.

    Through all the various different explanations I've used to explain my red kite connection over the years this feels the closest. I've always had a feeling that this bird has been with me for a long time. Not just through this life but through previous lives, and the idea it may once have been a part of my soul just feels... right. It's not a part of me anymore, but I still feel its influence through that remaining connection.

    I've been mulling over this possibility for a while now and to be honest I expect to keep questioning it indefinitely. I doubt I'll ever really feel sure of anything, but for now this explanation feels more right than any other I've found.

  18. As I type this I am listening to His Theme, Asriel's Undertale theme that has been orchestrated, and before I had the idea to type this I was sitting on my couch crying because of this song. This is not the first time this has happened, believe it or not. I find music that reminds me of those lives, let it be from Undertale or Adrian von Ziegler or Peter Crowley, I connect to my Kintypes not through meditation or writing or art but through music; most often than not leaving me balling on the floor for thirty minutes straight trying to keep this "shifting-high" from wearing off, because I don't care if the entirety of it is me remembering my family's death- I care if I feel who I was before. I love who I am now, and I don't want to change this "human experience," but there will always be a part of me wishing to remember it all- past and present. 

     

    I just wanted to say that.

  19. Amazonite
    Latest Entry

    So I was just sitting around and listening to love songs, as one does. And even though I've never dated anyone, one of them really hit me. As in, gave me memories. I started thinking of my last mate from my dragon life. In that moment, I missed her more than anything. Which brought up a question: If I could see her again, would I? I think the answer is no. For one thing, my species didn't mate for life. We'd meet, live together for a few years, then go our separate ways. In that case, it makes no sense for me to miss her.

    It's probably because I'm lonely. I've never had a bond that strong with anyone in this life. But I want one. My mind likely pulled up memories of the most recent instance of such a bond in an effort to comfort me. Not that it helped. Now I miss someone in addition to feeling sorry for myself.

    But no matter how much I miss her, I still don't want to see her. Because I know she's moved on. Time in that world has continued, even though I'm not there. Even I had moved on. A bit of nostalgia shouldn't change that.

  20. Alrighty, so I haven't been on in awhile. In search of the name of what I am. I've been researching a ton of mythology and facts and fiction. I finally found something that clicked and then went on to something else. I felt bad for some reason that I didn't spend enough attention on what I had found out. I just wanted to put a name to what to call the soul that was within me. Which I found to be a Rabisu. Which the description I found matched perfectly and clicked with me on a level I can't explain. And I didn't think of this till now, I stopped researching all together after this and found some actual clarity on the matter. I didn't however spend enough time to come to terms with it. Its one thing to find out what I was and another to keep it going, keep the energy flowing of acceptance which I didn't do. Putting a name too it, just gave me recognition. Not the actual acceptance of myself that I'd actually been looking for. So here I am again. Back to the beginning, but this time something to work towards and the info I needed. I've learned a ton and I'm glad. Within this site, I gained the knowledge and pushes towards the goal I had initially set out to finish. And started a lot more. I'm delving into the world of Angels and tarot and Mythology. And more and more keeps popping up. I feel like I'm out of time for everything. Meditation is new to me now.

    Anyways enough rambling I guess. I just wanted an update. And that's what I put out there. Probs more complicated than it had to be. But whatever. That's just me and how I work.

  21. hey what to do when i love somebody

    but they hate me

    and they are also fictional 

    like me -b

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    As I've only recently come to terms with being otherkin, I wanted to spend a little time researching and getting my bearings with the whole thing before telling anyone. Then, once I was sure about my identity, I started to join the online kin communities (such as this one, tumblr, and Discord servers). I'm really grateful to the online kin community that I've encountered so far: everyone's much calmer and kinder than I expected, to be honest. I had some negative expectations coming into this, and I was scared for a long time, but I'm so much happier now that I've started to interact with others like me. 

    After I'd "come out" (albeit anonymously) online, I thought I'd just leave it there. I don't have very many friends to begin with, and I was sure that those I do have wouldn't take my identity very well - they're not mean or anything, I just knew they wouldn't understand and was worried they'd make fun of me or think less of me. The thing is, I've just been so excited to explore the nonhuman sides of me, and I started thinking about all the awkward situations that might arise if my friends accidentally found out that I'm otherkin... What if they saw otherkin blogs on my tumblr dashboard? What if I accidentally put kin-related stuff on the wrong blog? What if they found some of my kin musings on my laptop? I didn't want to have that conversation, at least definitely when I wasn't expecting it. 

    So, earlier today, I decided to "come out" as otherkin to my two best friends. I can't really think of a better phrase than "coming out" but it still sounds funny to me in this context. Anyways - it went way better than I expected! They don't really understand it, which is nothing surprising, but they both said that it doesn't change their opinions of me at all. In fact, when I explained my kintypes to them, they even encouraged me to get kin-related tattoos! That was extra awesome for me, because I've been planning my selkie tattoo for months now, and I think I'm going to follow through with their idea of me having a tattoo for each kintype. <3 

  22. Silverwing
    Latest Entry

    First, I want to thank those who have commented on my prior entries, albeit without unnecessarily pinging them: Kergulen, Shezep and Opossumblossum. Thank you for your insights and willingness to read and respond to the incoherent ramblings of a random user. As for those who have read and not responded for reasons of their own, thank you for taking the time to give them a look. While I only have the view counter to go by and I realize several are from myself or those mentioned above, I appreciate it never the less.

    Now, for the actual subject of this particular entry, following closely on the heels of my vent that was apparently posted not too long ago. It feels like weeks have come and gone since I wrote it, but the publish date does not lie; even if my mind is trying to convince itself otherwise.

    Ever since I wrote that entry and got everything off of my chest, then proceeded to look at the new possibilities and almost immediately rule out one of them, I find I have become... content. This is not due to being able to eliminate one of the possible kintypes I had been considering, but from a personal realization and the actualization of the kintype through an artist I fell in love with. To explain, I do not experience phantom limbs (as far as I am aware) and instead I go off a variety of other signals and 'signs'. One of the ways I help myself understand whether or not something may be close or completely off is by having an artist work with me in bringing this possibility to life through a visual medium. However, instead of seeking them out and commissioning someone I know would do the idea 'justice' because they are comfortable with the particular subject, I post wanted threads and see who it attracts. Every time I have done this, the right person has always shown up eventually (a reminder for when I feel deeply impatient) and not once has an artist I have worked with previously responded to the new one. Instead that only seems to occur with my more generalized threads, for when I am seeking original character work as opposed to something on this level.

    I do not know if there is a particular term for going about it this way or if it may be frowned upon, but I find it has helped me a great deal throughout the years and I am ever grateful to the artists who have worked with me. Never the less, the reason I find myself posting about this is not only due to the prior entries, but the fact that I felt such a sudden... change in my overall demeanor and thoughts. I no longer feel this positively frantic need to try and figure out my kintype, something that has been plaguing me for longer than I care to admit. Even when I identified (I may still?) as a machine entity, I still felt that fiery desire burning within me; albeit to a vastly lesser extent than it had been before. As the title says, I am at ease and I am at the most calm I have been in such an incredibly long time. Even my family has taken notice and, oddly enough, my baby boy cat Thanatos. Then again, I have an incredibly intuitive and empathetic family, so any changes in me are noticed immediately. Though they have also noted how... I suppose 'drastic' this one is, especially compared to what is considered normal for me to go through.

    While I am exceedingly pleased and quite ecstatic with these developments, I do feel incredibly shy with regards to discussing or even mentioning what exactly my identity is. To be quite frank I have never quite been at ease with people who have this particular identification or 'label', given what I have seen from the wider community. However, I also understand I should never judge an entire group and instead make informed decisions based on the actions of the person. Granted it still makes me incredibly hypocritical to feel uneasy, given my prior complaints and commentary with regards to how people view those with a machine identity as a group; but I suppose that is one of the more unfortunate facets of human thought.

    Regardless, I am quite content and I will be happily looking into all of the new avenues which have opened to me. I will also be deeply considering my machine identity and whether or not it is as I had believed or if it is a heart type. Of course, looking at my identity as it stands now, it makes complete sense as to why I view machines as I do and why I possibly mistook it as being who I was. Granted this is not an affirmation for or against it, just a brief observation on one of several possibilities now on the table.

    This endeavor is going to be both exhilarating and terrifying for the sheer scope it now encompasses...

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    Sometimes I think, if only I'm an vampire: beautiful, sexy and strong. I broke up with my boy friend 1 year ago, My world collapsed down. I wanna die. I'm fat, ugly and stupid. Maybe that was the reason why he didn't want to waste time with me. Then he left. At that time, I cried so much. I used to be quite good looking. When I was at secondary school, I played basketball so my body was fit. But when I got addicted to manga and anime, I learned to stay up late and eat fastfood,  my skin and body got worse and worse. And it kept on and on until I entered university. I met a boy, love him and was abandoned. I regretted. I wish I were a vampire. But it is just fictional, right? 
    Then, I wanted to get out of this situation, I decided to refresh myself. I did exercise day by day. You know, it is really difficult for me as I didn't act so much for a long time. Sometimes I wanted to give up, but I tried again and again. Then, I worked very hard, and save some money, enough to travel to several countries. I want to go and learn more, to renew my soul. And I found that, travelling is something really great! I often chose mountain to visit, climb up and conquer high mountain. This experience is the most wonderful thing in this world. The I think, life is so beautiful and short, why I have to waste it for a person who even doesn't care about me. I have to learn the way to love myself first. When I love myself, I will make it as beautiful as possible, and I will become sexy and strong as a real vampire!
    (Here are some photos I took when I visit Himalaya. Actually, they don't look so good like this, I edited it :))) with  photo studio apk )

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