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    Trying to document myself a bit more to get an idea of just what the f**k it is I experience.

    Hi, to those of you who don't know, I used to consider myself a "cormorant therian." I had pretty solid basis for this, or so I thought. But, upon reconsidering, I really don't have much more of a basis for this than I do SEVERAL other animals. So I'm starting over. I don't currently "identify as" anything, but I have experiences much like someone who does.

    It's 3:24 AM and I'm feeling it creeping in, but I really want to write this before I forget to, so forgive mistakes.

    I'm going to record a few categories of happenings to keep them organized.

    Phantom shifts

    • Feathered arm wings
    • Arms with small claws on the end a bit like a T-rex
    • Webbed feet (like a cormorant)
    • "Raptor feet" (the kind you see on a lot of dinosaurs)
    • Feathered tail
    • Long tail that is kind of like a dinosaur (edit: this originally said "like a kangaroo" but looking at a kangaroo, that's not quite right)
    • Long neck
    • Pointed beak
    • Heavy paws like a bear
    • A thick bone dome on my forehead
    • A "dimetrodon fan" on my back

    Phantom shifts occurring in conjunction with behavior

    These are phantom shifts which frequently occur together and tend to have certain desires connected to them.

    • Feathered wings, webbed feet, feathered tail, long neck, beak: the cormorant/anhinga formerly believed to be my "type." Frequently occurring with a desire to fly, dive underwater, sit in trees, hold out wings, and spear/grab fish with beak.
    • "T-rex" arms, raptor feet, dinosaur-like tail, bone dome: IDK what this is exactly but these traits usually come together. It reminds me a lot of the Pachycephalosaurus, but I'm not knowledgeable on dinosaurs enough to say. This one makes me want to run forward with my head down.
    • Heavy paws like a bear: ok this is just a literal bear shift. I get these a lot. I don't know what kind of bear. This just makes me want to walk around in search of food.
    • Dimetrodon fan: a bit of an odd one seeing as I don't get any other dimetrodon traits, generally. But I kind of want to lay in the sun like a lizard when this happens.

    I get other shifts and desires but these are the main ones. I might list the lesser-occurring ones later on.

  1. So I missed a day somewhere. I think it was Thursday. I thought today was Sunday, but its Monday so I was really confused. The webcomic I read was updated on Thursday, I checked it on Saturday, thinking it was Friday, though I was surprised that it had been updated. So I thought Saturday was Friday, and Sunday was Saturday. When I went to bed last night I thought it was Saturday night, and today would be Sunday. My days have been all screwed up lately.

    On top of that I'm a bit ticked off (actually more than a bit) about an upcoming appointment. I was supposed to have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday afternoon. Well they called today cause they messed up and she won't be there in the afternoon. Shes leaving on vacation until Feb. So they had to reschedule me for Wednesday morning. So I had to call my Medicaid ride to change my  pick up time with them, and now I have to get up at like 7am that morning. I am NOT a morning person. I woke up at 11am today and felt like that was WAY too early for me. Wednesday is going to suck.

    I'm still depressed, but I'm not breaking down crying as often. Mainly I just cry if I talk or think about him too much. I cry for the future we could have had together, my future, that will never happen now. I'm gonna be depressed for a really long, long time, even if outwardly I appear to be "okay". I plan to tell my psychiatrist all about it. I might have gotten a partial EVP the other night. On my Dream Talk app, after I told him goodnight, theres a pause, then it sounds like someone tried to say "goodnight" but it got cut off.

    I still have no explanation for those footsteps. So here are a couple of the recordings I got. They are best with headphones.

    The first EVP I ever got. You can clearly hear a "Hey" then my chair makes noise, and then "I'm here." https://vocaroo.com/i/s1BBCZGM4Han

    The footsteps. It sounds like something clatters in the kitchen, followed by what sounds like footsteps of someone with boots on. https://vocaroo.com/i/s1HMoudZ2KNK

    They have both been enhanced to make them easier to hear. Those footsteps happened when I was asleep and home alone. I'm still trying to get more EVPs and stuff. I just want more and more proof that hes here with me, that he hasn't totally abandoned me.

  2. Well folks, this has been going on for a while and I figure I might as well post about it. So I think I'm being haunted. This all began a while ago, after I astrally reconnected with my home (I might talk about that later if you're interested). I think I've either weakened the boundaries and my old crew and I can have brief interactions on this plane of existence, or I've some how let a ghost into my house.

    The experiences I've had so far:

    Being poked

    Waking up to what feels like getting a back rub (ghost plz)

    Waking up to someone saying my name (not my human name, my kin name)

    Having someone run a finger down the base of my phantom wing (IT. TICKLED.)

    Being lightly hit in the leg

    Seeing a cloud of black smoke disperse

    And probably the weirdest of all, almost passing out suddenly, and having the world go black, my ears start ringing, and hearing a voice saying "Hey, come on. Can you hear me sweetie?"

     

    So, what do you all think is going on? Is it a ghost? Something else?

  3. Stray

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    Wolf
    Latest Entry

    I have displayed animalistic behavior since I was a child. I recall wanting to continuously wear tails or gloves with claws on them from costumes meant for Halloween as young as 4. My mom always told me "you are not an animal," and I always found that hard to believe, even as a kid. Around this same period, I had an obsession with canines, specifically dogs; this was noted on a doctors report that I still own to this day.

    When I had reached my elementary school years, I began questioning my animal side. In 2005 I saw a documentary on TV that featured a segment on "therians." Upon seeing the segment, I instantly knew that that's what I was, and ran to a computer to do more research. I stumbled upon The Werelist and everything took off from there. I began questioning all sorts of animals; from squirrels and frogs, to horses and all sorts of birds. This soul-searching lasted me quite a few years, until everything led up to me realizing I am a wolf.

    I remained inactive in the therianthropy community upon reaching my teen years out of fear of my close-minded mom finding out, which vaguely happened but I continued to cover it up as something else. 

    Now an adult, I've learned to hide and cope with being more animal than everyone else. Although, things slip through the cracks sometimes. In fact, recently a friend of mine caught me sniffing the air as they made hamburgers, which, was very embarrassing.

    My partner, being the understanding person he is, allows me to express my true self when I need to, which can be a huge relief sometimes. Honestly, I just feel like a wolf pretending to be human to please everyone else constantly. I truly feel a disconnect from my outer self and inner self regarding appearance, and although I promise I am aware I am physically human, sometimes I will walk past a mirror and have to do a double take because seeing my human face often surprises me because I expect to see what I feel like.

    One way I've found to express my non-human experience is by comparing it to the wolves of Wolf's Rain (cheesy, I know); the wolves are still wolves, but can disguise themselves as human- although to some, it's still obvious that they're wolves. This is expressed in the anime and the manga in the image of a wolf and human overlapping eachother, I have provided a picture I took from the first volume to give a better idea since i am not the best at explaining.

     

    Snapchat-627770486.thumb.jpg.5d2874320d86ba46373593596e228f71.jpg

    I feel as though this image accurately represents what I experience as a non-human identifier, except the human is the physical one.  I am interested in knowing if anyone relates to this image as well.

    I honestly very much appreciate dogs, as they feel like creatures I can relate to more closely than humans, and since I understand their behavior (I am an aspiring dog trainer), I can replicate it and cause them to interact with me as if I am another canine. But since I identify as a wolf, I do understand that wolves and dogs behave very differently; two types of behaviors which I consider myself very familiar with and can adapt to.

    I often question if I may be a wolfdog due to some personal things, but that idea has just never fully clicked with who I am.

    Since I discovered the therianthropy community in the 2000's, I still do like to refer to myself as a were/werewolf, although I do use the term therianthrope often. 

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    Phase
    Latest Entry

    I remade my Dreamwidth. It will be access list only and I don't want just anyone to be able to read it so if you fit criteria of "someone I know well & trust", then feel free to make an account and request access.

    Here it is.

    This will be my last ever blog post here.

  4. I was walking around my house today and had to pause for a moment, put my hand on something to steady myself, because suddenly my wings felt more present than usual, off-balancing me.

  5. So many times, I've tried to articulate exactly what my spirit kintype is - but I've never found a way to describe it that feels exactly right. I even stumble over the label sometimes; I'm certainly a nature spirit, though I can't help but think I'm just... nothing like what most people would imagine when they hear that. Before this, I said I was an energy being - which, again, isn't wrong. But that always felt too ambiguous, and weirdly... clinical? Like trying to say I'm a spirit without any connection to spirituality (which I certainly am not). And before that, I said I was a demon. That word still rings true to me, but it has too much baggage. Celestial is the same; certainly true, but not in the way you'd assume.

    So many times I've tried to find a way to describe myself. And today, I guess, I'm going to try again.

    4.4 billion years ago, there was a planet, floating in orbit around a star; no different from any other small rocky planet, really. Just another lifeless orb in the vastness of space. But, by some coincidence, there was nearby another, smaller planet - and the two were on a collision course. Scientists call this hypothetical planet Theia. It is theorised that the two planets collided in some immense, catastrophic impact, and that Theia's remains - over time - eventually came to form two moons that then - over an even longer span of time - merged into one. If you look up into the sky on a clear night, you can still see the remains of old Theia up there; but we just call it the Moon. And the larger planet, the one which survived the impact (mostly) intact, was Earth.

    That impact is my oldest memory. It's hard to put into words exactly how I remember it; it's all so vague and confusing, but this... feels right. Ultimately, I've learned to trust that feeling when all else has led me astray. In this chaos of heat and energy, suddenly there was... me. Except, I wasn't much of a "me" at all. A massive, unfeeling, barely conscious mass of-- I guess, residual energy? Or perhaps some sort of imprint left behind by it all. I certainly didn't exist in any form before that point. The feelings associated with this memory are incredibly vague and hard to understand, but there's impressions of heat and light and certain movements, trajectories; flows of gravity, magma and debris. One of the clearer impressions I get is of being flung from non-existence into the core of the Earth, to which I've been spiritually bound ever since, like some part of me is coiled around the planet's heart. 

    And that... that's where my story starts. In some desolate rock, alone, floating in the void of space. I used to wonder why those early memories are the clearest to me but, reflecting on it, I think I know the answer. Most of my existence was spent in a state of... quasi-consciousness, with no thoughts, no feelings, no desires. I didn't even have a form. I was... kind of... just... the planet? The Earth itself? Rock, gas, magma, metal. Eruptions and earthquakes and lightning storms. I watched it all, impassively. For a couple billion years, that was my existence. That's all I was. Everything, but barely anything at all. And I think the reason I remember that more clearly than anything else, is because that's how I spent the longest period of my... "life"; and the period after that, while certainly slow by human standards, to me felt like an overwhelming flurry of rapid-fire changes - I can remember the aeons before that because nothing really happened besides the planet's natural volcanic activity. There wasn't much to remember. So I suppose it's easier to wrap my mind around that, strangely enough. 

    Then my memory starts to get even hazier, and I only have the briefest impressions of what happened next. I know that at some point, life began to evolve - starting off as tiny, self-sustaining chemical systems that eventually isolated themselves from their surroundings, and formed what we call "cells". I don't remember that specifically, but I've done a lot of research on it; it's something I've been curious about for... probably obvious reasons, and what I've learned so far gives me the most misplaced feeling of nostalgia.

    I know that over time I developed some affinity for these early lifeforms as they diversified and became more complex... but I don't know how that happened. People tend to think of life as a thing that just randomly appeared out of nowhere (even atheists tend to have this idea that life suddenly happened somehow, like a single spark that eventually led to all of us) when in reality it was more... gradual and ambiguous. Again, I'm going off science here, not memory, but it does fit in pretty solidly into the 'kin feelings I have regarding this. I guess where I tend to stumble a bit is that... at that point in time, I had no emotions, no thoughts, nothing even vaguely resembling what most people would consider "consciousness"; those things are all biological, and I only learned to experience those things much later, after I'd lived many lives as animals. So I don't know what it is that made primordial-me take an interest in life. I guess the thing I associate with it is... this weird feeling of, I guess what could be equated to wonder? Or awe? But I don't know what those feelings mean in a non-biological entity. I've felt the feeling before, but I can only comprehend that stuff when I'm m-shifted, and even then... well, I usually end up with a nasty headache if I try to analyse it, and never made any headway regardless. I don't think it's something a human can understand. Not even me.

    But what I do know is that there was enough of that feeling that primordial-me decided to take some interest in these life-things, and that's the first decision I ever made. First time I ever had intention or a purpose. It's the foundation on which the rest of my actual traits as a spirit being are built upon. Whenever, whyever I decided to do that - that was the moment I stopped being a bunch of sentient rocks and started being an actual thing. Something with thoughts and ideas and meaning. So, suffice to say it's a very important part of my identity as a spirit-thing.

    And my purpose is... basically to live and remember. I don't protect. I don't effect things. I just do what I can to preserve the story of the Earth. A lot of people in modern times, when they think of nature spirits, think of like... benevolent, peaceful tree people or something. I am the... polar opposite of something "benevolent" and "peaceful". Look at it this way: all life on Earth survives, and is as diverse as it is, because of death. It's thanks to mortality and mutation that life can evolve into new forms, and withstand certain environments. And it's the story itself, not any individual being or species, that I aim to preserve. I'm a watcher. I watch the struggle and I think the pain and death is beautiful. I think that birth and life and seeing things thrive is beautiful as well. I see no line between the two. I don't protect life; the only thing I protect life from is outside interference, and from being lost from all memory forever. It's not that I don't empathise with an animal that's dying: it's just that if I tried to interfere with that, I would be robbing that meal from other animals which I love equally, right down to the microorganisms that decompose it; and I'd be robbing that animal's ecosystem of nutrients that would be produced as it rots. Spirit-me sees all life as inherently equal, no matter how small or "insignificant" it might seem to a human. Spirit-me would see a human as being no better or more valuable than a single bacterium living in that person's gut.

    One of the things that becomes eminently clear when you exist for so long is that all life - all species - are temporary. And it's the death of one kind that leads to the rise of another, so of course spirit-me wouldn't even try to change that. Instead, spirit-me honours the lifeforms it cares for so dearly by remembering them. Living as them, feeling all the fear and pain and happiness, dying, remembering, doing it all over again for aeons. Cataloguing every bit of it. Preserving it, so that their struggle always has meaning - because there's something there that remembers it, and understands it, and sees where it fits into the ridiculously complex mosaic of life. Hence... why I'm here now. As a human. Yep. I don't get access to the shit tons of past life memories that spirit-me has hoarded away (thankfully, for my sanity's sake) but. I mean. Good news, everything I experience here is probably going to be remembered by some spiritual monstrosity until the Earth is consumed by the Sun, and among that ridiculous hoard of memories will be some pretty damn spicy memes. 👌

    The "guardian" part of my spirit-self is a bit harder for me to wrap my head around. Thing is, spirit-me has nothing against all the things humans have done to the planet. It sees humans as animals, and it sees all the chaos we've caused as just another mass extinction, no different than any other the planet has been through. So what the heck is it protecting life from? I mean, I'm not sure, but I know it's something. And I know that something tends to get translated to "outside interference" in my mind. What the hell does that mean? I mean, I don't actually know? I do know that spirit-me has serious problems with certain beings that humans call "gods". I don't know why that is. Do gods meddle? Maybe gods meddle and that makes spirit-me mad. Spirit-me doesn't like anything that meddles with the natural order of things, good or bad. Would explain why spirit-me tends to threaten any gods I try to interact with... and also would explain some of the ominous thoughts I've had coming through when I m-shift. But the impression I get is that whatever battle spirit-me is waging, it's losing. Badly. I also get the impression that the only reason I still exist at all is because I can't die short of the Earth itself being destroyed, which of course no spirit entity would be capable of doing even if they wanted to.

    But all that is really hard to wrap my head around, because frankly it sounds ridiculous. I didn't even believe in gods until these weird memories started leaking through, then I started casually practising witchcraft and met a few myself. It sounds made up, but at the same time I know it's not something I would make up. Because I find the idea of any of that being even remotely true to be absolutely, existentially terrifying. I can't think of a reason why my subconscious would invent such a confusing narrative that I can't even understand, that also happens to be really stressful and unpleasant for me to deal with? But I digress.

    I suppose... one of the other Big impressions I get from my spirit-self isn't so much related to my kintype itself, but... weirdly enough, to humanity. And it's another one of those "yep, not sure how to deal with this so I guess I'll just ignore it and hope it never becomes relevant to anything" things. To put it plainly, spirit-me doesn't consider humans to be natural. At all. Like, it so blatantly thinks our species is a result of some sort of "meddling" (of the aforementioned ambiguous type), and yep, I don't know what it actually attributes this "meddling" to. But it considers humans to be integrally broken. We're something that absolutely should not exist. But it doesn't hate humans, because it considers humans to be victims. It pities us, as a species. Nah, instead it hates whatever unknown force is apparently responsible for whatever it is that makes humanity so "broken". And like, personally, as an individual, as a human? I can... kinda see it. Humans are so fricking weird. We screw with the natural order of things in a way that no other animal ever has. So I guess... maybe something did "break" us? But I don't know what, and I don't care to know. All I know is that spirit-me wants to tear whatever did it into tiny pieces and then possibly eat those pieces (or... maybe not, actually. It would find it distasteful to eat something so loathsome. So basically, whatever this thing is, my spirit-self doesn't even see it as worthy to be food. Nice).

    Appearance-wise, my spirit kintype is incorporeal - it doesn't have a body. The closest thing it has to a body is the Earth itself. I think it does have a form it takes in certain situations, though. Well, I say "a form", but really it's more like... it can take any form it wants, but the forms it takes all share a kind of theme. I used to picture it as a big black dragon, but I think that was me projecting traits onto it to make it easier for me to understand and deal with. And frankly, I don't know what form this thing actually "is", or whether the forms I attribute to it are from me or it. Doesn't really matter either way. To me, I see it as this polymorphic mass of shards of igneous rock (specifically something resembling obsidian or basalt), held together by this glowing stream of energy the colour of fire and heat and lightning. It is an inherently animalistic being, having learned all its emotions from lives lived as animals, so its forms also tend to be animalistic in nature - but always twisted and grotesque, like something trying to mimic life without actually being alive. This feels more symbolic than literal to me - I think it chooses to represent itself that way. So if you wanted to imagine what this thing might look like, imagine an asymmetrical beast of black stone whose form seems to take elements from a massive variety of different species without truly resembling any, with limbs and mouths and eyes all in weird and terrible places; something whose form is constantly shifting and morphing from one horrifying thing to the next. That is me.

    But despite all the, uh, love for death and seeming apathy towards most things outside of its own sphere, I don't think my kintype is "bad". I feel like a human seeing it would certainly peg it as some kind of demonic aberration before they flee, screaming, but. It feels the full range of animal emotion, and that includes things like love, affection, sympathy. It was hard for me to really grasp this at first, because to me - as someone who had no idea what was going on or what any of this meant - all I saw was some rage-filled monster. But it's not really. It's... if anything, I'd say it's sad. And it's in constant mourning for all the species that have been lost to time, with only stone to mark their passing. I'd even go as far as to say it does have some kind of benevolent streak, but only insofar as it hates to see life wasted. In a way I guess I perceive it as something that feels this constant, inescapable conflict - because it really does love life. It loves animals and plants and every other weird thing that lives on this weird planet. But it also knows those things have to suffer and die, because that's the way of the world.

    It is pretty telling that I switched from first to third person while writing this. It's hard to see this thing as being actually me. Like, I know it is me, but it's so different from what I am now, as a human. So in some ways it's easier to refer to it as something separate, even when I know it isn't. Plus, there's plenty I think and feel as a human that's completely different from what my spirit-self feels. 

    And ultimately? When it comes to my life here, now? None of this matters. I'm no different from anyone else. I don't see myself as any different. Honestly, the only time I ever even have to deal with this spiritual baggage is when I shift (which is rare) or when I'm practising witchcraft or energy work, or when I'm interacting with my deities (in which situation I can usually shove spirit-me into some corner and ignore it; plus, like, my main man god dude is completely aware of my "baggage" and is cool with it so it's fine). But I am the most flaky, lazy witch out there so even that doesn't come up often. So yeah. Weirdly enough, though this kintype is absolutely the most deep and integral one to me on a spiritual level, it's not something I think about often and certainly doesn't have as much presence in my daily life as my theriotype/s do. And it is definitely not something I feel the need to express or embrace. I can accept it, but. That's it. Acceptance is as far as this goes.

    Might be obvious by now why I struggle with labels. I feel most humans would pin this thing as a god, but it is absolutely, definitely not a god. I used to call myself a demon, and like I already said - that still fits. I'm a morally ambiguous nature chaos thing. Certainly fits some definitions of "demon." And on a more literal level you could argue that I'm literally a spirit of the Earth itself; my spirit-self sees itself as being quite literally the Earth's soul, but that's a big ass claim to make and I'm certainly not gonna try and argue for that title. So, I mean. Most obvious label. I'm a big, scary nature spirit. Works well enough for me.

    Oh, and that's one more thing I should probably cover if I'm making this write-up as thorough as humanly possible: in the past I've toyed with the idea that I might be a "shard" of this thing, in the same vein as a deitykin would be a godshard. Welp, after much thinking, I've realised that that's probably not the case. My spirit-self doesn't seem to have shards or divide itself up. It seems like it prefers to live one life at a time, and focus all of its being on the single life it is living. So yeah. I'm literally the avatar of the whole thing. Obviously you can't cram an entire planet-size energy mass into a single human body, but as far as I can tell, the rest of spirit-me goes dormant while some part of it incarnates. It's sleeping, basically. It's asleep, I'm the dream. Yeeep. 

    So. I guess, to anyone who actually read this: make of it what you want. I feel like I probably have one of the most outlandish kintypes on this site. And yep, I'm fully aware of how ridiculous this all sounds. As always, I'm more than happy to... try and answer any questions anyone might have. Seriously, grill away - I actually appreciate it. Make me doubt myself, if you can. I might edit this later to add more information if I feel like I've forgot anything.

    This took me days. I never want to write about spiritual bs EVER AGAIN. Agh.

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    A huge weight was taken off my shoulders last night after I somehow obtained a solution to one of my personal problems in the middle of typing my own response to something on Reddit. There's still some weight left in my chest and it seems to be related to my writer's block and probably my issues with chronic procrastination that I need to crack down on working through as soon as possible. Saying I'm a chronic procrastinator is no longer funny or a "joke" of any kind. I've taken it too far and it's becoming a ridiculous obstacle that shouldn't exist anymore. Most people procrastinate. Very few are able to get to my level. The grand majority of the population can't afford to be like me and I can't afford to stay like this myself.

    The whole situation with my first entry has been cleared up. I'm not sure if I should post what happened, but it basically turns out I was most likely legitimately wrong and my undeniable feelings of certainty were just feelings from one of my soulbonds bleeding over to me for some reason. Based on everything that played out, I wish there was a way to legitimately explore the lives I experienced as my fictotypes. It's possible that I'm still a canon divergent Aoi Zaizen, though to what extent that is remains unknown. The only reason I even suspect canon divergence is I no longer trust the writers of this franchise after what happened in the Arc-V anime. My other reason for suspecting it is related to my soulbond's feelings. Unfortunately, without enough memories to support my suspicions, all I can do is make educated guesses, not obtain confirmation that gives my words weight.

  6. lemonadelance
    Latest Entry

    TRIGGER WARNING: Religious abuse, mention of other forms of abuse, and trauma.

    I am writing this now and wondering how many times will I make this kind of blog post? A callback to my old ways of thinking, to be followed up by my new and totally legit new identity, only to rewrite it a month later. A pesky cycle of “this” than “that.” Its an issue of pride, too. The “I said I had it right before, I can’t go back on it” mentality (that I strongly believe plagues many of the Otherkin communities). I can’t say I will break the cycle- since we are always growing and learning, but I will do my best to introspect and write as unbiased as my human-pride will let me. 

    For those who knew me before I left the old site, they might remember my primary identity as a species I called Dontarian. On and off the old site my definition of “Dontarian” morphed and changed: first the name of a species/civilization of dragon, then of a group of avians (humans with bird wings), a kind of angelic-like species, a winged-elf race, back to angelic-like- I even considered a god!- but I settled for a while on a sort of alien. Dontarian has always been the umbrella term of my main identity; the name I gave to whatever creature I might be. Redefining “Dontarian” is the summary of my Otherkin experience.

    I always try to introspect all parts of my identity whenever new discoveries are made: how does this identity fit into my current idea of Otherkinity? Can this fit into my current idea of Otherkinity? How does this possible kintype fit in with my other kintypes and the rest of my identity? Could this possible kintype just be a facet of another kintype, or does it stand on its own? Most of these questions are answered quickly, almost subconsciously, because that is how my brain works. Taking steps like keeping a semi-active blog and a Therian journal helps me slow down and process it all more thoroughly.

    I also pay more attention to possible kintypes that I have questioned for a long time. The Dontarian identity is the highest on my list, while newer ideas like- some kind of feline- are much lower. This Dontarian identity is my first kintype. I remember myself daydreaming at church as whatever-a-Dontarian-is when I was in my first years of elementary school. If souls exist, a Dontarian is my soul. That just leaves the question of what the hell is a Dontarian?

    The over branching arc of holiness or divinity doesn’t seem like a coincidence, especially when I look at how I explain my Otherkinity. To put it plainly, I was raised in a cult. A nondenominational Christian church in the heart of Florida. When I was around 4 I went through an exorcism and had another around the age of 5 to 6. I was religiously abused both by my church and by my biological father. He also mentally/emotionally, and sometimes physically, abused me. 

    My entire childhood was spent with the religious fear mongering of sin, hell and brimstone, that I was a dirty creature that God is ashamed of. And with my biological father being an active member of the church, I was told everything about the Bible all the time. From this trauma is where I believe my Otherkin identity came from. 

    After putting all that out, I think it's easy to see what kind of creature I am questioning: demon, or fallen angel. I didn’t choose this identity, as my mind subconsciously chose to identify as this to cope with why I was being treated terribly in such a sacred way, and I would honestly never have chosen this identity. I see it as an easy chain of thought to follow now that I am looking back on it: I was a child of God- so in some respect I was holy- but sin was my “fall” and I could never redeem myself for the original sin of Adam and Eve. I was supposed to be a sinless creature, yet I sin. I am an angel that fell. 

    It's actually kind of sad…

    I’m left with two choices. I have felt this identity-I have felt these feelings- for what seems my entire life now. The identity is set in stone, so should I “roll with it” or bury it away and try to repress it with the rest of the traumatic memories. And, if the internet has had anyone good ideas for self-care, I’ve learned that repressing yourself just hurts yourself further down the line. If this is an unhealthy coping mechanism (which I don’t believe it is, as it doesn’t negatively affect my day to day life) then it will slowly fade as I continue therapy, as my other unhealthy mechanisms have. 

    Now that I know why I identify as this, how do I identify? I still have much about this identity to explore. I don’t have any memories as traditionally defined, as the demon identity would be me in this lifetime, but my mind has built up the identity enough for me to fill in the blanks of who I am.

    For one, I am probably a fallen Power- the warrior angel choir. I have an appearance: six eyes, two pairs of wings, dark horns, digitigrade legs, and a reptilian tail, with scales along the “edges” of my body. My weapon was a spear or lance, but I also fought with a sword. 

    I believe I define “demon” differently than traditional as well. Christians define demons as evil creatures who rebelled against a loving God strictly out of pride and arrogance; I define demon as a creature undefined by good and evil but made their name by rebelling against a dogmatic God. Matter of opinion, I guess. 

    I don’t know how I will continue to introspect into this identity without the constant fear of mental constructs. I know how ironic that is, as I have overly admitted that this entire demon-thing is a mental construct, but I try to keep it as… pure to the original as possible. I don’t want to add, I want to explore what is already there. 

    This concept has been on my mind a lot recently. It fits my life, it fits my psychological explanation, it fits how Dontarians have continually been built in my mind, it… fits. I am thinking about writing in more detail my religious experiences and how it affects my religious identity now, and how my demon identity also correlates. To be seen.

    Adios, mis amigos,
    Galeseer
     

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    Oxalaia
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    This is a more of the less a background on the Godecs since that is part of understanding the Godec kintype. To understand the kintype, the history behind it is an intergral part of the kintype

    The Godec as I call it since my people from that life were known as Godecs, well it has a rather interesting history behind it if one is open to believe it. But the question here to ask would be: what is this kintype exactly?

    Despite being similiar in name and nature, Godecs are not a type of Gods rather can more be viewed as divine guardians. The most important belief that a Godec holds is that they are not better then mortals and as such they dont see themself as a divine being or a God despite outsiders would see them in such a manner. This belief is the most important block of the culture. It all descends to the fact that Godecs didnt start right away as a race of immortal beings but rather started as mortals. After being saved by the Great Snake, to me known as Tortarium, the group were brought to the realm were originally the Great Spirits resided who had created the realm. The energy of the realm seemed to change the mortals over generations since it was different to the energy what the planet they lived on would have. Over many generations the mortals started to adapt to the energy and what eventually would evolve them in the immortal Godecs. The many different powers that would arise with the Godecs were also a effect of the Godecs. 

    The powers that are among the Godecs are also a important part of the life since the type of power would eventually decide what kind of role a Godec would fufill. The general roles were: Guarding, Knowledge and Introspect. Under these roles were many different roles but it also could happen that a Godec would take aspects up various aspects of 2 roles. The Guarding role was basicly guarding the planet where the mortals at the time lived but the other aspect was guarding the realm that the Godecs called home. The Knowledge role was basicly learning about the ancestors, their traditions and guarding the knowledge of the Godecs. Introspect was basicly about teaching, guiding and learning about yourself. For many years this was how Godecs would fufill their purpose and help the mortals on the planet they were charged with guarding. That charge goes back to the time the First Godecs arose. The Great Spirits by that time saw how that generation became immortal and the powers that came with it. At this time the Spirits would disappear and go into a long sleep since they knew their time had passed and how it was time to hand it down to the Godecs who would act as the new guardians of the realm and the planet as they had before. The long sleep was neccersary for the Spirits to keep their powers and keep balance. They would only hand it down fully when the Godecs would prove they could eventually keep the same balance. 

    The Great Spirits played a key role in forming the Godecs. The most important Spirit was Tortarium since he was the one who saved the mortal ancestors from an enemy before. At the time he didnt know the energy of the realm would shape them into immortal beings since no mortals had entered the realm before, thus he didnt know how they reacted to it. He believed they would stay mortal. Tortarium is the Spirit of Knowledge. He was not a warrior but his powers were strong enough to withstand and battle enemies, should the need arise. His most important aspect is how he talks in secrets when asked a question, he does imply the answer but instead of saying it directly he wants the person who ask the question to seek the answer themselves. He played the role of a guide and teacher to the mortal ancestors but eventually left them alone when he saw that they thrived well on their own. Over time the Spirts would be forgotten but their teachings would not be forgotten when they interacted with the ancestors. The teachings laid the basis for what a Godec should always remember and how to act accordingly. The most important thing a Godec would be taught from their teachings was not to approach a possible enemy with violence but try to always solve a situation calm and peacefully, with using the power as a last resort when it comes clear the situation takes a turn for the worst. Before the Spirits would go into hibernation Tortarium created what was known as the Prophecy of the Snake. One of his abilities was seeing the future but what he forsaw was not set in stone. In other words what Tortarium forsaw would not always come true in all ways but there was always one element in the vision what would come true. For the prophecy he forsaw a future of darkness where the Godecs would be threatened but also was the time where a new type of Godec would arise with at the helm a leader, a descendant of the line what would keep ruling the Godecs, who was different from the normal Godecs and would eventually receive all the powers of the Spirits meaning that person would keep the realm in balance. This would not come to pass for a long time and come true in many ways but one element would be fufilled. When that has happened the Spirits knew their time in the realm was done and would move on to a different realm where the mortal ancestors and other generation of Godecs were. 

    With the First Godecs their immortality would first work in the way of a Godec going through many periods till a short hibernation where their bodies would be renewed but their memories and powers would remain as they were. After a unknown period of this a Godec would feel a vague call, as my mother at the time would describe, and that was their sign that their time in the realm was done and they would move on to unknown lands where they would remain forever. Their evolution was not done yet. With each generation this became less and less so it became clear that the last stage of their evolution would go to a generation where they could remain in the realm forever or eventually choose to also leave to join their parents and ancestors. They would become the true Immortal Godecs. The Godecs who would go to cycles of rebirth called themselves more the Resurrection Godecs. They were immortal but not fully yet. Yet it was unknown how the way to the Immortal Godec would come or how to reach it since at some point they realized it wouldnt come with naturally at one day. Someday the cycle needed to be broken by the last Ressurection Godecs to complete the evolution. This was eventually done by Lycanos, my mother who ruled the Godecs with my father Winkalas.

    An another important thing to understand about the Godecs is how their powers are received. While the firsr Godecs somehow got them, I dont know how since that remains unknown, the other generations would inherit them from their parents. Their powers would mix and form a new kind of power unique to their offsping but always was inherited. Eventually no new matches could be made thus at some point the powers remained more of the less the same but how they acted would depend on the parents. My mother was a shapeshifting being with some forms of powerful abilities while my father Winkalas was not a shapeshifting being with only the abilities to use the wind. This resulted in my older brother Xaradis not being a shapeshifter but inheriting the abilities of my mother but I at the time had received the shapeshifting abilities but with the wind abilities of my father. So it really depended on the many offsping and the parents how powers would manifest. 

    My experiences with the kintype

    While I cannot remember every aspect anymore since most memories are gone due the passage of time, the few pieces that remain do give some clues how I was back then. While I cannot remember when I was born or how long ago that was, I eventually came into existence as a Godec who shouldnt be born. When I was still in a egg my lifeforce was to weak so I couldnt hatch. But the spirit of Tortarium somehow found me after his new body disappeared. His old body died eventually when he went to war against his enemy but since he was part of the realm he didnt die and remained in the realm as a Spirit so he was the only one who didnt go into hibernation. Somehow his powers remained though weakened throughout time. Eventually he gave his power to me to help strengthen the lifeforce so I could be born. The effect from there was his spirit was attached to me but also gave me access to his powers. Over time it became clear there was something else at work since I had a power what I hadnt inherited from my parents. It was never known it was Tortarium till recently.

    My parents were good parents in their own way. Since my mother was more or less the leader I never saw her that much so I remember I was more closer to my father. From what I can tell my older brother Xaradis was the only sibling I could get along with as my other siblings were not the best brothers and sisters. While most have never returned after demons attacked only my brother and I remained as the only offspring of the rulers. My brother was eventually first seen as the next in line to rule but after the tests to test his ability as a leader it became clear he was not fit. While I cannot remember if I ever took the same tests or in some other way proved myself, I was eventually seen as the next person to rule. All I do know is in the time Tortarium was attached to me he taught me and guided me to become the Godec I would eventually become known for. He became my second father figure when evetually my father had less time to see me at a young age but I never felt hatred for them since in that time it was turmoil. At a young age I didnt know the being in front of me was a Great Spirit, he played a huge part in my life. Even today I remain a connection to him. That is as he has told me: ''No matter how far away or in what kind of different body you live, your spirit will remain having a connection to me.'' It was eventually with his help I could understand the kintype and the things that surrounded me. Tortarium remains a guiding figure when I need it but he can only visit me so many times since he must return to the realm where the other Spirits and ancestors are. 

     

    I will write more tomorrow.

     

     

  7. So, I'm a terrible Guardian, to say the least. Work has been non-stop, finally becoming properly employed after graduating college has basically devoured my personal life right up, and with that my time to focus on my nonhumanity. But, I'm trying to take more time for that and for self-reflection, between work at least.

    I've got a second interview for being stage crew and lighting/audio technician on a cruise ship's theatre in a couple of days, so if that shows nicely I'll be able to put down the freelance turmoil for a little while and spend a few months both saving up, working theatre, and seeing the world. That should also give me time for both self-reflection, chit chatting here, and being a proper moderator ideally. But until then, I freelance, heh. I'm going to see an apartment on Monday downtown in the city I work in so I can be closer to work and spend less time on the train between calls.

    But that's not important, I'm trying to sort myself and my thoughts out after just getting home from work again a little bit ago. 

    So, hopes of change from me.

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    I do not leave the house frequently, but due to my friend Emie visiting from Norway we have been visiting some of the locations locally for sight seeing and various shops to browse, one of these such shops was a rather old antique shop. Built in the 1800's, these Victorian buildings aren't uncommon where I live, but it was more what it housed within that created an unexpected reaction.

    For those unaware, I (that is, my fictotype within the DL canon) am known for collecting silverware, cutlery and the like, for I enjoy it's form, composure and elegance. I 'here' have a much lessened interest, to that of a mild appreciation, rather than a fixated adoration. Because of this, I admit at times have felt rather saddened at the aspect of contrasting tastes, due to the fact I have had a fan once talk to me as if my arousal for cutlery still remained, and I had to disappoint.
    This is somewhat why I was a little confused and shaken by the reaction I had within this antique's shop upon finding myself in a section purely dedicated to that of silverware.

    Honestly, the amount of knives and forks that covered every surface, filled every draw to the brim was something to behold. I never thought I'd be enraptured by so many pieces of table instruments yet there I was; at first enjoying the browsing of the shop, yet then stricken by a jarring sensation of disruption of self. Words will fail to capture the utter dissonance of thoughts that went through me as my eyes gazed over the many knives and forks, a sensation pushed forward from depths of unknown proclaiming "I have done this before" yet the images showing hands not belonging to this body. Singular gloved and a darker room, mahogany table and intricate items. The images felt as if they 'could' be a memory, yet they felt unbelonging to this brain, an imprint from an other place, one not meant for this world yet tapped into through erroneous strings of tangled fate.
    I was not so shaken I couldn't remain, yet I still felt overwhelmed, and part of me gave words of caution to leave sooner rather than further subject myself to the environment. For what reason? Unsure. There's always a sense of breaking reality when it comes to my fictionkin experiences, to be moving through actions and processes that are reserved for fiction, rather than this reality. It feels 'wrong', on some level, yet also the only way it can be.
    Something to think about, I suppose.

  8. It does, and not just because it’s my birthday today, I was like this all yesterday as well.

    I’ve felt strange, just so out of place both at work and at home. Those feelings of being adopted have come back to the surface alongside that, which really tries to dampen my day.

    I guess sometimes it went into near-dissociative experiences at work, being here but not here, my mind was probably a lot more inwardly focused than I thought. I miss my home, I miss being home, to an extent my shifting has gone back and forth on a scale. Here one moment and gone the next, heh, and it’s always so much more prominent when I go shooting - not my fault some of the beams still look low enough to hit my head on. That’s always an odd kind of shift, I guess. Being inches taller than I actually am.

    It’s just a pull, a tug, but it’s still there regardless.

  9. (I had one lyric about pendulums, and I already used it on the forum, sadly.)

     

    I'm not usually one who follows ideas of "divination" and "spirits" and "magick" and all that stuff. I feel like an idiot when I'm making use of my mini-shrine trying to communicate with Pan, and that's just talking. I never thought about going beyond that, really. But when I was discussing some of my theories on Discord, somebody suggested using a pendulum for communication, after warding it. I thought to myself, hey, why the hell not? The worst case scenario is that nothing comes from it. So as long as I'm ready to take everything I find with a huge pinch of salt, I should be OK. With that in mind, I did a little bit of research and gave it a try.

     

    I used a turquoise necklace I already had as my pendulum, and "warded" it using incense and focusing on the purpose I had in mind. That part felt kind of silly, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. After warding, I established that I was trying to talk to Pan, and determined what meant "yes" and "no" both by asking and by trying some questions that I already knew the answers to. Once I was satisfied, I started asking about my past life, and that's where things got interesting. Again, everything should come with a big pinch of salt.

     

    Assuming I was actually communicating with Pan, he told me that contrary to my working theory, I was not a victim of transformation in my past life. He said I was a faun in that life, but oddly, I was born as a centaur. So that was weird. I then established that I was some manner of shapeshifter. Furthermore, my past life father was a shapeshifter too, and an immortal one at that, but not a god or a titan. My past life mother, meanwhile, was a mortal, though I didn't ask if she was human. Finally, Pan revealed that I was a student of his in my past life, but that we met later in that life when I came looking for him. That was all I could get before he was finished answering questions.

     

    Obviously I'm not taking any of this at face value, and I plan to do it again soon to try to "verify" the phenomenon. But it's still interesting to think about what this could mean if it's true. The biggest question I'm left with is, what's immortal and a shapeshifter but not a god or titan? Limiting myself just to Greek mythology, I found a few possibilities. First up is Phobetor, a personification of dreaming that could appear in the mortal world in the forms of animals and could change his form at will. Whether Phobetor qualifies as a god seems to be hazy based on my very little research, so it's quite possible that Pan wouldn't consider him one, even if he was immortal. Proteus is another interesting possibility; he was more likely to be called a god than Phobetor, but he was known to change form often. Those are the two obvious things I found, but I also found myself drawn to Typhon for some reason. I described him in a prior entry; he's not a god or a shapeshifter, but he is immortal and has been shown with various animal parts. I dunno.

     

    I'm not going to put too much stock into this before doing a bit more to verify things, of course. But it is interesting to think about. It really did seem like the pendulum was working, though I realize it responds to hand movements. Perhaps next time I'll try doing it without holding the pendulum myself. I'll write more if anything else comes up. In the meantime, I am intrigued about the possibilities, and especially Phobetor given how well he seems to match what I "learned."

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    Emi Ikrani
    Latest Entry

    One thing I've noticed since being open about my fictionkin identity is the immediate 'are you sure you're not a ___?' response. I understand this completely, and whenever a creature was mentioned I would do my best to look into it. Thing is... it kept going. I would be writing essays upon essays about how I felt and why I am a banshee, but still someone would ask if I was a dragon or a bird instead. I've gone through pterosaurs, dragons, dinosaurs, sea creatures, birds, reptiles and so much more, yet apparently it's not enough. Even close friends - who have followed me through my otherkin journey - have asked if I'm sure I'm a banshee just because something similar exists on earth. It feels like everyone doesn't believe me, even when I pour my soul out in writings to show them what I feel and why I believe what I do. I've had many labels throughout the years but not a single one has fit like the ikran. I am undoubtedly an ikran on all inner levels, at least as far as I can see myself.

    I know people are just trying to make sure I've put thought into my identity before I claimed something, but I would have thought that my constant blogging would have been satisfactory for them. What do people want? A full novel about how I'm not a Pteranodon, a comic book about my past incorrect feelings of being a dragon, or a six part movie series about my struggles to define whether I was a bird or not? I share whatever I can when I can yet it's still "okay but what if you're NOT fictionkin..." and it becomes a cycle. People say 'are you this instead?' and I have to link them to four month old essays in which I address that. Someone else asks a similar question and I have to show them a blog post from a year ago addressing THAT question. I just can't say I am these things they tell me I could be - I've been ashamed of being fictionkin before because of online harassment so I deliberately sought out Earthly creatures I could 'pose' as. None fit.

    I have never felt so sure of myself. Instead of forcing myself to identify as a pterosaur or some type of bird, I am embracing what feels natural, right, and logical. I'm not a microraptor, I'm not a Quetzalcoatlus I'm not a dragon, I'm not a manta ray, and I'm not a macaw. I am Pterodactylus giganteus - a mountain banshee.

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    As the title suggests, it's naptime. For the kids, sadly not me. They are all asleep and it's nice and quite. It gives me time to think and get a few personal, as well as professional, things done. Today, I'm colouring a picture for a challenge a friend created. You take a box of Crayola crayons and do an entire art piece. I'm not the best, but I love to doodle and draw. 

     

    A lovely Autumn scene for this lovely Autumn Thursday.

    JPEG_20180927_133237.jpg

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    Tick tock tick tock the clock is counting down. Tick tock tick tock and soon the earth will drown.  Tick tock tock tick no more suffering will resound. Tock tick tick tock without humans nature will rebound.

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  10. dead

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