Our community blogs
Yes, I'm alive.
I often visited this site as a guest, because I have the habit of only reading the forums and not really contributing anyway.
However, I'm going to leave this account on an hiatus and will retreat from the community. It has nothing to do with the people, but with me.
You see, for the last nearly two years now I was researching in all kind of forums, chatrooms, books and websites about otherkin and later kith. I do think I belong here.
However, this search was not only connected to the wish of explaining my strange experiences with phantom shifts and past live dreams/ visions and my soul feeling as it doesn't quite belong here. It was also the searching for a deeper understanding of myself: of my souls purpose, of this life's purpose.
I recently learned and accepted, I don't have a purpose in this life.
All my past lives -and I had many- had spent their live in servitude and captured in one purpose, which I completed and now am free. I'm here to redefine myself.
There's no wrong or right thing to do to for me, because I have no wrong or right anymore.
That's why my memories are so faint, my personalities so faint and I'm not quite able to gasp what creature I had been. I'm a new blank page, that had been turned over. The reward to what I've done. So searching out the past is nothing but an old habit for me, one I don't need to practice anymore. And I won't.
I want to thank you for all the support I got, you guys are seriously amazing, kind and welcoming and I really hope all of you may find what you are looking for.
A deep bow, big hug, pat and a kiss
No matter how much I think on it, or how many times I will myself to dream it, I can’t remember what it’s like to transform to my vehicle mode.
It was part of our nature. It was intrinsically what made us a unique race (though, of course, we weren’t the only ones that could transform.) I did it so many times: while I survived, while I had fun, while I did anything really. I feel frustrated not having even an inkling of what it was like to transform.
I told a friend once that it probably felt like extreme yoga/ contortion, but that’s just not right. I know it’s not the right explanation, but it’s the closest I could get to explaining it to her in a way that made sense to humans.
Somehow I still haven’t had a dream of transforming. I’d really love if I could.
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I just remembered that this little writing existed (from November 12th of last year). I find I should open up a bit more so here:
I normally don't speak about Cybertronian stuff. My experiences are rather...boring, honestly. I miss others and I miss home and my body is wrong, fragile, too small, too fleshy and it hurts a lot. While I experience other things, those are my main experiences. I do want to mention an experience I had yesterday, though. I was looking for public domain pics to post a joke on Instagram ("If I was to get a job at the post office, would that make it airmail?") and I found this picture.
I can't articulate what I felt when I found that particular picture. It was a feeling I had in my gut along with a sense of bittersweetness. It wasn't really unpleasant but it sure wasn't a pleasant feeling, either. If you get what I mean. I can't translate it. I don't have the words at the moment. I don't know if the words even exist.
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So I’ve been noticing how much my parents don’t trust my neighborhood recently, and with this virus trapping everyone inside their homes it’s gotten worse. Yesterday me, my mom and my three brothers all went to a school in the neighborhood since we knew no one would be there, so we were free to play. We were right, there was nobody there except a bunch of wild birds. Me and my mom were walking laps around the school (it wasn’t a very big school by the way) and somehow we got on the topic of taking walks at night. Now I have been going on walks from 2:00 a.m. to 2:30 a.m. at least once a month, it’s actually very calming and it’s one of the few times I can be myself knowing that no one is around to judge me, you know since their all asleep. But one time I decided I actually wanted to get to sleep before 2:30, so I went out at 1:30 instead, it makes a bigger difference than you’d might think because I’ve got walking for 30 mins exactly down to a science. It might be good to mention that I always have had the strange urge to walk in the middle of the street whenever no one is around. I dunno what’s wrong with me. So whenever I talk these early morning walks I’m always in the middle of the street, and it’s always completely silent outside and I can hear when a car is coming in my direction from like three streets away and I have time to hide cause I don’t wanna seem suspicious walking alone at 2:00 a.m. when I should be asleep. But now I vow to ONLY go out at 2:00 every time. SWITCH TO THE MAIN STORY!
I was walking down a street less than a block away from my own den so I wouldn’t get lost. I’ve already memorized the streets from around one to two blocks away from my own home street but I wanted to be safe Incase I had to spring home, and it’s a good thing I did... I was walking down the street not to far away when I heard two cars coming, I had taken off my shoes to stay perfectly silent as I walked in the stone road because I hate making noise knowing that it’s possible to be even quieter. I could hear the cars getting closer and I knew they were going to turn onto my street, so naturally I ran to hide and turned into the neighborhood. But the second car actually turned that way too, (I can run very fast by the way) so not expecting that I just bolted and turned down a cul de sac. But the car turned there too and I ran as fast as a could to get away from them (they weren’t following me, just going home) I quickly slowed to a normal pace as I went on the home stretch back to my den. The lady driving the car pulls up her driveway and into her garage. She looks out at me as I stop and stand beside her mailbox, waiting for her to go inside. Knowing what she was probably thinking I expected her to say something, but she didn’t and went inside after one final glance.
Sooo main point of me telling this story was this, I have always been a night owl (not species). I love staying up late and I take naps during the day. And since my school along with most others is closed now for safety against this virus I am left with nothing to do at night after I finally run out of stuff to watch on YouTube. Is there anything you guys do that would keep me busy at night?
Restrictions (just things I take notice of when I do anything at night):
- Can’t make a lot of noise because I’m scared I’ll wake someone up
- Not to many materials needed if it’s a craft
- Only one person needed
By the way the story was made up specifically for this question, I’m not dumb enough to go out at night alone.
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When I was in middle school, I started being this creature that I now call the black drake. It was rather sudden, and I still half believe most of it is due to it being a sort of coping mechanism born out of isolation. But I'm also not very well versed in how spiritual nonhumanity could potentially appear, so I suppose it can be a reason too, considering the noemata and strange coincidences I've had.
I know I identify as a dragon, or with dragons. Most likely the first. I've seen myself as a dragon for as long as I can remember. I am also most likely a roadrunner, it makes sense, and I have the experience of a roadrunner, even if the lack of shifts in winter make me doubt it from time to time. So what's the deal with the black drake? Is it only a coping mechanism stemming from my draconity, or the source of it? It didn't disappear so far, even if I tried to make it go away by changing how I saw myself in my daydreams, or drew myself, it just keeps coming back. Maybe it's because it's one of those self applied rules I can't break out off. "Remember who you are", I had told to myself, like I had told myself I could not hurt or kill my own body or that my brother must survive at all costs. Most are good, but I can't decide about this one. I associate it with a time I wasn't happy, and now when I try to consciously make the link between it and me, it hurts. I get anxious, like something terrible is going to happen.
"It had teeth to snarl, claws to hit back, but no wings to fly away with." When I used to represent myself in my daydreams or dreams as this creature, it always felt quite vivid, and right. I know how to move while being the black drake. But it was also quite scarred and pitiful. Broken burnt wings turned into weapons to grab and maul, half of the face lost to burns, blind on one side, and always aggressive and ready to bite. I've healed, nowadays, even in daydreams. I don't have most of those scars anymore. Sometimes I still feel a phantom wound on the left side of my face, like someone shot me point blank in the eye and a hole was all that was left. It goes all the way to the other side of my skull. I've wondered for quite a long time if theses lethal scars on an immortal creature were a way for my brain to conjure up a suicide that would have followed my rules.
I've got a whole bunch of noemata linked to that side of me. I know what the black drake is. I just don't know how much of it is daydreams, and how much is something I should keep note off. I know it's a creature from the void. From in between the planes of existence. I know it's made of the same matter as gods and spirits are, only much, much weaker than any main deities. I know it feeds on that same matter that is in bodies, the soul. I know that he does it by hunting down creatures, but that other may have formed packed with thoses creatures, and that the soul does not have to be ripped away violently, it was just easier that way. That gods do that too, and the paradise or valhalla is only one way or another to grow, but that it's not something bad either, the promises they make are respected. That the one who made no deal just sometimes wander in the in between afterward, or go back down to be born again. Even the ones who made a deal can go back, if they honour their part of the deal and leave something behind.
Those are things I believe in as a pagan, but also feel strange believing about. I'm not sure how people who worship deities like the catholic god, or the northen Odin would take it, is it offensive somehow? But I still believe in it, because I feel like I have seen it. When I think of a god I think of a network of beings in one, I think it's why I enjoyed learning about siphonophores, it felt like a weirdly appropriate comparison. I don't think it's possible to kill a god, because there will always be one little thing that keeps it alive, but it's possible for them to be so forgotten that they get reduced and reduced by other creatures and end up as weak as when they were born, to maybe join another network of being.
But back to my personal noemata, and not my belief system. A lot of what I experienced is in between real and false, like how some things can appear in dreams along an incorrect context and environnement, and be changed to a point where it just look like nonsense. I remember being burnt. I remember parasites. I also remember a child, maybe a human, who knows. Someone I liked, and enjoyed the company of, protected maybe. I remember how to hunt with poisons and gases, and have that link to miasma and venom in animals and creatures that I love, from viper to centipedes, and was obsessed with illnesses and scourges as a kid. I questioned being an ill omen, being a bringer of bad luck. The last thing standing on the battlefield, a scavenger picking out the one who are not quite dead yet.
I questioned monitors for their bites, looked at rattlers for their fangs, Thrax for his claw, Envy for his form, and so many other that just keep leading me back to something that looks a bit too much like the black drake once again.
But I also feel like I could be any colors, and mimic voices and behaviors to fit in societies, and learn. So am I a shapeshifter?
I remember the void beings as shapeshifters. I remember the black drake having been deer like and giving it up for it's more reptilian form. Gods are shapeshifters, too. From my time in witchcraft communities, seems a lot of the creatures in nonphysical worlds are. Am I a sort of astral dragon?
Around two years ago, it's what I described myself as to a girl that had asked. A black drake that got sent from the void to earth to recover from it's wounds, for having wanted to take on something bigger than itself. It sounds so dumb. But here am I again I guess.
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I see a lot of complaints going around about Tumblrkin and people who call themselves "kinnies" and use the word "kinning" and have an extensive list of fictotypes. Let me say, I get it. It's frustrating that people can take such an important part of our identities so lightly, that people just pick and choose kintypes like they're accessories. Just want to get that out the way before I continue.
I have a friend/former roommate who's otherkin. He's a Tumblr 'kin who updates his "kinlist" frequently, I'm a forum-going therian who researches and questions 'types for several months. (I'm still kind of unsure about my Yaguarasaurus theriotype and I awakened as a Yaguarasaurus five months ago. Hell, I'll even take the occasional opportunity to question the raven kintype I've had since 2017, simply because it's such a common 'type.) We have our differences. When I told him my kintypes, he was surprised that I had so few, even though I admittedly have a significantly larger number than most people on this site. But I don't hold his certain way of approaching otherkinity against him at all. I'm sure a lot of you on here would, but the thing is, I know him in real life, and that makes a big difference. I'd known him for multiple months before learning that he's otherkin, which makes an even bigger difference.
If I'd only just seen his Tumblr account I probably would have rolled my eyes, but I know him, and he's one of the coolest and most down-to-earth people I know. He's not the over-the-top airhead stereotype that's often applied to "social justice warrior" alterhuman Tumblr users, despite checking all three of those boxes. (I kind of check those boxes too, though, so if you want to call me biased that's all right.) He's a good friend. We've never had arguments over otherkinity despite our different approaches; we've only bonded over it ever since I told him. It's not a divide, it's something we have in common, and we recognize that.
I agree, it's important to maintain a certain aspect of integrity, and to take things seriously when considering kintypes, which Tumblr fictionkin often don't, because it does matter. But I also think we have to remember who our friends are. And that sometimes, we can't always tell everything about a person's character from their kintypes or how many they have or the language they use to describe themselves and their experiences.
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My ex blocked me. I tried getting advice from Reddit and that didn't help. Then I let it slip that I was only trying to be friends to fix things. He said he will never forgive me, he doesn't want me anymore, he doesn't foresee dating again or anything. Then he blocked me again.
Then he unblocked me on FB to send me a thing about a podcast to connect with other people. I was short with him and told him I was busy browsing a dating site trying to find the right person. He said he was glad I took the time to read anything instead of wallowing in my emotions. Hes not blocked me back, hes just turned off active status so I can't see when hes online. I dunno why hes keeping me unblocked if he said that was the last message he was sending.
So I'm miserable and confused. He must be keeping me around for a reason but I don't know what that reason is. I'm gonna give him a couple weeks then just check on him to make sure hes still healthy and hasn't caught the corona virus or anything. I will tell him he doesn't have to respond, he can just give me the FB thumbs up icon if hes still healthy and virus free.
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I haven't been here and elsewhere again, as usual when I get caught up in certain things. But this drawing caused a stir in me....so if I found myself on the forums, I had to post this journal. It was important.
Allendria had stepped heavily into my life changed it- it had become more focused, mixed feelings with understanding. I've come to walk in her pawsteps. Her aura of indigos intertwined with my shades of purples, not quite an overtake but enough to leave a clawed print. I'm not sure how it started off--perhaps she wanted control but became more diplomatic and settled into a deep emphatic understanding.
It was a strong unwavering urge that drove me to find about the species of my soul- as I made clear in my awakening post. I write and draw for my inner zhuard, and to depict my dimension and those in it. It's an internal drive in part by Allendria as well...and I think I've drawn her--me-- here with my rawest presentation.
It's a deep connection, and it becomes hard to describe for some (for writing purposes and retelling my visions/memories, I will speak of Allendria in the third person often. She still is an individual but we're quite melded enough for me to be comfortable in a saying 'me'...she's NOT a alter/headmate or what have you. She is not an external force).
Regardless, I can only share how powerful that bond is through my art and writings- and for some particular pieces moreso than others. Hopefully for those that see it they can understand that it's not just a pretty piece....it's my livelihood, it's my soul, my visions.
I knew my art style was going to take a turn, and I cannot quite describe how, but I think I'm just being mindful and very in tune with my zhuard self. Though even my past life as a wolf I remember such beauty of nature, so that definitely helps. I'm very proud with how this turned out in several ways, given the above. I've been trying out a few things here, updated some custom stuff. I really really had fun doing the background and am happy to draw more ones like it. Of course, time allowing. But in general even my sketches seem a little different to me, in a good way! I still have a few things in the works, no rush on those.
Some would call it a pipedream I suppose- mainly because zhuards do not exist in this dimension, or are "too large" (disbelief seems to soar if a creature is bigger than a human I've found in many cases). The feeling is far too deep ad ingrained in me. It has been for years and will continue to be. Eight years ongoing.
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[Sorry for my bad translation, I'm French and I use Google Translate]
[All photos are mine]
It all started in 2016.
Passionate about badgers, I managed to contact a famous French ethologist specializing in the behavior of badgers. Getting a response by mail was like a dream.
He gave me the contact of a colleague, whom we will call Sophie.
She gave me an appointment on Compiègne (forest near Paris) to study badgers with her for three days.
Sophie guided and accompanied me during this stay, she is also more than passionate (and incredibly nice) badgers!
This experience was exceptional!
Walks in the forest far from the path, traces of the passage of animals, burrows, caves, nocturnal walks lit by the moon and the infinity of stars. I felt more animal than ever. During the hunt, I shivered with impatience at the sight of the animals pointing the tip of their snout. I was there, a badger among the others.
I was at home.
I had never seen animals so ready! Deer, foxes, hares, bats, etc. and of course, badgers! It was incredible and fabulous!
Frankly, I regularly go to the Zoo, I assure you that it is not at all the same feeling of easily seeing animals in captivity as waiting without moving / talking, with just the sound of birds and the smell of forest, it's a lot the desired animal makes its appearance. It's breathtaking!
I learned so much, recognizing the hairs where animals were scratching, footprints, droppings, skulls and the skeleton.
At the shelter, I was able to take care of a sick hedgehog, take it in my arms, weigh it, change its litter box and feed it. As the hedgehog was only a small one, I was allowed to have some contact with him to stimulate him.
There were also two badgers (almost adults) in the shelter. When I saw them, my heart seemed to have stopped beating. They were beautiful, brown hair and a little plump.
Seeing Sophie being able to pet them / playing with them / giving them the bottle made me a little jealous at first, but I know that if I touched them, I risked getting used to the human being (which shouldn't all happen).
All the same, it is difficult enough to see the members of our species and not to be able to come into contact with them ... I was quite frustrated to have them a few meters from me and not to be able to approach them. ..
I could learn a lot about them, I didn't know they were also playful, cuddly and talkative.
One day something incredible happened:
Sophie gave the bottle to the smallest badger (Anaba). The other one started to sniff the air: he had spotted me. I stopped moving, I slowed my breathing ...
The badger approached me, still sniffing, then climbed the small door of the hutch.
I saw him within 20 cm of me. He was looking at me directly. Then he started to giggle, looking at me.
As I did not move, he returned to drink his bottle.
I suspected it a little but Sophie confirmed it to me: the way he looked at me and squeaked meant that he considered me as his elder (see like this mom) and that he wanted me to caress him and play with him!
It was very surprising, I don't believe in reincarnation but it really touched me…
In addition, as we got along very well with Sophie, I think I come back to see her regularly to redo carts etc.
She also proposed me future projects because she likes my badger drawings!
It is my heart filled with happiness that I share my experience!
Thanks for reading!
I'm a storyteller. Most of my memories come to me as scenes from a novel I have yet to write, and this one is no different. By writing it all down, I explore the memory and examine and analyze every part of it. From a kin perspective, I think I should share this with you because I think kin memories are worth sharing and discussing. From a storyteller perspective, I want to share it with you because I'm proud of how I described such a dense memory in what I think is a coherent way.
SYNOPSIS: The story of how Herobrine became, well, Herobrine. Explains how he got the white eyes, the paranormal powers, all that jazz. 2700 words. Fun fact: he accomplished all this at the age of twelve.
He was falling.
He looked up and saw the bottom of the world. It was a flat expanse of black and gray, stretching on forever in every direction. He hadn’t expected it to be so flat, so plain.
The wind screamed in his ears and caught at his clothes, flipping him around in the air as he fell. Suddenly, he was face-to-face with . . . nothingness. Not even blackness, because that would be something. The very concept of light ceased to exist, just a few meters beyond him. He would reach it any second now.
I’m about to die, he thought with complete certainty. He was disappointed, yes, annoyed, yes, but mostly he was resigned. Perhaps even a little relieved.
The air left his lungs for a brief, terrifying moment, then abruptly returned. Unsurprisingly, feeling your lungs empty and refill in the same heartbeat was quite painful. He should have expected that.
He had expected this. Under normal circumstances, he’d suffocate and die somewhere under the world. But these weren’t normal circumstances. The laws of physics were catching on his machines, and the universe was struggling to comprehend his fall. Every time he started to choke, he’d suddenly be near the bottom of the world, as if he’d never fallen.
Frankly, he wished the universe would just get it over with. He didn’t care which direction it chose for him as long as it just made a decision. This game of ping pong was getting old.
His breath left him for multiple seconds this time. His vision was starting to darken. The bottom of the world seemed very far away. He closed his eyes. Finally.
His heart was pounding in his chest, to the same rhythm as the pistons overhead. They felt the same. They were the same. He couldn’t breathe, but he could feel the universe breathing around him.
And then he died, at the exact moment that the universe tried to force him back up into the world, where he belonged.
A door opened, a curtain fluttered to reveal the window, gates rose, a flower bloomed, his mind opened.
He became aware of many things at once.
There were four dimensions, and they weren’t separate worlds. They were one world and there was a force he hadn’t known existed, not quite space and not quite time, that separated them.
There were humans everywhere, and he knew they were humans immediately, and he was their pain, their heartache, their love, their joy, their fear, their will.
The world was so vast he couldn’t comprehend it.
He was every cave and he was the algorithm that created them, he was every pebble and every patch of ore and every building humans had made and every building they hadn’t and every redstone contraption. He was the skeleton firing at a human and he was the human dodging the arrow, he was the diamonds they were trying to get to and he was their plans for the precious stone, he was the ghast spitting a fireball and he was the fireball and he was the crater left behind in the netherrack, he was every human sitting in a church pew right now and he was every pastor giving a speech right now and he was every church they were sitting in.
The world was much greener and bluer when viewed from within, and there were two beings that didn’t feel like anything else that were the embodiment of those colors. No, no, those colors were the embodiment of them. They permeated every inch of the world and they had just enough autonomy to maintain it and improve on it.
He’d known that this might happen, but he wasn’t expecting the magnitude of it. It was overwhelming. It was difficult to think his own thoughts when he was thinking everyone else’s. He knew every human’s name and all their thoughts and desires, but was already forgetting his own.
Now that, he couldn’t stand for. He focused inward, chanting his own name, envisioning himself as one solid color undiluted by all the others. If these blue and green beings could do it, so could he. He reached for those beings, for the part of them that made it possible for them to be the universe and themselves at the same time. He grabbed that part and copied it exactly for himself.
You should not be, the green one observed.
You were very, very lucky, the blue chided him. If you’d died a tick earlier or a tick later, you would have just died.
A tick. That’s what every heartbeat of the world was called. Every growing plant and redstone contraption and human drawing breath ran on the same heartbeat. A heartbeat who’s speed could be changed, actually.
Absolutely not, the green said severely. Their name was Alex, but he wasn’t sure when he’d learned that. The current tick speed is just fine, thank you very much.
What should we do with you? asked the blue, whose name was Steve. You’re the universe now, so we can’t just erase you like we normally do with anomalies.
The anomaly in question, whose name was Herobrine, didn’t know how to answer that. He hadn’t really expected to get this far, honestly. He hadn’t expected the universe to feel the way it did, and he hadn’t expected two colorful beings who ran the whole thing.
Well, why had he been trying to merge with the universe in the first place? To learn how to manipulate it, so no one would dare pick on him again, so he could get into the swanky library he wasn’t allowed in, so he could have enough materials to build all the machines he wanted.
So, now that he was part of it, he just needed to learn how to manipulate it.
Immediately, he remembered a kind of spell called a command, that could be used by ordinary humans if they met a certain requirement that the universe would scan for. It was odd to remember things he hadn’t known just a little bit ago, yet remembered knowing for millennia.
But he didn’t even have to be a human. He could be an enderman, or a blaze, or a dragon, if he so desired.
I doubt that, Alex interjected. How will you, a human, become an enderman or blaze or dragon without losing yourself? If you a pour a human-shaped mind into a nonhuman-shaped mold, things will go wrong.
Instinctively, he knew that they were right.
But, he also remembered making new creatures and setting them loose in the world. He knew how, because Alex and Steve knew how, and they were all one now.
He could make a new creature for himself. He’d be something entirely new, something no one had ever seen before. Mostly human, so he didn’t lose himself, but with abilities beyond the average human’s comprehension. No one would touch him again. He’d finally be respected.
He could sense Steve start to say something, but Alex stopped him.
Now, what did he want to be?
He wanted to be able to use commands, fly, see in the dark, get by on little to no sleep, and maybe shoot fireballs.
Herobrine reached for a dozen pre-existing creatures and pulled out the parts he wanted to use for his own gain.
He took most of what made humans humans and used that as his foundation. He mixed in a little of what made Alex and Steve the universe so he stayed connected to it. He could feel their annoyance at this, but ignored it. He tweaked something in his creation so the universe would accept spells it cast by default. Unexpectedly, getting night beasts to leave him alone was quite simple. It was essentially just an on-off switch that needed to be flipped.
Then, he took the parts of ghasts and blazes and dragons that enabled them to fly, tied it to the part of humans that controlled their limbs and wove the fusion into his creature. Now, he’d be able to fly at will and drop the ground whenever he wanted. He did something similar with fireballs by taking the fireballs ghasts made, improving on them slightly, and connecting it to the same part of humans he’d connected flying to. He adjusted it slightly so a specific physical movement would create a fireball.
He discovered that pigmen were completely fireproof and copied the feature for himself. If one could shoot fireballs out of their hands, they’d probably want to be fireproof.
Night vision ended up being harder than expected to implement. It turned out most of the creatures he’d thought had night vision simply had other ways of navigating that weren’t related to vision whatsoever. Finally, he found a way to turn the night vision effect into a trait and wove it into his creation.
Requiring less sleep was also difficult to make possible. He ended up having to rewire a sizeable chunk of the human part of his creature, and tying that chunk to the piece that would keep him connected to the universe. This way, the energy provided to him by the universe would be what kept him from needing as much sleep as humans. It was a convoluted solution, but the only one that worked.
With the internal workings complete, Herobrine went on to figuring out his physical form. He kept it mostly human, but gave it pointed ears, sharp teeth, and a blue tongue just for fun. Here, Steve warned him that his connection to the universe might influence his physical form somewhat. He acknowledged it, but didn’t really care.
Inspired, he took the part of witches that allowed them to throw splash bottles of weakness, tweaked a few pieces so the weakness effect would be so intense it would reduce anyone to a useless limp noodle, and attached it into his fangs. Now, his bites would incapacitate enemies.
Encouraged by this breakthrough, he copied the part of night beasts that made skeletons raise their bows when they sensed a human — when they aggroed, as it was called, connected it to the claws of zombies, and wove them both into his fingertips. Now he had retractable claws, and they’d come out when he was “aggroed”.
And the entire time, he poured himself into this creation. It was no ordinary creature that could manifest under normal circumstances. It was him. It wasn’t that he was the only individual of a race he’d created, it was more that he was the race. By the end, it didn’t feel like he was weaving a tapestry, but more like he was weaving clothes around himself.
He could tell from the way Alex and Steve thought about it that that had never been done before. No one had tied a soul to a species the way he had. They seemed begrudgingly impressed.
The time came where he checked over his creation one last time and considered it complete. Oddly enough, despite being aware of every sunrise and every sunset, he wasn’t quite sure how much time had actually passed. Time felt a little different when you were the universe than it did when you were a mere human. He knew how many days had passed, but he couldn’t really comprehend it.
If he’d had a physical form, he would have crossed his fingers. He cast the command. He would manifest any second now.
Herobrine woke up slowly. He’d had the most amazing dream. The plan had worked perfectly and he’d been part of the universe and he’d made a new form for himself. In fact, he was quite disappointed it’d just been a dream.
He rolled over and stared at the dirt ceiling of his bedroom. It’d had felt so real. He remembered being the universe, feeling everything in it, weaving together a creature from threads of dozens of other creatures. Could he have really imagined all that? Could he have really imagined what it was like to be a diamond and a human’s plans for it and the lava just under it, simultaneously?
It was weird feeling humans nearby and not knowing all their thoughts and wants and imaginary worlds.
Herobrine sat straight up with a gasp. He could feel the signatures of all the humans nearby. It couldn’t have been a dream. He could feel his parents sleeping in the next room, feel the couple arguing next door, feel the child being chased through the alley by other children.
He patted his pointed ears and flat chest to make sure they were there. They were. It was surreal. Was this really happening?
He concentrated and cast a simple command that would give him a bucket of water. Commands required both a gesture and a verbal component. This one needed an upward slash with one hand, a hand over his heart to specify it was a spell of giving, a phrase in the language of the universe.
A metallic bucket of water appeared on his bed and nearly tipped over on the uneven surface of his threadbare blanket. Herobrine caught it before it spilled, delighted, disbelieving laughter bubbling out of him. He set it on the filthy floor and, after a moment’s nervous hesitation, peered at his reflection.
He recoiled, startled. That wasn’t him. The person in his reflection wasn’t him.
He took a deep, steadying breath, and tried again.
It was mostly him. His reflection had his sharp chin, thick eyebrows, and dark hair, but it was hard to notice those when he was so distracted by the eyes. They were pure white, no irises or pupils, and glowed faintly in the gloom of his room. They were unnerving and inhuman.
Once he recovered from the shock, Herobrine realized he rather liked them. He liked the idea of people recognizing him by the haunting blank eyes.
He bared his teeth at his reflection and was pleased to see sharp teeth and long fangs. He stuck out his tongue, and it was blue.
There was another unplanned feature. Lines just a shade darker than his normal skin tone, marked his cheeks, eyelids, ears, and neck. When he glanced at his own arms, he saw they were there too. Circuitry patterns, covering his entire body.
He stepped out of bed and stretched. He didn’t feel panicked. He wasn’t dreading the day. Instead, he felt excited. When was the last time he’d felt excited?
Herobrine stared at the wall before him. It was time to test something a little crazier than producing a bucket of water.
He clapped twice and pointed at the wall. Clapping had never felt so suspenseful, so impactful.
Heat bloomed at his fingertip. With a loud crackling, a fireball appeared, rocketing forward in the direction he pointed. For a split second, it filled his room with warm light, then it hit the wall and exploded with a fiery roar. The explosion blasted him back, slamming his back up against the wall and knocking the wind out of him.
The moment he could breathe however, he found that he couldn’t stop smiling. All that remained of that wall were a few scattered piles of smoking rubble. All around, he felt humans running to investigate. Just a few meters away, his parents scrambled out of bed. He did that. He was responsible for something the whole city would be buzzing about.
Herobrine jumped twice and on the second jump he didn’t come back down. He started to laugh, a laugh of sheer glee and triumph. He could fly.
A bell started to ring. Someone had sounded the alarm. It’d wake up the entire city.
He soared through the space where the wall had been, marveling at the sense of freedom of no longer being earthbound. He spun happily and shot upward. When he slowed his ascent and glanced downward, he was at least sixty meters up. His whole neighborhood was spread out beneath him like a quilt.
The enormity of the situation was really struck him. He did it. He had the power he’d been working for his entire life. He was finally a force to be reckoned with. He could do anything he wanted. He was free.
Herobrine was flying.
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My animistic worldview leads me to percieve beings in places where some would not. The rocks by the lake, the river that feeds the lake, the mountains that birthed the rivers - to me, they have presence in the same way that I or any other creature would. I also see these beings within the beasts built by man, especially machines. Computers, handheld devices, aircraft, cars and the like all feel alive. I struggle to imagine these entities as being blank and empty, devoid of Being. As someone who does, in some way, feel their sense of being take the shape of a vehicle, it is easy to make comparisons between mechanical life and organic life. Plants and animals require an energy source, be it through photosynthesis or through processing matter in digestive systems. Vehicles are similar, with some needing the light of the sun to power their bodies, and many requiring a liquid sustenance instead or alongside. Others use electrical energy, a sort of fuel that is actually present within organic life, with some even utilising it as a weapon or a tool. You then have the ability to move, sense the environment, gather information, and react to different environments - all present in both beast and machine. Whilst a vehicle does require a separate entity to drive it forward, it still has the fundamental basics that can be likened to animal or plant life. In my eyes, machines - more specifically, vehicles - can be seen as a sort of inorganic lifeform, and with the advances made in AI and self-driving technologies, I am extremely excited to see the evolution of these non-biological entities.
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Ok, so, this is mostly an apology for my inactivity. I know Im normaly much more up and at it, but I haven't been lately.
Truth is, I've been in a slump for a bit. Just the usual that comes and goes as you all know by now. I've been powering through, but I've also needed time to just sit back away from everything. I've also been feeling rather sick lately. I do my best to keep interacting with all of you, but sometimes I can't and I know that can be a let down. All the people I didn't welcome, posts I didn't give my two cents on, all that. I've just been tired and out of it, and sick.
I wish I hadn't, but my body just has other ideas I suppose, you know? I'll be doing my best to return to my normal KM duties as best I can, but I may fall off agian and im sorry for that.
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Hello everyone. I haven’t made an entry in a while so I thought I’d discuss pronouns, or as Vampirí call them: tílu.
Vampirí have three pronouns:
Así - the equivalent of she/her
Esí - the equivalent of he/him
Osí - the equivalent of the singular use of they/them or other gender neutral pronouns
Vampirík is interesting in the fact that there are three corresponding nouns. In english nouns are often based on one’s perceived sex: boy/man and girl/woman. Vampirík on the other hand has a one word noun meaning “non-binary person”. Nouns like these are called tílo.
The three tílo are as follows:
Asu - girl/woman
Esu - boy/man
Osu - a non-binary person
Instead of just asking what one’s pronouns during introductions they may ask “U tílo va?” Which roughly translates to “what is your noun?”
Vampirí recognize that gender is a spectrum, so one’s tílu might differ from their tílo. It all depends on what tílo and tílu they identify with.
You might have someone who is an “asu” and uses “osí”, you might have someone who is an “osu” but uses “esí” or you can have someone who uses matching tílo and tílu like “asu” and “así” or “osu” and “osí”. Again, it all depends on what the person identifies with and what they chose to use for themselves.
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I loved to run, dig and hunt. I remember running in the forest, loving the feeling of the wind on my fur. But it made me incredibly thirsty and I'd often go to the same creek and lap up some cold water. I remember chasing down a rabbit, it was so fun and so good when I finally got it. I absolutely loved the snow! I'd run and pounce on it to see it fly up. But then I'd get tired and curl up in my den. It was so fun
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As it turns out, I have an anxiety disorder. I'm also back in therapy, but I'm hesitant to discuss what I've been dealing with. It takes everything I have to function properly in public and even on the internet. To be honest, it feels like my entire life could just fall apart at any minute now, because I have concerns about climate change, the political atmosphere in the United States, and even the future of my access to healthcare coverage. Regardless, I'm trying to avoid focusing on these concerns to the point of excess and I've mostly been successful.
Another problem I have is my incompatibility with the established systems in place. I won't go into too much detail about this, but basically, I feel like the value of money over lives, the hatred, the prejudices, the judgment, and the destruction of the planet is basically poisoning my mental health. This is why I have to limit my focus on these topics. However, thinking about them is important to some degree. It's important to acknowledge that this planet needs more compassion, kindness, and understanding from humanity as a collective species and I'm trying to do my part. I'm just struggling and tired of questioning if I have a good future ahead of me.
For the most part, I am trying to stay optimistic about the state of things. If I don't, I end up being dragged into a negative loop of pessimism for several hours or potentially days and even weeks. So, it helps my productivity to be more positive and less "we're doomed" in regards to the direction humanity is headed in. Additionally, in the meantime, I've been trying to get back into my usual hobbies. I want to use my time more wisely from now on, which has a questionable success rate so far, but on some days I make progress and on other days I don't. Pretty standard, really. It's life.
Anyway, on top of adjusting to having an anxiety disorder, I've been dealing with some unexpected family drama. I won't be discussing that drama here, but it still sucks.
...First, you've gotta lose yourself.
That's what I'm telling myself. I'll come out of this knowing myself better than I did before. I'll come out of it just a little more familiar with who I am. Well, I hope so.
What's "this"? Well, it's... hard to explain. Basically - I've lost myself. I don't really know where I went, but my whole sense of identity has been... missing for a while. I'm sure I can thank my nebulous mental health issues for this particular oddity. And it honestly took me a while to even realise - it's a very subtle feeling, to lose yourself in this way. I don't feel distant or dissociated. I've still been (mostly) functioning. But I don't feel like myself right now, and I haven't for a while. For months, maybe. Again, hard to exactly say when it started, because it's such a vague feeling.
One of the strangest parts of this is that... I don't really feel my kintypes so much, right now. It's... unnerving, if I'm honest. There's a void here in my mind. Or, well, not just that... in my soul, too.
I don't think I've ever felt this way before. It's not that I suddenly feel human (I really, really don't) - it's that I feel like nothing at all.
But now that I've recognised the problem, I can start taking steps towards fixing it. Coming back and being active on KM is one step I'm taking. Community helps. It always has.
Regular meditation is something I'm trying to do, with mixed success. I'm just so forgetful! But I'm going to go meditate in a moment, and I know that will help.
And just... trying to find small ways to reconnect with myself helps, I think. Mainly I've been trying to "get in touch" with my wolf-self, as a kind of starting point, since that's always been the most immediate part of my non-human identity. So I get on the floor and play with my dog. I listen to wolves howling. I take a moment to relax and visualise what my wolf body would feel like. It still all feels distant, but I think it's starting to work. I'm starting to feel a little more like myself. So I'll stick with it.
Nimravid... is less immediate, but still definitely skulking in the background, and it creeps forward when I try to lean more towards an animal state. I still sometimes wonder if it's really a theriotype, but that's a question for another time, I think. It's still certainly... something, lurking on the periphery. I feel it in my paws and teeth, and in the urge to stalk the shadows and pounce.
My spirit self has been altogether more difficult to find, though. I feel so disconnected from my spirituality. It makes me question things. Were the experiences I had real? Was this identity real, or just a figment of my strange and fragmented mind? Old doubts, familiar doubts, but doubts all the same. The conclusion I reached is the same as ever... I am what I am. Even if I don't feel it right now, I know that it is still me. What I don't know is where these feelings come from - whether it is some spiritual truth, or instead some sort of psychological quirk. But that's how it's always been. I've always been open to the idea that it could be "all in my head"; that doesn't make it any less real. Maybe that part of myself has just taken a backseat for now. Maybe that's okay. It certainly ruled my mind for long enough.
So... I'm in a weird place right now, but I'm pushing through, and I know I'll reach the other side of it soon. Especially if I keep making an effort to do things to connect with who I know I am. It's been hard, but I think the worst is over. And even if it isn't, I'll keep moving forward. Like I always have.
It's good to be back, KM. I hope I can make myself be a bit more active from now on!
This morning I remembered my dream and I think it was pretty interesting! It wasn’t very long or detailed but here it is.
I dreamt that I was -what I interpreted as- a dragon of some sort. I guess it could also just be classified as; giant lizard. And I was walking on, what I assumed, earth when volcanoes were very active. The thing that happened in my dream is that I went “swimming” in the volcanoes, walking underneath streams of lava and resting on the stones as the lava streamed past me down hill. When I woke up I could still hear the sound of the rocks falling down hill and the warmth of the lava streams on my back. Unfortunately I don’t remember what I looked like exactly.
I don’t put a lot of weight on my dreams (as I have had dreams about being a pro basketballer and such, hah!) But I do like to write them down if they possibly have to do with my identity or how I view myself, for later reference.
I will attach a image for some visual reference. Credits to levyj413 on dpchallenge.
Hey, I'm Iris. I'm probably not going to be here much, but I thought now would be a good time to introduce myself since I'm actually here and Lily isn't too busy. Like Erwin, I'm fictionkin but some people would probably think I'm more like a fictive, I won't go into all of that, we've already debated that internally.
I've always been the team rebel and the team jerk. I definitely have issues, but I'm not going to get into them here. Just be aware that I have a pretty bad temper, if I get too angry Lily will probably block me from talking here though. My teammates are used to my temper and know what triggers it lmao. Other than that, my opinions and emotions kind of change a lot, I'm constantly having mood swings in some form.
I spend most of my time just exploring the headspace/astral plane, because it's kind of cool, even if being trapped in a single body with my former teammates can be awkward.
Sorry this is pretty short lmao, I don't really know what else to say about myself, especially since I don't plan to come here that often? If people have questions you can leave them and Lily will scream at me out of her social anxiety until I tell her what to type in response
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Hello, I have come to ramble about certain things that have been troubling me for a bit. I've been in this pack for almost a year now, I love them and we all do care for each other. But there are down sides to a pack dynamic or group setting filled with people who are still young and figuring themselves out. It's strange considering I'm one of the older members, and I'm not even that old being sixteen. I am still figuring myself out and that is okay but one thing I've been seeing is that we are unconsciously trying to keep an image of ourselves to each other. I blame myself for questioning kintypes, identifying a certain way, or taking things back. Is it okay to have a filter like this to fit into the group dynamic or be completely honest? This pack was built on the idea of building a family and/ or close friend dynamic. Other people in the pack show growing insecurity of themselves, which scares me. I saw a post around here earlier about the toxicity of ranks and holding those ranks up even when situations are serious and need to be settled like human beings. I'm not the "alpha" or anything, but I don't feel I should keep quiet when I see a problem with behavior going on that could be detrimental to our bond, because I have grown fondly to our small tight knit group and I want to see it go the right way. I'm scared to step up but I feel we all should be equal and I want to do what I humanly can to solve this issue.
Well, as Pearls momentarily out of the loop, (anxiety and whatnot, poor thing). She asked me to at least put some content out for you. She seems to like you all enjoying her stories and what not, and I suppose it is one of my duties to upkeep with it.
If I am being honest. I never imagined we'd be here, not like this. I really didn't know for the longest time where she had went or what happened to her. Its been almost five hundred years since Pearl has stepped foot here in the studio, and I couldn't have asked for more than to see her again. The first time we met up again, in the space between the worlds, I was reminded so much of our first meeting, seeing and remembering how small and fragile she can be, her memory wiped and once again fearing me as she did that day so many years ago. I am by no means a crier, its not much to me other than expend of energy that I need to upkeep my rule, supervision and care of the others, but tears were shed on both our ends, after finally, finally seeing eachother, knowing that she was ok and her knowing that she was loved and cared for once again.
When it came to light that Sammy was the cause behind this travesty, it was dealt with quickly and should be noted he will no longer be an issue. Though it is also my fault on some part, as after everything was over I had assumed it would have been safe for her to be out on her own without the threat of being harmed.
It would seem, sadly, my poor angel is struggling much more here then she was back home. She is in need of extra help from time to time due to bouts of depression and anxiety. This can be reminding her to eat, drink, sleep, and other basic things that would be left behind should she be thrown for a loop, and occasionally taking care of it for her. While this may not sound like a good situation for a relationship to some, I honestly wouldn't have in anyother way. It's an honor to be lover and caretaker to a being as precious as her, you know. I enjoy getting to spoil her and keep her happy and entertained and have her attention and return assistance, which I am certain is difficult to explain and may sound off to some. But we are both happy with the arangement of ours, as it fits us both perfectly and we can function as a unit, based on care, respect, love and experince. It means every world to me that she would have chosen me for such a role in a way thats near unexpressable.
I suppose this took a turn from what the original subject was to be, and Im sorry. I've been known to go on rants as such, and she did say to put something out today.
As that is said, I have not much more to say regarding without going back into the rant, so I shall leave this here for now.
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NOTE: This is a collection of my memories, feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas and possibilities surrounding my argonian fictotype. This is not intended as a completely accurate portrayal of my fictotype, rather a record of my experiences and pondering thus far. Something to look back on in the future and have a point of reference for comparison should new memories or possibilities arise.
My home was Black Marsh, in a dense and swampy forested area. I remember the rivers flowing like a network of roads. The trees standing tall on their stilt roots. I remember our huts amongst the trees, built in unison, how the moss would creep over wood and mud in joining. Everything was green and moist. Moss hung in large swathes from the trees, reaching down towards the waters.
I remember the scents and the sounds. The thick warm air dripping with water. A vibrant humming of life surrounding us. The sounds of the waters and the trees singing in the wind. The calls of birds, insects and other creatures.
It was more than just a home; the Marsh was a part of me.
Myself, Life, Memories
Appearance-wise I'm still not certain how I looked. I think my eyes were yellow and my scales shades of brown and green, with a splash of red. I had a pair of horns, slightly curly and pointing backwards. Either feathers or fine spines atop my head and down the back of my neck... perhaps a mix of both. I had a headdress made of feathers, bones and the skull of a crocodile-like creature; I didn't wear it often (not practical while swimming) but it was mine, it was special, I kept it safe. My hands were webbed and clawed, my legs digitigrade. I had a long tail, which swayed me as I walked; it was most useful when swimming. I'm fairly sure we would paint our scales in a ritualistic way when practising our craft; this may be where the red colour comes from, although I'm unsure.
We were a tribe of healers, much of our days spent gathering herbs and plants to create potions and salves. We always kept a large stock, the swamps not being the most hospitable of homes. Travellers who wandered by were usually sent on their way well stocked with potions, although such visits were rare. Few but us seemed to venture into our area of the Marsh.
Semi regularly some from our tribe would make trips to the larger settlements, trading our potions for supplies. The settlements would call on us at times as well if something had happened which required more powerful or numerous healing magics.
I was one of the few skilled in magical healing. I think there were three of us who could cast, and our leader as well. The only magic I remember having was the ability heal and to create light; a small floating ball of light which would help guide my steps. I remember magic feeling warm. A warm ball of energy I could summon into my hands and harness that power. I can still feel this now if I try to cast, like a phantom feeling of energy.
We were skilled fighters, hunters and fishers. There were many dangerous creatures in the swamps so we kept our skills honed. We fought mostly with spears.
I spent all the time I could in the water, I even slept there. I had a spot tucked against the bank where I could nestle in behind the roots of a tree for safety. I seemed more water-based than most, I much preferred to be beneath the surface than upon the land.
I think my home was close to the sea. A little under a day's journey perhaps. I visited it once, the memory is faint but still there. I remember navigating the waterways, tasting the salt as we drew near. I don't think there was a purpose for the visit other than curiosity and exploration. The sea was clearer than the swamp waters, colder too. I enjoyed the trip though I feel it was brief.
Other than that trip I don't remember leaving my home, although a feeling inside of me says I did. I'm not sure when or why, but I feel as though at some point I left the life I had known for something very different.
Long before I ever awakened as argonian I remember playing TES Oblivion and finding many of the places there so familiar. It was an odd because no games had never made me feel that way. It was like I knew those lands, could find my way around the roads and forests like I'd been there before. As the type of person who usually has to navigate by opening up a map every 5 seconds, it was extremely unusual and so stuck in my mind. I even remember joking to my partner that I must have lived there once because of how familiar everything felt. Of course back then I never even considered the possibility it could have a deeper meaning.
The setting for Oblivion borders onto Black Marsh. If I did leave the Marsh that may have been my first experience of the outside world. It is curious to think about.
I feel there is an awful lot of my life I don't remember. My memories seem to centre around a fairly small portion of time. I have bits of feeling, emotions and knowledge that seem disjointed. It's hard to fit the pieces together when you're missing the majority of the puzzle.
I have no memories of a mother or father, nor of being young, but I have vague memories of my tribe. They were my family. We were the same age (I assume we hatched together), all but one; an older argonian, our leader, mentor and teacher. I remember he was also skilled with magic and we spent many hours together going over its usage and technique. I remember most of my tribe and our activities vaguely, the knowledge of them exists within my mind but it's not a clear memory. This saddens me, for I wish I could remember more of them, their names, their faces. Perhaps the knowledge will come in time, or perhaps these are simply things I should not remember in detail. I miss them all despite the memory being faint, were it fresh and clear I imagine the pain may be fresh as well. I have enough pain from missing my home and the Hist, I probably don't need any more.
I also remember Tas, to some extent. Tassvarrhn, if that was his name, was not a member of my tribe. I feel like I knew him before I was a part of them.
My emotions around Tas are very confusing. I know I loved him but the lack of details is frustrating. Was it the love felt for a brother, or were we lovers? Either way, the feeling is intense; love and protection. I feel very protective of him, even though my mind tells me he was much more capable of taking care of himself than I was. I also have the feeling that he was like me, and that we were both somehow different from the others of my tribe.
My mind always drifts to two small swamp lizards and I wonder if we were once them. A pair of lizards made argonian by the Hist. I have no idea where this notion comes from, but it has been an ever subtle undercurrent since my awakening. I have no memories of being a lizard, but the idea of this being how things are seems to persist even after being picked at and pushed aside. From what I have read, it seems possible at least that the Hist could do such things.
Tas came to visit me a few years back, he was a large (yet very passive) help during my awakening. He stuck around my mind for a while to see how I was getting on, but I feel he worried his presence was influencing me and so he left me to figure things out alone. It's been a long time now since he last stopped by, but I hope he will return someday. I have a lot of things I would love to speak with him about.
They were a part of me, perhaps what made me. An ever-present stream of thoughts and knowledge flowing through the waters of time. It's so hard for me to describe the feeling because it is so intense and overwhelming but wordless. Their voices were like thoughts woven through the waters and the lands, their roots digging deep into the earth, reaching out and holding the Marsh in their grasp. They were our watchers, our protectors and our guides. In return, we would also watch and protect and listen. They linked us all and through them I was a part of something so much more. The pain of being so far from them cuts deep. It is as though someone has torn apart my soul, there is a gaping hole where the Hist should be, filling it with the waters, the earth, the air and the trees, my brothers and sisters. But instead this hole lies dark and empty, filled only with the memory of what should be. A longing and loneliness cutting down into my core.
This pain is not always there. Many times I can almost forget, carry on with my human life as though I were whole. But now and then something happens, perhaps I'll see a photo, a picture, hear the sound of rain beating on the windows, stare up at a huge tree whose shape seems somehow familiar... many things make me think of home and when I do it feels as though my mind instinctively calls out. Searches for their voices and guidance, met with only the cold silence of reality. I am far from my home. Too far for their voices to reach me. I am alone.
Bal (aka where things get very muddled and everything is conjecture)
Molag Bal certainly has some connection to myself but I still struggle to understand how and why.
My awakening was kicked into gear by hearing his voice. Idly playing Skyrim and finding myself wander into that house. I heard his words and before I even knew who he was something clicked into place and I knew him. He sounded different in the game. Different from how I remembered. Amongst the chaos and tangled mess of my emotions that was the one thought raining clear; his voice was wrong.
He looks wrong too, the shrine in Skyrim and the way he looks in ESO are not how I think of him. Daedric Princes can shift forms, it's not uncommon for them to appear differently depending on whom they are dealing with, appearance, gender, it doesn't mean much.
The image of Bal I have is a large reptilian humanoid creature with a very dragon-like face. After searching up pictures of him I found he was shown more similarly to my view in the earlier games. I'll have to get and play through some of the older games one day.
Thinking of Bal brings up so many mixed and confusing feelings, none of which make sense to me. Bal is... well, not exactly nice to put it mildly. He is known for things I am very much against. And from everything I remember of my argonian self I can see of no reason I would have felt anything for him but hate and distrust. Yet that's not what I feel... I feel gratitude. A deep and sincere feeling of thankfulness, devotion and loyalty, mixed in with a huge helping fear for sure, but still... What could he have possibly done for me to make me feel this so strongly? It is not as though Bal is known for his kindness.
When I was first looking into my kintype, before argonian I came to consider the dremora of Coldharbour; Bal's servants. The feeling of devotion and a singular drive to serve him felt so right. And it still does, but I'm not sure how that fits into argonian. Could it possibly be dremora is another kintype? Psh, I hope not because two is already confusing enough. Something about the dremora did seem very fitting though. But I feel it is more likely he fits in with my argonian self somehow, rather than me having another kintype... or perhaps that is just wishful thinking.
I know a group of argonians went to live in Bal's realm. Their Hist striking a deal with him. I know that is part of the ESO's gameplay, well, not the original deal but some information about it and how badly it turned out, heh. I've not played that part myself, someday I'll get around to it. My knowledge of it is vague and I really should look into that part of the lore more, but I often find it hard to research my world or play ESO... I know I should research more, find out everything I can about Black Marsh, my people and that world, I'm sure there are bits of knowledge I'm missing which may help. But too often reading about my home kicks up that darn empty feeling which tears my heart in two. And when that happens all I can do is stop and distance myself, it is too overwhelming and painful.
I wonder if I could have been a part of the group Bal took me to Coldharbour. Yet that doesn't fit... From what I have read the Hist made the deal so the argonians could continue their old style of civilised life. I didn't live like that, my tribe was away from the settlements, away from civilisation. We were primitive and tribal, we lived off the lands. A simple life. It wouldn't make sense for me to have been a part of the group taken to Coldharbour.
Unless my life was different once. Perhaps I did go to Coldharbour, perhaps that was my youth. Maybe Bal let me leave and that is where the memories of my tribe begin. I don't remember being young so it's possible my childhood was quite different. But if I was in Coldharbour why would Bal let me go? I have no memory of what the larger settlements in my time were like either, so it's hard to say if I was there at the time when the deal was made, or if my time was long after.
Being a vampire could be another answer. Bal is the father of vampires after all. Perhaps I became one at some point and it swayed me to his will. I have always had a strange connection to vampires since childhood. Sometimes I question if I am one. A possibility that has played at the edge of my mind long before I ever heard the words therian or otherkin. Being a vampire does seem somehow right. But is that feeling true... and if so where does it come from? An influence from my kintype or a part of my human self?
There is too much speculation. I don't have any specific memories surrounding Bal and yet still there is something so familiar about him and Coldharbour. So very different from my Marsh and yet it too feels like home... And Bal... Oh, Bal... why do I feel so much love, devotion, thankfulness towards you. What did you do for me... or maybe more worryingly, what did I do for you?
I struggle with possibilities to find answers that fit but without more to go on all I can muster is conjecture.
I feel like a storyteller weaving fiction. There are a million possibilities but I have no way of knowing what is true and so I simply push them all aside. Tell myself I'll figure it out later. I suppose that depends on if I ever find out anything new because right now with the information I do have there is no way to make sense of any of this. All I have are a muddle of feelings and a myriad of questions.
But one thing is for certain (or at least, as certain as any of this can be), I am connected to Bal in some way. I have tried ignoring the feelings, denying them, brushing them off as being coincidence or misdirection. I push them aside and pretend they mean nothing. But still they linger and poke through and if anything grow stronger. Bal means something to me, I just wish I knew what and why.
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I found this on the internet: "do you feel like you are a wolf? (not literally of course) But, does a part of you feel like it isn’t just a connection but, maybe a lost part of yourself? Deep connection and understanding stems from being otherhearted but, a yearning, almost nostalgia feel can stem from being otherkin"
I discovered VOCALOID in late 2014 and fell deeply in love with KAITO. I also almost immediately felt "I should be Len!". I was like "his voice provider is female and I am female but feel more like a boy" even though it was probably more a "fun" coincidence than anything else. I joked with my younger sister that I could be Kagamine Len and she could be Kagamine Rin, since Rin has the same hair color and style as my sister when she was younger. Rin and Len have the same voice provider.
I guess most people think "this is a nice song" if they hear a song they like, I also think that, but some days I hear Len songs and become all happy, sad and frustrated at the same time. They just make me feel "why do I feel so sad and frustrated? It's Len, not me, because, you know, he isn't real. Yeah, I know that and that's the reason?".
I don't understand people who say that being other-hearted is "more fun and joyful" than being otherkin. I don't know what this is. Thoughts like "that's me! Oh, no, wait, he isn't real so it can't be" and the longing feeling hurts, a lot.
This picture below is one I found in late 2014 I think and I think it's really emotional and one of my absolute favorites.
Hmrmrmhmrmhrmhmhmmmmm. I'm not really sure how best to write about being kin. It's like there's some kind of perfectionist expectation undercurrent: that if it isn't in the right format, with everything thought ahead and figured out, everyone will hate it and hate me and I will be banished from all kin domains for all time. (I logically know that's ridiculous. None of my opinions or experiences have anything to do with anyone else, and the only things I think warrant banishment are judgmental tirades.)
Like, I KNOW I have thoughts about this, and recent ones too! But when I open up this blank space, I just sit here blank with bated breath. Maybe I need another half-or-full decade to feel into it before there's words to speak.
Maybe there's just not much to say because I'm embarrassed of what I do have to say: that I'm not fully in any one mythos or fiction so I don't feel I have to right to any depiction of elvenkind.
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