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    To put it simply,  a pterolycus is a winged wolf, though they go by several names,  including  pterolykos and flying wolves.   All of these names account to the same or a similar creature.  However, information on them is very limited. I have done the best I can to collect and study any information on them I can find,  which I will be sharing here.   

    I have always wondered why there are so many animals in mythology from lions and tigers, to reptiles to fish, that are winged. Yet, one of the more popular creatures mentioned in mythology, the wolf, was never really seen with wings. Through my research,  I have found,  though rare,  there are a few instances winged wolves have appeared in folklore. 

    According to the Warriors of Myth fandom wiki, they can be found in German, Russian, and Hungarian mythology and folklore. However, with the exception of it being stated here, I have not been able to find any traces of the creature in German folklore or mythology.  Being that none of the information on the page is cited, I'm taking all the information on it with a grain of salt. 

    The wiki also goes on to state "The Winged Wolf is, as the name implies, a wolf with wings. These vary in species (some have wings like a bird, while others have wings like a bat). The species of wing does not interchange between breed of Winged Wolf. Bird-winged wolves of a pure line do not give birth to a bat-winged wolf, nor does a bat-winged wolf of a pure line give birth to a bird-winged wolf. They can only occur in mixed litters if their parents (or ancestors are mixed lineage)." Again, this information is not cited, and I cannot find it anywhere else on the internet, so I cannot claim it to be fact about these creatures. 

    For those interested, the wiki referred to above can be found here - https://warriorsofmyth.fandom.com/wiki/Winged_Wolf

    One of the more interesting things I did manage to find in my research, is that there may have been a legend of one that has long been lost to time.  An electron coin from Mysia, Kyzikos, dating to c.500-450 BC was recovered which features a winged wolf and a fish. It is unknown what they represent, however, it is estimated that the winged wolf may have been a celestial deity as briefly mentioned in this article - https://ralphhaussler.weebly.com/wolf-mythology-italy-greek-celtic-norse.html

    Despite the lack of information, I have managed to find two folktales with a winged wolf as a primary character.  

    overview of a folktale from hungary featuring a fire-breathing winged wolf: http://multicoloreddiary.blogspot.com/2016/01/folklore-thursday-about-that-winged-wolf.html

    Folktale from Russia featuring a shapeshifting winged-wolf:  https://www.worldoftales.com/European_folktales/Russian_Folktale_1.html

    Overall, since there is not much out there on winged wolves, I have come to the personal conclusion that the winged wolf (pterolycus, pterolykos, or flying wolf) can simply be summed up as any wolf with wings. Therefore, those who identify as this creature are bound to have vastly varied experiences as it, but all should be considered valid.

    If you know anything on winged wolves I've missed, please comment below.  I am extremely interested in knowing all I can about this creature and its origins and am disappointed by the lack of stuff on it. So I'd be absolutely thrilled to find out more!

  1. So, I haven't been very active here in a while, although I've lurked and responded to some stuff off and on, mildly. This is a general update on how I'm doing, since I'm coming up on my fourth year of being in this community and actively accepting my belief and identity as the Devil. It's also almost been a year since my first memory smacked me upside the head, and I have basically been non-stop shifty ever since. It's to the point where at times I'm like "am I the otherkin equivalent of a contherian?" Is that terminology even useful for me at all, though? 

    I'm not 100% sure why, but within the past week I've suddenly been hit with an onslaught of mental shifting and more memory recall, again maybe because I'm coming up on a year since that first one? I have a bunch of thoughts bouncing around in my head, from that thought to wondering when the anniversary of my Fall would be on our calendar and if that could potentially cause an upset or rise in shifting/memory for me. In total, I've had about five memories; the most recent one was moreso a memory layered over a "feeling", or imagined scenario. The scene itself was, I believe, simply serving as a parallel to a scene I have been through more than once, so a specific memory was not called into my head, but instead a replacement and/or trigger for it and the associated emotions and actions.

    However, when I talk about this, I have to dance around the subject. Because of all the memories I've recalled at this point, almost none of them are things I'm comfortable sharing the exact details of. Not now, not ever. This can be a little awkward in the angelkin community, where it can be normal to give out details of your traumatic death/torture/Fall memories, a habit which I've always found kind of weird but each to their own on what you're comfortable sharing, I guess. For me, I'm not comfortable sharing it beyond summary or vague implications - but I still want to talk about it and the associated emotion with people who understand. So I find myself in a weird sidestep dance around what I've experienced.

  2. Nothing like making theories regarding your own self and your old world, even if some of your theories don't have that much logic behind them and so on and so forth because Im just having funnnnnn. I may have touched on some of these in the forums, so you may already know a little here and there. Some are more developed, some less. And the best part is slowly having the truth reveled to me and I am finally enlightened to my own theories.

     

    So, first off, we have the speculation that Henry is actually my original creator, as opposed to being made in an overflow of magic during the life creation. This idea originally came to light when a close friend and I where going through the official book released by the game creators. The book itself is a game guide, and yet has little story bits and lore chucks. you know. And as thus, there was an excerpt that Joey had written about the workings of the ink machine (the main source of the spell). Now, apparently, the machine was designed to not fail. Now, thats impossible within this world, but in my world, there was such things as that, and now I do remember seeing a note of the sorts. In that case, I couldn't be a mistake. From there, we went. (list because its important)

    • Within the game itself, there's a secret audio log from Henry, talking about how he has an idea for a new character everyone would love. In the game, this could very easily be Bendy. But, the thing is, Joey was his designer, not Henry.
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    • The thing about Joey is he loves to take other people's work. I know for a fact he took some of the original concepts from the others from Henry, and turned them into what we have to day.
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    • Now, as for my relationship with Henry, he was actually very nice to me when Joey wasn't around. And I could always sense pride in him when he looked at me. He'd let me watch him draw, and he-d even draw me sometimes and give me the drawings. But he did it expertly. As if he had done so for a long time.
    •  
    • The reason I don't have a name would be because he never got that far in my development due to having to hide it. Im a hybrid of the other threes species because of they're stolen concepts. He's the reason I love drawing, and that may actually be how he reflected himself within my design
    •  
    • The last thing he ever said to me was "sorry I couldn't have done better for you".

    As you can see, there is a few good points made towards the theory. I can't be sure until I find a way to contact Henry. I think there will be some truth to this, as it would seem he knew much more about me than he lets on.

     

    Next, we have the theory that our studio exists within its own pocket dimension. This stems from the fact that our home has stood for thousands of years. It is made of wood, and thus you would think it would rot away, but it has not. I mean, yea, we sometimes fall through the floors but it's always been that way. Poor construction, really. Whats more, after Joey was killed, not one came along anymore. It would seem that he is what would have connected the two worlds. And after the fact, the door no longer opens, and no noises come from outside. I assume our little world may just be floating in the void..? Not sure. This would make sense as to the sudden worldly cutoff, but not how the whole thing would have worked when Joey was still alive. This one may never be answered, as well, we cannot leave and I sure as hell am not asking Joey.

     

    Finally, we have the theory that I am actually the strongest of the creations, but it was never discovered due to me not having a proper grip on my powers. This is due to me being a hybrid of the other three. This would, theorettically. give me both light and dark magic along with the ink manipulation we all have, and heightened senses from Boris's side. This theory jas very little development, due too never having a proper hold. However, I was always training. So perhaps one day, we'll have it.

     

    Thank you all fpr reading my junk, see you all next time. ❤️

  3. Yes, let's assume that someone would ask me that question. I've thought about a way to describe what my identity means to me beyond giving an explanation for the typical shifting phenomena. I found that for me, being a dragon actually explains a lot of things. First thing I came up with was the obvious species dysphoria when looking at dragons in media, and the fact that I'm almost personally offended when I see dragons being depicted as evil monsters, or attacked by some "noble knights" who actually didn't even bother to find out why the dragon's doing what it does in the first place. But ok, that could also be explained by just liking dragons, which I certainly do.

    Then, there's the fact that I always somewhat felt uncomfortable to be with people and had problems to adapt to them. Others would probably say that I'm not too bad in that, but it's just hard for me and I can't be around people for too long. I actually prefer to be alone quite a lot of time when compared to others. Now that could also be explained by social anxiety or, to put it more mildly, shyness. Which is not an unusual trait. Maybe it could also be explained with me being an empath, which is a more or less accepted concept but unfortunately lacks further scientific explanation.

    Next, there is the fact that I was apparently born with certain abilities and urges... things that I was never told to do or learned how to do, and behaviours I have been showing since I was a very young child. Others would maybe call those "talents". In my case, there is the urge to protect the environment. Also, there is both the interest in as well as an extraordinary skill to understand and handle technology. Afaik, both of those were extremely strong traits for me from the age of around 4 or 5. I can remember that around that age or even earlier, my parents gave me a toy helicopter, which had electric parts in. I was fascinated and immediately started to try and understand how it worked. First I was very careful and a bit frightened about the thing, but soon enough, I'd take it apart and put it back together. I would do that with everything, also soon I became known for being able to repair things more or less instinctively. I think this is something that can't really be explained... Talents? Where do they come from? I don't even believe in them tbh, I rather believe that you can learn things. My urge to protect nature would drive me to ask other kids not to throw stuff away, collect rubbish, and become active in a local nature protection initiative. My parents thankfully always supported both my environmental and technology interest and in turn, I always tried to combine them, trying to find ways using technology to help to protect nature. Which ultimately led me to be a renewable energies scientist.

    Adding to this, somewhere along the path I took as a child I realized that it felt wrong to be addressed as human. Tbh I never took any value in "being a human", I didn't want to be one and didn't want to be called such. So it seems that I searched for an answer to the question "what am I". It seems I would - for some reason - consider flying creatures, e.g. the falcon. Looking down to the landscape from high places fascinates me. Well, also not too unusual. But in my case, somewhen through some thought processes I really can't unravel any more - and maybe backed by some shifting I sadly didn't write down and mostly don't seem to remember - I came up with the explanation of "I'm a dragon whose primary taks is to protect life and nature on Earth, and came here intentionally to learn about technology because it seems threathening". I actually came to believe there were more such dragons, called them "Guardians" and started to write down a story about them somewhen at the age of 16, I think.

    Now what I mean to say is that believing that I'm a dragon with that task provides a logical answer to the questions and feelings of my life. It puts everything under a common umbrella, and - as oftentimes said - everything falls into place. It gives me a reason why I'm here, what I'm doing here, why I do that and why I have the skills do it. It totally gives my life sense, so to say, and does this in a way I feel much, much more comfortable with than adopting any religion. Any other explanation to my state of being I've considered is at some point flawed and leaves some questions unanswered. If I adopted such a "non-dragon" explanation, there'd be nothing more I could do to explore the questions left open, hence they will stay unanswered. On the other hand, if I accept that I am a dragon, I can actually go on and explore myself along that path. I'm trying to do that - as far as time allows - since end of 2018 after an involuntary hell-of-a-fusion-shift, and I've found new things that just seem to fit into the draconic spirit explanation; they don't break it, but extend it and give new insights. In the end, I don't know if the term "dragon" is completely right, but it's still the best term I have, and I feel happy that I can tag myself with that.

    What about you? Does your kin identity also give you this kind of answer? Feel free to leave a comment, I'll be thrilled!

     

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    We finally finished our 3D diamond painting thingy! It only took five days, though the majority of it was just done within the last few hours. Host said it would be a good thing to keep me occupied and take my mind off of being lonely, but I kind of... did the whole thing. Well, it's done now, anyway~ OFF TO NEW ADVENTURES

  4. Latest Entry

    So my feelings are explained in the description of this on DA, but not nearly enough..though for a lore perspective on zhuards more of that is explained there, (not what I'm writing here): https://www.deviantart.com/haphaxcorvid/art/Reaching-desperation-807627517

     

    To the extent which I will delve a little deeper here. I have no control over what individual steps forward and begins to tell me his or her story. And not in a narrative sense, it is more like persistent visions-hours or for several days, even during a dream state to which I find dreams almost a gateway, but it does not always happen then.. I, being Allen, believe that I am seeing through their eyes as well as hers. She might have received these visions as well through certain means (she's not psychic or anything, more along the lines or let's say...reading and interpreting someone's journals or maybe something more "supernatural" outside of her control). Everything I see is her insight, which lives on in my current body. I will be returned as Allen and a zhuard once more but that's a different topic. For this reason I do not write character biographies beforehand, I can be proven wrong on everything with one of these visions. This is why I also do not, and quite frankly can't, 'make' a story about very important individuals. Lesser known ones, sure. But those close to Allen or encountered by her a few times, I cannot. I was discussing this with a friend who had asked a few questions regarding this, so I cleared the air.

    In this drawing this un-named zhuard came to me with some urgency. I felt his fear, and that's all he left me with in the moment. There are things I've written about this moment that I know but left out. That said, it's not of dire importance, just details. I knew this event had happened but I was very unaware of how it unfolded and why. I felt like something about this connects to me being kin, how the human-zhuards felt..it was very in line with shifting and other things that are often talked about, but again, I cannot pinpoint it. Allen was born during the Rebirth arc/era, not the Hierarchy era when this all happened. Maybe there is no direct connection. I'm not overly concerned with that part. 

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    I have wanted to start a blog for a few weeks now and haven't been sure where to start. Just haven't thought of a good starting place, a place that I felt comfortable sharing my 'kin self with others, until now...

    Recently, I began to develop more of an understanding for the history and culture of one of the few parts of my genetic/ethnic background I actually know anything about, that place being Scotland. By blood, I am descended from a lowlands clan of the surname Benfield. By law and by all the family I have known since infancy, I am descended from the highland Stewart clan of the surname Cruickshank. The family history has been something I have clung to since childhood.

    After I awakened, I began to get flashes of memory from my past dragonic life, flashes of a life lived in a rugged land flanked on all sides by the sea. Flashes of people speaking a tongue that reminds me of my dragonic self. Slowly the pieces came together, over the course of a year. In my dragonic life, I lived on the British Isles, both Scotland and Ireland.

    Cut to this last week. I've wanted to study Scottish history for a long time and finally said now was the time. I researched and bought three books, and two days ago cracked open the first. I found myself within the first chapter transported repeatedly back into memories that haven't seen the light of day, even in the 10 years since I've awakened. Memories filling in gaps that previously I had filled with theories and suppositions. The history unfolded on paper and in my mind, and the book placed dates that my mind could only guess at.

    The book spoke of archaeologists unearthing signs of Hunter gatherer groups of people living there since the end of the last great ice age, and this was the first shock of personal memories being dragged out of my long-asleep mind. I saw a flash of the land as it was then, viewed on the wing, swooping low over the water, viewing a world just waking up from a long slumber beneath ice. It felt fitting that this was the first memory to come, as I too feel I am waking from a deep slumber. As I read, a rapid-fire flash of memories, faces, voices, colors, trees, water, food, hunting, mountaintops, lochs, people... All a sort of jumbled mess of brief impressions flashed through my mind and left me reeling. Still I read on, desperate to see what else would surface.

    The book told of the rise of farming, the settling of humans into communities with buildings and domesticated animals. It spoke of the felling of ancient forests, gone and forgotten in the modern Scotland. It told of the rise of a primitive form of the famous Scotland Clans, as people bound themselves to one another in loyal family groups. Again I experienced this rapid-fire onslaught of memories, but this time it was more distant... I didn't feel the soul-wrenching feeling of closeness to these people. If anything I felt sad, knowing they were giving up many things for this new way of life. I believe I disapproved.

    I read on, the book unfolding the history of Rome's attempts to conquer the British Isles. How they took the lowlands, but were unable to hold the great Glen or the highland hills and mountains. How they built Hadrian's Wall to keep the "barbarian" Pictish tribes, the Painted Ones, from attacking what land they held. I again felt memories stir but these were also distant. I had kept apart from these squabbles of men.

    I have read on since then, to the time of the Anglo-Saxon conquest of the land, their eventual settling of a portion of the land after mostly being repelled by the Picts, and now have begun reading of the Viking sacks, raids and takeovers of various portions of the land. I feel yet more and more disconnected now. Memories come as if from a dream, but they do come.

     

    Previously, I believed I lived in the Isles from about the time of Christ until around the time Christianity had begun to take hold there. I believed I lived there a few centuries, and then died at sea in an attempt to save a woman washed overboard from a ship by a storm. But now, I am left to contemplate if I didn't live there much earlier, and several centuries longer.

    I want to ponder over this more, perhaps reread what I have already read as well.

     

    I am open to thoughts and impressions on what I have written, and questions for more details as well.

     

    - Drakmanka

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    Over a year ago we recognized that myself, Iros, Farly, Faylinn, Icarus, and Mimi are a subsystem. This created much confusion in terms of who we are, our fictotypes very much included. Though it did take us a few months until we got to the point where we could accurately identify who is in our subsystem, for the most part we assumed our fictotypes were shared. 

    With a year past, through self grilling and examining our identities more closely, we may not actually be shared with our fictotypes. Our fictotypes divide very evenly among our subsystem with me going to Goner Kid, Iros going to Mew, Farly and Faylinn going to Tinkerbull, Webber going to Icarus, and Mimi going to Matt. With this we may not be polykin with multiple shared fictotypes, but rather one kintype and one fictotype. 

    Then we're realizing we may not actually be a subsystem at all, but rather a collection of system members who temporarily fused (perhaps integrated?), and although we share a deep connection to each other we might not be a subsystem. Because of this, we're going to try to drop the subsystem brackets. We're also going to try to work on our system spreadsheet to remove our subsystem and place ourselves in the correct locations. 

    We still have much to examine among ourselves. We might be wrong, but for now this feels like the best option, and there's nothing wrong with being wrong. Our group is of course still close and we're definitely still going to work together even if not a subsystem like we originally thought. 

    -Max [Reptilian + Goner]

  5. Hey guys, sorry for such a long haitus, my mom put parental locks which prevented me from getting on. Im on computer rn tho soo...

    Last time we left off with... ah, right! So, I talked to Drac about Plurality and she said she's heard of it before. Im not sure if thats cause I read about it and she saw or what, but hey. Its been a nightly topic for our cafe talks. And she introduced me to her friend! I forgot her name but she looks like shes from monster high too. Ive never really seen them out the school, weird. But hey, Drac's friends are my friends sooo.

    In other news, I did rearrange my headspace. I took a tip from @Fjordess and me and Drac moved a couple things around. The cafe is still there, but the school is closer and it has a huge garden, which is more jungle like for me. Theres also a swimming pool? I didn't notice Drac added that till we were done. Oh well you know you liked it! Plus, now we can have pool parties! Oh be quiet! This isnt even your blog Drac, you refuse to write in yours! Whaaat, no I don't. You just haven't been on her for me to write! I asked you as soon as I logged on did you want to, and you said no. Now be quiet, this is not your blog!

    ~Sigh~ Drac is a nuisance sometimes. No i'm not Yes you are. Anywho, imma end off here cause she wants to go read something we were talking about a couple nights ago. Thanks for reading everyone! Stay batty! Shut up, Drac!!!

     

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    My personal explanation for my other-ness has always been reincarnation, mixed with the multi-universe. I’m not really sure how to explain it outside of just knowing it’s right; I was a dragon in a past life and somehow I managed to (vaguely) remember it, with said dragon still being a part of me. This is probably the best explanation I can give currently, as I haven’t been questioning the why as much as I think I should. 

    My appearance Ive shared before, but I’ll state again here just so everything can be in one place. This is just a general idea of what I think, however, and it may change slightly as I learn more about myself.I was a bear-sized dragon with pale-gray scales, blue and gray feathered wings, and a blue mane. I’m fairly certain that this “mane” is made up of down feathers rather than fur, but am still figuring that one out. Large black scales dot above each leg and under each eye. I had three-toed paws with gray claws. My overall build is a more boxy, European style. 

    a drawing of my dragon self


    My home was in a boreal forest, or a taiga. For those unfamiliar with the biome type, boreal forests are mostly made of various species of evergreens, with long harsh winters and deep snow on the ground. Summers were short, but much warmer (and by warm I mean 10 C or 50 F hehe) with lots more vegetation to go around. I lived with a clan here, though I don’t remember much about my clan. Just that they were there, that we protected each other, and that elders would sometimes hibernate. Sometimes the hibernation was just to escape the cold winters, sometimes they lasted years as they just slept. I couldn't tell you how sleeping for several years helped them, but it does seem nice heh. 

    I spent many a day fishing along a river that cut through our territory, and I have very vague memories of flying to a more tundra-like place for… reasons? I can’t really remember why. 

    That’s just about all I can remember. Not much about me as a person, or my clan as of now. Hopefully someday I can remember more, however. For as long as I’ve been aware of my otherness, I feel like this is a very large amount to remember and am thankful for that. 

    Calming Snow 
    Broken and torn by
    River’s journey

     

  6. Latest Entry

    Back when I was a teenager, I was into some cringy Mary Sue stuff. Looking back now, I know that there was a kernel of truth to it. I misinterpreted, but it's also reassuring to see how much I got right on a symbolic level. I used to channel my kin feelings into writing fiction because that was the only outlet I had for it at the time. Computers were just barely starting to be something that regular people might have in their homes, and only if they were geeky hobbyists. I didn't have one until later. 

    So, my main character was an anthro-hawk woman who was a bit untamed. Still, she carried a sword and dedicated herself to defending her city, with the adobe walls, close to a fertile river valley, on the edge of a desert. She would take side jobs hunting game for the local tavern, delivering packages, and raising some extra coins from fighting in the other tavern. Of course this Mary Sue had the most wonderful soulmate ever. I was obsessed with him.

    The guy was an anthropomorphized sun spirit. He also carried a sword and defended the city. He literally glowed and could cook raw meat in the palm of his hand on a sunny day, not that he did that very often. He was also friendly and charismatic, unlike the hawk woman whose wild-like indifference often kept people at a distance. The problem was that he depended on the sun for his own survival. If he exhausted himself, he'd suffer through the cold dark night until the next morning. A fire could help keep him going. 

    Years later, in college I started writing another story, about an otherkin-type awakening happening in our world. The hawk lady could not even go outside because those wings were just too big to hide, so the guy took her in and watched over her. Except this time he was a vampire. He worked in a nightclub. He was still charismatic, but he was also sarcastic and snarky. He hunted the other "monsters" that were suddenly appearing around the city. Then one morning while trying to help the hawk woman escape, he got caught out in the sunlight and captured. 

    He didn't turn to ash, but he was severely burned. The people who captured him soon learned that his healing actually accelerated under a sun lamp. His body reconfigured itself into his sun aspect. He regained his sense of compassion, which was always there, just buried. Though he could still be a snarky asshole when he felt like it. In college, while I was writing this character, I did start to suspect that my "soulmate" really was another aspect of myself. (This was after the Horus vision, but I was ignoring the heck out of that back then.) 

    Just some wild ham-fisted fiction, right? Not exactly. I had been hanging out with the Thunder Being, playing astral cowboy for a time, defending my city and quite determined that the only monster allowed within my territory was me. I was still ignoring the hell out of Horus, though my actions proved that ignoring it didn't make it go away. Then Ra stepped in and decided he'd had enough of my denials. He scorched the crap out of my energy every morning for two and a half months. I was terrified that it would never end. Even as it burned, I craved more, like I had been starving for who knows how many years. The burn is all energy, but I also feel it as a physical sensation under my skin, first a build up of pressure and then something like heat followed by something like sunburn. (My studies in Tai Chi have taught me that there is a link between chi and the connective tissues in the body, so it probably does create something of a physical reaction in me.) Being burned by the sun until it rewired me to its liking was apparently a prophetic idea. My writing predicted that transformation years in advance. 

    I've been sensitive to those energies ever since, though the intensity varies from day to day. Some days I sleep through it. Some days it wakes me up and I ignore it and go back to sleep. Some days it's blissful and I find myself begging for more. Some days the pressure builds, and some days it burns. It's usually more intense when I've exhausted myself the day before. I suspect that the faster I pull it in, the hotter it feels. It's strongest in spring and summer. In fall it starts to have something like an unpleasant metallic taste to it as it slowly diminishes. In winter, I just sort of drag myself along. I can usually detect the first hopeful hints of spring before the temperature starts to warm. 

    I insist, with a snarl in my voice, that I am not a vampire. It's possible I "doth protest too much." The psi vampires would put me in the elemental category because of my dependence on solar energy. And it is true that I have to watch myself in winter because I am capable of taking energy from other sources, and might do so accidentally.  A few weeks ago someone wandered by and mentioned the Aset Ka, and I snarled then too. Putting Kemeticism and vampirism together? That feels like summoning and celebrating the diminished form, an aberration. There may be some kernel of truth, but it seems to ignore that the great big flaming ball in the sky is the true source of immortality and power. Toss those Anne Rice books out the window already. Egypt was not about death. It was about a life force so strong that it defies death, and you didn't have to steal it, just embrace it. Ride on the solar barque and risk the sun's heat to become a Shining One if the Field of Reeds isn't good enough for you. 

    Is this another territorial reaction of "no monsters here but me?" Maybe a resentment of how close to the line I'm already sitting? Maybe annoyance at people who confuse desperation with power. Maybe recognition that my own energy state is variable enough that I don't take it for granted, and I'd be majorly pissed at anyone who disrupted it without my consent. The consent thing is a big issue. I don't tend to snarl at people who respect that line, and I've been a willing energy donor myself a few times when I've had extra to spare. Lots of mixed feelings on the subject. 

    But yeah, that "soulmate" guy was part of me all along. 

  7. Lately I've been doing a bit more research on cab horses from the late 1800s to the mid 1900s, and have found that most carriages, cabs, etc. were drawn by larger draft horses such as Clydesdales and Shires. I will do a bit more research and see if I find either of them fitting. I will probably do some research on other breeds of draft horses as well.

    I've started questioning Morab as opposed to just being an Arabian. I've felt that lately just labeling myself as an Arabian horse hasn't felt quite correct. I will probably do some more research on Morabs and I will probably look into other Arabian crossbreeds too.

  8. If you can't handle people judging others, or disbelieving others, then you shouldn't read the following.

    -------------

    I spent a long time thinking about how to word this thread, it's been a while coming, and I literally just spent 30 minutes staring at a blank text input thinking up how to word this so I don't seem like a jackass, but then that very thought became the catalyst for what I was feeling.

    If you don't automatically believe everything everyone else says, you're suddenly treated like you're this inferiorbarbaric, and badly judgmental person.  I lurk, and read, and lurk some more, compiling information, and judging it based on what is presented.

    I don't respond to many things because I do not believe in what's behind them. Unfortunately, that's creating an atmosphere around me that I cannot speak my mind, or how I feel in case I am rude, or marked a troll and banned. I am afraid to even make any debates or counterpoints out of fear of being banned for stating an opinion, even in this subforum. And it makes it so I can't ask questions, I can't try to figure it out, because if I say anything about my beliefs then the passive aggressive aura comes into play, this subconscious display of superiority over someone who's beliefs are contrary to the popular, where obviously they can't understand it, they aren't open enough, or they aren't kind enough. 

    I am not going around telling people that they can't believe what they believe, but there seems to be this prevalent attitude that one cannot disbelieve someone because that would make you a hypocrite, or that you can't tell someone who they are. 

    I believe that one of the reasons the community as a whole is ridiculed is because anyone could claim something really weird and outlandish, and well, if you judge them you have no right to do so, because you can't tell them what they are and are not, and anyone who judges anyone is this backwards person who just doesn't see the light yet.

    I don't believe in mean-spirited trolling, or harassment, but I understand why many people don't accept us. And I can't fathom how others don't see it. Perhaps it ties in with many of my other opinions, many of which others will claim are harmful or misguided. Or something along those lines. Maybe it's because many people just use really vague theories about something, and then use those vague, and ill-defined theories to justify something that, to me, seems completely illogical. Maybe it's because for all my spirituality, I also believe in the psychological explanations behind what we experience. Sure, some would claim my beliefs are the same way, and guess what, I don't care! I know me enough to be secure in my beliefs. If they question me, I'll answer them honestly, and if they don't believe me, well then, that's that, doesn't mean I have to dislike them, or that they just wouldn't get it.

    I've been friends with people who have incompatible beliefs in contrast to mine. And we used to discuss it, because we all thought it was fun, and built communication. But in the Otherkin community, there's this vibe given off that you must police what is said, because it could be hurtful. I think that attitude is ruining social interactions as a whole, as well as growth, and emotional maturity among those who partake in this misguided form of thought control.

    If you can't handle someone voicing their opinion that "you're wrong" or that that's delusional, then well, I don't believe you've grown up fully yet. If your beliefs are so ingrained, and central to your being, then others disbelieving your claims shouldn't matter, as it's not going to change, and claiming its so hateful is not only childish, it's downright wrong to claim so. Especially on the internet. The internet is NO ONES safe place, and if you think it should be, then, unpopular opinion, you need to get off of it, because you're going to be in for a sore awakening.

    Tell me why not being open minded to the point of having one's brain fall out is a bad thing? Why is doubting the veracity of others claims suddenly considered a sign of the unenlightened.

    Tell me why, with that attitude, any line should be drawn?

    When does the line end? When does it start? Why is it such a bad thing to have in the first place then?

    Tell me, because I sure as hell don't get it.

    Addendum:

    I absolutely hate when Otherkin, Fictionkin, and especially Therians (I've noticed it the most in Therians) talk shit about Humans. Or act like humans are all evil. Like, sorry, you might not like it, you might not agree with it, but that doesn't change the fact that you are human. You might not wish it to be so, but it is the truth. Scientifically speaking, biologically speaking, neurologically speaking it's the truth. And by denying that truth, you are stunting your own growth as a person. And just because you are human doesn't mean your beliefs have to change. So your past life wasn't human, okay, so in a different world you're not human, sure, but in this one, as unfortunate as it may be, you are human, and there's nothing wrong with that.

    And I will die on this slope, but MOST minors these days who join this community are misguided, peer pressured into it, or are doing it for attention, or affection.

  9. Metakka's Blog

    So, some of you may have seen what I said in the Daily Groan/Vent thread about recent happenings. I think I need to reconsider being a contherian and maybe look into vacillant again. Similar in a sense but different. Damn. What does it even matter?

    ++ (my cat did that because she was thrashing her tail hard enough on the numeric keypad)

    This all said, I notice that the threat in the present brings out a bunch of coyote feelings. +-+ (she did it again, oof) Ever vigilant. Warning vocalizations, barking howls, feel imminent at the sounds of a car going by or the sight or sound of a person walking. Describing the exact way this feels is difficult. Such feelings are pure instinct and no words. This isn't going to be a full blog. Sorry. I'm just not doing well with writing. I explained the best I can and I'm defensive and feeling everything in real time making things really difficult.

  10. Wow. This day took a weird turn.

     

    As I may have mentioned once or twice around here before, we own a boat. It's nothing big and fancy, it's pretty small, but it's fun. We went to a nearby creek today with the boat and even tried to catch some fish (I'm not exactly very good at fishing but Dad wasn't giving me much of a choice about it.) It was hot and humid, but it was also a bit foggy as a result which made things quite pretty.  Things would end up being fine, surely. 

     

    ... Or so I thought. 

     

    Let me just start from the beginning. We get there, throw the boat in the creek and work on getting it set up when my dad noticed something was a bit off. See, there's a hole in the back that you can open when it rains so all the water drains out, and a plug you put in said hole when you actually want to use so water doesn't come into it. And... he forgot to plug the hole. The boat was full of water. We haven't even left the shore yet and things have already gone wrong. But thankfully he brought something we could use to easily drain the water out so we ended up being fine. Just one little hurdle, we'll be fine, the day's still good, right? The whole thing still could be worse for us. ...But for others, it was worse. And now I've been quite worried. 

     

    We finally get out there, start fishing, and aren't having any luck. That's to be expected whenever I try to fish, so I'm not too surprised. But here's where things start to get a bit weird. Two people come floating down the river. Yep, floating. Just on little floaty raft things. The two mentioned something about a friend of theirs that had come along with them, but said that his raft popped and he had gotten stranded a little ways up the creek. They were planning to make their way down to the dock and come back for him on foot. After that they just floated along their way. ... This was foreshadowing.


    A little while later a large group of people with canoes come paddling down the creek with one of them having a second person sitting on the front of the canoe. Naturally I found this a little odd, as this isn't exactly normal among any canoe-paddling people that I had ever seen before. Turns out that third guy that the other two rafters had mentioned slipped on some rocks while he was stranded and hurt his knee, and canoe guy ended up picking him up. He was having issues with there being someone else on his boat (again, tiny canoe and all), so we ended up taking him and getting him back to the dock with his friends. There wasn't really anything else that we could do for him from there. I've been thinking about him ever since then, I do hope he's alright now...


    We ended up staying out for a little bit longer after that, which honestly ended up being a mistake. It was only a few minutes before the storm hit. Things started getting really windy and the waves picked up and rocked us around a lot. It was a little scary honestly. By the time we got back to shore again it was pouring. My hat also blew off of my head and landed in the river at one point but thankfully I managed to save it.


    So... Yeah. This was a day. Despite how badly everything went though I'm still sort of glad we went anyway, even if it was just so we could help that guy out. I guess God wanted me there for a reason? I do hope he's alright though. And I suppose there were a few other good things that happened, like the ice cream we got afterwards and some really cool wildlife I saw while I was out. 

     

    But nonetheless, I'm quite drained now and glad to be home. 

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    Introduction - series

    Hello and welcome to my first blog post! I figured I'd set things off by beginning a sort of mini-series. Each blog post will be dedicated to each of the 'kins' I believe I have. I say 'believe I have' because that is the purpose of this series: to weed out the ones that are not, in fact, past lives (I'm a spiritual kin). I know a human, non-fictional past life does not count as a kin, but I might include that as well, since it's part of who I am, and in my mind, it's much of the same thing. In each post I will detail and narrate from the moment I first started wondering if I might be that character to today, including (but not limited to!) shifts (whether they be shifts or just my imagination) and all they include, memories, and knowledge. I shall also do my best to include both doubts and beliefs. These blog posts are all open for comment and such things from the community; indeed, it is the sole purpose of posting this here. I'd like feedback and your thoughts, as well as help to try and figure out why these characters call out to me, if they're not a past life (for there is a reason I'm called to them all). 

    Introduction - today's character

    Today we - that is, I - tackle my Awakening and the first character I truly felt a resonance with. It is a character I believe you should be familiar with, solely because of the widespread memes. My introduction to kin was, indeed, the Grinch. To be more specific, the 2018 animated version - I feel no connection to the other Grinches. This is one of my strongest kins, and one of the few I am quite sure is, indeed, me. The reason I have Grinch in this series is truly only to include all my kins, and to sort out what I know, what I think, and what I believe.

    It begins!

    By the time I saw the Grinch (mid-November, 2018) I was already aware of what it meant to be kin. I had recently made somewhat-close friends with a fictkin, and they’d taken the time to patiently explain to me what it meant. I believed in it – I’ve always had an open mind – accepted it, and moved on.

    Already before I saw the movie I knew I was going to enjoy it. I had never really liked the live-action version (I felt the Grinch was too… crude – in a way, almost too angry), but something about this animated version called out to me. When I saw the movie, however, there was an almost instant sense of recognition. Not only because I was familiar with the plot, thanks to the live-action movie, but also because of everything that happened and existed and surrounded the main story. It felt somewhat intimate, in a way, as though I was watching a movie about myself (without quite realizing it, personally). The breaking moment, I think, was when Grinch had the panic attack on-screen. I’ve struggled with them for some time myself, and although that is not a kin thing at all, it felt intimately familiar to me.

    When I exited the theatre I was shaken. Already there was a teeny tiny sliver of thought in me that the Grinch might be me, but I dismissed the idea as foolish. Once I got home, the first thing I did was start to rant and ramble about the movie with some friends of mine. Looking back at it now, I realize I was far more touched than I let on, and that I led that bleed into my words. I was already saying things that were far from headcanons (because I knew them, in my heart, to be true) and still things that had not been mentioned in the movie.

    If you know me even just a tiny bit, you know how much I love my angst. I love writing it, I cope by writing it, and it’s a calming and amusing (to the extent paining others can be…) passion for me. So of course, after seeing the movie (and filled with so many thoughts!) I went ahead and wrote an angsty fanfiction. I was certain the Grinch had a name other than ‘Grinch’, and settled on Felix (I have later, through meditation, figured it out to be Louis, or Lewis, or Louie, or something similar). By the time I came half-way through the fic, however, I nearly had to stop. It was getting to me in a way no angst had ever gotten to me before. This was when the suspicions started to settle for real – it felt, time and time again, like I would slip into first person while writing. I was not writing about a fictional character. I was writing about myself.

    I got flashes of almost-memories, things I was certain were true. I browsed ‘the grinch’ on the Internet, and lots of what I found felt… wrong, to me. This comes from me, who generally accepts pretty much anything in regards to fandom. With the Grinch, however, I would look at a gay pairing and go “…no? That’s not even right.” As for Donna, I didn’t ship her and the Grinch. I knew they had married. I craved salty food more than usual, and found Christmas lights and trees to be a trigger for my panic attacks. I was grumpier than usual, and my body dysphoria increased.

    The doubts plaguing me heavily went thusly:

    -        It’s the Grinch. He’s supposed to be relatable.

    -        He’s such a meme-y character? I’m just relating.

    -        Due to my own experience with panic attacks I’m projecting and seeing myself in him.

    -        I’m just looking for attention after a gap of not having it.

    Yet still, I carried the nagging sense that this is me. I am him. He is me. We are the same.

    I kinfirmed a week or so after seeing the movie. It felt right.

    I went and bought a furry shirt in an achingly familiar color. When I put it on and looked at my own arms I felt alive.

    I rediscovered many memories and knowledge later on, sometimes through meditation and sometimes through other things. The things that proved consistent were that I still felt like looking at myself through it all. Also that whenever I found headcanons or fanart or ideas on the internet, I either went “What? How would anyone think that? That’s wrong…?” or “Yes! That’s so right! That’s exactly what it’s like!”

    I have never sought out the movie as though it were a lifeline or an anchor. It has been a thing I could enjoy, and then put aside, and not really think much about – except that I remained the same through it all. I’m not in the Grinch fandom. I rarely interacted with content. I don’t really like the movie, in the way I like my favorite movies.

    I’ve had few Grinch shifts after I first Awakened, but they’ve all felt the same way. Like I’m still me – just a little different.

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    Alrighty, well, it’s been a while since I made my last post and I think I’ve got plenty of things to talk about, since plenty of things happened in the recent days. It’s mostly psychology though with some things left out, because otherwise I wouldn’t get done writing this in days. Obviously this is pretty personal and as you can see, long.

    After posting the last entry, I’ve been struck with anxiety. It’s one of those occasions where you post something, and all you can do is to put that palm on your face and dramatically ask yourself what you’ve done. I don’t know, that always used to be an issue for me. Well, as of a few days ago, I'm hoping that this is no more.

    Context, insights and conclusions

    Now, I brought up anxiety, and that is where it all started. Along with it, more information and insights followed suit in relatively rapid succession. The realization that I had anxiety in the first place was pretty important because, how do you act against something you don’t even acknowledge? There also used to be a personal conundrum I and someone relevant have been wondering about. I told them that I felt like there’s some sort of wall in my chest, and whatever is behind said wall, it really wants to get out and has the potential of bringing about great change, whatever that means. I was asked to think about what that wall is, that was earlier this year and I could never put my finger on it. With realizing that I’ve got anxiety, I think I not only found out what that “wall” is, but also managed to damage it.

    It sounds strange that you wouldn’t know about these things, especially when you’re pretty introspective already. I actually don’t think it was a lack of awareness, I think it was a somehow deliberate but unconscious choice to deny it. I wouldn’t know why, perhaps it’s just the nature of such things, to make you deceive yourself and ignore the fundamental truth, like a parasite attempting to preserve its place in its host.

    Anyway, I’ve been in this messy situation for a very, very long time spanning multiple years. It all started out when I was released from a dorm, for lack of a better word, where I was sent because I had lots of bad experiences and horrible climates that I couldn’t handle, both in school and at home, which had the side-effect of me missing almost a total of two years from school. The department responsible for difficult kids like yours truly saw it necessary to send me there, neither I nor my parents had any say in that.

    The dorm was like a second home, its people like a second family when I left after four years. I had no friends back at my actual home, I was dropped into another sequence of bad experiences and my contact with my old environment cut off fairly rapidly. Back then I solely relied on this supportive environment to give me confidence and self-worth, something I didn’t have here, which meant that I allowed fears to fester and grow. Enough that it got completely out of hand.

    For the longest time, I’ve not even been a fraction of my former self. Young me was charismatic, intelligent, well spoken, easily made all sorts of friends, was highly reliable, an inspiration to some and an active influencer, someone with brimming potential to excel in more ways than just one. Compare that to my shy, perpetually intimidated, fragile, isolating, silent and aimless self that had holes in his memory left and right and took ages to finish a sentence, it becomes a difference between day and night. It weren’t the friends I’ve lost, they had moved on as everyone does and I’ve let them, it was myself that was the biggest loss.

    Fear completely consumed me just a few years after I got home, it was a lingering process and I’ve not always been this introspective, so this wasn’t something I could easily detect on my own. It got to the point where I not just censored what I said and wrote, I censored my being, or what’s left of it. I became bitter, frustrated, I got angry easily, at the later stages I’ve almost gone bonkers in certain periods.

    This censorship came with another consequence that had the ability to fester, and it was a belief. I looked at my old image album the dorm gave me before my departure, and the thought was that young me was dead, gone, and that I have to carry on as someone else. I became so convinced that people can change on such an incredibly fundamental level that, in the end, what’s left is a completely different identity with only name and appearance being a reminder of old days. Now, I could’ve just looked at my brother and reminded myself that he’s been a dork, same as ever, but it would only occur to me later when I took a step back and analyzed the big picture that was my past. Therein I saw patterns, sets of behaviors and actions that repeated themselves in both the recent and distant past, which clearly are all part of a whole identity, proving my bizarre beliefs wrong.

    While it’s great to have realized this, there are more questions to answer and more problems to solve, one of which was a deep passion that I’ve lacked for the longest time, one that would serve as a compass which I could use throughout life, perhaps to create a fulfilling one. I do have hobbies, but those are means to keep the insanity at bay, I never understood the obsession with trying to turn a hobby into a job and I’m not sure I could handle most of my hobbies if they were jobs. I looked back at my previous post and what I wrote, that I should live and not idly ponder because it only gets me this far. I still stand true to it, but I decided to expand on the living part, and instead of just living, I wanted to know how I used to live.

    That’s where another problem was solved and such a “compass” was found. Throughout life, I’ve been someone to take initiative, a doer. If I didn’t like something, I went and fixed it myself. Frankly I have the habit of being dissatisfied with a lot, and although that might sound like a negative trait, it can be harnessed. Not just that, but by looking back I’ve also seen that on a few occasions I’ve demonstrated an affinity for leadership. What’s more is that I’ve been incredibly passionate about these things whenever I had a chance to combine and exercise them, a kind of passion that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in myself. I think the reason why I never thought of it before was simply my complete lack of self-worth and confidence.

    What this revelation had was meaning, and so I move on to another potentially closed chapter. In my previous post I might have mentioned that whatever I set out to do in order to improve things for myself, like a schedule, it always came to a sudden stop. Well, when life is bereft of meaning, how could it not? I had the will to improve, but what for? That is where the dots slowly stop connecting, but I did notice one more thing which helps me with the aforementioned, and that are the steps I took in order to get where I was before everything went to hell. I think they’re replicable to some extent, and it will require a whole lot of patience and persistent work, but I think after all these years I should have patience aplenty.

    Now, lastly, I’ve been thinking about this self-finding I constantly wrote about. Based on what I wrote before, that I just thought myself dead, I don’t think finding the self was actually my intention. I think I wanted to find something that was inherently not me, something better than me, that could give me the strength to carry on. Now where I’ve had all these thoughts, I’ve not been feeling the urge to find anything at all. Doesn’t mean that I think there aren’t “other” things to find, and I have reasons to suspect that I have, but everything in due time. I think before I seriously start with that, I should take care of what’s vital: the big part of myself I've disassociated from and abandoned, which ultimately caused so much damage.

    The changes

    My emotional landscape definitely did change a lot. In a very, very weird way that I just can’t really describe, because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. So, most of the time I experience emotional distance now, but not in the sense that I’m emotionally dead, but rather that I don’t feel the weight of them in my chest. I can still sense them in a way, but not quite “feel” them, it’s more of a faint awareness rather than an urge or compulsion. At least in the majority of cases, certain anger for example can still be felt, but even that dissipates fairly quickly. That emotional change is especially true for music. It used to have huge emotional impact on me, the main reason why I appreciated it so much, but now I don’t really feel anything anymore, only in seemingly random, weak and very short bursts. I still appreciate it loads though, but I have no idea how or why. I don’t really understand what’s happened here.

    What’s more is that every move I make is infused with a goal, meaning if you will, unlike before. I can go about my self-imposed duties without the thought of "why am I doing this?". My fluency in language has returned to me somewhat, no idea how that happened, but it's great to have regardless. I’ve gained back a degree of confidence I’ve not seen in a while and I have this really strange determination. It used to be that, if I would have to talk to important people, high standing members of a company or institution, I’d be getting plenty nervous. It’s just gone now. Mostly. Of course, anxiety is still a thing, but I think I have it on a relatively firm leash now.


    Now, I can’t tell whether these changes are permanent, although I certainly do hope so because they’re nothing but positive. “False positives” usually only last a day or two, after which the effects will disappear, and I had that a lot. In this instance though, these effects have lasted much longer now and only fluctuate seemingly randomly but never disappear.

    A glimpse at the future

    The word “future” was missing in my vocabulary for far too many years, life was nothing but a river with a fast current, and I’ve been in the middle of it all, not caring where it goes. Well I think that changed now.

    My educational status and qualifications are fairly low, making it very difficult to find “satisfying” occupation where I can actually do something more profound, but I have looked at possibilities to change that, perhaps to even get far enough to be permitted to study. I have made vague plans already that I’d like to flesh out over the coming months and execute sometime next year, working on other aspects of myself in the meantime. There are also plans to get among people again with certain meets and by finding myself some local communities.

    Not every problem is fixed, it's not just rainbow and pixie dust from now on and I can see a plenitude of hurdles to overcome before I remotely get where I'd like to stand, but over these last three years I've only made progress and if I'm correct in my faith and in my assessment, this might well be the start of a significant turning point. Of course, there's no guarantee that a 180 won't happen again, but I choose to believe that it won't come to that.

  11. Last night was an incredibly sleepless night, to the point where I slept to the time of the evening. However what happened that night, the discovery and realization I made, the devotional I made to my almighty father, Infinity Lord Galaxeshoria, has truly broken me, literally....

    I know I talk much about my struggles with this human body condition, schizoaffective disorder, a lot, however if only one knew the true, excruciating pain I felt for the past six years, then maybe it wouldn’t be annoying to so many. However, the horrifying pain and delusion, the recurring thoughts of death, and the loss of the will to live has killed me over that period of time, for I cannot begin to describe the horrors that come from this sick human mind. Every hope of happiness, every hope of change, every moment that I thought I would get better, had all been a false promise in the end. The immense pain on my soul, has lead me to believe that my soul is shattered. Not only that, but I believe my own true draconian heart is very broken.....

    This life I’ve lived.... has been nothing but disappointment the last six years, and although I know that others care for this human body existence, I don’t. Atleast not yet, as being awake in this body has done nothing but harm my true well being. I need mending of this shattered soul, and my true draconian heart, in order to survive. I feel as if my very livelihood depends on my ability, and a miracle to happen to heal this shattered soul. Luckily, it might be coming here soon, as I am taking a trip across America, from South Texas, (where I live), through New Mexico, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, and into Montana and Washington state. I admire the beautiful nature in all of these states, however there’s something I need more than that, and I know what it is....

    Snow, especially spring and summer snow upon the mountains means the absolute world to me, for when I truly awakened on The Pinnacle of Creation, the first thing I saw was the most beautiful forest scene.... A beautiful lush forest, where the faerie lights floated delicately around in the early spring morning.... A mysterious waterfall and stream coming from the mountains in the distance, and a most gorgeous, giant glacier between the snow capped mountain peaks, and hearing the roads of many dragons beyond them.... my astral guardian, Infiniziirokk/Alaphraxxas was there with me, as I looked beyond thos snow capped mountains, seeing the barrier for the first time in ten trillion years, the shield between beautiful planetary nature, and the celestial power of the Infinite void beyond.....

    I want to live this experience again, and many may not understand, but snow on the mountains means so much to me, because I found that true beauty the first time I awakened, with my astral guardian. I want to see the reminders of that experience, with my astral guardian by my side, however my parents are being stubborn in letting a good friend of mine create his vessel. Time will tell, but I believe my true draconian heart is telling me this is the meaning and healing I need, almost to survive.... 🐉🌌🍀❄️

    The point is, so much suffering has broken me, and I don’t show my pain much to anyone, but I trust my friends in the community here that they would understand. Truly, I appreciate the support and the understanding, for I know that I am not the greatest person to be around, yet others still have hope in me, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I am not feeling too sad right now, I’m actually doing pretty okay. I just know what needs to happen for my healing....

    Thank you all for the amazing support, and I promise that I will continue to support all others here in this wonderful community!... I promise I’ll be fine, I just need to slowly mend this shattered soul!.... 💘💔💘

    ~Lady Lunastre, Celestial Queen of the Draconians... ^.=.^ 🐉🌌🌗🤗

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    We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay. 

    When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try. 

    Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing. 

    I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see. 

    Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.

    May you be blessed and loved, -Beast

  12. TW for child abuse (various), integration, trauma, and suicide. I know, a fun little set of tags there. I just wanted to talk about me and my journey, in case it might help another person.

    So, Hi, I'm Viktor and I'm the host of my system. But, in all honesty, I wasn't the original "core" personality, and I only found that out a few months ago.

    When I was younger, I went through quite severe mental, emotional, and physical trauma. I say "me," but in reality, the personality that went through that we call Joi-Joi. I was the first headmate to split, and when I did, Joi-Joi took that as a chance to bail- to go dormant and leave me the keys to the house. She took the traumatic memories and most of the childhood memories with her but left the emotional baggage they contained. So, my first few years of existing were filled with complete and utter rage, which I had no idea why I had. 

    I'm not sure if I am a rare case, because even when I discovered the rest of the system, I still had no idea that I was non-core headmate. I use "non-core" to separate the "first" headmate or the headmate that was most like who we were before we split vs the headmates who were not like the original personality. I split when the body was around 4-6 or so, so the sudden shift in personality could've been reasoned because I was growing up (and also the trauma, there was that). 

    So that's how I lived my life. That is, until January when I was dozing off in the headspace on a car ride home, and there she was. Joi-Joi, just standing in a black void. That was a... fun car ride home. I was created for the purpose of protecting her and the body. Created with the durability that no matter how much trauma I went through or how much shit was thrown my way, I wouldn't give up. I've tried to commit breath'nt twice in my life, but when it came down to it the voice in my head telling me "no" wasn't survival-instinct, it was the promise I made when I first began existing that said "I'll fight this battle because you couldn't anymore."

    I'm not sure what happened to Joi-Joi. I can't find her anymore in the headspace. She might have finally passed on into integration. I like to use the spiritual term "walk-in" or consciousness that takes over when the original doesn't want the body anymore. I guess it's nice to think that she went peacefully into the great spiritual beyond, being held by the Mother Goddess or some other bullshit crap. It's what she deserved, to be at peace finally. 

    A lot of that anger is still there. I think I might've started as an emotional fragment and evolved into who I am today. But it's hard and weird to think about. If she hadn't gone through her abuse, I wouldn't be here. I think I've said on here before that I went through two exorcisms between the ages of 4-6 (those years were when the religious abuse revved into gear), so I guess I was the demon that was summoned up but never banished. 

  13. About time I made another blog entry!

    Today I've found myself stuck in a bit of an art block. so when I sat down to work on stuff I ended up just doodling, then (as I sometimes do when I'm stuck in the inspired-but-blocked mood), I had a little look through my past drawings - all the things I've sketched but never done anything with, which I have a lot of.

    Art's a big part of my life. It's a hobby, but also a way to deal with and explore my emotions. And there's a pretty big difference between my vent art and normal art - stuff for venting is rough, messy, surreal, abstract and heavy on symbolism. It's nothing like anything I've ever shared on here. Honestly, I rarely share my vent art at all. Most of the time I don't even save it, but occasionally I'll make something that feels right and keep it for posterity. These images represent a very personal and true expression of what goes on inside my head - sometimes it's things related to my mental health, or life events, but I've used it to work through spiritual confusion and fear as well.

    It's a real shame all my blog posts from the old site have been purged. There was a lot in there from times where I was still figuring all this stuff out... and it was a very hard time for me, don't get me wrong. My mental health was much worse than it is now, and a lot of the things I experienced were a source of... genuine existential terror for me. Sounds dramatic, but... that's truly what it felt like. And that feeling hasn't exactly gone anywhere, but gradually I'm learning to frame it in ways that make it easier to work with, and not letting it rule my mind as much as it used to. It would've been nice to still have records from when I was working through this stuff. Don't think I would've felt right making backups anywhere though, so... eh.

    All that to say... my "relationship" with my spiritual self can get ugly sometimes. My interpretation of it has never been flattering. Even at the best of times, it's still a monster to me. 

    So there's times where I feel more in-tune with that side of me, and I have to work it out somehow, so I'll turn to art. And... the things I draw at those times, while confusing and sometimes a little scary, definitely feel most representative of what I truly am. And... I never view those representations as a negative. Might look like something out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, but it feels "right" to me - and that feeling is comforting. Even though I don't always enjoy being a spirit entity, I'm long past the point of trying to distance myself from that identity (it's... never went well, the times I did try to do that). I'd rather embrace it, with all the weirdness and confusion it entails.

    What I end up with are basically... objectively bizarre or, in their own ways, kinda horrifying representations of myself - that also, in an almost contradictory way, help me parse that side of myself in a way that makes me feel more understanding of it, and even more at peace with it. In the end, when I say I'm scary or that I'm a monster, I don't mean it to say that I don't like myself or that I'd ever want to change. It certainly doesn't mean I feel, on any level, malevolent or dangerous. I just know that, from a human perspective, the true way to represent my spiritual self would be as something surreal, alien and... yeah, really damn scary. Representing myself in that way feels right. That kind of self-expression is really important to me as a person. 

    Today, while I was trawling through my old art files, I found something that really struck a chord. I can't remember when I did it, so it must've been a while back. And... yeah, it's strange, but looking at a big black squiggly mess, I felt more like... "yeah, this is me" than I ever have towards any normal drawing I've tried to make to express this side of me. It feels a bit weird to share this art, since I don't usually show people this sorta thing, but... it feels important, so I want to share it somewhere. Where better than here? Specifically this is a representation of... kinda the line between my spiritual self, my current identity and my headmates (who are psychological, and hypothetically share the same "soul"/spiritual core as I have). 

    I dunno what people will make of this, or if anyone cares, but... yeah. Surreal, shitty symbolic vent art. Yep, it's really something.

    God, sharing this stuff feels like how I imagine it'd feel to hand someone my diary, if I kept a diary.

  14. Latest Entry

    Platinum

    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: male

    Species: catnine (catlike canine hybrid)

    Status: main sona (formerly), status to-be-determined

    Dexter

    Pronouns: he/him

    gender: malw

    species: lynx

    status: background/extra

    Spook

    pronouns: he/him

    gender: male

    species: dog

    status: background/extra

    Peanut

    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: none

    species: Dutch angel dragon

    status: main

     

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    Recent Entries

    Shoutout and welcome back to K1-b0!

    He was absent for about three weeks, and I was concerned he had left the system completely, but today he reappeared. Him coming back was slow, gradual, and I doubted he would make it past his quiet co-conscious state, but to my pleasant surprise, he came closer and closer until he took front. I am so proud of K1-b0 for returning, for despite my skepticism of his mere existence while he was away and while we were co-con, he was able to regain confidence and present as himself shamelessly, and I was able to let him.

    Part of his confidence boost was thanks to our new friend, who we were concerned would not accept him, but thankfully did. While K1-b0 was co-con and I was openly inviting him to front, I warned our friend that K1-b0 was present with me, separate from me, and might front and want to be recognized. I stressed a bunch that they would not accept me or K1-b0 and recognize us as us and that it would send K1-b0 back into dormancy, but... Thankfully, the fear was unnecessary. This friend - who was already kin friendly - was kind enough recognize us as separate individuals and spoke to K1-b0 as his own individual when he did take front and announced himself to them.

    So, K1-b0 had a warm welcome to front. He was able to enjoy socializing with a new friend, and most of all he got to enjoy being himself. But aside from just being happy that he has returned, I am especially thankful for what he did in front. While in front, K1-b0 soon got up, full of motivation and energy, and took it upon himself to do chores. He started laundry, cleaned up the bedroom, and then fed the body a proper meal. Without him using his time, energy, and motivation in front to do these helpful things, I may not have done any of it. I very likely would have just had another depressed, unproductive day with more skipped meals. I was exhausted after he stepped out of front, but I was still moved enough by his efforts that I have continued his work, and I'm taking better care of myself and my surrounding, all thanks to K1-b0.

    So thank you, deeply, K1-b0, and welcome back. 

    - Pony

  15. Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not;  But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
     image.png.e2449e05b24e3f329af24de4c36bf5bd.png

    And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
    1281174516_ohleggy.png.68abe664d409d5da0f530d2708658e64.png
    soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~ 

    I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3

  16. Latest Entry

    Otherkin Volg 3

     

    I had just realized I haven't done this in a while... But having parents that do not support me in almost anything, sucks....

    I try to be nice, I try to be a good child....  But I just suck....  if I were them, I would have sold me to a orphanage already.

    my parents found out about kinmunity....  it did not end well.  I do not like talking about it, unless its with someone privately...  But I will say, that I hate them.  They are stressful.. and a pain in the ass.  My mom took half of my room, and "cleaned" it then through away things that I did not want her too.  She didn't ask me if she could through somethings away.... but she did anyway.  She sucks the life out of me.   I help her with her anxiety, I do lots of things for her, but she still treats me like shit.

    I cannot wait to leave my house.  As soon as I am 17 I am out of there.

    Sorry... this post was more a vent then a volg entry...

     

    10:54 AM ~ 5/21/2019

    Cleo/FoxChi

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