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  1. So, it’s rare, but recently they’ve become more frequent.

    I hate my eye color in those times, because I can’t recognise myself in the mirror. To the point I want to break it, to the thoughts of clawing out my eyes. Until now, I looked up numerous ideas, no matter how risky, out of my desperation in those times.

    Normal colored lenses have no prescription, which I’m fine with because I can just wear them under my glasses. They’re also daily.

    And they help, I underestimated that feeling. Because having dark brown eyes almost drove me to madness, they make that gray so much darker... and it is so nice...

    The problem with that is, because of astigmatism, they don’t sit 100% perfectly. And I sighed.

    Until I found out this evening that toric (astigmatic) colored contact lenses exist. After a lot of searching and dead-ends that showed me one or the other.

    Very, very rare - and very expensive since they need to be custom made... Currently, I’ve a pair of some that run at €80 *each* - but, they last 3 months at a time.

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    Tick tock tick tock the clock is counting down. Tick tock tick tock and soon the earth will drown.  Tick tock tock tick no more suffering will resound. Tock tick tick tock without humans nature will rebound.

  2. Winter is one of the best times to see the Northern Lights if you live or travel in the right area, because of how long each day is dark for (although the fall and spring equinoxes are the peak moments). Because of this, I've been seeing a major uptick in aurora photos from all the nature blogs I follow.

    For me, my reaction to the aurora is definitely an alterhuman thing. I have this feeling/memory regarding them, that the streets in heaven were kind of empty at that hour of night because heaven is full of wimps extremely diurnal beings so I would stay up and walk out there alone just to experience them. They come dancing down among the buildings, bathing everything in light, and flow out past the edges of that place and down into the real sky of the earth. The sounds they make are their own music, and I could trail my fingers through them, change their shape and watch them curl away in spirals that crackled and snapped, fly through them. And that at the moment of choosing to Fall I saw them and it seemed like they were pulling me with them out past heaven and down into the world. The feeling they give me here is powerful, one of beauty and nostalgia in a way they makes me both achingly sad and inspired at the same time.

    So when I think "light-bringer", I think of the Northern Lights and darkness instead of sunlight. It would feel absolutely wrong for me to say something like "Lucifer was bright and sunshine and God's Favorite" because to me that's not...exactly it. Honestly, I think my interpretation and assumption of the name comes less from my "angelic role" and more from the time I was created, which with the symbolism of Venus and all is just before dawn, aka the darkest hour.

    A while ago I made some simple art to try and capture this feeling/memory and sentiment, pairing an image with some of the lyrics from the song Dear Wormwood by The Oh Hellos.

    image.png.4a800042028ec1672341aa7c254eacba.png

  3. (I had one lyric about pendulums, and I already used it on the forum, sadly.)

     

    I'm not usually one who follows ideas of "divination" and "spirits" and "magick" and all that stuff. I feel like an idiot when I'm making use of my mini-shrine trying to communicate with Pan, and that's just talking. I never thought about going beyond that, really. But when I was discussing some of my theories on Discord, somebody suggested using a pendulum for communication, after warding it. I thought to myself, hey, why the hell not? The worst case scenario is that nothing comes from it. So as long as I'm ready to take everything I find with a huge pinch of salt, I should be OK. With that in mind, I did a little bit of research and gave it a try.

     

    I used a turquoise necklace I already had as my pendulum, and "warded" it using incense and focusing on the purpose I had in mind. That part felt kind of silly, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. After warding, I established that I was trying to talk to Pan, and determined what meant "yes" and "no" both by asking and by trying some questions that I already knew the answers to. Once I was satisfied, I started asking about my past life, and that's where things got interesting. Again, everything should come with a big pinch of salt.

     

    Assuming I was actually communicating with Pan, he told me that contrary to my working theory, I was not a victim of transformation in my past life. He said I was a faun in that life, but oddly, I was born as a centaur. So that was weird. I then established that I was some manner of shapeshifter. Furthermore, my past life father was a shapeshifter too, and an immortal one at that, but not a god or a titan. My past life mother, meanwhile, was a mortal, though I didn't ask if she was human. Finally, Pan revealed that I was a student of his in my past life, but that we met later in that life when I came looking for him. That was all I could get before he was finished answering questions.

     

    Obviously I'm not taking any of this at face value, and I plan to do it again soon to try to "verify" the phenomenon. But it's still interesting to think about what this could mean if it's true. The biggest question I'm left with is, what's immortal and a shapeshifter but not a god or titan? Limiting myself just to Greek mythology, I found a few possibilities. First up is Phobetor, a personification of dreaming that could appear in the mortal world in the forms of animals and could change his form at will. Whether Phobetor qualifies as a god seems to be hazy based on my very little research, so it's quite possible that Pan wouldn't consider him one, even if he was immortal. Proteus is another interesting possibility; he was more likely to be called a god than Phobetor, but he was known to change form often. Those are the two obvious things I found, but I also found myself drawn to Typhon for some reason. I described him in a prior entry; he's not a god or a shapeshifter, but he is immortal and has been shown with various animal parts. I dunno.

     

    I'm not going to put too much stock into this before doing a bit more to verify things, of course. But it is interesting to think about. It really did seem like the pendulum was working, though I realize it responds to hand movements. Perhaps next time I'll try doing it without holding the pendulum myself. I'll write more if anything else comes up. In the meantime, I am intrigued about the possibilities, and especially Phobetor given how well he seems to match what I "learned."

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    One thing I've noticed since being open about my fictionkin identity is the immediate 'are you sure you're not a ___?' response. I understand this completely, and whenever a creature was mentioned I would do my best to look into it. Thing is... it kept going. I would be writing essays upon essays about how I felt and why I am a banshee, but still someone would ask if I was a dragon or a bird instead. I've gone through pterosaurs, dragons, dinosaurs, sea creatures, birds, reptiles and so much more, yet apparently it's not enough. Even close friends - who have followed me through my otherkin journey - have asked if I'm sure I'm a banshee just because something similar exists on earth. It feels like everyone doesn't believe me, even when I pour my soul out in writings to show them what I feel and why I believe what I do. I've had many labels throughout the years but not a single one has fit like the ikran. I am undoubtedly an ikran on all inner levels, at least as far as I can see myself.

    I know people are just trying to make sure I've put thought into my identity before I claimed something, but I would have thought that my constant blogging would have been satisfactory for them. What do people want? A full novel about how I'm not a Pteranodon, a comic book about my past incorrect feelings of being a dragon, or a six part movie series about my struggles to define whether I was a bird or not? I share whatever I can when I can yet it's still "okay but what if you're NOT fictionkin..." and it becomes a cycle. People say 'are you this instead?' and I have to link them to four month old essays in which I address that. Someone else asks a similar question and I have to show them a blog post from a year ago addressing THAT question. I just can't say I am these things they tell me I could be - I've been ashamed of being fictionkin before because of online harassment so I deliberately sought out Earthly creatures I could 'pose' as. None fit.

    I have never felt so sure of myself. Instead of forcing myself to identify as a pterosaur or some type of bird, I am embracing what feels natural, right, and logical. I'm not a microraptor, I'm not a Quetzalcoatlus I'm not a dragon, I'm not a manta ray, and I'm not a macaw. I am Pterodactylus giganteus - a mountain banshee.

  4. I'm floating in the wind towards the light that is beckoning me, the veil has been peeled back and I see reality for what it really is, I'm going to the land I was promised. Promised but also chosen to go to, forced to, transformed without my consent to a willing inhabitant of this land. Is it weird how they can do that? Make you consent to something? Oh there's another layer of the veil to pull off, how did I not see that? I swear this time is reality. Not only is my body not my own, it's its own person, that knows everything I know and I wear like a skin because that's what I'm in, it's my kin, that I'm in? Two of me. Unless only one is the me and the other is another? I'm in my land now where I belong and traveling endlessly I am going to become it that is why I am here. Yes, I will merge with it! I was meant to do this...that's why my body doesn't feel like me because it isn't! I am this land and was misplaced into that other place and I have to crawl out to become myself

    Thank you, I am here, I am where I was supposed to be, I am in the wind

  5. Well, I suppose I should write a blog post documenting all that I recalled yesterday evening.
    I'd decided that I had enough small snippets of memories to attempt to stitch them together into some sort of narrative. Originally I didn't even think I had much of a 'personal' timeline, myself being from the original core point meaning that I am all timelines and interpretations in a way, though despite this I always knew that some telling resonated with me far stronger than others. Yesterday was the day I realised alongside being all versions, I also have my own personal timeline.

     

    This blog entry shall be a raw summary of my timeline from as much as I can remember, this was all written 'as' I was working through it and remembering,
    so it's a little disjointed, but it should still remain readable. There will be mentions of death and violent imagery in this blog entry.

    301804931_IWillGiveYouaCrown.thumb.png.46cd97a8b87a0b71ca4a297575394791.png

     

     

    Our life prior to Yui was mostly the same, however we have the ability to change into large bat forms come full moon which we learn to do around puberty. I don't know if Cordelia's heart was placed into Yui as before however. She never possessed Yui as in HDB. (Actually maybe? The taste of her blood was the same.)

    I remember burning the village as a child, venturing into the human world for the first time I had little idea of where to go, just an idea of where Edgar went. I set fire to the stable after letting go the horses. The houses were mostly made from wood, but it was dark, and I didn't venture far in. I ran off as soon as I started the fire, I didn't even look back.

    I know I lose Yui, not that she was ever bound to my route anyway. There was no single route as like with the games. It was much more fluid and 'natural'. She was only with me a short time, and was soon taken by Shu. I tried to take her back... I didn't care for her, but knowing Shu had her was too much to bare. Tensions rose, but rather than me trying to kill Yui as I do in Shu's route, my conflict with Shu rose instead. Under the full moon we took up our bat forms and clashed. Shu almost crushed my skull between his jaws, but I impaled his with my scythe claw.

    Yui was not around, I only remember the triplets watching.. She might have been unconscious.. asleep? Tied up? I never found out. After killing Shu I knew father would take notice. I was filled with so much raw emotion... It was overwhelming, and the night was still young, so I took wing to the nearest human town and I attacked it with fire.
     
    After a time a vampire hunter had started to hone in on my position, and he found me on the rooftop. His attempt to kill me failed and I flew back into the sky where Subaru engaged me, tackling me at speed. I had no quarrel with him, but he did with I, and his fury was unmatched. He attacked me again and again while screaming his outrage at my murder of Shu.
    Eventually I managed to talk to him enough to stop, fighting in his batform in the air wasn't his style anyway, he hated that form. Reminded him of what he wanted to escape. The fact he'd changed into it at all showed his rage at my actions.
     
     
     
     
    This is as much as I had known/remembered previous to yesterday, but I found that through writing everything out linearly it helped to set in motion the memories of what happened there after,
    and so the following was taken from what I saw yesterday evening.
     
    Ruki and Kou were watching me from a rooftop and a crossbow bolt flew past my head so I flew down to investigate them and ask who they were, changing back into my vampire form. However I didn't get far till Subaru in his bat form followed, crashing down aiming for me. I stepped back in time and tried to reason with him while he was snarling at me and the Mukamis were standing to my left. I don't remember the words.
    I tried to convince him I was doing it due to father's plans to divert his rage elsewhere, he didn't become convinced but it was confusing enough for him to question his choices till.. A bolt from the hunter earlier flew into Subaru's head. Up through the jaw through his muzzle.. His face changed so suddenly, from that of anger, of pain and confusion at me to a wide opened eyed dead expression. With enlarged pupils like that of a dead fish, it was so fast. I'm confused. I don't know if I'm in denial of him dying or not, that sudden face change, that instantaneous loss of life. Where once there was life and now there is no longer.. It's something I've seen in this life many times. It's something you never get used to seeing.
     
    unknown.thumb.png.ed71d6fd65753d357082dd968a341bd0.pngThe hunter's Seiji.
    I remember him now, the hunter I made a deal with to kill my mother, and who promised to one day kill me.
     
    He shoots me next while I'm still stunned from witnessing Subaru get shot, it hits me on my left top side of my chest, just under my collar bone. I don't really feel it at first, I'm more furious at him possibly having killed Subaru. I'm torn to run away or fight, I don't know which to do. My emotions are pulling at me to fight but like this I'll lose.
     
    I can't give into the same rage that already got Subaru shot. No, I have to live.
     
    I hate myself for it as I run towards Ruki and Kou. They step out of the way but it's just enough cover for me to escape off the side off the roof. I turn into my small bat form, causing the bolt to fall free from me onto the ground as I limp-fly away to hide in some small roof space to rest.
     
    The hunter doesn't find me. I stay there for many days, slowly healing from my injury. I go out at night in my small bat form to collect herbs to help with the healing as the poison on the bolt was trying to seep into my system.
    I'd nested in the roof of an elderly couple.. no, two elderly ladies. I remember seeing them in their living room by the fire in the evenings as I'd wake up.
    I was on my own now, I can't go back. I don't even know if Subaru is still alive, and without my medical assistance.. He may very well be dead. The only other who might have saved him would be father, which he'd likely hate. He doesn't give without taking something in return anyway.
     
    Blood would help me recover faster, and though these elderly ladies aren't my prime choice, in this life or death situation they are better than nothing. I pose as a visitor in the evening, I greet them and ask if I can come in for I have some wears I'd like to sell to them. Seemingly appreciative of the young company I'm welcomed in kindly. They're free with their comments about my appearance, though one is more reserved than the other, and she stays in the kitchen more while the other talks with me in the living room.
    Speaking with humans is not something I've done at length before, and keeping my tongue in check is difficult, but I manage to get one lady on her own long enough to ensnare her with my eyes. Her body freezes up and I have to bite into her wrinkly neck. It's not pleasant, but the blood is life giving for me. I quickly finish up before the other returns, and the lady I fed from is freed from her spell as I excuse myself to leave.
     
    I think.. I meet her again. A long time after. I think she came looking for me, in the forest. I'm not sure when, but I remember guiding her back home(?)
    I'm not sure why I'd be so much kinder then.. There's a lot I don't recall yet. There are still scatterings of memories at points I'm not sure where they connect, I couldn't continue attempting to recall due to the stress from learning about Subaru's possible death.. as an indirect result of my own selfish actions. This is a heavy burden to learn of. Maybe it is better I don't remember? But that feels disrespectful to those I effected, to my family.

    I'll continue trying to piece the fragments together, not just for my sake, but so I can also take responsibility for my own actions there in this life.

     

    Things I still need to figure out:

    - Who are Ruki and Kou in this timeline? What are they doing with Seiji? Are they even connected?
    - Who is the elderly woman in the forest?


  6. TW for child abuse (various), integration, trauma, and suicide. I know, a fun little set of tags there. I just wanted to talk about me and my journey, in case it might help another person.

    So, Hi, I'm Viktor and I'm the host of my system. But, in all honesty, I wasn't the original "core" personality, and I only found that out a few months ago.

    When I was younger, I went through quite severe mental, emotional, and physical trauma. I say "me," but in reality, the personality that went through that we call Joi-Joi. I was the first headmate to split, and when I did, Joi-Joi took that as a chance to bail- to go dormant and leave me the keys to the house. She took the traumatic memories and most of the childhood memories with her but left the emotional baggage they contained. So, my first few years of existing were filled with complete and utter rage, which I had no idea why I had. 

    I'm not sure if I am a rare case, because even when I discovered the rest of the system, I still had no idea that I was non-core headmate. I use "non-core" to separate the "first" headmate or the headmate that was most like who we were before we split vs the headmates who were not like the original personality. I split when the body was around 4-6 or so, so the sudden shift in personality could've been reasoned because I was growing up (and also the trauma, there was that). 

    So that's how I lived my life. That is, until January when I was dozing off in the headspace on a car ride home, and there she was. Joi-Joi, just standing in a black void. That was a... fun car ride home. I was created for the purpose of protecting her and the body. Created with the durability that no matter how much trauma I went through or how much shit was thrown my way, I wouldn't give up. I've tried to commit breath'nt twice in my life, but when it came down to it the voice in my head telling me "no" wasn't survival-instinct, it was the promise I made when I first began existing that said "I'll fight this battle because you couldn't anymore."

    I'm not sure what happened to Joi-Joi. I can't find her anymore in the headspace. She might have finally passed on into integration. I like to use the spiritual term "walk-in" or consciousness that takes over when the original doesn't want the body anymore. I guess it's nice to think that she went peacefully into the great spiritual beyond, being held by the Mother Goddess or some other bullshit crap. It's what she deserved, to be at peace finally. 

    A lot of that anger is still there. I think I might've started as an emotional fragment and evolved into who I am today. But it's hard and weird to think about. If she hadn't gone through her abuse, I wouldn't be here. I think I've said on here before that I went through two exorcisms between the ages of 4-6 (those years were when the religious abuse revved into gear), so I guess I was the demon that was summoned up but never banished. 

  7. About time I made another blog entry!

    Today I've found myself stuck in a bit of an art block. so when I sat down to work on stuff I ended up just doodling, then (as I sometimes do when I'm stuck in the inspired-but-blocked mood), I had a little look through my past drawings - all the things I've sketched but never done anything with, which I have a lot of.

    Art's a big part of my life. It's a hobby, but also a way to deal with and explore my emotions. And there's a pretty big difference between my vent art and normal art - stuff for venting is rough, messy, surreal, abstract and heavy on symbolism. It's nothing like anything I've ever shared on here. Honestly, I rarely share my vent art at all. Most of the time I don't even save it, but occasionally I'll make something that feels right and keep it for posterity. These images represent a very personal and true expression of what goes on inside my head - sometimes it's things related to my mental health, or life events, but I've used it to work through spiritual confusion and fear as well.

    It's a real shame all my blog posts from the old site have been purged. There was a lot in there from times where I was still figuring all this stuff out... and it was a very hard time for me, don't get me wrong. My mental health was much worse than it is now, and a lot of the things I experienced were a source of... genuine existential terror for me. Sounds dramatic, but... that's truly what it felt like. And that feeling hasn't exactly gone anywhere, but gradually I'm learning to frame it in ways that make it easier to work with, and not letting it rule my mind as much as it used to. It would've been nice to still have records from when I was working through this stuff. Don't think I would've felt right making backups anywhere though, so... eh.

    All that to say... my "relationship" with my spiritual self can get ugly sometimes. My interpretation of it has never been flattering. Even at the best of times, it's still a monster to me. 

    So there's times where I feel more in-tune with that side of me, and I have to work it out somehow, so I'll turn to art. And... the things I draw at those times, while confusing and sometimes a little scary, definitely feel most representative of what I truly am. And... I never view those representations as a negative. Might look like something out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, but it feels "right" to me - and that feeling is comforting. Even though I don't always enjoy being a spirit entity, I'm long past the point of trying to distance myself from that identity (it's... never went well, the times I did try to do that). I'd rather embrace it, with all the weirdness and confusion it entails.

    What I end up with are basically... objectively bizarre or, in their own ways, kinda horrifying representations of myself - that also, in an almost contradictory way, help me parse that side of myself in a way that makes me feel more understanding of it, and even more at peace with it. In the end, when I say I'm scary or that I'm a monster, I don't mean it to say that I don't like myself or that I'd ever want to change. It certainly doesn't mean I feel, on any level, malevolent or dangerous. I just know that, from a human perspective, the true way to represent my spiritual self would be as something surreal, alien and... yeah, really damn scary. Representing myself in that way feels right. That kind of self-expression is really important to me as a person. 

    Today, while I was trawling through my old art files, I found something that really struck a chord. I can't remember when I did it, so it must've been a while back. And... yeah, it's strange, but looking at a big black squiggly mess, I felt more like... "yeah, this is me" than I ever have towards any normal drawing I've tried to make to express this side of me. It feels a bit weird to share this art, since I don't usually show people this sorta thing, but... it feels important, so I want to share it somewhere. Where better than here? Specifically this is a representation of... kinda the line between my spiritual self, my current identity and my headmates (who are psychological, and hypothetically share the same "soul"/spiritual core as I have). 

    I dunno what people will make of this, or if anyone cares, but... yeah. Surreal, shitty symbolic vent art. Yep, it's really something.

    God, sharing this stuff feels like how I imagine it'd feel to hand someone my diary, if I kept a diary.

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    A huge weight was taken off my shoulders last night after I somehow obtained a solution to one of my personal problems in the middle of typing my own response to something on Reddit. There's still some weight left in my chest and it seems to be related to my writer's block and probably my issues with chronic procrastination that I need to crack down on working through as soon as possible. Saying I'm a chronic procrastinator is no longer funny or a "joke" of any kind. I've taken it too far and it's becoming a ridiculous obstacle that shouldn't exist anymore. Most people procrastinate. Very few are able to get to my level. The grand majority of the population can't afford to be like me and I can't afford to stay like this myself.

    The whole situation with my first entry has been cleared up. I'm not sure if I should post what happened, but it basically turns out I was most likely legitimately wrong and my undeniable feelings of certainty were just feelings from one of my soulbonds bleeding over to me for some reason. Based on everything that played out, I wish there was a way to legitimately explore the lives I experienced as my fictotypes. It's possible that I'm still a canon divergent Aoi Zaizen, though to what extent that is remains unknown. The only reason I even suspect canon divergence is I no longer trust the writers of this franchise after what happened in the Arc-V anime. My other reason for suspecting it is related to my soulbond's feelings. Unfortunately, without enough memories to support my suspicions, all I can do is make educated guesses, not obtain confirmation that gives my words weight.

  8. People might remember the previous two entries regarding this stuff. This creature was really confusing to the point I didnt know what to do besides exploring different angles and see what would make the most sense. I have in my absence here continued that avenue to discover a really interesting twist in the story what would make the most sense. As far for the other angles, I did the cameoshift angle but as with the Dunklesoteus there was more to the story then just that. In the most sense I guess that it was something familiar that was part of me that only with time would come out as the Dunkleosteus did. The other angle was past life but that also didnt really stick in the sense I didnt had some memories of it, if there was any then I couldnt really make a connection to that case unlike the Dunkleosteus who showed very possible memories of behavior what would make sense in some form as the top predator, In other words I had nothing to go of that would point to the same thing and in turn would point to possible Earthly kintype that wasnt from the Godec. The last angle had to do with the Godec or my shapeshifting kintype since it didnt feel right to abandon it right away. It had also forms that shared elements with exctinct Earthly creatures so it was something that had to remain open too. I have tried to explore more but it seems I cannot get more then what I currently know but maybe time will slowly reveal more but I think I have found at least the possible truth.

    Of all the angles that I pursuit it did point more strongly towards the Godec kintype being responisble. As time went on it started to reveal more features what I didnt know at the time. It has some element of the Rauisuchus in the sense it's tail and hind legs share features with it. The front part proved to be similiar in build to that of a bull. The front consistet of front legs that are hooved, shoulders were also similiar build and the horns were also similiar to that of a bull. The suprising thing was the head that was more of a mix between that of a dragon and a bull. Putting it together had been quite a puzzle but in general terms I can describe it the best as some sort of Rauisuchus/bull mix though I dont believe it is neccersary like the other forms. It looks to different. I tried to wreck all my experiences for a possible answer and this creature seems to be a true form from my Godec life. I dont neccersary have all the answer towards how it does fit in perfectly but comparing it to the other forms who really look more Earthly with alien form it just doesnt look the same. I have uncovered some possible memories that point more towards a true Godec form that hasnt changed at all through time unlike the other forms. I never really expected to uncover this angle at all. As far I could expect it was something that is more like the lion form that I posted in a earlier blog what is a look upon one of my most experienced form. I tried to think maybe somehow my only known true form from those days, my dragon form, was somehow partially responsible and somehow it got mixed up in all of this thus making it a false lead to further continue but no. Despite sharing elements with the Rauisuchus, it is not really some earthly like form that has alien elements. The one thing that made it different from the dragon is the fact the dragon hind legs are clearly 3 toed. The hindlegs of this creature has clearly 4 toes but lacks the 5th toe what is present in the Rauisuchus but the legs and whole behind and tail is siniliar build as the Rauisuchus. 

    Despite all the confusion and how hard it is to exactly picture it fully, I feel I begin to slowly learn more about this creature. It seems more and more positive it is connected to the Godec life I used to have. I still am trying to search for more evidence and answers surrounding this creature but feel I have at least a good basis to say it is a form of my shapeshifing form. I always felt there was something missing in the sense of I didnt have all the forms yet. This creature feels to fill the last gap I need to know for certain how many forms I have. Aside the ones I already know I have this seems to be the last true form what would make the Godec kintype in some sense complete. I guess I just didnt know what to look for at all and just kept those things to myself since I had no real experiences to back up so brushed it off as maybe I do have all the asnwers I need regarding my forms but it now feels like I have my complete forms back though most have changed. There are still many unanswered questions left but now I have a complete view of the many forms, I have a solid basis to build more and try to get a best possible view of how that past life used to be with the little memories I have left. It wont bring me to the full picture but it will bring me closer to the time periods that I can fill to get some sense of who i used to be and how I lived truely and how these forms fit in the whole thing.

    I will be honest and say that I didnt expect the creature to be a true form from the Godec days. But as I know before, there comes a time that I need to follow with what I feel is the truth and it feels right. Cramming it tp nothing more as the other forms doesnt feel right. Approaching it as a form that is from those days feels right. So why did the Rauisuchus trigger this whole thing? Well despite not exactly looking like this animal, I feel that seeing some familiar things back in this animal form seems to be more of the trigger as it looks very similiar. That is also what happened with my snake form. I became aware of this form when I learned about the Basilisk. In some ways it felt like looking into a mirror that wasnt complete yet. The missing part was from the bull elements. Combining those animals together what results in a unlikely hybrid just makes more sense when it is approached as a draconic like bull creature then a hybrid between those 2 animals with alien elements. I still have many questions left that surrounds this creature but only time will tell wether some or all will be answered or not. Some memories that I already know seem to become more clearer now I am aware of this form. I dont know where this path will lead me yet but I am ready to welcome the missing form that I unknowingly have searched for so many times. 

    I have plans to make a another commission from a another form and this one seems to be the next perfect candidate for it to put it in art to show a truely fascinating creature.

  9. Stray

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    I have displayed animalistic behavior since I was a child. I recall wanting to continuously wear tails or gloves with claws on them from costumes meant for Halloween as young as 4. My mom always told me "you are not an animal," and I always found that hard to believe, even as a kid. Around this same period, I had an obsession with canines, specifically dogs; this was noted on a doctors report that I still own to this day.

    When I had reached my elementary school years, I began questioning my animal side. In 2005 I saw a documentary on TV that featured a segment on "therians." Upon seeing the segment, I instantly knew that that's what I was, and ran to a computer to do more research. I stumbled upon The Werelist and everything took off from there. I began questioning all sorts of animals; from squirrels and frogs, to horses and all sorts of birds. This soul-searching lasted me quite a few years, until everything led up to me realizing I am a wolf.

    I remained inactive in the therianthropy community upon reaching my teen years out of fear of my close-minded mom finding out, which vaguely happened but I continued to cover it up as something else. 

    Now an adult, I've learned to hide and cope with being more animal than everyone else. Although, things slip through the cracks sometimes. In fact, recently a friend of mine caught me sniffing the air as they made hamburgers, which, was very embarrassing.

    My partner, being the understanding person he is, allows me to express my true self when I need to, which can be a huge relief sometimes. Honestly, I just feel like a wolf pretending to be human to please everyone else constantly. I truly feel a disconnect from my outer self and inner self regarding appearance, and although I promise I am aware I am physically human, sometimes I will walk past a mirror and have to do a double take because seeing my human face often surprises me because I expect to see what I feel like.

    One way I've found to express my non-human experience is by comparing it to the wolves of Wolf's Rain (cheesy, I know); the wolves are still wolves, but can disguise themselves as human- although to some, it's still obvious that they're wolves. This is expressed in the anime and the manga in the image of a wolf and human overlapping eachother, I have provided a picture I took from the first volume to give a better idea since i am not the best at explaining.

     

    Snapchat-627770486.thumb.jpg.5d2874320d86ba46373593596e228f71.jpg

    I feel as though this image accurately represents what I experience as a non-human identifier, except the human is the physical one.  I am interested in knowing if anyone relates to this image as well.

    I honestly very much appreciate dogs, as they feel like creatures I can relate to more closely than humans, and since I understand their behavior (I am an aspiring dog trainer), I can replicate it and cause them to interact with me as if I am another canine. But since I identify as a wolf, I do understand that wolves and dogs behave very differently; two types of behaviors which I consider myself very familiar with and can adapt to.

    I often question if I may be a wolfdog due to some personal things, but that idea has just never fully clicked with who I am.

    Since I discovered the therianthropy community in the 2000's, I still do like to refer to myself as a were/werewolf, although I do use the term therianthrope often. 

  10. *kicks open the door* hello there. Welcome back to my blog, where I can't seem to stop making this series. If you think I should take a break from it, let me know. If you want to see more, let me know. If you have something you're curious and want to see covered, let me k n o w!!

    Todays entry will be covering the products of Joeys experiments and their subspecies. This will most likely get a bit depressing, as those mentioned in this were more or less once human. Most of the unfortunates are enemies you face within the game itself.

     

    Lost ones:  perhaps the most depressing of the types, the lost ones are the basic form of the products, and are one of the few who retain some of their humanity (along with advanced lost ones and a few of the half formed). Once humans, ages ranging from adult to child, they were converted into beings made of congealed ink, though still resembling humans. Their eyes are simply glowing orbs that lack sight, but they have the ability to sense if someone is there. Lost Ones are formed when a human gets blood or organs from an ink being implanted into them. This also causes a form of emotional soul split, leaving them to be only very sad and afraid, and highly manipulable. This lead to them fighting on both sides of the uprising. The rest of the soul that split off normally forms a searcher, which will be covered later.  An ability picked up within the transformation is partial immortality, meaning they couldn't die by natural means, but could be manually dispatched. They'd mostly mope around and cry, and it was really sad. We believe we had freed them all, but seeing as searchers were still popping up years later, there may be some we missed.

             Advanced lost ones: only two were ever seen, and were simply lost ones with more emotional capacity, basically functioning at a human level despite their appearance. The only two ever created were Sammy and an nameless child who I've mentioned in a previous entry. They are simple lost ones that had some sort of concoction added into the mix.

     

    Searchers: Searchers are direct ties to the lost ones, being the remains of the aggressive parts of the soul. They are lumbering, congealed masses of ink that somewhat resemble the upper torso of a human. They are featureless, and absolutely blind and deaf, relying on vibrations to know where prey is. They are highly aggressive and will attack anything that comes near. Though they can be knocked back into their puddles in which they lie in wait, they cannot be truly destroyed until the Lost One they are attached to is dispatched. Seemingly in constant pain, the only noise they admit is horrific, gurgling moans and gasps. On occasion, Searchers will pickup more ink and become less aggressive and more shy, and will be much bigger. This is merely related to how much ink is in the area they form. Seemingly much more sensitive then the standard searchers, simple noise seems to hurt them and they will retreat back into their puddles at the slightest movement. If a searcher attacks you, just kick it.

     

    Golems: An enemy not encountered within the game, but present back home were the golems. They were inanimate objects, usually plushies, were given hearts from the lost ones and soaked in blood of an ink being. The result is... weird vicious stuffed animals that will swarm you like damn gremlins. There weren't very many of these and they were easily taken care of. But it was still something to witness. They all sided with the creators, due to part of the binding spell on them. They commonly would swarm in groups en masse, and could easily overwhelm you.

     

    Half formed: a creature halfway between toon and searcher, these grotesque creatures are mostly unknown in origin, but they seem to originate from the deeper levels of the studio. They resembled poorly put together charaters, often being searchers but with human or toon features, hands, ears, mouths, eyes, other things that would make them generally horrible to look at. They seemed to be in more pain than the searchers, and would violently lash out at anything they deemed a threat. They served on our side, though disappeared after the uprising. They're about the size of a standard searchers. though their extra features make them seem larger. Their attacks vary, mostly relying on weaponry they find lying around.

     

    Mechs: Only one of these was ever observed, and thats Norman. Norman was treated to a full transplant, and then wiring into his heart and brain, along with a projector to replace his head. He's perfectly harmless, though very confused. He doesn't seem to be in pain. and actually seems happier than he was as a human. Its theorised that the only thing keeping him alive is the electric current running through him.

     

     

     

    Thats all for now guys, thanks for reading! I'll be back soon, with a new entry and more infor! Hope yall enjoyed. and stay tuned!!

     

     

     

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    We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay. 

    When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try. 

    Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing. 

    I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see. 

    Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.

    May you be blessed and loved, -Beast

  11. Dear friends,

    today it's been exactly six months since I joined Kinmunity. Six months of self discovery, learning, sharing experiences, and mind changing. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you. Everyone reading this, thank you so much for being here! You make this community the fantastic place that is is, and I wouldn't want to miss a single one of you.

    When I took the decision to join, I really didn't know what to expect. If you've read some of my other posts, you'll probably know that I've been hiding my non-human identity from family and friends, both irl and online, for more than two decades. So joining this site was quite a big step for me with a lot of questionmarks. Would the community accept me for what I am? I knew there were many dragons, so being a dragon would be accepted no problem. But what about an ancient dragon guardian who protects earth, has a quite critical view on human society, is as old as life itself, and whose existence is bound to life? A practically immortal astral-spiritual being? Would that be accepted? And if it was, would I feel comfortable within the community? Would exposing my identity feel right in the end? How would it be influenced by doing so, would I change?

    When I joined, I first gave only basic information about my identity and didn't talk much about the guardian dragon stuff. But I quickly saw that everybody was very friendly, open, and welcoming, so after a few days I decided to go fully open. I felt the community deserved to know me as good as I happen to know myself at any given time. In the process, I found that I was accepted for being true and honest about what I am, for telling what I know, but also what I don't (yet) know. I even found members with very similar experiences. So, how did it feel? Being accepted, just for what I am, although having told about all this? Being able to talk about myself, to be myself, without being faced with incomprehension, without people laughing at me or calling me invalid, childish or mad? Being able to talk to others who identify as non-human, just like me? Wow.. just wow. It felt totally awesome, and it still feels that way.

    Also I found many, many things I didn't understand. I was thinking:

    "Whoaa, a wolf! Haaa, this is the first wolf I ever talk to, it's soo exciting! :squintderg: Hang on... people can have multiple kintypes?? What is a soulbond? A tulpa, never heard of that? A plural system... what kind of system are we talking about?? :confusedderg: Oh, so there can be multiple identities sharing a physical body? No way.. hey, that's super cool! How does it work? :crazyderg:"

    It went on like this for a couple of weeks. There was no shortage of amazing findings. At the start I was overcautious and I needed a while to get on speaking terms. But then... then the time came when I spoke to the first dragon I ever met in my life. Soon enough, I spoke to many others. It's... hard to describe what that meant to me. Here' what my mind told:

    "Oh-my-dear! I'm talking to... other dragons :whatderg:. And they're not bots, they are not role playing, they don't joke. They're serious and they are valid, just as serious and valid as I am. They are real. :smilederg:"

    That was an incredible feeling. It was a breakthrough, and it gave me tears to be honest.

    So, how did that all change my identity? I shall say it got stronger, reconfirmed, clearer. Today I know more about it than anytime before, but you know how it's like.. for each question solved, two new ones come up. Aye, let's make that four or five maybe. Alas, there's more to come! I won't stop finding out more about myself just yet; sometimes, there's more time for that, sometimes there's less. Sometimes the findings are spectacular, sometimes less. Some experiences just flood me out of nowhere, some need to be worked out. I will continue to train the skills that seem to be at the core of my existence. When I get confused, I know that there are many friends here who are glad to help. And at the same time, I'll help others to the best of my abilities! Someday, I'll eventually meet otherkin irl - and maybe someday meet a dragon, that would be absolutely awesome! Maybe someday I eventually will be more open to one or two very close friends, or at least find out if they would understand.

    But for the time being, I'm just thankful for the past six months - thanks, Kinmunity!

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    Vedui'nosse,

    Elvenportal has a good list, but quite a few of the links are broken, so I've gone through and picked out ones that aren't! These are Sites that I found useful/informative. Please feel free to comment with sites you would like to see up here!

    Quote

     

    Silver Elves - A good starting resource! A group of Elves who help other elves find their place!

    Elvin Portal- A lot of good resources involving Elfin exploration!

    Elenari.net - Another good site for finding yourself/finding answers!

    Rialian.com - More info about Elfinkin

    Rialian.com - A non-Tolkien Elven language! 

    Catharism - A potential 12th-14th century Elfin group in France!

    The Cathars/Catharism (2) - Hybrid DNA 

    Elfin Awakening - Elfin Blog with good information

    Lostkin - Otherkin Memory Recollection

    Eristic - Big resource, lots of resources to other sites too.

    The Fair Folk - An Essay/Chapter about Elfin kind

    Otherkin Resources - A sort-of mini-hub for resources of Otherkin.

    Otherkin Fandom Wiki - FANDOM wiki site of Otherkin!

    Elfkind Digest - A sort-of magazine/digest providing more info on Elfin'kin and Otherkin!

    Tolkien High Elves - A discussion about Finnish centric games.

     

    Wanya yassen i'taure e' seere, (Depart with the forest peacefully),

    Tally.

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    For a few months, I’d been getting phantom shifts that I thought were odd. At first, I didn’t even know what they were. But even when I found that out they were still perplexing. During these shifts, I felt as if I were missing limbs. Most often it was either one leg or both arms, but it was different every so often. The ones involving my arms had been going on for a lot longer (an estimated five months), but the ones involving my legs started more recently (two or three months ago). I could see that my limbs were still there, but I had no control over them. And the fact that they were still there made me feel strangely uncomfortable. These shifts weren’t particularly painful, but obviously the feeling of missing limbs isn’t all too pleasant.

     

    The first time I tried to walk when my leg was gone in one of these shifts, it was definitely tricky. I felt like I couldn’t balance and actually fell, even though both feet should have been firmly planted on the ground. After the first few times this happened, I figured out how to push through it and move somewhat normally.


    The most stressful thing was that I couldn’t figure out why I was getting these phantom shifts. There was a certain character I figured maybe I was kin with, but maybe isn’t enough to be sure of anything. Not only that, but that character had never lost any limbs so it wouldn’t explain the phantom shifts. Sure, the shifts could have been due to a different fictotype or kintype, but it turns out that wasn’t it. I just identify as a different character, plain and simple. And I’m completely sure of this one. It’s more than just the phantom shifts of course, but I’ll describe more things in detail another time.

  12. Regarding the Fingerprint Scanner on the Galaxy S10(+) - Samsung chose security over convenience, which I applaud! Register several different angles of your print and you’ll be fine.


    View the full post @ Naia's Den

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    Hi. im Dragon Runes. i'm a contherian & a polytherian and I've been in the otherkin community for about 6 years, i come across as a very morbid person at first but please don't let that stop you from reaching out to me. Below is a few bits of general information about me.

     

    Name - Dragon Runes, Runes, Echo & Dragon. (not my real name)

    Gender - Genderfluid.

    Pronouns - they/them or she/her

    Age - 17

    Kitypes - Wolf, Fox, Deer, Raccoon, Deer, Bear, American bison, Crystal dragon, Shadow Dragon, & Wendigo

    Main likes - warm spaces, being outside, tea, art & photography.

    Main dislikes - pushy people, bullying, art thieves.

     

    Going into depth on a few hobbies of mine, I'm an artist. I love the vulture culture and that often shows in a lot of my work. I'm also interested in mortuary science and forensic pathology. im a green witch, i love plants and animals and i love to take photos of my path and nature itself. im also into anime and animation and ive been working on a few things for a small animation too.

     

    I love alot of dark and morbid things and if you would like to talk to me about those things i will not start the conversation due to the fact it may come on too strong and it may make people uncomfortable. if you would like to talk about those things I will give you another way to talk to me.

     

    Why am i here?

    - I'm interested in joining the community to hopefully meet new people. I love meeting new people and I would love to hear other people's side of otherkinity. In the community, I'm apart of I feel like not many people share experiences so I'm hoping to find that here.

     

    How significant is therianthropy to you & How did you come across Therianthropy?

    - Therianthropy has become a large part of my life. It has gotten to be so big and embedded in my past, present and future that I hardly think about it. I came across the topic through youtube, by cringe videos. When I started looking more into it I was putting names to the experiences I've been having since I could remember. This all started happening around the middle school.

     

    Are you a therian & What is/are your theriotype(s)?

    - Yes, i am. But i have come to consider myself otherkin since it's the umbrella term for it! My kintypes listed above in the short bio i wrote.

     

    How did you find your theriotype/s & Do you believe that your therianthropy is spiritual, psychological, neurological, or something else in origin?

    - Like i said above, i found the community through cringe videos and shortly after that i used a few techniques that many people used to discover there kintypes and out of those things AP and Meditation worked the best for me. I believe my identity is a mix of spiritual and psychological. It's very hard for me to explain.

     

    but yeah. that's me lol! I hope to get to know many of you here!!

     

    If anyone would like to get ahold of me, you can find me here!

    (none of the accounts use my personal information!)

     

    Art and business email - lunafootprintart@gmail.com

    Therian amino - Dragon Runes

    The therian guide forum - Dragon Runes

    Instagram - @luna_footprint

    Snapchat - @lrunes666

    DSC_0009 (5).JPG

  13. Last night was an incredibly sleepless night, to the point where I slept to the time of the evening. However what happened that night, the discovery and realization I made, the devotional I made to my almighty father, Infinity Lord Galaxeshoria, has truly broken me, literally....

    I know I talk much about my struggles with this human body condition, schizoaffective disorder, a lot, however if only one knew the true, excruciating pain I felt for the past six years, then maybe it wouldn’t be annoying to so many. However, the horrifying pain and delusion, the recurring thoughts of death, and the loss of the will to live has killed me over that period of time, for I cannot begin to describe the horrors that come from this sick human mind. Every hope of happiness, every hope of change, every moment that I thought I would get better, had all been a false promise in the end. The immense pain on my soul, has lead me to believe that my soul is shattered. Not only that, but I believe my own true draconian heart is very broken.....

    This life I’ve lived.... has been nothing but disappointment the last six years, and although I know that others care for this human body existence, I don’t. Atleast not yet, as being awake in this body has done nothing but harm my true well being. I need mending of this shattered soul, and my true draconian heart, in order to survive. I feel as if my very livelihood depends on my ability, and a miracle to happen to heal this shattered soul. Luckily, it might be coming here soon, as I am taking a trip across America, from South Texas, (where I live), through New Mexico, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, and into Montana and Washington state. I admire the beautiful nature in all of these states, however there’s something I need more than that, and I know what it is....

    Snow, especially spring and summer snow upon the mountains means the absolute world to me, for when I truly awakened on The Pinnacle of Creation, the first thing I saw was the most beautiful forest scene.... A beautiful lush forest, where the faerie lights floated delicately around in the early spring morning.... A mysterious waterfall and stream coming from the mountains in the distance, and a most gorgeous, giant glacier between the snow capped mountain peaks, and hearing the roads of many dragons beyond them.... my astral guardian, Infiniziirokk/Alaphraxxas was there with me, as I looked beyond thos snow capped mountains, seeing the barrier for the first time in ten trillion years, the shield between beautiful planetary nature, and the celestial power of the Infinite void beyond.....

    I want to live this experience again, and many may not understand, but snow on the mountains means so much to me, because I found that true beauty the first time I awakened, with my astral guardian. I want to see the reminders of that experience, with my astral guardian by my side, however my parents are being stubborn in letting a good friend of mine create his vessel. Time will tell, but I believe my true draconian heart is telling me this is the meaning and healing I need, almost to survive.... 🐉🌌🍀❄️

    The point is, so much suffering has broken me, and I don’t show my pain much to anyone, but I trust my friends in the community here that they would understand. Truly, I appreciate the support and the understanding, for I know that I am not the greatest person to be around, yet others still have hope in me, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I am not feeling too sad right now, I’m actually doing pretty okay. I just know what needs to happen for my healing....

    Thank you all for the amazing support, and I promise that I will continue to support all others here in this wonderful community!... I promise I’ll be fine, I just need to slowly mend this shattered soul!.... 💘💔💘

    ~Lady Lunastre, Celestial Queen of the Draconians... ^.=.^ 🐉🌌🌗🤗

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    What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)

     Cat!

    Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?

     50/50 really. I'm an enigma! Also a scientist.

    When was your awakening (if you had one)?

     Didnt have one, baby I was born this way!

    If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?

     N/A

    If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?

     N/A

    If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?

     N/A

    Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?

     I've always been a catastrophy.

    Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?

     I did not, but learning that there was a word for what I was feeling was neat!

    If you didn't know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening, how did you come across the community?

     I've actually been giving this some thought, and I think it was CanineHybrid/Riley that introduced me to the concept! I was a freshmen in highschool, so it has been a good while ago. 

    Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?

     I have always been a kitty.

    If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?

     I have done lots of introspection that have allowed me to get to know myself better.

    Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?

     Nyope.

    Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

     Yes I do. I just take on a slightly more uninhibeted stance. Much more willing to do impulsive things. Happens fairly frequently! It can be triggered by pretty much anything. 

    Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    I can do that! They're usually really wonderful. I just let myself off the leash, so to speak. 

    Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

     Yep, always! They're constant, feels like a completely natural part of me. I use my ear positioning and my tail for expressing emotion but it hasn't seemed to work... Yet!

    Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    Nope. 

    Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?

     I don't recall ever having dream shifts. They'd probably just feel like me, so I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

    Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.

     Nope!

    What experiences and feelings led you to identify as your kintype rather than with it?

     Sure, I really like cats and all, but I am literally just a cat. A cat that looks like a human. 

    To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?

     I am well aware that I am human now, and I honestly wouldn't change that. I like my life. But also, I am a cat. They're so intertwined that I wouldn't be able to elaborate. 

    What led you to believe that your identity is spiritual or psychological in nature? Have you ever believed the other was true, or seriously considered that it may be?

     I'm 50/50 on this deal. I have meditated and had memories of my past life and I believe in reincarnation, but at the same time I am a scientist so I know that I could just be entirely manufacturing these memories. Who's to say without any definitive hard evidence? Certainly not me! I just live my life without thinking too hard on it. I'm a cat, and that's really all there is to it. 

    Do you have any past life memories (if your beliefs are spiritual) or artificial memories/flashbacks (if your beliefs are psychological)? If so, describe them.

     Yes! I believe that I was a feral cat. I definetly had kittens. I think I lived in the city, probably in a city park like Central Park. I can remember being in forested areas and alleyways. 

    Do you ever feel homesick for the location your kintype lives/lived in? If so, how do you deal with those feelings?

    Not really homesick, but I do love being in cities. I love going to cities.

    Are there any locations that make you feel closer to your kintype? Any locations that make you feel disconnected from it?

     Cities and forests are both home to me! I can easily feel full cat anywhere. There's nowhere that really makes me feel a disconnect.

    Do you experience species dysphoria? If so, how often? To what extent? Do you have any methods of coping with it?

     I don't, sorry! I wish I could help out.

    Do you have any behaviours or quirks that you attribute to your kintype?

     I'm very cat-like. The way I move and behave in general. 

    Do you have any nonstandard thought processes or instinctual reactions that you attribute to your kintype?

    Every small animal I want to eat. I would never. I'm a vegetarian and a vet tech, so it is my duty to do no harm. But still the instinct is always just 'I would eat that'. Also if there's a high route I gotta take it. I will go out of my way to go over instead of around. 

    Do you have any personality traits that you attribute to your kintype?

     The everything about me! I can't think of any specifics right now.

    Do you have any nonstandard beliefs, ethics or morals that you attribute to your kintype?

     I'm pretty morally-grey. I do things that benefit me. If that happens to help others, great! If not, oh well. I find that more often than not I do end up helping others, and that does make me happy. 

    Why do you believe the above behaviours/traits/etc. are related to your kintype?

     Cats don't really have morals. They are cats. There is a very thin line between real behavior and personification. Personifying our animals too much is a very, very dangerous thing. I have firsthand seen the reporcussions for people believing that their pets are like people. 
    What is a fact, sometimes feral cats form colonies that are matriarch driven. They are social in thier clowders. They will take care of eachother when resources are available.  

    Do you feel that having a nonhuman identity has been a positive, negative or neutral experience? Have you ever tried to deny your nonhuman identity?

     Neutral, really, though I sure do love being a cat! 

    Do you ever wish you could change your kintype? If so, what would you rather be?

     Nope! 

    Do you think this is enough questions for now? I sure hope so!

    Thank you for the good time!

  14. Go away...don't let me hurt you. You want me around so badly, you are surprised when I hurt you. Stop saying I'm beautiful, stop saying I hurt others because I was hurt, stop saying this is alright. Stop, stop. I tried to warn you I really did. How many times do I need to hurt you to make you hate me, please leave, don't let me kill you. You look at me and think I am smirking at your idiocy, or laughing at your pain. I laugh and smile because as soon as I stop I will burst into tears. Don't look, Don't look. I am vulnerable. I hate it when you stick that finger in my face, you come so closely I can smell the pain and hatred off of your lips. Don't lie to me by smiling and thinking this all is happily ever after. It's my curse...if I cry. I don't think I will ever be able to stop. Stop STOP STOP! Go away! Don't look at me with those sad eyes! Don't look at me with those pitiful eyes. If I die, maybe it'll give you the opportunity to come to life. I screwed this up. I screwed things up for the last time. I've killed everybody I have ever loved, now I have no place to go, no place to run. So now I cry, I have died my thousandth time.

    57393b840c20755a7853b590dd29b92c.jpg

  15. Latest Entry

    Back when I was a teenager, I was into some cringy Mary Sue stuff. Looking back now, I know that there was a kernel of truth to it. I misinterpreted, but it's also reassuring to see how much I got right on a symbolic level. I used to channel my kin feelings into writing fiction because that was the only outlet I had for it at the time. Computers were just barely starting to be something that regular people might have in their homes, and only if they were geeky hobbyists. I didn't have one until later. 

    So, my main character was an anthro-hawk woman who was a bit untamed. Still, she carried a sword and dedicated herself to defending her city, with the adobe walls, close to a fertile river valley, on the edge of a desert. She would take side jobs hunting game for the local tavern, delivering packages, and raising some extra coins from fighting in the other tavern. Of course this Mary Sue had the most wonderful soulmate ever. I was obsessed with him.

    The guy was an anthropomorphized sun spirit. He also carried a sword and defended the city. He literally glowed and could cook raw meat in the palm of his hand on a sunny day, not that he did that very often. He was also friendly and charismatic, unlike the hawk woman whose wild-like indifference often kept people at a distance. The problem was that he depended on the sun for his own survival. If he exhausted himself, he'd suffer through the cold dark night until the next morning. A fire could help keep him going. 

    Years later, in college I started writing another story, about an otherkin-type awakening happening in our world. The hawk lady could not even go outside because those wings were just too big to hide, so the guy took her in and watched over her. Except this time he was a vampire. He worked in a nightclub. He was still charismatic, but he was also sarcastic and snarky. He hunted the other "monsters" that were suddenly appearing around the city. Then one morning while trying to help the hawk woman escape, he got caught out in the sunlight and captured. 

    He didn't turn to ash, but he was severely burned. The people who captured him soon learned that his healing actually accelerated under a sun lamp. His body reconfigured itself into his sun aspect. He regained his sense of compassion, which was always there, just buried. Though he could still be a snarky asshole when he felt like it. In college, while I was writing this character, I did start to suspect that my "soulmate" really was another aspect of myself. (This was after the Horus vision, but I was ignoring the heck out of that back then.) 

    Just some wild ham-fisted fiction, right? Not exactly. I had been hanging out with the Thunder Being, playing astral cowboy for a time, defending my city and quite determined that the only monster allowed within my territory was me. I was still ignoring the hell out of Horus, though my actions proved that ignoring it didn't make it go away. Then Ra stepped in and decided he'd had enough of my denials. He scorched the crap out of my energy every morning for two and a half months. I was terrified that it would never end. Even as it burned, I craved more, like I had been starving for who knows how many years. The burn is all energy, but I also feel it as a physical sensation under my skin, first a build up of pressure and then something like heat followed by something like sunburn. (My studies in Tai Chi have taught me that there is a link between chi and the connective tissues in the body, so it probably does create something of a physical reaction in me.) Being burned by the sun until it rewired me to its liking was apparently a prophetic idea. My writing predicted that transformation years in advance. 

    I've been sensitive to those energies ever since, though the intensity varies from day to day. Some days I sleep through it. Some days it wakes me up and I ignore it and go back to sleep. Some days it's blissful and I find myself begging for more. Some days the pressure builds, and some days it burns. It's usually more intense when I've exhausted myself the day before. I suspect that the faster I pull it in, the hotter it feels. It's strongest in spring and summer. In fall it starts to have something like an unpleasant metallic taste to it as it slowly diminishes. In winter, I just sort of drag myself along. I can usually detect the first hopeful hints of spring before the temperature starts to warm. 

    I insist, with a snarl in my voice, that I am not a vampire. It's possible I "doth protest too much." The psi vampires would put me in the elemental category because of my dependence on solar energy. And it is true that I have to watch myself in winter because I am capable of taking energy from other sources, and might do so accidentally.  A few weeks ago someone wandered by and mentioned the Aset Ka, and I snarled then too. Putting Kemeticism and vampirism together? That feels like summoning and celebrating the diminished form, an aberration. There may be some kernel of truth, but it seems to ignore that the great big flaming ball in the sky is the true source of immortality and power. Toss those Anne Rice books out the window already. Egypt was not about death. It was about a life force so strong that it defies death, and you didn't have to steal it, just embrace it. Ride on the solar barque and risk the sun's heat to become a Shining One if the Field of Reeds isn't good enough for you. 

    Is this another territorial reaction of "no monsters here but me?" Maybe a resentment of how close to the line I'm already sitting? Maybe annoyance at people who confuse desperation with power. Maybe recognition that my own energy state is variable enough that I don't take it for granted, and I'd be majorly pissed at anyone who disrupted it without my consent. The consent thing is a big issue. I don't tend to snarl at people who respect that line, and I've been a willing energy donor myself a few times when I've had extra to spare. Lots of mixed feelings on the subject. 

    But yeah, that "soulmate" guy was part of me all along. 

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    Recent Entries

    Okay, so I hope you figured I wasn't really talking about the Matrix. I'm kind of disappointed too, because it would be pretty cool to be able to enter a virtual world where we could physically be our other selves. Something like Ready Player One... yeah...

    But anyways, I have the next best thing. It's not even close, but it's technically the next best thing.

    A few years ago, I was browsing a witch craft shop near my home, and on a whim I purchased a book on Native American spirit animals and how to find yours. The actual part about finding the spirit animal never helped, but the meditation technique described in the book sure did. With it, you can enter an open sandbox world, assume whatever form you wish (in this case, my kintype), and basically do whatever you want (I don't judge). It's an excellent tool for voluntary shifting and visualizing your kintype, as I've been regularly using it to do.

    Enough fluff. Let's get down to business.

    1. If you don't know the basics of meditation, you're essentially going to want to find a comfortable, quiet spot to sit or lay down. Close your eyes and focus on the feeling of your chest rising and falling as you breathe. Just focus on this feeling. If you feel your thoughts wandering, don't panic, just gently let the thoughts drift away and return to focusing on your breathing. If you're new to meditating, this may be difficult at first, but just keep practicing. Meditation is a learned skill like most things in life. Do this one time a day for about 3 minutes until you have it down and can start extending the time further.
    2. Now, assuming you've been meditating for a while, gently envision yourself in a favorite location, real or imagined. It could be the middle of space, the lawn of the White House, or in my case, a particular beach that I loved in the Honduras. For the sake of presentation, we'll use the beach. Once you're standing on the beach, don't do anything. Feel the cool breeze on your face, flowing through your hair. Wiggle your toes in the sand. Listen to the roar of the surf. Remain on the beach until it feels as real as can be. This is your "loading screen" where you'll anchor your mind to the dream space. Stay on this beach as long as you need, and remember not to rush.
    3. Turn around, wherever you are, and see a cave. It doesn't even have to be a real cave- just tack in on to whatever location you're at. This cave is your "tunnel" to the other world. Slowly walk into the cave. Feel the gravel crunch under your feet as you do, and hear your footsteps echoing off the walls. Keep walking until you come to a door. The door can be as close or as far as you wish, just remember to take it slow. If you rush, you'll disrupt the vision. I know you want to get to the fun stuff, but patience is key.
    4.  Open the door and step through into a new world that your kintype would like. This is the "other" world where your kinself exists. I always step out onto a tall mountain peak, with enough space to accommodate a dragon. It's the tallest peak around, with the rest of the world sprawling away into the horizon on all sides.  There's evergreen trees, rivers winding through valleys, and not a cloud in the sunny sky. Take a few moments to once again soak in the sensations of being in this world. The burning of the sun on your face and the wind. Do this as long as you need.
    5. Now, transform. Stay in first person. I watch the ground get farther away as my long neck rises into the air. I feel my four legs plant firmly into the ground. I look down to examine my front legs, now draconian. I turn around and see the rest of me, wings included. I flare out my wings slowly and feel the sensation. I remain still for several moments again, just feeling my other body. Then, I trudge to the edge and leap. I feel the wind as I fall, then open my wings and begin soaring. This is it, you're doing it!
    6. When you're done with your shenanigans, return to your starting point. Transform back to human. Walk back through the door and through the tunnel and back onto the beach. This is you "returning" to the real world. 
    7. Open your eyes. You're now back from your journey.

    This technique may not work for everyone, and that's perfectly okay. If you've found a better way, kudos to you! Maybe share it with me sometime? None the less, this is how I induce voluntary shifts on myself. Thanks for sticking around this long! I hope this helps you visualize your other self!

     

  16. Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not;  But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
     image.png.e2449e05b24e3f329af24de4c36bf5bd.png

    And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
    1281174516_ohleggy.png.68abe664d409d5da0f530d2708658e64.png
    soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~ 

    I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3

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