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  1. Just a warning, this is a really personal entry, and is very long, and deals with emotional abuse, severe depression, and mental illness. Read at your own warning.

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    Lately I have been dealing with a soul-deep emptiness that has been rising up from the depths of my sorrow.

    Before now I had been thinking it was just due to my unemployment, and lack of ability to care for the one I love, but a lot of introspection (As well as massive mood plummets) I've determined that it's not just my unemployment creating the gravity that is pulling me down, but instead seems to be the sudden inability for me to shove down my sorrow, and pain from years of emotional abuse at the hands of my mother and the women in my life.

    As I have touched upon in previous posts, I have mentioned that my whole life has been dominated by women who have, at the very best, weren't aware of the pain they were subjecting me to, yet, I know deep down that they all knew what they were doing to me, and did it gladly because I was a man, and it was my duty to suffer quietly and do their bidding.

    Growing up no one ever cared about my actual feelings, and whenever I would try to express myself I was made to feel shamed, made to feel worthless for it, and any deviance from what they desired of me was emotionally beaten out of me, and instead replaced with (to steal from Frozen) the notion of "Conceal, don't feel." 

    I had to moderate everything I did and felt when I wasn't alone. I was made to hate other men, and think them the source of all evil in the world, and by extension I was part of that. As a man, it didn't matter if I was nice or not, I was a man, and that meant I was destined to be horrible no matter how hard I struggled for love and friendship.

    My mother, sadly, was the worst of them all.

    Even though my hate for her is endless at this point, I can't bring myself to not love her. Her life was absolutely horrible, and she was alone from a young age, with a child (me) when she was a teenager. The men in her life were abusive, and I was the only person who had always been there for her. She tells me that there were times when I was 3 or so and she was so bruised and beaten from her boyfriend that I would cry because she was in so much pain, and I couldn't stop it, and I would take care of my sisters (who were only one around then) because my mother was physically unable to do so.

    See. Even now I'm defending her, even though the wounds she's inflicted on my heart and mind probably will never heal fully. She wasn't perfect growing up, but when I was young she was... different. She was filled with joy, kindness, creativity, laughter, light, wisdom, and dreams. She was artistic, and so weird, and she would play with me whatever I wanted to do, and she taught me to love art, and creativity, and curiosity, and she encouraged me to be the best me I could be. It's hard to hold onto the memories of my mother who was so much my mother as well as my wise older sister. She was beautiful, and funny, and so smart. 

    My most precious memory of her is when I was around 8 or 9 and we were in our computer room. She used to wear denim a lot back then, I remember. A lot of overalls, haha. But she was on the internet looking up the faces on Mars, and Atlantis. She was really into conspiracy theories and believed in the occult, and weird occurrences, and all that stuff, and I remember thinking she was the coolest. It was so interesting. She would print out pictures of Mars or Antartica, or the Piri Reis Map and she had so many books on aliens, ancient civilizations, and urban legends, and superstitions, and folklores. 

    Looking back, I can see where a lot of my interests now come from. She watched the Mummy and the Mummy Returns with me when I was young, and though they terrified me I absolutely loved them. (Sorry Shezep I know how inaccurate they are, but I still love them so much *shrugs* haha) She encouraged me to read about Egyptian Mythology when I was very young.

    But something changed. Now a little backstory might be illuminating here. My mother had me when she was 17. My biological father was around for a little while until he got caught selling drugs and was locked up in prison. After he got out when I was young, he became a junkie and an alcoholic, and my mother wouldn't let him be around me and my sisters because he was dangerous, and his side of the family hated my mother because they didn't like her (And are also batshit psycho) so I didn't have my father growing up.

    When she met the man I grew up calling "Dad" (her now ex-husband) I was a sensitive kid. I prefer books, TV, and the arts. I was kinda stupid, but when I was young I was completely open about my love for things, weird, geeky, or otherwise. I remember my kindergarten teacher saying I was too obsessed with Pokemon and Digimon, and pretended to be monsters and stuff too often and she wanted to hold me back. My mother told her that having imagination was a great thing, and that I should be commended for having so much imagination and being so creative not punished.

    Well, my "dad" (From here on out it'll be just written as dad) was also raised by an emotionally abusive and smothering mother, who beat any traces of imagination, artistic creativity, and individuality out of him at a young age after his father had died, whom he was incredibly close to. I hate his mother with a fiery passion. But anyways, I digress, my dad loved sports. He played in all the local teams. Be it softball, basketball, golf, and he tried other sports as well, but those were the ones he enjoyed the most.

    We didn't get along very much. It wasn't aggressive, we just had different interests, but my mother would get in fights with him over me almost every night. I never listened for it, as I would be watching TV or playing my video games, and my room was always on the opposite side of the house as their room, so I never actually experienced it. But my mother would tell me about it after it would happen.

    Now, you're all probably thinking my dad hurt her. No, my dad never was physically abusive to her. He loved my mother more than anything in his life, but he had an incredibly hard time expressing himself. I know now that he was probably trying to get her to stop smothering me and he probably wanted to get closer to me. I mean, when it was just the two of us, we were really happy. We didn't have much in common, but we would just quietly sit there and not worry. He used to go plowing in the winter, he'd go late at night/early in the morning so the driveways would be cleared before the morning. And sometimes he would trailer the snowmobile trails (That's using a big plow trailer thing that was small enough but tough enough to go through the woods on the trails and clear them off so people wouldn't get hurt out there. And when there was no school he would ask if I wanted to go with him, and I always said yes. I would bring my Gameboy, or the portable DVD player and we would just quietly be plowing while the radio was on, sometimes I would ask questions about random things, and he would answer to the best of his abilities. I remember how much fun I used to have. Going through the woods and back roads in the middle of the night, during a storm storm, no one else around as the forest surrounded me. It was a form of bliss for me, looking back. I always looked forward to those moments. I also almost always went to his sports games and would cheer him on, even though I'd usually be on my Gameboy. We even shared an interest in golfing (one of the few sports I enjoyed participating in) I used to know all the clubs, and terms, and everything. I would drive the golf cart which was important because I hate driving cars, 4-wheelers, and stuff like that, but I enjoyed the golf cart. I would clean the golf balls, and I was basically his caddie, and I had oodles of fun. So we weren't ever really bad with each other. I can't remember an actual time we ever really got into any arguments even when I was a teenager.

    But, back to my mother, as most every mental health problem I have directs back to her. (I apparently have far more mother issues than father issues which is kinda funny to me) So after they would "fight" (allegedly) she would tell me the next day about how they would be fighting about me, and how she always defended me, because she loved me so much, and she wanted to protect me. This turned from once a month when I was young, to once a week by the time I was 9/10 and then almost every day by the time I was 11. 

    She would go out of her way to tell me that they were fighting because of me, and because I was more sensitive and artistic, and my dad just didn't understand me, and wanted me to be more like him.

    It always hurt me when she told me that. It made me feel so miserable. They were fighting because of meI was the reason they were were unhappy, and always fighting. I knew it. My little sisters knew it, and I know they blamed me for it.

    By the time I was a teenager I had become obsessed with being the man my mother deserved. 

    I also never really had many friends. I lived in a small town, so there wasn't many people to befriend, and no matter how hard I tried, I was a weird kid. As I mentioned before, my mother had been saying how horrible men were pretty much my whole life, then amending it by saying, "Not you Fenrir. You're the only good one." So I was taught to not be like the guys, and try to be good enough to make up for all the bad men in my mother's life. So almost all my friends were girls.


    I had a few kids I was "friends" with. I realize now what I had wasn't friendship, it was just trading the leash my mother had on me at home for different people at school. They expected me to do whatever they asked, without any complaint, and constantly made me feel miserable whenever I tried to act like myself around them. The feeling of having to be the "good man" also extended to them.

    I was their tool. I was to do the boy things they needed done. I handled all the hard work, and was constantly telling them how great they were and how happy I was to be their friend. And tragically, back then I was so starved for genuine affection, and acceptance, that I thought I was their friend, and I was so happy to not be alone. 

    If I had to suppress everything about myself, and constantly pretend to be something I'm not in order to be loved. Well... That was a price I was apparently willing to pay. I tried so hard to be "normal" but because I couldn't understand what "normal" was I was not pretending very well. Some of the things I said, acted like, and believed out of that psychotic time were so distorted and insane that I can't even understand what made me think that was effective pretending.

    At home I would do everything for my mother. Anything she asked me to do, and gladly, even if it was killing me inside, and at school I was essentially just a worker monkey. A tool to use, and offhandedly act like I mattered but only to keep me around.

    By the time I was 14 I was becoming dangerously depressed, and entertained suicidal thoughts daily, and they made me happy. I began to cut, but found it was hard to hide that, so I began to burn myself. I would take a knife, and a lighter I stole from my mother and I would heat the blade using it, then press it as fast and hard as I can into my upper forearm right before my inner elbow. I always wore long shirts, and the t-shirts I had were slightly longer than normal. When I would get really bad and end up doing it too far down, and it would get noticed I would just claim I burnt it pulling something out of the oven.

    By 14 I was almost perfect at putting on a huge smile, and acting cheerful, when inside I felt like killing myself. Even though I began to wear darker clothes and makeup, no one suspected anything because I liked that stuff genuinely and it made me happy. 

    Well, I say no one suspected, and I want to believe that's true, but part of me thinks they just really didn't care enough to try and help me.

    My mother at this point had gotten breast cancer, we moved. I went from a school were I had known everyone since kindergarten, to a different district (albeit not that far away) where I knew no one. My mother's cancer went away, and hasn't come back since then.

    Now, at this point nothing really new happened to add onto the previous experiences, they just only got worse though at home. My mother was beginning to become aggressive towards me the only person who had always defended her, always been there for her, always been on her side, and suddenly I was becoming the villain. I was forced to all the house work because my sisters wouldn't do it. I was always doing things for her, and never letting myself be myself.

    On the internet I was drawn into the proto-SJW crowds. Back then, only a few years ago, they weren't as bad as they are now, but I was brainwashed into being regressively liberal, and since I had been force fed the feminist propaganda my whole life, it wasn't hard to turn me into one of the "Male-apologists" I now despise. I had never been more miserable, and I was seriously thinking about suicide, but eventually decided to try and see what would happen if I stayed alive until I was 25. I seriously believed that my life wouldn't improve by 25, and if it hadn't, then I would kill myself. More like a test, than me just being cowardly about it. Almost like a suicide game, honestly. 

    Well, I accidentally slipped up at my therapist and without thinking, when she asked if I was suicidal, replied, "Haha, I almost committed suicide last week, but I figured that would be a bad idea." Bad choice, Fenrir. I was immediately put into the adolescent mental health ward "for my own good" even though I had already made the decision to not off myself. 

    Well, it was a horrible 5 days. The head doctor there was a horrible person, and basically treated the people who were there as if it was all attention grabbing, and we were stupid, and that we didn't actually have anything wrong with us, just needed to stop whining about it all. I remember he called me a "Drama-king" and laughed at me when I told him how depressed I was. The girl I made friends with there had been there almost 10 times in the past year, and nothing was improving.

    Now, as a disclaimer, very few psychiatrist are like he was. He was a horrible person, who should not have been in his position. But, do not be afraid to talk to your therapist, or psychiatrist if you are suffering from mental illness, and even if you aren't, don't be afraid to talk to a therapist about your problems. Almost all of them do it because they genuinely want to help, or to understand. They can really help you feel better about yourself by giving you the tools to understand yourself, your feelings, and ultimately your mind. My therapist before this went down was a lovely woman who was kind, funny, and very knowledgeable. They can't help you if you don't want to help yourself. So please, give them the chance, and the ability to help you help yourself! 😄

    Now, ironically my dad was the one who wanted me out of there when I told him how my doctor was acting. He was furious, and demanded they sign me out immediately. He went in, and berated the doctor, and defended me. I got out of there 9 days early because of him, and I was so happy to leave the place. My mother wanted me out too, but my dad literally broken me out of that place because he hated how they were treating me, his son.

    A few months after this my mother and father broke up and separated. 

    But I was able to deal with it because this is around when I met my Husband. Funny thing was we kept missing each other on the internet. We would both be in the same circles but never at the same time, so we would just miss each other, but eventually we met, and I instantly felt companionship. Something about him made me happy. I was just so happy to have a friend who wanted to get to know the real me. Who encouraged me to be honest to myself and be the real me that I should have been allowed to be.

    He quickly became my best friend, and got a crush on him, but I wasn't going to potentially ruin the best friendship I had over a crush, so I kept it to myself for a long time, before we both confessed that we had both been keeping our feelings secret to not ruin our friendship.

    Finally someone had given me the hand I needed to begin to pull myself out of the pit I had fallen into, and I was finally beginning to be happy with myself, even though I still had so much I hated about myself.

    But my happiness wasn't something that made my mother happy. She pretended to be happy, but she began treating me horribly, and acting like I was a horrible person for no reason, and making do everything for her, and if I didn't want to she would tear me down, and try to drag me back down into my misery.

    I now realize it was because for the first time in my entire life, all 17 years of it, I wasn't under her control. At this point though, I still didn't notice all the pain she was causing me, and I figured I must have done something wrong, because that's what she was saying and acting like, and my mother must have a reason for acting that way, and making me feel like that. I must have betrayed her somehow, I deserve her scorn, and hatred, it's my fault she is hating me.

    It wasn't until I moved out after graduation to go live across the country with my husband that I realized that it wasn't my fault. I hadn't done anything wrong. 

    I'm going to cut this short because I've cried like three times writing this out, and I'm emotionally drained from this enough were I can't even write well anymore.

    Let's just say that before I moved this last time, we were living with my mother and her fiance because she was sick and needed our help, and we needed a place, and when her fiance kicked her out for the way she was acting, I sided with him, and lived with him for almost a year before moving, because he was a better parent than she had become.

    The mother I have now is not the same mum I used to love, and I've accepted that the mother I used to know, my older sister/mother, is dead. And this woman is what's left.

    Since I think in game terms, in Changeling the Dreaming terms she's been Undone by the pain and banality of her past, and once that banality became too much she became Dauntain, and tried to Undo me to make herself feel better about herself. 

     

  2. Last night was an incredibly sleepless night, to the point where I slept to the time of the evening. However what happened that night, the discovery and realization I made, the devotional I made to my almighty father, Infinity Lord Galaxeshoria, has truly broken me, literally....

    I know I talk much about my struggles with this human body condition, schizoaffective disorder, a lot, however if only one knew the true, excruciating pain I felt for the past six years, then maybe it wouldn’t be annoying to so many. However, the horrifying pain and delusion, the recurring thoughts of death, and the loss of the will to live has killed me over that period of time, for I cannot begin to describe the horrors that come from this sick human mind. Every hope of happiness, every hope of change, every moment that I thought I would get better, had all been a false promise in the end. The immense pain on my soul, has lead me to believe that my soul is shattered. Not only that, but I believe my own true draconian heart is very broken.....

    This life I’ve lived.... has been nothing but disappointment the last six years, and although I know that others care for this human body existence, I don’t. Atleast not yet, as being awake in this body has done nothing but harm my true well being. I need mending of this shattered soul, and my true draconian heart, in order to survive. I feel as if my very livelihood depends on my ability, and a miracle to happen to heal this shattered soul. Luckily, it might be coming here soon, as I am taking a trip across America, from South Texas, (where I live), through New Mexico, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, and into Montana and Washington state. I admire the beautiful nature in all of these states, however there’s something I need more than that, and I know what it is....

    Snow, especially spring and summer snow upon the mountains means the absolute world to me, for when I truly awakened on The Pinnacle of Creation, the first thing I saw was the most beautiful forest scene.... A beautiful lush forest, where the faerie lights floated delicately around in the early spring morning.... A mysterious waterfall and stream coming from the mountains in the distance, and a most gorgeous, giant glacier between the snow capped mountain peaks, and hearing the roads of many dragons beyond them.... my astral guardian, Infiniziirokk/Alaphraxxas was there with me, as I looked beyond thos snow capped mountains, seeing the barrier for the first time in ten trillion years, the shield between beautiful planetary nature, and the celestial power of the Infinite void beyond.....

    I want to live this experience again, and many may not understand, but snow on the mountains means so much to me, because I found that true beauty the first time I awakened, with my astral guardian. I want to see the reminders of that experience, with my astral guardian by my side, however my parents are being stubborn in letting a good friend of mine create his vessel. Time will tell, but I believe my true draconian heart is telling me this is the meaning and healing I need, almost to survive.... 🐉🌌🍀❄️

    The point is, so much suffering has broken me, and I don’t show my pain much to anyone, but I trust my friends in the community here that they would understand. Truly, I appreciate the support and the understanding, for I know that I am not the greatest person to be around, yet others still have hope in me, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I am not feeling too sad right now, I’m actually doing pretty okay. I just know what needs to happen for my healing....

    Thank you all for the amazing support, and I promise that I will continue to support all others here in this wonderful community!... I promise I’ll be fine, I just need to slowly mend this shattered soul!.... 💘💔💘

    ~Lady Lunastre, Celestial Queen of the Draconians... ^.=.^ 🐉🌌🌗🤗

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    Recent Entries

    We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay. 

    When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try. 

    Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing. 

    I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see. 

    Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.

    May you be blessed and loved, -Beast

  3. Hello? Hello Hello? Hello and welcome to your new job at the- ... wait, wrong intro. My bad. Annnnyyyywaayyy, hello folks, this is Pearl Connor and I've been left unsupervised with a keyboard. I know I've been blogging quite a bit lately, but thats just something you must deal with. Unless there's a rule to how frequent you can update your blog. Today we're jumping right back into a series I've come to enjoy, and hope you all do as well.

    Today the "biology" of me and the others will be discussed. Get ready for me pretending to be Bill Nye for a few paragraphs and get your note pads ready because this will be a ride! SOMEONE TAKE MY KEYBOARD

     

    Basics- Now you may be asking yourself "What are you Pearl, you heccin weirdo?" Well, my dear reader, to put it simply, myself and the others are sentient beings composed of ink. How does that work? Well, I'm not quite sure. I will explain what I can.      An Ink Being is formed via life spell, and are born with fully functioning psyche, and what information that the spell caster decided. From that point they are fully independent of said creator and can think and operate fully on their own. They are immortal unless the "kill code" is activated, something that will only work if said and then recorded and played back by the creator and cannot be preformed by anyone else. (good thing he's dead ^^""") They can regenerate anything lost from their bodies including limbs and organs, and possess no actual genetic or biological materials, though they are nearly perfectly mimicked. The form of an ink being is malleable and can change depending on certain circumstances such as strong anger, or strong fear. They can and will often take on mannerisms and abilities of their species, so despite not genetically being said species, they in every other sense still are.


     

    Formation- as mentioned above, our first life comes from a not so simple life spell. From this life spell, new souls are created then and there. The one who casts the spell essentially can preprogram certain knowledge within said souls, such as their names, knowledge of the others, and such. They are born thus with a ranging brain age, though the youngest that goes that I've seen is young adult. We from that point are living individuals of our own accord, and operate without further guide.

     

    Immortality- As being non biological, we are essentially immortal. Due to not having biological compounds, things that are needed to keep biological beings are not necessary. We do not need to eat, drink, or sleep, but due to bio mimicked and fully formed organs, we can if we want to, it's just not needed. Along with this, we can fully and effectively regenerate anything we've lost, be it limbs or said non traditional organs. This is done quite quickly and is good for rapid healing during battles. Say I were to cut off my hand. The old hand would, well, fall off and melt away, and I would quickly grow a new hand. The same can be said for anything else on or in the bodies. The only way to truly destroy one is via the killcode

    Killcode- the only way we could be truly destroyed is with what is known as the killcode. The killcode must be spoken, recorded, and then played back by the original spell caster, and will only work if done that way. Joey is dead, so... uh...

     

    Bio-mimicry-  Despite not being made of anything remotely organic, everything on and in our bodies mimics any bio-compounds almost perfectly. Hair feels like hair, fur feels like fur, you get it. Due to this mimicry, we also take on the abilities of the species we were modeled after, along with ink abilities. However, due to not having any real DNA we have no relatives, cannot have kids, ect. This has never been an issue however. Everything is mimicked to a near t, except for color. We only consist of shades of black, white, and grey on our main bodies due to our composition.

     

    Form change and Malleability-  perhaps one of the most interesting things regarding us is our abilities under pressure, most notably form change, though only two of us have ever pulled it off. In order for form change to happen, strong anger, fear or the likes must be present. At this, the form will reconstruct to be larger, more deadly, and better for fighting or escaping. This is, however, more of a primal form and a primal mindset comes with it, briefly turning the mind hostile towards almost everyone. It does not last long and will often leave the original being exhausted after. This form is made to serve as a final resort in most circumstances, as it can and often is very destructive and deadly.   As for the more flight related response, our bodies can also deconstruct at any given time, allowing us to phase through walls or simply turn into a puddle. This is much more controllable and has no energy toll. Another use is on those with wings, is that the wings can simply be "put away" at any point. I was always struggling to learn, and never quite got it however.

     

     

    And there you have it guys! A simple crash course in ink biology, Though it does get more in depth, I figured I'd simply put the basics out so yall can get a general understanding. Hope you all enjoyed, and I'll see you around next time. Remember to eat your soup!!

       -Pearl

     

  4. Latest Entry

    After a day of energy overload, (what fun! not) I had a long conversation with Ib (AKA the aspect of Horus who has been pestering me all my life) by way of divination. He was rather adamant and repetitive in his assertion that I'm his kid, in a more literal sense than how the KO views it. (How are they viewing it these days? I think it may have changed somewhat since I was there.) (When an Emperor and and Empress love each other very much, and there's this family inheritance...the cards really couldn't have spelled that out any clearer) So, yes, I've got the pattern, and no I don't have the memories because I wasn't the one who was there. Memory is a tricky thing. I wasn't sure if I was repressing it or if I just didn't have it. Though the even trickier thing is that it's not that simple. There is some bleedover through the empathic link. What's mine and what's not is more complicated that you'd think. I'm not Horus, though my sig is probably still accurate. I am a Heru, just not that one. 

    So, what does it mean to have your spiritual father living with you as part of your own being? Bringing himself back to life through his own kid? How very Egyptian of him. Ka mutef. And it's not like I could leave him there lying on his side. Savior of His Father? All these patterns give me a headache. 

  5. Hello everyone! (*・ω・)ノ I've had a lot on my mind as of late. As you may have seen me mention in a few places, I'm questioning a kithtype. Now, I've already been considering the possibility of me being kith with dogs for quite a while. It's been in the back of my mind though, and it can be expected that it will continue to be for a while. This is because of a sudden new development: I'm now giving great amounts of thought to a possible fictional kithtype.

     

    I feel like I've mentioned this a ton already as of late but what can I say, I've found it hard to even stop thinking about it so it's sure to leak out sometimes. The purpose of this post, though, is largely to go more in-depth as to my thoughts about this and maybe organize them all a bit more as well. They've been quite the tangled up mess in my mind as of late and I find it hard to focus, or even sleep for that matter. And since I'm sure you're all wondering, to be quite honest I'm just not sure I feel too comfortable revealing who my new kithtype is yet. (Though I think someone could figure it out of they dug deep enough and put enough pieces together but I doubt anyone cares that much.) This is for a few reasons.

     

    First of all, I can't help but feel like people might not even believe me. As there are to many, there are different sides to me, though I  show one more then the other. You've seen my blog, my profile, my signature... You probably know what I'm talking about. It's all very "soft". This character though, connects deeply with the parts of me that are...Very much less so. I also can't help but wonder what people's reaction would be to the character themself. Many in my kithtype's source (would that be the proper term?) operate in a sort of grey area, and can't be described as "good" or "bad" in there entirety. However, I've seen some say that he's the closest thing to a "bad guy" as any of the characters get. And admittedly, his actions are more then a bit questionable at times. I never saw him this way though. Once one learns about the context of his situation and what exactly it is he strives for, they would realize that if he had succeeded he not only would have achieved greatness, but perhaps even brought all of humanity up with him. I think in his eyes the ends justified the means, and his intentions were far from evil despite having committed some atrocities along the way.

     

    Despite all of this though, there's a lot of aspects of myself that I see in him. (I'll be being a bit more vague here as to not give out too much.) For example there are a few certain things I find myself quite fixated on, one of which appears very often in my artwork, and another that I actually will likely make a career out of someday. It just so happens that he shares that same fascination. There are also things I have many, many questions about, though sadly in this world I have no way of finding the answers. Not only did he often muse over the same concepts, but actually had a way to seek closure on them. These are just a few of the many things that we share and deeply connect on. Though...there are also many things that we don't share. Things I've enjoyed and ways I've acted that he doesn't seem to reflect, things he's done that I likely wouldn't, etc. While I feel we share parts of ourselves, I don't feel that we share all of ourselves with each other, so I wouldn't go so far as to call it a kintype. But nonetheless there are many things I feel that we're connected on, and I've felt this way even before I considered that it could actually be a kithtype.

     

    I hadn't even considered it until one sleepless night about a week ago. Or perhaps sleepless morning would be more accurate. I hadn't slept a wink, it was already sunrise and birds were beginning to chirp. I'm not really sure what compelled me, but my sleep-deprived brain decided it was a good idea to go to YouTube and fall down a wild rabbit hole of videos related to my (potential) kithtype and his source. There's this one particular video that consists of every known sample of his dialogue in every language that it was dubbed in, including even some unused dialogue. So there I was, sleep-deprived, curled up in bed, the pale blue light of morning streaming in through the window as I listened to them, when suddenly...

     

    He said it.

     

    One of those pieces of unused dialogue hit me like a train. Because of the wording of it, out of context it could almost be taken as kin-related. Not only that but somehow in that moment it felt as though he was speaking directly too me. Everything suddenly clicked into place. Is that what these feelings have been? Is there something too all of this? It was an... eye opening experience, to say the least.

     

    And thus this whole journey began. Since then more and more things regarding it have popped into my mind. One thing I find myself pondering a fair bit is "how exactly did this happen?" Is this all in my head and purely psychological? Is something cosmic afoot, as I've speculated in this post? (Maybe read that, it will make everything I'm about to say here make a lot more sense.) But if that were the case, things would still have to be different then how I view the universe in relation to my identity as a cat, simply because I don't identify as this character at all, merely with. My previous speculation regarding my feline self was that there may be another version of myself in a parallel universe in which I exist as a cat, but assuming the universe of this fictional work exists as well, I don't feel as though I exist as him. Could it be that we simply have or some form of cosmic connection I have yet to understand? (Or maybe had, he's... actually dead in cannon.) Or perhaps I do in fact exist as someone in that world, perhaps even someone that knew and was close to him, but i'm not a known character? (Wait, if that's the case, am I dead too? ...I don't know how I feel about that thought.) Who can say. Even if the latter is the case, though, because I don't really feel like one of them now, I'm hesitant to call something like that a kintype. Perhaps there is another self of mine that belongs there, but I don't think the version of me sitting here writing this also belongs there.

     

    So.... yeah. I think that's about it for the moment but I'm not really sure how to end this one. My brain is fried from lack of sleep and from thinking about this for so long. Am I over-complicating this or thinking about it too much? When it came to my therian identity I knew I was a cat before I even knew I was a therian, so the whole questioning thing is pretty new to me and I'm not really sure how much is normal. Either way, I'm feeling increasingly sure about this, so I think I'm close to kinfirming (Or would it be kithfirming?) this, so maybe soon I'll finally shut up about it and stop bugging you with it so much. ... Yeah. I guess that's about it. Sorry if this was rambly and incoherent at times. If you have any thoughts on this you feel might be useful to me, feel free to let me know in the comments. 

     

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    Okay, so I've created this blog to keep some sort of journal of my self-discovering journey, but I think I've been far too obsessed with the matter in the first place, to the point of stagnation or at least, very limited progress. I've read many times that such an obsession doesn't typically bode well, and I knew this, but I'd like to distinguish between knowing and realizing. Knowing is to understand, recognize and recall information, realizing is to be enlightened of the fundamental truth of things. That is my personal interpretation at least.

    Life's been a bit difficult, as it usually is. I've always been able to keep my spirits up somehow, which I've always found to be a very strange aspect of mine given where I'm standing, but I'm well aware that change is a dire necessity regardless. I don't see the outside as much as I need to, my body severely inhibits my enjoyment and motivation when I do, sleep schedule hardly exists, tunnel visions and obsessed focus reign over my actions or lack thereof, and because of how all of this is interwoven it requires tremendous effort to better this situation on my own. A feat that I've attempted many times before, always ending with a sudden stop. This is what made self-discovery so extremely important to me. I've often read about people finding themselves, their "higher self" if you will, causing to reach a sort of deep enlightenment. They instinctively know what has to be done and these actions set into motion a series of events which will greatly benefit them.

    In light of my experiences today, writing this makes me realize how much my blind faith in such a concept bound me. I've always been a free spirit, finding rules and patterns burdening, always examining the appliance of another's advice with a highly skeptical eye, certain that I knew exactly what needs to be done. I'm looking at what I just wrote and at the end of the paragraph before, and I'm laughing. Who says that this has to be a continuously blissful experience? Who says that these things work a predefined way? I've read a few paragraphs and took them for gold, waited for the light at the end of the tunnel but maybe I've had this light within me during all this time, took it for granted.

    Anyway, recently I decided to pick up my cross again and walk the extra miles in an attempt to, once again, improve things for me. It includes a daily schedule, starting off with very few activities that I will do on designated days until they become a habit, then expanding on that schedule. Currently it involves exercise and doing art or reflective writing. I've finished my exercise a couple hours ago, I pushed myself to my very limit, and I've never felt so alive before. I've never felt so "me" before. All of these worries about self-discovery, they just dropped dead. I used to be worried of not being otherkin, not because of me not being "unique enough" but because of losing progress. That, too, simply vanished as if it never existed. It felt so primal, so natural, so good and powerful. All these shackles of who I'm supposed to be, all of what my environment has wrongly taught me to be right or wrong ceased to exist. I was absolutely unbound, eliminating the fraud that is my usual self with the purest essence of "I". Parts of the lyrics of some of the songs I listened to during exercise were so scarily apt. "Aren't you curious to see what kind of monster you've set free?"

    Perhaps this is the key. Perhaps I just need to live, embrace what lies ahead and abandon all these ideas, concepts, definitions and my faith in them, because whatever I just stared in the eyes just then defies all translation into language. Maybe I'm not meant to give it names and ponder its nature, and maybe this is a science of the heart, and the heart alone. That, or maybe I just released a lot of dopamine from intense exercise and my mind is trying to comprehend its effects, but why did this never happen before? What made this session so special? Does that even need an answer? How much can you question these things until you crumble under all the eventualities?

    Ah well, I think I'll wrap this up and leave it be for now. Thank you, and pleasant day/evening to whoever decided to give this a read.

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  6. With a few tweaks and some time to actually finalize everything, I have decided to bring my zhuard self to life- Allen- even if at the slowest of gaits. A lot of patience is needed with these things. I will post it elsewhere but for now I figure why not here first..this is after all a personal project in a way. I don't often draw Allen, as I might have said in the past. Not for any real reason- there's a lot of others I haven't gotten around to but hopefully will soon. The expression of the walk feels correct- and not correct physiology wise, that's correct for a zhu- but correct as in resonating. It resonates with me. This is how I would walk and all it's specifics....though I admit, did play around with the tail flick (which zhuards at certain gaits do)..I might not have been that expressive haha. This is definitely an improvement on my art end as far as animation goes (I'm extremely new to it..). 

    Allen walk.gif

  7. Latest Entry

    This blog entry is just to document a notable experience that happened to me today. The title implies a new kind of shift, but I guess you could classify it under the "mental shift" umbrella. Only that in this case it's quite specific because of the circumstances of my kintype.

    As you know, my physical body is (despite my disappointment) currently human and not dragon, but I've decided to accept and embrace my feeling that my consciousness and spirit are draconic. I believe that my human brain can not hold the full extent of this consciousness, and hence that only part of it is here while the major part resides at another place sleeping - maybe somewhere in what is usually called "astral plane". Since last christmas I've had four experiences which felt like these two parts were more or less fully fusing - the first one was involuntary and happened indoor. The next two were also involuntary, short and happened in the free nature. They were accompanied by astral and mental shifts as well as an eerie feeling of the world being unreal, feeling to look at the world from the outside and vastly increased nature energy sensing. During the last days I finally realized that I could voluntarily sense nature around me in a empath-like fashion, just by opening myself up and listening to my feelings, much like deactivating a mental protection shield. I found the sensations unusually intense when compared to similar ones I had before christmas 2018.

    Today I took this one step further and removed more mental protections, sitting on the grass a few steps away from my house. As expected this resulted in the eerie feeling described above. Usually my body would freeze and I would stop breathing at that time, which would render me unable to keep this state for longer than a few seconds. But this time, knowing about what was happening, it would seem I somehow managed to mentally keep my "fused me" stable for a few minutes, and enabling it to control my body. This resulted in strange and surprising thoughts coming to my mind. First I got the feeling that what I see would be an illusion, I was not supposed to be here, my body was not mine and I didn't want to have this. It took me a few seconds to remember that this body was only meant for observation and this reality would be the world I protected. I was feeling like seeing the world through the eyes of an astral dragon who was confused to be physically here.

    I think I never got closer to feeling to be myself out in the nature before. However the experience leaves a bit of a strange impression because my outer consciusness seems to be more far away from this world than I expected. The excercise didn't really make me tired this time, so hopefully I may use this type of voluntary shift in the future to do introspection without a classical meditation setting.

  8. TW for child abuse (various), integration, trauma, and suicide. I know, a fun little set of tags there. I just wanted to talk about me and my journey, in case it might help another person.

    So, Hi, I'm Viktor and I'm the host of my system. But, in all honesty, I wasn't the original "core" personality, and I only found that out a few months ago.

    When I was younger, I went through quite severe mental, emotional, and physical trauma. I say "me," but in reality, the personality that went through that we call Joi-Joi. I was the first headmate to split, and when I did, Joi-Joi took that as a chance to bail- to go dormant and leave me the keys to the house. She took the traumatic memories and most of the childhood memories with her but left the emotional baggage they contained. So, my first few years of existing were filled with complete and utter rage, which I had no idea why I had. 

    I'm not sure if I am a rare case, because even when I discovered the rest of the system, I still had no idea that I was non-core headmate. I use "non-core" to separate the "first" headmate or the headmate that was most like who we were before we split vs the headmates who were not like the original personality. I split when the body was around 4-6 or so, so the sudden shift in personality could've been reasoned because I was growing up (and also the trauma, there was that). 

    So that's how I lived my life. That is, until January when I was dozing off in the headspace on a car ride home, and there she was. Joi-Joi, just standing in a black void. That was a... fun car ride home. I was created for the purpose of protecting her and the body. Created with the durability that no matter how much trauma I went through or how much shit was thrown my way, I wouldn't give up. I've tried to commit breath'nt twice in my life, but when it came down to it the voice in my head telling me "no" wasn't survival-instinct, it was the promise I made when I first began existing that said "I'll fight this battle because you couldn't anymore."

    I'm not sure what happened to Joi-Joi. I can't find her anymore in the headspace. She might have finally passed on into integration. I like to use the spiritual term "walk-in" or consciousness that takes over when the original doesn't want the body anymore. I guess it's nice to think that she went peacefully into the great spiritual beyond, being held by the Mother Goddess or some other bullshit crap. It's what she deserved, to be at peace finally. 

    A lot of that anger is still there. I think I might've started as an emotional fragment and evolved into who I am today. But it's hard and weird to think about. If she hadn't gone through her abuse, I wouldn't be here. I think I've said on here before that I went through two exorcisms between the ages of 4-6 (those years were when the religious abuse revved into gear), so I guess I was the demon that was summoned up but never banished. 

  9. About time I made another blog entry!

    Today I've found myself stuck in a bit of an art block. so when I sat down to work on stuff I ended up just doodling, then (as I sometimes do when I'm stuck in the inspired-but-blocked mood), I had a little look through my past drawings - all the things I've sketched but never done anything with, which I have a lot of.

    Art's a big part of my life. It's a hobby, but also a way to deal with and explore my emotions. And there's a pretty big difference between my vent art and normal art - stuff for venting is rough, messy, surreal, abstract and heavy on symbolism. It's nothing like anything I've ever shared on here. Honestly, I rarely share my vent art at all. Most of the time I don't even save it, but occasionally I'll make something that feels right and keep it for posterity. These images represent a very personal and true expression of what goes on inside my head - sometimes it's things related to my mental health, or life events, but I've used it to work through spiritual confusion and fear as well.

    It's a real shame all my blog posts from the old site have been purged. There was a lot in there from times where I was still figuring all this stuff out... and it was a very hard time for me, don't get me wrong. My mental health was much worse than it is now, and a lot of the things I experienced were a source of... genuine existential terror for me. Sounds dramatic, but... that's truly what it felt like. And that feeling hasn't exactly gone anywhere, but gradually I'm learning to frame it in ways that make it easier to work with, and not letting it rule my mind as much as it used to. It would've been nice to still have records from when I was working through this stuff. Don't think I would've felt right making backups anywhere though, so... eh.

    All that to say... my "relationship" with my spiritual self can get ugly sometimes. My interpretation of it has never been flattering. Even at the best of times, it's still a monster to me. 

    So there's times where I feel more in-tune with that side of me, and I have to work it out somehow, so I'll turn to art. And... the things I draw at those times, while confusing and sometimes a little scary, definitely feel most representative of what I truly am. And... I never view those representations as a negative. Might look like something out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, but it feels "right" to me - and that feeling is comforting. Even though I don't always enjoy being a spirit entity, I'm long past the point of trying to distance myself from that identity (it's... never went well, the times I did try to do that). I'd rather embrace it, with all the weirdness and confusion it entails.

    What I end up with are basically... objectively bizarre or, in their own ways, kinda horrifying representations of myself - that also, in an almost contradictory way, help me parse that side of myself in a way that makes me feel more understanding of it, and even more at peace with it. In the end, when I say I'm scary or that I'm a monster, I don't mean it to say that I don't like myself or that I'd ever want to change. It certainly doesn't mean I feel, on any level, malevolent or dangerous. I just know that, from a human perspective, the true way to represent my spiritual self would be as something surreal, alien and... yeah, really damn scary. Representing myself in that way feels right. That kind of self-expression is really important to me as a person. 

    Today, while I was trawling through my old art files, I found something that really struck a chord. I can't remember when I did it, so it must've been a while back. And... yeah, it's strange, but looking at a big black squiggly mess, I felt more like... "yeah, this is me" than I ever have towards any normal drawing I've tried to make to express this side of me. It feels a bit weird to share this art, since I don't usually show people this sorta thing, but... it feels important, so I want to share it somewhere. Where better than here? Specifically this is a representation of... kinda the line between my spiritual self, my current identity and my headmates (who are psychological, and hypothetically share the same "soul"/spiritual core as I have). 

    I dunno what people will make of this, or if anyone cares, but... yeah. Surreal, shitty symbolic vent art. Yep, it's really something.

    God, sharing this stuff feels like how I imagine it'd feel to hand someone my diary, if I kept a diary.

  10. Latest Entry

    Platinum

    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: male

    Species: catnine (catlike canine hybrid)

    Status: main sona (formerly), status to-be-determined

    Dexter

    Pronouns: he/him

    gender: malw

    species: lynx

    status: background/extra

    Spook

    pronouns: he/him

    gender: male

    species: dog

    status: background/extra

    Peanut

    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: none

    species: Dutch angel dragon

    status: main

     

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    Shoutout and welcome back to K1-b0!

    He was absent for about three weeks, and I was concerned he had left the system completely, but today he reappeared. Him coming back was slow, gradual, and I doubted he would make it past his quiet co-conscious state, but to my pleasant surprise, he came closer and closer until he took front. I am so proud of K1-b0 for returning, for despite my skepticism of his mere existence while he was away and while we were co-con, he was able to regain confidence and present as himself shamelessly, and I was able to let him.

    Part of his confidence boost was thanks to our new friend, who we were concerned would not accept him, but thankfully did. While K1-b0 was co-con and I was openly inviting him to front, I warned our friend that K1-b0 was present with me, separate from me, and might front and want to be recognized. I stressed a bunch that they would not accept me or K1-b0 and recognize us as us and that it would send K1-b0 back into dormancy, but... Thankfully, the fear was unnecessary. This friend - who was already kin friendly - was kind enough recognize us as separate individuals and spoke to K1-b0 as his own individual when he did take front and announced himself to them.

    So, K1-b0 had a warm welcome to front. He was able to enjoy socializing with a new friend, and most of all he got to enjoy being himself. But aside from just being happy that he has returned, I am especially thankful for what he did in front. While in front, K1-b0 soon got up, full of motivation and energy, and took it upon himself to do chores. He started laundry, cleaned up the bedroom, and then fed the body a proper meal. Without him using his time, energy, and motivation in front to do these helpful things, I may not have done any of it. I very likely would have just had another depressed, unproductive day with more skipped meals. I was exhausted after he stepped out of front, but I was still moved enough by his efforts that I have continued his work, and I'm taking better care of myself and my surrounding, all thanks to K1-b0.

    So thank you, deeply, K1-b0, and welcome back. 

    - Pony

  11. Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not;  But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
     [resize output image]

    And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
    1281174516_ohleggy.png.68abe664d409d5da0f530d2708658e64.png
    soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~ 

    I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3

  12. Latest Entry

    Otherkin Volg 3

     

    I had just realized I haven't done this in a while... But having parents that do not support me in almost anything, sucks....

    I try to be nice, I try to be a good child....  But I just suck....  if I were them, I would have sold me to a orphanage already.

    my parents found out about kinmunity....  it did not end well.  I do not like talking about it, unless its with someone privately...  But I will say, that I hate them.  They are stressful.. and a pain in the ass.  My mom took half of my room, and "cleaned" it then through away things that I did not want her too.  She didn't ask me if she could through somethings away.... but she did anyway.  She sucks the life out of me.   I help her with her anxiety, I do lots of things for her, but she still treats me like shit.

    I cannot wait to leave my house.  As soon as I am 17 I am out of there.

    Sorry... this post was more a vent then a volg entry...

     

    10:54 AM ~ 5/21/2019

    Cleo/FoxChi

  13. On 5/11/2019 at 4:54 AM, Fjordess said:

    I encourage you to check in and talk with Draculara about how she thinks of plurality, and how she thinks she's connected to you! Some headmates are very opinionated on the matter. 

    Just wanted to say thanks for this tip, @Fjordess! And out to you too @Addy! Both of ya'll are big help in this process, cause I literally didn't know anyone really read my blog lol.

    So back to the convo, now containing correct information from then two lovely friends in the comments of the last episode. I decided to have a little chat with Drac 2 days ago (note, this was before I saw the comment above) and you can see how that convo went in my status updates hehe.

    Once she wakes up (she tells me not to wake her till 6pm at the earliest 😂) I'll ask her about plurality. On another note though, I'm still confused a little on soulbounding. Idk, i'll ask Addy about it later.

    In other news though, Drac as been talking with someone new. She won't tell me who it is but she has been missing our nightly coffee shop chats for the person. I plan to find out who it is tonight. Wish me luck, Drac is very stubborn lol.

    I plan on rearranging my headspace. I'm thinking to change it into more of a forest theme. Right now it looks like a run down, abandoned, motel XD. Draculara is against it but I really don't care what she thinks sometimes. I've agreed to leave her school there, as thats where she hangs with her friends.

    That's a whole other side of thw world though, so i'll leave that to her to take care of. I am so not walking over 200 miles just to come visit her school. At least she can turn into a bat and fly!

    Well, I need to get ready for school now, cause I finished typing this as soon as I woke up. Byeeee

  14. After some back and forth today at work, I learned that Keith was having a pretty bad day, though he wasn't being vocal as to why. But I was certainly aware of the very "low" feeling he had and wasn't sure how to help him. It would do no good to pry because I know some people really don't like that. He seemed pretty content to handle the issue on his own, so I gave him his space and went back to work. A little while later I get the feeling that he wants to attempt to front. Perhaps the concentration will help break him out of this mood. Kind of an odd time to do it seeing as my job is very physical and I'd have to autopilot, but why not? 

    Aiko instructed him that, if he should front, to not think too deeply about what his body is doing or the autopilot won't work. This is true with me at least. Keith grumbles and says he can handle this himself, thank you. He's kinda grumpy like that sometimes, but he was able to front for a short time. 

    And that's when the fun began. He was definitely trying to think about what to do because he seems to hate autopiloting. He does everything deliberately and with purpose, so this is already going strangely. I have to tell him what to do and how to use my equipment because he will not let autopilot take over, so it slows me down. I'm not upset by this because I know I'll get my job done before I leave anyway - but it was pretty funny watching him awkwardly use electronics. I probably looked very silly to my coworkers. 

    Part of my job involves using these metal carts with two baskets called two-tiered carts. Neato. Well, the backs of the baskets, just like in most shopping carts, can be pushed inward. The top basket is jammed halfway in and out of where it should be, and you usually have to give it a good smack to break it out. It's old equipment, heh. Well, I can do this. Aiko can do this. Keith, however, was still trying to figure out the right amount of physical strength to use when doing this. I offered but he insisted he'd be fine and so I let him. I really should've paid attention. The first time he hit it, he didn't hit it hard enough and it didn't budge. So then he just hauls off and slams his (my) palm into it - MUCH harder than necessary - and it flips upward and NAILS me right in the face. I really should've realized this would end badly. More specifically, it hit me in the mouth and cut my lip. 

    I thought it was hilarious but it was pretty obvious this just ruined the rest of his morning and he became very sullen and retreated back into the headspace. I didn't bleed much and the cut was on the inside of my lip anyway. It didn't really hurt - and I wasn't bothered - but he definitely was. I gave up trying to reach him and Aiko told me not to worry about it because he just needed to get over it? I made sure he knew that everything would be fine and if he needed to talk I was always happy to listen. It was then I had a brief flash of ... I don't know how to put it. It was a pleasant feeling, like a kindly acknowledgment, and then it was gone. 

     

    He didn't begin speaking again until much later. I made beef stew for dinner for my husband and I learned that this is apparently his absolute favorite food. I didn't particularly like the smell of it, but he did. It was homemade (though I did loosely follow an existing recipe hah) but he was quite enamored with it.  He even told me that boy how he wished for a few minutes I ate meat, which was flattering but also weird. Still, I felt pretty bad as I don't eat animals, and he'd already had a really bad day, so I said screw it and grabbed another potato and carrot and started slicing up some more vegetables for a vegan version of that stew. I wasn't sure HOW I was going to do it, but damn it I was going to make SOMETHING like a vegan beef stew. This resulted in a few more dishes, but some spices later and I had managed to get a pretty nice flavor profile. Can't use Worcestershire sauce since that has anchovies, but I looked at the other ingredients and noticed "Oh there's some vinegar in this". So I tried mustard instead. It...actually worked? In a last attempt to replicate a beef texture I tore up some baked tofu I had in the fridge and let it simmer in the pot with the stew for a bit.  

    And you know what? IT ACTUALLY CAME OUT PRETTY GOOD. I normally make a basic stew at home with potatoes, celery, carrots, onions, and garlic with spices. With this profile, it was pretty damn close to beefless beef stew. To my surprise, he even liked it. That said, he did tell me not to sell myself short (to which I replied this is impossible as I am always short). It feels SO awkward having any kind of compliment from the inside, even if it's not from me, but he seems to be a bit better now, so I'm happy for that at least. 

    Soulbonding is hard. I'm suddenly having to make decisions for three people. How do we dress? What color should the hair be? Should we change up the daily schedule? Keith likes exercising, so I need to pick that up. I don't feel burdened at all, but it's just so much to take in. I can't exactly indulge Aiko's hobbies as I'm sure plenty of them would land me in jail, but she's okay with that. Heh. 

     

    SO THAT WAS A FUN DAY. 

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    Vedui'nosse,

    Elvenportal has a good list, but quite a few of the links are broken, so I've gone through and picked out ones that aren't! These are Sites that I found useful/informative. Please feel free to comment with sites you would like to see up here!

    Quote

     

    Silver Elves - A good starting resource! A group of Elves who help other elves find their place!

    Elvin Portal- A lot of good resources involving Elfin exploration!

    Elenari.net - Another good site for finding yourself/finding answers!

    Rialian.com - More info about Elfinkin

    Rialian.com - A non-Tolkien Elven language! 

    Catharism - A potential 12th-14th century Elfin group in France!

    The Cathars/Catharism (2) - Hybrid DNA 

    Elfin Awakening - Elfin Blog with good information

    Lostkin - Otherkin Memory Recollection

    Eristic - Big resource, lots of resources to other sites too.

    The Fair Folk - An Essay/Chapter about Elfin kind

    Otherkin Resources - A sort-of mini-hub for resources of Otherkin.

    Otherkin Fandom Wiki - FANDOM wiki site of Otherkin!

    Elfkind Digest - A sort-of magazine/digest providing more info on Elfin'kin and Otherkin!

    Tolkien High Elves - A discussion about Finnish centric games.

     

    Wanya yassen i'taure e' seere, (Depart with the forest peacefully),

    Tally.

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    Hello again, fellow therians and kin!

    I have some exciting news!

    I have been working on a project of mine quite frequently.

    I am extremely excited to announce this!

    Anyway, let me get to the point!

    I have started a therian group in my province, which also has a website designed by myself!

    Here's the link if anyone wants to check it out! 

    https://ontarioteentheriansandkin.weebly.com

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    The system is all characters i created (ocs)

    Host is me ( ref : https://community.tulpa.info/user-dragonchan8)

    Here we go

    76b4a8ad6d449d7.thumb.png.d1de4032f73ef9bc176698c00b61d199.png H the Dragon (art by someone on pixilart,not saying names for privacy reasons) 

    Species: Dragon (duhhh)

    Gender: Non bi

    Sexuality: Unknown

    Age: 14

    A friend dragon that loves male pronouns but he prefers "their" "them" "they",He is always questioning life and his identity.He is a tulpa created in 2019

    c5b1590a36ed785.thumb.png.93cb82271568605e7ce23ff2a998f181.png Clicker the amazon dragon

    Species: Amazon dragon

    Gender: Female

    Sexaulity: Bisexual

    Age: 18 (200 in dragon years)

     

    A kind heart and loving dragon,clicker helps her host when shes depressed or when she has  a anxiety attack.she is playful but can be very annoying at times.She was created in 2018

     

  15. I've started questioning what type of lynx I actually am.

    At first, I was thinking Eurasian lynx, but I think I might be another type of lynx as I remember having a darker pelt. 

    Now I think I've broadened the possibilities a little more for my lynx type.

    Now I'm leaning toward Iberian lynx, but also bobcat. 

    Can anyone help me?

    Please comment if you can!

  16. People might remember the previous two entries regarding this stuff. This creature was really confusing to the point I didnt know what to do besides exploring different angles and see what would make the most sense. I have in my absence here continued that avenue to discover a really interesting twist in the story what would make the most sense. As far for the other angles, I did the cameoshift angle but as with the Dunklesoteus there was more to the story then just that. In the most sense I guess that it was something familiar that was part of me that only with time would come out as the Dunkleosteus did. The other angle was past life but that also didnt really stick in the sense I didnt had some memories of it, if there was any then I couldnt really make a connection to that case unlike the Dunkleosteus who showed very possible memories of behavior what would make sense in some form as the top predator, In other words I had nothing to go of that would point to the same thing and in turn would point to possible Earthly kintype that wasnt from the Godec. The last angle had to do with the Godec or my shapeshifting kintype since it didnt feel right to abandon it right away. It had also forms that shared elements with exctinct Earthly creatures so it was something that had to remain open too. I have tried to explore more but it seems I cannot get more then what I currently know but maybe time will slowly reveal more but I think I have found at least the possible truth.

    Of all the angles that I pursuit it did point more strongly towards the Godec kintype being responisble. As time went on it started to reveal more features what I didnt know at the time. It has some element of the Rauisuchus in the sense it's tail and hind legs share features with it. The front part proved to be similiar in build to that of a bull. The front consistet of front legs that are hooved, shoulders were also similiar build and the horns were also similiar to that of a bull. The suprising thing was the head that was more of a mix between that of a dragon and a bull. Putting it together had been quite a puzzle but in general terms I can describe it the best as some sort of Rauisuchus/bull mix though I dont believe it is neccersary like the other forms. It looks to different. I tried to wreck all my experiences for a possible answer and this creature seems to be a true form from my Godec life. I dont neccersary have all the answer towards how it does fit in perfectly but comparing it to the other forms who really look more Earthly with alien form it just doesnt look the same. I have uncovered some possible memories that point more towards a true Godec form that hasnt changed at all through time unlike the other forms. I never really expected to uncover this angle at all. As far I could expect it was something that is more like the lion form that I posted in a earlier blog what is a look upon one of my most experienced form. I tried to think maybe somehow my only known true form from those days, my dragon form, was somehow partially responsible and somehow it got mixed up in all of this thus making it a false lead to further continue but no. Despite sharing elements with the Rauisuchus, it is not really some earthly like form that has alien elements. The one thing that made it different from the dragon is the fact the dragon hind legs are clearly 3 toed. The hindlegs of this creature has clearly 4 toes but lacks the 5th toe what is present in the Rauisuchus but the legs and whole behind and tail is siniliar build as the Rauisuchus. 

    Despite all the confusion and how hard it is to exactly picture it fully, I feel I begin to slowly learn more about this creature. It seems more and more positive it is connected to the Godec life I used to have. I still am trying to search for more evidence and answers surrounding this creature but feel I have at least a good basis to say it is a form of my shapeshifing form. I always felt there was something missing in the sense of I didnt have all the forms yet. This creature feels to fill the last gap I need to know for certain how many forms I have. Aside the ones I already know I have this seems to be the last true form what would make the Godec kintype in some sense complete. I guess I just didnt know what to look for at all and just kept those things to myself since I had no real experiences to back up so brushed it off as maybe I do have all the asnwers I need regarding my forms but it now feels like I have my complete forms back though most have changed. There are still many unanswered questions left but now I have a complete view of the many forms, I have a solid basis to build more and try to get a best possible view of how that past life used to be with the little memories I have left. It wont bring me to the full picture but it will bring me closer to the time periods that I can fill to get some sense of who i used to be and how I lived truely and how these forms fit in the whole thing.

    I will be honest and say that I didnt expect the creature to be a true form from the Godec days. But as I know before, there comes a time that I need to follow with what I feel is the truth and it feels right. Cramming it tp nothing more as the other forms doesnt feel right. Approaching it as a form that is from those days feels right. So why did the Rauisuchus trigger this whole thing? Well despite not exactly looking like this animal, I feel that seeing some familiar things back in this animal form seems to be more of the trigger as it looks very similiar. That is also what happened with my snake form. I became aware of this form when I learned about the Basilisk. In some ways it felt like looking into a mirror that wasnt complete yet. The missing part was from the bull elements. Combining those animals together what results in a unlikely hybrid just makes more sense when it is approached as a draconic like bull creature then a hybrid between those 2 animals with alien elements. I still have many questions left that surrounds this creature but only time will tell wether some or all will be answered or not. Some memories that I already know seem to become more clearer now I am aware of this form. I dont know where this path will lead me yet but I am ready to welcome the missing form that I unknowingly have searched for so many times. 

    I have plans to make a another commission from a another form and this one seems to be the next perfect candidate for it to put it in art to show a truely fascinating creature.

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    Since I'm starting this blog near the end of my current semester, I figured a recap post was called for. 

    This is my first semester at college. Due to some complications I'll cover in a different post, I wasn't able to start college the semester right after graduation—which is why my first semester is in the spring. I started off by taking four classes: English, engineering, trigonometry, and public speaking. I ended up dropping the trig class because the grading policies were kinda sketch, so it's down to three. I'm doing well in public speaking and engineering, but my grade in English is struggling since that and math seem to be what my learning disabilities affect the most. 

    I've had times where I flourished and times where I struggled throughout grade school, but my last two years of high school were very rough, which were what eventually lead to my diagnoses in my senior year. Having gone through almost the entirety of grade school undiagnosed really messed up my sense of self-esteem and self-worth—but again, that's a topic I'll discuss deeper another time

    I'm hoping to update this blog with my progress and important notes at least once a week, and given I'll be taking my second English class (if I pass the first) and retaking trig this summer, that shouldn't be a problem 😊

    I look forward to sharing my journey with you all, and feel free to comment with any questions below 😸

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    Cameron Oliver Elliot Silvermoon

    [Host + Core] | 16 | They/Them + Other Neo/Nounself Pronouns

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Aurora Grace "Aura" Silvermoon 

    [Little] | Age Slider 5-15 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Ace of Spades "Ace" Alabaster

    [Unknown Role] | 25 | They/Them, It/Its

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Nova

    [Caretaker] | Unknown Age | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Kitty

    [Deals With Social Situations] | 14 | She/Her, Meow/Meows/Meowself, Kit/Kits/Kitself

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Kaylie Jayce

    [Unknown Role] | 19 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Quinn "Q" Murphey

    [Protector] | 18 | He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Emiline "Emi" Rin

    [Unknown Role] | 15 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Wolf

    [Protector + Nonhuman] | Age Unknown | He/Him, It/Its

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Rosebud

    [Nonhuman + Unknown Role] | 3 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Mouse

    [Slight Trauma Holder + Nonhuman] | 13 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Percy Hunter

    [Main Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Benjamin "Ben" Hunter

    [Tritary Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Penelope "Penny" Hunter

    [Secondary Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Susan

    [Handles Adult Situations + Nonhuman + Trauma Holder] | Age Slider 19-25 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Jaxon "Jax"

    [Insider] | 25 | He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Queenie

    [Reformed Persecutor + Trauma Holder] | Age Slider 12-13 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Cat Cat

    [Deals With Uncomfotable Situations + Nonhuman] | Age Unknown | She/Her, It/Its

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Melissa

    [Trauma + Memory Holder] | 6 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Flora

    [Unknown Role, Possibly Memory/Trauma Holder] | Age Unknown | She/her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Ivory

    [Protector] | 17 | She/Her, They/Them

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Ebony

    [Protector] | 17 | She/Her, They/Them

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Bug

    [Unknown Role] | Age Unknown | She/Her, He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Fairest

    [Unknown Role] | Age Unknown | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Integrated/Dormant System Members

    Flora, Snow

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