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And now the post about my rider, his name is Karston (or at least it sounds similar to this)
So what is the deal with him and me?
Before I can answer that, I must dive deep into what happened to me and my soul:
Hard to pick a point to start, but when I was 11 or so, I 'found' a book, I'm still searching in vain, because by now it's clear to me that this book doesn't really exist, well it does, but not here on Earth. And in it was a page that tells how the soul can be altered and such, this can get very long and maybe a topic for another blog post. For this scope: sufficient to say: That the species who I call my riders altered my soul, so it got easier to tame the Longma and I would bound with one or something like it. I wish I knew the full details myself.
Now on a young age, a Longma (that is me) soul bounds with a rider of the same age. Apparently the Longma and rider get around the same age as they die from natural causes. Or so it just happened to make sense to me when I 'asked' to Karston as to why this current bound exist in the first place. As it turns out did my life, as a Longma, end prematurely and this did something it seems.
Something went wrong and well the soul bound stayed and well... now I'm in a human body. This does have major impact on my current life, even when I try my best (well I've blocked all this for the past 10 years or so) to avoid it having impact. I just can't.
This is for two reasons: 1. Somehow Karston keeps visiting me from time to time, because he can't say goodbye and I think this soul bound somehow works two ways. And 2. For as long as I remember, I've this very heavy, that is also why I blocked it to begin with. I must say that the time I blocked it, I didn't really live life, as the only thing I did was survive and not feel one thing. Now everything is back, including myself.
But this is about the bound with my rider, not only me.
Back to the time I was a Longma:
I bound, and I think all Longmas did, with one and only one rider. We kind of chosen each other at an early age. When I was still a hatchling and he a little boy. This did grow out to becoming way more and to the point we kind of knew each other on a different level. I put 100% trust in him and he does the same.
I could write down all the things that happened and I do remember about this time, but well... it would make it so long without really contributing a thing to this blog.
I do want to write how my life ended, because this has apparently major impact on everything:
It was an unnatural death, I got paralyzed in my hind legs and well... and quadrupled animal isn't going to be happy when paralyzed an unable to walk or fly and well... an independent dragon wants to do things without help. I use the word independent and not solitary, because I was always a couple with my rider, he was never really gone. But that doesn't mean I can't do things myself.
Because also feelings are connected, he felt the distress it was causing me and my frustration about it. In the end, when everything was tried. Well looking to Earths current medical advancements, noting was tried really, but well... they weren't technically advanced, but more spiritually advanced. I would place the technically advancement on the same level as just before the steam machines on earth or maybe a bit more back. Way before the car.
In the end it was chosen to put me down and thus get me out of my frustrations.
And here something went wrong apparently as my soul got lost and ended up in a human body by accident: me.
Back to the human me right now:
I can still feel him saying sorry from time to time. Also he just visits me and pets me, he does know all the good spots afterall.
Another bit of information I learned today and well... kind of take with a grain of salt, until I can get more prove of it: a piece of my soul stayed there, the tame side, or at least a bit of it. I can confirm this because when I stopped blocking it, something did feel wrong, I was way too aggressive, almost wild at times... and this wasn't me. But this can also be because it was always there and well... the memories I've are from a trained Longma, not an untrained one, like me right now. I do believe that some parts go with me with the soul, but some parts stay behind and apparently the trained part got lost / stayed behind for some bits and pieces. At times things feel very natural and other times they simply don't. It's weird and this might shed some light on that, or not. I still try to figure that one out.
About a week ago, when thing really started to get out of hand, Karston did feel this and come to the rescue, even with me kind of wild, the soul bound runs deep, the same is for the trust I've in him. (Read more in my other blog post about my wings) but in short: At first he made a quick makeshift thing to get my wings bound, later he replaced this with something more sturdy and made for it. To install this he knocked me out, most likely to being able to really get to work. And apparently he can do that, knocking me out. Well it was more like forced sleeping.
What having my wings bound does mostly is returning me into a submissive state instead of a fierce Dragon, this somehow connects me with my tamed self way more and it helps. But only does so for so much, because a week later (around now) I start to get more angry with not being able to use my wings.
Also one think I've never understood is the need for me to wear a collar, it seemed to be out of the blue for me, but it wasn't because I've always 'known' as a Longma that I did wear one. But well I just do it and stop the need to worry about the why it's so important to me right now.
Another thing I never really understood, and still don't, is the need for mandatory mental shifts. Each and every day. I can do this in the night, same with the collar and well... somehow with both I wake up more rested than ever before. Also doctors couldn't find is to why I didn't wake up feeling refreshed, because I slept very good they didn't understand it. And right the first night I wear a collar, I wake up fully refreshed, I never had that before. But I also never slept with a collar before. This was three months ago and now every night I sleep with a collar and every day I stand up refreshed. And the one night I decided to not wear it, well guess what: I stand up feeling tired and later in the day an involuntarily mental shifts sets in and I could bare stop it and in the end I just needed to ride it out. As to why this is a thing at all, I wish I knew.
Before and almost everything he visits me, I can feel the sorry and need to apologize from him, apparently he messed up or something and could not forgive himself for something he did in the past, which most likely ended up with me in a human body.
I also have the feeling everything Otherkin related affects me way more than usual, but this isn't because I've found the community, I've found the community to get help on how to deal with everything.
I've literally no idea how to write all this down in a meaningful way, mostly because of half the stuff related to this I can't make sense of even for myself, let alone to put it into words for others to understand. But I try.
How do the interactions go between me and Karston? Well at times things just pop into my head and now I've an answer. Other times I get to relive a memory or something, this can either be adopted for this current body or in a 'dream' while having my Longma body. But mostly feelings, and those are, at times, very hard to decode with 100% certainly because they can mean so much. So most is fuzzy at best.
Also that one time with that book did tell me a lot of how things are the way they are for me.
What makes my bound with him so special? Well other than the stuff I already written down. Everything is as normal to me as everything else and there isn't really a way to distinguish the one from the other. So I can start to write down everything, but that wouldn't work. So I can really only try and pick out the stuff that is really not 'normal' and I do that, and this is really only the tip of the iceberg, because most things I can't really get into words myself.
Also, most likely because of the soul bound, when I can't sense him (and this happens a lot) I really feel alone and miss him a lot. There is nothing I can do about this, and I think he feels the same, because I really wants to help and visits me quite frequently. I can't see him, but feel him.
I did learn quite a lot about myself from him, so much that I also have quite a few life hacks already on how to deal with myself. And he helps me, whenever I want it or not, as with my wings for example.
I really have no idea on how to write more down, I do feel I miss quite a lot, but well... I can't really get something to write down, so there will be updates, I know for sure. Also because I will find out more and more about him and thus also about myself in a way.
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As a bird, I tend to get nesting and brooding urges around early summer or mid summer. From what I understand of it, my shifts have a tendency to be linked to the temperature. I always understand myself as an avian creature, but the behavior tends to pop up more often in high temp environnement.
Because of that, I'm unsure if my nesting and brooding instincts come up at the same time each time, or depend on the temperature that year, as those behavior are actually harder to catch than expected. This year I've been trying to journal when they start.
Amusingly enough, both my nesting and brooding instincts have kicked off aproximately at the same time than my bearded dragon this year. Did her incessant scratching and head bobbing provoke my own gotta scratch the dirt fit? Did I have it more on my mind because of her, with the quarantine making me more exposed to these behaviors?
She laid her eggs a few days after what I expect to be the start of the brooding phase, so this was an amusing coincidence.
I wonder if this is something other nonhuman have noticed.
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I've seen some stuff about the "silver elves", who are a couple of older elvenkin, and on their website there's a little questionnaire thing you can do, similar to the typical "what kind of elf are you" quizzes you'd find around, except you email them your answers and they'll respond with what tribe of elves they think you're from. It says on the website that they'll also give you what they think your elf name is; they didn't do that for me, and I'm sort of curious what they'd say and kind of want to respond and ask. I'm surprised they even responded tbh, but they responded within a couple of days! Really cool if you're an elf/questioning and want to do this out of curiosity, though I'd definitely take their answer with a grain of salt.
I filled out the questionnaire pretty detailed, and here's what they told me:
"You are of The Baryndi (pronounced: bear - ren - dye) packs of the Wicrore (why - crow - ree) tribe are elven folk who love the wooded mountains, especially among the oak trees, but they love all trees, and they often establish their villages there. This is especially true if these mountains rest near the ocean or sea. They love to wander from the mountains to the sea and back again or sometimes just sit upon the rocky outcroppings of their forested heights and watch the sun set over the ocean. The Wicrore refer to this combination of mountain, forest and sea as Paradise for their kind. And what is their kind?
Besides being elves, these elfae folk are deeply related to dogs and there is some sense that they may have been elf dogs, which is to say dogs that lived with the elven and were thus also considered to be elves, even though in dog form, by their humanoid elf companions. There is a sense that they have taken on more humanoid elfin form in the course of subsequent lifetimes, but that they still hold a deep sense of connection to the canine world in their hearts and souls. And since elves are frequently shapeshifters, they can return to their canine form whenever they desire to do so.
It is known by the elven, at least if not by all peoples, that we carry all of our previous evolutionary lives within us. Therefore, our lives as ravens, crows, dogs, wolves, cats or whatever, still exist within our soulful spirits and we are able to connect to those forms in our current lives. So it is that so many folk feel a close connection to this or that animal or sometimes several animals and some folks still resemble those animals even while they have moved on to humanoid bodies. Of course, some of them still act in many ways like when they were animal kind as well.
Also, such connections often dispose us to have companions in those particular animals forms in our current lives that we lived in our past lives. This serves to help our kindred who are currently manifesting as dogs or wolves and so forth as they are progressing through animal form in their evolutionary development.
Thus, most Wicrore villages have lots of dogs and sometimes wolves in them. But you will also find crows and other animals that the Wicrore elves strongly relate to and associate with. They have become magical familiars surely, but more than that they are viewed by the Wicrore as friends and kindred, often as younger brothers and sisters of evolution.
The Wicrore are a democratic society that elect their leaders for set terms of office, although usually the term is not arbitrarily set as in a specified length of time, but dependent upon specific tasks the individual was elected to complete. Once the individual has accomplished what they have been put in office to achieve, they then give up their office or, in some cases, are given another or further goal, depending upon their success in their previous mission.
In this way, those elected become very clear that they are hired by their society to work on certain projects and there never develops a sense that they are more important than the rest of their community. They are truly servants of their people.
In relationship to Mankind and the people of the normal world, the Wicrore have been quite shy for ages and have sought to avoid them as much as possible; however, with the Earth being in so much danger from pollution, these elfin folk have determined thems'elves to come out of hiding for a bit and do what they can to influence Men toward a better and more respectful attitude toward the Earth and the creatures that share this world with him (and her also, but Men unfortunately often tend to discount the women among them).
For the Wicrore look upon the Earth as a living being and protecting the Earth and all upon it is at the core of their spiritual beliefs and their dedication to their path. As the Wicrore say, Nature Is the Way.
While it is true that the Wicrore see thems'elves as originating from another Earth dimension, they note that all the realms are connected and see it as their duty to protect Nature on every plane and dimensional world. Ignoring harm to the Earth to them is like ignoring the fact that one's house is one fire. Whether one is in the house at the time or not, one still wishes to put out the fire.
In helping you to understand what sort of elf, pixie, fae or other you may be and what your tribe is ...
... it is important to understand that we are doing the best with the information you gave us. But it is also important to consider that while these Silver Elves may say that you are from this or that tribe or group, that your own people may have a different name for yours'elves.
This is not unlike the fact that people commonly speak of the Celts, but it is quite possible that Keltoi is a name that originally came from the Greeks and was later taken on by some of the Celtic peoples, in particular, of France that they called Galli or Gauls.
Similarly, the ancient Romans referred to Ireland as Scoti, and the Scottish where tribal folk who migrated from Ireland to what became known in time as Scotland and integrated with the Pictist, Pict-Sidhe, Pixies of that land, as well as with the descendants of some of the Viking folk who had settled there. But originally they called thems'elves by their tribal names and took on the name 'Scottish' later.
In more modern times, we can observe this phenomena in the fact that in the sixties and seventies there were folk who referred to thems'elves as 'freaks' and would let their long hair or 'freak flag' fly and who were called hippies by outsiders. Now, it is common for those who were freaks in those times to refer to thems'elves as 'old hippies'.
So again we say to you that the name we are giving you for your people is our name for them and you and yours may have another name for yours'elves and your tribe. Trust you intuition on this. What is truly important is for you to use the information we have given you to look deeply inside yourself and refine your own narrative of who you truly are. This is not meant to limit you in anyway but to help you expand your own understanding of your ancient heritage."
I feel like they just took what I said and made up an elf tribe and names for it, honestly. Everything they mentioned matches what answers I gave them. I even mentioned at the end that I'm a dog therian, and I was a bit surprised at the whole "elf dog" thing. Though, I only briefly mentioned it (and in the animal totem question I answered with canines and avians), as well as that I'm an orca, so it's funny how they say I'm of this elf race that is part canine, but haven't said anything about orcas, or the ocean beyond that my "tribe" lived near the ocean, I guess.
This is about what I expected, though. I didn't expect the answer to like, reveal something about me that I didn't already know, just give a possibly made up name based on my answers. (Sorry if I sound disrespectful, I'm just very skeptical.) I'm not sure how I feel about the elf dog concept tbh, I don't think my elf kintype (if I am an elf after all) is like, part dog. Maybe a shapeshifter, maybe had a connection to canines, something like that; but I really feel like my elf kintype and dog theriotype are separate entities. Like, in a way I feel like all my kintypes kinda merge together to make me myself but they're still separate if that makes sense??
Anyways, beyond that, I've just been thinking about this elf stuff some more and here are a couple things I really resonate with:
-I think my elf kintype lived in trees. Like, treehouses probably. Maybe moved later on to a castle or something, idfk, but I am very drawn to the idea of little elven treehouses. Or big ones.
-I've just been wondering if my elf kintype died young or something?? Because I can't imagine myself growing old. Or maybe my kind doesn't grow old, like gray hair and wrinkly. I guess psychologically it would make sense because I didn't have much of a childhood or teenagehood and on top of that I really believed for a while that I wasn't going to make it to like my mid twenties or anything, so the concept of physically growing old is weird to me, and kind of scary. Maybe it's just that, and I'm projecting that feeling onto my elf kintype and that's why I can't see my kintype in her later years. Maybe I'm psychologically an elf because I'm just a big nature nerd who has an uncanny connection to elven aesthetics and magic. Who knows?
Anyways yeah, as you can tell, I'm really leaning towards being an elf. I've been so afraid in the past of labeling my kintype unless I was absolutely sure because I'm terrible with figuring out my own identity, but honestly, I just feel like this makes a lot of sense and feels right, and the more I look into it, the more I really resonate with elves and can see myself being one. Still- I won't officially call myself an elf until I'm totally sure. I'll give it some time.
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I will start with these two, because they are by far, the most powerful. My heart will always say dragon, but my mind says angel. Perhaps it is both, and I need to choose one. I do not know. This was not a lucid dream, but still quite powerful. This first one was quite some time ago, at least 5 years or more. But is often at the top of my mind.
Please, I am not looking for a fight. This is my reason for avoiding the faith. I do not follow or take part in Abrahamic faith. Because I believe it has been pirated, defiled, fabricated... Generally a tree grafted with lies and alterations from a truthful root. That and, well. Eternal servitude is not my idea of a good time. But I still respect the faith like any other, being one that is agnostic. I truly want to believe it is possible.
I was a military service infantry ground unit holed up inside in a destroyed building. I want to say, but could be wrong, that we were losing our engagement. Amidst the chaos, I felt I needed to look skyward. So I did. There was an angel beckoning for me. I stared at the angel confused, because I could not fly. Despite knowing this, I made the attempt anyway out of sheer curiosity. With a bit of willpower, I flew toward the angel and followed it toward a sky island. Whether or not it is normally visible, I did not know. But I will assume that these islands are not visible nor tangible to normal space, and you need invited to interact with it or see it. It was as you expected, pearly white, golden accents, fountains of liquid(water? or manna? keep reading.)
I was greeted by three other angels. Now I called these angels out by name(not in this order), Gabriel, Michael, Raphael, Uriel. I did do a little research prior to this dream into archangels enough to know their names. There may have been some communication here, I do not remember. They soon later called over a seraphim. (Now, this actually scared me. Seraphim are the highest order of angels and communicating with one equated to communicating with God itself). It addressed itself as God then asked me(not in these words exactly, but this was the question) "What is it you desire?" Without too much thought, I answered, "Power." The seraphim held a bowl, then offered it to me. I gazed into the bowl, a gray liquid thick like nectar, laced with an enticing swirl of gold. I would assume this is manna. I went to drink the liquid, but I was stopped by a sudden waking. Confused, I laid down to go back to sleep. Soon enough I was back, exactly where I left of before waking. I drank the bowl then looked at the seraphim. The seraphim spoke, "Go talk to Peter." And that was the end of the encounter.
While still in the dream I awoke in a different version of my home. I got up, got ready to go for a walk. Then I, to my amazement was able to fly. So I flew along one of my streets. I came to a peculiar tree with wooden figures. (This is where it got quite cartoony, and I was soon to wake fully). I examined the different figures, and each were named with a particular saint. I got to Saint Peter, and then woke up.
I did a little research into Saint Peter, but did not know what to look for our how to use the information. So I shelved the idea for a later time hoping to find the right person in theology to identify it. Though to be honest, I didn't really seek out a theologian specifically(because I just now thought of the idea).
This is what I needed a break for. This one was recent, about a month or two ago. I was female for this dream, at least, female as the angel. I am not sure if I was female prior to becoming the angel. I stress that no names were said in this dream.
What happened prior to the climax is shrouded due to the gravity of the event. I was exploring an area with a team, friends or colleagues, I know not. Soon I was then in a hellscape as a female angel with a sword surrounded by thousands, tens of thousands, a lot of tortured souls. A large angel in the distance, from what I gathered this angel was quite malevolent yet maintained a pure angelic appearance. I believe I was moving toward this angel when I was stopped by a leonine figure. He stressed that I must fight him, that there was no other way. Now, the angelic vessel I was in, she greatly loved cats, and did not want to fight this character. Unfortunately, she was forced to kill the leonin. After the fight, she knelt by the fallen leonine figure, and wept. Now she was already feeling the the pain and sadness of the surrounding souls. Befelling a creature she held dear caused her much pain. She now then had a multiplier that was able to form all the grief into a power. But it required feeding her sword in order to do this. She began harvesting surrounding souls, weeping as she went. At this point I felt an extreme force in my heart(this is not medical condition related, at least, it seemed isolated to this dream. I can't seem to get a doctor visit at this time). Once the sword was satisfied, she then gathered all of that grief and channeled it into the sword. Becoming a half-daemon, half-angel hybrid. Maintaining complete control over the gathered grief. Before she unleashed the vengeance upon the larger angel, I woke up with my heart feeling as if were literally on fire. (I otherwise felt fine and no danger to my health was apparent, but I'm still seeking a professional opinion). I stood up, and walked around the house, crying.
Writing this, my heart became warm. To say the least, I have no words for what I felt. But if I were to exaggerate, it felt like a thousand suns.
And there you have it. Entry #1. I still argue that I'm a dragon. But, an angel is not all that bad. (still becoming a dragon, if not dragon/angel hybrid)
EDIT 1: Fixed the "back at home" scene from walking to flying.
EDIT 2: Included second dream. Fixed faith argument.
So, as a Sanguinarian vampire, I have this problem. I'm really hungry (i don't know if this is the correct term for it) for blood but I can't get any. It's getting to the point where I'll unconsciously start nomming on my wrist. I don't know what to do. I just recently started having blood cravings, and am doing a confusion. Any ideas?
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I've sort of developed a self-conscious rule for myself and my own experiences that I am not allowed to associate myself with creatures or communities I can identify with if I am not technically one of them. The easiest example I can think of is my involvement with avians and therianthropes: as a mountain banshee, I do experience traits that are heavily birdlike and once led me to falsely identify as a Terran bird. As I am not technically a bird, I felt I was no longer welcome in spaces for and by birds. Its as if I've somehow started believing the black-and-white view of nonhumanity that I see kids on Instagram or Amino share and it has only really recently begun to unravel.
Whenever I experienced traits that could be likened to an Earth species or mythical species, I always felt a bit uneasy discussing them with said species. I suppose I didn't want to intrude on their 'space', but then again, why should I join a community if I am not willing to go and find those I relate to? I'm not sure if I fear being rejected or cast aside like I have done before, but even today I worry about overstepping a boundary or outstaying my welcome. I'm so used to being told I am 'not really one of [us]' and it still manages to affect my will to hit the 'reply' button in many cases.
Despite being a banshee, I do feel like a bird. Despite being a predacon, I do feel like a dragon.
It's a strange thing I've gotten myself into but I am slowly teaching myself that traits are not inherently owned by one species or another and can be shared by many beasts, related or not. Convergent evolution is a thing in nature, why can't it be one in the world of nonhumanity?
So the friend I was reading stories to has left me. He was starting to fall for me, but I've already found someone, so he thought it best if he left to avoid getting hurt. I understand why he left, but it still hurts. He was a good friend. I miss him. I have a very strong fear of abandonment so losing friends really messes me up. I think his feelings will fade in time, but it might not be for a while. If he found someone else, his feelings for me may fade, but hes had bad luck trying to meet anyone.
My new guy is great. I actually feel happy for the first time since my ex left me. Hes so good to me. He calls me his good girl and that just makes me grin and giggle like an idiot. Hes into the DD/lg stuff which is exactly what I've been looking for. Hes so good for me and I really hope this one lasts. He doesn't have the issues my ex had, my new guy is totally fine with me talking about him as long as I don't share personal information. I can share his first name, its Aaron. And I can talk about our relationship or little facts about him and hes totally fine with that. My ex left me just for mentioning what time he went to bed.
The biggest issue is distance. I'm in Missouri, hes in North Carolina. I plan to visit him once the pandemic is over. I just gotta save enough for the trip. Theres some things I need or order online, and I wanna try to set aside $400 for my trip to visit him. I just hope I don't spend it before the pandemic ends. I hope it ends soon. Hes so sweet and wonderful and he make me so happy. He knows about my headmates and my marriage to Nate, he knows I'm otherkin, and while he doesn't share my beliefs, he respects that I have them. Hes also atheist and I'm Christian and we're both fine with that. I don't push my beliefs on other people, and he respects that I have beliefs.
I just got my prepaid card in the mail today and I'm going to WalMart this weekend, so I can load it then. Then I can start ordering all the things I need. Theres a lot of little things I want to order. The most expensive thing is the new WoW expansion which is like $60. Thats if I want the mount. Its like $50 if I just buy the basic expansion. I dunno if I want the mount or not. I'd never use it, but I do collect them. I don't have the game time to play right now anyway, but I may see how much I have left once I've bought everything else, then buy a few months of game time if I can afford it. Then I'd just spend those few months running old raids to make gold to buy game time with. Thats why I quit playing, cause all I was doing was running old raids and it was boring. But we will see what I have left after I take care of things. As long as I still have around $400 to set aside to visit Aaron.
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Lately I’ve noticed some changes in my behavior regarding my nonhuman side. I’ve been expressing different behaviors that almost seem to belong to a different species than just wolf. I’ve been getting more phantom shifts, but they’re different than usual. I have twisted horns that point forward a bit, my wolf ears have disappeared and instead my human ears have become pointed. My tail has become a bit shorter and silkier, and my canines have become short and razor sharp on only the top row of teeth. My eyes have blackened out except for my iris, which has turned to an almost glowing shade of purple, any my outer eye has gained a red streak under each, which glow in the night. An almost star shape has appeared on my face on both sides. What’s happening to me? Is my species changing, or is this the doing of someone else? I don’t know for sure, but one thing I do know is that I may well have become more powerful than ever before. I can feel a strange aura spreading out from within me with every breath. But now I think I can confirm all of these strange happenings with one thing. Dreams. Though it sounds normal because so many others learn about themselves through dreams, this was definitely more than a piece of information learned through means of simply watching what plays out or taking control and becoming lucid. This was a memory. A memory straight from what I believe could be my true form, though physically I may be human, looks can be deceiving. As I said before my behavior has changed rapidly. My sense of adventure and navigational skills have skyrocketed, my sense of smell and hearing have been enhanced to an extent, but they were already extremely sensitive. Something inside me has told me to cut my hair short, which may seem normal; but for someone who’s been growing out their hair for thirteen years and hates haircuts to suddenly get their overwhelming urge to cut it all off is very strange for me. My tail is almost constantly moving, but not to the rhythm of my emotions like it used to. Instead it moves to the magical flow around me, shaking violently around anything dangerous or human, and staying perfectly still when I’m asleep. I’ve been trying to find out who or what I am, though it’s clear this can’t be anyone else’s soul but my own. I’ve looked into different types of werewolves, but none matched my experiences so I turned to the elven community, still nothing. I’ve then realized something incredible.... I may not be a species known by man or animals(plants, insects, etc) alike. I may not even be a species.... maybe I’m just nothing, yeah, that works. Until I figure out what I am and if there’s anyone else like me in this world I will remain unclassified. This aspect of me actually lines up with my general identity as well. I identify as a genderfluid kin, so in other words I’m under the non-binary umbrella. Nothing, no gender, no kingdom no phylum or forum. Who am I? I don’t know yet, but hopefully if I embrace these new traits I will learn more about myself and what I am.
*This image was created using charat.com, I did not draw this*
So, I'm going to start with this: I don't intend to put anyone down or force my beliefs on anyone else. These are just my own thoughts on the subject and I do NOT hate or condemn anyone who doesn't agree with me.
So, I feel like, more-so now that everyone's quarantined, and even just in general, there's a lot of negativity going around. And, I don't mean toxicity, or malice towards others, but more along the lines of: people feel more alone now than ever and they're beginning to close themselves off from others, and some feel like they've lost their way or that they're losing hope. And, watching this, it really hurts. My heart goes out to these people and I don't know how I'm supposed to help. I give words of encouragement without forcing my beliefs on them. But, I truly believe that people just don't know that the piece they're missing can be filled. They won't stop hurting over night, and everything won't magically get better. But, at the very least, I want people to know that someone loves them and that, if they're feeling hopeless, there's someone they can turn to.
Yes, I know a lot of people have been hurt by christians and that a lot of people claim to be christians, but act in terrible, horrible ways. I know that everyone has their own reasons for what they believe, but I just want to put it out there.
The christian God (the God I believe in), doesn't want anything from anyone. You don't have to do anything to earn his love, and he will never hate you no matter what you do. He is all loving. I truly believe that. No matter what you are, therian, otherkin, lgbtq+, or anything else, God still loves you. And I know a lot of christians will say contrary to that, I know a lot of people have been hurt and put down by christians who say exactly the opposite of what I just said. But, God is a god of Love. He is just, but, because of Jesus, he erases all sins.
If you're struggling for a path or just don't know what to do anymore, it doesn't hurt to pray and it costs you nothing to pray.
And, at the end of the day, no matter what you decide, I'll be praying for you. If you ever want to talk or need someone to vent to, I'll be here to listen and, if you want, I can do my best to give you advice.
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This blog-space is for entries related to Luno.
General Information and Appearance
First name: Luno | Surname: ?
Language spoken: English
Weight: 120 lbs
Eye colour: Black sclera, no visible Iris (besides a possible dark grey) with dark red pupils. Pupils are shaped like a "broken heart" and tend to emit a black, liquid substance like tears.
Distinguishing features: His tail is wrapped in a chain that connects to a "collar-like" device on his neck. The tip of his tail is a long, IV-needle like shape. Horns are curved similar to a ram on the sides of his head, his ears in the center of the curl.
Build of body: Skinny Mesomorph
Hair colour: Black
Hair style: Feminine, wavy hair kept short besides side swept bangs that are kept longer in length for the natural waves.
Typical clothing: Lots of loose, revealing clothing. Shorts, crop-tops, thigh-highs. As long as it's minimal and comfortable he tends to wear it.
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Currently I have not felt real inspired to write further about my experiences leading to where I am today, the period of life going from college onward was complex and I have never put it into writing before. I saw Amber's profile change about reading Jung's Map of the Soul, so I picked up Murray Stein's introduction on it and thus far it has been very interesting to delve into a psychological view rather than a specifically spiritual one.
My first encounter with significant handling of the ego was with Zen, Buddhism, and other Eastern mystical and philosophical writings. In these traditions, the ego is considered to be something that should be annihilated as a way to either escape suffering (in the case of Buddhism) or in other Eastern thought to become one with the cosmic whole and instead of seeing things through an individual perspective of self, as a complete unity. Jung rejects this idea, and considers the ego the central point of the psyche. He also does not support the idea of the psyche being part of a greater whole, but unique and separate to each being. He considers the ego to be a prerequisite to studying consciousness at all, though also confesses that it is equally a limitation due to its inherent biases and assumptions. In his own words, Jung defines the ego as follows, "It forms, as it were, the centre of the field of consciousness; and, in so far as this comprises the empirical personality, the ego is the subject of all personal acts of consciousness." In other words, the ego is one's experience of oneself as a center of willing, desiring, reflecting, and acting, a sort of mirror that reflects psychic content so that it can see itself and become aware, which is essentially the basis for consciousness itself, awareness. Furthermore, it is the ego that draws upon the unconscious and brings it into view for manipulation and examination in the conscious realm, however consciousness itself is actually a broader category than the ego alone. I will say from personal experience it is possible to exist consciously and depart from the ego, particularly in concentrated meditation, though ultimately I have found there is still a return to the ego. While I do believe that the ability to do this is profitable, as a being that continually refines its own ego through trying to annihilate or otherwise consume it, I find it dubious at best if this is even truly possible or for that matter even worth doing. Individuality is part of what makes the universe interesting to observe and take part in and I think what is more worth while is purifying it into something admirable. On the other hand, I find the Buddhas to be quite interesting to interact with also, and I respect their accomplishment in something unique and special as far as human attainment goes.
When you start to get into the territory of therians and otherkin, the concept of the ego gets a little more interesting than the scope of Jung's work, at least if we are to take the spiritual assumptions of past and/or future lives. I think we would be delusional to assume that the current state of our ego does not include humanity as a part of itself for the time being, even if at the core of our ego we are in fact something else. I think the more correct assumption would be rather than the ego of a typical human being that is purely human in nature, we retain at least some previous (or future) aspects of a former/future ego. It is a very fascinating concept as it also suggests that such a being has demonstrated an immortal aspect of their soul, or at least a higher level of awareness than most other beings regarding the eternal nature of their soul as it passes from one form of existence to the next. It is what I might consider to be a more evolved ego that has an inherent, though not complete, resistance to the amnesia effect associated with passing from one existence to another. I would posit that deeply buried within the unconscious is stored all past and perhaps even future lives, however this remains inaccessible to most egos. Additionally, those who are part of systems (something new that I discovered on this forum!) make rather interesting examples as it would seem they possess multiple egos within the same psyche.
This then brings me down to my own self examination of the ego. While the forms I listed on my first entry are all an important part of me, I think that in the end each of them is just a face and not a core part of my actual ego. Each of them may express different elements that are derived from my ego, and being the ego itself is more complex than any individual one of the faces it makes sense that there are multiple ones, however, at the core the ego embodies something distinct from any of the faces or any of the previous incarnations that I may have taken. The ego ultimately boils down to that single statement, "I am that I am." And that "I am" exists in a sort of nirvana that experiences all things at once both positive and negative and yet is not moved by any of those experiences. It retreats from words and concepts and ideas and prefers a primal state that is neither truely existing as anything nor not existing as anything. It takes a very passive outlook on things, completely removed and yet acts as an invisible, yet integral part of everything else. Even the form of the small fiery orb is still just a form of a face, something unnecessary and extraneous. The deeper I go into it, the less even the things Jung states tangibly form around the ego such as desire and thought and action and feeling fade away. Yet as everything fades away a spark ignites and there is again the ever burning flame. I can feel it is waiting for something, but what is it waiting for?
These aren't memory logs like my other entries, but specifically related to my astral projection experiences. I've only had two successful ones so far.
It's a weird story. I was dreaming and there was this fox I was raising in my house, but it grew up and was like...a spirit fox with weird glowy markings. It told me to close my eyes and a bright light transported me to a different dream where I was on a beach, but it was confined inside a cube where the walls and ceiling were the sky. (Like a diorama but real?)
I could do stuff related to Ammy in it, like fly and loop around with full control for the first time (normally I can only fly backwards). After that I woke up for about a second, then falling back asleep and getting a strange feeling where I would sink and float into the bed, and I started rolling.
It scared me a bit the first time (because I thought I would fall out of the bed) so I woke out of it, then immediately back into it where I kept rolling until I was somewhere dark. Then I got that static feeling on my whole body before focusing on the light and I got the creepy noises/images flying past me.
After all of that, I was in this galaxy/starry place. The ground was black and starry too, but was covered about 3 inches deep in this liquid (I'm guessing water) but it wasn't wet? I could do stuff I couldn't before, like the thing where you can conjure things on command (I saw wing arms for the first time, and a tail)
There was also this portal/door ahead of me, but I didn't get to go through it. I guess I lost focus since I woke up in my bed a few minutes later, before I could attempt actually becoming a dragon or anything.
This time I got the sinking/floating feeling again, then "peeled" away from my body. Then I drifted towards the ceiling and I could actually see myself sleeping on the bed. I felt kinda ghost-like at first, but I was able to get my bearings and feel the carpet and stuff.
Then I went outside and tried shifting again, and it worked...kinda? I had to focus on one part at a time, like the snout, horns, then my legs, etc. I wasn't able to fully be a dragon though, maybe like 70%? I could see my hand turn into a dragon hand (mostly just the fingers), but it was slow and would revert unless I focused again. Having different shaped limbs felt weird, but I got used to it pretty fast?
I was able to learn more about Ammy based on the partial shift though! My body was definitely "S" shaped, and I was primarily a fast runner (I think it was similar to a gallop). I tried growing my wing arms again, but it only worked halfway so the membranes were really short. The way it connected to my body kind of reminded me of a flying squirrel?
I mentioned in a status update that I have a youtube channel called Kinversation. It’s a channel where I talk about Otherkin related topics and even some other non-Otherkin related stuff like furries or other communities and stuff. I’ve taken it in a new direction where I’m making scripted video essays rather than just going improv cus I have a tendency to ramble. Should I make a blog about it? Like behind the scenes or topic suggestions or posting new uploads? Is that something you would be interested in?
In other news I’m not sure what to talk about on this blog next. Got any suggestions? There’s just so much to talk about, spirituality/mythology, psychology, culture, pack dynamics, I don’t know where to go next! Maybe I can make posts answering questions about the species or something. If you have any questions you’d like answered as a blog post make a comment!
Also here’s my channel if anyone is interested: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoBTDG9eNVnAzuex2l3yz2w
I also have another channel but it’s my gaming (and other random stuff) channel. It’s called Apíkira Vampirí.
I think that’s all I got for today. Auva!
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It's currently 11:12 in the morning as I write this, I haven't had breakfast yet, and I am still very tired. So it's very likely that this will not be the best blog entry I ever write. But this subject has been on my mind recently, and I really wanted to explore this particular experience of mine in a place where people can ask me questions or gently correct me when I am wrong. Kinmunity seems like as good a place as any to discuss this with respectable, like-minded individuals, so without further ado, here are some classic lengthy rambles from yours truly
Fictionflickering As I Understand It
A fictionflicker is the experience that one undergoes after consuming a piece of fictional media, whether that be a book, movie, TV show, video game, or something else. The experience is similar to and indeed draws from the psychological phenomenon "experience taking," where a person, non-kin or otherwise, begins to feel like a character from the fiction they have just immersed themselves in. Experience-taking happens more easily if the person is less reminded about their own individual identity as they read/watch. Essentially, being able to lose yourself in a story means you're that much more likely to adopt the character's behaviors and thought patterns as your own, if however temporarily. The word fictionflicker, as I understand it, was coined to take "experience taking" to the otherkin level. Basically, if one feels they are a fictional character, whether through a shift, memories, or just a vague sense that they are, and if that temporary identity is important enough to them, one could identify themself as a fictionflicker. This post from tumblr does a better job explaining it than me, so check out that link if you want more information on fictionflickers.
What It Means For Me
I identify myself as a fictionflicker because this experience-taking goes to the next level for me. I feel like I literally become that character (or a similar character that evolves on its own in my head) as I immerse myself in the story. I have memories, strong emotions, and an easily imagined universe that all these experiences feel to have taken place in. It's as if they all happened to me--and in fact, if just for a short time, they did happen to me. Whether it's a form of "cool psychological phenomenon taken too far" or just my empathy levels and unhindered imagination running off into the sunset together to create these temporary fictional identities, they feel real to me, and I personally consider them to be as valid as any other fictionkin identity. Mine are simply temporary in nature (although they can be reoccurring, which makes them difficult to separate from actually being fictionkin, as I anguish about in this post).
I am still very new to using the fictionflicker term as an official identifier for myself, and as such I am likely to get some things wrong. If I do, please politely let me know either in the comments or in PM. And I'll conclude here with a couple questions for anyone who's read this far:
- Would you like it if I uploaded individual blog entries pertaining to the different 'flickers I take on, and any thoughts I had surrounding those experiences?
- Do you personally consider fictionflickers to be just as valid as fictionkin? Why or why not?
Thanks for reading.
So I happened to be talking to a godkin on amino a few days ago. To be honest I'm not entirely sure how Godkin works, especially when you practice things like Wicca. I wasn't real sure where to post this. Whether as a blog or a Q and A so I'm posting it as a blog and I'm sorry if I'm doing it wrong. Any way When I was talking with them I also googled Godkin.
During this whole time I started to wonder how common or rare Godkins were and were there any out there that identified as the same god. It also made me question an experience I had quite a few years ago. and the fact that I have always been comforted by the name 'Artemis' even when I was a child and didn't know who or what Artemis was. It was always just a name that was present in my mind. So I'm going to tell you about the incident I had.
It was quite a few years ago but I still remember it. I went to the channel where I always did because it was quiet and secluded. I've always felt a little awkward doing my practice around others. I sat down on a rock beside the water and just slowed my breathing as I was going to do some water gazing. For those of you who don't know what water gazing is its basically the simplest form of scrying using water.
In this case I wasn't really asking any question I was just staring at the water and letting whatever come to me if it so chose. Which it did.
The first thing I saw was a beautiful woman with long hair in a beautiful flowing gown. Almost immediately afterwards I saw a hinds or a stags. I'm honestly not sure which. It surprised me but I also felt so calm, and, at peace. It was almost like the very images were beckoning me to join them. If that makes any sense.
The last thing I saw was a female archer taking aim. At what I can't say for certain but the bow and arrow seemed like they were pointed at me. At the time I felt like it meant that I should stay focused on my studies in Wicca and my path. But now I'm staring to wonder if I had been wrong and that it in fact meant something else entirely. Anyone have any insight or am I just reading too much into something?
This blog post will be a long one, and it has been very difficult to write. As @Red-in-Tooth likes to state, a thorough, honest and relentless analysis of one's self is needed to really grasp the true nature of one's identity, the true self. I would like to consider this post a part of that analysis. I'm about to describe what seems to be a core part of me, which is inherently non-human by any standards. There is great agreement amongst serious otherkin that you cannot choose your kintype (or, to this end, your personal identity), and more than often you wouldn't like everything about it. Well, I'm not sure the word "like" is at all applicable to what I've found. Many humans would see it as as a monster that needs to be fought against, and I'm calling it such although I know that the term doesn't do it justice. "God" or "Demon" also don't really seem to fit, and "celestial draconic spirit" is somewhat lengthy. Maybe "dragon" would be the best alternative.
I've described this a few times before, lastly back in October. It is something I attribute to the celestial/draconic part of me, a part that is usually hidden in the sea of unconscious but now was explored, thus feels more like some part of my consciousness that is light years afar. It's something I only find when I delve down deeply into my psyche, in what resembles a deep mental shift. A recent discussion on Discord and - ironically to an even greater extent - the current Corona crisis has triggered further thoughts on it. Thoughts that are the continuation of a psychological analysis of what probably is the most interesting part of my identity. I already found that it is influencing my everyday thinking to a much greater extent than I realized.
Dragons, in human eyes, are supposed to be downright monsters. Alas, I call myself a monster this time. But it's not a monster like Godzilla or something. It does not seek destruction, it is not good or evil by any human standards. If I'd want to put it in a nutshell, it feels like personified life and nature, with all beauty and terror it entails. This monster feels a deep, deep connection
to all that naturally exists, to the extent that it feels one with all. But on the other side, it does not see death as something bad. It would walk though a hospital aisle, see people dying and... smile. Maybe it would strive over a battlefield and smile, like a divine being who is way beyond death. It will do nothing at all to help, it will not interfere in any way. Because it knows that death is part of it all. As long as death is natural or a matter of in-species struggle, it will feel no regret, no pain, no sorrow, but an incredible amount of love and confidence in the beauty and balance of the endless circle of life, knowing what's happening is neccessary.
Now this may sound beautiful for some, but do you realize just how terrible that is for the human eye? In its purest form, this entity knows no compassion for individuals, not a single bit of what is normally called "humane", just like you couldn't expect these characteristics from nature itself. Still it feels endless love for life as a whole. All it strives for is watching over natural diversity and balance. Hence, if this entity sees someone meddling with and fighting against nature, like humans unfortunately do, it seems it would at least get very sad - or, what's much worse, go completely berserk. This doesn't happen easily, but if, then this monster would strike back at an attacker like only a natural disaster could. It would burn down anything in its path, mercyless, delving in its own power, and create a new basis for life restarting. At the same time, it would be sad, watch its own doing and shake its head in despair, because variety and balance would be lost in order for a new balance to flourish.
Now, what I called "it" is nothing else but the monster, the dragon I seem to be. And I have to realize that this deep self of mine is absolutely incompatible with human-level moral. It does not at all fit into society. Yet it is not at all evil, neither god nor devil. It loves life, it embodies the energy that makes up life, it loves to see life flourish, and it embraces everything that's needed to make it flourish including death and destruction, if need be. It's a fire as bright as a light in the darkest night can be. It's unshakably confident and insanely empathic and emotional, it's friendly and benevolent but still it does not know or understand humbleness, charity, romance or human-level love. It's outrageous and ambiguous to the human eye.
I can't describe it better at this time. I feel this might be the part of me that remains when everything else fades. Is this the real reason I was always hiding myself? Did I instinctively know that I needed to hide myself in order not to be excluded from a society I wanted to learn about? In any case, it seems to be something I can neither deny nor control, as it is far stronger than the "conscious I", to use a term from analytical psychology I currently try to learn about. It's like the core of a non-human self that just exists, without me being able to make a choice about it. What's stunning is that it didn't even need a mental shift to find out and conclude the above; it was only a matter of analysing how the nature of that self influences my conscious thoughts in the time of crisis we're currently living through. It's been showing itself in so many ways throughout my life, like a neural network that spans my whole being and is truly in control.
Hence, I can now say without any doubt that I am fundamentally non-human. I invite anyone reading this to leave their impression in the comments, because I'm more than open to discuss and eager to learn more.
I'm going to use this post to journal dreams, because I can.
April 12, 2020: I was forced to take a test about music in order to leave a building I was being held captive in. If I did not complete the test in time, or failed to get a high enough score, I would be impaled. I had 2 hours, measured by a timer locked to my wrist. The problem was, there were several others also taking this test, for the same reasons. The test givers ran out of copies. They promised to print me a copy, and that my timer wouldn't be started until they gave me the new copy. But they started to screw around instead of getting the new copy of the test, and my timer had started anyway. I decided to try and print the test myself, but the printer wouldn't cooperate, and instead printed off several copies of someone else's finished test. I realized, while looking at it, that the answers were mostly nonsense. I asked the test givers again if they would get me a copy, and this time, they said I was on my own to figure it out. I began searching for the test template. I couldn't find it. One hour had already passed, and most of the others were starting to finish. I yelled at the test givers. "Damn it, I'm going to be IMPALED!" They looked at each other and laughed. "Haha, you're not getting impaled! That was a joke. Here's the test." They finally gave me a copy, and I sat down to start...and then the timer went off. Excuse me? The test givers laughed again, and a guy busted down the door with a large sharpened pole. "This whole test was a joke!" I looked at them. What? "You're getting impaled!" The dream ended with a bunch of the "test takers" from before circling me and the guy positioning the pole towards me. I just said "aw man" and the dream ended before I got impaled.
So, I'm thinking about kinning with angels. I say this like it's a choice, but I've just been having a lot of dreams and mental images of myself as an angel. Sometimes they'll randomly pop into my head, and they are quite vivid. My angel's name is Auden. He is a tan male with almost curly, golden hair that shines best when in the sun. He has large, heavy, white wings that are very structured and often flies through roofless buildings. I recollect a lot of memories of playing a song on a harp to lull other angels to sleep and laughing freely in the sky, but also of crushing my wings when I fall and hit pavement or someone crushing my leaf headdress under their foot. It all hits directly at something in me and makes me want to scream. Sometimes I can still feel the ghost of my strong wings flapping, taunting me like phantom limbs. I have such a connection to him like metal bonding with metal. I know I belong in the sky and in the clouds, not here.
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I think I’ve said before (that’s a lie, I know I have. I just did) that kit fox is my most dominant kintype. This isn’t really true… it’s just my “main” one. It’s the one I default to when people ask me my kintype, because it’s the one I’ve known about for the longest. My constructed appearance in the community is that of a kit fox. I list it first in every section of a form or bio asking for my kintypes. It’s comfortable, it fits like a worn-down hoodie. Calling myself a fox just comes naturally to me. But that’s only because I’ve been calling myself a fox since 2016. Because in terms of shifts… it’s not “dominant” at all.
It is on equal footing, regarding frequency and strength of phantom shifts, as my raven kintype and sometimes even takes a back seat to the avian in me. Dream shifts are always raven (or fictotype). And kit fox m-shifts are rare. Granted, all m-shifts are rare for me (that’s something I should talk about in a future blog post), but m-shifts, on the odd occasions that they do happen unprompted, are usually raven.
And that’s just my theriotypes. If you want to talk about all of my ‘types… I think I might have said somewhere that my fictotypes aren’t as central to my identity as my theriotypes and I hold to that, but I have to admit that I have way more mental shifts (or for a more accurate term that probably doesn’t exist, emotional shifts) as my fictotypes than my theriotypes. (Sidenote, I do in fact have phantom fictotype shifts. They’re a very interesting feeling for certain ones, and a bit of a fun puzzle to me as a psychological fictionkin.) And Alphonse is absolutely at the forefront in that respect. Even without shifting, just in my personality and within my day-to-day life.
So I present myself as a kit fox everywhere and I probably talk about it more than my other ‘types (especially ficto… I never talk about my fictotypes, I think this is the most I have ever written about them. I’m trying to be less insecure about them so maybe I’ll write more on them later), but just let it be known that that is not all I am. It’s not even most of what I am.
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Yes, I'm alive.
I often visited this site as a guest, because I have the habit of only reading the forums and not really contributing anyway.
However, I'm going to leave this account on an hiatus and will retreat from the community. It has nothing to do with the people, but with me.
You see, for the last nearly two years now I was researching in all kind of forums, chatrooms, books and websites about otherkin and later kith. I do think I belong here.
However, this search was not only connected to the wish of explaining my strange experiences with phantom shifts and past live dreams/ visions and my soul feeling as it doesn't quite belong here. It was also the searching for a deeper understanding of myself: of my souls purpose, of this life's purpose.
I recently learned and accepted, I don't have a purpose in this life.
All my past lives -and I had many- had spent their live in servitude and captured in one purpose, which I completed and now am free. I'm here to redefine myself.
There's no wrong or right thing to do to for me, because I have no wrong or right anymore.
That's why my memories are so faint, my personalities so faint and I'm not quite able to gasp what creature I had been. I'm a new blank page, that had been turned over. The reward to what I've done. So searching out the past is nothing but an old habit for me, one I don't need to practice anymore. And I won't.
I want to thank you for all the support I got, you guys are seriously amazing, kind and welcoming and I really hope all of you may find what you are looking for.
A deep bow, big hug, pat and a kiss
No matter how much I think on it, or how many times I will myself to dream it, I can’t remember what it’s like to transform to my vehicle mode.
It was part of our nature. It was intrinsically what made us a unique race (though, of course, we weren’t the only ones that could transform.) I did it so many times: while I survived, while I had fun, while I did anything really. I feel frustrated not having even an inkling of what it was like to transform.
I told a friend once that it probably felt like extreme yoga/ contortion, but that’s just not right. I know it’s not the right explanation, but it’s the closest I could get to explaining it to her in a way that made sense to humans.
Somehow I still haven’t had a dream of transforming. I’d really love if I could.
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I haven't been here and elsewhere again, as usual when I get caught up in certain things. But this drawing caused a stir in me....so if I found myself on the forums, I had to post this journal. It was important.
Allendria had stepped heavily into my life changed it- it had become more focused, mixed feelings with understanding. I've come to walk in her pawsteps. Her aura of indigos intertwined with my shades of purples, not quite an overtake but enough to leave a clawed print. I'm not sure how it started off--perhaps she wanted control but became more diplomatic and settled into a deep emphatic understanding.
It was a strong unwavering urge that drove me to find about the species of my soul- as I made clear in my awakening post. I write and draw for my inner zhuard, and to depict my dimension and those in it. It's an internal drive in part by Allendria as well...and I think I've drawn her--me-- here with my rawest presentation.
It's a deep connection, and it becomes hard to describe for some (for writing purposes and retelling my visions/memories, I will speak of Allendria in the third person often. She still is an individual but we're quite melded enough for me to be comfortable in a saying 'me'...she's NOT a alter/headmate or what have you. She is not an external force).
Regardless, I can only share how powerful that bond is through my art and writings- and for some particular pieces moreso than others. Hopefully for those that see it they can understand that it's not just a pretty piece....it's my livelihood, it's my soul, my visions.
I knew my art style was going to take a turn, and I cannot quite describe how, but I think I'm just being mindful and very in tune with my zhuard self. Though even my past life as a wolf I remember such beauty of nature, so that definitely helps. I'm very proud with how this turned out in several ways, given the above. I've been trying out a few things here, updated some custom stuff. I really really had fun doing the background and am happy to draw more ones like it. Of course, time allowing. But in general even my sketches seem a little different to me, in a good way! I still have a few things in the works, no rush on those.
Some would call it a pipedream I suppose- mainly because zhuards do not exist in this dimension, or are "too large" (disbelief seems to soar if a creature is bigger than a human I've found in many cases). The feeling is far too deep ad ingrained in me. It has been for years and will continue to be. Eight years ongoing.
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[Sorry for my bad translation, I'm French and I use Google Translate]
[All photos are mine]
It all started in 2016.
Passionate about badgers, I managed to contact a famous French ethologist specializing in the behavior of badgers. Getting a response by mail was like a dream.
He gave me the contact of a colleague, whom we will call Sophie.
She gave me an appointment on Compiègne (forest near Paris) to study badgers with her for three days.
Sophie guided and accompanied me during this stay, she is also more than passionate (and incredibly nice) badgers!
This experience was exceptional!
Walks in the forest far from the path, traces of the passage of animals, burrows, caves, nocturnal walks lit by the moon and the infinity of stars. I felt more animal than ever. During the hunt, I shivered with impatience at the sight of the animals pointing the tip of their snout. I was there, a badger among the others.
I was at home.
I had never seen animals so ready! Deer, foxes, hares, bats, etc. and of course, badgers! It was incredible and fabulous!
Frankly, I regularly go to the Zoo, I assure you that it is not at all the same feeling of easily seeing animals in captivity as waiting without moving / talking, with just the sound of birds and the smell of forest, it's a lot the desired animal makes its appearance. It's breathtaking!
I learned so much, recognizing the hairs where animals were scratching, footprints, droppings, skulls and the skeleton.
At the shelter, I was able to take care of a sick hedgehog, take it in my arms, weigh it, change its litter box and feed it. As the hedgehog was only a small one, I was allowed to have some contact with him to stimulate him.
There were also two badgers (almost adults) in the shelter. When I saw them, my heart seemed to have stopped beating. They were beautiful, brown hair and a little plump.
Seeing Sophie being able to pet them / playing with them / giving them the bottle made me a little jealous at first, but I know that if I touched them, I risked getting used to the human being (which shouldn't all happen).
All the same, it is difficult enough to see the members of our species and not to be able to come into contact with them ... I was quite frustrated to have them a few meters from me and not to be able to approach them. ..
I could learn a lot about them, I didn't know they were also playful, cuddly and talkative.
One day something incredible happened:
Sophie gave the bottle to the smallest badger (Anaba). The other one started to sniff the air: he had spotted me. I stopped moving, I slowed my breathing ...
The badger approached me, still sniffing, then climbed the small door of the hutch.
I saw him within 20 cm of me. He was looking at me directly. Then he started to giggle, looking at me.
As I did not move, he returned to drink his bottle.
I suspected it a little but Sophie confirmed it to me: the way he looked at me and squeaked meant that he considered me as his elder (see like this mom) and that he wanted me to caress him and play with him!
It was very surprising, I don't believe in reincarnation but it really touched me…
In addition, as we got along very well with Sophie, I think I come back to see her regularly to redo carts etc.
She also proposed me future projects because she likes my badger drawings!
It is my heart filled with happiness that I share my experience!
Thanks for reading!
I'm a storyteller. Most of my memories come to me as scenes from a novel I have yet to write, and this one is no different. By writing it all down, I explore the memory and examine and analyze every part of it. From a kin perspective, I think I should share this with you because I think kin memories are worth sharing and discussing. From a storyteller perspective, I want to share it with you because I'm proud of how I described such a dense memory in what I think is a coherent way.
SYNOPSIS: The story of how Herobrine became, well, Herobrine. Explains how he got the white eyes, the paranormal powers, all that jazz. 2700 words. Fun fact: he accomplished all this at the age of twelve.
He was falling.
He looked up and saw the bottom of the world. It was a flat expanse of black and gray, stretching on forever in every direction. He hadn’t expected it to be so flat, so plain.
The wind screamed in his ears and caught at his clothes, flipping him around in the air as he fell. Suddenly, he was face-to-face with . . . nothingness. Not even blackness, because that would be something. The very concept of light ceased to exist, just a few meters beyond him. He would reach it any second now.
I’m about to die, he thought with complete certainty. He was disappointed, yes, annoyed, yes, but mostly he was resigned. Perhaps even a little relieved.
The air left his lungs for a brief, terrifying moment, then abruptly returned. Unsurprisingly, feeling your lungs empty and refill in the same heartbeat was quite painful. He should have expected that.
He had expected this. Under normal circumstances, he’d suffocate and die somewhere under the world. But these weren’t normal circumstances. The laws of physics were catching on his machines, and the universe was struggling to comprehend his fall. Every time he started to choke, he’d suddenly be near the bottom of the world, as if he’d never fallen.
Frankly, he wished the universe would just get it over with. He didn’t care which direction it chose for him as long as it just made a decision. This game of ping pong was getting old.
His breath left him for multiple seconds this time. His vision was starting to darken. The bottom of the world seemed very far away. He closed his eyes. Finally.
His heart was pounding in his chest, to the same rhythm as the pistons overhead. They felt the same. They were the same. He couldn’t breathe, but he could feel the universe breathing around him.
And then he died, at the exact moment that the universe tried to force him back up into the world, where he belonged.
A door opened, a curtain fluttered to reveal the window, gates rose, a flower bloomed, his mind opened.
He became aware of many things at once.
There were four dimensions, and they weren’t separate worlds. They were one world and there was a force he hadn’t known existed, not quite space and not quite time, that separated them.
There were humans everywhere, and he knew they were humans immediately, and he was their pain, their heartache, their love, their joy, their fear, their will.
The world was so vast he couldn’t comprehend it.
He was every cave and he was the algorithm that created them, he was every pebble and every patch of ore and every building humans had made and every building they hadn’t and every redstone contraption. He was the skeleton firing at a human and he was the human dodging the arrow, he was the diamonds they were trying to get to and he was their plans for the precious stone, he was the ghast spitting a fireball and he was the fireball and he was the crater left behind in the netherrack, he was every human sitting in a church pew right now and he was every pastor giving a speech right now and he was every church they were sitting in.
The world was much greener and bluer when viewed from within, and there were two beings that didn’t feel like anything else that were the embodiment of those colors. No, no, those colors were the embodiment of them. They permeated every inch of the world and they had just enough autonomy to maintain it and improve on it.
He’d known that this might happen, but he wasn’t expecting the magnitude of it. It was overwhelming. It was difficult to think his own thoughts when he was thinking everyone else’s. He knew every human’s name and all their thoughts and desires, but was already forgetting his own.
Now that, he couldn’t stand for. He focused inward, chanting his own name, envisioning himself as one solid color undiluted by all the others. If these blue and green beings could do it, so could he. He reached for those beings, for the part of them that made it possible for them to be the universe and themselves at the same time. He grabbed that part and copied it exactly for himself.
You should not be, the green one observed.
You were very, very lucky, the blue chided him. If you’d died a tick earlier or a tick later, you would have just died.
A tick. That’s what every heartbeat of the world was called. Every growing plant and redstone contraption and human drawing breath ran on the same heartbeat. A heartbeat who’s speed could be changed, actually.
Absolutely not, the green said severely. Their name was Alex, but he wasn’t sure when he’d learned that. The current tick speed is just fine, thank you very much.
What should we do with you? asked the blue, whose name was Steve. You’re the universe now, so we can’t just erase you like we normally do with anomalies.
The anomaly in question, whose name was Herobrine, didn’t know how to answer that. He hadn’t really expected to get this far, honestly. He hadn’t expected the universe to feel the way it did, and he hadn’t expected two colorful beings who ran the whole thing.
Well, why had he been trying to merge with the universe in the first place? To learn how to manipulate it, so no one would dare pick on him again, so he could get into the swanky library he wasn’t allowed in, so he could have enough materials to build all the machines he wanted.
So, now that he was part of it, he just needed to learn how to manipulate it.
Immediately, he remembered a kind of spell called a command, that could be used by ordinary humans if they met a certain requirement that the universe would scan for. It was odd to remember things he hadn’t known just a little bit ago, yet remembered knowing for millennia.
But he didn’t even have to be a human. He could be an enderman, or a blaze, or a dragon, if he so desired.
I doubt that, Alex interjected. How will you, a human, become an enderman or blaze or dragon without losing yourself? If you a pour a human-shaped mind into a nonhuman-shaped mold, things will go wrong.
Instinctively, he knew that they were right.
But, he also remembered making new creatures and setting them loose in the world. He knew how, because Alex and Steve knew how, and they were all one now.
He could make a new creature for himself. He’d be something entirely new, something no one had ever seen before. Mostly human, so he didn’t lose himself, but with abilities beyond the average human’s comprehension. No one would touch him again. He’d finally be respected.
He could sense Steve start to say something, but Alex stopped him.
Now, what did he want to be?
He wanted to be able to use commands, fly, see in the dark, get by on little to no sleep, and maybe shoot fireballs.
Herobrine reached for a dozen pre-existing creatures and pulled out the parts he wanted to use for his own gain.
He took most of what made humans humans and used that as his foundation. He mixed in a little of what made Alex and Steve the universe so he stayed connected to it. He could feel their annoyance at this, but ignored it. He tweaked something in his creation so the universe would accept spells it cast by default. Unexpectedly, getting night beasts to leave him alone was quite simple. It was essentially just an on-off switch that needed to be flipped.
Then, he took the parts of ghasts and blazes and dragons that enabled them to fly, tied it to the part of humans that controlled their limbs and wove the fusion into his creature. Now, he’d be able to fly at will and drop the ground whenever he wanted. He did something similar with fireballs by taking the fireballs ghasts made, improving on them slightly, and connecting it to the same part of humans he’d connected flying to. He adjusted it slightly so a specific physical movement would create a fireball.
He discovered that pigmen were completely fireproof and copied the feature for himself. If one could shoot fireballs out of their hands, they’d probably want to be fireproof.
Night vision ended up being harder than expected to implement. It turned out most of the creatures he’d thought had night vision simply had other ways of navigating that weren’t related to vision whatsoever. Finally, he found a way to turn the night vision effect into a trait and wove it into his creation.
Requiring less sleep was also difficult to make possible. He ended up having to rewire a sizeable chunk of the human part of his creature, and tying that chunk to the piece that would keep him connected to the universe. This way, the energy provided to him by the universe would be what kept him from needing as much sleep as humans. It was a convoluted solution, but the only one that worked.
With the internal workings complete, Herobrine went on to figuring out his physical form. He kept it mostly human, but gave it pointed ears, sharp teeth, and a blue tongue just for fun. Here, Steve warned him that his connection to the universe might influence his physical form somewhat. He acknowledged it, but didn’t really care.
Inspired, he took the part of witches that allowed them to throw splash bottles of weakness, tweaked a few pieces so the weakness effect would be so intense it would reduce anyone to a useless limp noodle, and attached it into his fangs. Now, his bites would incapacitate enemies.
Encouraged by this breakthrough, he copied the part of night beasts that made skeletons raise their bows when they sensed a human — when they aggroed, as it was called, connected it to the claws of zombies, and wove them both into his fingertips. Now he had retractable claws, and they’d come out when he was “aggroed”.
And the entire time, he poured himself into this creation. It was no ordinary creature that could manifest under normal circumstances. It was him. It wasn’t that he was the only individual of a race he’d created, it was more that he was the race. By the end, it didn’t feel like he was weaving a tapestry, but more like he was weaving clothes around himself.
He could tell from the way Alex and Steve thought about it that that had never been done before. No one had tied a soul to a species the way he had. They seemed begrudgingly impressed.
The time came where he checked over his creation one last time and considered it complete. Oddly enough, despite being aware of every sunrise and every sunset, he wasn’t quite sure how much time had actually passed. Time felt a little different when you were the universe than it did when you were a mere human. He knew how many days had passed, but he couldn’t really comprehend it.
If he’d had a physical form, he would have crossed his fingers. He cast the command. He would manifest any second now.
Herobrine woke up slowly. He’d had the most amazing dream. The plan had worked perfectly and he’d been part of the universe and he’d made a new form for himself. In fact, he was quite disappointed it’d just been a dream.
He rolled over and stared at the dirt ceiling of his bedroom. It’d had felt so real. He remembered being the universe, feeling everything in it, weaving together a creature from threads of dozens of other creatures. Could he have really imagined all that? Could he have really imagined what it was like to be a diamond and a human’s plans for it and the lava just under it, simultaneously?
It was weird feeling humans nearby and not knowing all their thoughts and wants and imaginary worlds.
Herobrine sat straight up with a gasp. He could feel the signatures of all the humans nearby. It couldn’t have been a dream. He could feel his parents sleeping in the next room, feel the couple arguing next door, feel the child being chased through the alley by other children.
He patted his pointed ears and flat chest to make sure they were there. They were. It was surreal. Was this really happening?
He concentrated and cast a simple command that would give him a bucket of water. Commands required both a gesture and a verbal component. This one needed an upward slash with one hand, a hand over his heart to specify it was a spell of giving, a phrase in the language of the universe.
A metallic bucket of water appeared on his bed and nearly tipped over on the uneven surface of his threadbare blanket. Herobrine caught it before it spilled, delighted, disbelieving laughter bubbling out of him. He set it on the filthy floor and, after a moment’s nervous hesitation, peered at his reflection.
He recoiled, startled. That wasn’t him. The person in his reflection wasn’t him.
He took a deep, steadying breath, and tried again.
It was mostly him. His reflection had his sharp chin, thick eyebrows, and dark hair, but it was hard to notice those when he was so distracted by the eyes. They were pure white, no irises or pupils, and glowed faintly in the gloom of his room. They were unnerving and inhuman.
Once he recovered from the shock, Herobrine realized he rather liked them. He liked the idea of people recognizing him by the haunting blank eyes.
He bared his teeth at his reflection and was pleased to see sharp teeth and long fangs. He stuck out his tongue, and it was blue.
There was another unplanned feature. Lines just a shade darker than his normal skin tone, marked his cheeks, eyelids, ears, and neck. When he glanced at his own arms, he saw they were there too. Circuitry patterns, covering his entire body.
He stepped out of bed and stretched. He didn’t feel panicked. He wasn’t dreading the day. Instead, he felt excited. When was the last time he’d felt excited?
Herobrine stared at the wall before him. It was time to test something a little crazier than producing a bucket of water.
He clapped twice and pointed at the wall. Clapping had never felt so suspenseful, so impactful.
Heat bloomed at his fingertip. With a loud crackling, a fireball appeared, rocketing forward in the direction he pointed. For a split second, it filled his room with warm light, then it hit the wall and exploded with a fiery roar. The explosion blasted him back, slamming his back up against the wall and knocking the wind out of him.
The moment he could breathe however, he found that he couldn’t stop smiling. All that remained of that wall were a few scattered piles of smoking rubble. All around, he felt humans running to investigate. Just a few meters away, his parents scrambled out of bed. He did that. He was responsible for something the whole city would be buzzing about.
Herobrine jumped twice and on the second jump he didn’t come back down. He started to laugh, a laugh of sheer glee and triumph. He could fly.
A bell started to ring. Someone had sounded the alarm. It’d wake up the entire city.
He soared through the space where the wall had been, marveling at the sense of freedom of no longer being earthbound. He spun happily and shot upward. When he slowed his ascent and glanced downward, he was at least sixty meters up. His whole neighborhood was spread out beneath him like a quilt.
The enormity of the situation was really struck him. He did it. He had the power he’d been working for his entire life. He was finally a force to be reckoned with. He could do anything he wanted. He was free.
Herobrine was flying.
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