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Ok, so, this is mostly an apology for my inactivity. I know Im normaly much more up and at it, but I haven't been lately.
Truth is, I've been in a slump for a bit. Just the usual that comes and goes as you all know by now. I've been powering through, but I've also needed time to just sit back away from everything. I've also been feeling rather sick lately. I do my best to keep interacting with all of you, but sometimes I can't and I know that can be a let down. All the people I didn't welcome, posts I didn't give my two cents on, all that. I've just been tired and out of it, and sick.
I wish I hadn't, but my body just has other ideas I suppose, you know? I'll be doing my best to return to my normal KM duties as best I can, but I may fall off agian and im sorry for that.
Wow. This day took a weird turn.
As I may have mentioned once or twice around here before, we own a boat. It's nothing big and fancy, it's pretty small, but it's fun. We went to a nearby creek today with the boat and even tried to catch some fish (I'm not exactly very good at fishing but Dad wasn't giving me much of a choice about it.) It was hot and humid, but it was also a bit foggy as a result which made things quite pretty. Things would end up being fine, surely.
... Or so I thought.
Let me just start from the beginning. We get there, throw the boat in the creek and work on getting it set up when my dad noticed something was a bit off. See, there's a hole in the back that you can open when it rains so all the water drains out, and a plug you put in said hole when you actually want to use so water doesn't come into it. And... he forgot to plug the hole. The boat was full of water. We haven't even left the shore yet and things have already gone wrong. But thankfully he brought something we could use to easily drain the water out so we ended up being fine. Just one little hurdle, we'll be fine, the day's still good, right? The whole thing still could be worse for us. ...But for others, it was worse. And now I've been quite worried.
We finally get out there, start fishing, and aren't having any luck. That's to be expected whenever I try to fish, so I'm not too surprised. But here's where things start to get a bit weird. Two people come floating down the river. Yep, floating. Just on little floaty raft things. The two mentioned something about a friend of theirs that had come along with them, but said that his raft popped and he had gotten stranded a little ways up the creek. They were planning to make their way down to the dock and come back for him on foot. After that they just floated along their way. ... This was foreshadowing.
A little while later a large group of people with canoes come paddling down the creek with one of them having a second person sitting on the front of the canoe. Naturally I found this a little odd, as this isn't exactly normal among any canoe-paddling people that I had ever seen before. Turns out that third guy that the other two rafters had mentioned slipped on some rocks while he was stranded and hurt his knee, and canoe guy ended up picking him up. He was having issues with there being someone else on his boat (again, tiny canoe and all), so we ended up taking him and getting him back to the dock with his friends. There wasn't really anything else that we could do for him from there. I've been thinking about him ever since then, I do hope he's alright now...
We ended up staying out for a little bit longer after that, which honestly ended up being a mistake. It was only a few minutes before the storm hit. Things started getting really windy and the waves picked up and rocked us around a lot. It was a little scary honestly. By the time we got back to shore again it was pouring. My hat also blew off of my head and landed in the river at one point but thankfully I managed to save it.
So... Yeah. This was a day. Despite how badly everything went though I'm still sort of glad we went anyway, even if it was just so we could help that guy out. I guess God wanted me there for a reason? I do hope he's alright though. And I suppose there were a few other good things that happened, like the ice cream we got afterwards and some really cool wildlife I saw while I was out.
But nonetheless, I'm quite drained now and glad to be home.
So the friend I was reading stories to has left me. He was starting to fall for me, but I've already found someone, so he thought it best if he left to avoid getting hurt. I understand why he left, but it still hurts. He was a good friend. I miss him. I have a very strong fear of abandonment so losing friends really messes me up. I think his feelings will fade in time, but it might not be for a while. If he found someone else, his feelings for me may fade, but hes had bad luck trying to meet anyone.
My new guy is great. I actually feel happy for the first time since my ex left me. Hes so good to me. He calls me his good girl and that just makes me grin and giggle like an idiot. Hes into the DD/lg stuff which is exactly what I've been looking for. Hes so good for me and I really hope this one lasts. He doesn't have the issues my ex had, my new guy is totally fine with me talking about him as long as I don't share personal information. I can share his first name, its Aaron. And I can talk about our relationship or little facts about him and hes totally fine with that. My ex left me just for mentioning what time he went to bed.
The biggest issue is distance. I'm in Missouri, hes in North Carolina. I plan to visit him once the pandemic is over. I just gotta save enough for the trip. Theres some things I need or order online, and I wanna try to set aside $400 for my trip to visit him. I just hope I don't spend it before the pandemic ends. I hope it ends soon. Hes so sweet and wonderful and he make me so happy. He knows about my headmates and my marriage to Nate, he knows I'm otherkin, and while he doesn't share my beliefs, he respects that I have them. Hes also atheist and I'm Christian and we're both fine with that. I don't push my beliefs on other people, and he respects that I have beliefs.
I just got my prepaid card in the mail today and I'm going to WalMart this weekend, so I can load it then. Then I can start ordering all the things I need. Theres a lot of little things I want to order. The most expensive thing is the new WoW expansion which is like $60. Thats if I want the mount. Its like $50 if I just buy the basic expansion. I dunno if I want the mount or not. I'd never use it, but I do collect them. I don't have the game time to play right now anyway, but I may see how much I have left once I've bought everything else, then buy a few months of game time if I can afford it. Then I'd just spend those few months running old raids to make gold to buy game time with. Thats why I quit playing, cause all I was doing was running old raids and it was boring. But we will see what I have left after I take care of things. As long as I still have around $400 to set aside to visit Aaron.
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This blog post will be a long one, and it has been very difficult to write. As @Red-in-Tooth likes to state, a thorough, honest and relentless analysis of one's self is needed to really grasp the true nature of one's identity, the true self. I would like to consider this post a part of that analysis. I'm about to describe what seems to be a core part of me, which is inherently non-human by any standards. There is great agreement amongst serious otherkin that you cannot choose your kintype (or, to this end, your personal identity), and more than often you wouldn't like everything about it. Well, I'm not sure the word "like" is at all applicable to what I've found. Many humans would see it as as a monster that needs to be fought against, and I'm calling it such although I know that the term doesn't do it justice. "God" or "Demon" also don't really seem to fit, and "celestial draconic spirit" is somewhat lengthy. Maybe "dragon" would be the best alternative.
I've described this a few times before, lastly back in October. It is something I attribute to the celestial/draconic part of me, a part that is usually hidden in the sea of unconscious but now was explored, thus feels more like some part of my consciousness that is light years afar. It's something I only find when I delve down deeply into my psyche, in what resembles a deep mental shift. A recent discussion on Discord and - ironically to an even greater extent - the current Corona crisis has triggered further thoughts on it. Thoughts that are the continuation of a psychological analysis of what probably is the most interesting part of my identity. I already found that it is influencing my everyday thinking to a much greater extent than I realized.
Dragons, in human eyes, are supposed to be downright monsters. Alas, I call myself a monster this time. But it's not a monster like Godzilla or something. It does not seek destruction, it is not good or evil by any human standards. If I'd want to put it in a nutshell, it feels like personified life and nature, with all beauty and terror it entails. This monster feels a deep, deep connection
to all that naturally exists, to the extent that it feels one with all. But on the other side, it does not see death as something bad. It would walk though a hospital aisle, see people dying and... smile. Maybe it would strive over a battlefield and smile, like a divine being who is way beyond death. It will do nothing at all to help, it will not interfere in any way. Because it knows that death is part of it all. As long as death is natural or a matter of in-species struggle, it will feel no regret, no pain, no sorrow, but an incredible amount of love and confidence in the beauty and balance of the endless circle of life, knowing what's happening is neccessary.
Now this may sound beautiful for some, but do you realize just how terrible that is for the human eye? In its purest form, this entity knows no compassion for individuals, not a single bit of what is normally called "humane", just like you couldn't expect these characteristics from nature itself. Still it feels endless love for life as a whole. All it strives for is watching over natural diversity and balance. Hence, if this entity sees someone meddling with and fighting against nature, like humans unfortunately do, it seems it would at least get very sad - or, what's much worse, go completely berserk. This doesn't happen easily, but if, then this monster would strike back at an attacker like only a natural disaster could. It would burn down anything in its path, mercyless, delving in its own power, and create a new basis for life restarting. At the same time, it would be sad, watch its own doing and shake its head in despair, because variety and balance would be lost in order for a new balance to flourish.
Now, what I called "it" is nothing else but the monster, the dragon I seem to be. And I have to realize that this deep self of mine is absolutely incompatible with human-level moral. It does not at all fit into society. Yet it is not at all evil, neither god nor devil. It loves life, it embodies the energy that makes up life, it loves to see life flourish, and it embraces everything that's needed to make it flourish including death and destruction, if need be. It's a fire as bright as a light in the darkest night can be. It's unshakably confident and insanely empathic and emotional, it's friendly and benevolent but still it does not know or understand humbleness, charity, romance or human-level love. It's outrageous and ambiguous to the human eye.
I can't describe it better at this time. I feel this might be the part of me that remains when everything else fades. Is this the real reason I was always hiding myself? Did I instinctively know that I needed to hide myself in order not to be excluded from a society I wanted to learn about? In any case, it seems to be something I can neither deny nor control, as it is far stronger than the "conscious I", to use a term from analytical psychology I currently try to learn about. It's like the core of a non-human self that just exists, without me being able to make a choice about it. What's stunning is that it didn't even need a mental shift to find out and conclude the above; it was only a matter of analysing how the nature of that self influences my conscious thoughts in the time of crisis we're currently living through. It's been showing itself in so many ways throughout my life, like a neural network that spans my whole being and is truly in control.
Hence, I can now say without any doubt that I am fundamentally non-human. I invite anyone reading this to leave their impression in the comments, because I'm more than open to discuss and eager to learn more.
(Speaking present tense as Lady Lunastre)
For one such as myself, my true draconian heart is what keeps me alive, my astral energy and power within ever flowing, and forged my connection with nature and people alike, for this I have realized when I set foot into the great wilderness of the alpine mountains, and saw the beauty of the ever awakening storm, the moon shining brighter as I raised my astral wings to the darkening sky, waiting for the beauty of the stars and the void, hidden by the powerful storm following.... Amongst the hidden beauty of the nature around me during such a time, I have begun to truly awaken my true draconian heart, and I have begun to fine tune my astral energy for the sake myself, and the nature around me, for I am doing the most subtle amount of astral energy to help the life forms around my existence....
Something I will always know, for all of time and for all of Infinity, is the fact that I am truly draconian, in blood, heart, and soul, for I will always win the war with the evil and the demons created by the hate and warring of ideals within this world we live in, for I see the beauty in all walks of life, and I will always strive to protect those I love, and those that need help more than anyone else. I know who I am, and what I look like, for I am Lady Lunastre, Celestial Queen of the Draconians, the only true daughter of the almighty Infinite Draconian Lord.... I see within my true slumbering form, the vast expanse of my magnificent wings, imbued with the power of the celestial existence and the storm across the sky and the realms above, and within my existence I sense the desire and the calling to help and provide aid to all beings of life and earth, to see the smiles on the faces of the world, so they can truly prosper and love their beautiful lives and walks of life, (this applies to you all reading this), and the great, spiraling horns that bear my molten iron crown of celestial being shines down and burns my enemies who dare to disrupt the balance of the world. The magnificent color of my dark, cobalt blue scales shine down upon the world, for my titanium scaled hands providing love and protection to all who need a hug, or the simple encouragement for them to see the beauty within themselves..... I see the perfect balance of the world, and for I as the celestial draconian queen strive to protect the great balance that keeps us all alive and seeing the great beauty within all walks of life....
Those and the evil who the wind and the storms blow against, will be burned to ashes by my pure azure fire, and the great power of the celestial and eternal darkness of the void will take and destroy those who desire to take the lives and happiness of the innocent beings that walk the worlds of all kinds, for the celestial energy that I hold within will destroy and strike the evil that dares to take hold of those who live life by their own good happiness.... For the strength of the dragon is used to protect, not to destroy, and for I as the celestial draconian queen will protect all walks of nature, life, and death, for all of time, and for all of Eternal Infinity.....
(End, excerpt from my true draconian heart and self....)
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Something we’ve never done, is to put all of these ‘memories’, all of these flashes of what might be, together publicly. I am not naturally open, I do not trust others with my innermost thoughts, I see no point when so many are crude in their attempts at understanding and carelessly tread upon what is held dear to myself. Both this life and within DL has taught me as to other’s disregard of my emotions and innermost thoughts. Ultimately people do not care to a standard I recognise as 'care’, perhaps as a result of my own high expectations.
But, I will not digress further. What I am about to put to words is what I 'know’… regardless of how unreliable such an experience can be. The malleable nature of the mind is at times dreadfully inconvenient, and does leave me on the edge of true acceptance. So, with that in mind, we shall begin.
I was born as Karlheinz and Beatrix’s second child and lived my childhood within one of father’s castles, and though I struggle to remember it, originally Beatrix did have some interest in my welfare. It was however before I passed my second or third year that things began to deteriorate.
Cordelia’s antagonising of mother had started before I was born, and the initial stages of care was more from her natural feelings of obligation rather than a relaxed form of 'love’, but, I’m not one to talk of such things, as I don’t believe I ever saw her as she might have once been before my conception.
The transition away from mother’s care was gradual, where more and more times I would be kept under watch by the maids within the castle. I did attempt to garter some concept of 'love’ or care beyond duty from them also, but they were always resistant, and before I turned 6 I was already closing up. I had been told quite often what and who I was, and through that I justified my existence, for, to consider the thought of being 'unwanted’ was far too unpleasant to dwell upon.
I was a vampire prince, I could one day take my father’s position - At least, that’s what the maids told me. Mother would speak similarly, but with her own twist on the latter, “You shall one day serve your brother as his advisory.” or such similar dismissals of my own capabilities.
Though her constant rejection of myself, I ran through many different theories or ideas as to why this might be. One point was my eyes. Though there are many who argue about it within this 'fandom’, I can not see clearly without my glasses. My eyesight is not abysmal without them, but it is certainly weak enough to require them. This, for a vampire is rather a sign of weakness. If I’d been born into any position other than the one I was, I’d likely have been subjected to rather more in the way of mocking comments or teasing jabs. Later on my half-siblings certainly wouldn’t refrain from such comments, though it was quickly lessened through my own 'encouragement’ for them to stop.
I developed a strong interest in the sciences, particularly chemistry, an interest that later developed into cooking also, though this is where some minor motions away from the 'canon’ do start to seep in. Cooking never became a 'passion’ of mine, it was simply an extension of chemistry for me. I was doing it at father’s behest; I did it because I was told to, it was simply a bonus that I found it mildly interesting for it’s more technical side. My cooking would also tend to be a fair sight more 'interesting’ for quite a time.
I experimented while younger, it’s what young minds do best. The Demon World doesn’t have plants like the Human World does, but it does have quite the wide array of poisonous plants, toxic and venomous animals and various other, sometimes magical, components for alchemy. I certainly didn’t shy from trying everything I could get my hands on, as I was left to my own devices a majority of the time. Classes were not regularly scheduled for me as they were for Shu, so I had rather a lot of free time to explore.
The area around the castle was vast, with a dark forest that usually we as children wouldn’t have been allowed to enter. I’d collect herbs or other ingredients there and quickly run back to 'play’ with them. I enjoyed this 'work’ so much, but what I really wanted was to show my work. I didn’t like to admit it, but I was often at times lonely for recognition. Companionship I was relatively content without at that age, I enjoyed what I did and that was all I needed. Books, potions and the freedom to explore those freely.
Something else that certainly isn’t covered at all within the writings of DL was our abilities. These I did attend sessions with Shu for, though they did little but to further embed the feeling of inferiority. Vampire children, specially those born with our blood would be taught very quickly to learn the use of their abilities.
Some individuals would be better in some areas that others, but for a list of them all it isn’t much different to what it canonly understood:
- Familiar Summoning & Control
- Energy Perception
Along with also natural traits we were born with being above that of humans, being physical strength, physical durability, healing, sight (if you weren’t me), hearing and energy perception.
Energy Perception, for a little elaboration is essentially the ability to feel the presence of others. With training yours could be lessened and you could detect others more easily. It’s rather similar to the concept of auras or empathic reading that persons here can train themselves to do - or be born with a natural gift to be able to easily. It’s the same concept.
I remember the lessons with Shu in particular regarding our transformations into our bat form. For many families it is the sign of a child entering into adolescence, and the first time it is done to be seen as the blossoming of one’s vamprism. You could see it akin to a baby speaking their first word. Unfortunately Shu was able to transform before myself, and mother rather joyously praised him infront of us as he hung upside from her outstretched hand. It is not a pleasant memory, but rather few are.
There are however two stages for us with pure blood. Where’s most vampires could change into a small bat form, usually for flying across larger distances, fitting into small locations, quick getaways or similar, we could also change into a much larger bat form. If you follow my blog here you may have seen them depicted a number of times.
When a pure blood vampire learns how to change into that form is is more a sign of adulthood - Which leads me to clarify that the 'ages’ we have been assigned naturally do not reflect the actuality of our time spent alive. Age, as a concept works rather differently for us as vampires, but we’ll come back to this in a moment.
I don’t recall when or how Shu learned to change into his larger form, I wasn’t there to bare witness. I actually don’t remember any of the others learning for the first time clearly, but we may reflect to see if we recall any in more detail with my younger siblings. I have a feeling Subaru might have done his by accident while in a fit of rage inside the mansion.
My first time was outside, within the forest, isolated. So, if that is anything to go by, one might consider that the norm, and why I do not recall any other’s first times. However I do seem to remember Ayato appearing flying above the mansion yelling at everyone to look at him. I can only guess that was his first time, though we didn’t see the transformation it’s self.
Generally speaking, we tended not to use our large forms. We had little need to, and they consumed a fair chunk of our energy to change into and to change back out of again. I know that I have seen all of my sibling’s forms at least once, along with mother’s, Karlheinz’s and Christa’s, but I don’t recall ever seeing Cordelia’s, which is why on the chart we made it is admittedly a guess, rather than done from memory.
Dating Memories and Time
Time is an incredibly hard thing to get down linearly when I was born in the castle in the Demon World yet later moved into the Human World. To my knowledge, time passes faster here in the Human World than it does in the Demon World, but if you were to move between them you wouldn’t notice any difference till your return back to your own world. Why do I believe this the case? There’s a tremendous amount of reasons, both originating from my own memories and also what is both stated, and implied in canon.
The first time marker I have to go off of is when I discovered Shu slipping into the Human World through a gateway within the Demon World forest. I must have been the physical equivalent of around 7 at the time. The gateway lead to another forest in the Human World that eventually gave way to a small isolated town. I never visited myself, but I did catch myself 'human watching’ a few times, really just a chance to reaffirm to myself my own superiority. I never spoke to any humans, but the sun was bright and irritated so I often wouldn’t stay long.
This eventually did lead to the rather infamous event of setting that small town ablaze. The reasons for this are complex, personal and would take us off topic to go into. So if curious, do go and read one of the wonderful character analysis some fans have written for me.
I didn’t stay to watch the fire, though I wished I had. It was done at night after learning the time cycle between our worlds so that the time of day would be just right. There was a stables near the edge, and I crept in to undo the doors for all of the horses first before setting the barn alight. The large amount of straw there worked as a firestarter, and the wooden building it’s self enabled the flames to catch hold.
Many of the buildings nearby were also comprised of mostly wood and/or thatched roofs, allowing the flames to spread and hop between buildings. As I fled I remember hearing a bell tolling as someone spotted the quickly expanding fire.
DL, if you might not be aware, takes many notes of it’s world’s history from this world’s. This can be seen the most with the Mukami’s and their background, but unfortunately their influence I feel is something that might have distorted the original timeline.
It would get into an awful lot more off-topic conversation to elaborate more on my Fictional Life Theory, perception equating to actuality and the link between this world and that of DL through mental retention while this post is already dreadfully long. So for now I’ll still to my original memories and maybe at some other time return back to that of alternative timelines.
Though upon saying that, due to the fact I didn’t stay to watch, I actually know very little about what happened thereafter. The little I remember is simply the building architecture and the surrounding area. All I could say for sure is that it was European in origin and likely 17th-18th Century.
Returning to the Castle the next day I did hear many hushed whispers between the maids about the fire, and that, “Many humans died.” Though I believe that this may actually be an exaggeration now with the death toll only reaching 20 or so when I’d gone my entire life believing it was somewhere in the hundreds.
The Castle it’s self was truly beyond anything that humans could create here. It’s size was beyond any Human World structure, with a 16th Century interior and a somewhat distorted 16th Century exterior. I remember it’s seemingly mile high walls stretching high into the grey sky with many arches supporting it’s grandeur. This wasn’t just a normal castle, it was one constructed by Karlheinz himself, and it showed that in it’s might. The structure it’s self was incredibly imposing, as if it was some sleeping behemoth that might start to shudder and shake and come alive in an instant.
There were however a few gargoyles that would sit on the corners. They weren’t made of stone, but actual demonic familiars. There weren’t many, but we could sometimes see them hopping between the high arches with their wings outstretched. They were there to keep us safe from other vampire clans, but an attack never happened, so we never saw them in action.
This wasn’t the castle where Karlheinz worked from/lived, but rather created solely for his wives. An amusing thought is comparing it to a holiday home, though that might also be seen as rather an insult to his work, so I’ll refrain. There were three separate sections within it, one for each of his wives. Beatrix, Shu and I had the right wing, Cordelia and her sons had the centre and Christa and Subaru had the left.
The design of the castle was asymmetrical, and as long as I spent living there I never got to see all of it’s hidden areas. It was filled with corridors, passageways, stairs seemingly leading nowhere, a multitude of rooms for just about everything, a ball room, a swimming pool (yes even back then, there was an outdoors one also), large kitchens, a laboratory, at least two libraries, multiple games rooms and more.
Oh, I have gone off topic detailing about just about everything now haven’t I? There’s honestly far more that can be said, but if you’re wanting to hear about that it’s perhaps better you just contact me directly. I don’t bite.. So to speak.
There’s other events to cover, such as Cordelia and Beatrix’ demise, but we’ll save that for another time and jump straight to the topic of brides.
You might ask, did Karlheinz send you brides? And the answer would be yes, and the same fate befell them as you might already be aware.
It was very rare I ever involved myself, I left most of the 'interactions’ between them and the triplets usually, as they were the most interested in that sort of thing. There were only a few human girls who would try their luck with me, unfortunately I wasn’t interested in being charitable any more than the others. Their interest in me would quickly wane upon interacting, and that would rather set off a chain reaction.
I don’t handle being ignored well, you understand. If you start something you should finish your goal, and I have little patience for those who don’t follow through. I would see echoes of my past in them, as I’m sure most of us did. They were dolls we projected our lives onto, and they suffered the result of that.
However, disregarding all of the previous minor alterations from the 'canon’, this is the largest fork in the timeline, as I’m unsure if Yui appeared at all. Honestly the options are between, “Yui did join us, but did not pick me. It’s also unlikely she had Cordelia’s heart.” or “Yui didn’t join us.” Either case, the girls send to us was like drip-feeding, which does bring up the point of how we would feed but again, a topic for another time.
The result of Yui never involving herself with me meant that tensioned continued to rise in the mansion. Being forced into a much smaller space as we were now made conflicts more common, and my relation to Shu, though already sour was nearing it’s breaking point - Till eventually, it did.
I had already rid myself of mother, my next target had always been Shu. Without the counterbalance of Yui my focus shifted away from resurrecting mother, and purely onto Shu. The one who continued now to take advantage of my behaviours to live in denial and avoid the world around him. In short, I challenged him. One final duel. One final fight to the death.
This wasn’t practise, this wasn’t brotherly sparing, this was my declaration for his end, and so we fought. Details again I’ll.. Have to write another time. But this is the most prominent point of my memories.
The end result was that I won, just. He’d almost crushed my skull but a split second prior to my final blow. Beyond here things do get rather.. Well, I’d say 'personal’, but this entire post has been. But I was rather 'out of my right mind’ after killing Shu. I took to the skies in my larger bat form, calling to father all the while before I started to relapse into old memories.
My identity, my concept of who I was was that of a monster, a murderer, and so I embraced it outright. I set ablaze another town and sat upon the spire of the cathedral to wait.
Looking back on it, it’s honestly a rather immature cry for attention, but that’s the point I had been driven to. I had nothing left but the idea to destroy that which surrounded me. The world that had rejected me, the family who had ignored me, the ones who had denied me the right to be a concept known as 'myself’. I was shaped by the world to be recognised by it, and so now I bore a scar onto the land so I might be known to exist.
I’ve actually written out a lot of this before in this blog post here, so you're free to read up on that for what happened in-between events listed here.
Memories past this point do get a little patchy, but I do believe that I managed to seek out father myself upon realising he wasn’t going to come to me. I re-entered the demon world via a gateway in the forest of which I’d just told the elderly lady not to follow me. I made my way to Karlheinz’ main castle on horseback before confronting him directly.
I do not know everything, in detail, but I do know I was ready for a fight to the death with father also, and didn’t expect the reality of what he decided to do instead. Ontop of one of the towers he changed into his own bat form - Though to call it a 'bat’ would honestly be a discredit to the scale of the creature he changed into. With four wings, four ears, three eyes and a continuously flowing white mane that drifted around his form as if he was submerged under water he bore down on me with his might. He told me to learn more, before encountering him again. I was still naive, immature and undeserving of his power.
With those last words he eradicated me from that world, and, if my theory is to be correct, placed me into this one.
The tests he has given me thereafter have emulated Shu’s life to force me into understanding his perspective, his emotions and life, and to learn the concept of kindness, love, selflessness and emotions in a way I have never been able to truly grasp before. What this life deals is often times ruthless, without remorse, without mercy, but if I am to live then I will find a way to live. If it is what I must do then I will do it.
This is who and what I presume myself to be. You may judge me however you wish. This is my story, and I think unless I accept it, I will always be at ends with myself.
Thank you for reading.
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(I had one lyric about pendulums, and I already used it on the forum, sadly.)
I'm not usually one who follows ideas of "divination" and "spirits" and "magick" and all that stuff. I feel like an idiot when I'm making use of my mini-shrine trying to communicate with Pan, and that's just talking. I never thought about going beyond that, really. But when I was discussing some of my theories on Discord, somebody suggested using a pendulum for communication, after warding it. I thought to myself, hey, why the hell not? The worst case scenario is that nothing comes from it. So as long as I'm ready to take everything I find with a huge pinch of salt, I should be OK. With that in mind, I did a little bit of research and gave it a try.
I used a turquoise necklace I already had as my pendulum, and "warded" it using incense and focusing on the purpose I had in mind. That part felt kind of silly, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. After warding, I established that I was trying to talk to Pan, and determined what meant "yes" and "no" both by asking and by trying some questions that I already knew the answers to. Once I was satisfied, I started asking about my past life, and that's where things got interesting. Again, everything should come with a big pinch of salt.
Assuming I was actually communicating with Pan, he told me that contrary to my working theory, I was not a victim of transformation in my past life. He said I was a faun in that life, but oddly, I was born as a centaur. So that was weird. I then established that I was some manner of shapeshifter. Furthermore, my past life father was a shapeshifter too, and an immortal one at that, but not a god or a titan. My past life mother, meanwhile, was a mortal, though I didn't ask if she was human. Finally, Pan revealed that I was a student of his in my past life, but that we met later in that life when I came looking for him. That was all I could get before he was finished answering questions.
Obviously I'm not taking any of this at face value, and I plan to do it again soon to try to "verify" the phenomenon. But it's still interesting to think about what this could mean if it's true. The biggest question I'm left with is, what's immortal and a shapeshifter but not a god or titan? Limiting myself just to Greek mythology, I found a few possibilities. First up is Phobetor, a personification of dreaming that could appear in the mortal world in the forms of animals and could change his form at will. Whether Phobetor qualifies as a god seems to be hazy based on my very little research, so it's quite possible that Pan wouldn't consider him one, even if he was immortal. Proteus is another interesting possibility; he was more likely to be called a god than Phobetor, but he was known to change form often. Those are the two obvious things I found, but I also found myself drawn to Typhon for some reason. I described him in a prior entry; he's not a god or a shapeshifter, but he is immortal and has been shown with various animal parts. I dunno.
I'm not going to put too much stock into this before doing a bit more to verify things, of course. But it is interesting to think about. It really did seem like the pendulum was working, though I realize it responds to hand movements. Perhaps next time I'll try doing it without holding the pendulum myself. I'll write more if anything else comes up. In the meantime, I am intrigued about the possibilities, and especially Phobetor given how well he seems to match what I "learned."
As it turns out, I have an anxiety disorder. I'm also back in therapy, but I'm hesitant to discuss what I've been dealing with. It takes everything I have to function properly in public and even on the internet. To be honest, it feels like my entire life could just fall apart at any minute now, because I have concerns about climate change, the political atmosphere in the United States, and even the future of my access to healthcare coverage. Regardless, I'm trying to avoid focusing on these concerns to the point of excess and I've mostly been successful.
Another problem I have is my incompatibility with the established systems in place. I won't go into too much detail about this, but basically, I feel like the value of money over lives, the hatred, the prejudices, the judgment, and the destruction of the planet is basically poisoning my mental health. This is why I have to limit my focus on these topics. However, thinking about them is important to some degree. It's important to acknowledge that this planet needs more compassion, kindness, and understanding from humanity as a collective species and I'm trying to do my part. I'm just struggling and tired of questioning if I have a good future ahead of me.
For the most part, I am trying to stay optimistic about the state of things. If I don't, I end up being dragged into a negative loop of pessimism for several hours or potentially days and even weeks. So, it helps my productivity to be more positive and less "we're doomed" in regards to the direction humanity is headed in. Additionally, in the meantime, I've been trying to get back into my usual hobbies. I want to use my time more wisely from now on, which has a questionable success rate so far, but on some days I make progress and on other days I don't. Pretty standard, really. It's life.
Anyway, on top of adjusting to having an anxiety disorder, I've been dealing with some unexpected family drama. I won't be discussing that drama here, but it still sucks.
...First, you've gotta lose yourself.
That's what I'm telling myself. I'll come out of this knowing myself better than I did before. I'll come out of it just a little more familiar with who I am. Well, I hope so.
What's "this"? Well, it's... hard to explain. Basically - I've lost myself. I don't really know where I went, but my whole sense of identity has been... missing for a while. I'm sure I can thank my nebulous mental health issues for this particular oddity. And it honestly took me a while to even realise - it's a very subtle feeling, to lose yourself in this way. I don't feel distant or dissociated. I've still been (mostly) functioning. But I don't feel like myself right now, and I haven't for a while. For months, maybe. Again, hard to exactly say when it started, because it's such a vague feeling.
One of the strangest parts of this is that... I don't really feel my kintypes so much, right now. It's... unnerving, if I'm honest. There's a void here in my mind. Or, well, not just that... in my soul, too.
I don't think I've ever felt this way before. It's not that I suddenly feel human (I really, really don't) - it's that I feel like nothing at all.
But now that I've recognised the problem, I can start taking steps towards fixing it. Coming back and being active on KM is one step I'm taking. Community helps. It always has.
Regular meditation is something I'm trying to do, with mixed success. I'm just so forgetful! But I'm going to go meditate in a moment, and I know that will help.
And just... trying to find small ways to reconnect with myself helps, I think. Mainly I've been trying to "get in touch" with my wolf-self, as a kind of starting point, since that's always been the most immediate part of my non-human identity. So I get on the floor and play with my dog. I listen to wolves howling. I take a moment to relax and visualise what my wolf body would feel like. It still all feels distant, but I think it's starting to work. I'm starting to feel a little more like myself. So I'll stick with it.
Nimravid... is less immediate, but still definitely skulking in the background, and it creeps forward when I try to lean more towards an animal state. I still sometimes wonder if it's really a theriotype, but that's a question for another time, I think. It's still certainly... something, lurking on the periphery. I feel it in my paws and teeth, and in the urge to stalk the shadows and pounce.
My spirit self has been altogether more difficult to find, though. I feel so disconnected from my spirituality. It makes me question things. Were the experiences I had real? Was this identity real, or just a figment of my strange and fragmented mind? Old doubts, familiar doubts, but doubts all the same. The conclusion I reached is the same as ever... I am what I am. Even if I don't feel it right now, I know that it is still me. What I don't know is where these feelings come from - whether it is some spiritual truth, or instead some sort of psychological quirk. But that's how it's always been. I've always been open to the idea that it could be "all in my head"; that doesn't make it any less real. Maybe that part of myself has just taken a backseat for now. Maybe that's okay. It certainly ruled my mind for long enough.
So... I'm in a weird place right now, but I'm pushing through, and I know I'll reach the other side of it soon. Especially if I keep making an effort to do things to connect with who I know I am. It's been hard, but I think the worst is over. And even if it isn't, I'll keep moving forward. Like I always have.
It's good to be back, KM. I hope I can make myself be a bit more active from now on!
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People might remember the previous two entries regarding this stuff. This creature was really confusing to the point I didnt know what to do besides exploring different angles and see what would make the most sense. I have in my absence here continued that avenue to discover a really interesting twist in the story what would make the most sense. As far for the other angles, I did the cameoshift angle but as with the Dunklesoteus there was more to the story then just that. In the most sense I guess that it was something familiar that was part of me that only with time would come out as the Dunkleosteus did. The other angle was past life but that also didnt really stick in the sense I didnt had some memories of it, if there was any then I couldnt really make a connection to that case unlike the Dunkleosteus who showed very possible memories of behavior what would make sense in some form as the top predator, In other words I had nothing to go of that would point to the same thing and in turn would point to possible Earthly kintype that wasnt from the Godec. The last angle had to do with the Godec or my shapeshifting kintype since it didnt feel right to abandon it right away. It had also forms that shared elements with exctinct Earthly creatures so it was something that had to remain open too. I have tried to explore more but it seems I cannot get more then what I currently know but maybe time will slowly reveal more but I think I have found at least the possible truth.
Of all the angles that I pursuit it did point more strongly towards the Godec kintype being responisble. As time went on it started to reveal more features what I didnt know at the time. It has some element of the Rauisuchus in the sense it's tail and hind legs share features with it. The front part proved to be similiar in build to that of a bull. The front consistet of front legs that are hooved, shoulders were also similiar build and the horns were also similiar to that of a bull. The suprising thing was the head that was more of a mix between that of a dragon and a bull. Putting it together had been quite a puzzle but in general terms I can describe it the best as some sort of Rauisuchus/bull mix though I dont believe it is neccersary like the other forms. It looks to different. I tried to wreck all my experiences for a possible answer and this creature seems to be a true form from my Godec life. I dont neccersary have all the answer towards how it does fit in perfectly but comparing it to the other forms who really look more Earthly with alien form it just doesnt look the same. I have uncovered some possible memories that point more towards a true Godec form that hasnt changed at all through time unlike the other forms. I never really expected to uncover this angle at all. As far I could expect it was something that is more like the lion form that I posted in a earlier blog what is a look upon one of my most experienced form. I tried to think maybe somehow my only known true form from those days, my dragon form, was somehow partially responsible and somehow it got mixed up in all of this thus making it a false lead to further continue but no. Despite sharing elements with the Rauisuchus, it is not really some earthly like form that has alien elements. The one thing that made it different from the dragon is the fact the dragon hind legs are clearly 3 toed. The hindlegs of this creature has clearly 4 toes but lacks the 5th toe what is present in the Rauisuchus but the legs and whole behind and tail is siniliar build as the Rauisuchus.
Despite all the confusion and how hard it is to exactly picture it fully, I feel I begin to slowly learn more about this creature. It seems more and more positive it is connected to the Godec life I used to have. I still am trying to search for more evidence and answers surrounding this creature but feel I have at least a good basis to say it is a form of my shapeshifing form. I always felt there was something missing in the sense of I didnt have all the forms yet. This creature feels to fill the last gap I need to know for certain how many forms I have. Aside the ones I already know I have this seems to be the last true form what would make the Godec kintype in some sense complete. I guess I just didnt know what to look for at all and just kept those things to myself since I had no real experiences to back up so brushed it off as maybe I do have all the asnwers I need regarding my forms but it now feels like I have my complete forms back though most have changed. There are still many unanswered questions left but now I have a complete view of the many forms, I have a solid basis to build more and try to get a best possible view of how that past life used to be with the little memories I have left. It wont bring me to the full picture but it will bring me closer to the time periods that I can fill to get some sense of who i used to be and how I lived truely and how these forms fit in the whole thing.
I will be honest and say that I didnt expect the creature to be a true form from the Godec days. But as I know before, there comes a time that I need to follow with what I feel is the truth and it feels right. Cramming it tp nothing more as the other forms doesnt feel right. Approaching it as a form that is from those days feels right. So why did the Rauisuchus trigger this whole thing? Well despite not exactly looking like this animal, I feel that seeing some familiar things back in this animal form seems to be more of the trigger as it looks very similiar. That is also what happened with my snake form. I became aware of this form when I learned about the Basilisk. In some ways it felt like looking into a mirror that wasnt complete yet. The missing part was from the bull elements. Combining those animals together what results in a unlikely hybrid just makes more sense when it is approached as a draconic like bull creature then a hybrid between those 2 animals with alien elements. I still have many questions left that surrounds this creature but only time will tell wether some or all will be answered or not. Some memories that I already know seem to become more clearer now I am aware of this form. I dont know where this path will lead me yet but I am ready to welcome the missing form that I unknowingly have searched for so many times.
I have plans to make a another commission from a another form and this one seems to be the next perfect candidate for it to put it in art to show a truely fascinating creature.
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So, I haven't been very active here in a while, although I've lurked and responded to some stuff off and on, mildly. This is a general update on how I'm doing, since I'm coming up on my fourth year of being in this community and actively accepting my belief and identity as the Devil. It's also almost been a year since my first memory smacked me upside the head, and I have basically been non-stop shifty ever since. It's to the point where at times I'm like "am I the otherkin equivalent of a contherian?" Is that terminology even useful for me at all, though?
I'm not 100% sure why, but within the past week I've suddenly been hit with an onslaught of mental shifting and more memory recall, again maybe because I'm coming up on a year since that first one? I have a bunch of thoughts bouncing around in my head, from that thought to wondering when the anniversary of my Fall would be on our calendar and if that could potentially cause an upset or rise in shifting/memory for me. In total, I've had about five memories; the most recent one was moreso a memory layered over a "feeling", or imagined scenario. The scene itself was, I believe, simply serving as a parallel to a scene I have been through more than once, so a specific memory was not called into my head, but instead a replacement and/or trigger for it and the associated emotions and actions.
However, when I talk about this, I have to dance around the subject. Because of all the memories I've recalled at this point, almost none of them are things I'm comfortable sharing the exact details of. Not now, not ever. This can be a little awkward in the angelkin community, where it can be normal to give out details of your traumatic death/torture/Fall memories, a habit which I've always found kind of weird but each to their own on what you're comfortable sharing, I guess. For me, I'm not comfortable sharing it beyond summary or vague implications - but I still want to talk about it and the associated emotion with people who understand. So I find myself in a weird sidestep dance around what I've experienced.
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I'm going to use this post to journal dreams, because I can.
April 12, 2020: I was forced to take a test about music in order to leave a building I was being held captive in. If I did not complete the test in time, or failed to get a high enough score, I would be impaled. I had 2 hours, measured by a timer locked to my wrist. The problem was, there were several others also taking this test, for the same reasons. The test givers ran out of copies. They promised to print me a copy, and that my timer wouldn't be started until they gave me the new copy. But they started to screw around instead of getting the new copy of the test, and my timer had started anyway. I decided to try and print the test myself, but the printer wouldn't cooperate, and instead printed off several copies of someone else's finished test. I realized, while looking at it, that the answers were mostly nonsense. I asked the test givers again if they would get me a copy, and this time, they said I was on my own to figure it out. I began searching for the test template. I couldn't find it. One hour had already passed, and most of the others were starting to finish. I yelled at the test givers. "Damn it, I'm going to be IMPALED!" They looked at each other and laughed. "Haha, you're not getting impaled! That was a joke. Here's the test." They finally gave me a copy, and I sat down to start...and then the timer went off. Excuse me? The test givers laughed again, and a guy busted down the door with a large sharpened pole. "This whole test was a joke!" I looked at them. What? "You're getting impaled!" The dream ended with a bunch of the "test takers" from before circling me and the guy positioning the pole towards me. I just said "aw man" and the dream ended before I got impaled.
We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay.
When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try.
Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing.
I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see.
Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.
May you be blessed and loved, -Beast
I've sort of developed a self-conscious rule for myself and my own experiences that I am not allowed to associate myself with creatures or communities I can identify with if I am not technically one of them. The easiest example I can think of is my involvement with avians and therianthropes: as a mountain banshee, I do experience traits that are heavily birdlike and once led me to falsely identify as a Terran bird. As I am not technically a bird, I felt I was no longer welcome in spaces for and by birds. Its as if I've somehow started believing the black-and-white view of nonhumanity that I see kids on Instagram or Amino share and it has only really recently begun to unravel.
Whenever I experienced traits that could be likened to an Earth species or mythical species, I always felt a bit uneasy discussing them with said species. I suppose I didn't want to intrude on their 'space', but then again, why should I join a community if I am not willing to go and find those I relate to? I'm not sure if I fear being rejected or cast aside like I have done before, but even today I worry about overstepping a boundary or outstaying my welcome. I'm so used to being told I am 'not really one of [us]' and it still manages to affect my will to hit the 'reply' button in many cases.
Despite being a banshee, I do feel like a bird. Despite being a predacon, I do feel like a dragon.
It's a strange thing I've gotten myself into but I am slowly teaching myself that traits are not inherently owned by one species or another and can be shared by many beasts, related or not. Convergent evolution is a thing in nature, why can't it be one in the world of nonhumanity?
I have displayed animalistic behavior since I was a child. I recall wanting to continuously wear tails or gloves with claws on them from costumes meant for Halloween as young as 4. My mom always told me "you are not an animal," and I always found that hard to believe, even as a kid. Around this same period, I had an obsession with canines, specifically dogs; this was noted on a doctors report that I still own to this day.
When I had reached my elementary school years, I began questioning my animal side. In 2005 I saw a documentary on TV that featured a segment on "therians." Upon seeing the segment, I instantly knew that that's what I was, and ran to a computer to do more research. I stumbled upon The Werelist and everything took off from there. I began questioning all sorts of animals; from squirrels and frogs, to horses and all sorts of birds. This soul-searching lasted me quite a few years, until everything led up to me realizing I am a wolf.
I remained inactive in the therianthropy community upon reaching my teen years out of fear of my close-minded mom finding out, which vaguely happened but I continued to cover it up as something else.
Now an adult, I've learned to hide and cope with being more animal than everyone else. Although, things slip through the cracks sometimes. In fact, recently a friend of mine caught me sniffing the air as they made hamburgers, which, was very embarrassing.
My partner, being the understanding person he is, allows me to express my true self when I need to, which can be a huge relief sometimes. Honestly, I just feel like a wolf pretending to be human to please everyone else constantly. I truly feel a disconnect from my outer self and inner self regarding appearance, and although I promise I am aware I am physically human, sometimes I will walk past a mirror and have to do a double take because seeing my human face often surprises me because I expect to see what I feel like.
One way I've found to express my non-human experience is by comparing it to the wolves of Wolf's Rain (cheesy, I know); the wolves are still wolves, but can disguise themselves as human- although to some, it's still obvious that they're wolves. This is expressed in the anime and the manga in the image of a wolf and human overlapping eachother, I have provided a picture I took from the first volume to give a better idea since i am not the best at explaining.
I feel as though this image accurately represents what I experience as a non-human identifier, except the human is the physical one. I am interested in knowing if anyone relates to this image as well.
I honestly very much appreciate dogs, as they feel like creatures I can relate to more closely than humans, and since I understand their behavior (I am an aspiring dog trainer), I can replicate it and cause them to interact with me as if I am another canine. But since I identify as a wolf, I do understand that wolves and dogs behave very differently; two types of behaviors which I consider myself very familiar with and can adapt to.
I often question if I may be a wolfdog due to some personal things, but that idea has just never fully clicked with who I am.
Since I discovered the therianthropy community in the 2000's, I still do like to refer to myself as a were/werewolf, although I do use the term therianthrope often.
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Back when I was a teenager, I was into some cringy Mary Sue stuff. Looking back now, I know that there was a kernel of truth to it. I misinterpreted, but it's also reassuring to see how much I got right on a symbolic level. I used to channel my kin feelings into writing fiction because that was the only outlet I had for it at the time. Computers were just barely starting to be something that regular people might have in their homes, and only if they were geeky hobbyists. I didn't have one until later.
So, my main character was an anthro-hawk woman who was a bit untamed. Still, she carried a sword and dedicated herself to defending her city, with the adobe walls, close to a fertile river valley, on the edge of a desert. She would take side jobs hunting game for the local tavern, delivering packages, and raising some extra coins from fighting in the other tavern. Of course this Mary Sue had the most wonderful soulmate ever. I was obsessed with him.
The guy was an anthropomorphized sun spirit. He also carried a sword and defended the city. He literally glowed and could cook raw meat in the palm of his hand on a sunny day, not that he did that very often. He was also friendly and charismatic, unlike the hawk woman whose wild-like indifference often kept people at a distance. The problem was that he depended on the sun for his own survival. If he exhausted himself, he'd suffer through the cold dark night until the next morning. A fire could help keep him going.
Years later, in college I started writing another story, about an otherkin-type awakening happening in our world. The hawk lady could not even go outside because those wings were just too big to hide, so the guy took her in and watched over her. Except this time he was a vampire. He worked in a nightclub. He was still charismatic, but he was also sarcastic and snarky. He hunted the other "monsters" that were suddenly appearing around the city. Then one morning while trying to help the hawk woman escape, he got caught out in the sunlight and captured.
He didn't turn to ash, but he was severely burned. The people who captured him soon learned that his healing actually accelerated under a sun lamp. His body reconfigured itself into his sun aspect. He regained his sense of compassion, which was always there, just buried. Though he could still be a snarky asshole when he felt like it. In college, while I was writing this character, I did start to suspect that my "soulmate" really was another aspect of myself. (This was after the Horus vision, but I was ignoring the heck out of that back then.)
Just some wild ham-fisted fiction, right? Not exactly. I had been hanging out with the Thunder Being, playing astral cowboy for a time, defending my city and quite determined that the only monster allowed within my territory was me. I was still ignoring the hell out of Horus, though my actions proved that ignoring it didn't make it go away. Then Ra stepped in and decided he'd had enough of my denials. He scorched the crap out of my energy every morning for two and a half months. I was terrified that it would never end. Even as it burned, I craved more, like I had been starving for who knows how many years. The burn is all energy, but I also feel it as a physical sensation under my skin, first a build up of pressure and then something like heat followed by something like sunburn. (My studies in Tai Chi have taught me that there is a link between chi and the connective tissues in the body, so it probably does create something of a physical reaction in me.) Being burned by the sun until it rewired me to its liking was apparently a prophetic idea. My writing predicted that transformation years in advance.
I've been sensitive to those energies ever since, though the intensity varies from day to day. Some days I sleep through it. Some days it wakes me up and I ignore it and go back to sleep. Some days it's blissful and I find myself begging for more. Some days the pressure builds, and some days it burns. It's usually more intense when I've exhausted myself the day before. I suspect that the faster I pull it in, the hotter it feels. It's strongest in spring and summer. In fall it starts to have something like an unpleasant metallic taste to it as it slowly diminishes. In winter, I just sort of drag myself along. I can usually detect the first hopeful hints of spring before the temperature starts to warm.
I insist, with a snarl in my voice, that I am not a vampire. It's possible I "doth protest too much." The psi vampires would put me in the elemental category because of my dependence on solar energy. And it is true that I have to watch myself in winter because I am capable of taking energy from other sources, and might do so accidentally. A few weeks ago someone wandered by and mentioned the Aset Ka, and I snarled then too. Putting Kemeticism and vampirism together? That feels like summoning and celebrating the diminished form, an aberration. There may be some kernel of truth, but it seems to ignore that the great big flaming ball in the sky is the true source of immortality and power. Toss those Anne Rice books out the window already. Egypt was not about death. It was about a life force so strong that it defies death, and you didn't have to steal it, just embrace it. Ride on the solar barque and risk the sun's heat to become a Shining One if the Field of Reeds isn't good enough for you.
Is this another territorial reaction of "no monsters here but me?" Maybe a resentment of how close to the line I'm already sitting? Maybe annoyance at people who confuse desperation with power. Maybe recognition that my own energy state is variable enough that I don't take it for granted, and I'd be majorly pissed at anyone who disrupted it without my consent. The consent thing is a big issue. I don't tend to snarl at people who respect that line, and I've been a willing energy donor myself a few times when I've had extra to spare. Lots of mixed feelings on the subject.
But yeah, that "soulmate" guy was part of me all along.
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For a few months, I’d been getting phantom shifts that I thought were odd. At first, I didn’t even know what they were. But even when I found that out they were still perplexing. During these shifts, I felt as if I were missing limbs. Most often it was either one leg or both arms, but it was different every so often. The ones involving my arms had been going on for a lot longer (an estimated five months), but the ones involving my legs started more recently (two or three months ago). I could see that my limbs were still there, but I had no control over them. And the fact that they were still there made me feel strangely uncomfortable. These shifts weren’t particularly painful, but obviously the feeling of missing limbs isn’t all too pleasant.
The first time I tried to walk when my leg was gone in one of these shifts, it was definitely tricky. I felt like I couldn’t balance and actually fell, even though both feet should have been firmly planted on the ground. After the first few times this happened, I figured out how to push through it and move somewhat normally.
The most stressful thing was that I couldn’t figure out why I was getting these phantom shifts. There was a certain character I figured maybe I was kin with, but maybe isn’t enough to be sure of anything. Not only that, but that character had never lost any limbs so it wouldn’t explain the phantom shifts. Sure, the shifts could have been due to a different fictotype or kintype, but it turns out that wasn’t it. I just identify as a different character, plain and simple. And I’m completely sure of this one. It’s more than just the phantom shifts of course, but I’ll describe more things in detail another time.
Elvenportal has a good list, but quite a few of the links are broken, so I've gone through and picked out ones that aren't! These are Sites that I found useful/informative. Please feel free to comment with sites you would like to see up here!Quote
Silver Elves - A good starting resource! A group of Elves who help other elves find their place!
Elvin Portal- A lot of good resources involving Elfin exploration!
Elenari.net - Another good site for finding yourself/finding answers!
Rialian.com - More info about Elfinkin
Rialian.com - A non-Tolkien Elven language!
Catharism - A potential 12th-14th century Elfin group in France!
The Cathars/Catharism (2) - Hybrid DNA
Elfin Awakening - Elfin Blog with good information
Lostkin - Otherkin Memory Recollection
Eristic - Big resource, lots of resources to other sites too.
The Fair Folk - An Essay/Chapter about Elfin kind
Otherkin Resources - A sort-of mini-hub for resources of Otherkin.
Otherkin Fandom Wiki - FANDOM wiki site of Otherkin!
Elfkind Digest - A sort-of magazine/digest providing more info on Elfin'kin and Otherkin!
Tolkien High Elves - A discussion about Finnish centric games.
Wanya yassen i'taure e' seere, (Depart with the forest peacefully),
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Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not; But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~
I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3
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I haven't been here and elsewhere again, as usual when I get caught up in certain things. But this drawing caused a stir in me....so if I found myself on the forums, I had to post this journal. It was important.
Allendria had stepped heavily into my life changed it- it had become more focused, mixed feelings with understanding. I've come to walk in her pawsteps. Her aura of indigos intertwined with my shades of purples, not quite an overtake but enough to leave a clawed print. I'm not sure how it started off--perhaps she wanted control but became more diplomatic and settled into a deep emphatic understanding.
It was a strong unwavering urge that drove me to find about the species of my soul- as I made clear in my awakening post. I write and draw for my inner zhuard, and to depict my dimension and those in it. It's an internal drive in part by Allendria as well...and I think I've drawn her--me-- here with my rawest presentation.
It's a deep connection, and it becomes hard to describe for some (for writing purposes and retelling my visions/memories, I will speak of Allendria in the third person often. She still is an individual but we're quite melded enough for me to be comfortable in a saying 'me'...she's NOT a alter/headmate or what have you. She is not an external force).
Regardless, I can only share how powerful that bond is through my art and writings- and for some particular pieces moreso than others. Hopefully for those that see it they can understand that it's not just a pretty piece....it's my livelihood, it's my soul, my visions.
I knew my art style was going to take a turn, and I cannot quite describe how, but I think I'm just being mindful and very in tune with my zhuard self. Though even my past life as a wolf I remember such beauty of nature, so that definitely helps. I'm very proud with how this turned out in several ways, given the above. I've been trying out a few things here, updated some custom stuff. I really really had fun doing the background and am happy to draw more ones like it. Of course, time allowing. But in general even my sketches seem a little different to me, in a good way! I still have a few things in the works, no rush on those.
Some would call it a pipedream I suppose- mainly because zhuards do not exist in this dimension, or are "too large" (disbelief seems to soar if a creature is bigger than a human I've found in many cases). The feeling is far too deep ad ingrained in me. It has been for years and will continue to be. Eight years ongoing.
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Hi. im Dragon Runes. i'm a contherian & a polytherian and I've been in the otherkin community for about 6 years, i come across as a very morbid person at first but please don't let that stop you from reaching out to me. Below is a few bits of general information about me.
Name - Dragon Runes, Runes, Echo & Dragon. (not my real name)
Gender - Genderfluid.
Pronouns - they/them or she/her
Age - 17
Kitypes - Wolf, Fox, Deer, Raccoon, Deer, Bear, American bison, Crystal dragon, Shadow Dragon, & Wendigo
Main likes - warm spaces, being outside, tea, art & photography.
Main dislikes - pushy people, bullying, art thieves.
Going into depth on a few hobbies of mine, I'm an artist. I love the vulture culture and that often shows in a lot of my work. I'm also interested in mortuary science and forensic pathology. im a green witch, i love plants and animals and i love to take photos of my path and nature itself. im also into anime and animation and ive been working on a few things for a small animation too.
I love alot of dark and morbid things and if you would like to talk to me about those things i will not start the conversation due to the fact it may come on too strong and it may make people uncomfortable. if you would like to talk about those things I will give you another way to talk to me.
Why am i here?
- I'm interested in joining the community to hopefully meet new people. I love meeting new people and I would love to hear other people's side of otherkinity. In the community, I'm apart of I feel like not many people share experiences so I'm hoping to find that here.
How significant is therianthropy to you & How did you come across Therianthropy?
- Therianthropy has become a large part of my life. It has gotten to be so big and embedded in my past, present and future that I hardly think about it. I came across the topic through youtube, by cringe videos. When I started looking more into it I was putting names to the experiences I've been having since I could remember. This all started happening around the middle school.
Are you a therian & What is/are your theriotype(s)?
- Yes, i am. But i have come to consider myself otherkin since it's the umbrella term for it! My kintypes listed above in the short bio i wrote.
How did you find your theriotype/s & Do you believe that your therianthropy is spiritual, psychological, neurological, or something else in origin?
- Like i said above, i found the community through cringe videos and shortly after that i used a few techniques that many people used to discover there kintypes and out of those things AP and Meditation worked the best for me. I believe my identity is a mix of spiritual and psychological. It's very hard for me to explain.
but yeah. that's me lol! I hope to get to know many of you here!!
If anyone would like to get ahold of me, you can find me here!
(none of the accounts use my personal information!)
Art and business email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Therian amino - Dragon Runes
The therian guide forum - Dragon Runes
Instagram - @luna_footprint
Snapchat - @lrunes666
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So if anyone has been observing, though I haven't posted on this site in a good month or two, I have not been actually away. As I used to do, I've been lurking, watching, inferring, and waiting.
And though I was tempted to simply just leave, I made a decision, and one that I gave a great deal of though at that.
I am not going to be bullied away simply because I don't subscribe to the party line.
How I was treated was bullying, plain and simple, and though I am mature enough to simply just deal with it, it must be addressed.
I will continue to be here because I have as much of a right as anyone else if this site allows impressionable kids to be here, then I, an actual Otherkin, deserve to be here as well.
I have made my point repeatedly, and been proven time again by this website that my assertations are correct. Alas, appeals to logic are not something that many here seemingly respond to, when compared to appeals to emotion and ideals, which have no basis in discussion, are favored and treated as end-all, be-all ways of shutting down dissenting speech.
This site has left me with a bad taste in the mouth towards other Otherkin, simply because I was told before this whole dilemma that this site wasn't like that. It was different from the other places that simply couldn't even handle someone having a different opinion than their own, and had to use emotion based arguments in order to perform an attack on character, instead of actually refuting my statements.
In my time away I have thought about a lot, and either changed my stances on some things, or only crystallized them further.
I will not lie, many Otherkin make me laugh as their absurdity, when they act high and mighty, then cry and whine about how mistreated they are by the average, and normal, people outside of their subculture.
And unlike many people, I do not require anyone else's validation and confirmation about my identity. Because I am secure in it, it doesn't bother me when someone has stances or opinions that are contrary to my own, because I am a grown adult, and I don't need hand holding.
Hand-holding, especially on the internet, for adults only shows that you shouldn't even be on the internet, because the internet is an exchange of ideas, and opinions, and people have strong ones, ones you are not going to like, and painting them as hateful when your own evidence is both contradictory and not logical, is astoundingly immature.
I don't think kids should be on this site at all because many kids below the age of 18 are simply so starving for attention from everyone that they will begin to force themselves to take on an identity that isn't them simply to fit in. By not only welcoming them with open arms, encouraging them that they are Otherkin, is actually really psychologically manipulative.
The assumption that one isn't Otherkin, and should really think about the reasons why they feel like they might be Otherkin, and to be upfront and tell them that it's not fun to have a divergent sense of self image and physical image at all should be the default because we aren't some secret group that so many people are a part of, we're a small group of neurologically different humans. It's not something that's just so deep and spiritual, that is like a new outfit to make you more interesting. It's a condition that will impact you, your self image, your mental health, and your relationships for the rest of your lives. Otherkin isn't like fashion or music, where it's a matter of taste and preference, being Otherkin is knowing that your mind isn't the right shape anymore and something went wrong and changed you somewhere back in the past.
And when someone says that they "don't know what I am yet" or that they "have thought I was multiple different things" is a big red flag to me, as it shows that they came in with the mindset that they are inhuman without any real provocation, then just make something up to fit in, and then change later when they want to, really bad vibes from people like that.
By not being skeptical about someone at the age of 14 claiming they are non-human, considering it's in the age range where bio-chemistry is really fucking with their minds, is actually doing more harm than good for these kids as a whole. You're telling them that they can do whatever they want with no social repercussions. This mindset is what's created "woke" and "cancel" culture, horrifying tools of censorship, and oppression, which has lead to positively encouraging people towards joining, and lauding, actual domestic terrorism with groups like Anfita.
You are saying, technically, to be introspective and think about it but that we'll treat you as a full fledged member of this identity until future notice, but really saying, "You're Otherkin and you can be anything you want, even if it's not true, even if you're not Otherkin."
This is what leads to kids claiming to have lists of kintypes that are based on forced shifts and lies, and fictotypes because they can't differentiate between liking and identifying with a character and being and identifying as that character. Just wait a year or two when that character isn't as important to them anymore, and they now have to carry it around as a weight in order to pretend they weren't the exact thing they said they weren't. It leads to them forcing delusions upon their own minds in order to fit in among all the others who have done the same, creating a horrible negative feedback loop of lies, delusions, and immaturity.
I know there will be claims and cries of, "Fenrir! How could you even?! Being critical and skeptical of children who don't know any better is so wrong and uncultured! You'll only cause more problems for them later!"
Which is wrong.
And here is why!
1) I could even quite easily! I do it quite often, really. I even every day, it's very freeing.
2) Yes, some children are very deep and might know but that chance is so small, and very rare. Most children under the age of 18 don't even know who they are as humans yet, much less that they are some sort of inhuman entity. We should be encouraging them, and every Otherkin while I'm at this, that they are human first and foremost. Even if you believe you weren't human in a past life, you are now, and denying that would be the same as denying that past life by that very logic. That not every single on of their personality traits has to be connected to being Otherkin, or every interest tied to your alternative identity. I love cephalopods, personally, I adore them and think they are so cool, but that's my own personal interest. It has nothing to do with my Truth, and I don't need to try and force a connection because I am mature enough to know that not everything about me has to tie to a single personal trait. Your labels don't have to be so interconnected that they are functionally the same thing, you are a collection of labels. A collection of traits and tags that connect and form the information that is you. They don't all have to be super meaningful, and it's better that some aren't. I used to love seeing how fast it took me to swim out to the dock each time I went swimming at the ponds, not because it had some grand connection to my Truth, but simply because I wanted to get better each time, and for my parents to praise my skill.
3) It's actually much better for these kids to be faced with skepticism and logic, because this will teach them to be critical themselves, and to judge information on a case-by-case basis, rather than letting emotions make their decisions for them. Many "problems" in society today aren't actually the big problems we are told they are, but the appeal to emotions blinds people from seeing beyond the smokescreen of lies and misinformation masquerading as fact. We are creating people with separatist mindsets, who think that they are so different, and that they should be treated differently than the "normal" people, when we should be creating a culture of integrationists, who seek to show normal people that we're normal as well, just with some odd traits and beliefs, but still people as well. The separatist mindset, and the activism associated with it, will only bring about what I dub the "collapsing the acceptance threshold." By demanding so much, and expecting every crazy idea to be accepted by everyone or your a bigot is only making the average person more hateful of you and everything you say, and is only going to set back the acceptance of subcultures by decades because people will decide, "Hey, you know what? I'm tired of being called a bigot by these people. They are crazy! And you know what else? Fuck them, they think they're better than all of us, well, we'll show them that they're wrong." It's only creating more division and derision towards the people who have real alternative life systems, who simply want to be accepted, because the people who are creating this culture will simply decide it wasn't fun and cool anymore to pretend to be a part of the group now, so whatever towards the people they fucked over, time for the next place to have fun.
4) I have personally been on both ends of the dilemma, and believe me, having someone be skeptical of me, and really force me to look at my stances and my feelings, and beliefs was actually the best thing that someone could have done to me, considering the horrible state of mind I was in. I was very confused, and I latched on to whatever identity made me "special" enough to be noticed, and whatever would get me attention because I felt so empty and alone and in pain. People encouraging the kind of mindsets we as Otherkin are encouraging in teens and kids is only making it harder for them to be honest, because all they want is to be loved and accepted unconditionally, even about things that aren't actually accurate about them, and the mindless acceptance of such beliefs is only going to make this even worse, until lying about who you are to be accepted is the new norm (FYI it already is and is ruining modern society.) Being loved and accepted are noble desires, and I do believe are good things, but accepting things that are false, or are delusions are not going to help anyone in the long run, only make things much worse.
Now, I know that many of you here will not agree with me, probably never agree with me, and guess what? That's fine by me. I have made my opinions known, and will answer actual questions about them, and defend them if I need, or change them if given real evidence of them being wrong. Appeals to emotion don't sway me anymore, because I know now that doing what's right isn't doing what your emotions tell you, it's doing what is best even if you don't like it.
Just as one can be open minded and accepting without accepting everything under the sun.
I find it quite liberating to be so diametrically opposite to many of the residents here. It shows, right out of the box, that I'm willing to make myself a pariah to stand by my beliefs. My beliefs, forged by deep though, philosophy, and logic, are what make me myself. I judge everything, case-by-case, and make my own decisions on them, and you can see that by the fact that I will say what I believe, even if no one else likes that opinion. That I have the willpower and backbone to belief what I believe even if those like me hate me for it. Just like how I walked away from the Democratic Party, or how I turned from feminism once I saw that it was actually not about equality, but women superiority, pushing me towards egalitarianism and being anti-feminism and pushing for the equal treatment of men in modern society, and how I refuse to participate in the LGBT culture because it's incredibly toxic and a time bomb, or how I advocate for capitalism, or stronger borders and an anti-globalist agenda, among many other things.
Does that mean that I'm going to go to threads I know I won't agree with, then get upset about it? Hell no. I'm not immature, or stupid. Wanting to be outraged is a huge indicator of immaturity, and one that I don't want in my life anymore. Just as asking someone a question when you know they won't give you a answer you like is immature, as is expecting them to cave in to your emotion based demands and character attacks, and force them to change to your own way of thinking is both immature, and downright offensive.
Do I expect to change the minds of anyone here with my words?
No. Not really. I know y'all won't like what I have to say, but, alas, I am going to say them anyway.
I can be friendly and kind to those who don't believe as I do. That is sadly something that people today have not learned to do, or even that it exists.
Attacking people who believe differently than you, and using emotion based attacks, and character attacks to end a discussion only makes them hate you, and hate your side even more, whereas logic and proof will help change the minds of those who oppose you much better, just like how right-wing commentators are proven to be better at de-radicalizing people than liberals who only make people they come into contact with much more radical.
oh and by the way y'all I asked my trans friends about that whole thing and I was told time and again I wasn't being transphobic, so