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    Tick tock tick tock the clock is counting down. Tick tock tick tock and soon the earth will drown.  Tick tock tock tick no more suffering will resound. Tock tick tick tock without humans nature will rebound.

  1. So, I haven't been very active here in a while, although I've lurked and responded to some stuff off and on, mildly. This is a general update on how I'm doing, since I'm coming up on my fourth year of being in this community and actively accepting my belief and identity as the Devil. It's also almost been a year since my first memory smacked me upside the head, and I have basically been non-stop shifty ever since. It's to the point where at times I'm like "am I the otherkin equivalent of a contherian?" Is that terminology even useful for me at all, though? 

    I'm not 100% sure why, but within the past week I've suddenly been hit with an onslaught of mental shifting and more memory recall, again maybe because I'm coming up on a year since that first one? I have a bunch of thoughts bouncing around in my head, from that thought to wondering when the anniversary of my Fall would be on our calendar and if that could potentially cause an upset or rise in shifting/memory for me. In total, I've had about five memories; the most recent one was moreso a memory layered over a "feeling", or imagined scenario. The scene itself was, I believe, simply serving as a parallel to a scene I have been through more than once, so a specific memory was not called into my head, but instead a replacement and/or trigger for it and the associated emotions and actions.

    However, when I talk about this, I have to dance around the subject. Because of all the memories I've recalled at this point, almost none of them are things I'm comfortable sharing the exact details of. Not now, not ever. This can be a little awkward in the angelkin community, where it can be normal to give out details of your traumatic death/torture/Fall memories, a habit which I've always found kind of weird but each to their own on what you're comfortable sharing, I guess. For me, I'm not comfortable sharing it beyond summary or vague implications - but I still want to talk about it and the associated emotion with people who understand. So I find myself in a weird sidestep dance around what I've experienced.

  2. (I had one lyric about pendulums, and I already used it on the forum, sadly.)

     

    I'm not usually one who follows ideas of "divination" and "spirits" and "magick" and all that stuff. I feel like an idiot when I'm making use of my mini-shrine trying to communicate with Pan, and that's just talking. I never thought about going beyond that, really. But when I was discussing some of my theories on Discord, somebody suggested using a pendulum for communication, after warding it. I thought to myself, hey, why the hell not? The worst case scenario is that nothing comes from it. So as long as I'm ready to take everything I find with a huge pinch of salt, I should be OK. With that in mind, I did a little bit of research and gave it a try.

     

    I used a turquoise necklace I already had as my pendulum, and "warded" it using incense and focusing on the purpose I had in mind. That part felt kind of silly, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. After warding, I established that I was trying to talk to Pan, and determined what meant "yes" and "no" both by asking and by trying some questions that I already knew the answers to. Once I was satisfied, I started asking about my past life, and that's where things got interesting. Again, everything should come with a big pinch of salt.

     

    Assuming I was actually communicating with Pan, he told me that contrary to my working theory, I was not a victim of transformation in my past life. He said I was a faun in that life, but oddly, I was born as a centaur. So that was weird. I then established that I was some manner of shapeshifter. Furthermore, my past life father was a shapeshifter too, and an immortal one at that, but not a god or a titan. My past life mother, meanwhile, was a mortal, though I didn't ask if she was human. Finally, Pan revealed that I was a student of his in my past life, but that we met later in that life when I came looking for him. That was all I could get before he was finished answering questions.

     

    Obviously I'm not taking any of this at face value, and I plan to do it again soon to try to "verify" the phenomenon. But it's still interesting to think about what this could mean if it's true. The biggest question I'm left with is, what's immortal and a shapeshifter but not a god or titan? Limiting myself just to Greek mythology, I found a few possibilities. First up is Phobetor, a personification of dreaming that could appear in the mortal world in the forms of animals and could change his form at will. Whether Phobetor qualifies as a god seems to be hazy based on my very little research, so it's quite possible that Pan wouldn't consider him one, even if he was immortal. Proteus is another interesting possibility; he was more likely to be called a god than Phobetor, but he was known to change form often. Those are the two obvious things I found, but I also found myself drawn to Typhon for some reason. I described him in a prior entry; he's not a god or a shapeshifter, but he is immortal and has been shown with various animal parts. I dunno.

     

    I'm not going to put too much stock into this before doing a bit more to verify things, of course. But it is interesting to think about. It really did seem like the pendulum was working, though I realize it responds to hand movements. Perhaps next time I'll try doing it without holding the pendulum myself. I'll write more if anything else comes up. In the meantime, I am intrigued about the possibilities, and especially Phobetor given how well he seems to match what I "learned."

  3. I've sort of developed a self-conscious rule for myself and my own experiences that I am not allowed to associate myself with creatures or communities I can identify with if I am not technically one of them. The easiest example I can think of is my involvement with avians and therianthropes: as a mountain banshee, I do experience traits that are heavily birdlike and once led me to falsely identify as a Terran bird. As I am not technically a bird, I felt I was no longer welcome in spaces for and by birds. Its as if I've somehow started believing the black-and-white view of nonhumanity that I see kids on Instagram or Amino share and it has only really recently begun to unravel.

    Whenever I experienced traits that could be likened to an Earth species or mythical species, I always felt a bit uneasy discussing them with said species. I suppose I didn't want to intrude on their 'space', but then again, why should I join a community if I am not willing to go and find those I relate to? I'm not sure if I fear being rejected or cast aside like I have done before, but even today I worry about overstepping a boundary or outstaying my welcome. I'm so used to being told I am 'not really one of [us]' and it still manages to affect my will to hit the 'reply' button in many cases.

    Despite being a banshee, I do feel like a bird. Despite being a predacon, I do feel like a dragon.

    It's a strange thing I've gotten myself into but I am slowly teaching myself that traits are not inherently owned by one species or another and can be shared by many beasts, related or not. Convergent evolution is a thing in nature, why can't it be one in the world of nonhumanity?

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    I'm going to use this post to journal dreams, because I can.

    April 12, 2020: I was forced to take a test about music in order to leave a building I was being held captive in. If I did not complete the test in time, or failed to get a high enough score, I would be impaled. I had 2 hours, measured by a timer locked to my wrist. The problem was, there were several others also taking this test, for the same reasons. The test givers ran out of copies. They promised to print me a copy, and that my timer wouldn't be started until they gave me the new copy. But they started to screw around instead of getting the new copy of the test, and my timer had started anyway. I decided to try and print the test myself, but the printer wouldn't cooperate, and instead printed off several copies of someone else's finished test. I realized, while looking at it, that the answers were mostly nonsense. I asked the test givers again if they would get me a copy, and this time, they said I was on my own to figure it out. I began searching for the test template. I couldn't find it. One hour had already passed, and most of the others were starting to finish. I yelled at the test givers. "Damn it, I'm going to be IMPALED!" They looked at each other and laughed. "Haha, you're not getting impaled! That was a joke. Here's the test." They finally gave me a copy, and I sat down to start...and then the timer went off. Excuse me? The test givers laughed again, and a guy busted down the door with a large sharpened pole. "This whole test was a joke!" I looked at them. What? "You're getting impaled!" The dream ended with a bunch of the "test takers" from before circling me and the guy positioning the pole towards me. I just said "aw man" and the dream ended before I got impaled.

  4. Something we’ve never done, is to put all of these ‘memories’, all of these flashes of what might be, together publicly. I am not naturally open, I do not trust others with my innermost thoughts, I see no point when so many are crude in their attempts at understanding and carelessly tread upon what is held dear to myself. Both this life and within DL has taught me as to other’s disregard of my emotions and innermost thoughts. Ultimately people do not care to a standard I recognise as 'care’, perhaps as a result of my own high expectations.

    But, I will not digress further. What I am about to put to words is what I 'know’… regardless of how unreliable such an experience can be. The malleable nature of the mind is at times dreadfully inconvenient, and does leave me on the edge of true acceptance. So, with that in mind, we shall begin.

    Childhood

    I was born as Karlheinz and Beatrix’s second child and lived my childhood within one of father’s castles, and though I struggle to remember it, originally Beatrix did have some interest in my welfare. It was however before I passed my second or third year that things began to deteriorate.
    Cordelia’s antagonising of mother had started before I was born, and the initial stages of care was more from her natural feelings of obligation rather than a relaxed form of 'love’, but, I’m not one to talk of such things, as I don’t believe I ever saw her as she might have once been before my conception.

    Sakamaki.Reiji_full.1691455.jpg.04a7da7b72506bdaba91290e80b99517.jpgThe transition away from mother’s care was gradual, where more and more times I would be kept under watch by the maids within the castle. I did attempt to garter some concept of 'love’ or care beyond duty from them also, but they were always resistant, and before I turned 6 I was already closing up. I had been told quite often what and who I was, and through that I justified my existence, for, to consider the thought of being 'unwanted’ was far too unpleasant to dwell upon.
    I was a vampire prince, I could one day take my father’s position - At least, that’s what the maids told me. Mother would speak similarly, but with her own twist on the latter, “You shall one day serve your brother as his advisory.” or such similar dismissals of my own capabilities.

    Though her constant rejection of myself, I ran through many different theories or ideas as to why this might be. One point was my eyes. Though there are many who argue about it within this 'fandom’, I can not see clearly without my glasses. My eyesight is not abysmal without them, but it is certainly weak enough to require them. This, for a vampire is rather a sign of weakness. If I’d been born into any position other than the one I was, I’d likely have been subjected to rather more in the way of mocking comments or teasing jabs. Later on my half-siblings certainly wouldn’t refrain from such comments, though it was quickly lessened through my own 'encouragement’ for them to stop.

    I developed a strong interest in the sciences, particularly chemistry, an interest that later developed into cooking also, though this is 68320171_p24_master1200.thumb.jpg.96db570b3be340fac1f78140fd84a29b.jpgwhere some minor motions away from the 'canon’ do start to seep in. Cooking never became a 'passion’ of mine, it was simply an extension of chemistry for me. I was doing it at father’s behest; I did it because I was told to, it was simply a bonus that I found it mildly interesting for it’s more technical side. My cooking would also tend to be a fair sight more 'interesting’ for quite a time.

    I experimented while younger, it’s what young minds do best. The Demon World doesn’t have plants like the Human World does, but it does have quite the wide array of poisonous plants, toxic and venomous animals and various other, sometimes magical, components for alchemy. I certainly didn’t shy from trying everything I could get my hands on, as I was left to my own devices a majority of the time. Classes were not regularly scheduled for me as they were for Shu, so I had rather a lot of free time to explore.
    The area around the castle was vast, with a dark forest that usually we as children wouldn’t have been allowed to enter. I’d collect herbs or other ingredients there and quickly run back to 'play’ with them. I enjoyed this 'work’ so much, but what I really wanted was to show my work. I didn’t like to admit it, but I was often at times lonely for recognition. Companionship I was relatively content without at that age, I enjoyed what I did and that was all I needed. Books, potions and the freedom to explore those freely.

    Abilities

    Something else that certainly isn’t covered at all within the writings of DL was our abilities. These I did attend sessions with Shu for, though they did little but to further embed the feeling of inferiority. Vampire children, specially those born with our blood would be taught very quickly to learn the use of their abilities.

    Some individuals would be better in some areas that others, but for a list of them all it isn’t much different to what it canonly understood:

    • Teleportation
    • Hypnosis
    • Flight
    • Transformation
    • Familiar Summoning & Control
    • Energy Perception

    Along with also natural traits we were born with being above that of humans, being physical strength, physical durability, healing, sight (if you weren’t me), hearing and energy perception.

    Energy Perception, for a little elaboration is essentially the ability to feel the presence of others. With training yours could be lessened and you could detect others more easily. It’s rather similar to the concept of auras or empathic reading that persons here can train themselves to do - or be born with a natural gift to be able to easily. It’s the same concept.

    Bat Forms

    I remember the lessons with Shu in particular regarding our transformations into our bat form. For many families it is the sign of a child entering into adolescence, and the first time it is done to be seen as the blossoming of one’s vamprism. You could see it akin to a baby speaking their first word. Unfortunately Shu was able to transform before myself, and mother rather joyously praised him infront of us as he hung upside from her outstretched hand. It is not a pleasant memory, but rather few are.
    There are however two stages for us with pure blood. Where’s most vampires could change into a small bat form, usually for flying across larger distances, fitting into small locations, quick getaways or similar, we could also change into a much larger bat form. If you follow my blog here you may have seen them depicted a number of times.

    1204200399_BatbyInane-Cypher.png.c5e167ad0e754710c500e9e53f71477f.pngWhen a pure blood vampire learns how to change into that form is is more a sign of adulthood - Which leads me to clarify that the 'ages’ we have been assigned naturally do not reflect the actuality of our time spent alive. Age, as a concept works rather differently for us as vampires, but we’ll come back to this in a moment.
    I don’t recall when or how Shu learned to change into his larger form, I wasn’t there to bare witness. I actually don’t remember any of the others learning for the first time clearly, but we may reflect to see if we recall any in more detail with my younger siblings. I have a feeling Subaru might have done his by accident while in a fit of rage inside the mansion.
    My first time was outside, within the forest, isolated. So, if that is anything to go by, one might consider that the norm, and why I do not recall any other’s first times. However I do seem to remember Ayato appearing flying above the mansion yelling at everyone to look at him. I can only guess that was his first time, though we didn’t see the transformation it’s self.

    Generally speaking, we tended not to use our large forms. We had little need to, and they consumed a fair chunk of our energy to change into and to change back out of again. I know that I have seen all of my sibling’s forms at least once, along with mother’s, Karlheinz’s and Christa’s, but I don’t recall ever seeing Cordelia’s, which is why on the chart we made it is admittedly a guess, rather than done from memory.

    Dating Memories and Time

    Time is an incredibly hard thing to get down linearly when I was born in the castle in the Demon World yet later moved into the Human World. To my knowledge, time passes faster here in the Human World than it does in the Demon World, but if you were to move between them you wouldn’t notice any difference till your return back to your own world. Why do I believe this the case? There’s a tremendous amount of reasons, both originating from my own memories and also what is both stated, and implied in canon.

    The Fire

    The first time marker I have to go off of is when I discovered Shu slipping into the Human World through a gateway within the Demon World forest. I must have been the physical equivalent of around 7 at the time. The gateway lead to another forest in the Human World that eventually gave way to a small isolated town. I never visited myself, but I did catch myself 'human watching’ a few times, really just a chance to reaffirm to myself my own superiority. I never spoke to any humans, but the sun was bright and irritated so I often wouldn’t stay long.
    This eventually did lead to the rather infamous event of setting that small town ablaze. The reasons for this are complex, personal and would take us off topic to go into. So if curious, do go and read one of the wonderful character analysis some fans have written for me.

    I didn’t stay to watch the fire, though I wished I had. It was done at night after learning the time cycle between our worlds so that the time of day would be just right. There was a stables near the edge, and I crept in to undo the doors for all of the horses first before setting the barn alight. The large amount of straw there worked as a firestarter, and the wooden building it’s self enabled the flames to catch hold.
    Many of the buildings nearby were also comprised of mostly wood and/or thatched roofs, allowing the flames to spread and hop between buildings. As I fled I remember hearing a bell tolling as someone spotted the quickly expanding fire.

    tumblr_p9vdtgFBLL1x7ssjio4_1280.thumb.jpg.95b2f70aee03b5d6661aa49d86b6bfe8.jpg

    DL, if you might not be aware, takes many notes of it’s world’s history from this world’s. This can be seen the most with the Mukami’s and their background, but unfortunately their influence I feel is something that might have distorted the original timeline.
    It would get into an awful lot more off-topic conversation to elaborate more on my Fictional Life Theory, perception equating to actuality and the link between this world and that of DL through mental retention while this post is already dreadfully long. So for now I’ll still to my original memories and maybe at some other time return back to that of alternative timelines.
    Though upon saying that, due to the fact I didn’t stay to watch, I actually know very little about what happened thereafter. The little I remember is simply the building architecture and the surrounding area. All I could say for sure is that it was European in origin and likely 17th-18th Century.

    Returning to the Castle the next day I did hear many hushed whispers between the maids about the fire, and that, “Many humans died.” Though I believe that this may actually be an exaggeration now with the death toll only reaching 20 or so when I’d gone my entire life believing it was somewhere in the hundreds.

    The Castle

    tumblr_pebt1cI9Ei1s3jp91o1_1280.thumb.jpg.18c49d302e4e56d5817e0fca75f4e98a.jpgThe Castle it’s self was truly beyond anything that humans could create here. It’s size was beyond any Human World structure, with a 16th Century interior and a somewhat distorted 16th Century exterior. I remember it’s seemingly mile high walls stretching high into the grey sky with many arches supporting it’s grandeur. This wasn’t just a normal castle, it was one constructed by Karlheinz himself, and it showed that in it’s might. The structure it’s self was incredibly imposing, as if it was some sleeping behemoth that might start to shudder and shake and come alive in an instant.
    There were however a few gargoyles that would sit on the corners. They weren’t made of stone, but actual demonic familiars. There weren’t many, but we could sometimes see them hopping between the high arches with their wings outstretched. They were there to keep us safe from other vampire clans, but an attack never happened, so we never saw them in action.

    This wasn’t the castle where Karlheinz worked from/lived, but rather created solely for his wives. An amusing thought is comparing it to a holiday home, though that might also be seen as rather an insult to his work, so I’ll refrain. There were three separate sections within it, one for each of his wives. Beatrix, Shu and I had the right wing, Cordelia and her sons had the centre and Christa and Subaru had the left.
    The design of the castle was asymmetrical, and as long as I spent living there I never got to see all of it’s hidden areas. It was filled with corridors, passageways, stairs seemingly leading nowhere, a multitude of rooms for just about everything, a ball room, a swimming pool (yes even back then, there was an outdoors one also), large kitchens, a laboratory, at least two libraries, multiple games rooms and more.

     

    Oh, I have gone off topic detailing about just about everything now haven’t I? There’s honestly far more that can be said, but if you’re wanting to hear about that it’s perhaps better you just contact me directly. I don’t bite.. So to speak.

    There’s other events to cover, such as Cordelia and Beatrix’ demise, but we’ll save that for another time and jump straight to the topic of brides.

     

    Sacrificial Brides

    You might ask, did Karlheinz send you brides? And the answer would be yes, and the same fate befell them as you might already be aware.
    It was very rare I ever involved myself, I left most of the 'interactions’ between them and the triplets usually, as they were the most interested in that sort of thing. There were only a few human girls who would try their luck with me, unfortunately I wasn’t interested in being charitable any more than the others. Their interest in me would quickly wane upon interacting, and that would rather set off a chain reaction.
    I don’t handle being ignored well, you understand. If you start something you should finish your goal, and I have little patience for those who don’t follow through. I would see echoes of my past in them, as I’m sure most of us did. They were dolls we projected our lives onto, and they suffered the result of that.

    However, disregarding all of the previous minor alterations from the 'canon’, this is the largest fork in the timeline, as I’m unsure if Yui appeared at all. Honestly the options are between, “Yui did join us, but did not pick me. It’s also unlikely she had Cordelia’s heart.” or “Yui didn’t join us.” Either case, the girls send to us was like drip-feeding, which does bring up the point of how we would feed but again, a topic for another time.

    The result of Yui never involving herself with me meant that tensioned continued to rise in the mansion. Being forced into a much smaller space as we were now made conflicts more common, and my relation to Shu, though already sour was nearing it’s breaking point - Till eventually, it did.

    The Thereafter624122483_ReijivsShu.thumb.jpg.1e4fc5de8496f83d8f26b27e9c39ab07.jpg

    I had already rid myself of mother, my next target had always been Shu. Without the counterbalance of Yui my focus shifted away from resurrecting mother, and purely onto Shu. The one who continued now to take advantage of my behaviours to live in denial and avoid the world around him. In short, I challenged him. One final duel. One final fight to the death.
    This wasn’t practise, this wasn’t brotherly sparing, this was my declaration for his end, and so we fought. Details again I’ll.. Have to write another time. But this is the most prominent point of my memories.

    The end result was that I won, just. He’d almost crushed my skull but a split second prior to my final blow. Beyond here things do get rather.. Well, I’d say 'personal’, but this entire post has been. But I was rather 'out of my right mind’ after killing Shu. I took to the skies in my larger bat form, calling to father all the while before I started to relapse into old memories.
    My identity, my concept of who I was was that of a monster, a murderer, and so I embraced it outright. I set ablaze another town and sat upon the spire of the cathedral to wait.

    Looking back on it, it’s honestly a rather immature cry for attention, but that’s the point I had been driven to. I had nothing left but the idea to destroy that which surrounded me. The world that had rejected me, the family who had ignored me, the ones who had denied me the right to be a concept known as 'myself’. I was shaped by the world to be recognised by it, and so now I bore a scar onto the land so I might be known to exist.

    1467555758_terrorfromabovebanner.thumb.png.9407ab77a2bf882224507cb543c2762a.pngI’ve actually written out a lot of this before in this blog post here, so you're free to read up on that for what happened in-between events listed here.

    Memories past this point do get a little patchy, but I do believe that I managed to seek out father myself upon realising he wasn’t going to come to me. I re-entered the demon world via a gateway in the forest of which I’d just told the elderly lady not to follow me. I made my way to Karlheinz’ main castle on horseback before confronting him directly.

     

    I do not know everything, in detail, but I do know I was ready for a fight to the death with father also, and didn’t expect the reality of what he decided to do instead. Ontop of one of the towers he changed into his own bat form - Though to call it a 'bat’ would honestly be a discredit to the scale of the creature he changed into. With four wings, four ears, three eyes and a continuously flowing white mane that drifted around his form as if he was submerged under water he bore down on me with his might. He told me to learn more, before encountering him again. I was still naive, immature and undeserving of his power.
    With those last words he eradicated me from that world, and, if my theory is to be correct, placed me into this one.

    Final

    The tests he has given me thereafter have emulated Shu’s life to force me into understanding his perspective, his emotions and life, and to learn the concept of kindness, love, selflessness and emotions in a way I have never been able to truly grasp before. What this life deals is often times ruthless, without remorse, without mercy, but if I am to live then I will find a way to live. If it is what I must do then I will do it.

    This is who and what I presume myself to be. You may judge me however you wish. This is my story, and I think unless I accept it, I will always be at ends with myself.

    Thank you for reading.

  5. So the friend I was reading stories to has left me. He was starting to fall for me, but I've already found someone, so he thought it best if he left to avoid getting hurt. I understand why he left, but it still hurts. He was a good friend. I miss him. I have a very strong fear of abandonment so losing friends really messes me up. I think his feelings will fade in time, but it might not be for a while. If he found someone else, his feelings for me may fade, but hes had bad luck trying to meet anyone.

    My new guy is great. I actually feel happy for the first time since my ex left me. Hes so good to me. He calls me his good girl and that just makes me grin and giggle like an idiot. Hes into the DD/lg stuff which is exactly what I've been looking for. Hes so good for me and I really hope this one lasts. He doesn't have the issues my ex had, my new guy is totally fine with me talking about him as long as I don't share personal information. I can share his first name, its Aaron. And I can talk about our relationship or little facts about him and hes totally fine with that. My ex left me just for mentioning what time he went to bed. 

    The biggest issue is distance. I'm in Missouri, hes in North Carolina. I plan to visit him once the pandemic is over. I just gotta save enough for the trip. Theres some things I need or order online, and I wanna try to set aside $400 for my trip to visit him. I just hope I don't spend it before the pandemic ends. I hope it ends soon. Hes so sweet and wonderful and he make me so happy. He knows about my headmates and my marriage to Nate, he knows I'm otherkin, and while he doesn't share my beliefs, he respects that I have them. Hes also atheist and I'm Christian and we're both fine with that. I don't push my beliefs on other people, and he respects that I have beliefs. 

    I just got my prepaid card in the mail today and I'm going to WalMart this weekend, so I can load it then. Then I can start ordering all the things I need. Theres a lot of little things I want to order. The most expensive thing is the new WoW expansion which is like $60. Thats if I want the mount. Its like $50 if I just buy the basic expansion. I dunno if I want the mount or not. I'd never use it, but I do collect them. I don't have the game time to play right now anyway, but I may see how much I have left once I've bought everything else, then buy a few months of game time if I can afford it. Then I'd just spend those few months running old raids to make gold to buy game time with. Thats why I quit playing, cause all I was doing was running old raids and it was boring. But we will see what I have left after I take care of things. As long as I still have around $400 to set aside to visit Aaron.

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  6. ...First, you've gotta lose yourself.

    That's what I'm telling myself. I'll come out of this knowing myself better than I did before. I'll come out of it just a little more familiar with who I am. Well, I hope so.

    What's "this"? Well, it's... hard to explain. Basically - I've lost myself. I don't really know where I went, but my whole sense of identity has been... missing for a while. I'm sure I can thank my nebulous mental health issues for this particular oddity. And it honestly took me a while to even realise - it's a very subtle feeling, to lose yourself in this way. I don't feel distant or dissociated. I've still been (mostly) functioning. But I don't feel like myself right now, and I haven't for a while. For months, maybe. Again, hard to exactly say when it started, because it's such a vague feeling.

    One of the strangest parts of this is that... I don't really feel my kintypes so much, right now. It's... unnerving, if I'm honest. There's a void here in my mind. Or, well, not just that... in my soul, too.

    I don't think I've ever felt this way before. It's not that I suddenly feel human (I really, really don't) - it's that I feel like nothing at all. 

    But now that I've recognised the problem, I can start taking steps towards fixing it. Coming back and being active on KM is one step I'm taking. Community helps. It always has.

    Regular meditation is something I'm trying to do, with mixed success. I'm just so forgetful! But I'm going to go meditate in a moment, and I know that will help.

    And just... trying to find small ways to reconnect with myself helps, I think. Mainly I've been trying to "get in touch" with my wolf-self, as a kind of starting point, since that's always been the most immediate part of my non-human identity. So I get on the floor and play with my dog. I listen to wolves howling. I take a moment to relax and visualise what my wolf body would feel like. It still all feels distant, but I think it's starting to work. I'm starting to feel a little more like myself. So I'll stick with it. 

    Nimravid... is less immediate, but still definitely skulking in the background, and it creeps forward when I try to lean more towards an animal state. I still sometimes wonder if it's really a theriotype, but that's a question for another time, I think. It's still certainly... something, lurking on the periphery. I feel it in my paws and teeth, and in the urge to stalk the shadows and pounce. 

    My spirit self has been altogether more difficult to find, though. I feel so disconnected from my spirituality. It makes me question things. Were the experiences I had real? Was this identity real, or just a figment of my strange and fragmented mind? Old doubts, familiar doubts, but doubts all the same. The conclusion I reached is the same as ever... I am what I am. Even if I don't feel it right now, I know that it is still me. What I don't know is where these feelings come from - whether it is some spiritual truth, or instead some sort of psychological quirk. But that's how it's always been. I've always been open to the idea that it could be "all in my head"; that doesn't make it any less real. Maybe that part of myself has just taken a backseat for now. Maybe that's okay. It certainly ruled my mind for long enough.

    So... I'm in a weird place right now, but I'm pushing through, and I know I'll reach the other side of it soon. Especially if I keep making an effort to do things to connect with who I know I am. It's been hard, but I think the worst is over. And even if it isn't, I'll keep moving forward. Like I always have.

    It's good to be back, KM. I hope I can make myself be a bit more active from now on!

  7. As it turns out, I have an anxiety disorder. I'm also back in therapy, but I'm hesitant to discuss what I've been dealing with. It takes everything I have to function properly in public and even on the internet. To be honest, it feels like my entire life could just fall apart at any minute now, because I have concerns about climate change, the political atmosphere in the United States, and even the future of my access to healthcare coverage. Regardless, I'm trying to avoid focusing on these concerns to the point of excess and I've mostly been successful.

    Another problem I have is my incompatibility with the established systems in place. I won't go into too much detail about this, but basically, I feel like the value of money over lives, the hatred, the prejudices, the judgment, and the destruction of the planet is basically poisoning my mental health. This is why I have to limit my focus on these topics. However, thinking about them is important to some degree. It's important to acknowledge that this planet needs more compassion, kindness, and understanding from humanity as a collective species and I'm trying to do my part. I'm just struggling and tired of questioning if I have a good future ahead of me.

    For the most part, I am trying to stay optimistic about the state of things. If I don't, I end up being dragged into a negative loop of pessimism for several hours or potentially days and even weeks. So, it helps my productivity to be more positive and less "we're doomed" in regards to the direction humanity is headed in. Additionally, in the meantime, I've been trying to get back into my usual hobbies. I want to use my time more wisely from now on, which has a questionable success rate so far, but on some days I make progress and on other days I don't. Pretty standard, really. It's life.

    Anyway, on top of adjusting to having an anxiety disorder, I've been dealing with some unexpected family drama. I won't be discussing that drama here, but it still sucks.

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  8. People might remember the previous two entries regarding this stuff. This creature was really confusing to the point I didnt know what to do besides exploring different angles and see what would make the most sense. I have in my absence here continued that avenue to discover a really interesting twist in the story what would make the most sense. As far for the other angles, I did the cameoshift angle but as with the Dunklesoteus there was more to the story then just that. In the most sense I guess that it was something familiar that was part of me that only with time would come out as the Dunkleosteus did. The other angle was past life but that also didnt really stick in the sense I didnt had some memories of it, if there was any then I couldnt really make a connection to that case unlike the Dunkleosteus who showed very possible memories of behavior what would make sense in some form as the top predator, In other words I had nothing to go of that would point to the same thing and in turn would point to possible Earthly kintype that wasnt from the Godec. The last angle had to do with the Godec or my shapeshifting kintype since it didnt feel right to abandon it right away. It had also forms that shared elements with exctinct Earthly creatures so it was something that had to remain open too. I have tried to explore more but it seems I cannot get more then what I currently know but maybe time will slowly reveal more but I think I have found at least the possible truth.

    Of all the angles that I pursuit it did point more strongly towards the Godec kintype being responisble. As time went on it started to reveal more features what I didnt know at the time. It has some element of the Rauisuchus in the sense it's tail and hind legs share features with it. The front part proved to be similiar in build to that of a bull. The front consistet of front legs that are hooved, shoulders were also similiar build and the horns were also similiar to that of a bull. The suprising thing was the head that was more of a mix between that of a dragon and a bull. Putting it together had been quite a puzzle but in general terms I can describe it the best as some sort of Rauisuchus/bull mix though I dont believe it is neccersary like the other forms. It looks to different. I tried to wreck all my experiences for a possible answer and this creature seems to be a true form from my Godec life. I dont neccersary have all the answer towards how it does fit in perfectly but comparing it to the other forms who really look more Earthly with alien form it just doesnt look the same. I have uncovered some possible memories that point more towards a true Godec form that hasnt changed at all through time unlike the other forms. I never really expected to uncover this angle at all. As far I could expect it was something that is more like the lion form that I posted in a earlier blog what is a look upon one of my most experienced form. I tried to think maybe somehow my only known true form from those days, my dragon form, was somehow partially responsible and somehow it got mixed up in all of this thus making it a false lead to further continue but no. Despite sharing elements with the Rauisuchus, it is not really some earthly like form that has alien elements. The one thing that made it different from the dragon is the fact the dragon hind legs are clearly 3 toed. The hindlegs of this creature has clearly 4 toes but lacks the 5th toe what is present in the Rauisuchus but the legs and whole behind and tail is siniliar build as the Rauisuchus. 

    Despite all the confusion and how hard it is to exactly picture it fully, I feel I begin to slowly learn more about this creature. It seems more and more positive it is connected to the Godec life I used to have. I still am trying to search for more evidence and answers surrounding this creature but feel I have at least a good basis to say it is a form of my shapeshifing form. I always felt there was something missing in the sense of I didnt have all the forms yet. This creature feels to fill the last gap I need to know for certain how many forms I have. Aside the ones I already know I have this seems to be the last true form what would make the Godec kintype in some sense complete. I guess I just didnt know what to look for at all and just kept those things to myself since I had no real experiences to back up so brushed it off as maybe I do have all the asnwers I need regarding my forms but it now feels like I have my complete forms back though most have changed. There are still many unanswered questions left but now I have a complete view of the many forms, I have a solid basis to build more and try to get a best possible view of how that past life used to be with the little memories I have left. It wont bring me to the full picture but it will bring me closer to the time periods that I can fill to get some sense of who i used to be and how I lived truely and how these forms fit in the whole thing.

    I will be honest and say that I didnt expect the creature to be a true form from the Godec days. But as I know before, there comes a time that I need to follow with what I feel is the truth and it feels right. Cramming it tp nothing more as the other forms doesnt feel right. Approaching it as a form that is from those days feels right. So why did the Rauisuchus trigger this whole thing? Well despite not exactly looking like this animal, I feel that seeing some familiar things back in this animal form seems to be more of the trigger as it looks very similiar. That is also what happened with my snake form. I became aware of this form when I learned about the Basilisk. In some ways it felt like looking into a mirror that wasnt complete yet. The missing part was from the bull elements. Combining those animals together what results in a unlikely hybrid just makes more sense when it is approached as a draconic like bull creature then a hybrid between those 2 animals with alien elements. I still have many questions left that surrounds this creature but only time will tell wether some or all will be answered or not. Some memories that I already know seem to become more clearer now I am aware of this form. I dont know where this path will lead me yet but I am ready to welcome the missing form that I unknowingly have searched for so many times. 

    I have plans to make a another commission from a another form and this one seems to be the next perfect candidate for it to put it in art to show a truely fascinating creature.

  9. Stray

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    I have displayed animalistic behavior since I was a child. I recall wanting to continuously wear tails or gloves with claws on them from costumes meant for Halloween as young as 4. My mom always told me "you are not an animal," and I always found that hard to believe, even as a kid. Around this same period, I had an obsession with canines, specifically dogs; this was noted on a doctors report that I still own to this day.

    When I had reached my elementary school years, I began questioning my animal side. In 2005 I saw a documentary on TV that featured a segment on "therians." Upon seeing the segment, I instantly knew that that's what I was, and ran to a computer to do more research. I stumbled upon The Werelist and everything took off from there. I began questioning all sorts of animals; from squirrels and frogs, to horses and all sorts of birds. This soul-searching lasted me quite a few years, until everything led up to me realizing I am a wolf.

    I remained inactive in the therianthropy community upon reaching my teen years out of fear of my close-minded mom finding out, which vaguely happened but I continued to cover it up as something else. 

    Now an adult, I've learned to hide and cope with being more animal than everyone else. Although, things slip through the cracks sometimes. In fact, recently a friend of mine caught me sniffing the air as they made hamburgers, which, was very embarrassing.

    My partner, being the understanding person he is, allows me to express my true self when I need to, which can be a huge relief sometimes. Honestly, I just feel like a wolf pretending to be human to please everyone else constantly. I truly feel a disconnect from my outer self and inner self regarding appearance, and although I promise I am aware I am physically human, sometimes I will walk past a mirror and have to do a double take because seeing my human face often surprises me because I expect to see what I feel like.

    One way I've found to express my non-human experience is by comparing it to the wolves of Wolf's Rain (cheesy, I know); the wolves are still wolves, but can disguise themselves as human- although to some, it's still obvious that they're wolves. This is expressed in the anime and the manga in the image of a wolf and human overlapping eachother, I have provided a picture I took from the first volume to give a better idea since i am not the best at explaining.

     

    Snapchat-627770486.thumb.jpg.5d2874320d86ba46373593596e228f71.jpg

    I feel as though this image accurately represents what I experience as a non-human identifier, except the human is the physical one.  I am interested in knowing if anyone relates to this image as well.

    I honestly very much appreciate dogs, as they feel like creatures I can relate to more closely than humans, and since I understand their behavior (I am an aspiring dog trainer), I can replicate it and cause them to interact with me as if I am another canine. But since I identify as a wolf, I do understand that wolves and dogs behave very differently; two types of behaviors which I consider myself very familiar with and can adapt to.

    I often question if I may be a wolfdog due to some personal things, but that idea has just never fully clicked with who I am.

    Since I discovered the therianthropy community in the 2000's, I still do like to refer to myself as a were/werewolf, although I do use the term therianthrope often. 

  10. dead

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  11. Latest Entry

    Ok, so, this is mostly an apology for my inactivity. I know Im normaly much more up and at it, but I haven't been lately.

    Truth is, I've been in a slump for a bit. Just the usual that comes and goes as you all know by now. I've been powering through, but I've also needed time to just sit back away from everything. I've also been feeling rather sick lately. I do my best to keep interacting with all of you, but sometimes I can't and I know that can be a let down. All the people I didn't welcome, posts I didn't give my two cents on, all that. I've just been tired and out of it, and sick. 

    I wish I hadn't, but my body just has other ideas I suppose, you know? I'll be doing my best to return to my normal KM duties as best I can, but I may fall off agian and im sorry for that.

     

    Thanks!

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    We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay. 

    When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try. 

    Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing. 

    I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see. 

    Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.

    May you be blessed and loved, -Beast

  12. This blog post will be a long one, and it has been very difficult to write. As @Red-in-Tooth likes to state, a thorough, honest and relentless analysis of one's self is needed to really grasp the true nature of one's identity, the true self. I would like to consider this post a part of that analysis. I'm about to describe what seems to be a core part of me, which is inherently non-human by any standards. There is great agreement amongst serious otherkin that you cannot choose your kintype (or, to this end, your personal identity), and more than often you wouldn't like everything about it. Well, I'm not sure the word "like" is at all applicable to what I've found. Many humans would see it as as a monster that needs to be fought against, and I'm calling it such although I know that the term doesn't do it justice. "God" or "Demon" also don't really seem to fit, and "celestial draconic spirit" is somewhat lengthy. Maybe "dragon" would be the best alternative.

    I've described this a few times before, lastly back in October. It is something I attribute to the celestial/draconic part of me, a part that is usually hidden in the sea of unconscious but now was explored, thus feels more like some part of my consciousness that is light years afar. It's something I only find when I delve down deeply into my psyche, in what resembles a deep mental shift. A recent discussion on Discord and - ironically to an even greater extent - the current Corona crisis has triggered further thoughts on it. Thoughts that are the continuation of a psychological analysis of what probably is the most interesting part of my identity. I already found that it is influencing my everyday thinking to a much greater extent than I realized.

    Dragons, in human eyes, are supposed to be downright monsters. Alas, I call myself a monster this time. But it's not a monster like Godzilla or something. It does not seek destruction, it is not good or evil by any human standards. If I'd want to put it in a nutshell, it feels like personified life and nature, with all beauty and terror it entails. This monster feels a deep, deep connection
    to all that naturally exists, to the extent that it feels one with all. But on the other side, it does not see death as something bad. It would walk though a hospital aisle, see people dying and... smile. Maybe it would strive over a battlefield and smile, like a divine being who is way beyond death. It will do nothing at all to help, it will not interfere in any way. Because it knows that death is part of it all. As long as death is natural or a matter of in-species struggle, it will feel no regret, no pain, no sorrow, but an incredible amount of love and confidence in the beauty and balance of the endless circle of life, knowing what's happening is neccessary.

    Now this may sound beautiful for some, but do you realize just how terrible that is for the human eye? In its purest form, this entity knows no compassion for individuals, not a single bit of what is normally called "humane", just like you couldn't expect these characteristics from nature itself. Still it feels endless love for life as a whole. All it strives for is watching over natural diversity and balance. Hence, if this entity sees someone meddling with and fighting against nature, like humans unfortunately do, it seems it would at least get very sad - or, what's much worse, go completely berserk. This doesn't happen easily, but if, then this monster would strike back at an attacker like only a natural disaster could. It would burn down anything in its path, mercyless, delving in its own power, and create a new basis for life restarting. At the same time, it would be sad, watch its own doing and shake its head in despair, because variety and balance would be lost in order for a new balance to flourish.

    Now, what I called "it" is nothing else but the monster, the dragon I seem to be. And I have to realize that this deep self of mine is absolutely incompatible with human-level moral. It does not at all fit into society. Yet it is not at all evil, neither god nor devil. It loves life, it embodies the energy that makes up life, it loves to see life flourish, and it embraces everything that's needed to make it flourish including death and destruction, if need be. It's a fire as bright as a light in the darkest night can be. It's unshakably confident and insanely empathic and emotional, it's friendly and benevolent but still it does not know or understand humbleness, charity, romance or human-level love. It's outrageous and ambiguous to the human eye.

    I can't describe it better at this time. I feel this might be the part of me that remains when everything else fades. Is this the real reason I was always hiding myself? Did I instinctively know that I needed to hide myself in order not to be excluded from a society I wanted to learn about? In any case, it seems to be something I can neither deny nor control, as it is far stronger than the "conscious I", to use a term from analytical psychology I currently try to learn about. It's like the core of a non-human self that just exists, without me being able to make a choice about it. What's stunning is that it didn't even need a mental shift to find out and conclude the above; it was only a matter of analysing how the nature of that self influences my conscious thoughts in the time of crisis we're currently living through. It's been showing itself in so many ways throughout my life, like a neural network that spans my whole being and is truly in control.

    Hence, I can now say without any doubt that I am fundamentally non-human. I invite anyone reading this to leave their impression in the comments, because I'm more than open to discuss and eager to learn more.

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    Vedui'nosse,

    Elvenportal has a good list, but quite a few of the links are broken, so I've gone through and picked out ones that aren't! These are Sites that I found useful/informative. Please feel free to comment with sites you would like to see up here!

    Quote

     

    Silver Elves - A good starting resource! A group of Elves who help other elves find their place!

    Elvin Portal- A lot of good resources involving Elfin exploration!

    Elenari.net - Another good site for finding yourself/finding answers!

    Rialian.com - More info about Elfinkin

    Rialian.com - A non-Tolkien Elven language! 

    Catharism - A potential 12th-14th century Elfin group in France!

    The Cathars/Catharism (2) - Hybrid DNA 

    Elfin Awakening - Elfin Blog with good information

    Lostkin - Otherkin Memory Recollection

    Eristic - Big resource, lots of resources to other sites too.

    The Fair Folk - An Essay/Chapter about Elfin kind

    Otherkin Resources - A sort-of mini-hub for resources of Otherkin.

    Otherkin Fandom Wiki - FANDOM wiki site of Otherkin!

    Elfkind Digest - A sort-of magazine/digest providing more info on Elfin'kin and Otherkin!

    Tolkien High Elves - A discussion about Finnish centric games.

     

    Wanya yassen i'taure e' seere, (Depart with the forest peacefully),

    Tally.

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    For a few months, I’d been getting phantom shifts that I thought were odd. At first, I didn’t even know what they were. But even when I found that out they were still perplexing. During these shifts, I felt as if I were missing limbs. Most often it was either one leg or both arms, but it was different every so often. The ones involving my arms had been going on for a lot longer (an estimated five months), but the ones involving my legs started more recently (two or three months ago). I could see that my limbs were still there, but I had no control over them. And the fact that they were still there made me feel strangely uncomfortable. These shifts weren’t particularly painful, but obviously the feeling of missing limbs isn’t all too pleasant.

     

    The first time I tried to walk when my leg was gone in one of these shifts, it was definitely tricky. I felt like I couldn’t balance and actually fell, even though both feet should have been firmly planted on the ground. After the first few times this happened, I figured out how to push through it and move somewhat normally.


    The most stressful thing was that I couldn’t figure out why I was getting these phantom shifts. There was a certain character I figured maybe I was kin with, but maybe isn’t enough to be sure of anything. Not only that, but that character had never lost any limbs so it wouldn’t explain the phantom shifts. Sure, the shifts could have been due to a different fictotype or kintype, but it turns out that wasn’t it. I just identify as a different character, plain and simple. And I’m completely sure of this one. It’s more than just the phantom shifts of course, but I’ll describe more things in detail another time.

  13. NOTE: This is a collection of my memories, feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas and possibilities surrounding my argonian fictotype. This is not intended as a completely accurate portrayal of my fictotype, rather a record of my experiences and pondering thus far. Something to look back on in the future and have a point of reference for comparison should new memories or possibilities arise.

    My Home

    My home was Black Marsh, in a dense and swampy forested area. I remember the rivers flowing like a network of roads. The trees standing tall on their stilt roots. I remember our huts amongst the trees, built in unison, how the moss would creep over wood and mud in joining. Everything was green and moist. Moss hung in large swathes from the trees, reaching down towards the waters. 

    I remember the scents and the sounds. The thick warm air dripping with water. A vibrant humming of life surrounding us. The sounds of the waters and the trees singing in the wind. The calls of birds, insects and other creatures.

    It was more than just a home; the Marsh was a part of me.

    Myself, Life, Memories

    Appearance-wise I'm still not certain how I looked. I think my eyes were yellow and my scales shades of brown and green, with a splash of red. I had a pair of horns, slightly curly and pointing backwards. Either feathers or fine spines atop my head and down the back of my neck... perhaps a mix of both. I had a headdress made of feathers, bones and the skull of a crocodile-like creature; I didn't wear it often (not practical while swimming) but it was mine, it was special, I kept it safe. My hands were webbed and clawed, my legs digitigrade. I had a long tail, which swayed me as I walked; it was most useful when swimming. I'm fairly sure we would paint our scales in a ritualistic way when practising our craft; this may be where the red colour comes from, although I'm unsure.

    We were a tribe of healers, much of our days spent gathering herbs and plants to create potions and salves. We always kept a large stock, the swamps not being the most hospitable of homes. Travellers who wandered by were usually sent on their way well stocked with potions, although such visits were rare. Few but us seemed to venture into our area of the Marsh.

    Semi regularly some from our tribe would make trips to the larger settlements, trading our potions for supplies. The settlements would call on us at times as well if something had happened which required more powerful or numerous healing magics. 

    I was one of the few skilled in magical healing. I think there were three of us who could cast, and our leader as well. The only magic I remember having was the ability heal and to create light; a small floating ball of light which would help guide my steps. I remember magic feeling warm. A warm ball of energy I could summon into my hands and harness that power. I can still feel this now if I try to cast, like a phantom feeling of energy.

    We were skilled fighters, hunters and fishers. There were many dangerous creatures in the swamps so we kept our skills honed. We fought mostly with spears.

    I spent all the time I could in the water, I even slept there. I had a spot tucked against the bank where I could nestle in behind the roots of a tree for safety. I seemed more water-based than most, I much preferred to be beneath the surface than upon the land.

    I think my home was close to the sea. A little under a day's journey perhaps. I visited it once, the memory is faint but still there. I remember navigating the waterways, tasting the salt as we drew near. I don't think there was a purpose for the visit other than curiosity and exploration. The sea was clearer than the swamp waters, colder too. I enjoyed the trip though I feel it was brief.

    Other than that trip I don't remember leaving my home, although a feeling inside of me says I did. I'm not sure when or why, but I feel as though at some point I left the life I had known for something very different.

    Long before I ever awakened as argonian I remember playing TES Oblivion and finding many of the places there so familiar. It was an odd because no games had never made me feel that way. It was like I knew those lands, could find my way around the roads and forests like I'd been there before. As the type of person who usually has to navigate by opening up a map every 5 seconds, it was extremely unusual and so stuck in my mind. I even remember joking to my partner that I must have lived there once because of how familiar everything felt. Of course back then I never even considered the possibility it could have a deeper meaning.

    The setting for Oblivion borders onto Black Marsh. If I did leave the Marsh that may have been my first experience of the outside world. It is curious to think about.

    I feel there is an awful lot of my life I don't remember. My memories seem to centre around a fairly small portion of time. I have bits of feeling, emotions and knowledge that seem disjointed. It's hard to fit the pieces together when you're missing the majority of the puzzle.

    Family

    I have no memories of a mother or father, nor of being young, but I have vague memories of my tribe. They were my family. We were the same age (I assume we hatched together), all but one; an older argonian, our leader, mentor and teacher. I remember he was also skilled with magic and we spent many hours together going over its usage and technique. I remember most of my tribe and our activities vaguely, the knowledge of them exists within my mind but it's not a clear memory. This saddens me, for I wish I could remember more of them, their names, their faces. Perhaps the knowledge will come in time, or perhaps these are simply things I should not remember in detail. I miss them all despite the memory being faint, were it fresh and clear I imagine the pain may be fresh as well. I have enough pain from missing my home and the Hist, I probably don't need any more.

    I also remember Tas, to some extent. Tassvarrhn, if that was his name, was not a member of my tribe. I feel like I knew him before I was a part of them.

    My emotions around Tas are very confusing. I know I loved him but the lack of details is frustrating. Was it the love felt for a brother, or were we lovers? Either way, the feeling is intense; love and protection. I feel very protective of him, even though my mind tells me he was much more capable of taking care of himself than I was. I also have the feeling that he was like me, and that we were both somehow different from the others of my tribe.

    My mind always drifts to two small swamp lizards and I wonder if we were once them. A pair of lizards made argonian by the Hist. I have no idea where this notion comes from, but it has been an ever subtle undercurrent since my awakening. I have no memories of being a lizard, but the idea of this being how things are seems to persist even after being picked at and pushed aside. From what I have read, it seems possible at least that the Hist could do such things.

    Tas came to visit me a few years back, he was a large (yet very passive) help during my awakening. He stuck around my mind for a while to see how I was getting on, but I feel he worried his presence was influencing me and so he left me to figure things out alone. It's been a long time now since he last stopped by, but I hope he will return someday. I have a lot of things I would love to speak with him about.

    The Hist

    They were a part of me, perhaps what made me. An ever-present stream of thoughts and knowledge flowing through the waters of time. It's so hard for me to describe the feeling because it is so intense and overwhelming but wordless. Their voices were like thoughts woven through the waters and the lands, their roots digging deep into the earth, reaching out and holding the Marsh in their grasp. They were our watchers, our protectors and our guides. In return, we would also watch and protect and listen. They linked us all and through them I was a part of something so much more. The pain of being so far from them cuts deep. It is as though someone has torn apart my soul, there is a gaping hole where the Hist should be, filling it with the waters, the earth, the air and the trees, my brothers and sisters. But instead this hole lies dark and empty, filled only with the memory of what should be. A longing and loneliness cutting down into my core.

    This pain is not always there. Many times I can almost forget, carry on with my human life as though I were whole. But now and then something happens, perhaps I'll see a photo, a picture, hear the sound of rain beating on the windows, stare up at a huge tree whose shape seems somehow familiar... many things make me think of home and when I do it feels as though my mind instinctively calls out. Searches for their voices and guidance, met with only the cold silence of reality. I am far from my home. Too far for their voices to reach me. I am alone.

    Bal (aka where things get very muddled and everything is conjecture)

    Molag Bal certainly has some connection to myself but I still struggle to understand how and why.

    My awakening was kicked into gear by hearing his voice. Idly playing Skyrim and finding myself wander into that house. I heard his words and before I even knew who he was something clicked into place and I knew him. He sounded different in the game. Different from how I remembered. Amongst the chaos and tangled mess of my emotions that was the one thought raining clear; his voice was wrong.

    He looks wrong too, the shrine in Skyrim and the way he looks in ESO are not how I think of him. Daedric Princes can shift forms, it's not uncommon for them to appear differently depending on whom they are dealing with, appearance, gender, it doesn't mean much.

    The image of Bal I have is a large reptilian humanoid creature with a very dragon-like face. After searching up pictures of him I found he was shown more similarly to my view in the earlier games. I'll have to get and play through some of the older games one day.

    Thinking of Bal brings up so many mixed and confusing feelings, none of which make sense to me. Bal is... well, not exactly nice to put it mildly. He is known for things I am very much against. And from everything I remember of my argonian self I can see of no reason I would have felt anything for him but hate and distrust. Yet that's not what I feel... I feel gratitude. A deep and sincere feeling of thankfulness, devotion and loyalty, mixed in with a huge helping fear for sure, but still... What could he have possibly done for me to make me feel this so strongly? It is not as though Bal is known for his kindness.

    When I was first looking into my kintype, before argonian I came to consider the dremora of Coldharbour; Bal's servants. The feeling of devotion and a singular drive to serve him felt so right. And it still does, but I'm not sure how that fits into argonian. Could it possibly be dremora is another kintype? Psh, I hope not because two is already confusing enough. Something about the dremora did seem very fitting though. But I feel it is more likely he fits in with my argonian self somehow, rather than me having another kintype... or perhaps that is just wishful thinking.

    I know a group of argonians went to live in Bal's realm. Their Hist striking a deal with him. I know that is part of the ESO's gameplay, well, not the original deal but some information about it and how badly it turned out, heh. I've not played that part myself, someday I'll get around to it. My knowledge of it is vague and I really should look into that part of the lore more, but I often find it hard to research my world or play ESO... I know I should research more, find out everything I can about Black Marsh, my people and that world, I'm sure there are bits of knowledge I'm missing which may help. But too often reading about my home kicks up that darn empty feeling which tears my heart in two. And when that happens all I can do is stop and distance myself, it is too overwhelming and painful.

    I wonder if I could have been a part of the group Bal took me to Coldharbour. Yet that doesn't fit... From what I have read the Hist made the deal so the argonians could continue their old style of civilised life. I didn't live like that, my tribe was away from the settlements, away from civilisation. We were primitive and tribal, we lived off the lands. A simple life. It wouldn't make sense for me to have been a part of the group taken to Coldharbour.
    Unless my life was different once. Perhaps I did go to Coldharbour, perhaps that was my youth. Maybe Bal let me leave and that is where the memories of my tribe begin. I don't remember being young so it's possible my childhood was quite different. But if I was in Coldharbour why would Bal let me go? I have no memory of what the larger settlements in my time were like either, so it's hard to say if I was there at the time when the deal was made, or if my time was long after.

    Being a vampire could be another answer. Bal is the father of vampires after all. Perhaps I became one at some point and it swayed me to his will. I have always had a strange connection to vampires since childhood. Sometimes I question if I am one. A possibility that has played at the edge of my mind long before I ever heard the words therian or otherkin. Being a vampire does seem somehow right. But is that feeling true... and if so where does it come from? An influence from my kintype or a part of my human self?

    There is too much speculation. I don't have any specific memories surrounding Bal and yet still there is something so familiar about him and Coldharbour. So very different from my Marsh and yet it too feels like home... And Bal... Oh, Bal... why do I feel so much love, devotion, thankfulness towards you. What did you do for me... or maybe more worryingly, what did I do for you?

    I struggle with possibilities to find answers that fit but without more to go on all I can muster is conjecture.

    I feel like a storyteller weaving fiction. There are a million possibilities but I have no way of knowing what is true and so I simply push them all aside. Tell myself I'll figure it out later. I suppose that depends on if I ever find out anything new because right now with the information I do have there is no way to make sense of any of this. All I have are a muddle of feelings and a myriad of questions.

    But one thing is for certain (or at least, as certain as any of this can be), I am connected to Bal in some way. I have tried ignoring the feelings, denying them, brushing them off as being coincidence or misdirection. I push them aside and pretend they mean nothing. But still they linger and poke through and if anything grow stronger. Bal means something to me, I just wish I knew what and why.

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    Hi. im Dragon Runes. i'm a contherian & a polytherian and I've been in the otherkin community for about 6 years, i come across as a very morbid person at first but please don't let that stop you from reaching out to me. Below is a few bits of general information about me.

     

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  14. (Speaking present tense as Lady Lunastre)

    For one such as myself, my true draconian heart is what keeps me alive, my astral energy and power within ever flowing, and forged my connection with nature and people alike, for this I have realized when I set foot into the great wilderness of the alpine mountains, and saw the beauty of the ever awakening storm, the moon shining brighter as I raised my astral wings to the darkening sky, waiting for the beauty of the stars and the void, hidden by the powerful storm following.... Amongst the hidden beauty of the nature around me during such a time, I have begun to truly awaken my true draconian heart, and I have begun to fine tune my astral energy for the sake myself, and the nature around me, for I am doing the most subtle amount of astral energy to help the life forms around my existence....

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