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    Back when I was a teenager, I was into some cringy Mary Sue stuff. Looking back now, I know that there was a kernel of truth to it. I misinterpreted, but it's also reassuring to see how much I got right on a symbolic level. I used to channel my kin feelings into writing fiction because that was the only outlet I had for it at the time. Computers were just barely starting to be something that regular people might have in their homes, and only if they were geeky hobbyists. I didn't have one until later. 

    So, my main character was an anthro-hawk woman who was a bit untamed. Still, she carried a sword and dedicated herself to defending her city, with the adobe walls, close to a fertile river valley, on the edge of a desert. She would take side jobs hunting game for the local tavern, delivering packages, and raising some extra coins from fighting in the other tavern. Of course this Mary Sue had the most wonderful soulmate ever. I was obsessed with him.

    The guy was an anthropomorphized sun spirit. He also carried a sword and defended the city. He literally glowed and could cook raw meat in the palm of his hand on a sunny day, not that he did that very often. He was also friendly and charismatic, unlike the hawk woman whose wild-like indifference often kept people at a distance. The problem was that he depended on the sun for his own survival. If he exhausted himself, he'd suffer through the cold dark night until the next morning. A fire could help keep him going. 

    Years later, in college I started writing another story, about an otherkin-type awakening happening in our world. The hawk lady could not even go outside because those wings were just too big to hide, so the guy took her in and watched over her. Except this time he was a vampire. He worked in a nightclub. He was still charismatic, but he was also sarcastic and snarky. He hunted the other "monsters" that were suddenly appearing around the city. Then one morning while trying to help the hawk woman escape, he got caught out in the sunlight and captured. 

    He didn't turn to ash, but he was severely burned. The people who captured him soon learned that his healing actually accelerated under a sun lamp. His body reconfigured itself into his sun aspect. He regained his sense of compassion, which was always there, just buried. Though he could still be a snarky asshole when he felt like it. In college, while I was writing this character, I did start to suspect that my "soulmate" really was another aspect of myself. (This was after the Horus vision, but I was ignoring the heck out of that back then.) 

    Just some wild ham-fisted fiction, right? Not exactly. I had been hanging out with the Thunder Being, playing astral cowboy for a time, defending my city and quite determined that the only monster allowed within my territory was me. I was still ignoring the hell out of Horus, though my actions proved that ignoring it didn't make it go away. Then Ra stepped in and decided he'd had enough of my denials. He scorched the crap out of my energy every morning for two and a half months. I was terrified that it would never end. Even as it burned, I craved more, like I had been starving for who knows how many years. The burn is all energy, but I also feel it as a physical sensation under my skin, first a build up of pressure and then something like heat followed by something like sunburn. (My studies in Tai Chi have taught me that there is a link between chi and the connective tissues in the body, so it probably does create something of a physical reaction in me.) Being burned by the sun until it rewired me to its liking was apparently a prophetic idea. My writing predicted that transformation years in advance. 

    I've been sensitive to those energies ever since, though the intensity varies from day to day. Some days I sleep through it. Some days it wakes me up and I ignore it and go back to sleep. Some days it's blissful and I find myself begging for more. Some days the pressure builds, and some days it burns. It's usually more intense when I've exhausted myself the day before. I suspect that the faster I pull it in, the hotter it feels. It's strongest in spring and summer. In fall it starts to have something like an unpleasant metallic taste to it as it slowly diminishes. In winter, I just sort of drag myself along. I can usually detect the first hopeful hints of spring before the temperature starts to warm. 

    I insist, with a snarl in my voice, that I am not a vampire. It's possible I "doth protest too much." The psi vampires would put me in the elemental category because of my dependence on solar energy. And it is true that I have to watch myself in winter because I am capable of taking energy from other sources, and might do so accidentally.  A few weeks ago someone wandered by and mentioned the Aset Ka, and I snarled then too. Putting Kemeticism and vampirism together? That feels like summoning and celebrating the diminished form, an aberration. There may be some kernel of truth, but it seems to ignore that the great big flaming ball in the sky is the true source of immortality and power. Toss those Anne Rice books out the window already. Egypt was not about death. It was about a life force so strong that it defies death, and you didn't have to steal it, just embrace it. Ride on the solar barque and risk the sun's heat to become a Shining One if the Field of Reeds isn't good enough for you. 

    Is this another territorial reaction of "no monsters here but me?" Maybe a resentment of how close to the line I'm already sitting? Maybe annoyance at people who confuse desperation with power. Maybe recognition that my own energy state is variable enough that I don't take it for granted, and I'd be majorly pissed at anyone who disrupted it without my consent. The consent thing is a big issue. I don't tend to snarl at people who respect that line, and I've been a willing energy donor myself a few times when I've had extra to spare. Lots of mixed feelings on the subject. 

    But yeah, that "soulmate" guy was part of me all along. 

  2. Lately I've been doing a bit more research on cab horses from the late 1800s to the mid 1900s, and have found that most carriages, cabs, etc. were drawn by larger draft horses such as Clydesdales and Shires. I will do a bit more research and see if I find either of them fitting. I will probably do some research on other breeds of draft horses as well.

    I've started questioning Morab as opposed to just being an Arabian. I've felt that lately just labeling myself as an Arabian horse hasn't felt quite correct. I will probably do some more research on Morabs and I will probably look into other Arabian crossbreeds too.

  3. Wow. This day took a weird turn.

     

    As I may have mentioned once or twice around here before, we own a boat. It's nothing big and fancy, it's pretty small, but it's fun. We went to a nearby creek today with the boat and even tried to catch some fish (I'm not exactly very good at fishing but Dad wasn't giving me much of a choice about it.) It was hot and humid, but it was also a bit foggy as a result which made things quite pretty.  Things would end up being fine, surely. 

     

    ... Or so I thought. 

     

    Let me just start from the beginning. We get there, throw the boat in the creek and work on getting it set up when my dad noticed something was a bit off. See, there's a hole in the back that you can open when it rains so all the water drains out, and a plug you put in said hole when you actually want to use so water doesn't come into it. And... he forgot to plug the hole. The boat was full of water. We haven't even left the shore yet and things have already gone wrong. But thankfully he brought something we could use to easily drain the water out so we ended up being fine. Just one little hurdle, we'll be fine, the day's still good, right? The whole thing still could be worse for us. ...But for others, it was worse. And now I've been quite worried. 

     

    We finally get out there, start fishing, and aren't having any luck. That's to be expected whenever I try to fish, so I'm not too surprised. But here's where things start to get a bit weird. Two people come floating down the river. Yep, floating. Just on little floaty raft things. The two mentioned something about a friend of theirs that had come along with them, but said that his raft popped and he had gotten stranded a little ways up the creek. They were planning to make their way down to the dock and come back for him on foot. After that they just floated along their way. ... This was foreshadowing.


    A little while later a large group of people with canoes come paddling down the creek with one of them having a second person sitting on the front of the canoe. Naturally I found this a little odd, as this isn't exactly normal among any canoe-paddling people that I had ever seen before. Turns out that third guy that the other two rafters had mentioned slipped on some rocks while he was stranded and hurt his knee, and canoe guy ended up picking him up. He was having issues with there being someone else on his boat (again, tiny canoe and all), so we ended up taking him and getting him back to the dock with his friends. There wasn't really anything else that we could do for him from there. I've been thinking about him ever since then, I do hope he's alright now...


    We ended up staying out for a little bit longer after that, which honestly ended up being a mistake. It was only a few minutes before the storm hit. Things started getting really windy and the waves picked up and rocked us around a lot. It was a little scary honestly. By the time we got back to shore again it was pouring. My hat also blew off of my head and landed in the river at one point but thankfully I managed to save it.


    So... Yeah. This was a day. Despite how badly everything went though I'm still sort of glad we went anyway, even if it was just so we could help that guy out. I guess God wanted me there for a reason? I do hope he's alright though. And I suppose there were a few other good things that happened, like the ice cream we got afterwards and some really cool wildlife I saw while I was out. 

     

    But nonetheless, I'm quite drained now and glad to be home. 

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    Introduction - series

    Hello and welcome to my first blog post! I figured I'd set things off by beginning a sort of mini-series. Each blog post will be dedicated to each of the 'kins' I believe I have. I say 'believe I have' because that is the purpose of this series: to weed out the ones that are not, in fact, past lives (I'm a spiritual kin). I know a human, non-fictional past life does not count as a kin, but I might include that as well, since it's part of who I am, and in my mind, it's much of the same thing. In each post I will detail and narrate from the moment I first started wondering if I might be that character to today, including (but not limited to!) shifts (whether they be shifts or just my imagination) and all they include, memories, and knowledge. I shall also do my best to include both doubts and beliefs. These blog posts are all open for comment and such things from the community; indeed, it is the sole purpose of posting this here. I'd like feedback and your thoughts, as well as help to try and figure out why these characters call out to me, if they're not a past life (for there is a reason I'm called to them all). 

    Introduction - today's character

    Today we - that is, I - tackle my Awakening and the first character I truly felt a resonance with. It is a character I believe you should be familiar with, solely because of the widespread memes. My introduction to kin was, indeed, the Grinch. To be more specific, the 2018 animated version - I feel no connection to the other Grinches. This is one of my strongest kins, and one of the few I am quite sure is, indeed, me. The reason I have Grinch in this series is truly only to include all my kins, and to sort out what I know, what I think, and what I believe.

    It begins!

    By the time I saw the Grinch (mid-November, 2018) I was already aware of what it meant to be kin. I had recently made somewhat-close friends with a fictkin, and they’d taken the time to patiently explain to me what it meant. I believed in it – I’ve always had an open mind – accepted it, and moved on.

    Already before I saw the movie I knew I was going to enjoy it. I had never really liked the live-action version (I felt the Grinch was too… crude – in a way, almost too angry), but something about this animated version called out to me. When I saw the movie, however, there was an almost instant sense of recognition. Not only because I was familiar with the plot, thanks to the live-action movie, but also because of everything that happened and existed and surrounded the main story. It felt somewhat intimate, in a way, as though I was watching a movie about myself (without quite realizing it, personally). The breaking moment, I think, was when Grinch had the panic attack on-screen. I’ve struggled with them for some time myself, and although that is not a kin thing at all, it felt intimately familiar to me.

    When I exited the theatre I was shaken. Already there was a teeny tiny sliver of thought in me that the Grinch might be me, but I dismissed the idea as foolish. Once I got home, the first thing I did was start to rant and ramble about the movie with some friends of mine. Looking back at it now, I realize I was far more touched than I let on, and that I led that bleed into my words. I was already saying things that were far from headcanons (because I knew them, in my heart, to be true) and still things that had not been mentioned in the movie.

    If you know me even just a tiny bit, you know how much I love my angst. I love writing it, I cope by writing it, and it’s a calming and amusing (to the extent paining others can be…) passion for me. So of course, after seeing the movie (and filled with so many thoughts!) I went ahead and wrote an angsty fanfiction. I was certain the Grinch had a name other than ‘Grinch’, and settled on Felix (I have later, through meditation, figured it out to be Louis, or Lewis, or Louie, or something similar). By the time I came half-way through the fic, however, I nearly had to stop. It was getting to me in a way no angst had ever gotten to me before. This was when the suspicions started to settle for real – it felt, time and time again, like I would slip into first person while writing. I was not writing about a fictional character. I was writing about myself.

    I got flashes of almost-memories, things I was certain were true. I browsed ‘the grinch’ on the Internet, and lots of what I found felt… wrong, to me. This comes from me, who generally accepts pretty much anything in regards to fandom. With the Grinch, however, I would look at a gay pairing and go “…no? That’s not even right.” As for Donna, I didn’t ship her and the Grinch. I knew they had married. I craved salty food more than usual, and found Christmas lights and trees to be a trigger for my panic attacks. I was grumpier than usual, and my body dysphoria increased.

    The doubts plaguing me heavily went thusly:

    -        It’s the Grinch. He’s supposed to be relatable.

    -        He’s such a meme-y character? I’m just relating.

    -        Due to my own experience with panic attacks I’m projecting and seeing myself in him.

    -        I’m just looking for attention after a gap of not having it.

    Yet still, I carried the nagging sense that this is me. I am him. He is me. We are the same.

    I kinfirmed a week or so after seeing the movie. It felt right.

    I went and bought a furry shirt in an achingly familiar color. When I put it on and looked at my own arms I felt alive.

    I rediscovered many memories and knowledge later on, sometimes through meditation and sometimes through other things. The things that proved consistent were that I still felt like looking at myself through it all. Also that whenever I found headcanons or fanart or ideas on the internet, I either went “What? How would anyone think that? That’s wrong…?” or “Yes! That’s so right! That’s exactly what it’s like!”

    I have never sought out the movie as though it were a lifeline or an anchor. It has been a thing I could enjoy, and then put aside, and not really think much about – except that I remained the same through it all. I’m not in the Grinch fandom. I rarely interacted with content. I don’t really like the movie, in the way I like my favorite movies.

    I’ve had few Grinch shifts after I first Awakened, but they’ve all felt the same way. Like I’m still me – just a little different.

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    Alrighty, well, it’s been a while since I made my last post and I think I’ve got plenty of things to talk about, since plenty of things happened in the recent days. It’s mostly psychology though with some things left out, because otherwise I wouldn’t get done writing this in days. Obviously this is pretty personal and as you can see, long.

    After posting the last entry, I’ve been struck with anxiety. It’s one of those occasions where you post something, and all you can do is to put that palm on your face and dramatically ask yourself what you’ve done. I don’t know, that always used to be an issue for me. Well, as of a few days ago, I'm hoping that this is no more.

    Context, insights and conclusions

    Now, I brought up anxiety, and that is where it all started. Along with it, more information and insights followed suit in relatively rapid succession. The realization that I had anxiety in the first place was pretty important because, how do you act against something you don’t even acknowledge? There also used to be a personal conundrum I and someone relevant have been wondering about. I told them that I felt like there’s some sort of wall in my chest, and whatever is behind said wall, it really wants to get out and has the potential of bringing about great change, whatever that means. I was asked to think about what that wall is, that was earlier this year and I could never put my finger on it. With realizing that I’ve got anxiety, I think I not only found out what that “wall” is, but also managed to damage it.

    It sounds strange that you wouldn’t know about these things, especially when you’re pretty introspective already. I actually don’t think it was a lack of awareness, I think it was a somehow deliberate but unconscious choice to deny it. I wouldn’t know why, perhaps it’s just the nature of such things, to make you deceive yourself and ignore the fundamental truth, like a parasite attempting to preserve its place in its host.

    Anyway, I’ve been in this messy situation for a very, very long time spanning multiple years. It all started out when I was released from a dorm, for lack of a better word, where I was sent because I had lots of bad experiences and horrible climates that I couldn’t handle, both in school and at home, which had the side-effect of me missing almost a total of two years from school. The department responsible for difficult kids like yours truly saw it necessary to send me there, neither I nor my parents had any say in that.

    The dorm was like a second home, its people like a second family when I left after four years. I had no friends back at my actual home, I was dropped into another sequence of bad experiences and my contact with my old environment cut off fairly rapidly. Back then I solely relied on this supportive environment to give me confidence and self-worth, something I didn’t have here, which meant that I allowed fears to fester and grow. Enough that it got completely out of hand.

    For the longest time, I’ve not even been a fraction of my former self. Young me was charismatic, intelligent, well spoken, easily made all sorts of friends, was highly reliable, an inspiration to some and an active influencer, someone with brimming potential to excel in more ways than just one. Compare that to my shy, perpetually intimidated, fragile, isolating, silent and aimless self that had holes in his memory left and right and took ages to finish a sentence, it becomes a difference between day and night. It weren’t the friends I’ve lost, they had moved on as everyone does and I’ve let them, it was myself that was the biggest loss.

    Fear completely consumed me just a few years after I got home, it was a lingering process and I’ve not always been this introspective, so this wasn’t something I could easily detect on my own. It got to the point where I not just censored what I said and wrote, I censored my being, or what’s left of it. I became bitter, frustrated, I got angry easily, at the later stages I’ve almost gone bonkers in certain periods.

    This censorship came with another consequence that had the ability to fester, and it was a belief. I looked at my old image album the dorm gave me before my departure, and the thought was that young me was dead, gone, and that I have to carry on as someone else. I became so convinced that people can change on such an incredibly fundamental level that, in the end, what’s left is a completely different identity with only name and appearance being a reminder of old days. Now, I could’ve just looked at my brother and reminded myself that he’s been a dork, same as ever, but it would only occur to me later when I took a step back and analyzed the big picture that was my past. Therein I saw patterns, sets of behaviors and actions that repeated themselves in both the recent and distant past, which clearly are all part of a whole identity, proving my bizarre beliefs wrong.

    While it’s great to have realized this, there are more questions to answer and more problems to solve, one of which was a deep passion that I’ve lacked for the longest time, one that would serve as a compass which I could use throughout life, perhaps to create a fulfilling one. I do have hobbies, but those are means to keep the insanity at bay, I never understood the obsession with trying to turn a hobby into a job and I’m not sure I could handle most of my hobbies if they were jobs. I looked back at my previous post and what I wrote, that I should live and not idly ponder because it only gets me this far. I still stand true to it, but I decided to expand on the living part, and instead of just living, I wanted to know how I used to live.

    That’s where another problem was solved and such a “compass” was found. Throughout life, I’ve been someone to take initiative, a doer. If I didn’t like something, I went and fixed it myself. Frankly I have the habit of being dissatisfied with a lot, and although that might sound like a negative trait, it can be harnessed. Not just that, but by looking back I’ve also seen that on a few occasions I’ve demonstrated an affinity for leadership. What’s more is that I’ve been incredibly passionate about these things whenever I had a chance to combine and exercise them, a kind of passion that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in myself. I think the reason why I never thought of it before was simply my complete lack of self-worth and confidence.

    What this revelation had was meaning, and so I move on to another potentially closed chapter. In my previous post I might have mentioned that whatever I set out to do in order to improve things for myself, like a schedule, it always came to a sudden stop. Well, when life is bereft of meaning, how could it not? I had the will to improve, but what for? That is where the dots slowly stop connecting, but I did notice one more thing which helps me with the aforementioned, and that are the steps I took in order to get where I was before everything went to hell. I think they’re replicable to some extent, and it will require a whole lot of patience and persistent work, but I think after all these years I should have patience aplenty.

    Now, lastly, I’ve been thinking about this self-finding I constantly wrote about. Based on what I wrote before, that I just thought myself dead, I don’t think finding the self was actually my intention. I think I wanted to find something that was inherently not me, something better than me, that could give me the strength to carry on. Now where I’ve had all these thoughts, I’ve not been feeling the urge to find anything at all. Doesn’t mean that I think there aren’t “other” things to find, and I have reasons to suspect that I have, but everything in due time. I think before I seriously start with that, I should take care of what’s vital: the big part of myself I've disassociated from and abandoned, which ultimately caused so much damage.

    The changes

    My emotional landscape definitely did change a lot. In a very, very weird way that I just can’t really describe, because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. So, most of the time I experience emotional distance now, but not in the sense that I’m emotionally dead, but rather that I don’t feel the weight of them in my chest. I can still sense them in a way, but not quite “feel” them, it’s more of a faint awareness rather than an urge or compulsion. At least in the majority of cases, certain anger for example can still be felt, but even that dissipates fairly quickly. That emotional change is especially true for music. It used to have huge emotional impact on me, the main reason why I appreciated it so much, but now I don’t really feel anything anymore, only in seemingly random, weak and very short bursts. I still appreciate it loads though, but I have no idea how or why. I don’t really understand what’s happened here.

    What’s more is that every move I make is infused with a goal, meaning if you will, unlike before. I can go about my self-imposed duties without the thought of "why am I doing this?". My fluency in language has returned to me somewhat, no idea how that happened, but it's great to have regardless. I’ve gained back a degree of confidence I’ve not seen in a while and I have this really strange determination. It used to be that, if I would have to talk to important people, high standing members of a company or institution, I’d be getting plenty nervous. It’s just gone now. Mostly. Of course, anxiety is still a thing, but I think I have it on a relatively firm leash now.


    Now, I can’t tell whether these changes are permanent, although I certainly do hope so because they’re nothing but positive. “False positives” usually only last a day or two, after which the effects will disappear, and I had that a lot. In this instance though, these effects have lasted much longer now and only fluctuate seemingly randomly but never disappear.

    A glimpse at the future

    The word “future” was missing in my vocabulary for far too many years, life was nothing but a river with a fast current, and I’ve been in the middle of it all, not caring where it goes. Well I think that changed now.

    My educational status and qualifications are fairly low, making it very difficult to find “satisfying” occupation where I can actually do something more profound, but I have looked at possibilities to change that, perhaps to even get far enough to be permitted to study. I have made vague plans already that I’d like to flesh out over the coming months and execute sometime next year, working on other aspects of myself in the meantime. There are also plans to get among people again with certain meets and by finding myself some local communities.

    Not every problem is fixed, it's not just rainbow and pixie dust from now on and I can see a plenitude of hurdles to overcome before I remotely get where I'd like to stand, but over these last three years I've only made progress and if I'm correct in my faith and in my assessment, this might well be the start of a significant turning point. Of course, there's no guarantee that a 180 won't happen again, but I choose to believe that it won't come to that.

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    We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay. 

    When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try. 

    Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing. 

    I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see. 

    Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.

    May you be blessed and loved, -Beast

  4. About time I made another blog entry!

    Today I've found myself stuck in a bit of an art block. so when I sat down to work on stuff I ended up just doodling, then (as I sometimes do when I'm stuck in the inspired-but-blocked mood), I had a little look through my past drawings - all the things I've sketched but never done anything with, which I have a lot of.

    Art's a big part of my life. It's a hobby, but also a way to deal with and explore my emotions. And there's a pretty big difference between my vent art and normal art - stuff for venting is rough, messy, surreal, abstract and heavy on symbolism. It's nothing like anything I've ever shared on here. Honestly, I rarely share my vent art at all. Most of the time I don't even save it, but occasionally I'll make something that feels right and keep it for posterity. These images represent a very personal and true expression of what goes on inside my head - sometimes it's things related to my mental health, or life events, but I've used it to work through spiritual confusion and fear as well.

    It's a real shame all my blog posts from the old site have been purged. There was a lot in there from times where I was still figuring all this stuff out... and it was a very hard time for me, don't get me wrong. My mental health was much worse than it is now, and a lot of the things I experienced were a source of... genuine existential terror for me. Sounds dramatic, but... that's truly what it felt like. And that feeling hasn't exactly gone anywhere, but gradually I'm learning to frame it in ways that make it easier to work with, and not letting it rule my mind as much as it used to. It would've been nice to still have records from when I was working through this stuff. Don't think I would've felt right making backups anywhere though, so... eh.

    All that to say... my "relationship" with my spiritual self can get ugly sometimes. My interpretation of it has never been flattering. Even at the best of times, it's still a monster to me. 

    So there's times where I feel more in-tune with that side of me, and I have to work it out somehow, so I'll turn to art. And... the things I draw at those times, while confusing and sometimes a little scary, definitely feel most representative of what I truly am. And... I never view those representations as a negative. Might look like something out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, but it feels "right" to me - and that feeling is comforting. Even though I don't always enjoy being a spirit entity, I'm long past the point of trying to distance myself from that identity (it's... never went well, the times I did try to do that). I'd rather embrace it, with all the weirdness and confusion it entails.

    What I end up with are basically... objectively bizarre or, in their own ways, kinda horrifying representations of myself - that also, in an almost contradictory way, help me parse that side of myself in a way that makes me feel more understanding of it, and even more at peace with it. In the end, when I say I'm scary or that I'm a monster, I don't mean it to say that I don't like myself or that I'd ever want to change. It certainly doesn't mean I feel, on any level, malevolent or dangerous. I just know that, from a human perspective, the true way to represent my spiritual self would be as something surreal, alien and... yeah, really damn scary. Representing myself in that way feels right. That kind of self-expression is really important to me as a person. 

    Today, while I was trawling through my old art files, I found something that really struck a chord. I can't remember when I did it, so it must've been a while back. And... yeah, it's strange, but looking at a big black squiggly mess, I felt more like... "yeah, this is me" than I ever have towards any normal drawing I've tried to make to express this side of me. It feels a bit weird to share this art, since I don't usually show people this sorta thing, but... it feels important, so I want to share it somewhere. Where better than here? Specifically this is a representation of... kinda the line between my spiritual self, my current identity and my headmates (who are psychological, and hypothetically share the same "soul"/spiritual core as I have). 

    I dunno what people will make of this, or if anyone cares, but... yeah. Surreal, shitty symbolic vent art. Yep, it's really something.

    God, sharing this stuff feels like how I imagine it'd feel to hand someone my diary, if I kept a diary.

  5. Latest Entry

    Platinum

    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: male

    Species: catnine (catlike canine hybrid)

    Status: main sona (formerly), status to-be-determined

    Dexter

    Pronouns: he/him

    gender: malw

    species: lynx

    status: background/extra

    Spook

    pronouns: he/him

    gender: male

    species: dog

    status: background/extra

    Peanut

    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: none

    species: Dutch angel dragon

    status: main

     

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    Shoutout and welcome back to K1-b0!

    He was absent for about three weeks, and I was concerned he had left the system completely, but today he reappeared. Him coming back was slow, gradual, and I doubted he would make it past his quiet co-conscious state, but to my pleasant surprise, he came closer and closer until he took front. I am so proud of K1-b0 for returning, for despite my skepticism of his mere existence while he was away and while we were co-con, he was able to regain confidence and present as himself shamelessly, and I was able to let him.

    Part of his confidence boost was thanks to our new friend, who we were concerned would not accept him, but thankfully did. While K1-b0 was co-con and I was openly inviting him to front, I warned our friend that K1-b0 was present with me, separate from me, and might front and want to be recognized. I stressed a bunch that they would not accept me or K1-b0 and recognize us as us and that it would send K1-b0 back into dormancy, but... Thankfully, the fear was unnecessary. This friend - who was already kin friendly - was kind enough recognize us as separate individuals and spoke to K1-b0 as his own individual when he did take front and announced himself to them.

    So, K1-b0 had a warm welcome to front. He was able to enjoy socializing with a new friend, and most of all he got to enjoy being himself. But aside from just being happy that he has returned, I am especially thankful for what he did in front. While in front, K1-b0 soon got up, full of motivation and energy, and took it upon himself to do chores. He started laundry, cleaned up the bedroom, and then fed the body a proper meal. Without him using his time, energy, and motivation in front to do these helpful things, I may not have done any of it. I very likely would have just had another depressed, unproductive day with more skipped meals. I was exhausted after he stepped out of front, but I was still moved enough by his efforts that I have continued his work, and I'm taking better care of myself and my surrounding, all thanks to K1-b0.

    So thank you, deeply, K1-b0, and welcome back. 

    - Pony

  6. Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not;  But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
     image.png.e2449e05b24e3f329af24de4c36bf5bd.png

    And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
    1281174516_ohleggy.png.68abe664d409d5da0f530d2708658e64.png
    soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~ 

    I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3

  7. Latest Entry

    Otherkin Volg 3

     

    I had just realized I haven't done this in a while... But having parents that do not support me in almost anything, sucks....

    I try to be nice, I try to be a good child....  But I just suck....  if I were them, I would have sold me to a orphanage already.

    my parents found out about kinmunity....  it did not end well.  I do not like talking about it, unless its with someone privately...  But I will say, that I hate them.  They are stressful.. and a pain in the ass.  My mom took half of my room, and "cleaned" it then through away things that I did not want her too.  She didn't ask me if she could through somethings away.... but she did anyway.  She sucks the life out of me.   I help her with her anxiety, I do lots of things for her, but she still treats me like shit.

    I cannot wait to leave my house.  As soon as I am 17 I am out of there.

    Sorry... this post was more a vent then a volg entry...

     

    10:54 AM ~ 5/21/2019

    Cleo/FoxChi

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    Latest Entry

    Vedui'nosse,

    Elvenportal has a good list, but quite a few of the links are broken, so I've gone through and picked out ones that aren't! These are Sites that I found useful/informative. Please feel free to comment with sites you would like to see up here!

    Quote

     

    Silver Elves - A good starting resource! A group of Elves who help other elves find their place!

    Elvin Portal- A lot of good resources involving Elfin exploration!

    Elenari.net - Another good site for finding yourself/finding answers!

    Rialian.com - More info about Elfinkin

    Rialian.com - A non-Tolkien Elven language! 

    Catharism - A potential 12th-14th century Elfin group in France!

    The Cathars/Catharism (2) - Hybrid DNA 

    Elfin Awakening - Elfin Blog with good information

    Lostkin - Otherkin Memory Recollection

    Eristic - Big resource, lots of resources to other sites too.

    The Fair Folk - An Essay/Chapter about Elfin kind

    Otherkin Resources - A sort-of mini-hub for resources of Otherkin.

    Otherkin Fandom Wiki - FANDOM wiki site of Otherkin!

    Elfkind Digest - A sort-of magazine/digest providing more info on Elfin'kin and Otherkin!

    Tolkien High Elves - A discussion about Finnish centric games.

     

    Wanya yassen i'taure e' seere, (Depart with the forest peacefully),

    Tally.

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    Hello again, fellow therians and kin!

    I have some exciting news!

    I have been working on a project of mine quite frequently.

    I am extremely excited to announce this!

    Anyway, let me get to the point!

    I have started a therian group in my province, which also has a website designed by myself!

    Here's the link if anyone wants to check it out! 

    https://ontarioteentheriansandkin.weebly.com

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    The system is all characters i created (ocs)

    Host is me ( ref : https://community.tulpa.info/user-dragonchan8)

    Here we go

    76b4a8ad6d449d7.thumb.png.d1de4032f73ef9bc176698c00b61d199.png H the Dragon (art by someone on pixilart,not saying names for privacy reasons) 

    Species: Dragon (duhhh)

    Gender: Non bi

    Sexuality: Unknown

    Age: 14

    A friend dragon that loves male pronouns but he prefers "their" "them" "they",He is always questioning life and his identity.He is a tulpa created in 2019

    c5b1590a36ed785.thumb.png.93cb82271568605e7ce23ff2a998f181.png Clicker the amazon dragon

    Species: Amazon dragon

    Gender: Female

    Sexaulity: Bisexual

    Age: 18 (200 in dragon years)

     

    A kind heart and loving dragon,clicker helps her host when shes depressed or when she has  a anxiety attack.she is playful but can be very annoying at times.She was created in 2018

     

  8. People might remember the previous two entries regarding this stuff. This creature was really confusing to the point I didnt know what to do besides exploring different angles and see what would make the most sense. I have in my absence here continued that avenue to discover a really interesting twist in the story what would make the most sense. As far for the other angles, I did the cameoshift angle but as with the Dunklesoteus there was more to the story then just that. In the most sense I guess that it was something familiar that was part of me that only with time would come out as the Dunkleosteus did. The other angle was past life but that also didnt really stick in the sense I didnt had some memories of it, if there was any then I couldnt really make a connection to that case unlike the Dunkleosteus who showed very possible memories of behavior what would make sense in some form as the top predator, In other words I had nothing to go of that would point to the same thing and in turn would point to possible Earthly kintype that wasnt from the Godec. The last angle had to do with the Godec or my shapeshifting kintype since it didnt feel right to abandon it right away. It had also forms that shared elements with exctinct Earthly creatures so it was something that had to remain open too. I have tried to explore more but it seems I cannot get more then what I currently know but maybe time will slowly reveal more but I think I have found at least the possible truth.

    Of all the angles that I pursuit it did point more strongly towards the Godec kintype being responisble. As time went on it started to reveal more features what I didnt know at the time. It has some element of the Rauisuchus in the sense it's tail and hind legs share features with it. The front part proved to be similiar in build to that of a bull. The front consistet of front legs that are hooved, shoulders were also similiar build and the horns were also similiar to that of a bull. The suprising thing was the head that was more of a mix between that of a dragon and a bull. Putting it together had been quite a puzzle but in general terms I can describe it the best as some sort of Rauisuchus/bull mix though I dont believe it is neccersary like the other forms. It looks to different. I tried to wreck all my experiences for a possible answer and this creature seems to be a true form from my Godec life. I dont neccersary have all the answer towards how it does fit in perfectly but comparing it to the other forms who really look more Earthly with alien form it just doesnt look the same. I have uncovered some possible memories that point more towards a true Godec form that hasnt changed at all through time unlike the other forms. I never really expected to uncover this angle at all. As far I could expect it was something that is more like the lion form that I posted in a earlier blog what is a look upon one of my most experienced form. I tried to think maybe somehow my only known true form from those days, my dragon form, was somehow partially responsible and somehow it got mixed up in all of this thus making it a false lead to further continue but no. Despite sharing elements with the Rauisuchus, it is not really some earthly like form that has alien elements. The one thing that made it different from the dragon is the fact the dragon hind legs are clearly 3 toed. The hindlegs of this creature has clearly 4 toes but lacks the 5th toe what is present in the Rauisuchus but the legs and whole behind and tail is siniliar build as the Rauisuchus. 

    Despite all the confusion and how hard it is to exactly picture it fully, I feel I begin to slowly learn more about this creature. It seems more and more positive it is connected to the Godec life I used to have. I still am trying to search for more evidence and answers surrounding this creature but feel I have at least a good basis to say it is a form of my shapeshifing form. I always felt there was something missing in the sense of I didnt have all the forms yet. This creature feels to fill the last gap I need to know for certain how many forms I have. Aside the ones I already know I have this seems to be the last true form what would make the Godec kintype in some sense complete. I guess I just didnt know what to look for at all and just kept those things to myself since I had no real experiences to back up so brushed it off as maybe I do have all the asnwers I need regarding my forms but it now feels like I have my complete forms back though most have changed. There are still many unanswered questions left but now I have a complete view of the many forms, I have a solid basis to build more and try to get a best possible view of how that past life used to be with the little memories I have left. It wont bring me to the full picture but it will bring me closer to the time periods that I can fill to get some sense of who i used to be and how I lived truely and how these forms fit in the whole thing.

    I will be honest and say that I didnt expect the creature to be a true form from the Godec days. But as I know before, there comes a time that I need to follow with what I feel is the truth and it feels right. Cramming it tp nothing more as the other forms doesnt feel right. Approaching it as a form that is from those days feels right. So why did the Rauisuchus trigger this whole thing? Well despite not exactly looking like this animal, I feel that seeing some familiar things back in this animal form seems to be more of the trigger as it looks very similiar. That is also what happened with my snake form. I became aware of this form when I learned about the Basilisk. In some ways it felt like looking into a mirror that wasnt complete yet. The missing part was from the bull elements. Combining those animals together what results in a unlikely hybrid just makes more sense when it is approached as a draconic like bull creature then a hybrid between those 2 animals with alien elements. I still have many questions left that surrounds this creature but only time will tell wether some or all will be answered or not. Some memories that I already know seem to become more clearer now I am aware of this form. I dont know where this path will lead me yet but I am ready to welcome the missing form that I unknowingly have searched for so many times. 

    I have plans to make a another commission from a another form and this one seems to be the next perfect candidate for it to put it in art to show a truely fascinating creature.

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    Since I'm starting this blog near the end of my current semester, I figured a recap post was called for. 

    This is my first semester at college. Due to some complications I'll cover in a different post, I wasn't able to start college the semester right after graduation—which is why my first semester is in the spring. I started off by taking four classes: English, engineering, trigonometry, and public speaking. I ended up dropping the trig class because the grading policies were kinda sketch, so it's down to three. I'm doing well in public speaking and engineering, but my grade in English is struggling since that and math seem to be what my learning disabilities affect the most. 

    I've had times where I flourished and times where I struggled throughout grade school, but my last two years of high school were very rough, which were what eventually lead to my diagnoses in my senior year. Having gone through almost the entirety of grade school undiagnosed really messed up my sense of self-esteem and self-worth—but again, that's a topic I'll discuss deeper another time

    I'm hoping to update this blog with my progress and important notes at least once a week, and given I'll be taking my second English class (if I pass the first) and retaking trig this summer, that shouldn't be a problem 😊

    I look forward to sharing my journey with you all, and feel free to comment with any questions below 😸

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    Luna "Milos" Silvermoon

    [Host + Core] | 16 | They/Them + Other Neo/Nounself Pronouns

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Aurora Grace "Aura" Silvermoon 

    [Little] | Age Slider 5-15 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Ace of Spades "Ace" Alabaster

    [Unknown Role] | 25 | They/Them, It/Its

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Nova

    [Caretaker] | Unknown Age | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Kitty

    [Deals With Social Situations] | 14 | She/Her, Meow/Meows/Meowself, Kit/Kits/Kitself

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Kaylie Jayce

    [Unknown Role] | 19 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Quinn "Q" Murphey

    [Protector] | 18 | He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Emiline "Emi" Rin

    [Unknown Role] | 15 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Wolf

    [Protector + Nonhuman] | Age Unknown | He/Him, It/Its

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Rosebud

    [Nonhuman + Unknown Role] | 3 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Mouse

    [Slight Trauma Holder + Nonhuman] | 13 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Percy Hunter

    [Main Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Benjamin "Ben" Hunter

    [Tritary Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Penelope "Penny" Hunter

    [Secondary Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Susan

    [Handles Adult Situations + Nonhuman + Trauma Holder] | Age Slider 19-25 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Jaxon "Jax"

    [Insider] | 25 | He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Queenie

    [Reformed Persecutor + Trauma Holder] | Age Slider 12-13 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Cat Cat

    [Deals With Uncomfotable Situations + Nonhuman] | Age Unknown | She/Her, It/Its

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Melissa

    [Trauma + Memory Holder] | 6 | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Flora

    [Unknown Role, Possibly Memory/Trauma Holder] | Age Unknown | She/her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Ivory

    [Protector] | 17 | She/Her, They/Them

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Ebony

    [Protector] | 17 | She/Her, They/Them

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Bug

    [Unknown Role] | Age Unknown | She/Her, He/Him

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Fairest

    [Unknown Role] | Age Unknown | She/Her

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Integrated/Dormant System Members

    Flora, Snow

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    Laptop's hard-disk met its maker after a decade holding strong (Can you believe Win 7 already that old?) I have a phone in the mean time.

    Only now I realise how mandatory is a comfortable seat and screen that can hold whole discussions (there's lots here to get back to!), to reference others and compile my thoughts..

    Can probably rig up a live USB / Live CD of some GNU/Linux flavour in mean time and give the thing a few more years of life as a web browser/text processor.

    Until then[...]

    ~Corvid.

  9. Latest Entry

    Well, life's been okay. Not great, not awful. I don't really have much to report, but I want to try to write a blog every few days or so.

    I'm thinking about telling my counselor about me being fictionkin. From what I know about her I can guess that she probably doesn't know what it is. I'll have to explain what it is, then I'll give her a little more information on my fictotypes and my beliefs about it and such. The only thing holding me back is that I'm nervous about how she'll react. If anyone has some experience with this (and if anyone actually reads this) I'd love it if you could drop a comment on your experience with telling your counselor/therapist about being otherkin.

    Moving on... Good news! I got a new wig in the mail today. Looks just like my (Sal's) hair should. Wearing it is rather comforting, plus it's really soft. More good news... The principal at my school is super lenient and she said she's cool with me wearing wigs to school "as long as they're not distracting". So of course I'm gonna go for it. I'll probably throw on an outfit in my old color scheme while I'm at it, but sadly I'll have to leave the mask behind. Can only get away with so much, right?

    Well, that's all for today. I know it wasn't anything super interesting, but that's what I've got. Thanks for reading!

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    Okay, so I hope you figured I wasn't really talking about the Matrix. I'm kind of disappointed too, because it would be pretty cool to be able to enter a virtual world where we could physically be our other selves. Something like Ready Player One... yeah...

    But anyways, I have the next best thing. It's not even close, but it's technically the next best thing.

    A few years ago, I was browsing a witch craft shop near my home, and on a whim I purchased a book on Native American spirit animals and how to find yours. The actual part about finding the spirit animal never helped, but the meditation technique described in the book sure did. With it, you can enter an open sandbox world, assume whatever form you wish (in this case, my kintype), and basically do whatever you want (I don't judge). It's an excellent tool for voluntary shifting and visualizing your kintype, as I've been regularly using it to do.

    Enough fluff. Let's get down to business.

    1. If you don't know the basics of meditation, you're essentially going to want to find a comfortable, quiet spot to sit or lay down. Close your eyes and focus on the feeling of your chest rising and falling as you breathe. Just focus on this feeling. If you feel your thoughts wandering, don't panic, just gently let the thoughts drift away and return to focusing on your breathing. If you're new to meditating, this may be difficult at first, but just keep practicing. Meditation is a learned skill like most things in life. Do this one time a day for about 3 minutes until you have it down and can start extending the time further.
    2. Now, assuming you've been meditating for a while, gently envision yourself in a favorite location, real or imagined. It could be the middle of space, the lawn of the White House, or in my case, a particular beach that I loved in the Honduras. For the sake of presentation, we'll use the beach. Once you're standing on the beach, don't do anything. Feel the cool breeze on your face, flowing through your hair. Wiggle your toes in the sand. Listen to the roar of the surf. Remain on the beach until it feels as real as can be. This is your "loading screen" where you'll anchor your mind to the dream space. Stay on this beach as long as you need, and remember not to rush.
    3. Turn around, wherever you are, and see a cave. It doesn't even have to be a real cave- just tack in on to whatever location you're at. This cave is your "tunnel" to the other world. Slowly walk into the cave. Feel the gravel crunch under your feet as you do, and hear your footsteps echoing off the walls. Keep walking until you come to a door. The door can be as close or as far as you wish, just remember to take it slow. If you rush, you'll disrupt the vision. I know you want to get to the fun stuff, but patience is key.
    4.  Open the door and step through into a new world that your kintype would like. This is the "other" world where your kinself exists. I always step out onto a tall mountain peak, with enough space to accommodate a dragon. It's the tallest peak around, with the rest of the world sprawling away into the horizon on all sides.  There's evergreen trees, rivers winding through valleys, and not a cloud in the sunny sky. Take a few moments to once again soak in the sensations of being in this world. The burning of the sun on your face and the wind. Do this as long as you need.
    5. Now, transform. Stay in first person. I watch the ground get farther away as my long neck rises into the air. I feel my four legs plant firmly into the ground. I look down to examine my front legs, now draconian. I turn around and see the rest of me, wings included. I flare out my wings slowly and feel the sensation. I remain still for several moments again, just feeling my other body. Then, I trudge to the edge and leap. I feel the wind as I fall, then open my wings and begin soaring. This is it, you're doing it!
    6. When you're done with your shenanigans, return to your starting point. Transform back to human. Walk back through the door and through the tunnel and back onto the beach. This is you "returning" to the real world. 
    7. Open your eyes. You're now back from your journey.

    This technique may not work for everyone, and that's perfectly okay. If you've found a better way, kudos to you! Maybe share it with me sometime? None the less, this is how I induce voluntary shifts on myself. Thanks for sticking around this long! I hope this helps you visualize your other self!

     

  10. Go away...don't let me hurt you. You want me around so badly, you are surprised when I hurt you. Stop saying I'm beautiful, stop saying I hurt others because I was hurt, stop saying this is alright. Stop, stop. I tried to warn you I really did. How many times do I need to hurt you to make you hate me, please leave, don't let me kill you. You look at me and think I am smirking at your idiocy, or laughing at your pain. I laugh and smile because as soon as I stop I will burst into tears. Don't look, Don't look. I am vulnerable. I hate it when you stick that finger in my face, you come so closely I can smell the pain and hatred off of your lips. Don't lie to me by smiling and thinking this all is happily ever after. It's my curse...if I cry. I don't think I will ever be able to stop. Stop STOP STOP! Go away! Don't look at me with those sad eyes! Don't look at me with those pitiful eyes. If I die, maybe it'll give you the opportunity to come to life. I screwed this up. I screwed things up for the last time. I've killed everybody I have ever loved, now I have no place to go, no place to run. So now I cry, I have died my thousandth time.

    57393b840c20755a7853b590dd29b92c.jpg

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    Latest Entry

    What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)

     Cat!

    Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?

     50/50 really. I'm an enigma! Also a scientist.

    When was your awakening (if you had one)?

     Didnt have one, baby I was born this way!

    If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?

     N/A

    If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?

     N/A

    If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?

     N/A

    Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?

     I've always been a catastrophy.

    Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?

     I did not, but learning that there was a word for what I was feeling was neat!

    If you didn't know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening, how did you come across the community?

     I've actually been giving this some thought, and I think it was CanineHybrid/Riley that introduced me to the concept! I was a freshmen in highschool, so it has been a good while ago. 

    Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?

     I have always been a kitty.

    If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?

     I have done lots of introspection that have allowed me to get to know myself better.

    Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?

     Nyope.

    Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

     Yes I do. I just take on a slightly more uninhibeted stance. Much more willing to do impulsive things. Happens fairly frequently! It can be triggered by pretty much anything. 

    Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    I can do that! They're usually really wonderful. I just let myself off the leash, so to speak. 

    Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

     Yep, always! They're constant, feels like a completely natural part of me. I use my ear positioning and my tail for expressing emotion but it hasn't seemed to work... Yet!

    Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    Nope. 

    Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?

     I don't recall ever having dream shifts. They'd probably just feel like me, so I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

    Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.

     Nope!

    What experiences and feelings led you to identify as your kintype rather than with it?

     Sure, I really like cats and all, but I am literally just a cat. A cat that looks like a human. 

    To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?

     I am well aware that I am human now, and I honestly wouldn't change that. I like my life. But also, I am a cat. They're so intertwined that I wouldn't be able to elaborate. 

    What led you to believe that your identity is spiritual or psychological in nature? Have you ever believed the other was true, or seriously considered that it may be?

     I'm 50/50 on this deal. I have meditated and had memories of my past life and I believe in reincarnation, but at the same time I am a scientist so I know that I could just be entirely manufacturing these memories. Who's to say without any definitive hard evidence? Certainly not me! I just live my life without thinking too hard on it. I'm a cat, and that's really all there is to it. 

    Do you have any past life memories (if your beliefs are spiritual) or artificial memories/flashbacks (if your beliefs are psychological)? If so, describe them.

     Yes! I believe that I was a feral cat. I definetly had kittens. I think I lived in the city, probably in a city park like Central Park. I can remember being in forested areas and alleyways. 

    Do you ever feel homesick for the location your kintype lives/lived in? If so, how do you deal with those feelings?

    Not really homesick, but I do love being in cities. I love going to cities.

    Are there any locations that make you feel closer to your kintype? Any locations that make you feel disconnected from it?

     Cities and forests are both home to me! I can easily feel full cat anywhere. There's nowhere that really makes me feel a disconnect.

    Do you experience species dysphoria? If so, how often? To what extent? Do you have any methods of coping with it?

     I don't, sorry! I wish I could help out.

    Do you have any behaviours or quirks that you attribute to your kintype?

     I'm very cat-like. The way I move and behave in general. 

    Do you have any nonstandard thought processes or instinctual reactions that you attribute to your kintype?

    Every small animal I want to eat. I would never. I'm a vegetarian and a vet tech, so it is my duty to do no harm. But still the instinct is always just 'I would eat that'. Also if there's a high route I gotta take it. I will go out of my way to go over instead of around. 

    Do you have any personality traits that you attribute to your kintype?

     The everything about me! I can't think of any specifics right now.

    Do you have any nonstandard beliefs, ethics or morals that you attribute to your kintype?

     I'm pretty morally-grey. I do things that benefit me. If that happens to help others, great! If not, oh well. I find that more often than not I do end up helping others, and that does make me happy. 

    Why do you believe the above behaviours/traits/etc. are related to your kintype?

     Cats don't really have morals. They are cats. There is a very thin line between real behavior and personification. Personifying our animals too much is a very, very dangerous thing. I have firsthand seen the reporcussions for people believing that their pets are like people. 
    What is a fact, sometimes feral cats form colonies that are matriarch driven. They are social in thier clowders. They will take care of eachother when resources are available.  

    Do you feel that having a nonhuman identity has been a positive, negative or neutral experience? Have you ever tried to deny your nonhuman identity?

     Neutral, really, though I sure do love being a cat! 

    Do you ever wish you could change your kintype? If so, what would you rather be?

     Nope! 

    Do you think this is enough questions for now? I sure hope so!

    Thank you for the good time!

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    Hi. im Dragon Runes. i'm a contherian & a polytherian and I've been in the otherkin community for about 6 years, i come across as a very morbid person at first but please don't let that stop you from reaching out to me. Below is a few bits of general information about me.

     

    Name - Dragon Runes, Runes, Echo & Dragon. (not my real name)

    Gender - Genderfluid.

    Pronouns - they/them or she/her

    Age - 17

    Kitypes - Wolf, Fox, Deer, Raccoon, Deer, Bear, American bison, Crystal dragon, Shadow Dragon, & Wendigo

    Main likes - warm spaces, being outside, tea, art & photography.

    Main dislikes - pushy people, bullying, art thieves.

     

    Going into depth on a few hobbies of mine, I'm an artist. I love the vulture culture and that often shows in a lot of my work. I'm also interested in mortuary science and forensic pathology. im a green witch, i love plants and animals and i love to take photos of my path and nature itself. im also into anime and animation and ive been working on a few things for a small animation too.

     

    I love alot of dark and morbid things and if you would like to talk to me about those things i will not start the conversation due to the fact it may come on too strong and it may make people uncomfortable. if you would like to talk about those things I will give you another way to talk to me.

     

    Why am i here?

    - I'm interested in joining the community to hopefully meet new people. I love meeting new people and I would love to hear other people's side of otherkinity. In the community, I'm apart of I feel like not many people share experiences so I'm hoping to find that here.

     

    How significant is therianthropy to you & How did you come across Therianthropy?

    - Therianthropy has become a large part of my life. It has gotten to be so big and embedded in my past, present and future that I hardly think about it. I came across the topic through youtube, by cringe videos. When I started looking more into it I was putting names to the experiences I've been having since I could remember. This all started happening around the middle school.

     

    Are you a therian & What is/are your theriotype(s)?

    - Yes, i am. But i have come to consider myself otherkin since it's the umbrella term for it! My kintypes listed above in the short bio i wrote.

     

    How did you find your theriotype/s & Do you believe that your therianthropy is spiritual, psychological, neurological, or something else in origin?

    - Like i said above, i found the community through cringe videos and shortly after that i used a few techniques that many people used to discover there kintypes and out of those things AP and Meditation worked the best for me. I believe my identity is a mix of spiritual and psychological. It's very hard for me to explain.

     

    but yeah. that's me lol! I hope to get to know many of you here!!

     

    If anyone would like to get ahold of me, you can find me here!

    (none of the accounts use my personal information!)

     

    Art and business email - lunafootprintart@gmail.com

    Therian amino - Dragon Runes

    The therian guide forum - Dragon Runes

    Instagram - @luna_footprint

    Snapchat - @lrunes666

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    For a few months, I’d been getting phantom shifts that I thought were odd. At first, I didn’t even know what they were. But even when I found that out they were still perplexing. During these shifts, I felt as if I were missing limbs. Most often it was either one leg or both arms, but it was different every so often. The ones involving my arms had been going on for a lot longer (an estimated five months), but the ones involving my legs started more recently (two or three months ago). I could see that my limbs were still there, but I had no control over them. And the fact that they were still there made me feel strangely uncomfortable. These shifts weren’t particularly painful, but obviously the feeling of missing limbs isn’t all too pleasant.

     

    The first time I tried to walk when my leg was gone in one of these shifts, it was definitely tricky. I felt like I couldn’t balance and actually fell, even though both feet should have been firmly planted on the ground. After the first few times this happened, I figured out how to push through it and move somewhat normally.


    The most stressful thing was that I couldn’t figure out why I was getting these phantom shifts. There was a certain character I figured maybe I was kin with, but maybe isn’t enough to be sure of anything. Not only that, but that character had never lost any limbs so it wouldn’t explain the phantom shifts. Sure, the shifts could have been due to a different fictotype or kintype, but it turns out that wasn’t it. I just identify as a different character, plain and simple. And I’m completely sure of this one. It’s more than just the phantom shifts of course, but I’ll describe more things in detail another time.

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    haha it's a play on words

    Anyway, that play on words sums up how I'm feeling and have been for a while. Like I just can't enjoy things that require relating to the human perspective. There's a lot of TV to watch but I can't enjoy any of it because I feel so detached from the experiences and feelings it's based on. (Especially if they're gender-specific, for some reason. It's like double bad because I don't relate well to gender divisions and don't relate to most human experience in general) Can't enjoy events. Can't enjoy socialization, even when my normal issues are accounted for. Can't enjoy games. Can't enjoy reading or any of the things I normally enjoy.

    I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at everything. It's normally not this bad, usually I can find a place in human society and experiences somehow if I really force it. But I just...can't, lately. Nothing feels right at all. Trying to make it feel right just makes it worse because now I have to think about it. Everything is so wrong. I could make it stop by trying to "live in the moment," but I can only do that for so long. I can only look at pictures for so long. I can only clear my mind for so long before the voices start flooding back in again and telling me that everything is wrong.

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