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  1. I got to thinking and I realized some stuff:

    A). I have an aesthetic appreciation of deserts and their symbolism (and also due to some religious stuff I don't wanna disclose since I'm still pretty agnostic; only one person on here will know what I mean)
    B). There actually is a "desert" in Maine

    What's that got to do with anything? It mostly has to do with the fact that the idea of myself being a western coyote feels forced. Me being a coyote feels right, unforced. It's just that western coyote self-image was forced. Before you say it doesn't matter, it does matter. There's a difference between eastern coyotes & western coyotes in appearances and vocalizations and ecology as well as behavior. If I let myself just exist, everything falls into place as matching up with eastern coyotes. My behaviors & desires, my vocalizations, my phantom body...it all matches up.

    While probably not exactly correlated, my dreams in which I am a coyote involve forests and other coyotes. And you know what? Those other coyotes sure look a lot like coywolves (ask me about the coyote dream that sticks to me despite having it years ago and I will write a blog entry about it). If I was a desert coyote, wouldn't I have dreams about deserts and western looking coyotes? I'd think so. My dreams never take place in deserts, though. Well, I had one dream taking place in a desert but it wasn't a coyote dream. So, I'm changing some stuff up on here to better reflect this realization. Still as coyote as ever. Just realized I have a bit of wolf & dog in the mix, too. The puzzle pieces have clicked and this section of the puzzle that is me is complete.

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    My personal explanation for my other-ness has always been reincarnation, mixed with the multi-universe. I’m not really sure how to explain it outside of just knowing it’s right; I was a dragon in a past life and somehow I managed to (vaguely) remember it, with said dragon still being a part of me. This is probably the best explanation I can give currently, as I haven’t been questioning the why as much as I think I should. 

    My appearance Ive shared before, but I’ll state again here just so everything can be in one place. This is just a general idea of what I think, however, and it may change slightly as I learn more about myself.I was a bear-sized dragon with pale-gray scales, blue and gray feathered wings, and a blue mane. I’m fairly certain that this “mane” is made up of down feathers rather than fur, but am still figuring that one out. Large black scales dot above each leg and under each eye. I had three-toed paws with gray claws. My overall build is a more boxy, European style. 

    a drawing of my dragon self


    My home was in a boreal forest, or a taiga. For those unfamiliar with the biome type, boreal forests are mostly made of various species of evergreens, with long harsh winters and deep snow on the ground. Summers were short, but much warmer (and by warm I mean 10 C or 50 F hehe) with lots more vegetation to go around. I lived with a clan here, though I don’t remember much about my clan. Just that they were there, that we protected each other, and that elders would sometimes hibernate. Sometimes the hibernation was just to escape the cold winters, sometimes they lasted years as they just slept. I couldn't tell you how sleeping for several years helped them, but it does seem nice heh. 

    I spent many a day fishing along a river that cut through our territory, and I have very vague memories of flying to a more tundra-like place for… reasons? I can’t really remember why. 

    That’s just about all I can remember. Not much about me as a person, or my clan as of now. Hopefully someday I can remember more, however. For as long as I’ve been aware of my otherness, I feel like this is a very large amount to remember and am thankful for that. 

    Calming Snow 
    Broken and torn by
    River’s journey

     

  2. Latest Entry

    Back when I was a teenager, I was into some cringy Mary Sue stuff. Looking back now, I know that there was a kernel of truth to it. I misinterpreted, but it's also reassuring to see how much I got right on a symbolic level. I used to channel my kin feelings into writing fiction because that was the only outlet I had for it at the time. Computers were just barely starting to be something that regular people might have in their homes, and only if they were geeky hobbyists. I didn't have one until later. 

    So, my main character was an anthro-hawk woman who was a bit untamed. Still, she carried a sword and dedicated herself to defending her city, with the adobe walls, close to a fertile river valley, on the edge of a desert. She would take side jobs hunting game for the local tavern, delivering packages, and raising some extra coins from fighting in the other tavern. Of course this Mary Sue had the most wonderful soulmate ever. I was obsessed with him.

    The guy was an anthropomorphized sun spirit. He also carried a sword and defended the city. He literally glowed and could cook raw meat in the palm of his hand on a sunny day, not that he did that very often. He was also friendly and charismatic, unlike the hawk woman whose wild-like indifference often kept people at a distance. The problem was that he depended on the sun for his own survival. If he exhausted himself, he'd suffer through the cold dark night until the next morning. A fire could help keep him going. 

    Years later, in college I started writing another story, about an otherkin-type awakening happening in our world. The hawk lady could not even go outside because those wings were just too big to hide, so the guy took her in and watched over her. Except this time he was a vampire. He worked in a nightclub. He was still charismatic, but he was also sarcastic and snarky. He hunted the other "monsters" that were suddenly appearing around the city. Then one morning while trying to help the hawk woman escape, he got caught out in the sunlight and captured. 

    He didn't turn to ash, but he was severely burned. The people who captured him soon learned that his healing actually accelerated under a sun lamp. His body reconfigured itself into his sun aspect. He regained his sense of compassion, which was always there, just buried. Though he could still be a snarky asshole when he felt like it. In college, while I was writing this character, I did start to suspect that my "soulmate" really was another aspect of myself. (This was after the Horus vision, but I was ignoring the heck out of that back then.) 

    Just some wild ham-fisted fiction, right? Not exactly. I had been hanging out with the Thunder Being, playing astral cowboy for a time, defending my city and quite determined that the only monster allowed within my territory was me. I was still ignoring the hell out of Horus, though my actions proved that ignoring it didn't make it go away. Then Ra stepped in and decided he'd had enough of my denials. He scorched the crap out of my energy every morning for two and a half months. I was terrified that it would never end. Even as it burned, I craved more, like I had been starving for who knows how many years. The burn is all energy, but I also feel it as a physical sensation under my skin, first a build up of pressure and then something like heat followed by something like sunburn. (My studies in Tai Chi have taught me that there is a link between chi and the connective tissues in the body, so it probably does create something of a physical reaction in me.) Being burned by the sun until it rewired me to its liking was apparently a prophetic idea. My writing predicted that transformation years in advance. 

    I've been sensitive to those energies ever since, though the intensity varies from day to day. Some days I sleep through it. Some days it wakes me up and I ignore it and go back to sleep. Some days it's blissful and I find myself begging for more. Some days the pressure builds, and some days it burns. It's usually more intense when I've exhausted myself the day before. I suspect that the faster I pull it in, the hotter it feels. It's strongest in spring and summer. In fall it starts to have something like an unpleasant metallic taste to it as it slowly diminishes. In winter, I just sort of drag myself along. I can usually detect the first hopeful hints of spring before the temperature starts to warm. 

    I insist, with a snarl in my voice, that I am not a vampire. It's possible I "doth protest too much." The psi vampires would put me in the elemental category because of my dependence on solar energy. And it is true that I have to watch myself in winter because I am capable of taking energy from other sources, and might do so accidentally.  A few weeks ago someone wandered by and mentioned the Aset Ka, and I snarled then too. Putting Kemeticism and vampirism together? That feels like summoning and celebrating the diminished form, an aberration. There may be some kernel of truth, but it seems to ignore that the great big flaming ball in the sky is the true source of immortality and power. Toss those Anne Rice books out the window already. Egypt was not about death. It was about a life force so strong that it defies death, and you didn't have to steal it, just embrace it. Ride on the solar barque and risk the sun's heat to become a Shining One if the Field of Reeds isn't good enough for you. 

    Is this another territorial reaction of "no monsters here but me?" Maybe a resentment of how close to the line I'm already sitting? Maybe annoyance at people who confuse desperation with power. Maybe recognition that my own energy state is variable enough that I don't take it for granted, and I'd be majorly pissed at anyone who disrupted it without my consent. The consent thing is a big issue. I don't tend to snarl at people who respect that line, and I've been a willing energy donor myself a few times when I've had extra to spare. Lots of mixed feelings on the subject. 

    But yeah, that "soulmate" guy was part of me all along. 

  3. Lately I've been doing a bit more research on cab horses from the late 1800s to the mid 1900s, and have found that most carriages, cabs, etc. were drawn by larger draft horses such as Clydesdales and Shires. I will do a bit more research and see if I find either of them fitting. I will probably do some research on other breeds of draft horses as well.

    I've started questioning Morab as opposed to just being an Arabian. I've felt that lately just labeling myself as an Arabian horse hasn't felt quite correct. I will probably do some more research on Morabs and I will probably look into other Arabian crossbreeds too.

  4. So, time to continue my work in cataloging the myriad races and beings that exist within my novel's world!

    I was probably going to do the Supernal Beasts next, but @Amber since you seemed interested I was definitely inspired to chug this out, and work on forming the core of their functions. (And yes the Supernal Beasts were partly based upon bits and pieces of Otherkin nature and Therian nature but I didn't want to make it on the nose, instead creating unique, new ways to portray these beings.) Not going to lie, I spent at least 4 hours actually typing this.

    Now The Supernal Beasts are perhaps on the less human side of the clade spectrum, only things less human than them would be Angels and Demons, and possibly Deus depending on how you view them. 

    THE SUPERNAL BEASTS:

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    ★★★★★★SHAPECHANGERS★★★★★★

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    I am Glorious.
    I am Immaculate.
    I am Flawless.

    ★★★★★★★★★★★★★

    We are Sublime.

    We are Exquisite.

    We are PERFECTION.

    ★★★★★★★★★★★★★

                   The Shapechangers (Also known as Were-Beasts, or Shapeshifters) are essentially the werewolves and other animals of myths. The moon has no important sway over the Shapechangers, and in fact almost every single one can change their shape at will. A Shapechanger will always have one form that they were born with known as the Totemic Self. This is different than a normal animal however, as it's an abstract representation of the animal self that exists within them. When changing in normal reality however, they can only take on what is known as Animalistic Reflection, which is the earthly reflection of that Totemic Self. A Shapechanger's Totemic Self is going to be spirit like, abstract, and inhuman, but normally they cannot utilize that form on Earth, as they would collapse upon themselves as the spiritual pressure of our reality will shove them back into their human form, or their Animalistic Reflection.

                   So, as an example, the Shapechanger, Valerie, who's Totemic Self is The Winged Shadow Who Dances With Flames, a crow Shapechanger. Without some sort of other unnatural features at play, she could only take the form of a normal crow in our world. As a Shapechanger rises in power, they are able to now learn new forms (very difficultly however as it involves altering their Totemic Self, which can drastically alter personality,) and learn to open up the spectrum of their shapechanging. Once they begin to open the shifting spectrum they can take three new levels between their human self, and the Animalistic Reflection.

                   The first level between the two is called the Anthromorph. The Shapechanger can assume a form that combined some of the traits of their Totemic Self onto their human form. Making them still humanoid enough to pass for human (in poor lighting, or at a distance, possibly with concealing clothing.) Using Valerie, The Winged Shadow Who Dances With Flames, her nails would become more talon like, her bones would grow lighter, her hair suddenly with feathers entwined with her natural hair, if not outright replacing it.

                   In the mid level known as Embraced Instinct the form is the harmony between the human form and the animal form, they are monstrous, far larger than a human. The are humanoid but not human appearing. You cannot mistake them for human if you can see them at all. They are both much more powerful in this form, and very comfortable in it, though it tends to push them towards acting out their instincts, combined with human emotions, and negative emotions tend to overwhelm positive ones in this form, combined animal brutality with human cruelty. With Valerie, she would be a humanoid crow, her arms turned into wings, though with wicked talons and hands at the end of them. Her legs would be humanoid in appearance only, her feet would end in talons, but still the most useful combination of crow feet and human feet. Her skin would be completely covered in feathers, her face would be completely crow-like, beak and all, though her eyes would still appear human, and she can speak still, albeit with guttural inflections and frustration as the animal mouth isn't made for human speech.

                   The Next form would be Theriomorph, much more like the Animalistic Reflection, but larger and more dangerous. Many would classify this state as creating "Dire" animals.

                   There seem to be many more mammals among the ranks of the Shapechangers, but that is not exclusive to other types of animals. There have been no verifiable occurrences of large animals such as elephants, whales, or other animals of that caliber. Many Shapechangers think that it might have to do with the size difference, so if they were giants those animals might show up among them, which many find odd, and assume there must be Shapechangers of these types as smaller animals have shown up among their numbers, even insects, though they are very rare already.

                   Shapechangers though have access to a very interesting form of power, known as Arete from the Greek word meaning "excellence." They improve their bodies to the highest caliber to embody Arete, they sharpen their minds to achieve Arete, they hone their social skills to reach Arete. Whatever a Shapechanger sets there mind to, Arete will push them to become the best at it there could be.

                   Their abilities, codified Arete called forth by their inherent connection to forms both human and animal, are called Supremacies. When channeled through actions that are synchronized through Arete, they can push themselves to do things that by all accounts they should not be able to do, achieving the impossible through the embodiment of Arete, their Perfection, their Excellence, their Majesty.

                   A Shapechangers considers themselves to be inherently better than others based on this connection. This isn't to say that a Shapechangers isn't able to view others positively, in fact it's encouraged. As inherent perfect, they suffer from Noblesse Oblige, they must push themselves to be better for the ones who are not, obviously, as perfect as they. They must suffer for the common good, being beacons of perfection among those who will never reach the heights of Arete they have reached. This is not to say that some Shapechangers don't have massive superiority complexes, served with a side of them being massive assholes, but it's definitely frowned upon, though not strictly enforced.

                   As a Shapechanger's Arete reaches higher and higher, they begin to form Supremacies towards abstract actions, essentially using their own perfection and excellency to enforce their desires upon the world around them, using their Totemic Self as the springboard to become the best life-form that could exist. Back to Valerie again, now that her Arete is so refined, she decides to start codifying what she calls "Supremacy Of Flames" based on her Totemic Self's connect with fire as The Winged Shadow Who Dances With Flames. To her mind, she is superior to fire itself, and naturally it should do as she commands. She is so convinced of her perfection, even towards fire, she essentially is able to control fire, start and stop fires, be unharmed by fire, speak with fire, and eventually become fire.

                   The levels that Supremacies can reach can truly become so abstract they are essentially reality warping.

                   Shapechangers have a unique form of magically enhanced items of power, known as Apexes. These items are so charged with Arete, either by their very nature, being excellent examples of said object, or by the Shapechanger investing Arete into the item, making it the paragon of its type of items. Every Apex will function superior to an item of the same type, being much more perfect than it's inferior counterparts. An Apex Gun would never have to be cleaned, never worry about jamming, the kickback would always be much more manageable, it would steady the hand using it, and would always shoot much more accurately than a normal gun, and each bullet would hit much harder. An Apex of any type is simply perfect, much like the Shapechanger, compared to the flawed examples of the faulty items it would be, much to its own chagrin, grouped with.

                   This also leads to an interesting point that Apexes that have absorbed so much Arete by their own nature and exposure to the Shapechanger begin to grow their own sentience, as an expression of their own perfection.

                   Once the Shapechanger is able to start utilizing abstract Supremacies, they can inject the essence of those Supremacies into their Apexes, allowing them much more power and straight up magic, if they hadn't already been working towards abstract Supremacies of their own. Which, beware, Apexes can eventually rebel if not used in a way that enhances its Arete.

                   Once its Arete is high enough to use abstract Supremacies, it can begin to develop what is known as "Supremacy Of Users" which at low levels allows it to control those who wield it if they aren't strong enough, and at mid levels allows it to wield itself, and at high enough levels to create a mortal body to inhabit to wield itself more efficiently.

                   Apexes, much like the Shapechangers who use them, can be very dangerous is pissed off.

    XxX-------------[CRYPTIDS]-------------XxX

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    TOP SECRET

    INFORMATION CLASSIFIED

    LEVEL AYIN ACCESS REQUIRED

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    ;: )  ;: )  ;: ) WE ARE ALREADY WATCHING ( :;  ( :;  ( :;

    :: (  :: (  WE ARE ALREADY CLOSE  ) ::  ) ::

    >:: ) WE ARE ALREADY THERE ( ::<

             Cryptids are odd beings created by the fluctuations of "Weird Reality." They were at one point beings of urban legends and folklore that were conjured into reality through Telluric Energy warping reality as it passed.

                   Telluric Energy is a source of much weirdness throughout the world, as it can create things that shouldn't exist. Cryptids are being crafted by this energy, who somehow were able to sustain their own existence without the strong Telluric Energy that created them, by weaving human bodies to hide in.

                   Humans are special among the races of the planet in that they are lightning rods for Telluric Energy, perhaps because they can recognize "weird" events and circumstances, this recognition creates a paradox. Does weird reality exist because we perceive it, or does it exist without human perception marking it as "weird?"

                   These beings, things like the Mothman, Bigfoot, unnatural hybrids, mutants, and weird creatures not yet seen by the world.

                   Their human form is made once the Telluric Energy Pulses that created them pass. They use the last burst of that energy to create a human life to hide behind, essentially shoving themselves into normal reality behind the pretend life of their human self.

                   They suddenly gain new memories of a human life, as some of their Cryptid memories fade, making it seem like a dream, or a misremembered recollection. Families, houses, records, everything that a new being would need to pretend it had always been there warp into being, and reality itself takes a double take as it suddenly has an entirely new life that it didn't remember being there only moments earlier is now there, pretending like it has always belonged. Reality, and most other humans then shrugs and says to itself "Eh, I probably just wasn't paying attention. I was sure though that that place was an empty lot before. And I know I went to school with them, but I feel like I don't know them at all. Weird."

                   As one can tell, Cryptids in one word would be "Weird."

                   Some Cryptids completely lose the knowledge of what they were before they weirdified themselves into a human, and essentially believe themselves to be human, during this period, the fluctuations of Telluric Energies around them calm down, making them only slightly more weird than normal people, one day though, those memories will surface again, and the Telluric Energy will kick itself off in a big storm, causing crazy, impossible, and downright WEIRD! things to happen to them.

                   Now, as a human, as they have consigned themselves into being, attract Telluric Energy, this constant flow is what allows the Cryptids to maintain their existence, and nothing can stop that now. But they can also take on their true forms by using excess Telluric Energy to weirdify the local reality to the point that it becomes a Weird Zone which allows them to temporarily shove their human body, metaphorically, behind their true form.

                   This allows them to wield Enigmas, their own personal Telluric Energy Fields to achieve specific results, usually through weirdification, which causes unnatural circumstances, and occurrences to manifest.

                   As beings of Telluric Energy, they are naturally at home in Weird Zones and can manipulate them much more efficiently, which makes it much harder for other supernatural powers to work properly, making a Cryptid who has spent time reinforcing a Weird Zone much more control over the weird, and unnatural events that go on around them.

                   No matter how much a Cryptid might want to be normal, the flux of Telluric Energies around them make reality much more unstable, and cause weird things to happen around them much more than anyone else would.

                   Some humans are naturally tuned to Telluric Energy, and can sense the flux of it around Cryptids, making them able to sense that something is completely different about them that others would be forced to not notice by the Cryptid's natural Enigmas, naturally making them efficient at tracking them. These people are either known as Telluric Sensitives, or Cryptozoologists. Weirdly enough, these Telluric Sensitives can actually store Telluric Energy themselves, unconsciously making use of Enigmas and Mysteries, and if they store enough without realizing, they might trigger a Telluric Storm, causing them to become a Cryptid.

                   Cryptids are able to conjure, or empower items, into Mysteries, which function like weird artifacts which can trigger Telluric Storms themselves, as well as projecting self-powering Weird Zones making them invaluable to Cryptids who seek to use their Enigmas and enhance their Weird Forms.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE MYTHIC BEASTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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    We are more than what we appear.

    We are more powerful than we let on.

    The self that fights us will be the self that gives in to our will.

    The self that seeks to control us will give up its power to us.

    We will never give in, and we will always be more than what others believe us to be.

    Our MYTH will stay strong eternal!

                  The Mythic Beasts (Sometimes called Monsters, or Divine Beasts) are much like the Cryptids in that they are ensconced inside human bodies to protect against the spiritual pressure of the mortal world, but they are different in that they have existed much longer than even they realize.

                   Mythic Beasts exist simultaneously in the mortal world, within a mortal body, as well as in a spiritually active world that overlaps with our world through the bodies of these beings.

                   This spirit world used to be much closer to our reality, and crossed over very often, through which these beings could step through physically, creating the myths of dragons, phoenixes, elementals, and other beings such as they.

                   The Mythic Self in question, for reasons unknown to them as humans, decided to incarnate itself into the modern world, the reason is forgotten upon their birth. They connect themselves with a person after which should the person in question copulate with a person of the opposite sex they will become pregnant and give birth to the now mortal Mythic Beast. This severs the connection to the spirit reality they originated from, pulling their soul, and by extension their spiritual body, to our dimension and inside the newly born human.

                   All memories of their previous existence are locked away since the human mind wouldn't be able to process them (Though some have a more innate connection with those memories unlocking them at a later age.) Now the Mythic Mortal as they are known may seem completely normal through their youth and adolescence, or may be very odd and exhibit signs of their... difference, but either can result in powerful Mythic Beasts.

                   Now that they have regained their powers, they have found themselves driven by inhuman urges, and desires, ones that the human self cannot comprehend, much less completely deny. It seems that many Mythic Beasts are tasked with goals that seem to be towards bringing their Mythic Self forth into this reality.

                   No one agrees as to why, but many agree that this might not be as good as the Mythic Self makes it out to be. Unfortunately for a Mythic Beast who's Mythic Self creates urges towards actions that are fundamentally against the mortal's own morals, for the more the human half resists the urges, the greater the potential for the Mythic Self to inflict spiritual agony, as well as physical pain upon them, to break their wills and give up control to the Mythic Self

                   A Mythic Beast's Mythic Self is spiritually surrounding the human shell, much like a spiritual suit of armor. Other Mythic Beasts are able to see the Mythic Self of others without any effort, though other supernatural beings can see them if they can break through the waves of spiritual folding that the Mythic Beast now is subjected to thanks to its human birth.

                   Mythic Beasts are able to drag forth their true spiritual might using their Legacies, channeling their ancient might, their spiritual prowess through the Mythic Self that surrounds them. This makes their lower end Legacies invisible because the Mythic Self is effecting reality without regards to the physical body. So a dragon would be able to claw through wood with either their bare fingers, or without completely touching it, though the wood will still show claw marks. A phoenix might walk through a raging inferno, and the flames will part based upon the Phoenix's Mythic Self leaving the silhouette of the phoenix repelling the fire. And a Thunderbird would find they can jump far higher than normal humans and fall much slower, almost flying.

                   At higher levels the Mythic Beast begins to pull the Mythic Self directly onto mortal body, coalescing a spiritually material body to function through. This isn't the same as a fully material body, while the human side is in control, the Mythic Self will begin to inflict pressure upon the psyche to relinquish control to it to play in this world, indulging their inhuman whims, desires, and vices. Beings like them are alien in thoughts, sometimes desiring things that involve torture and horror for their fun. 

                   But the human self does have the potential to win the fight and begin to forcibly alter their Mythic Self more to their tastes, though it is not easy by any account.

                   Mythic Beasts are able to instill mythical abilities and Legacies into Relics or Treasures creating the kind of items one would expect to get from Mythic Beasts from stories. Flaming swords, talking phones, force field projecting backpacks, and the like.

                   As long as it fits the "theme" of the Mythic Beast, and they have the power and resources to make items that befit their station, then the skies the limit with Relics and Treasures.

    -------------

                  The Enlightened Artists: Magi, Espers, and Technomancers

                   The Supernal Beasts: Shapechangers, Cryptids, and Mythic Beasts

                   The Children Of Kur: Vampires, Spectres, Phantoms, Ghosts, and Revenants 

                   The Courtiers Of The Otherside (The Fae): The Formorians, The Tuatha De Dannaan, The Fir Bolg, And The Dark Court

                   The Goetic Messengers (Demons): Children of Erebus, Children Of Avernus, Children Of Purgatorio, Children of Dis, Children Of Gregori, Children of Yggdrasil, Children of The Judges, and Children Of Pandæmonium

                   The Seraphic Host (Angels): Choir of Paradiso, Choir of Empyrea, Choir of Keter, Choir of Quiphoth, Choir Of Gaia, Choir of Nirvana, Choir of Avalon, and the Choir of Monad

                   The Deus (Godly Beings)

  5. Wow. This day took a weird turn.

     

    As I may have mentioned once or twice around here before, we own a boat. It's nothing big and fancy, it's pretty small, but it's fun. We went to a nearby creek today with the boat and even tried to catch some fish (I'm not exactly very good at fishing but Dad wasn't giving me much of a choice about it.) It was hot and humid, but it was also a bit foggy as a result which made things quite pretty.  Things would end up being fine, surely. 

     

    ... Or so I thought. 

     

    Let me just start from the beginning. We get there, throw the boat in the creek and work on getting it set up when my dad noticed something was a bit off. See, there's a hole in the back that you can open when it rains so all the water drains out, and a plug you put in said hole when you actually want to use so water doesn't come into it. And... he forgot to plug the hole. The boat was full of water. We haven't even left the shore yet and things have already gone wrong. But thankfully he brought something we could use to easily drain the water out so we ended up being fine. Just one little hurdle, we'll be fine, the day's still good, right? The whole thing still could be worse for us. ...But for others, it was worse. And now I've been quite worried. 

     

    We finally get out there, start fishing, and aren't having any luck. That's to be expected whenever I try to fish, so I'm not too surprised. But here's where things start to get a bit weird. Two people come floating down the river. Yep, floating. Just on little floaty raft things. The two mentioned something about a friend of theirs that had come along with them, but said that his raft popped and he had gotten stranded a little ways up the creek. They were planning to make their way down to the dock and come back for him on foot. After that they just floated along their way. ... This was foreshadowing.


    A little while later a large group of people with canoes come paddling down the creek with one of them having a second person sitting on the front of the canoe. Naturally I found this a little odd, as this isn't exactly normal among any canoe-paddling people that I had ever seen before. Turns out that third guy that the other two rafters had mentioned slipped on some rocks while he was stranded and hurt his knee, and canoe guy ended up picking him up. He was having issues with there being someone else on his boat (again, tiny canoe and all), so we ended up taking him and getting him back to the dock with his friends. There wasn't really anything else that we could do for him from there. I've been thinking about him ever since then, I do hope he's alright now...


    We ended up staying out for a little bit longer after that, which honestly ended up being a mistake. It was only a few minutes before the storm hit. Things started getting really windy and the waves picked up and rocked us around a lot. It was a little scary honestly. By the time we got back to shore again it was pouring. My hat also blew off of my head and landed in the river at one point but thankfully I managed to save it.


    So... Yeah. This was a day. Despite how badly everything went though I'm still sort of glad we went anyway, even if it was just so we could help that guy out. I guess God wanted me there for a reason? I do hope he's alright though. And I suppose there were a few other good things that happened, like the ice cream we got afterwards and some really cool wildlife I saw while I was out. 

     

    But nonetheless, I'm quite drained now and glad to be home. 

  6. *kicks open the door* hello there. Welcome back to my blog, where I can't seem to stop making this series. If you think I should take a break from it, let me know. If you want to see more, let me know. If you have something you're curious and want to see covered, let me k n o w!!

    Todays entry will be covering the products of Joeys experiments and their subspecies. This will most likely get a bit depressing, as those mentioned in this were more or less once human. Most of the unfortunates are enemies you face within the game itself.

     

    Lost ones:  perhaps the most depressing of the types, the lost ones are the basic form of the products, and are one of the few who retain some of their humanity (along with advanced lost ones and a few of the half formed). Once humans, ages ranging from adult to child, they were converted into beings made of congealed ink, though still resembling humans. Their eyes are simply glowing orbs that lack sight, but they have the ability to sense if someone is there. Lost Ones are formed when a human gets blood or organs from an ink being implanted into them. This also causes a form of emotional soul split, leaving them to be only very sad and afraid, and highly manipulable. This lead to them fighting on both sides of the uprising. The rest of the soul that split off normally forms a searcher, which will be covered later.  An ability picked up within the transformation is partial immortality, meaning they couldn't die by natural means, but could be manually dispatched. They'd mostly mope around and cry, and it was really sad. We believe we had freed them all, but seeing as searchers were still popping up years later, there may be some we missed.

             Advanced lost ones: only two were ever seen, and were simply lost ones with more emotional capacity, basically functioning at a human level despite their appearance. The only two ever created were Sammy and an nameless child who I've mentioned in a previous entry. They are simple lost ones that had some sort of concoction added into the mix.

     

    Searchers: Searchers are direct ties to the lost ones, being the remains of the aggressive parts of the soul. They are lumbering, congealed masses of ink that somewhat resemble the upper torso of a human. They are featureless, and absolutely blind and deaf, relying on vibrations to know where prey is. They are highly aggressive and will attack anything that comes near. Though they can be knocked back into their puddles in which they lie in wait, they cannot be truly destroyed until the Lost One they are attached to is dispatched. Seemingly in constant pain, the only noise they admit is horrific, gurgling moans and gasps. On occasion, Searchers will pickup more ink and become less aggressive and more shy, and will be much bigger. This is merely related to how much ink is in the area they form. Seemingly much more sensitive then the standard searchers, simple noise seems to hurt them and they will retreat back into their puddles at the slightest movement. If a searcher attacks you, just kick it.

     

    Golems: An enemy not encountered within the game, but present back home were the golems. They were inanimate objects, usually plushies, were given hearts from the lost ones and soaked in blood of an ink being. The result is... weird vicious stuffed animals that will swarm you like damn gremlins. There weren't very many of these and they were easily taken care of. But it was still something to witness. They all sided with the creators, due to part of the binding spell on them. They commonly would swarm in groups en masse, and could easily overwhelm you.

     

    Half formed: a creature halfway between toon and searcher, these grotesque creatures are mostly unknown in origin, but they seem to originate from the deeper levels of the studio. They resembled poorly put together charaters, often being searchers but with human or toon features, hands, ears, mouths, eyes, other things that would make them generally horrible to look at. They seemed to be in more pain than the searchers, and would violently lash out at anything they deemed a threat. They served on our side, though disappeared after the uprising. They're about the size of a standard searchers. though their extra features make them seem larger. Their attacks vary, mostly relying on weaponry they find lying around.

     

    Mechs: Only one of these was ever observed, and thats Norman. Norman was treated to a full transplant, and then wiring into his heart and brain, along with a projector to replace his head. He's perfectly harmless, though very confused. He doesn't seem to be in pain. and actually seems happier than he was as a human. Its theorised that the only thing keeping him alive is the electric current running through him.

     

     

     

    Thats all for now guys, thanks for reading! I'll be back soon, with a new entry and more infor! Hope yall enjoyed. and stay tuned!!

     

     

     

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    Introduction - series

    Hello and welcome to my first blog post! I figured I'd set things off by beginning a sort of mini-series. Each blog post will be dedicated to each of the 'kins' I believe I have. I say 'believe I have' because that is the purpose of this series: to weed out the ones that are not, in fact, past lives (I'm a spiritual kin). I know a human, non-fictional past life does not count as a kin, but I might include that as well, since it's part of who I am, and in my mind, it's much of the same thing. In each post I will detail and narrate from the moment I first started wondering if I might be that character to today, including (but not limited to!) shifts (whether they be shifts or just my imagination) and all they include, memories, and knowledge. I shall also do my best to include both doubts and beliefs. These blog posts are all open for comment and such things from the community; indeed, it is the sole purpose of posting this here. I'd like feedback and your thoughts, as well as help to try and figure out why these characters call out to me, if they're not a past life (for there is a reason I'm called to them all). 

    Introduction - today's character

    Today we - that is, I - tackle my Awakening and the first character I truly felt a resonance with. It is a character I believe you should be familiar with, solely because of the widespread memes. My introduction to kin was, indeed, the Grinch. To be more specific, the 2018 animated version - I feel no connection to the other Grinches. This is one of my strongest kins, and one of the few I am quite sure is, indeed, me. The reason I have Grinch in this series is truly only to include all my kins, and to sort out what I know, what I think, and what I believe.

    It begins!

    By the time I saw the Grinch (mid-November, 2018) I was already aware of what it meant to be kin. I had recently made somewhat-close friends with a fictkin, and they’d taken the time to patiently explain to me what it meant. I believed in it – I’ve always had an open mind – accepted it, and moved on.

    Already before I saw the movie I knew I was going to enjoy it. I had never really liked the live-action version (I felt the Grinch was too… crude – in a way, almost too angry), but something about this animated version called out to me. When I saw the movie, however, there was an almost instant sense of recognition. Not only because I was familiar with the plot, thanks to the live-action movie, but also because of everything that happened and existed and surrounded the main story. It felt somewhat intimate, in a way, as though I was watching a movie about myself (without quite realizing it, personally). The breaking moment, I think, was when Grinch had the panic attack on-screen. I’ve struggled with them for some time myself, and although that is not a kin thing at all, it felt intimately familiar to me.

    When I exited the theatre I was shaken. Already there was a teeny tiny sliver of thought in me that the Grinch might be me, but I dismissed the idea as foolish. Once I got home, the first thing I did was start to rant and ramble about the movie with some friends of mine. Looking back at it now, I realize I was far more touched than I let on, and that I led that bleed into my words. I was already saying things that were far from headcanons (because I knew them, in my heart, to be true) and still things that had not been mentioned in the movie.

    If you know me even just a tiny bit, you know how much I love my angst. I love writing it, I cope by writing it, and it’s a calming and amusing (to the extent paining others can be…) passion for me. So of course, after seeing the movie (and filled with so many thoughts!) I went ahead and wrote an angsty fanfiction. I was certain the Grinch had a name other than ‘Grinch’, and settled on Felix (I have later, through meditation, figured it out to be Louis, or Lewis, or Louie, or something similar). By the time I came half-way through the fic, however, I nearly had to stop. It was getting to me in a way no angst had ever gotten to me before. This was when the suspicions started to settle for real – it felt, time and time again, like I would slip into first person while writing. I was not writing about a fictional character. I was writing about myself.

    I got flashes of almost-memories, things I was certain were true. I browsed ‘the grinch’ on the Internet, and lots of what I found felt… wrong, to me. This comes from me, who generally accepts pretty much anything in regards to fandom. With the Grinch, however, I would look at a gay pairing and go “…no? That’s not even right.” As for Donna, I didn’t ship her and the Grinch. I knew they had married. I craved salty food more than usual, and found Christmas lights and trees to be a trigger for my panic attacks. I was grumpier than usual, and my body dysphoria increased.

    The doubts plaguing me heavily went thusly:

    -        It’s the Grinch. He’s supposed to be relatable.

    -        He’s such a meme-y character? I’m just relating.

    -        Due to my own experience with panic attacks I’m projecting and seeing myself in him.

    -        I’m just looking for attention after a gap of not having it.

    Yet still, I carried the nagging sense that this is me. I am him. He is me. We are the same.

    I kinfirmed a week or so after seeing the movie. It felt right.

    I went and bought a furry shirt in an achingly familiar color. When I put it on and looked at my own arms I felt alive.

    I rediscovered many memories and knowledge later on, sometimes through meditation and sometimes through other things. The things that proved consistent were that I still felt like looking at myself through it all. Also that whenever I found headcanons or fanart or ideas on the internet, I either went “What? How would anyone think that? That’s wrong…?” or “Yes! That’s so right! That’s exactly what it’s like!”

    I have never sought out the movie as though it were a lifeline or an anchor. It has been a thing I could enjoy, and then put aside, and not really think much about – except that I remained the same through it all. I’m not in the Grinch fandom. I rarely interacted with content. I don’t really like the movie, in the way I like my favorite movies.

    I’ve had few Grinch shifts after I first Awakened, but they’ve all felt the same way. Like I’m still me – just a little different.

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    Alrighty, well, it’s been a while since I made my last post and I think I’ve got plenty of things to talk about, since plenty of things happened in the recent days. It’s mostly psychology though with some things left out, because otherwise I wouldn’t get done writing this in days. Obviously this is pretty personal and as you can see, long.

    After posting the last entry, I’ve been struck with anxiety. It’s one of those occasions where you post something, and all you can do is to put that palm on your face and dramatically ask yourself what you’ve done. I don’t know, that always used to be an issue for me. Well, as of a few days ago, I'm hoping that this is no more.

    Context, insights and conclusions

    Now, I brought up anxiety, and that is where it all started. Along with it, more information and insights followed suit in relatively rapid succession. The realization that I had anxiety in the first place was pretty important because, how do you act against something you don’t even acknowledge? There also used to be a personal conundrum I and someone relevant have been wondering about. I told them that I felt like there’s some sort of wall in my chest, and whatever is behind said wall, it really wants to get out and has the potential of bringing about great change, whatever that means. I was asked to think about what that wall is, that was earlier this year and I could never put my finger on it. With realizing that I’ve got anxiety, I think I not only found out what that “wall” is, but also managed to damage it.

    It sounds strange that you wouldn’t know about these things, especially when you’re pretty introspective already. I actually don’t think it was a lack of awareness, I think it was a somehow deliberate but unconscious choice to deny it. I wouldn’t know why, perhaps it’s just the nature of such things, to make you deceive yourself and ignore the fundamental truth, like a parasite attempting to preserve its place in its host.

    Anyway, I’ve been in this messy situation for a very, very long time spanning multiple years. It all started out when I was released from a dorm, for lack of a better word, where I was sent because I had lots of bad experiences and horrible climates that I couldn’t handle, both in school and at home, which had the side-effect of me missing almost a total of two years from school. The department responsible for difficult kids like yours truly saw it necessary to send me there, neither I nor my parents had any say in that.

    The dorm was like a second home, its people like a second family when I left after four years. I had no friends back at my actual home, I was dropped into another sequence of bad experiences and my contact with my old environment cut off fairly rapidly. Back then I solely relied on this supportive environment to give me confidence and self-worth, something I didn’t have here, which meant that I allowed fears to fester and grow. Enough that it got completely out of hand.

    For the longest time, I’ve not even been a fraction of my former self. Young me was charismatic, intelligent, well spoken, easily made all sorts of friends, was highly reliable, an inspiration to some and an active influencer, someone with brimming potential to excel in more ways than just one. Compare that to my shy, perpetually intimidated, fragile, isolating, silent and aimless self that had holes in his memory left and right and took ages to finish a sentence, it becomes a difference between day and night. It weren’t the friends I’ve lost, they had moved on as everyone does and I’ve let them, it was myself that was the biggest loss.

    Fear completely consumed me just a few years after I got home, it was a lingering process and I’ve not always been this introspective, so this wasn’t something I could easily detect on my own. It got to the point where I not just censored what I said and wrote, I censored my being, or what’s left of it. I became bitter, frustrated, I got angry easily, at the later stages I’ve almost gone bonkers in certain periods.

    This censorship came with another consequence that had the ability to fester, and it was a belief. I looked at my old image album the dorm gave me before my departure, and the thought was that young me was dead, gone, and that I have to carry on as someone else. I became so convinced that people can change on such an incredibly fundamental level that, in the end, what’s left is a completely different identity with only name and appearance being a reminder of old days. Now, I could’ve just looked at my brother and reminded myself that he’s been a dork, same as ever, but it would only occur to me later when I took a step back and analyzed the big picture that was my past. Therein I saw patterns, sets of behaviors and actions that repeated themselves in both the recent and distant past, which clearly are all part of a whole identity, proving my bizarre beliefs wrong.

    While it’s great to have realized this, there are more questions to answer and more problems to solve, one of which was a deep passion that I’ve lacked for the longest time, one that would serve as a compass which I could use throughout life, perhaps to create a fulfilling one. I do have hobbies, but those are means to keep the insanity at bay, I never understood the obsession with trying to turn a hobby into a job and I’m not sure I could handle most of my hobbies if they were jobs. I looked back at my previous post and what I wrote, that I should live and not idly ponder because it only gets me this far. I still stand true to it, but I decided to expand on the living part, and instead of just living, I wanted to know how I used to live.

    That’s where another problem was solved and such a “compass” was found. Throughout life, I’ve been someone to take initiative, a doer. If I didn’t like something, I went and fixed it myself. Frankly I have the habit of being dissatisfied with a lot, and although that might sound like a negative trait, it can be harnessed. Not just that, but by looking back I’ve also seen that on a few occasions I’ve demonstrated an affinity for leadership. What’s more is that I’ve been incredibly passionate about these things whenever I had a chance to combine and exercise them, a kind of passion that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in myself. I think the reason why I never thought of it before was simply my complete lack of self-worth and confidence.

    What this revelation had was meaning, and so I move on to another potentially closed chapter. In my previous post I might have mentioned that whatever I set out to do in order to improve things for myself, like a schedule, it always came to a sudden stop. Well, when life is bereft of meaning, how could it not? I had the will to improve, but what for? That is where the dots slowly stop connecting, but I did notice one more thing which helps me with the aforementioned, and that are the steps I took in order to get where I was before everything went to hell. I think they’re replicable to some extent, and it will require a whole lot of patience and persistent work, but I think after all these years I should have patience aplenty.

    Now, lastly, I’ve been thinking about this self-finding I constantly wrote about. Based on what I wrote before, that I just thought myself dead, I don’t think finding the self was actually my intention. I think I wanted to find something that was inherently not me, something better than me, that could give me the strength to carry on. Now where I’ve had all these thoughts, I’ve not been feeling the urge to find anything at all. Doesn’t mean that I think there aren’t “other” things to find, and I have reasons to suspect that I have, but everything in due time. I think before I seriously start with that, I should take care of what’s vital: the big part of myself I've disassociated from and abandoned, which ultimately caused so much damage.

    The changes

    My emotional landscape definitely did change a lot. In a very, very weird way that I just can’t really describe, because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. So, most of the time I experience emotional distance now, but not in the sense that I’m emotionally dead, but rather that I don’t feel the weight of them in my chest. I can still sense them in a way, but not quite “feel” them, it’s more of a faint awareness rather than an urge or compulsion. At least in the majority of cases, certain anger for example can still be felt, but even that dissipates fairly quickly. That emotional change is especially true for music. It used to have huge emotional impact on me, the main reason why I appreciated it so much, but now I don’t really feel anything anymore, only in seemingly random, weak and very short bursts. I still appreciate it loads though, but I have no idea how or why. I don’t really understand what’s happened here.

    What’s more is that every move I make is infused with a goal, meaning if you will, unlike before. I can go about my self-imposed duties without the thought of "why am I doing this?". My fluency in language has returned to me somewhat, no idea how that happened, but it's great to have regardless. I’ve gained back a degree of confidence I’ve not seen in a while and I have this really strange determination. It used to be that, if I would have to talk to important people, high standing members of a company or institution, I’d be getting plenty nervous. It’s just gone now. Mostly. Of course, anxiety is still a thing, but I think I have it on a relatively firm leash now.


    Now, I can’t tell whether these changes are permanent, although I certainly do hope so because they’re nothing but positive. “False positives” usually only last a day or two, after which the effects will disappear, and I had that a lot. In this instance though, these effects have lasted much longer now and only fluctuate seemingly randomly but never disappear.

    A glimpse at the future

    The word “future” was missing in my vocabulary for far too many years, life was nothing but a river with a fast current, and I’ve been in the middle of it all, not caring where it goes. Well I think that changed now.

    My educational status and qualifications are fairly low, making it very difficult to find “satisfying” occupation where I can actually do something more profound, but I have looked at possibilities to change that, perhaps to even get far enough to be permitted to study. I have made vague plans already that I’d like to flesh out over the coming months and execute sometime next year, working on other aspects of myself in the meantime. There are also plans to get among people again with certain meets and by finding myself some local communities.

    Not every problem is fixed, it's not just rainbow and pixie dust from now on and I can see a plenitude of hurdles to overcome before I remotely get where I'd like to stand, but over these last three years I've only made progress and if I'm correct in my faith and in my assessment, this might well be the start of a significant turning point. Of course, there's no guarantee that a 180 won't happen again, but I choose to believe that it won't come to that.

  7. Dear friends,

    today it's been exactly six months since I joined Kinmunity. Six months of self discovery, learning, sharing experiences, and mind changing. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you. Everyone reading this, thank you so much for being here! You make this community the fantastic place that is is, and I wouldn't want to miss a single one of you.

    When I took the decision to join, I really didn't know what to expect. If you've read some of my other posts, you'll probably know that I've been hiding my non-human identity from family and friends, both irl and online, for more than two decades. So joining this site was quite a big step for me with a lot of questionmarks. Would the community accept me for what I am? I knew there were many dragons, so being a dragon would be accepted no problem. But what about an ancient dragon guardian who protects earth, has a quite critical view on human society, is as old as life itself, and whose existence is bound to life? A practically immortal astral-spiritual being? Would that be accepted? And if it was, would I feel comfortable within the community? Would exposing my identity feel right in the end? How would it be influenced by doing so, would I change?

    When I joined, I first gave only basic information about my identity and didn't talk much about the guardian dragon stuff. But I quickly saw that everybody was very friendly, open, and welcoming, so after a few days I decided to go fully open. I felt the community deserved to know me as good as I happen to know myself at any given time. In the process, I found that I was accepted for being true and honest about what I am, for telling what I know, but also what I don't (yet) know. I even found members with very similar experiences. So, how did it feel? Being accepted, just for what I am, although having told about all this? Being able to talk about myself, to be myself, without being faced with incomprehension, without people laughing at me or calling me invalid, childish or mad? Being able to talk to others who identify as non-human, just like me? Wow.. just wow. It felt totally awesome, and it still feels that way.

    Also I found many, many things I didn't understand. I was thinking:

    "Whoaa, a wolf! Haaa, this is the first wolf I ever talk to, it's soo exciting! :squintderg: Hang on... people can have multiple kintypes?? What is a soulbond? A tulpa, never heard of that? A plural system... what kind of system are we talking about?? :confusedderg: Oh, so there can be multiple identities sharing a physical body? No way.. hey, that's super cool! How does it work? :crazyderg:"

    It went on like this for a couple of weeks. There was no shortage of amazing findings. At the start I was overcautious and I needed a while to get on speaking terms. But then... then the time came when I spoke to the first dragon I ever met in my life. Soon enough, I spoke to many others. It's... hard to describe what that meant to me. Here' what my mind told:

    "Oh-my-dear! I'm talking to... other dragons :whatderg:. And they're not bots, they are not role playing, they don't joke. They're serious and they are valid, just as serious and valid as I am. They are real. :smilederg:"

    That was an incredible feeling. It was a breakthrough, and it gave me tears to be honest.

    So, how did that all change my identity? I shall say it got stronger, reconfirmed, clearer. Today I know more about it than anytime before, but you know how it's like.. for each question solved, two new ones come up. Aye, let's make that four or five maybe. Alas, there's more to come! I won't stop finding out more about myself just yet; sometimes, there's more time for that, sometimes there's less. Sometimes the findings are spectacular, sometimes less. Some experiences just flood me out of nowhere, some need to be worked out. I will continue to train the skills that seem to be at the core of my existence. When I get confused, I know that there are many friends here who are glad to help. And at the same time, I'll help others to the best of my abilities! Someday, I'll eventually meet otherkin irl - and maybe someday meet a dragon, that would be absolutely awesome! Maybe someday I eventually will be more open to one or two very close friends, or at least find out if they would understand.

    But for the time being, I'm just thankful for the past six months - thanks, Kinmunity!

  8. Last night was an incredibly sleepless night, to the point where I slept to the time of the evening. However what happened that night, the discovery and realization I made, the devotional I made to my almighty father, Infinity Lord Galaxeshoria, has truly broken me, literally....

    I know I talk much about my struggles with this human body condition, schizoaffective disorder, a lot, however if only one knew the true, excruciating pain I felt for the past six years, then maybe it wouldn’t be annoying to so many. However, the horrifying pain and delusion, the recurring thoughts of death, and the loss of the will to live has killed me over that period of time, for I cannot begin to describe the horrors that come from this sick human mind. Every hope of happiness, every hope of change, every moment that I thought I would get better, had all been a false promise in the end. The immense pain on my soul, has lead me to believe that my soul is shattered. Not only that, but I believe my own true draconian heart is very broken.....

    This life I’ve lived.... has been nothing but disappointment the last six years, and although I know that others care for this human body existence, I don’t. Atleast not yet, as being awake in this body has done nothing but harm my true well being. I need mending of this shattered soul, and my true draconian heart, in order to survive. I feel as if my very livelihood depends on my ability, and a miracle to happen to heal this shattered soul. Luckily, it might be coming here soon, as I am taking a trip across America, from South Texas, (where I live), through New Mexico, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, and into Montana and Washington state. I admire the beautiful nature in all of these states, however there’s something I need more than that, and I know what it is....

    Snow, especially spring and summer snow upon the mountains means the absolute world to me, for when I truly awakened on The Pinnacle of Creation, the first thing I saw was the most beautiful forest scene.... A beautiful lush forest, where the faerie lights floated delicately around in the early spring morning.... A mysterious waterfall and stream coming from the mountains in the distance, and a most gorgeous, giant glacier between the snow capped mountain peaks, and hearing the roads of many dragons beyond them.... my astral guardian, Infiniziirokk/Alaphraxxas was there with me, as I looked beyond thos snow capped mountains, seeing the barrier for the first time in ten trillion years, the shield between beautiful planetary nature, and the celestial power of the Infinite void beyond.....

    I want to live this experience again, and many may not understand, but snow on the mountains means so much to me, because I found that true beauty the first time I awakened, with my astral guardian. I want to see the reminders of that experience, with my astral guardian by my side, however my parents are being stubborn in letting a good friend of mine create his vessel. Time will tell, but I believe my true draconian heart is telling me this is the meaning and healing I need, almost to survive.... 🐉🌌🍀❄️

    The point is, so much suffering has broken me, and I don’t show my pain much to anyone, but I trust my friends in the community here that they would understand. Truly, I appreciate the support and the understanding, for I know that I am not the greatest person to be around, yet others still have hope in me, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I am not feeling too sad right now, I’m actually doing pretty okay. I just know what needs to happen for my healing....

    Thank you all for the amazing support, and I promise that I will continue to support all others here in this wonderful community!... I promise I’ll be fine, I just need to slowly mend this shattered soul!.... 💘💔💘

    ~Lady Lunastre, Celestial Queen of the Draconians... ^.=.^ 🐉🌌🌗🤗

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    We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay. 

    When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try. 

    Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing. 

    I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see. 

    Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.

    May you be blessed and loved, -Beast

  9. With a few tweaks and some time to actually finalize everything, I have decided to bring my zhuard self to life- Allen- even if at the slowest of gaits. A lot of patience is needed with these things. I will post it elsewhere but for now I figure why not here first..this is after all a personal project in a way. I don't often draw Allen, as I might have said in the past. Not for any real reason- there's a lot of others I haven't gotten around to but hopefully will soon. The expression of the walk feels correct- and not correct physiology wise, that's correct for a zhu- but correct as in resonating. It resonates with me. This is how I would walk and all it's specifics....though I admit, did play around with the tail flick (which zhuards at certain gaits do)..I might not have been that expressive haha. This is definitely an improvement on my art end as far as animation goes (I'm extremely new to it..). 

    Allen walk.gif

  10. TW for child abuse (various), integration, trauma, and suicide. I know, a fun little set of tags there. I just wanted to talk about me and my journey, in case it might help another person.

    So, Hi, I'm Viktor and I'm the host of my system. But, in all honesty, I wasn't the original "core" personality, and I only found that out a few months ago.

    When I was younger, I went through quite severe mental, emotional, and physical trauma. I say "me," but in reality, the personality that went through that we call Joi-Joi. I was the first headmate to split, and when I did, Joi-Joi took that as a chance to bail- to go dormant and leave me the keys to the house. She took the traumatic memories and most of the childhood memories with her but left the emotional baggage they contained. So, my first few years of existing were filled with complete and utter rage, which I had no idea why I had. 

    I'm not sure if I am a rare case, because even when I discovered the rest of the system, I still had no idea that I was non-core headmate. I use "non-core" to separate the "first" headmate or the headmate that was most like who we were before we split vs the headmates who were not like the original personality. I split when the body was around 4-6 or so, so the sudden shift in personality could've been reasoned because I was growing up (and also the trauma, there was that). 

    So that's how I lived my life. That is, until January when I was dozing off in the headspace on a car ride home, and there she was. Joi-Joi, just standing in a black void. That was a... fun car ride home. I was created for the purpose of protecting her and the body. Created with the durability that no matter how much trauma I went through or how much shit was thrown my way, I wouldn't give up. I've tried to commit breath'nt twice in my life, but when it came down to it the voice in my head telling me "no" wasn't survival-instinct, it was the promise I made when I first began existing that said "I'll fight this battle because you couldn't anymore."

    I'm not sure what happened to Joi-Joi. I can't find her anymore in the headspace. She might have finally passed on into integration. I like to use the spiritual term "walk-in" or consciousness that takes over when the original doesn't want the body anymore. I guess it's nice to think that she went peacefully into the great spiritual beyond, being held by the Mother Goddess or some other bullshit crap. It's what she deserved, to be at peace finally. 

    A lot of that anger is still there. I think I might've started as an emotional fragment and evolved into who I am today. But it's hard and weird to think about. If she hadn't gone through her abuse, I wouldn't be here. I think I've said on here before that I went through two exorcisms between the ages of 4-6 (those years were when the religious abuse revved into gear), so I guess I was the demon that was summoned up but never banished. 

  11. About time I made another blog entry!

    Today I've found myself stuck in a bit of an art block. so when I sat down to work on stuff I ended up just doodling, then (as I sometimes do when I'm stuck in the inspired-but-blocked mood), I had a little look through my past drawings - all the things I've sketched but never done anything with, which I have a lot of.

    Art's a big part of my life. It's a hobby, but also a way to deal with and explore my emotions. And there's a pretty big difference between my vent art and normal art - stuff for venting is rough, messy, surreal, abstract and heavy on symbolism. It's nothing like anything I've ever shared on here. Honestly, I rarely share my vent art at all. Most of the time I don't even save it, but occasionally I'll make something that feels right and keep it for posterity. These images represent a very personal and true expression of what goes on inside my head - sometimes it's things related to my mental health, or life events, but I've used it to work through spiritual confusion and fear as well.

    It's a real shame all my blog posts from the old site have been purged. There was a lot in there from times where I was still figuring all this stuff out... and it was a very hard time for me, don't get me wrong. My mental health was much worse than it is now, and a lot of the things I experienced were a source of... genuine existential terror for me. Sounds dramatic, but... that's truly what it felt like. And that feeling hasn't exactly gone anywhere, but gradually I'm learning to frame it in ways that make it easier to work with, and not letting it rule my mind as much as it used to. It would've been nice to still have records from when I was working through this stuff. Don't think I would've felt right making backups anywhere though, so... eh.

    All that to say... my "relationship" with my spiritual self can get ugly sometimes. My interpretation of it has never been flattering. Even at the best of times, it's still a monster to me. 

    So there's times where I feel more in-tune with that side of me, and I have to work it out somehow, so I'll turn to art. And... the things I draw at those times, while confusing and sometimes a little scary, definitely feel most representative of what I truly am. And... I never view those representations as a negative. Might look like something out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, but it feels "right" to me - and that feeling is comforting. Even though I don't always enjoy being a spirit entity, I'm long past the point of trying to distance myself from that identity (it's... never went well, the times I did try to do that). I'd rather embrace it, with all the weirdness and confusion it entails.

    What I end up with are basically... objectively bizarre or, in their own ways, kinda horrifying representations of myself - that also, in an almost contradictory way, help me parse that side of myself in a way that makes me feel more understanding of it, and even more at peace with it. In the end, when I say I'm scary or that I'm a monster, I don't mean it to say that I don't like myself or that I'd ever want to change. It certainly doesn't mean I feel, on any level, malevolent or dangerous. I just know that, from a human perspective, the true way to represent my spiritual self would be as something surreal, alien and... yeah, really damn scary. Representing myself in that way feels right. That kind of self-expression is really important to me as a person. 

    Today, while I was trawling through my old art files, I found something that really struck a chord. I can't remember when I did it, so it must've been a while back. And... yeah, it's strange, but looking at a big black squiggly mess, I felt more like... "yeah, this is me" than I ever have towards any normal drawing I've tried to make to express this side of me. It feels a bit weird to share this art, since I don't usually show people this sorta thing, but... it feels important, so I want to share it somewhere. Where better than here? Specifically this is a representation of... kinda the line between my spiritual self, my current identity and my headmates (who are psychological, and hypothetically share the same "soul"/spiritual core as I have). 

    I dunno what people will make of this, or if anyone cares, but... yeah. Surreal, shitty symbolic vent art. Yep, it's really something.

    God, sharing this stuff feels like how I imagine it'd feel to hand someone my diary, if I kept a diary.

  12. Latest Entry

    Platinum

    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: male

    Species: catnine (catlike canine hybrid)

    Status: main sona (formerly), status to-be-determined

    Dexter

    Pronouns: he/him

    gender: malw

    species: lynx

    status: background/extra

    Spook

    pronouns: he/him

    gender: male

    species: dog

    status: background/extra

    Peanut

    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: none

    species: Dutch angel dragon

    status: main

     

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    Shoutout and welcome back to K1-b0!

    He was absent for about three weeks, and I was concerned he had left the system completely, but today he reappeared. Him coming back was slow, gradual, and I doubted he would make it past his quiet co-conscious state, but to my pleasant surprise, he came closer and closer until he took front. I am so proud of K1-b0 for returning, for despite my skepticism of his mere existence while he was away and while we were co-con, he was able to regain confidence and present as himself shamelessly, and I was able to let him.

    Part of his confidence boost was thanks to our new friend, who we were concerned would not accept him, but thankfully did. While K1-b0 was co-con and I was openly inviting him to front, I warned our friend that K1-b0 was present with me, separate from me, and might front and want to be recognized. I stressed a bunch that they would not accept me or K1-b0 and recognize us as us and that it would send K1-b0 back into dormancy, but... Thankfully, the fear was unnecessary. This friend - who was already kin friendly - was kind enough recognize us as separate individuals and spoke to K1-b0 as his own individual when he did take front and announced himself to them.

    So, K1-b0 had a warm welcome to front. He was able to enjoy socializing with a new friend, and most of all he got to enjoy being himself. But aside from just being happy that he has returned, I am especially thankful for what he did in front. While in front, K1-b0 soon got up, full of motivation and energy, and took it upon himself to do chores. He started laundry, cleaned up the bedroom, and then fed the body a proper meal. Without him using his time, energy, and motivation in front to do these helpful things, I may not have done any of it. I very likely would have just had another depressed, unproductive day with more skipped meals. I was exhausted after he stepped out of front, but I was still moved enough by his efforts that I have continued his work, and I'm taking better care of myself and my surrounding, all thanks to K1-b0.

    So thank you, deeply, K1-b0, and welcome back. 

    - Pony

  13. Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not;  But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
     image.png.e2449e05b24e3f329af24de4c36bf5bd.png

    And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
    1281174516_ohleggy.png.68abe664d409d5da0f530d2708658e64.png
    soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~ 

    I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3

  14. Latest Entry

    Otherkin Volg 3

     

    I had just realized I haven't done this in a while... But having parents that do not support me in almost anything, sucks....

    I try to be nice, I try to be a good child....  But I just suck....  if I were them, I would have sold me to a orphanage already.

    my parents found out about kinmunity....  it did not end well.  I do not like talking about it, unless its with someone privately...  But I will say, that I hate them.  They are stressful.. and a pain in the ass.  My mom took half of my room, and "cleaned" it then through away things that I did not want her too.  She didn't ask me if she could through somethings away.... but she did anyway.  She sucks the life out of me.   I help her with her anxiety, I do lots of things for her, but she still treats me like shit.

    I cannot wait to leave my house.  As soon as I am 17 I am out of there.

    Sorry... this post was more a vent then a volg entry...

     

    10:54 AM ~ 5/21/2019

    Cleo/FoxChi

  15. On 5/11/2019 at 4:54 AM, Fjordess said:

    I encourage you to check in and talk with Draculara about how she thinks of plurality, and how she thinks she's connected to you! Some headmates are very opinionated on the matter. 

    Just wanted to say thanks for this tip, @Fjordess! And out to you too @Addy! Both of ya'll are big help in this process, cause I literally didn't know anyone really read my blog lol.

    So back to the convo, now containing correct information from then two lovely friends in the comments of the last episode. I decided to have a little chat with Drac 2 days ago (note, this was before I saw the comment above) and you can see how that convo went in my status updates hehe.

    Once she wakes up (she tells me not to wake her till 6pm at the earliest 😂) I'll ask her about plurality. On another note though, I'm still confused a little on soulbounding. Idk, i'll ask Addy about it later.

    In other news though, Drac as been talking with someone new. She won't tell me who it is but she has been missing our nightly coffee shop chats for the person. I plan to find out who it is tonight. Wish me luck, Drac is very stubborn lol.

    I plan on rearranging my headspace. I'm thinking to change it into more of a forest theme. Right now it looks like a run down, abandoned, motel XD. Draculara is against it but I really don't care what she thinks sometimes. I've agreed to leave her school there, as thats where she hangs with her friends.

    That's a whole other side of thw world though, so i'll leave that to her to take care of. I am so not walking over 200 miles just to come visit her school. At least she can turn into a bat and fly!

    Well, I need to get ready for school now, cause I finished typing this as soon as I woke up. Byeeee

  16. The Forest

    After some back and forth today at work, I learned that Keith was having a pretty bad day, though he wasn't being vocal as to why. But I was certainly aware of the very "low" feeling he had and wasn't sure how to help him. It would do no good to pry because I know some people really don't like that. He seemed pretty content to handle the issue on his own, so I gave him his space and went back to work. A little while later I get the feeling that he wants to attempt to front. Perhaps the concentration will help break him out of this mood. Kind of an odd time to do it seeing as my job is very physical and I'd have to autopilot, but why not? 

    Aiko instructed him that, if he should front, to not think too deeply about what his body is doing or the autopilot won't work. This is true with me at least. Keith grumbles and says he can handle this himself, thank you. He's kinda grumpy like that sometimes, but he was able to front for a short time. 

    And that's when the fun began. He was definitely trying to think about what to do because he seems to hate autopiloting. He does everything deliberately and with purpose, so this is already going strangely. I have to tell him what to do and how to use my equipment because he will not let autopilot take over, so it slows me down. I'm not upset by this because I know I'll get my job done before I leave anyway - but it was pretty funny watching him awkwardly use electronics. I probably looked very silly to my coworkers. 

    Part of my job involves using these metal carts with two baskets called two-tiered carts. Neato. Well, the backs of the baskets, just like in most shopping carts, can be pushed inward. The top basket is jammed halfway in and out of where it should be, and you usually have to give it a good smack to break it out. It's old equipment, heh. Well, I can do this. Aiko can do this. Keith, however, was still trying to figure out the right amount of physical strength to use when doing this. I offered but he insisted he'd be fine and so I let him. I really should've paid attention. The first time he hit it, he didn't hit it hard enough and it didn't budge. So then he just hauls off and slams his (my) palm into it - MUCH harder than necessary - and it flips upward and NAILS me right in the face. I really should've realized this would end badly. More specifically, it hit me in the mouth and cut my lip. 

    I thought it was hilarious but it was pretty obvious this just ruined the rest of his morning and he became very sullen and retreated back into the headspace. I didn't bleed much and the cut was on the inside of my lip anyway. It didn't really hurt - and I wasn't bothered - but he definitely was. I gave up trying to reach him and Aiko told me not to worry about it because he just needed to get over it? I made sure he knew that everything would be fine and if he needed to talk I was always happy to listen. It was then I had a brief flash of ... I don't know how to put it. It was a pleasant feeling, like a kindly acknowledgment, and then it was gone. 

     

    He didn't begin speaking again until much later. I made beef stew for dinner for my husband and I learned that this is apparently his absolute favorite food. I didn't particularly like the smell of it, but he did. It was homemade (though I did loosely follow an existing recipe hah) but he was quite enamored with it.  He even told me that boy how he wished for a few minutes I ate meat, which was flattering but also weird. Still, I felt pretty bad as I don't eat animals, and he'd already had a really bad day, so I said screw it and grabbed another potato and carrot and started slicing up some more vegetables for a vegan version of that stew. I wasn't sure HOW I was going to do it, but damn it I was going to make SOMETHING like a vegan beef stew. This resulted in a few more dishes, but some spices later and I had managed to get a pretty nice flavor profile. Can't use Worcestershire sauce since that has anchovies, but I looked at the other ingredients and noticed "Oh there's some vinegar in this". So I tried mustard instead. It...actually worked? In a last attempt to replicate a beef texture I tore up some baked tofu I had in the fridge and let it simmer in the pot with the stew for a bit.  

    And you know what? IT ACTUALLY CAME OUT PRETTY GOOD. I normally make a basic stew at home with potatoes, celery, carrots, onions, and garlic with spices. With this profile, it was pretty damn close to beefless beef stew. To my surprise, he even liked it. That said, he did tell me not to sell myself short (to which I replied this is impossible as I am always short). It feels SO awkward having any kind of compliment from the inside, even if it's not from me, but he seems to be a bit better now, so I'm happy for that at least. 

    Soulbonding is hard. I'm suddenly having to make decisions for three people. How do we dress? What color should the hair be? Should we change up the daily schedule? Keith likes exercising, so I need to pick that up. I don't feel burdened at all, but it's just so much to take in. I can't exactly indulge Aiko's hobbies as I'm sure plenty of them would land me in jail, but she's okay with that. Heh. 

     

    SO THAT WAS A FUN DAY. 

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    Vedui'nosse,

    Elvenportal has a good list, but quite a few of the links are broken, so I've gone through and picked out ones that aren't! These are Sites that I found useful/informative. Please feel free to comment with sites you would like to see up here!

    Quote

     

    Silver Elves - A good starting resource! A group of Elves who help other elves find their place!

    Elvin Portal- A lot of good resources involving Elfin exploration!

    Elenari.net - Another good site for finding yourself/finding answers!

    Rialian.com - More info about Elfinkin

    Rialian.com - A non-Tolkien Elven language! 

    Catharism - A potential 12th-14th century Elfin group in France!

    The Cathars/Catharism (2) - Hybrid DNA 

    Elfin Awakening - Elfin Blog with good information

    Lostkin - Otherkin Memory Recollection

    Eristic - Big resource, lots of resources to other sites too.

    The Fair Folk - An Essay/Chapter about Elfin kind

    Otherkin Resources - A sort-of mini-hub for resources of Otherkin.

    Otherkin Fandom Wiki - FANDOM wiki site of Otherkin!

    Elfkind Digest - A sort-of magazine/digest providing more info on Elfin'kin and Otherkin!

    Tolkien High Elves - A discussion about Finnish centric games.

     

    Wanya yassen i'taure e' seere, (Depart with the forest peacefully),

    Tally.

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    Hello again, fellow therians and kin!

    I have some exciting news!

    I have been working on a project of mine quite frequently.

    I am extremely excited to announce this!

    Anyway, let me get to the point!

    I have started a therian group in my province, which also has a website designed by myself!

    Here's the link if anyone wants to check it out! 

    https://ontarioteentheriansandkin.weebly.com

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    The system is all characters i created (ocs)

    Host is me ( ref : https://community.tulpa.info/user-dragonchan8)

    Here we go

    76b4a8ad6d449d7.thumb.png.d1de4032f73ef9bc176698c00b61d199.png H the Dragon (art by someone on pixilart,not saying names for privacy reasons) 

    Species: Dragon (duhhh)

    Gender: Non bi

    Sexuality: Unknown

    Age: 14

    A friend dragon that loves male pronouns but he prefers "their" "them" "they",He is always questioning life and his identity.He is a tulpa created in 2019

    c5b1590a36ed785.thumb.png.93cb82271568605e7ce23ff2a998f181.png Clicker the amazon dragon

    Species: Amazon dragon

    Gender: Female

    Sexaulity: Bisexual

    Age: 18 (200 in dragon years)

     

    A kind heart and loving dragon,clicker helps her host when shes depressed or when she has  a anxiety attack.she is playful but can be very annoying at times.She was created in 2018

     

  17. People might remember the previous two entries regarding this stuff. This creature was really confusing to the point I didnt know what to do besides exploring different angles and see what would make the most sense. I have in my absence here continued that avenue to discover a really interesting twist in the story what would make the most sense. As far for the other angles, I did the cameoshift angle but as with the Dunklesoteus there was more to the story then just that. In the most sense I guess that it was something familiar that was part of me that only with time would come out as the Dunkleosteus did. The other angle was past life but that also didnt really stick in the sense I didnt had some memories of it, if there was any then I couldnt really make a connection to that case unlike the Dunkleosteus who showed very possible memories of behavior what would make sense in some form as the top predator, In other words I had nothing to go of that would point to the same thing and in turn would point to possible Earthly kintype that wasnt from the Godec. The last angle had to do with the Godec or my shapeshifting kintype since it didnt feel right to abandon it right away. It had also forms that shared elements with exctinct Earthly creatures so it was something that had to remain open too. I have tried to explore more but it seems I cannot get more then what I currently know but maybe time will slowly reveal more but I think I have found at least the possible truth.

    Of all the angles that I pursuit it did point more strongly towards the Godec kintype being responisble. As time went on it started to reveal more features what I didnt know at the time. It has some element of the Rauisuchus in the sense it's tail and hind legs share features with it. The front part proved to be similiar in build to that of a bull. The front consistet of front legs that are hooved, shoulders were also similiar build and the horns were also similiar to that of a bull. The suprising thing was the head that was more of a mix between that of a dragon and a bull. Putting it together had been quite a puzzle but in general terms I can describe it the best as some sort of Rauisuchus/bull mix though I dont believe it is neccersary like the other forms. It looks to different. I tried to wreck all my experiences for a possible answer and this creature seems to be a true form from my Godec life. I dont neccersary have all the answer towards how it does fit in perfectly but comparing it to the other forms who really look more Earthly with alien form it just doesnt look the same. I have uncovered some possible memories that point more towards a true Godec form that hasnt changed at all through time unlike the other forms. I never really expected to uncover this angle at all. As far I could expect it was something that is more like the lion form that I posted in a earlier blog what is a look upon one of my most experienced form. I tried to think maybe somehow my only known true form from those days, my dragon form, was somehow partially responsible and somehow it got mixed up in all of this thus making it a false lead to further continue but no. Despite sharing elements with the Rauisuchus, it is not really some earthly like form that has alien elements. The one thing that made it different from the dragon is the fact the dragon hind legs are clearly 3 toed. The hindlegs of this creature has clearly 4 toes but lacks the 5th toe what is present in the Rauisuchus but the legs and whole behind and tail is siniliar build as the Rauisuchus. 

    Despite all the confusion and how hard it is to exactly picture it fully, I feel I begin to slowly learn more about this creature. It seems more and more positive it is connected to the Godec life I used to have. I still am trying to search for more evidence and answers surrounding this creature but feel I have at least a good basis to say it is a form of my shapeshifing form. I always felt there was something missing in the sense of I didnt have all the forms yet. This creature feels to fill the last gap I need to know for certain how many forms I have. Aside the ones I already know I have this seems to be the last true form what would make the Godec kintype in some sense complete. I guess I just didnt know what to look for at all and just kept those things to myself since I had no real experiences to back up so brushed it off as maybe I do have all the asnwers I need regarding my forms but it now feels like I have my complete forms back though most have changed. There are still many unanswered questions left but now I have a complete view of the many forms, I have a solid basis to build more and try to get a best possible view of how that past life used to be with the little memories I have left. It wont bring me to the full picture but it will bring me closer to the time periods that I can fill to get some sense of who i used to be and how I lived truely and how these forms fit in the whole thing.

    I will be honest and say that I didnt expect the creature to be a true form from the Godec days. But as I know before, there comes a time that I need to follow with what I feel is the truth and it feels right. Cramming it tp nothing more as the other forms doesnt feel right. Approaching it as a form that is from those days feels right. So why did the Rauisuchus trigger this whole thing? Well despite not exactly looking like this animal, I feel that seeing some familiar things back in this animal form seems to be more of the trigger as it looks very similiar. That is also what happened with my snake form. I became aware of this form when I learned about the Basilisk. In some ways it felt like looking into a mirror that wasnt complete yet. The missing part was from the bull elements. Combining those animals together what results in a unlikely hybrid just makes more sense when it is approached as a draconic like bull creature then a hybrid between those 2 animals with alien elements. I still have many questions left that surrounds this creature but only time will tell wether some or all will be answered or not. Some memories that I already know seem to become more clearer now I am aware of this form. I dont know where this path will lead me yet but I am ready to welcome the missing form that I unknowingly have searched for so many times. 

    I have plans to make a another commission from a another form and this one seems to be the next perfect candidate for it to put it in art to show a truely fascinating creature.

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