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  1. Wow. This day took a weird turn.

     

    As I may have mentioned once or twice around here before, we own a boat. It's nothing big and fancy, it's pretty small, but it's fun. We went to a nearby creek today with the boat and even tried to catch some fish (I'm not exactly very good at fishing but Dad wasn't giving me much of a choice about it.) It was hot and humid, but it was also a bit foggy as a result which made things quite pretty.  Things would end up being fine, surely. 

     

    ... Or so I thought. 

     

    Let me just start from the beginning. We get there, throw the boat in the creek and work on getting it set up when my dad noticed something was a bit off. See, there's a hole in the back that you can open when it rains so all the water drains out, and a plug you put in said hole when you actually want to use so water doesn't come into it. And... he forgot to plug the hole. The boat was full of water. We haven't even left the shore yet and things have already gone wrong. But thankfully he brought something we could use to easily drain the water out so we ended up being fine. Just one little hurdle, we'll be fine, the day's still good, right? The whole thing still could be worse for us. ...But for others, it was worse. And now I've been quite worried. 

     

    We finally get out there, start fishing, and aren't having any luck. That's to be expected whenever I try to fish, so I'm not too surprised. But here's where things start to get a bit weird. Two people come floating down the river. Yep, floating. Just on little floaty raft things. The two mentioned something about a friend of theirs that had come along with them, but said that his raft popped and he had gotten stranded a little ways up the creek. They were planning to make their way down to the dock and come back for him on foot. After that they just floated along their way. ... This was foreshadowing.


    A little while later a large group of people with canoes come paddling down the creek with one of them having a second person sitting on the front of the canoe. Naturally I found this a little odd, as this isn't exactly normal among any canoe-paddling people that I had ever seen before. Turns out that third guy that the other two rafters had mentioned slipped on some rocks while he was stranded and hurt his knee, and canoe guy ended up picking him up. He was having issues with there being someone else on his boat (again, tiny canoe and all), so we ended up taking him and getting him back to the dock with his friends. There wasn't really anything else that we could do for him from there. I've been thinking about him ever since then, I do hope he's alright now...


    We ended up staying out for a little bit longer after that, which honestly ended up being a mistake. It was only a few minutes before the storm hit. Things started getting really windy and the waves picked up and rocked us around a lot. It was a little scary honestly. By the time we got back to shore again it was pouring. My hat also blew off of my head and landed in the river at one point but thankfully I managed to save it.


    So... Yeah. This was a day. Despite how badly everything went though I'm still sort of glad we went anyway, even if it was just so we could help that guy out. I guess God wanted me there for a reason? I do hope he's alright though. And I suppose there were a few other good things that happened, like the ice cream we got afterwards and some really cool wildlife I saw while I was out. 

     

    But nonetheless, I'm quite drained now and glad to be home. 

  2. Hello ladies and... ladies. Maybe Gents. Maybe not gents. Everyone here, reading, regardless of identity. Hello. Welcome back.

             It's been a while since I've talked about Henry in my blog. I think the last time was in episode one of this series, and thats a long time. Since then, there have been more developments regarding him, and me for that matter. This has lead to my feelings toward him being slightly more complex then before, and has given me more to think about and consider in the aspect of my own existence and purpose. That being said, this entry may not be very direct, and may have me questioning things within. Feel free to comment your thoughts and questions, and also vote on my content poll. With all that being said, sit back, get comfortable, and listen to my screeching.

     

    For those of you who aren't aware, it was recently discovered (though over an hour of logical speculation and questioning with a close friend) that Henry was actually my initial creator. This came as quite a surprise to me, though, through careful scanning of memories and examining him closer, the signs were there, despite being obscured by how he behaved around Joey. (you can read more on this in my speculation entry)

    These were simple things, of course, such as letting me watch him draw, helping me if I got stuck in the stairs, always seeming somehow proud when he looked at me, and so on. On top of this, he gave me his sketchbook and told me he was sorry he couldn't have done better for me before he died.

    So, what does this mean for me? I'm not sure. As I percieved my creation as accidental before, knowing it was done with meaning is odd. What was the meaning? Perhaps it was just to spite Joey, perhaps something else. Now, this is a bit distressing. What purpose would I have if I didn't even have my own name, or anything? It couldn't have been much, of course.

    Now, how do I feel about him? More confused than ever. Im sure he had reasons for not telling me, but I don't know how to feel that he didn't. I suppose I have to look at him as a father now, but I already consider Thomas my father. So, what? I have three dads now. I feel better towards Thomas, but I don't hate Henry, I defiantly like him more now, and have more respect from him

    I think the reason he acted as a father to Bendy instead of me because he couldn't be one to me. I think he did good, so I wonder how it would of been if he acted as my father.

    This all being mentioned, I wish to regain contact with Henry through some spiritual means. That way I could be sure of all this, and perhaps I'll even form a better bond with him. I do want to know how he's doing and whatnot. If his life became any better after he died.

     

     

    So, there we have it. A bunch of complex feelings and uncertainty. Where will this lead? I cannot be sure.

    Thank you all for reading, and I'll see you next time.

     

     

  3. TW for child abuse (various), integration, trauma, and suicide. I know, a fun little set of tags there. I just wanted to talk about me and my journey, in case it might help another person.

    So, Hi, I'm Viktor and I'm the host of my system. But, in all honesty, I wasn't the original "core" personality, and I only found that out a few months ago.

    When I was younger, I went through quite severe mental, emotional, and physical trauma. I say "me," but in reality, the personality that went through that we call Joi-Joi. I was the first headmate to split, and when I did, Joi-Joi took that as a chance to bail- to go dormant and leave me the keys to the house. She took the traumatic memories and most of the childhood memories with her but left the emotional baggage they contained. So, my first few years of existing were filled with complete and utter rage, which I had no idea why I had. 

    I'm not sure if I am a rare case, because even when I discovered the rest of the system, I still had no idea that I was non-core headmate. I use "non-core" to separate the "first" headmate or the headmate that was most like who we were before we split vs the headmates who were not like the original personality. I split when the body was around 4-6 or so, so the sudden shift in personality could've been reasoned because I was growing up (and also the trauma, there was that). 

    So that's how I lived my life. That is, until January when I was dozing off in the headspace on a car ride home, and there she was. Joi-Joi, just standing in a black void. That was a... fun car ride home. I was created for the purpose of protecting her and the body. Created with the durability that no matter how much trauma I went through or how much shit was thrown my way, I wouldn't give up. I've tried to commit breath'nt twice in my life, but when it came down to it the voice in my head telling me "no" wasn't survival-instinct, it was the promise I made when I first began existing that said "I'll fight this battle because you couldn't anymore."

    I'm not sure what happened to Joi-Joi. I can't find her anymore in the headspace. She might have finally passed on into integration. I like to use the spiritual term "walk-in" or consciousness that takes over when the original doesn't want the body anymore. I guess it's nice to think that she went peacefully into the great spiritual beyond, being held by the Mother Goddess or some other bullshit crap. It's what she deserved, to be at peace finally. 

    A lot of that anger is still there. I think I might've started as an emotional fragment and evolved into who I am today. But it's hard and weird to think about. If she hadn't gone through her abuse, I wouldn't be here. I think I've said on here before that I went through two exorcisms between the ages of 4-6 (those years were when the religious abuse revved into gear), so I guess I was the demon that was summoned up but never banished. 

  4. About time I made another blog entry!

    Today I've found myself stuck in a bit of an art block. so when I sat down to work on stuff I ended up just doodling, then (as I sometimes do when I'm stuck in the inspired-but-blocked mood), I had a little look through my past drawings - all the things I've sketched but never done anything with, which I have a lot of.

    Art's a big part of my life. It's a hobby, but also a way to deal with and explore my emotions. And there's a pretty big difference between my vent art and normal art - stuff for venting is rough, messy, surreal, abstract and heavy on symbolism. It's nothing like anything I've ever shared on here. Honestly, I rarely share my vent art at all. Most of the time I don't even save it, but occasionally I'll make something that feels right and keep it for posterity. These images represent a very personal and true expression of what goes on inside my head - sometimes it's things related to my mental health, or life events, but I've used it to work through spiritual confusion and fear as well.

    It's a real shame all my blog posts from the old site have been purged. There was a lot in there from times where I was still figuring all this stuff out... and it was a very hard time for me, don't get me wrong. My mental health was much worse than it is now, and a lot of the things I experienced were a source of... genuine existential terror for me. Sounds dramatic, but... that's truly what it felt like. And that feeling hasn't exactly gone anywhere, but gradually I'm learning to frame it in ways that make it easier to work with, and not letting it rule my mind as much as it used to. It would've been nice to still have records from when I was working through this stuff. Don't think I would've felt right making backups anywhere though, so... eh.

    All that to say... my "relationship" with my spiritual self can get ugly sometimes. My interpretation of it has never been flattering. Even at the best of times, it's still a monster to me. 

    So there's times where I feel more in-tune with that side of me, and I have to work it out somehow, so I'll turn to art. And... the things I draw at those times, while confusing and sometimes a little scary, definitely feel most representative of what I truly am. And... I never view those representations as a negative. Might look like something out of a Lovecraftian nightmare, but it feels "right" to me - and that feeling is comforting. Even though I don't always enjoy being a spirit entity, I'm long past the point of trying to distance myself from that identity (it's... never went well, the times I did try to do that). I'd rather embrace it, with all the weirdness and confusion it entails.

    What I end up with are basically... objectively bizarre or, in their own ways, kinda horrifying representations of myself - that also, in an almost contradictory way, help me parse that side of myself in a way that makes me feel more understanding of it, and even more at peace with it. In the end, when I say I'm scary or that I'm a monster, I don't mean it to say that I don't like myself or that I'd ever want to change. It certainly doesn't mean I feel, on any level, malevolent or dangerous. I just know that, from a human perspective, the true way to represent my spiritual self would be as something surreal, alien and... yeah, really damn scary. Representing myself in that way feels right. That kind of self-expression is really important to me as a person. 

    Today, while I was trawling through my old art files, I found something that really struck a chord. I can't remember when I did it, so it must've been a while back. And... yeah, it's strange, but looking at a big black squiggly mess, I felt more like... "yeah, this is me" than I ever have towards any normal drawing I've tried to make to express this side of me. It feels a bit weird to share this art, since I don't usually show people this sorta thing, but... it feels important, so I want to share it somewhere. Where better than here? Specifically this is a representation of... kinda the line between my spiritual self, my current identity and my headmates (who are psychological, and hypothetically share the same "soul"/spiritual core as I have). 

    I dunno what people will make of this, or if anyone cares, but... yeah. Surreal, shitty symbolic vent art. Yep, it's really something.

    God, sharing this stuff feels like how I imagine it'd feel to hand someone my diary, if I kept a diary.

  5. Something we’ve never done, is to put all of these ‘memories’, all of these flashes of what might be, together publicly. I am not naturally open, I do not trust others with my innermost thoughts, I see no point when so many are crude in their attempts at understanding and carelessly tread upon what is held dear to myself. Both this life and within DL has taught me as to other’s disregard of my emotions and innermost thoughts. Ultimately people do not care to a standard I recognise as 'care’, perhaps as a result of my own high expectations.

    But, I will not digress further. What I am about to put to words is what I 'know’… regardless of how unreliable such an experience can be. The malleable nature of the mind is at times dreadfully inconvenient, and does leave me on the edge of true acceptance. So, with that in mind, we shall begin.

    Childhood

    I was born as Karlheinz and Beatrix’s second child and lived my childhood within one of father’s castles, and though I struggle to remember it, originally Beatrix did have some interest in my welfare. It was however before I passed my second or third year that things began to deteriorate.
    Cordelia’s antagonising of mother had started before I was born, and the initial stages of care was more from her natural feelings of obligation rather than a relaxed form of 'love’, but, I’m not one to talk of such things, as I don’t believe I ever saw her as she might have once been before my conception.

    Sakamaki.Reiji_full.1691455.jpg.04a7da7b72506bdaba91290e80b99517.jpgThe transition away from mother’s care was gradual, where more and more times I would be kept under watch by the maids within the castle. I did attempt to garter some concept of 'love’ or care beyond duty from them also, but they were always resistant, and before I turned 6 I was already closing up. I had been told quite often what and who I was, and through that I justified my existence, for, to consider the thought of being 'unwanted’ was far too unpleasant to dwell upon.
    I was a vampire prince, I could one day take my father’s position - At least, that’s what the maids told me. Mother would speak similarly, but with her own twist on the latter, “You shall one day serve your brother as his advisory.” or such similar dismissals of my own capabilities.

    Though her constant rejection of myself, I ran through many different theories or ideas as to why this might be. One point was my eyes. Though there are many who argue about it within this 'fandom’, I can not see clearly without my glasses. My eyesight is not abysmal without them, but it is certainly weak enough to require them. This, for a vampire is rather a sign of weakness. If I’d been born into any position other than the one I was, I’d likely have been subjected to rather more in the way of mocking comments or teasing jabs. Later on my half-siblings certainly wouldn’t refrain from such comments, though it was quickly lessened through my own 'encouragement’ for them to stop.

    I developed a strong interest in the sciences, particularly chemistry, an interest that later developed into cooking also, though this is 68320171_p24_master1200.thumb.jpg.96db570b3be340fac1f78140fd84a29b.jpgwhere some minor motions away from the 'canon’ do start to seep in. Cooking never became a 'passion’ of mine, it was simply an extension of chemistry for me. I was doing it at father’s behest; I did it because I was told to, it was simply a bonus that I found it mildly interesting for it’s more technical side. My cooking would also tend to be a fair sight more 'interesting’ for quite a time.

    I experimented while younger, it’s what young minds do best. The Demon World doesn’t have plants like the Human World does, but it does have quite the wide array of poisonous plants, toxic and venomous animals and various other, sometimes magical, components for alchemy. I certainly didn’t shy from trying everything I could get my hands on, as I was left to my own devices a majority of the time. Classes were not regularly scheduled for me as they were for Shu, so I had rather a lot of free time to explore.
    The area around the castle was vast, with a dark forest that usually we as children wouldn’t have been allowed to enter. I’d collect herbs or other ingredients there and quickly run back to 'play’ with them. I enjoyed this 'work’ so much, but what I really wanted was to show my work. I didn’t like to admit it, but I was often at times lonely for recognition. Companionship I was relatively content without at that age, I enjoyed what I did and that was all I needed. Books, potions and the freedom to explore those freely.

    Abilities

    Something else that certainly isn’t covered at all within the writings of DL was our abilities. These I did attend sessions with Shu for, though they did little but to further embed the feeling of inferiority. Vampire children, specially those born with our blood would be taught very quickly to learn the use of their abilities.

    Some individuals would be better in some areas that others, but for a list of them all it isn’t much different to what it canonly understood:

    • Teleportation
    • Hypnosis
    • Flight
    • Transformation
    • Familiar Summoning & Control
    • Energy Perception

    Along with also natural traits we were born with being above that of humans, being physical strength, physical durability, healing, sight (if you weren’t me), hearing and energy perception.

    Energy Perception, for a little elaboration is essentially the ability to feel the presence of others. With training yours could be lessened and you could detect others more easily. It’s rather similar to the concept of auras or empathic reading that persons here can train themselves to do - or be born with a natural gift to be able to easily. It’s the same concept.

    Bat Forms

    I remember the lessons with Shu in particular regarding our transformations into our bat form. For many families it is the sign of a child entering into adolescence, and the first time it is done to be seen as the blossoming of one’s vamprism. You could see it akin to a baby speaking their first word. Unfortunately Shu was able to transform before myself, and mother rather joyously praised him infront of us as he hung upside from her outstretched hand. It is not a pleasant memory, but rather few are.
    There are however two stages for us with pure blood. Where’s most vampires could change into a small bat form, usually for flying across larger distances, fitting into small locations, quick getaways or similar, we could also change into a much larger bat form. If you follow my blog here you may have seen them depicted a number of times.

    1204200399_BatbyInane-Cypher.png.c5e167ad0e754710c500e9e53f71477f.pngWhen a pure blood vampire learns how to change into that form is is more a sign of adulthood - Which leads me to clarify that the 'ages’ we have been assigned naturally do not reflect the actuality of our time spent alive. Age, as a concept works rather differently for us as vampires, but we’ll come back to this in a moment.
    I don’t recall when or how Shu learned to change into his larger form, I wasn’t there to bare witness. I actually don’t remember any of the others learning for the first time clearly, but we may reflect to see if we recall any in more detail with my younger siblings. I have a feeling Subaru might have done his by accident while in a fit of rage inside the mansion.
    My first time was outside, within the forest, isolated. So, if that is anything to go by, one might consider that the norm, and why I do not recall any other’s first times. However I do seem to remember Ayato appearing flying above the mansion yelling at everyone to look at him. I can only guess that was his first time, though we didn’t see the transformation it’s self.

    Generally speaking, we tended not to use our large forms. We had little need to, and they consumed a fair chunk of our energy to change into and to change back out of again. I know that I have seen all of my sibling’s forms at least once, along with mother’s, Karlheinz’s and Christa’s, but I don’t recall ever seeing Cordelia’s, which is why on the chart we made it is admittedly a guess, rather than done from memory.

    Dating Memories and Time

    Time is an incredibly hard thing to get down linearly when I was born in the castle in the Demon World yet later moved into the Human World. To my knowledge, time passes faster here in the Human World than it does in the Demon World, but if you were to move between them you wouldn’t notice any difference till your return back to your own world. Why do I believe this the case? There’s a tremendous amount of reasons, both originating from my own memories and also what is both stated, and implied in canon.

    The Fire

    The first time marker I have to go off of is when I discovered Shu slipping into the Human World through a gateway within the Demon World forest. I must have been the physical equivalent of around 7 at the time. The gateway lead to another forest in the Human World that eventually gave way to a small isolated town. I never visited myself, but I did catch myself 'human watching’ a few times, really just a chance to reaffirm to myself my own superiority. I never spoke to any humans, but the sun was bright and irritated so I often wouldn’t stay long.
    This eventually did lead to the rather infamous event of setting that small town ablaze. The reasons for this are complex, personal and would take us off topic to go into. So if curious, do go and read one of the wonderful character analysis some fans have written for me.

    I didn’t stay to watch the fire, though I wished I had. It was done at night after learning the time cycle between our worlds so that the time of day would be just right. There was a stables near the edge, and I crept in to undo the doors for all of the horses first before setting the barn alight. The large amount of straw there worked as a firestarter, and the wooden building it’s self enabled the flames to catch hold.
    Many of the buildings nearby were also comprised of mostly wood and/or thatched roofs, allowing the flames to spread and hop between buildings. As I fled I remember hearing a bell tolling as someone spotted the quickly expanding fire.

    tumblr_p9vdtgFBLL1x7ssjio4_1280.thumb.jpg.95b2f70aee03b5d6661aa49d86b6bfe8.jpg

    DL, if you might not be aware, takes many notes of it’s world’s history from this world’s. This can be seen the most with the Mukami’s and their background, but unfortunately their influence I feel is something that might have distorted the original timeline.
    It would get into an awful lot more off-topic conversation to elaborate more on my Fictional Life Theory, perception equating to actuality and the link between this world and that of DL through mental retention while this post is already dreadfully long. So for now I’ll still to my original memories and maybe at some other time return back to that of alternative timelines.
    Though upon saying that, due to the fact I didn’t stay to watch, I actually know very little about what happened thereafter. The little I remember is simply the building architecture and the surrounding area. All I could say for sure is that it was European in origin and likely 17th-18th Century.

    Returning to the Castle the next day I did hear many hushed whispers between the maids about the fire, and that, “Many humans died.” Though I believe that this may actually be an exaggeration now with the death toll only reaching 20 or so when I’d gone my entire life believing it was somewhere in the hundreds.

    The Castle

    tumblr_pebt1cI9Ei1s3jp91o1_1280.thumb.jpg.18c49d302e4e56d5817e0fca75f4e98a.jpgThe Castle it’s self was truly beyond anything that humans could create here. It’s size was beyond any Human World structure, with a 16th Century interior and a somewhat distorted 16th Century exterior. I remember it’s seemingly mile high walls stretching high into the grey sky with many arches supporting it’s grandeur. This wasn’t just a normal castle, it was one constructed by Karlheinz himself, and it showed that in it’s might. The structure it’s self was incredibly imposing, as if it was some sleeping behemoth that might start to shudder and shake and come alive in an instant.
    There were however a few gargoyles that would sit on the corners. They weren’t made of stone, but actual demonic familiars. There weren’t many, but we could sometimes see them hopping between the high arches with their wings outstretched. They were there to keep us safe from other vampire clans, but an attack never happened, so we never saw them in action.

    This wasn’t the castle where Karlheinz worked from/lived, but rather created solely for his wives. An amusing thought is comparing it to a holiday home, though that might also be seen as rather an insult to his work, so I’ll refrain. There were three separate sections within it, one for each of his wives. Beatrix, Shu and I had the right wing, Cordelia and her sons had the centre and Christa and Subaru had the left.
    The design of the castle was asymmetrical, and as long as I spent living there I never got to see all of it’s hidden areas. It was filled with corridors, passageways, stairs seemingly leading nowhere, a multitude of rooms for just about everything, a ball room, a swimming pool (yes even back then, there was an outdoors one also), large kitchens, a laboratory, at least two libraries, multiple games rooms and more.

     

    Oh, I have gone off topic detailing about just about everything now haven’t I? There’s honestly far more that can be said, but if you’re wanting to hear about that it’s perhaps better you just contact me directly. I don’t bite.. So to speak.

    There’s other events to cover, such as Cordelia and Beatrix’ demise, but we’ll save that for another time and jump straight to the topic of brides.

     

    Sacrificial Brides

    You might ask, did Karlheinz send you brides? And the answer would be yes, and the same fate befell them as you might already be aware.
    It was very rare I ever involved myself, I left most of the 'interactions’ between them and the triplets usually, as they were the most interested in that sort of thing. There were only a few human girls who would try their luck with me, unfortunately I wasn’t interested in being charitable any more than the others. Their interest in me would quickly wane upon interacting, and that would rather set off a chain reaction.
    I don’t handle being ignored well, you understand. If you start something you should finish your goal, and I have little patience for those who don’t follow through. I would see echoes of my past in them, as I’m sure most of us did. They were dolls we projected our lives onto, and they suffered the result of that.

    However, disregarding all of the previous minor alterations from the 'canon’, this is the largest fork in the timeline, as I’m unsure if Yui appeared at all. Honestly the options are between, “Yui did join us, but did not pick me. It’s also unlikely she had Cordelia’s heart.” or “Yui didn’t join us.” Either case, the girls send to us was like drip-feeding, which does bring up the point of how we would feed but again, a topic for another time.

    The result of Yui never involving herself with me meant that tensioned continued to rise in the mansion. Being forced into a much smaller space as we were now made conflicts more common, and my relation to Shu, though already sour was nearing it’s breaking point - Till eventually, it did.

    The Thereafter624122483_ReijivsShu.thumb.jpg.1e4fc5de8496f83d8f26b27e9c39ab07.jpg

    I had already rid myself of mother, my next target had always been Shu. Without the counterbalance of Yui my focus shifted away from resurrecting mother, and purely onto Shu. The one who continued now to take advantage of my behaviours to live in denial and avoid the world around him. In short, I challenged him. One final duel. One final fight to the death.
    This wasn’t practise, this wasn’t brotherly sparing, this was my declaration for his end, and so we fought. Details again I’ll.. Have to write another time. But this is the most prominent point of my memories.

    The end result was that I won, just. He’d almost crushed my skull but a split second prior to my final blow. Beyond here things do get rather.. Well, I’d say 'personal’, but this entire post has been. But I was rather 'out of my right mind’ after killing Shu. I took to the skies in my larger bat form, calling to father all the while before I started to relapse into old memories.
    My identity, my concept of who I was was that of a monster, a murderer, and so I embraced it outright. I set ablaze another town and sat upon the spire of the cathedral to wait.

    Looking back on it, it’s honestly a rather immature cry for attention, but that’s the point I had been driven to. I had nothing left but the idea to destroy that which surrounded me. The world that had rejected me, the family who had ignored me, the ones who had denied me the right to be a concept known as 'myself’. I was shaped by the world to be recognised by it, and so now I bore a scar onto the land so I might be known to exist.

    1467555758_terrorfromabovebanner.thumb.png.9407ab77a2bf882224507cb543c2762a.pngI’ve actually written out a lot of this before in this blog post here, so you're free to read up on that for what happened in-between events listed here.

    Memories past this point do get a little patchy, but I do believe that I managed to seek out father myself upon realising he wasn’t going to come to me. I re-entered the demon world via a gateway in the forest of which I’d just told the elderly lady not to follow me. I made my way to Karlheinz’ main castle on horseback before confronting him directly.

     

    I do not know everything, in detail, but I do know I was ready for a fight to the death with father also, and didn’t expect the reality of what he decided to do instead. Ontop of one of the towers he changed into his own bat form - Though to call it a 'bat’ would honestly be a discredit to the scale of the creature he changed into. With four wings, four ears, three eyes and a continuously flowing white mane that drifted around his form as if he was submerged under water he bore down on me with his might. He told me to learn more, before encountering him again. I was still naive, immature and undeserving of his power.
    With those last words he eradicated me from that world, and, if my theory is to be correct, placed me into this one.

    Final

    The tests he has given me thereafter have emulated Shu’s life to force me into understanding his perspective, his emotions and life, and to learn the concept of kindness, love, selflessness and emotions in a way I have never been able to truly grasp before. What this life deals is often times ruthless, without remorse, without mercy, but if I am to live then I will find a way to live. If it is what I must do then I will do it.

    This is who and what I presume myself to be. You may judge me however you wish. This is my story, and I think unless I accept it, I will always be at ends with myself.

    Thank you for reading.

  6. This is a personal report from a two-days reiki seminar I attended. Note that I'm just posting my very individual experience and opinion as it came across. I wrote the following report of the second day 1.5 weeks after the seminar. I still have very mixed feelings about it, mostly caused by a couple of things that happened this day.

    The day was basically dedicated to practical training. We started with a guided mediation, during which I took my usual laying posture. Listening to the meditative music, I more or less ignored the guiding voice, visualized myself as usual and flooded the whole place with blue energy. Interestingly I could clearly feel the house dog lying right next to me, touching me with her paw and obviously enjoying the energy bath. I felt the dog leave shortly before the meditation ended; afterwards, I saw her lying in the other corner of the room as if nothing happened. This left me very puzzled. Nobody saw if the dog was really lying next to me because everybody had their eyes closed; the reiki master stated that the dog might have been there spiritually, too. I also felt the dog's
    presence and touching during the reiki initiation at day one.

    We then went to using the reiki energy for different things. I first worked with visualizing my own blue energy until the reiki master mentioned that I should use the "white" energy of the universe. After that hint, I took care to visualize using white colored energy from the surroundings of the universe. We first were teached a technique for "chakra cleaning" which basically breaks down to letting energy flow between the inner body chakras. This was said to be neccessary to "keep them open" and was recommended to be done daily. Afterwards, we jumped straight to using reiki for letting energy flow into our own body and mutually into other bodies during a few partner excercises. The most "difficult" excercise was giving a full-body treatment which included letting energy flow into the partner's chakra spots, but also knees, legs and feet (IDK why the chakras are not important in the lower extremities, but very important for the upper body). We were instructed to connect to earth and sky energies, let reiki energy flow through our own body, then "smoothen" the partner's aura by three hand movements, and accordingly letting reiki flow through our hands held above the lying partner's body, selecting the spots and the distance intuitively. Afterwards, we were instructed to "roughen" the partner's aura up again by three more rushed hand movements, disconnect from the energy, offer our thanks to ourselves and the universe, and finally wash our hands (at least symbolically by rubbing them). It was a very ritual-like way of energy work. Giving the treatment, I felt like not doing much, but rather acting as an antenna and channel for the energy; receiving it I felt a bit of prickling in my feet, but nothing special apart from that.
    After the excercises we had a short closing round when my partner indicated that a surprisingly high amount of energy seemed to have floated into my neck chakra, which is responsible for finding truth. She also indicated that it felt like I'm searching for something - which is definitely true in many aspects but could be said for most people.

    Finally we received a document which confirmed that we'd completed reiki grade 1, were invited to take additional seminars, and said goodbye. I didn't at any time mention my otherkin identity, but I did mention ley lines and dragons one time. The reiki master didn't know about that and didn't make any further comment. Somewhen during the excercises we talked about spirituality and "being grounded". The reiki master and also the other participants clearly indicated that I was not at all grounded. Taking a look at how I lead my daily life, this is something I disagree on; but it was probably logical that the impression came about by the way I presented myself and talked about my spiritual experiences during the weekend. It was indicated that I urgently needed grounding by opening up my lower chakras, since not being grounded would be a very bad thing which could cause severe illness; also the reiki master mentioned that I had much work to do in that regard and that "humbleness is a clear sign of being grounded". Given her reproachful look and voice, I understood that as an accusation and it was the main reason for my hard thinking process after the seminar.

    The day after the seminar I was thinking heavily about the learnings. I found that "being grounded" is sometimes described as fitting your astral body and soul completely into the human body. Now that is something that's obviously impossible for me. I won't try to fit a dragon's soul into a human body. Hence, I feel I need to find another approach and a new balance between spirituality and real-life.

    The seminar was interesting, but didn't teach me much I didn't know yet or couldn't have learned from public sources. And all in all, I still don't see a sound theory about reiki that would be more concise than my own thinking. My identity has once again become stronger. All energies I felt at that weekend, including what the reiki master did during the initiation, were way weaker than what I'm used to from previous experiences I discovered on my own. What concerned me most was the attitude of the reiki teacher to give obscure and unclear answers to basic questions, e.g. on the question "How do you know the color of chakras?" she answered "Because I can see them", but didn't explain how. I now think that the initiation and chakra cleaning is not really neccessary, but rather used to bind people to the help and superiority of the reiki master. I could strongly feel energies before the initiation already, and that feeling didn't get stronger so the initiation didn't do much. The attitude of the reiki master of taking authority, telling me that I'd be getting ill if I don't ground myself, that I should be humble (towards her, maybe?) and just needed to believe what she says doesn't sit well with me at all. It seems like typical techniques of a religion or cult, used to manipulate people to make them depending on the master's advice, and having them pay for more seminars. Realizing that made me quite angry, and I was reminded how important it is to question authority.  

    It's very difficult to sort out spiritual learnings under these conditions... which part of the learnings is valid, and which part is just hocus-pocus made to lull people? I think I'll rather learn from own experiences, introspection and freely available sources. But I've also learned to trust myself and my feelings more, found that my mindset is greatly different from others, and that I must never forget who I am and what I am. Maybe that's a learning that could be generalized.

  7. (Speaking present tense as Lady Lunastre)

    For one such as myself, my true draconian heart is what keeps me alive, my astral energy and power within ever flowing, and forged my connection with nature and people alike, for this I have realized when I set foot into the great wilderness of the alpine mountains, and saw the beauty of the ever awakening storm, the moon shining brighter as I raised my astral wings to the darkening sky, waiting for the beauty of the stars and the void, hidden by the powerful storm following.... Amongst the hidden beauty of the nature around me during such a time, I have begun to truly awaken my true draconian heart, and I have begun to fine tune my astral energy for the sake myself, and the nature around me, for I am doing the most subtle amount of astral energy to help the life forms around my existence....

    Something I will always know, for all of time and for all of Infinity, is the fact that I am truly draconian, in blood, heart, and soul, for I will always win the war with the evil and the demons created by the hate and warring of ideals within this world we live in, for I see the beauty in all walks of life, and I will always strive to protect those I love, and those that need help more than anyone else. I know who I am, and what I look like, for I am Lady Lunastre, Celestial Queen of the Draconians, the only true daughter of the almighty Infinite Draconian Lord.... I see within my true slumbering form, the vast expanse of my magnificent wings, imbued with the power of the celestial existence and the storm across the sky and the realms above, and within my existence I sense the desire and the calling to help and provide aid to all beings of life and earth, to see the smiles on the faces of the world, so they can truly prosper and love their beautiful lives and walks of life, (this applies to you all reading this), and the great, spiraling horns that bear my molten iron crown of celestial being shines down and burns my enemies who dare to disrupt the balance of the world. The magnificent color of my dark, cobalt blue scales shine down upon the world, for my titanium scaled hands providing love and protection to all who need a hug, or the simple encouragement for them to see the beauty within themselves..... I see the perfect balance of the world, and for I as the celestial draconian queen strive to protect the great balance that keeps us all alive and seeing the great beauty within all walks of life....

    Those and the evil who the wind and the storms blow against, will be burned to ashes by my pure azure fire, and the great power of the celestial and eternal darkness of the void will take and destroy those who desire to take the lives and happiness of the innocent beings that walk the worlds of all kinds, for the celestial energy that I hold within will destroy and strike the evil that dares to take hold of those who live life by their own good happiness.... For the strength of the dragon is used to protect, not to destroy, and for I as the celestial draconian queen will protect all walks of nature, life, and death, for all of time, and for all of Eternal Infinity..... 

    (End, excerpt from my true draconian heart and self....)

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    haha it's a play on words

    Anyway, that play on words sums up how I'm feeling and have been for a while. Like I just can't enjoy things that require relating to the human perspective. There's a lot of TV to watch but I can't enjoy any of it because I feel so detached from the experiences and feelings it's based on. (Especially if they're gender-specific, for some reason. It's like double bad because I don't relate well to gender divisions and don't relate to most human experience in general) Can't enjoy events. Can't enjoy socialization, even when my normal issues are accounted for. Can't enjoy games. Can't enjoy reading or any of the things I normally enjoy.

    I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at everything. It's normally not this bad, usually I can find a place in human society and experiences somehow if I really force it. But I just...can't, lately. Nothing feels right at all. Trying to make it feel right just makes it worse because now I have to think about it. Everything is so wrong. I could make it stop by trying to "live in the moment," but I can only do that for so long. I can only look at pictures for so long. I can only clear my mind for so long before the voices start flooding back in again and telling me that everything is wrong.

  8. So, I haven't been very active here in a while, although I've lurked and responded to some stuff off and on, mildly. This is a general update on how I'm doing, since I'm coming up on my fourth year of being in this community and actively accepting my belief and identity as the Devil. It's also almost been a year since my first memory smacked me upside the head, and I have basically been non-stop shifty ever since. It's to the point where at times I'm like "am I the otherkin equivalent of a contherian?" Is that terminology even useful for me at all, though? 

    I'm not 100% sure why, but within the past week I've suddenly been hit with an onslaught of mental shifting and more memory recall, again maybe because I'm coming up on a year since that first one? I have a bunch of thoughts bouncing around in my head, from that thought to wondering when the anniversary of my Fall would be on our calendar and if that could potentially cause an upset or rise in shifting/memory for me. In total, I've had about five memories; the most recent one was moreso a memory layered over a "feeling", or imagined scenario. The scene itself was, I believe, simply serving as a parallel to a scene I have been through more than once, so a specific memory was not called into my head, but instead a replacement and/or trigger for it and the associated emotions and actions.

    However, when I talk about this, I have to dance around the subject. Because of all the memories I've recalled at this point, almost none of them are things I'm comfortable sharing the exact details of. Not now, not ever. This can be a little awkward in the angelkin community, where it can be normal to give out details of your traumatic death/torture/Fall memories, a habit which I've always found kind of weird but each to their own on what you're comfortable sharing, I guess. For me, I'm not comfortable sharing it beyond summary or vague implications - but I still want to talk about it and the associated emotion with people who understand. So I find myself in a weird sidestep dance around what I've experienced.

  9. (I had one lyric about pendulums, and I already used it on the forum, sadly.)

     

    I'm not usually one who follows ideas of "divination" and "spirits" and "magick" and all that stuff. I feel like an idiot when I'm making use of my mini-shrine trying to communicate with Pan, and that's just talking. I never thought about going beyond that, really. But when I was discussing some of my theories on Discord, somebody suggested using a pendulum for communication, after warding it. I thought to myself, hey, why the hell not? The worst case scenario is that nothing comes from it. So as long as I'm ready to take everything I find with a huge pinch of salt, I should be OK. With that in mind, I did a little bit of research and gave it a try.

     

    I used a turquoise necklace I already had as my pendulum, and "warded" it using incense and focusing on the purpose I had in mind. That part felt kind of silly, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. After warding, I established that I was trying to talk to Pan, and determined what meant "yes" and "no" both by asking and by trying some questions that I already knew the answers to. Once I was satisfied, I started asking about my past life, and that's where things got interesting. Again, everything should come with a big pinch of salt.

     

    Assuming I was actually communicating with Pan, he told me that contrary to my working theory, I was not a victim of transformation in my past life. He said I was a faun in that life, but oddly, I was born as a centaur. So that was weird. I then established that I was some manner of shapeshifter. Furthermore, my past life father was a shapeshifter too, and an immortal one at that, but not a god or a titan. My past life mother, meanwhile, was a mortal, though I didn't ask if she was human. Finally, Pan revealed that I was a student of his in my past life, but that we met later in that life when I came looking for him. That was all I could get before he was finished answering questions.

     

    Obviously I'm not taking any of this at face value, and I plan to do it again soon to try to "verify" the phenomenon. But it's still interesting to think about what this could mean if it's true. The biggest question I'm left with is, what's immortal and a shapeshifter but not a god or titan? Limiting myself just to Greek mythology, I found a few possibilities. First up is Phobetor, a personification of dreaming that could appear in the mortal world in the forms of animals and could change his form at will. Whether Phobetor qualifies as a god seems to be hazy based on my very little research, so it's quite possible that Pan wouldn't consider him one, even if he was immortal. Proteus is another interesting possibility; he was more likely to be called a god than Phobetor, but he was known to change form often. Those are the two obvious things I found, but I also found myself drawn to Typhon for some reason. I described him in a prior entry; he's not a god or a shapeshifter, but he is immortal and has been shown with various animal parts. I dunno.

     

    I'm not going to put too much stock into this before doing a bit more to verify things, of course. But it is interesting to think about. It really did seem like the pendulum was working, though I realize it responds to hand movements. Perhaps next time I'll try doing it without holding the pendulum myself. I'll write more if anything else comes up. In the meantime, I am intrigued about the possibilities, and especially Phobetor given how well he seems to match what I "learned."

  10. People might remember the previous two entries regarding this stuff. This creature was really confusing to the point I didnt know what to do besides exploring different angles and see what would make the most sense. I have in my absence here continued that avenue to discover a really interesting twist in the story what would make the most sense. As far for the other angles, I did the cameoshift angle but as with the Dunklesoteus there was more to the story then just that. In the most sense I guess that it was something familiar that was part of me that only with time would come out as the Dunkleosteus did. The other angle was past life but that also didnt really stick in the sense I didnt had some memories of it, if there was any then I couldnt really make a connection to that case unlike the Dunkleosteus who showed very possible memories of behavior what would make sense in some form as the top predator, In other words I had nothing to go of that would point to the same thing and in turn would point to possible Earthly kintype that wasnt from the Godec. The last angle had to do with the Godec or my shapeshifting kintype since it didnt feel right to abandon it right away. It had also forms that shared elements with exctinct Earthly creatures so it was something that had to remain open too. I have tried to explore more but it seems I cannot get more then what I currently know but maybe time will slowly reveal more but I think I have found at least the possible truth.

    Of all the angles that I pursuit it did point more strongly towards the Godec kintype being responisble. As time went on it started to reveal more features what I didnt know at the time. It has some element of the Rauisuchus in the sense it's tail and hind legs share features with it. The front part proved to be similiar in build to that of a bull. The front consistet of front legs that are hooved, shoulders were also similiar build and the horns were also similiar to that of a bull. The suprising thing was the head that was more of a mix between that of a dragon and a bull. Putting it together had been quite a puzzle but in general terms I can describe it the best as some sort of Rauisuchus/bull mix though I dont believe it is neccersary like the other forms. It looks to different. I tried to wreck all my experiences for a possible answer and this creature seems to be a true form from my Godec life. I dont neccersary have all the answer towards how it does fit in perfectly but comparing it to the other forms who really look more Earthly with alien form it just doesnt look the same. I have uncovered some possible memories that point more towards a true Godec form that hasnt changed at all through time unlike the other forms. I never really expected to uncover this angle at all. As far I could expect it was something that is more like the lion form that I posted in a earlier blog what is a look upon one of my most experienced form. I tried to think maybe somehow my only known true form from those days, my dragon form, was somehow partially responsible and somehow it got mixed up in all of this thus making it a false lead to further continue but no. Despite sharing elements with the Rauisuchus, it is not really some earthly like form that has alien elements. The one thing that made it different from the dragon is the fact the dragon hind legs are clearly 3 toed. The hindlegs of this creature has clearly 4 toes but lacks the 5th toe what is present in the Rauisuchus but the legs and whole behind and tail is siniliar build as the Rauisuchus. 

    Despite all the confusion and how hard it is to exactly picture it fully, I feel I begin to slowly learn more about this creature. It seems more and more positive it is connected to the Godec life I used to have. I still am trying to search for more evidence and answers surrounding this creature but feel I have at least a good basis to say it is a form of my shapeshifing form. I always felt there was something missing in the sense of I didnt have all the forms yet. This creature feels to fill the last gap I need to know for certain how many forms I have. Aside the ones I already know I have this seems to be the last true form what would make the Godec kintype in some sense complete. I guess I just didnt know what to look for at all and just kept those things to myself since I had no real experiences to back up so brushed it off as maybe I do have all the asnwers I need regarding my forms but it now feels like I have my complete forms back though most have changed. There are still many unanswered questions left but now I have a complete view of the many forms, I have a solid basis to build more and try to get a best possible view of how that past life used to be with the little memories I have left. It wont bring me to the full picture but it will bring me closer to the time periods that I can fill to get some sense of who i used to be and how I lived truely and how these forms fit in the whole thing.

    I will be honest and say that I didnt expect the creature to be a true form from the Godec days. But as I know before, there comes a time that I need to follow with what I feel is the truth and it feels right. Cramming it tp nothing more as the other forms doesnt feel right. Approaching it as a form that is from those days feels right. So why did the Rauisuchus trigger this whole thing? Well despite not exactly looking like this animal, I feel that seeing some familiar things back in this animal form seems to be more of the trigger as it looks very similiar. That is also what happened with my snake form. I became aware of this form when I learned about the Basilisk. In some ways it felt like looking into a mirror that wasnt complete yet. The missing part was from the bull elements. Combining those animals together what results in a unlikely hybrid just makes more sense when it is approached as a draconic like bull creature then a hybrid between those 2 animals with alien elements. I still have many questions left that surrounds this creature but only time will tell wether some or all will be answered or not. Some memories that I already know seem to become more clearer now I am aware of this form. I dont know where this path will lead me yet but I am ready to welcome the missing form that I unknowingly have searched for so many times. 

    I have plans to make a another commission from a another form and this one seems to be the next perfect candidate for it to put it in art to show a truely fascinating creature.

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    One thing I've noticed since being open about my fictionkin identity is the immediate 'are you sure you're not a ___?' response. I understand this completely, and whenever a creature was mentioned I would do my best to look into it. Thing is... it kept going. I would be writing essays upon essays about how I felt and why I am a banshee, but still someone would ask if I was a dragon or a bird instead. I've gone through pterosaurs, dragons, dinosaurs, sea creatures, birds, reptiles and so much more, yet apparently it's not enough. Even close friends - who have followed me through my otherkin journey - have asked if I'm sure I'm a banshee just because something similar exists on earth. It feels like everyone doesn't believe me, even when I pour my soul out in writings to show them what I feel and why I believe what I do. I've had many labels throughout the years but not a single one has fit like the ikran. I am undoubtedly an ikran on all inner levels, at least as far as I can see myself.

    I know people are just trying to make sure I've put thought into my identity before I claimed something, but I would have thought that my constant blogging would have been satisfactory for them. What do people want? A full novel about how I'm not a Pteranodon, a comic book about my past incorrect feelings of being a dragon, or a six part movie series about my struggles to define whether I was a bird or not? I share whatever I can when I can yet it's still "okay but what if you're NOT fictionkin..." and it becomes a cycle. People say 'are you this instead?' and I have to link them to four month old essays in which I address that. Someone else asks a similar question and I have to show them a blog post from a year ago addressing THAT question. I just can't say I am these things they tell me I could be - I've been ashamed of being fictionkin before because of online harassment so I deliberately sought out Earthly creatures I could 'pose' as. None fit.

    I have never felt so sure of myself. Instead of forcing myself to identify as a pterosaur or some type of bird, I am embracing what feels natural, right, and logical. I'm not a microraptor, I'm not a Quetzalcoatlus I'm not a dragon, I'm not a manta ray, and I'm not a macaw. I am Pterodactylus giganteus - a mountain banshee.

  11. Stray

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    I have displayed animalistic behavior since I was a child. I recall wanting to continuously wear tails or gloves with claws on them from costumes meant for Halloween as young as 4. My mom always told me "you are not an animal," and I always found that hard to believe, even as a kid. Around this same period, I had an obsession with canines, specifically dogs; this was noted on a doctors report that I still own to this day.

    When I had reached my elementary school years, I began questioning my animal side. In 2005 I saw a documentary on TV that featured a segment on "therians." Upon seeing the segment, I instantly knew that that's what I was, and ran to a computer to do more research. I stumbled upon The Werelist and everything took off from there. I began questioning all sorts of animals; from squirrels and frogs, to horses and all sorts of birds. This soul-searching lasted me quite a few years, until everything led up to me realizing I am a wolf.

    I remained inactive in the therianthropy community upon reaching my teen years out of fear of my close-minded mom finding out, which vaguely happened but I continued to cover it up as something else. 

    Now an adult, I've learned to hide and cope with being more animal than everyone else. Although, things slip through the cracks sometimes. In fact, recently a friend of mine caught me sniffing the air as they made hamburgers, which, was very embarrassing.

    My partner, being the understanding person he is, allows me to express my true self when I need to, which can be a huge relief sometimes. Honestly, I just feel like a wolf pretending to be human to please everyone else constantly. I truly feel a disconnect from my outer self and inner self regarding appearance, and although I promise I am aware I am physically human, sometimes I will walk past a mirror and have to do a double take because seeing my human face often surprises me because I expect to see what I feel like.

    One way I've found to express my non-human experience is by comparing it to the wolves of Wolf's Rain (cheesy, I know); the wolves are still wolves, but can disguise themselves as human- although to some, it's still obvious that they're wolves. This is expressed in the anime and the manga in the image of a wolf and human overlapping eachother, I have provided a picture I took from the first volume to give a better idea since i am not the best at explaining.

     

    Snapchat-627770486.thumb.jpg.5d2874320d86ba46373593596e228f71.jpg

    I feel as though this image accurately represents what I experience as a non-human identifier, except the human is the physical one.  I am interested in knowing if anyone relates to this image as well.

    I honestly very much appreciate dogs, as they feel like creatures I can relate to more closely than humans, and since I understand their behavior (I am an aspiring dog trainer), I can replicate it and cause them to interact with me as if I am another canine. But since I identify as a wolf, I do understand that wolves and dogs behave very differently; two types of behaviors which I consider myself very familiar with and can adapt to.

    I often question if I may be a wolfdog due to some personal things, but that idea has just never fully clicked with who I am.

    Since I discovered the therianthropy community in the 2000's, I still do like to refer to myself as a were/werewolf, although I do use the term therianthrope often. 

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    Tick tock tick tock the clock is counting down. Tick tock tick tock and soon the earth will drown.  Tick tock tock tick no more suffering will resound. Tock tick tick tock without humans nature will rebound.

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    A huge weight was taken off my shoulders last night after I somehow obtained a solution to one of my personal problems in the middle of typing my own response to something on Reddit. There's still some weight left in my chest and it seems to be related to my writer's block and probably my issues with chronic procrastination that I need to crack down on working through as soon as possible. Saying I'm a chronic procrastinator is no longer funny or a "joke" of any kind. I've taken it too far and it's becoming a ridiculous obstacle that shouldn't exist anymore. Most people procrastinate. Very few are able to get to my level. The grand majority of the population can't afford to be like me and I can't afford to stay like this myself.

    The whole situation with my first entry has been cleared up. I'm not sure if I should post what happened, but it basically turns out I was most likely legitimately wrong and my undeniable feelings of certainty were just feelings from one of my soulbonds bleeding over to me for some reason. Based on everything that played out, I wish there was a way to legitimately explore the lives I experienced as my fictotypes. It's possible that I'm still a canon divergent Aoi Zaizen, though to what extent that is remains unknown. The only reason I even suspect canon divergence is I no longer trust the writers of this franchise after what happened in the Arc-V anime. My other reason for suspecting it is related to my soulbond's feelings. Unfortunately, without enough memories to support my suspicions, all I can do is make educated guesses, not obtain confirmation that gives my words weight.

  12. Latest Entry

    Back when I was a teenager, I was into some cringy Mary Sue stuff. Looking back now, I know that there was a kernel of truth to it. I misinterpreted, but it's also reassuring to see how much I got right on a symbolic level. I used to channel my kin feelings into writing fiction because that was the only outlet I had for it at the time. Computers were just barely starting to be something that regular people might have in their homes, and only if they were geeky hobbyists. I didn't have one until later. 

    So, my main character was an anthro-hawk woman who was a bit untamed. Still, she carried a sword and dedicated herself to defending her city, with the adobe walls, close to a fertile river valley, on the edge of a desert. She would take side jobs hunting game for the local tavern, delivering packages, and raising some extra coins from fighting in the other tavern. Of course this Mary Sue had the most wonderful soulmate ever. I was obsessed with him.

    The guy was an anthropomorphized sun spirit. He also carried a sword and defended the city. He literally glowed and could cook raw meat in the palm of his hand on a sunny day, not that he did that very often. He was also friendly and charismatic, unlike the hawk woman whose wild-like indifference often kept people at a distance. The problem was that he depended on the sun for his own survival. If he exhausted himself, he'd suffer through the cold dark night until the next morning. A fire could help keep him going. 

    Years later, in college I started writing another story, about an otherkin-type awakening happening in our world. The hawk lady could not even go outside because those wings were just too big to hide, so the guy took her in and watched over her. Except this time he was a vampire. He worked in a nightclub. He was still charismatic, but he was also sarcastic and snarky. He hunted the other "monsters" that were suddenly appearing around the city. Then one morning while trying to help the hawk woman escape, he got caught out in the sunlight and captured. 

    He didn't turn to ash, but he was severely burned. The people who captured him soon learned that his healing actually accelerated under a sun lamp. His body reconfigured itself into his sun aspect. He regained his sense of compassion, which was always there, just buried. Though he could still be a snarky asshole when he felt like it. In college, while I was writing this character, I did start to suspect that my "soulmate" really was another aspect of myself. (This was after the Horus vision, but I was ignoring the heck out of that back then.) 

    Just some wild ham-fisted fiction, right? Not exactly. I had been hanging out with the Thunder Being, playing astral cowboy for a time, defending my city and quite determined that the only monster allowed within my territory was me. I was still ignoring the hell out of Horus, though my actions proved that ignoring it didn't make it go away. Then Ra stepped in and decided he'd had enough of my denials. He scorched the crap out of my energy every morning for two and a half months. I was terrified that it would never end. Even as it burned, I craved more, like I had been starving for who knows how many years. The burn is all energy, but I also feel it as a physical sensation under my skin, first a build up of pressure and then something like heat followed by something like sunburn. (My studies in Tai Chi have taught me that there is a link between chi and the connective tissues in the body, so it probably does create something of a physical reaction in me.) Being burned by the sun until it rewired me to its liking was apparently a prophetic idea. My writing predicted that transformation years in advance. 

    I've been sensitive to those energies ever since, though the intensity varies from day to day. Some days I sleep through it. Some days it wakes me up and I ignore it and go back to sleep. Some days it's blissful and I find myself begging for more. Some days the pressure builds, and some days it burns. It's usually more intense when I've exhausted myself the day before. I suspect that the faster I pull it in, the hotter it feels. It's strongest in spring and summer. In fall it starts to have something like an unpleasant metallic taste to it as it slowly diminishes. In winter, I just sort of drag myself along. I can usually detect the first hopeful hints of spring before the temperature starts to warm. 

    I insist, with a snarl in my voice, that I am not a vampire. It's possible I "doth protest too much." The psi vampires would put me in the elemental category because of my dependence on solar energy. And it is true that I have to watch myself in winter because I am capable of taking energy from other sources, and might do so accidentally.  A few weeks ago someone wandered by and mentioned the Aset Ka, and I snarled then too. Putting Kemeticism and vampirism together? That feels like summoning and celebrating the diminished form, an aberration. There may be some kernel of truth, but it seems to ignore that the great big flaming ball in the sky is the true source of immortality and power. Toss those Anne Rice books out the window already. Egypt was not about death. It was about a life force so strong that it defies death, and you didn't have to steal it, just embrace it. Ride on the solar barque and risk the sun's heat to become a Shining One if the Field of Reeds isn't good enough for you. 

    Is this another territorial reaction of "no monsters here but me?" Maybe a resentment of how close to the line I'm already sitting? Maybe annoyance at people who confuse desperation with power. Maybe recognition that my own energy state is variable enough that I don't take it for granted, and I'd be majorly pissed at anyone who disrupted it without my consent. The consent thing is a big issue. I don't tend to snarl at people who respect that line, and I've been a willing energy donor myself a few times when I've had extra to spare. Lots of mixed feelings on the subject. 

    But yeah, that "soulmate" guy was part of me all along. 

  13. Long time no type!~ Mainly on my part, been achy, fatigue-ish and what not;  But for a while, I've been just thinking, what if my kind in the dragon side progressively look more like a dragon as they get older? It's kinda funny to think about it like that, big bode looking tiger winged cub with weird back feets sorta like this
     image.png.e2449e05b24e3f329af24de4c36bf5bd.png

    And soon enough the cub grows into a dragon like this and that's probably in the mid early adult years XD
    1281174516_ohleggy.png.68abe664d409d5da0f530d2708658e64.png
    soon enough they'll look more dragon than that as they get older~ 

    I'm not saying this is an actual about my kind, that's a whole meditation and divination sesh to do.~ It's just a funny thought tbh X3

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    Vedui'nosse,

    Elvenportal has a good list, but quite a few of the links are broken, so I've gone through and picked out ones that aren't! These are Sites that I found useful/informative. Please feel free to comment with sites you would like to see up here!

    Quote

     

    Silver Elves - A good starting resource! A group of Elves who help other elves find their place!

    Elvin Portal- A lot of good resources involving Elfin exploration!

    Elenari.net - Another good site for finding yourself/finding answers!

    Rialian.com - More info about Elfinkin

    Rialian.com - A non-Tolkien Elven language! 

    Catharism - A potential 12th-14th century Elfin group in France!

    The Cathars/Catharism (2) - Hybrid DNA 

    Elfin Awakening - Elfin Blog with good information

    Lostkin - Otherkin Memory Recollection

    Eristic - Big resource, lots of resources to other sites too.

    The Fair Folk - An Essay/Chapter about Elfin kind

    Otherkin Resources - A sort-of mini-hub for resources of Otherkin.

    Otherkin Fandom Wiki - FANDOM wiki site of Otherkin!

    Elfkind Digest - A sort-of magazine/digest providing more info on Elfin'kin and Otherkin!

    Tolkien High Elves - A discussion about Finnish centric games.

     

    Wanya yassen i'taure e' seere, (Depart with the forest peacefully),

    Tally.

  14. Go away...don't let me hurt you. You want me around so badly, you are surprised when I hurt you. Stop saying I'm beautiful, stop saying I hurt others because I was hurt, stop saying this is alright. Stop, stop. I tried to warn you I really did. How many times do I need to hurt you to make you hate me, please leave, don't let me kill you. You look at me and think I am smirking at your idiocy, or laughing at your pain. I laugh and smile because as soon as I stop I will burst into tears. Don't look, Don't look. I am vulnerable. I hate it when you stick that finger in my face, you come so closely I can smell the pain and hatred off of your lips. Don't lie to me by smiling and thinking this all is happily ever after. It's my curse...if I cry. I don't think I will ever be able to stop. Stop STOP STOP! Go away! Don't look at me with those sad eyes! Don't look at me with those pitiful eyes. If I die, maybe it'll give you the opportunity to come to life. I screwed this up. I screwed things up for the last time. I've killed everybody I have ever loved, now I have no place to go, no place to run. So now I cry, I have died my thousandth time.

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    Hi. im Dragon Runes. i'm a contherian & a polytherian and I've been in the otherkin community for about 6 years, i come across as a very morbid person at first but please don't let that stop you from reaching out to me. Below is a few bits of general information about me.

     

    Name - Dragon Runes, Runes, Echo & Dragon. (not my real name)

    Gender - Genderfluid.

    Pronouns - they/them or she/her

    Age - 17

    Kitypes - Wolf, Fox, Deer, Raccoon, Deer, Bear, American bison, Crystal dragon, Shadow Dragon, & Wendigo

    Main likes - warm spaces, being outside, tea, art & photography.

    Main dislikes - pushy people, bullying, art thieves.

     

    Going into depth on a few hobbies of mine, I'm an artist. I love the vulture culture and that often shows in a lot of my work. I'm also interested in mortuary science and forensic pathology. im a green witch, i love plants and animals and i love to take photos of my path and nature itself. im also into anime and animation and ive been working on a few things for a small animation too.

     

    I love alot of dark and morbid things and if you would like to talk to me about those things i will not start the conversation due to the fact it may come on too strong and it may make people uncomfortable. if you would like to talk about those things I will give you another way to talk to me.

     

    Why am i here?

    - I'm interested in joining the community to hopefully meet new people. I love meeting new people and I would love to hear other people's side of otherkinity. In the community, I'm apart of I feel like not many people share experiences so I'm hoping to find that here.

     

    How significant is therianthropy to you & How did you come across Therianthropy?

    - Therianthropy has become a large part of my life. It has gotten to be so big and embedded in my past, present and future that I hardly think about it. I came across the topic through youtube, by cringe videos. When I started looking more into it I was putting names to the experiences I've been having since I could remember. This all started happening around the middle school.

     

    Are you a therian & What is/are your theriotype(s)?

    - Yes, i am. But i have come to consider myself otherkin since it's the umbrella term for it! My kintypes listed above in the short bio i wrote.

     

    How did you find your theriotype/s & Do you believe that your therianthropy is spiritual, psychological, neurological, or something else in origin?

    - Like i said above, i found the community through cringe videos and shortly after that i used a few techniques that many people used to discover there kintypes and out of those things AP and Meditation worked the best for me. I believe my identity is a mix of spiritual and psychological. It's very hard for me to explain.

     

    but yeah. that's me lol! I hope to get to know many of you here!!

     

    If anyone would like to get ahold of me, you can find me here!

    (none of the accounts use my personal information!)

     

    Art and business email - lunafootprintart@gmail.com

    Therian amino - Dragon Runes

    The therian guide forum - Dragon Runes

    Instagram - @luna_footprint

    Snapchat - @lrunes666

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    For a few months, I’d been getting phantom shifts that I thought were odd. At first, I didn’t even know what they were. But even when I found that out they were still perplexing. During these shifts, I felt as if I were missing limbs. Most often it was either one leg or both arms, but it was different every so often. The ones involving my arms had been going on for a lot longer (an estimated five months), but the ones involving my legs started more recently (two or three months ago). I could see that my limbs were still there, but I had no control over them. And the fact that they were still there made me feel strangely uncomfortable. These shifts weren’t particularly painful, but obviously the feeling of missing limbs isn’t all too pleasant.

     

    The first time I tried to walk when my leg was gone in one of these shifts, it was definitely tricky. I felt like I couldn’t balance and actually fell, even though both feet should have been firmly planted on the ground. After the first few times this happened, I figured out how to push through it and move somewhat normally.


    The most stressful thing was that I couldn’t figure out why I was getting these phantom shifts. There was a certain character I figured maybe I was kin with, but maybe isn’t enough to be sure of anything. Not only that, but that character had never lost any limbs so it wouldn’t explain the phantom shifts. Sure, the shifts could have been due to a different fictotype or kintype, but it turns out that wasn’t it. I just identify as a different character, plain and simple. And I’m completely sure of this one. It’s more than just the phantom shifts of course, but I’ll describe more things in detail another time.

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    We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay. 

    When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try. 

    Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing. 

    I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see. 

    Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.

    May you be blessed and loved, -Beast

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