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    We've been alright. Occasionally, I refer to myself as 'we' or 'us'. Not sure why. Maybe we'll find out one day, maybe not. It's okay. 

    When it comes to recent events, there isn't really much to talk about. Not sure if that's because not many interesting things happen to me, or if I just have a bad memory and can't remember any of it, but. School, is over for now, and my birthday is coming up uncomfortably soon. That's fun, I suppose. Lately, I've had pretty good opinions on my art, and might even post some! It's kinda hard to get good pictures, since I do mostly traditional, but I can try. 

    Might be very slightly dragon kin?? It's odd, and confusing, but we enjoy hoarding shiny things, and the thought of living in solitude, in a cave, somewhere in the mountains is incredibly calming. Not sure.. I've also started shifting a bit more? Like, more mindset wise than anything, but still more than usual. I've also had some subtle phantom shifts, like my wings, tail or ears. It feels odd, that's for sure. Not, painful, I've heard some people say that they can be painful?? For me it just feels.. numb and fluffy, I guess. Soothing, almost. Like, it's better than my human body, and not really unnatural in any way... I suppose that's a good thing. 

    I've been debating starting a weekly blog? Maybe on Fridays or Saturdays. Perhaps even do a weekly art dump, or certain drawing with each blog entry. We'll see. 

    Oh, and, have you seen a Pomeranian with a teddy bear cut? It's adorable.

    May you be blessed and loved, -Beast

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  2. Latest Entry

    Well, life's been okay. Not great, not awful. I don't really have much to report, but I want to try to write a blog every few days or so.

    I'm thinking about telling my counselor about me being fictionkin. From what I know about her I can guess that she probably doesn't know what it is. I'll have to explain what it is, then I'll give her a little more information on my fictotypes and my beliefs about it and such. The only thing holding me back is that I'm nervous about how she'll react. If anyone has some experience with this (and if anyone actually reads this) I'd love it if you could drop a comment on your experience with telling your counselor/therapist about being otherkin.

    Moving on... Good news! I got a new wig in the mail today. Looks just like my (Sal's) hair should. Wearing it is rather comforting, plus it's really soft. More good news... The principal at my school is super lenient and she said she's cool with me wearing wigs to school "as long as they're not distracting". So of course I'm gonna go for it. I'll probably throw on an outfit in my old color scheme while I'm at it, but sadly I'll have to leave the mask behind. Can only get away with so much, right?

    Well, that's all for today. I know it wasn't anything super interesting, but that's what I've got. Thanks for reading!

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    Okay, so I hope you figured I wasn't really talking about the Matrix. I'm kind of disappointed too, because it would be pretty cool to be able to enter a virtual world where we could physically be our other selves. Something like Ready Player One... yeah...

    But anyways, I have the next best thing. It's not even close, but it's technically the next best thing.

    A few years ago, I was browsing a witch craft shop near my home, and on a whim I purchased a book on Native American spirit animals and how to find yours. The actual part about finding the spirit animal never helped, but the meditation technique described in the book sure did. With it, you can enter an open sandbox world, assume whatever form you wish (in this case, my kintype), and basically do whatever you want (I don't judge). It's an excellent tool for voluntary shifting and visualizing your kintype, as I've been regularly using it to do.

    Enough fluff. Let's get down to business.

    1. If you don't know the basics of meditation, you're essentially going to want to find a comfortable, quiet spot to sit or lay down. Close your eyes and focus on the feeling of your chest rising and falling as you breathe. Just focus on this feeling. If you feel your thoughts wandering, don't panic, just gently let the thoughts drift away and return to focusing on your breathing. If you're new to meditating, this may be difficult at first, but just keep practicing. Meditation is a learned skill like most things in life. Do this one time a day for about 3 minutes until you have it down and can start extending the time further.
    2. Now, assuming you've been meditating for a while, gently envision yourself in a favorite location, real or imagined. It could be the middle of space, the lawn of the White House, or in my case, a particular beach that I loved in the Honduras. For the sake of presentation, we'll use the beach. Once you're standing on the beach, don't do anything. Feel the cool breeze on your face, flowing through your hair. Wiggle your toes in the sand. Listen to the roar of the surf. Remain on the beach until it feels as real as can be. This is your "loading screen" where you'll anchor your mind to the dream space. Stay on this beach as long as you need, and remember not to rush.
    3. Turn around, wherever you are, and see a cave. It doesn't even have to be a real cave- just tack in on to whatever location you're at. This cave is your "tunnel" to the other world. Slowly walk into the cave. Feel the gravel crunch under your feet as you do, and hear your footsteps echoing off the walls. Keep walking until you come to a door. The door can be as close or as far as you wish, just remember to take it slow. If you rush, you'll disrupt the vision. I know you want to get to the fun stuff, but patience is key.
    4.  Open the door and step through into a new world that your kintype would like. This is the "other" world where your kinself exists. I always step out onto a tall mountain peak, with enough space to accommodate a dragon. It's the tallest peak around, with the rest of the world sprawling away into the horizon on all sides.  There's evergreen trees, rivers winding through valleys, and not a cloud in the sunny sky. Take a few moments to once again soak in the sensations of being in this world. The burning of the sun on your face and the wind. Do this as long as you need.
    5. Now, transform. Stay in first person. I watch the ground get farther away as my long neck rises into the air. I feel my four legs plant firmly into the ground. I look down to examine my front legs, now draconian. I turn around and see the rest of me, wings included. I flare out my wings slowly and feel the sensation. I remain still for several moments again, just feeling my other body. Then, I trudge to the edge and leap. I feel the wind as I fall, then open my wings and begin soaring. This is it, you're doing it!
    6. When you're done with your shenanigans, return to your starting point. Transform back to human. Walk back through the door and through the tunnel and back onto the beach. This is you "returning" to the real world. 
    7. Open your eyes. You're now back from your journey.

    This technique may not work for everyone, and that's perfectly okay. If you've found a better way, kudos to you! Maybe share it with me sometime? None the less, this is how I induce voluntary shifts on myself. Thanks for sticking around this long! I hope this helps you visualize your other self!


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    Latest Entry

    What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.)


    Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons?

     50/50 really. I'm an enigma! Also a scientist.

    When was your awakening (if you had one)?

     Didnt have one, baby I was born this way!

    If you had one, do you believe something specific triggered your awakening?


    If you had one, how long did your awakening last? Was it a sudden realisation, or did it take time?


    If you had one, what did you feel during your awakening?


    Did you experience shifts and/or feelings of being non-human prior to your awakening?

     I've always been a catastrophy.

    Did you know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening? If yes, do you think learning about otherkin/therians played a part in triggering your awakening?

     I did not, but learning that there was a word for what I was feeling was neat!

    If you didn't know about otherkin/therians prior to your awakening, how did you come across the community?

     I've actually been giving this some thought, and I think it was CanineHybrid/Riley that introduced me to the concept! I was a freshmen in highschool, so it has been a good while ago. 

    Did you automatically know your species/race when you awakened?

     I have always been a kitty.

    If yes, did you make any attempts to verify this identification? If no, how did you discover your species/race (if you have)?

     I have done lots of introspection that have allowed me to get to know myself better.

    Have you ever misidentified your species/race? If so, what did you mistake yourself for, and why do you think this was?


    Do you experience involuntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

     Yes I do. I just take on a slightly more uninhibeted stance. Much more willing to do impulsive things. Happens fairly frequently! It can be triggered by pretty much anything. 

    Do you experience voluntary mental shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?

    I can do that! They're usually really wonderful. I just let myself off the leash, so to speak. 

    Do you experience involuntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like? How often do you have them? Are they triggered by anything in particular?

     Yep, always! They're constant, feels like a completely natural part of me. I use my ear positioning and my tail for expressing emotion but it hasn't seemed to work... Yet!

    Do you experience voluntary phantom shifts? If so, what are they like, and how do you control them?


    Do you experience dream shifts? If so, how often? Are there any recurring themes? Are your dream shift settings/experiences the same as in normal dreams, or are there notable differences?

     I don't recall ever having dream shifts. They'd probably just feel like me, so I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

    Do you experience any other kind of shift? If so, elaborate.


    What experiences and feelings led you to identify as your kintype rather than with it?

     Sure, I really like cats and all, but I am literally just a cat. A cat that looks like a human. 

    To what extent do you see yourself as (non-physically) nonhuman? Do you identify as human as well as your kintype?

     I am well aware that I am human now, and I honestly wouldn't change that. I like my life. But also, I am a cat. They're so intertwined that I wouldn't be able to elaborate. 

    What led you to believe that your identity is spiritual or psychological in nature? Have you ever believed the other was true, or seriously considered that it may be?

     I'm 50/50 on this deal. I have meditated and had memories of my past life and I believe in reincarnation, but at the same time I am a scientist so I know that I could just be entirely manufacturing these memories. Who's to say without any definitive hard evidence? Certainly not me! I just live my life without thinking too hard on it. I'm a cat, and that's really all there is to it. 

    Do you have any past life memories (if your beliefs are spiritual) or artificial memories/flashbacks (if your beliefs are psychological)? If so, describe them.

     Yes! I believe that I was a feral cat. I definetly had kittens. I think I lived in the city, probably in a city park like Central Park. I can remember being in forested areas and alleyways. 

    Do you ever feel homesick for the location your kintype lives/lived in? If so, how do you deal with those feelings?

    Not really homesick, but I do love being in cities. I love going to cities.

    Are there any locations that make you feel closer to your kintype? Any locations that make you feel disconnected from it?

     Cities and forests are both home to me! I can easily feel full cat anywhere. There's nowhere that really makes me feel a disconnect.

    Do you experience species dysphoria? If so, how often? To what extent? Do you have any methods of coping with it?

     I don't, sorry! I wish I could help out.

    Do you have any behaviours or quirks that you attribute to your kintype?

     I'm very cat-like. The way I move and behave in general. 

    Do you have any nonstandard thought processes or instinctual reactions that you attribute to your kintype?

    Every small animal I want to eat. I would never. I'm a vegetarian and a vet tech, so it is my duty to do no harm. But still the instinct is always just 'I would eat that'. Also if there's a high route I gotta take it. I will go out of my way to go over instead of around. 

    Do you have any personality traits that you attribute to your kintype?

     The everything about me! I can't think of any specifics right now.

    Do you have any nonstandard beliefs, ethics or morals that you attribute to your kintype?

     I'm pretty morally-grey. I do things that benefit me. If that happens to help others, great! If not, oh well. I find that more often than not I do end up helping others, and that does make me happy. 

    Why do you believe the above behaviours/traits/etc. are related to your kintype?

     Cats don't really have morals. They are cats. There is a very thin line between real behavior and personification. Personifying our animals too much is a very, very dangerous thing. I have firsthand seen the reporcussions for people believing that their pets are like people. 
    What is a fact, sometimes feral cats form colonies that are matriarch driven. They are social in thier clowders. They will take care of eachother when resources are available.  

    Do you feel that having a nonhuman identity has been a positive, negative or neutral experience? Have you ever tried to deny your nonhuman identity?

     Neutral, really, though I sure do love being a cat! 

    Do you ever wish you could change your kintype? If so, what would you rather be?


    Do you think this is enough questions for now? I sure hope so!

    Thank you for the good time!

  3. With a few tweaks and some time to actually finalize everything, I have decided to bring my zhuard self to life- Allen- even if at the slowest of gaits. A lot of patience is needed with these things. I will post it elsewhere but for now I figure why not here first..this is after all a personal project in a way. I don't often draw Allen, as I might have said in the past. Not for any real reason- there's a lot of others I haven't gotten around to but hopefully will soon. The expression of the walk feels correct- and not correct physiology wise, that's correct for a zhu- but correct as in resonating. It resonates with me. This is how I would walk and all it's specifics....though I admit, did play around with the tail flick (which zhuards at certain gaits do)..I might not have been that expressive haha. This is definitely an improvement on my art end as far as animation goes (I'm extremely new to it..). 

    Allen walk.gif

  4. Hey guys, sorry for such a long haitus, my mom put parental locks which prevented me from getting on. Im on computer rn tho soo...

    Last time we left off with... ah, right! So, I talked to Drac about Plurality and she said she's heard of it before. Im not sure if thats cause I read about it and she saw or what, but hey. Its been a nightly topic for our cafe talks. And she introduced me to her friend! I forgot her name but she looks like shes from monster high too. Ive never really seen them out the school, weird. But hey, Drac's friends are my friends sooo.

    In other news, I did rearrange my headspace. I took a tip from @Fjordess and me and Drac moved a couple things around. The cafe is still there, but the school is closer and it has a huge garden, which is more jungle like for me. Theres also a swimming pool? I didn't notice Drac added that till we were done. Oh well you know you liked it! Plus, now we can have pool parties! Oh be quiet! This isnt even your blog Drac, you refuse to write in yours! Whaaat, no I don't. You just haven't been on her for me to write! I asked you as soon as I logged on did you want to, and you said no. Now be quiet, this is not your blog!

    ~Sigh~ Drac is a nuisance sometimes. No i'm not Yes you are. Anywho, imma end off here cause she wants to go read something we were talking about a couple nights ago. Thanks for reading everyone! Stay batty! Shut up, Drac!!!


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    Recent Entries

    Cameron Oliver Elliot Silvermoon

    [Host + Core] | 16 | They/Them + Other Neo/Nounself Pronouns


    Aurora Grace "Aura" Silvermoon 

    [Little] | Age Slider 5-15 | She/Her


    The Ace of Spades "Ace" Alabaster

    [Unknown Role] | 25 | They/Them, It/Its



    [Caretaker] | Unknown Age | She/Her



    [Deals With Social Situations] | 14 | She/Her, Meow/Meows/Meowself, Kit/Kits/Kitself


    Kaylie Jayce

    [Unknown Role] | 19 | She/Her


    Quinn "Q" Murphey

    [Protector] | 18 | He/Him


    Emiline "Emi" Rin

    [Unknown Role] | 15 | She/Her



    [Protector + Nonhuman] | Age Unknown | He/Him, It/Its



    [Nonhuman + Unknown Role] | 3 | She/Her



    [Slight Trauma Holder + Nonhuman] | 13 | She/Her


    Percy Hunter

    [Main Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | He/Him


    Benjamin "Ben" Hunter

    [Tritary Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | He/Him


    Penelope "Penny" Hunter

    [Secondary Schoolwork Manager] | 15 | She/Her



    [Handles Adult Situations + Nonhuman + Trauma Holder] | Age Slider 19-25 | She/Her


    Jaxon "Jax"

    [Insider] | 25 | He/Him



    [Reformed Persecutor + Trauma Holder] | Age Slider 12-13 | She/Her


    Cat Cat

    [Deals With Uncomfotable Situations + Nonhuman] | Age Unknown | She/Her, It/Its



    [Trauma + Memory Holder] | 6 | She/Her



    [Unknown Role, Possibly Memory/Trauma Holder] | Age Unknown | She/her



    [Protector] | 17 | She/Her, They/Them



    [Protector] | 17 | She/Her, They/Them



    [Unknown Role] | Age Unknown | She/Her, He/Him



    [Unknown Role] | Age Unknown | She/Her


    Integrated/Dormant System Members

    Flora, Snow

  5. So, time to continue my work in cataloging the myriad races and beings that exist within my novel's world!

    I was probably going to do the Supernal Beasts next, but @Amber since you seemed interested I was definitely inspired to chug this out, and work on forming the core of their functions. (And yes the Supernal Beasts were partly based upon bits and pieces of Otherkin nature and Therian nature but I didn't want to make it on the nose, instead creating unique, new ways to portray these beings.) Not going to lie, I spent at least 4 hours actually typing this.

    Now The Supernal Beasts are perhaps on the less human side of the clade spectrum, only things less human than them would be Angels and Demons, and possibly Deus depending on how you view them. 





    I am Glorious.
    I am Immaculate.
    I am Flawless.


    We are Sublime.

    We are Exquisite.

    We are PERFECTION.


                   The Shapechangers (Also known as Were-Beasts, or Shapeshifters) are essentially the werewolves and other animals of myths. The moon has no important sway over the Shapechangers, and in fact almost every single one can change their shape at will. A Shapechanger will always have one form that they were born with known as the Totemic Self. This is different than a normal animal however, as it's an abstract representation of the animal self that exists within them. When changing in normal reality however, they can only take on what is known as Animalistic Reflection, which is the earthly reflection of that Totemic Self. A Shapechanger's Totemic Self is going to be spirit like, abstract, and inhuman, but normally they cannot utilize that form on Earth, as they would collapse upon themselves as the spiritual pressure of our reality will shove them back into their human form, or their Animalistic Reflection.

                   So, as an example, the Shapechanger, Valerie, who's Totemic Self is The Winged Shadow Who Dances With Flames, a crow Shapechanger. Without some sort of other unnatural features at play, she could only take the form of a normal crow in our world. As a Shapechanger rises in power, they are able to now learn new forms (very difficultly however as it involves altering their Totemic Self, which can drastically alter personality,) and learn to open up the spectrum of their shapechanging. Once they begin to open the shifting spectrum they can take three new levels between their human self, and the Animalistic Reflection.

                   The first level between the two is called the Anthromorph. The Shapechanger can assume a form that combined some of the traits of their Totemic Self onto their human form. Making them still humanoid enough to pass for human (in poor lighting, or at a distance, possibly with concealing clothing.) Using Valerie, The Winged Shadow Who Dances With Flames, her nails would become more talon like, her bones would grow lighter, her hair suddenly with feathers entwined with her natural hair, if not outright replacing it.

                   In the mid level known as Embraced Instinct the form is the harmony between the human form and the animal form, they are monstrous, far larger than a human. The are humanoid but not human appearing. You cannot mistake them for human if you can see them at all. They are both much more powerful in this form, and very comfortable in it, though it tends to push them towards acting out their instincts, combined with human emotions, and negative emotions tend to overwhelm positive ones in this form, combined animal brutality with human cruelty. With Valerie, she would be a humanoid crow, her arms turned into wings, though with wicked talons and hands at the end of them. Her legs would be humanoid in appearance only, her feet would end in talons, but still the most useful combination of crow feet and human feet. Her skin would be completely covered in feathers, her face would be completely crow-like, beak and all, though her eyes would still appear human, and she can speak still, albeit with guttural inflections and frustration as the animal mouth isn't made for human speech.

                   The Next form would be Theriomorph, much more like the Animalistic Reflection, but larger and more dangerous. Many would classify this state as creating "Dire" animals.

                   There seem to be many more mammals among the ranks of the Shapechangers, but that is not exclusive to other types of animals. There have been no verifiable occurrences of large animals such as elephants, whales, or other animals of that caliber. Many Shapechangers think that it might have to do with the size difference, so if they were giants those animals might show up among them, which many find odd, and assume there must be Shapechangers of these types as smaller animals have shown up among their numbers, even insects, though they are very rare already.

                   Shapechangers though have access to a very interesting form of power, known as Arete from the Greek word meaning "excellence." They improve their bodies to the highest caliber to embody Arete, they sharpen their minds to achieve Arete, they hone their social skills to reach Arete. Whatever a Shapechanger sets there mind to, Arete will push them to become the best at it there could be.

                   Their abilities, codified Arete called forth by their inherent connection to forms both human and animal, are called Supremacies. When channeled through actions that are synchronized through Arete, they can push themselves to do things that by all accounts they should not be able to do, achieving the impossible through the embodiment of Arete, their Perfection, their Excellence, their Majesty.

                   A Shapechangers considers themselves to be inherently better than others based on this connection. This isn't to say that a Shapechangers isn't able to view others positively, in fact it's encouraged. As inherent perfect, they suffer from Noblesse Oblige, they must push themselves to be better for the ones who are not, obviously, as perfect as they. They must suffer for the common good, being beacons of perfection among those who will never reach the heights of Arete they have reached. This is not to say that some Shapechangers don't have massive superiority complexes, served with a side of them being massive assholes, but it's definitely frowned upon, though not strictly enforced.

                   As a Shapechanger's Arete reaches higher and higher, they begin to form Supremacies towards abstract actions, essentially using their own perfection and excellency to enforce their desires upon the world around them, using their Totemic Self as the springboard to become the best life-form that could exist. Back to Valerie again, now that her Arete is so refined, she decides to start codifying what she calls "Supremacy Of Flames" based on her Totemic Self's connect with fire as The Winged Shadow Who Dances With Flames. To her mind, she is superior to fire itself, and naturally it should do as she commands. She is so convinced of her perfection, even towards fire, she essentially is able to control fire, start and stop fires, be unharmed by fire, speak with fire, and eventually become fire.

                   The levels that Supremacies can reach can truly become so abstract they are essentially reality warping.

                   Shapechangers have a unique form of magically enhanced items of power, known as Apexes. These items are so charged with Arete, either by their very nature, being excellent examples of said object, or by the Shapechanger investing Arete into the item, making it the paragon of its type of items. Every Apex will function superior to an item of the same type, being much more perfect than it's inferior counterparts. An Apex Gun would never have to be cleaned, never worry about jamming, the kickback would always be much more manageable, it would steady the hand using it, and would always shoot much more accurately than a normal gun, and each bullet would hit much harder. An Apex of any type is simply perfect, much like the Shapechanger, compared to the flawed examples of the faulty items it would be, much to its own chagrin, grouped with.

                   This also leads to an interesting point that Apexes that have absorbed so much Arete by their own nature and exposure to the Shapechanger begin to grow their own sentience, as an expression of their own perfection.

                   Once the Shapechanger is able to start utilizing abstract Supremacies, they can inject the essence of those Supremacies into their Apexes, allowing them much more power and straight up magic, if they hadn't already been working towards abstract Supremacies of their own. Which, beware, Apexes can eventually rebel if not used in a way that enhances its Arete.

                   Once its Arete is high enough to use abstract Supremacies, it can begin to develop what is known as "Supremacy Of Users" which at low levels allows it to control those who wield it if they aren't strong enough, and at mid levels allows it to wield itself, and at high enough levels to create a mortal body to inhabit to wield itself more efficiently.

                   Apexes, much like the Shapechangers who use them, can be very dangerous is pissed off.






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    ;: )  ;: )  ;: ) WE ARE ALREADY WATCHING ( :;  ( :;  ( :;

    :: (  :: (  WE ARE ALREADY CLOSE  ) ::  ) ::

    >:: ) WE ARE ALREADY THERE ( ::<

             Cryptids are odd beings created by the fluctuations of "Weird Reality." They were at one point beings of urban legends and folklore that were conjured into reality through Telluric Energy warping reality as it passed.

                   Telluric Energy is a source of much weirdness throughout the world, as it can create things that shouldn't exist. Cryptids are being crafted by this energy, who somehow were able to sustain their own existence without the strong Telluric Energy that created them, by weaving human bodies to hide in.

                   Humans are special among the races of the planet in that they are lightning rods for Telluric Energy, perhaps because they can recognize "weird" events and circumstances, this recognition creates a paradox. Does weird reality exist because we perceive it, or does it exist without human perception marking it as "weird?"

                   These beings, things like the Mothman, Bigfoot, unnatural hybrids, mutants, and weird creatures not yet seen by the world.

                   Their human form is made once the Telluric Energy Pulses that created them pass. They use the last burst of that energy to create a human life to hide behind, essentially shoving themselves into normal reality behind the pretend life of their human self.

                   They suddenly gain new memories of a human life, as some of their Cryptid memories fade, making it seem like a dream, or a misremembered recollection. Families, houses, records, everything that a new being would need to pretend it had always been there warp into being, and reality itself takes a double take as it suddenly has an entirely new life that it didn't remember being there only moments earlier is now there, pretending like it has always belonged. Reality, and most other humans then shrugs and says to itself "Eh, I probably just wasn't paying attention. I was sure though that that place was an empty lot before. And I know I went to school with them, but I feel like I don't know them at all. Weird."

                   As one can tell, Cryptids in one word would be "Weird."

                   Some Cryptids completely lose the knowledge of what they were before they weirdified themselves into a human, and essentially believe themselves to be human, during this period, the fluctuations of Telluric Energies around them calm down, making them only slightly more weird than normal people, one day though, those memories will surface again, and the Telluric Energy will kick itself off in a big storm, causing crazy, impossible, and downright WEIRD! things to happen to them.

                   Now, as a human, as they have consigned themselves into being, attract Telluric Energy, this constant flow is what allows the Cryptids to maintain their existence, and nothing can stop that now. But they can also take on their true forms by using excess Telluric Energy to weirdify the local reality to the point that it becomes a Weird Zone which allows them to temporarily shove their human body, metaphorically, behind their true form.

                   This allows them to wield Enigmas, their own personal Telluric Energy Fields to achieve specific results, usually through weirdification, which causes unnatural circumstances, and occurrences to manifest.

                   As beings of Telluric Energy, they are naturally at home in Weird Zones and can manipulate them much more efficiently, which makes it much harder for other supernatural powers to work properly, making a Cryptid who has spent time reinforcing a Weird Zone much more control over the weird, and unnatural events that go on around them.

                   No matter how much a Cryptid might want to be normal, the flux of Telluric Energies around them make reality much more unstable, and cause weird things to happen around them much more than anyone else would.

                   Some humans are naturally tuned to Telluric Energy, and can sense the flux of it around Cryptids, making them able to sense that something is completely different about them that others would be forced to not notice by the Cryptid's natural Enigmas, naturally making them efficient at tracking them. These people are either known as Telluric Sensitives, or Cryptozoologists. Weirdly enough, these Telluric Sensitives can actually store Telluric Energy themselves, unconsciously making use of Enigmas and Mysteries, and if they store enough without realizing, they might trigger a Telluric Storm, causing them to become a Cryptid.

                   Cryptids are able to conjure, or empower items, into Mysteries, which function like weird artifacts which can trigger Telluric Storms themselves, as well as projecting self-powering Weird Zones making them invaluable to Cryptids who seek to use their Enigmas and enhance their Weird Forms.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~THE MYTHIC BEASTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    We are more than what we appear.

    We are more powerful than we let on.

    The self that fights us will be the self that gives in to our will.

    The self that seeks to control us will give up its power to us.

    We will never give in, and we will always be more than what others believe us to be.

    Our MYTH will stay strong eternal!

                  The Mythic Beasts (Sometimes called Monsters, or Divine Beasts) are much like the Cryptids in that they are ensconced inside human bodies to protect against the spiritual pressure of the mortal world, but they are different in that they have existed much longer than even they realize.

                   Mythic Beasts exist simultaneously in the mortal world, within a mortal body, as well as in a spiritually active world that overlaps with our world through the bodies of these beings.

                   This spirit world used to be much closer to our reality, and crossed over very often, through which these beings could step through physically, creating the myths of dragons, phoenixes, elementals, and other beings such as they.

                   The Mythic Self in question, for reasons unknown to them as humans, decided to incarnate itself into the modern world, the reason is forgotten upon their birth. They connect themselves with a person after which should the person in question copulate with a person of the opposite sex they will become pregnant and give birth to the now mortal Mythic Beast. This severs the connection to the spirit reality they originated from, pulling their soul, and by extension their spiritual body, to our dimension and inside the newly born human.

                   All memories of their previous existence are locked away since the human mind wouldn't be able to process them (Though some have a more innate connection with those memories unlocking them at a later age.) Now the Mythic Mortal as they are known may seem completely normal through their youth and adolescence, or may be very odd and exhibit signs of their... difference, but either can result in powerful Mythic Beasts.

                   Now that they have regained their powers, they have found themselves driven by inhuman urges, and desires, ones that the human self cannot comprehend, much less completely deny. It seems that many Mythic Beasts are tasked with goals that seem to be towards bringing their Mythic Self forth into this reality.

                   No one agrees as to why, but many agree that this might not be as good as the Mythic Self makes it out to be. Unfortunately for a Mythic Beast who's Mythic Self creates urges towards actions that are fundamentally against the mortal's own morals, for the more the human half resists the urges, the greater the potential for the Mythic Self to inflict spiritual agony, as well as physical pain upon them, to break their wills and give up control to the Mythic Self

                   A Mythic Beast's Mythic Self is spiritually surrounding the human shell, much like a spiritual suit of armor. Other Mythic Beasts are able to see the Mythic Self of others without any effort, though other supernatural beings can see them if they can break through the waves of spiritual folding that the Mythic Beast now is subjected to thanks to its human birth.

                   Mythic Beasts are able to drag forth their true spiritual might using their Legacies, channeling their ancient might, their spiritual prowess through the Mythic Self that surrounds them. This makes their lower end Legacies invisible because the Mythic Self is effecting reality without regards to the physical body. So a dragon would be able to claw through wood with either their bare fingers, or without completely touching it, though the wood will still show claw marks. A phoenix might walk through a raging inferno, and the flames will part based upon the Phoenix's Mythic Self leaving the silhouette of the phoenix repelling the fire. And a Thunderbird would find they can jump far higher than normal humans and fall much slower, almost flying.

                   At higher levels the Mythic Beast begins to pull the Mythic Self directly onto mortal body, coalescing a spiritually material body to function through. This isn't the same as a fully material body, while the human side is in control, the Mythic Self will begin to inflict pressure upon the psyche to relinquish control to it to play in this world, indulging their inhuman whims, desires, and vices. Beings like them are alien in thoughts, sometimes desiring things that involve torture and horror for their fun. 

                   But the human self does have the potential to win the fight and begin to forcibly alter their Mythic Self more to their tastes, though it is not easy by any account.

                   Mythic Beasts are able to instill mythical abilities and Legacies into Relics or Treasures creating the kind of items one would expect to get from Mythic Beasts from stories. Flaming swords, talking phones, force field projecting backpacks, and the like.

                   As long as it fits the "theme" of the Mythic Beast, and they have the power and resources to make items that befit their station, then the skies the limit with Relics and Treasures.


                  The Enlightened Artists: Magi, Espers, and Technomancers

                   The Supernal Beasts: Shapechangers, Cryptids, and Mythic Beasts

                   The Children Of Kur: Vampires, Spectres, Phantoms, Ghosts, and Revenants 

                   The Courtiers Of The Otherside (The Fae): The Formorians, The Tuatha De Dannaan, The Fir Bolg, And The Dark Court

                   The Goetic Messengers (Demons): Children of Erebus, Children Of Avernus, Children Of Purgatorio, Children of Dis, Children Of Gregori, Children of Yggdrasil, Children of The Judges, and Children Of Pandæmonium

                   The Seraphic Host (Angels): Choir of Paradiso, Choir of Empyrea, Choir of Keter, Choir of Quiphoth, Choir Of Gaia, Choir of Nirvana, Choir of Avalon, and the Choir of Monad

                   The Deus (Godly Beings)

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    Recent Entries

    Laptop's hard-disk met its maker after a decade holding strong (Can you believe Win 7 already that old?) I have a phone in the mean time.

    Only now I realise how mandatory is a comfortable seat and screen that can hold whole discussions (there's lots here to get back to!), to reference others and compile my thoughts..

    Can probably rig up a live USB / Live CD of some GNU/Linux flavour in mean time and give the thing a few more years of life as a web browser/text processor.

    Until then[...]


  6. Latest Entry

    Otherkin Volg 3


    I had just realized I haven't done this in a while... But having parents that do not support me in almost anything, sucks....

    I try to be nice, I try to be a good child....  But I just suck....  if I were them, I would have sold me to a orphanage already.

    my parents found out about kinmunity....  it did not end well.  I do not like talking about it, unless its with someone privately...  But I will say, that I hate them.  They are stressful.. and a pain in the ass.  My mom took half of my room, and "cleaned" it then through away things that I did not want her too.  She didn't ask me if she could through somethings away.... but she did anyway.  She sucks the life out of me.   I help her with her anxiety, I do lots of things for her, but she still treats me like shit.

    I cannot wait to leave my house.  As soon as I am 17 I am out of there.

    Sorry... this post was more a vent then a volg entry...


    10:54 AM ~ 5/21/2019


  7. I got to thinking and I realized some stuff:

    A). I have an aesthetic appreciation of deserts and their symbolism (and also due to some religious stuff I don't wanna disclose since I'm still pretty agnostic; only one person on here will know what I mean)
    B). There actually is a "desert" in Maine

    What's that got to do with anything? It mostly has to do with the fact that the idea of myself being a western coyote feels forced. Me being a coyote feels right, unforced. It's just that western coyote self-image was forced. Before you say it doesn't matter, it does matter. There's a difference between eastern coyotes & western coyotes in appearances and vocalizations and ecology as well as behavior. If I let myself just exist, everything falls into place as matching up with eastern coyotes. My behaviors & desires, my vocalizations, my phantom all matches up.

    While probably not exactly correlated, my dreams in which I am a coyote involve forests and other coyotes. And you know what? Those other coyotes sure look a lot like coywolves (ask me about the coyote dream that sticks to me despite having it years ago and I will write a blog entry about it). If I was a desert coyote, wouldn't I have dreams about deserts and western looking coyotes? I'd think so. My dreams never take place in deserts, though. Well, I had one dream taking place in a desert but it wasn't a coyote dream. So, I'm changing some stuff up on here to better reflect this realization. Still as coyote as ever. Just realized I have a bit of wolf & dog in the mix, too. The puzzle pieces have clicked and this section of the puzzle that is me is complete.

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    Recent Entries

    The system is all characters i created (ocs)

    Host is me ( ref :

    Here we go

    76b4a8ad6d449d7.thumb.png.d1de4032f73ef9bc176698c00b61d199.png H the Dragon (art by someone on pixilart,not saying names for privacy reasons) 

    Species: Dragon (duhhh)

    Gender: Non bi

    Sexuality: Unknown

    Age: 14

    A friend dragon that loves male pronouns but he prefers "their" "them" "they",He is always questioning life and his identity.He is a tulpa created in 2019

    c5b1590a36ed785.thumb.png.93cb82271568605e7ce23ff2a998f181.png Clicker the amazon dragon

    Species: Amazon dragon

    Gender: Female

    Sexaulity: Bisexual

    Age: 18 (200 in dragon years)


    A kind heart and loving dragon,clicker helps her host when shes depressed or when she has  a anxiety attack.she is playful but can be very annoying at times.She was created in 2018


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    Recent Entries

    Since I'm starting this blog near the end of my current semester, I figured a recap post was called for. 

    This is my first semester at college. Due to some complications I'll cover in a different post, I wasn't able to start college the semester right after graduation—which is why my first semester is in the spring. I started off by taking four classes: English, engineering, trigonometry, and public speaking. I ended up dropping the trig class because the grading policies were kinda sketch, so it's down to three. I'm doing well in public speaking and engineering, but my grade in English is struggling since that and math seem to be what my learning disabilities affect the most. 

    I've had times where I flourished and times where I struggled throughout grade school, but my last two years of high school were very rough, which were what eventually lead to my diagnoses in my senior year. Having gone through almost the entirety of grade school undiagnosed really messed up my sense of self-esteem and self-worth—but again, that's a topic I'll discuss deeper another time

    I'm hoping to update this blog with my progress and important notes at least once a week, and given I'll be taking my second English class (if I pass the first) and retaking trig this summer, that shouldn't be a problem 😊

    I look forward to sharing my journey with you all, and feel free to comment with any questions below 😸

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    Recent Entries

    Shoutout and welcome back to K1-b0!

    He was absent for about three weeks, and I was concerned he had left the system completely, but today he reappeared. Him coming back was slow, gradual, and I doubted he would make it past his quiet co-conscious state, but to my pleasant surprise, he came closer and closer until he took front. I am so proud of K1-b0 for returning, for despite my skepticism of his mere existence while he was away and while we were co-con, he was able to regain confidence and present as himself shamelessly, and I was able to let him.

    Part of his confidence boost was thanks to our new friend, who we were concerned would not accept him, but thankfully did. While K1-b0 was co-con and I was openly inviting him to front, I warned our friend that K1-b0 was present with me, separate from me, and might front and want to be recognized. I stressed a bunch that they would not accept me or K1-b0 and recognize us as us and that it would send K1-b0 back into dormancy, but... Thankfully, the fear was unnecessary. This friend - who was already kin friendly - was kind enough recognize us as separate individuals and spoke to K1-b0 as his own individual when he did take front and announced himself to them.

    So, K1-b0 had a warm welcome to front. He was able to enjoy socializing with a new friend, and most of all he got to enjoy being himself. But aside from just being happy that he has returned, I am especially thankful for what he did in front. While in front, K1-b0 soon got up, full of motivation and energy, and took it upon himself to do chores. He started laundry, cleaned up the bedroom, and then fed the body a proper meal. Without him using his time, energy, and motivation in front to do these helpful things, I may not have done any of it. I very likely would have just had another depressed, unproductive day with more skipped meals. I was exhausted after he stepped out of front, but I was still moved enough by his efforts that I have continued his work, and I'm taking better care of myself and my surrounding, all thanks to K1-b0.

    So thank you, deeply, K1-b0, and welcome back. 

    - Pony

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    Recent Entries

    Hello again, fellow therians and kin!

    I have some exciting news!

    I have been working on a project of mine quite frequently.

    I am extremely excited to announce this!

    Anyway, let me get to the point!

    I have started a therian group in my province, which also has a website designed by myself!

    Here's the link if anyone wants to check it out!

  8. Lately I've been doing a bit more research on cab horses from the late 1800s to the mid 1900s, and have found that most carriages, cabs, etc. were drawn by larger draft horses such as Clydesdales and Shires. I will do a bit more research and see if I find either of them fitting. I will probably do some research on other breeds of draft horses as well.

    I've started questioning Morab as opposed to just being an Arabian. I've felt that lately just labeling myself as an Arabian horse hasn't felt quite correct. I will probably do some more research on Morabs and I will probably look into other Arabian crossbreeds too.

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    Recent Entries

    Alrighty, well, it’s been a while since I made my last post and I think I’ve got plenty of things to talk about, since plenty of things happened in the recent days. It’s mostly psychology though with some things left out, because otherwise I wouldn’t get done writing this in days. Obviously this is pretty personal and as you can see, long.

    After posting the last entry, I’ve been struck with anxiety. It’s one of those occasions where you post something, and all you can do is to put that palm on your face and dramatically ask yourself what you’ve done. I don’t know, that always used to be an issue for me. Well, as of a few days ago, I'm hoping that this is no more.

    Context, insights and conclusions

    Now, I brought up anxiety, and that is where it all started. Along with it, more information and insights followed suit in relatively rapid succession. The realization that I had anxiety in the first place was pretty important because, how do you act against something you don’t even acknowledge? There also used to be a personal conundrum I and someone relevant have been wondering about. I told them that I felt like there’s some sort of wall in my chest, and whatever is behind said wall, it really wants to get out and has the potential of bringing about great change, whatever that means. I was asked to think about what that wall is, that was earlier this year and I could never put my finger on it. With realizing that I’ve got anxiety, I think I not only found out what that “wall” is, but also managed to damage it.

    It sounds strange that you wouldn’t know about these things, especially when you’re pretty introspective already. I actually don’t think it was a lack of awareness, I think it was a somehow deliberate but unconscious choice to deny it. I wouldn’t know why, perhaps it’s just the nature of such things, to make you deceive yourself and ignore the fundamental truth, like a parasite attempting to preserve its place in its host.

    Anyway, I’ve been in this messy situation for a very, very long time spanning multiple years. It all started out when I was released from a dorm, for lack of a better word, where I was sent because I had lots of bad experiences and horrible climates that I couldn’t handle, both in school and at home, which had the side-effect of me missing almost a total of two years from school. The department responsible for difficult kids like yours truly saw it necessary to send me there, neither I nor my parents had any say in that.

    The dorm was like a second home, its people like a second family when I left after four years. I had no friends back at my actual home, I was dropped into another sequence of bad experiences and my contact with my old environment cut off fairly rapidly. Back then I solely relied on this supportive environment to give me confidence and self-worth, something I didn’t have here, which meant that I allowed fears to fester and grow. Enough that it got completely out of hand.

    For the longest time, I’ve not even been a fraction of my former self. Young me was charismatic, intelligent, well spoken, easily made all sorts of friends, was highly reliable, an inspiration to some and an active influencer, someone with brimming potential to excel in more ways than just one. Compare that to my shy, perpetually intimidated, fragile, isolating, silent and aimless self that had holes in his memory left and right and took ages to finish a sentence, it becomes a difference between day and night. It weren’t the friends I’ve lost, they had moved on as everyone does and I’ve let them, it was myself that was the biggest loss.

    Fear completely consumed me just a few years after I got home, it was a lingering process and I’ve not always been this introspective, so this wasn’t something I could easily detect on my own. It got to the point where I not just censored what I said and wrote, I censored my being, or what’s left of it. I became bitter, frustrated, I got angry easily, at the later stages I’ve almost gone bonkers in certain periods.

    This censorship came with another consequence that had the ability to fester, and it was a belief. I looked at my old image album the dorm gave me before my departure, and the thought was that young me was dead, gone, and that I have to carry on as someone else. I became so convinced that people can change on such an incredibly fundamental level that, in the end, what’s left is a completely different identity with only name and appearance being a reminder of old days. Now, I could’ve just looked at my brother and reminded myself that he’s been a dork, same as ever, but it would only occur to me later when I took a step back and analyzed the big picture that was my past. Therein I saw patterns, sets of behaviors and actions that repeated themselves in both the recent and distant past, which clearly are all part of a whole identity, proving my bizarre beliefs wrong.

    While it’s great to have realized this, there are more questions to answer and more problems to solve, one of which was a deep passion that I’ve lacked for the longest time, one that would serve as a compass which I could use throughout life, perhaps to create a fulfilling one. I do have hobbies, but those are means to keep the insanity at bay, I never understood the obsession with trying to turn a hobby into a job and I’m not sure I could handle most of my hobbies if they were jobs. I looked back at my previous post and what I wrote, that I should live and not idly ponder because it only gets me this far. I still stand true to it, but I decided to expand on the living part, and instead of just living, I wanted to know how I used to live.

    That’s where another problem was solved and such a “compass” was found. Throughout life, I’ve been someone to take initiative, a doer. If I didn’t like something, I went and fixed it myself. Frankly I have the habit of being dissatisfied with a lot, and although that might sound like a negative trait, it can be harnessed. Not just that, but by looking back I’ve also seen that on a few occasions I’ve demonstrated an affinity for leadership. What’s more is that I’ve been incredibly passionate about these things whenever I had a chance to combine and exercise them, a kind of passion that I don’t think I’ve ever seen in myself. I think the reason why I never thought of it before was simply my complete lack of self-worth and confidence.

    What this revelation had was meaning, and so I move on to another potentially closed chapter. In my previous post I might have mentioned that whatever I set out to do in order to improve things for myself, like a schedule, it always came to a sudden stop. Well, when life is bereft of meaning, how could it not? I had the will to improve, but what for? That is where the dots slowly stop connecting, but I did notice one more thing which helps me with the aforementioned, and that are the steps I took in order to get where I was before everything went to hell. I think they’re replicable to some extent, and it will require a whole lot of patience and persistent work, but I think after all these years I should have patience aplenty.

    Now, lastly, I’ve been thinking about this self-finding I constantly wrote about. Based on what I wrote before, that I just thought myself dead, I don’t think finding the self was actually my intention. I think I wanted to find something that was inherently not me, something better than me, that could give me the strength to carry on. Now where I’ve had all these thoughts, I’ve not been feeling the urge to find anything at all. Doesn’t mean that I think there aren’t “other” things to find, and I have reasons to suspect that I have, but everything in due time. I think before I seriously start with that, I should take care of what’s vital: the big part of myself I've disassociated from and abandoned, which ultimately caused so much damage.

    The changes

    My emotional landscape definitely did change a lot. In a very, very weird way that I just can’t really describe, because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. So, most of the time I experience emotional distance now, but not in the sense that I’m emotionally dead, but rather that I don’t feel the weight of them in my chest. I can still sense them in a way, but not quite “feel” them, it’s more of a faint awareness rather than an urge or compulsion. At least in the majority of cases, certain anger for example can still be felt, but even that dissipates fairly quickly. That emotional change is especially true for music. It used to have huge emotional impact on me, the main reason why I appreciated it so much, but now I don’t really feel anything anymore, only in seemingly random, weak and very short bursts. I still appreciate it loads though, but I have no idea how or why. I don’t really understand what’s happened here.

    What’s more is that every move I make is infused with a goal, meaning if you will, unlike before. I can go about my self-imposed duties without the thought of "why am I doing this?". My fluency in language has returned to me somewhat, no idea how that happened, but it's great to have regardless. I’ve gained back a degree of confidence I’ve not seen in a while and I have this really strange determination. It used to be that, if I would have to talk to important people, high standing members of a company or institution, I’d be getting plenty nervous. It’s just gone now. Mostly. Of course, anxiety is still a thing, but I think I have it on a relatively firm leash now.

    Now, I can’t tell whether these changes are permanent, although I certainly do hope so because they’re nothing but positive. “False positives” usually only last a day or two, after which the effects will disappear, and I had that a lot. In this instance though, these effects have lasted much longer now and only fluctuate seemingly randomly but never disappear.

    A glimpse at the future

    The word “future” was missing in my vocabulary for far too many years, life was nothing but a river with a fast current, and I’ve been in the middle of it all, not caring where it goes. Well I think that changed now.

    My educational status and qualifications are fairly low, making it very difficult to find “satisfying” occupation where I can actually do something more profound, but I have looked at possibilities to change that, perhaps to even get far enough to be permitted to study. I have made vague plans already that I’d like to flesh out over the coming months and execute sometime next year, working on other aspects of myself in the meantime. There are also plans to get among people again with certain meets and by finding myself some local communities.

    Not every problem is fixed, it's not just rainbow and pixie dust from now on and I can see a plenitude of hurdles to overcome before I remotely get where I'd like to stand, but over these last three years I've only made progress and if I'm correct in my faith and in my assessment, this might well be the start of a significant turning point. Of course, there's no guarantee that a 180 won't happen again, but I choose to believe that it won't come to that.

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  9. Latest Entry


    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: male

    Species: catnine (catlike canine hybrid)

    Status: main sona (formerly), status to-be-determined


    Pronouns: he/him

    gender: malw

    species: lynx

    status: background/extra


    pronouns: he/him

    gender: male

    species: dog

    status: background/extra


    Pronouns: he/him

    Gender: none

    species: Dutch angel dragon

    status: main


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    Recent Entries

    Over a year ago we recognized that myself, Iros, Farly, Faylinn, Icarus, and Mimi are a subsystem. This created much confusion in terms of who we are, our fictotypes very much included. Though it did take us a few months until we got to the point where we could accurately identify who is in our subsystem, for the most part we assumed our fictotypes were shared. 

    With a year past, through self grilling and examining our identities more closely, we may not actually be shared with our fictotypes. Our fictotypes divide very evenly among our subsystem with me going to Goner Kid, Iros going to Mew, Farly and Faylinn going to Tinkerbull, Webber going to Icarus, and Mimi going to Matt. With this we may not be polykin with multiple shared fictotypes, but rather one kintype and one fictotype. 

    Then we're realizing we may not actually be a subsystem at all, but rather a collection of system members who temporarily fused (perhaps integrated?), and although we share a deep connection to each other we might not be a subsystem. Because of this, we're going to try to drop the subsystem brackets. We're also going to try to work on our system spreadsheet to remove our subsystem and place ourselves in the correct locations. 

    We still have much to examine among ourselves. We might be wrong, but for now this feels like the best option, and there's nothing wrong with being wrong. Our group is of course still close and we're definitely still going to work together even if not a subsystem like we originally thought. 

    -Max [Reptilian + Goner]

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    Recent Entries

    Introduction - series

    Hello and welcome to my first blog post! I figured I'd set things off by beginning a sort of mini-series. Each blog post will be dedicated to each of the 'kins' I believe I have. I say 'believe I have' because that is the purpose of this series: to weed out the ones that are not, in fact, past lives (I'm a spiritual kin). I know a human, non-fictional past life does not count as a kin, but I might include that as well, since it's part of who I am, and in my mind, it's much of the same thing. In each post I will detail and narrate from the moment I first started wondering if I might be that character to today, including (but not limited to!) shifts (whether they be shifts or just my imagination) and all they include, memories, and knowledge. I shall also do my best to include both doubts and beliefs. These blog posts are all open for comment and such things from the community; indeed, it is the sole purpose of posting this here. I'd like feedback and your thoughts, as well as help to try and figure out why these characters call out to me, if they're not a past life (for there is a reason I'm called to them all). 

    Introduction - today's character

    Today we - that is, I - tackle my Awakening and the first character I truly felt a resonance with. It is a character I believe you should be familiar with, solely because of the widespread memes. My introduction to kin was, indeed, the Grinch. To be more specific, the 2018 animated version - I feel no connection to the other Grinches. This is one of my strongest kins, and one of the few I am quite sure is, indeed, me. The reason I have Grinch in this series is truly only to include all my kins, and to sort out what I know, what I think, and what I believe.

    It begins!

    By the time I saw the Grinch (mid-November, 2018) I was already aware of what it meant to be kin. I had recently made somewhat-close friends with a fictkin, and they’d taken the time to patiently explain to me what it meant. I believed in it – I’ve always had an open mind – accepted it, and moved on.

    Already before I saw the movie I knew I was going to enjoy it. I had never really liked the live-action version (I felt the Grinch was too… crude – in a way, almost too angry), but something about this animated version called out to me. When I saw the movie, however, there was an almost instant sense of recognition. Not only because I was familiar with the plot, thanks to the live-action movie, but also because of everything that happened and existed and surrounded the main story. It felt somewhat intimate, in a way, as though I was watching a movie about myself (without quite realizing it, personally). The breaking moment, I think, was when Grinch had the panic attack on-screen. I’ve struggled with them for some time myself, and although that is not a kin thing at all, it felt intimately familiar to me.

    When I exited the theatre I was shaken. Already there was a teeny tiny sliver of thought in me that the Grinch might be me, but I dismissed the idea as foolish. Once I got home, the first thing I did was start to rant and ramble about the movie with some friends of mine. Looking back at it now, I realize I was far more touched than I let on, and that I led that bleed into my words. I was already saying things that were far from headcanons (because I knew them, in my heart, to be true) and still things that had not been mentioned in the movie.

    If you know me even just a tiny bit, you know how much I love my angst. I love writing it, I cope by writing it, and it’s a calming and amusing (to the extent paining others can be…) passion for me. So of course, after seeing the movie (and filled with so many thoughts!) I went ahead and wrote an angsty fanfiction. I was certain the Grinch had a name other than ‘Grinch’, and settled on Felix (I have later, through meditation, figured it out to be Louis, or Lewis, or Louie, or something similar). By the time I came half-way through the fic, however, I nearly had to stop. It was getting to me in a way no angst had ever gotten to me before. This was when the suspicions started to settle for real – it felt, time and time again, like I would slip into first person while writing. I was not writing about a fictional character. I was writing about myself.

    I got flashes of almost-memories, things I was certain were true. I browsed ‘the grinch’ on the Internet, and lots of what I found felt… wrong, to me. This comes from me, who generally accepts pretty much anything in regards to fandom. With the Grinch, however, I would look at a gay pairing and go “…no? That’s not even right.” As for Donna, I didn’t ship her and the Grinch. I knew they had married. I craved salty food more than usual, and found Christmas lights and trees to be a trigger for my panic attacks. I was grumpier than usual, and my body dysphoria increased.

    The doubts plaguing me heavily went thusly:

    -        It’s the Grinch. He’s supposed to be relatable.

    -        He’s such a meme-y character? I’m just relating.

    -        Due to my own experience with panic attacks I’m projecting and seeing myself in him.

    -        I’m just looking for attention after a gap of not having it.

    Yet still, I carried the nagging sense that this is me. I am him. He is me. We are the same.

    I kinfirmed a week or so after seeing the movie. It felt right.

    I went and bought a furry shirt in an achingly familiar color. When I put it on and looked at my own arms I felt alive.

    I rediscovered many memories and knowledge later on, sometimes through meditation and sometimes through other things. The things that proved consistent were that I still felt like looking at myself through it all. Also that whenever I found headcanons or fanart or ideas on the internet, I either went “What? How would anyone think that? That’s wrong…?” or “Yes! That’s so right! That’s exactly what it’s like!”

    I have never sought out the movie as though it were a lifeline or an anchor. It has been a thing I could enjoy, and then put aside, and not really think much about – except that I remained the same through it all. I’m not in the Grinch fandom. I rarely interacted with content. I don’t really like the movie, in the way I like my favorite movies.

    I’ve had few Grinch shifts after I first Awakened, but they’ve all felt the same way. Like I’m still me – just a little different.

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