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Introduction - series
Hello and welcome to my first blog post! I figured I'd set things off by beginning a sort of mini-series. Each blog post will be dedicated to each of the 'kins' I believe I have. I say 'believe I have' because that is the purpose of this series: to weed out the ones that are not, in fact, past lives (I'm a spiritual kin). I know a human, non-fictional past life does not count as a kin, but I might include that as well, since it's part of who I am, and in my mind, it's much of the same thing. In each post I will detail and narrate from the moment I first started wondering if I might be that character to today, including (but not limited to!) shifts (whether they be shifts or just my imagination) and all they include, memories, and knowledge. I shall also do my best to include both doubts and beliefs. These blog posts are all open for comment and such things from the community; indeed, it is the sole purpose of posting this here. I'd like feedback and your thoughts, as well as help to try and figure out why these characters call out to me, if they're not a past life (for there is a reason I'm called to them all).
Introduction - today's character
Today we - that is, I - tackle my Awakening and the first character I truly felt a resonance with. It is a character I believe you should be familiar with, solely because of the widespread memes. My introduction to kin was, indeed, the Grinch. To be more specific, the 2018 animated version - I feel no connection to the other Grinches. This is one of my strongest kins, and one of the few I am quite sure is, indeed, me. The reason I have Grinch in this series is truly only to include all my kins, and to sort out what I know, what I think, and what I believe.
By the time I saw the Grinch (mid-November, 2018) I was already aware of what it meant to be kin. I had recently made somewhat-close friends with a fictkin, and they’d taken the time to patiently explain to me what it meant. I believed in it – I’ve always had an open mind – accepted it, and moved on.
Already before I saw the movie I knew I was going to enjoy it. I had never really liked the live-action version (I felt the Grinch was too… crude – in a way, almost too angry), but something about this animated version called out to me. When I saw the movie, however, there was an almost instant sense of recognition. Not only because I was familiar with the plot, thanks to the live-action movie, but also because of everything that happened and existed and surrounded the main story. It felt somewhat intimate, in a way, as though I was watching a movie about myself (without quite realizing it, personally). The breaking moment, I think, was when Grinch had the panic attack on-screen. I’ve struggled with them for some time myself, and although that is not a kin thing at all, it felt intimately familiar to me.
When I exited the theatre I was shaken. Already there was a teeny tiny sliver of thought in me that the Grinch might be me, but I dismissed the idea as foolish. Once I got home, the first thing I did was start to rant and ramble about the movie with some friends of mine. Looking back at it now, I realize I was far more touched than I let on, and that I led that bleed into my words. I was already saying things that were far from headcanons (because I knew them, in my heart, to be true) and still things that had not been mentioned in the movie.
If you know me even just a tiny bit, you know how much I love my angst. I love writing it, I cope by writing it, and it’s a calming and amusing (to the extent paining others can be…) passion for me. So of course, after seeing the movie (and filled with so many thoughts!) I went ahead and wrote an angsty fanfiction. I was certain the Grinch had a name other than ‘Grinch’, and settled on Felix (I have later, through meditation, figured it out to be Louis, or Lewis, or Louie, or something similar). By the time I came half-way through the fic, however, I nearly had to stop. It was getting to me in a way no angst had ever gotten to me before. This was when the suspicions started to settle for real – it felt, time and time again, like I would slip into first person while writing. I was not writing about a fictional character. I was writing about myself.
I got flashes of almost-memories, things I was certain were true. I browsed ‘the grinch’ on the Internet, and lots of what I found felt… wrong, to me. This comes from me, who generally accepts pretty much anything in regards to fandom. With the Grinch, however, I would look at a gay pairing and go “…no? That’s not even right.” As for Donna, I didn’t ship her and the Grinch. I knew they had married. I craved salty food more than usual, and found Christmas lights and trees to be a trigger for my panic attacks. I was grumpier than usual, and my body dysphoria increased.
The doubts plaguing me heavily went thusly:
- It’s the Grinch. He’s supposed to be relatable.
- He’s such a meme-y character? I’m just relating.
- Due to my own experience with panic attacks I’m projecting and seeing myself in him.
- I’m just looking for attention after a gap of not having it.
Yet still, I carried the nagging sense that this is me. I am him. He is me. We are the same.
I kinfirmed a week or so after seeing the movie. It felt right.
I went and bought a furry shirt in an achingly familiar color. When I put it on and looked at my own arms I felt alive.
I rediscovered many memories and knowledge later on, sometimes through meditation and sometimes through other things. The things that proved consistent were that I still felt like looking at myself through it all. Also that whenever I found headcanons or fanart or ideas on the internet, I either went “What? How would anyone think that? That’s wrong…?” or “Yes! That’s so right! That’s exactly what it’s like!”
I have never sought out the movie as though it were a lifeline or an anchor. It has been a thing I could enjoy, and then put aside, and not really think much about – except that I remained the same through it all. I’m not in the Grinch fandom. I rarely interacted with content. I don’t really like the movie, in the way I like my favorite movies.
I’ve had few Grinch shifts after I first Awakened, but they’ve all felt the same way. Like I’m still me – just a little different.
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I have wanted to start a blog for a few weeks now and haven't been sure where to start. Just haven't thought of a good starting place, a place that I felt comfortable sharing my 'kin self with others, until now...
Recently, I began to develop more of an understanding for the history and culture of one of the few parts of my genetic/ethnic background I actually know anything about, that place being Scotland. By blood, I am descended from a lowlands clan of the surname Benfield. By law and by all the family I have known since infancy, I am descended from the highland Stewart clan of the surname Cruickshank. The family history has been something I have clung to since childhood.
After I awakened, I began to get flashes of memory from my past dragonic life, flashes of a life lived in a rugged land flanked on all sides by the sea. Flashes of people speaking a tongue that reminds me of my dragonic self. Slowly the pieces came together, over the course of a year. In my dragonic life, I lived on the British Isles, both Scotland and Ireland.
Cut to this last week. I've wanted to study Scottish history for a long time and finally said now was the time. I researched and bought three books, and two days ago cracked open the first. I found myself within the first chapter transported repeatedly back into memories that haven't seen the light of day, even in the 10 years since I've awakened. Memories filling in gaps that previously I had filled with theories and suppositions. The history unfolded on paper and in my mind, and the book placed dates that my mind could only guess at.
The book spoke of archaeologists unearthing signs of Hunter gatherer groups of people living there since the end of the last great ice age, and this was the first shock of personal memories being dragged out of my long-asleep mind. I saw a flash of the land as it was then, viewed on the wing, swooping low over the water, viewing a world just waking up from a long slumber beneath ice. It felt fitting that this was the first memory to come, as I too feel I am waking from a deep slumber. As I read, a rapid-fire flash of memories, faces, voices, colors, trees, water, food, hunting, mountaintops, lochs, people... All a sort of jumbled mess of brief impressions flashed through my mind and left me reeling. Still I read on, desperate to see what else would surface.
The book told of the rise of farming, the settling of humans into communities with buildings and domesticated animals. It spoke of the felling of ancient forests, gone and forgotten in the modern Scotland. It told of the rise of a primitive form of the famous Scotland Clans, as people bound themselves to one another in loyal family groups. Again I experienced this rapid-fire onslaught of memories, but this time it was more distant... I didn't feel the soul-wrenching feeling of closeness to these people. If anything I felt sad, knowing they were giving up many things for this new way of life. I believe I disapproved.
I read on, the book unfolding the history of Rome's attempts to conquer the British Isles. How they took the lowlands, but were unable to hold the great Glen or the highland hills and mountains. How they built Hadrian's Wall to keep the "barbarian" Pictish tribes, the Painted Ones, from attacking what land they held. I again felt memories stir but these were also distant. I had kept apart from these squabbles of men.
I have read on since then, to the time of the Anglo-Saxon conquest of the land, their eventual settling of a portion of the land after mostly being repelled by the Picts, and now have begun reading of the Viking sacks, raids and takeovers of various portions of the land. I feel yet more and more disconnected now. Memories come as if from a dream, but they do come.
Previously, I believed I lived in the Isles from about the time of Christ until around the time Christianity had begun to take hold there. I believed I lived there a few centuries, and then died at sea in an attempt to save a woman washed overboard from a ship by a storm. But now, I am left to contemplate if I didn't live there much earlier, and several centuries longer.
I want to ponder over this more, perhaps reread what I have already read as well.
I am open to thoughts and impressions on what I have written, and questions for more details as well.
My personal explanation for my other-ness has always been reincarnation, mixed with the multi-universe. I’m not really sure how to explain it outside of just knowing it’s right; I was a dragon in a past life and somehow I managed to (vaguely) remember it, with said dragon still being a part of me. This is probably the best explanation I can give currently, as I haven’t been questioning the why as much as I think I should.
My appearance Ive shared before, but I’ll state again here just so everything can be in one place. This is just a general idea of what I think, however, and it may change slightly as I learn more about myself.I was a bear-sized dragon with pale-gray scales, blue and gray feathered wings, and a blue mane. I’m fairly certain that this “mane” is made up of down feathers rather than fur, but am still figuring that one out. Large black scales dot above each leg and under each eye. I had three-toed paws with gray claws. My overall build is a more boxy, European style.
My home was in a boreal forest, or a taiga. For those unfamiliar with the biome type, boreal forests are mostly made of various species of evergreens, with long harsh winters and deep snow on the ground. Summers were short, but much warmer (and by warm I mean 10 C or 50 F hehe) with lots more vegetation to go around. I lived with a clan here, though I don’t remember much about my clan. Just that they were there, that we protected each other, and that elders would sometimes hibernate. Sometimes the hibernation was just to escape the cold winters, sometimes they lasted years as they just slept. I couldn't tell you how sleeping for several years helped them, but it does seem nice heh.
I spent many a day fishing along a river that cut through our territory, and I have very vague memories of flying to a more tundra-like place for… reasons? I can’t really remember why.
That’s just about all I can remember. Not much about me as a person, or my clan as of now. Hopefully someday I can remember more, however. For as long as I’ve been aware of my otherness, I feel like this is a very large amount to remember and am thankful for that.
Broken and torn by
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I have known that I am not an earthly wolf for quite some time and will try to explain what makes me different below.
I have tried on the identity wolf in the past, and there was a slight disconnection/foreign feeling. Pterolycus/winged wolf feels more correct, as the phantom wings are definitely integrated into this identity. My wing shifts do not feel cameo at all and are quite frequent and strong. I also feel like I should be able to fly, or at least glide, despite never being able to, it feels weird to lack this ability. I also have the ability to "shape-shift" not physically, but phantom, mentally, or metaphysically within meditation. There is a folktale of a winged wolf with the ability to shape-shift, which helps me feel confident with this identity.
During meditation, I am often lead to another world or dimension (not sure which) that feels more "home" than earth does. Perhaps this is where my kin originates from? I feel more like a spiritual being, and not in the sense of just being a spiritual person. I genuinely feel like my kintype might be native to the spiritual or astral plane (or from a place more connected to it than earth is) I'm still questioning this, however.
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Ok so Vegas is huge and awesome and surrounded by mountains!! Only been here a few days but I already know I'm gonna cry when I have to go back to Oklahoma :c
I'll start from the beginning. So I ran away from my family's house on the 19th. Yes, ran away. Packed a bunch of shit into bags and walked a heckin mile to my friend's house (im out of shape ok) in the middle of the night and it was not fun. I left a note to my parents explaining everything like how I'd really felt about them for a long time but felt compelled to lie to them and keep things from them to stay out of trouble. Anyways I got on the plane the next day. Airports are p confusing and when I landed in Vegas I got confused again LOL had a hard time finding the baggage claim, where my bf was waiting for me.
The plane ride was p awesome, a bit scary at first esp bc there was some turbulence, but it was really cool. When the plane started taking off I was like HOLY SHIT WE'RE GONNA FLY and the plane wobbled a lot, which sucked bc I was stuck in between 2 guys lmao. I ended up kinda drifting off a few times on the plane (didn't get any sleep before that) and waking up not long after, but it was still nice and I was SO excited to see Spencer (my bf).
Meeting him was awesome, tho we're both awkward af irl LOL but we hugged for a long time and I just started annoying him with how cool I thought every thing was I've hardly been to any sorta big cities and definitely none THIS big. There's so many ppl and there's like highways that go all throughout vegas, it's crazy to me. But p much everywhere you look if you're up high enough, there's mountains in the distance, and I think that's what surprised me the most. Maybe I just haven't seen enough online about Vegas but I totally thought it was just like, desert and that's it lmao I knew there were mountains somewhere bc Spencer had told me but I didn't know vegas would be SURROUNDED by mountains like that, and they're all close enough that you can see them easily.
Spencer is even more amazing in person we've known each other for like 1 1/2 years now and have been dating for almost half a year. He's so super sweet and wholesome and considerate, and his family is extremely nice too. I'm so so grateful to have him, he's everything I could've asked for and more. We've only been together a few days but we've walked around parks a bit and gone to stores and made awesome food, and it's been great so far. I never wanna leave :c I love him so much.
My family of course hasn't been taking this well. I was surprised that my mom's first reaction was to text me and tell me she loves me, which made me feel really guilty but I knew I shouldn't respond. If they really cared about me they would've let me do things and be a fucking adult a long time ago. I do kinda feel bad for my mom bc ik despite everything I'm sure she does rlly care about me at least to some degree, she just has an odd and harmful (to me) way of showing it. My siblings seem to either not care or are fairly supportive of me at least. I was surprised that one of my sisters was proud of me for rebelling and tried to warn me that my parents were going to have the police detain me, but I was too busy to answer the phone. Anyways they couldn't detain me LMFAO because after all, I'm a fucking adult and not doing anything illegal. Not my fault my parents still think I'm stupid and can't do anything by myself.
I'm trying not to let myself feel sorry for them and guilty for running away like I did and not responding to them. I have to keep reminding myself of all the horrible things they've said and done throughout my life, from teaching me from a young age to not think for myself but not listen to anyone who doesn't agree with my parents, to the time a couple years ago they didnt let me go to an amusement park with my friends I'd known for a while because they didn't trust me to be a responsible adult and not get kidnapped or some shit. No matter what I say to them, it won't matter. They won't change their minds to let me be free and learn and grow normally. I didn't do much fucking growing living like that, lmao.
Anyways, I'm extremely happy, despite a couple "friends" being mad at me for the stupidest reasons, which I'll possibly get into in another post, and a couple days ago Spencer tried to teach me how to skateboard and I fell off LOL my arm still hurts a little, but it's getting better.
Here's a pic of me and my bf!! (Face reveal I guess?)
I'm just so happy. I'm glad I finally got away from my parents.
I thought I'd start a blog here.
Last week I had a weird meditation session. It started off really nice. I left my mind wander and the first place I went was to my cat self. I was in some bushes and was watching a goat outside of them between the leaves. The goat walked off and I left the bushes and ran beside a field of wheat. It was fall and everything was orange.
Then some other stuff happened and towards the end of the session, I decided to go check out my angel self. So was I looking at a representation of this and told one of my headmates that I felt like I was the angel constantly, like this was me in another universe or maybe a higher dimension or something, and that I felt a thick cord leaving the back of my neck and connecting to the angel. I started pulling on the cord (it was made of purple light) and all of a sudden I started spinning. Like my consciousness was tumbling through space. All I could see was a blur of black and green clouds. Then I stopped and the clouds parted like a stage curtain and I saw a huge moon in the desert. There was a mesa and desert plants on the horizon, all silhouetted. Then it was like something grabbed my by the cord again and I was yanked away from that scene and was spinning in the clouds again. I caught some glimpses of things here and there, but I couldn't make anything out.
Then my meditation timer went off and the session ended.
I looked up the spinning online. Apparently this happens a lot. I was worried it might be something dangerous, but it seems to be one of those things that just happens sometimes. But judging from the fact that everyone has a different explanation as to what it is or what causes it, no one knows anything about it beyond the fact that it happens.
In any case, it was weird.