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the kerg is back

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anhinga anhedonia

haha it's a play on words Anyway, that play on words sums up how I'm feeling and have been for a while. Like I just can't enjoy things that require relating to the human perspective. There's a lot of TV to watch but I can't enjoy any of it because I feel so detached from the experiences and feelings it's based on. (Especially if they're gender-specific, for some reason. It's like double bad because I don't relate well to gender divisions and don't relate to most human experience in general) Can't enjoy events. Can't enjoy socialization, even when my normal issues are accounted for. Can't enjoy games. Can't enjoy reading or any of the things I normally enjoy. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at everything. It's normally not this bad, usually I can find a place in human society and experiences somehow if I really force it. But I just...can't, lately. Nothing feels right at all. Trying to make it feel right just makes it worse because now I have to think about it. Everything is so wrong. I could make it stop by trying to "live in the moment," but I can only do that for so long. I can only look at pictures for so long. I can only clear my mind for so long before the voices start flooding back in again and telling me that everything is wrong.



5 AM listening to wistful soundtracks thought

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-nlz5LOZIY Wistful music I am listening to. Yes, it's a game soundtrack. You wake up. It's only been a second since everything went dark. You are alone. Alone with your memories...are those your memories? You don't feel like they are. They feel different. Something isn't right. You remember these memories clearly, but something is...wrong. You are in your house, so you go outside. Nothing looks right, even though you know it is. This is where you live. But you can't believe it. Something is...wrong. You go back inside. You think about what happened before it all went dark. Everything you try to remember is chopped up into little pieces. Smeared about. Trying to pick out your memories- yours, not the false ones- is an impossible task. You stop trying and sit down to watch a show. The show is about a deserted world. This person is the last human on earth. They don't know that. They are confused. They are looking for their loved ones. They're looking for ANYONE. But they can't find anyone. Everyone is dead. Everything is dead. Soon, that person will be dead. It's kind of how you feel. Lonely. Except you are not the last human on earth, in fact, you're surrounded by life. Your feeling is harder to describe. Like you used to have something, but it's all been lost. What have you lost? Can it be found? This is your world, but you do not belong here.



The Stygimoloch and Me

First off, what is a Stygimoloch? I'm not even sure I can pronounce that. It's a non-avian dinosaur. A relative of Pachycephalosaurus. In fact, there's a theory that Stygimoloch represents a variant of Pachycephalosaurus, either a juvenile Pachy or that the two "species" are actually separate sexes of the same dinosaur. It seems that the current popular theory is that Stygimoloch is the intermediate stage of growth between the smallest and least...endowed member of the family, Dracorex, and the fully grown largest member of the family, Pachycephalosaurus. Why does this matter? Alright, background story about me and why I've been looking into this creature. So it always starts with the phantom shifts, and I've had some for years of horns and forehead...thickness and long dinosaur-ish tails. I've also had full-body shifts of some manner of dinosaur-like creature. I began looking into dinosaurs about a year back but couldn't find anything conclusive. (Cassowaries came up but that definitely wasn't it.) I've also had, most often with full-body shifts, a mental change of some sort as well where I suddenly become more, oh what's the word, "instinctual" and "in the moment." This had only happened with cormorant/anhinga shifts before (well that and bear shifts, but that's a different tangent). Most other full-body shifts I get I just feel like a human in a different body. Not so with this dinosaur thing. (Perhaps I've found a reliable way to discriminate between cameos and true shifts. That would depend on confirmation of a few things first.) I kept looking into dinosaurs, but found nothing. I gave up. Fast forward a year and recently I found out about a dinosaur called Stygimoloch! And I had a "holy damn" moment, again, something only experienced with cormorants/anhingas/bears. A "holy damn" moment is when I see an image of an animal and go "wait that thing, that thing looks like me, oh my god what" it makes me feel like realizing you have a twin must feel like. And while reading about it, I found the bit about the growth stages and the debate about whether or not those three (Dracorex, Stygimoloch, and Pachycephalosaurus) are the same thing or not. But besides how comparable this is with my "cormorant" experience, there's another interesting facet that I think could make an interesting overall discussion for any kintype. It raises a few questions. 1. Have you ever presented as a juvenile of your species in any way? I'm asking this because, if the newest popular theory is correct, this means that Dracorex grows into Stygimoloch which grows into Pachycephalosaurus, which would lend a new fascinating facet to my own thing. Earlier, back a few years even before I knew about any of this kin business, I had the phantom shifts of horns and dinosaur features, but no head dome, and smaller overall size. It led me (after finding the community) to consider dragons, but nothing else made sense- no wings (except bird wings of course) and no fire breathing, no magic, no nothing. Looking at Dracorex skulls, this past month...well, that's pretty much exactly what it felt like to me. (And the fun part, Dracorex means "dragon king," so clearly I wasn't the only one thinking those features are dragonlike.) Then more recently, still before I knew about the dinosaurs, I had started feeling bigger and with more of a hard plate of some sort on my forehead. Hard plate on the forehead, dragon-like skull, horns on the back...that's what a Stygimoloch skull looks like. So now I'm wondering if sooner or later I'll start to feel less horns and more forehead dome. 🤣 (Of course, that would be assuming the three really are the same species at different stages. If not, well, maybe something else is going on here) Dracorex Stygimoloch Pachycephalosaurus 2. For those whose species is long extinct and known only through fossil records, what are your feelings about this in general? Did you ever find new evidence about your species that contradicted your experience? I'm mostly curious about this for the simple reason that I hate being wrong. Of course, I feel like if this were to happen, the right thing to do would be to just take a step back and re-evaluate. It wouldn't be that big of a deal, but certainly annoying. It's stuff like this that keeps me from ever conclusively declaring any extinct kintypes, despite my growing and well-established feeling that it may be the case. Alright, well, reading through this I sound a lot more figured out than I actually am. I'm not even close to having any of this figured out. But I thought I'd bring it up, not just to gather my thoughts about this, but also to pose those two questions. Is it weird to "progress" through growth stages like that? Is my experience really consistent with Pachycephalosaurus growth stages? Is that theory about the dinosaur really true and did I just provide an "example" of it without realizing it? Is this Stygimoloch really it? Is it really a kintype? Am I going to grow into a Pachycephalosaurus?


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