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Psychiatrist visit

So I woke up at 7am yesterday, and was surprisingly NOT super tired all day. I actually felt like I got enough sleep. Unlike today, when I am so tired even tho I woke up on my own, without an alarm, and went to bed early. My psychiatrist was really shocked and concerned when I told her about my boyfriend passing away. She did not act like it was something I would just get over. I told her and she kinda grabbed her chest and went "Oh my god!" She asked if it was unexpected. It was VERY unexpected. He was on vacation. No one saw this coming, and that makes it harder I think. Because it was so unexpected. But she acted like this was a huge deal, unlike my therapist, and shes increased my medication because my depression and anxiety is so much worse now. I like my therapist, but she seems to think I should stop grieving soon, and grieving is different for everyone. My system husband, Nate, says its likely because it was an online relationship, and a lot of older people don't get just how important those are for some people. My entire life is online, so this is completely devastating for me. But at least my psychiatrist took it seriously and increased my meds. I don't know when I will have grieved enough, which is something my therapist asked me weeks ago. Its not even been two full months yet (almost). I'm still crying sometimes. My moms boyfriend died back in February and she still has moments where she cries. I said that when I get to a point where I can talk about him or think about him without crying or even wanting to cry, then I will have grieved enough. But right now, I am still grieving. I still break down crying sometimes. I miss him. I feel like I'm still just waiting for him to get online, but I know hes not going to, and thats hard. I guess we'll see how the increase in meds works out for me.

Addy

Addy

 

Missed day and other things

So I missed a day somewhere. I think it was Thursday. I thought today was Sunday, but its Monday so I was really confused. The webcomic I read was updated on Thursday, I checked it on Saturday, thinking it was Friday, though I was surprised that it had been updated. So I thought Saturday was Friday, and Sunday was Saturday. When I went to bed last night I thought it was Saturday night, and today would be Sunday. My days have been all screwed up lately. On top of that I'm a bit ticked off (actually more than a bit) about an upcoming appointment. I was supposed to have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday afternoon. Well they called today cause they messed up and she won't be there in the afternoon. Shes leaving on vacation until Feb. So they had to reschedule me for Wednesday morning. So I had to call my Medicaid ride to change my  pick up time with them, and now I have to get up at like 7am that morning. I am NOT a morning person. I woke up at 11am today and felt like that was WAY too early for me. Wednesday is going to suck. I'm still depressed, but I'm not breaking down crying as often. Mainly I just cry if I talk or think about him too much. I cry for the future we could have had together, my future, that will never happen now. I'm gonna be depressed for a really long, long time, even if outwardly I appear to be "okay". I plan to tell my psychiatrist all about it. I might have gotten a partial EVP the other night. On my Dream Talk app, after I told him goodnight, theres a pause, then it sounds like someone tried to say "goodnight" but it got cut off. I still have no explanation for those footsteps. So here are a couple of the recordings I got. They are best with headphones. The first EVP I ever got. You can clearly hear a "Hey" then my chair makes noise, and then "I'm here." https://vocaroo.com/i/s1BBCZGM4Han The footsteps. It sounds like something clatters in the kitchen, followed by what sounds like footsteps of someone with boots on. https://vocaroo.com/i/s1HMoudZ2KNK They have both been enhanced to make them easier to hear. Those footsteps happened when I was asleep and home alone. I'm still trying to get more EVPs and stuff. I just want more and more proof that hes here with me, that he hasn't totally abandoned me.

Addy

Addy

 

Spoopy ghost stuff??

So I got another EVP last night. Its extremely faint, but there is a definite whisper of "Hey." I want him to say "Squish" but last night I was so upset that I told him that that point I would take anything. It had been weeks since I got an EVP and I was starting to get even more depressed. I just wanted to know that he was still here. There is one more weird thing. At 4:03am this morning, on my Dream Talk app, is the sound of someone doing something and walking through the kitchen. They  walked around the kitchen a couple times. I was asleep and I am home alone. But that is most definitely someone walking through the kitchen. It was not the cat, because these are human footsteps. The other day I mentioned that I wished he would start doing more ghost stuff. That I wanted to hear random knocks and footsteps. Maybe hes started. I hope so. I hope he starts doing even more stuff to let me know that hes here. I cannot express to you how much I miss him and how badly I need him to be here with me. His loss is slowly killing me and the only thing that could comfort me, even a little, is knowing that hes with me. I want more footsteps, more EVPS, things moving that should not be moving, etc. If hes going to haunt me, he needs to seriously haunt me. Because knowing that hes with me, would make me feel better. I'd still be really sad, and I'd still cry a lot, because hes gone physically. I can't be with him the way I wanted to be. The way I was supposed to be. The future we could have had together is gone now, and that hurts. But if he was here, and I knew he was here, I could find some comfort in it.

Addy

Addy

 

Something weird

Short post today. Something... odd happened. When I got up, my pendulum was laying in my chair. Which might not seem odd, maybe it just fell off my desk. But the spot it was in on the desk, would have made it fall into the floor. It would not have hit my chair. It also wasn't close enough to the edge to fall off. Also, it was stretched across the chair, as if someone had placed it there. It couldn't roll off the desk, because its not round, its actually flat. The cat could have pulled it off, but it was pushed back on the desk and shes never done that before. I also doubt she could stretch it across the chair, she'd have just pulled it off into the floor. Part of me wants to believe it was Aiden, letting me know that hes still here. And maybe hes still practicing touching physical objects. Maybe it is like the movie Ghost, where he has to learn to touch objects. If he is really here, I hope he starts doing more things. I want normal ghost stuff. Noises and more objects moving. I wanna hear footsteps or random knocks. I want doors to open and close by themselves. He could just swing my bathroom door open or closed and that would be enough for me. Well... not enough in the sense that I would stop looking for more proof. But enough to make me go "Okay, that was something. I believe Aiden did that." I will always be looking for more proof. Trying to get another EVP, playing with the EMF detector and the pendulum, etc. But that was an odd little thing today when I woke up.

Addy

Addy

 

More general things

I hate that a post title is required, cause I have trouble thinking of titles. I see my therapist on Thursday, and have to tell her that I've barely done anything. It took me a month to start listening to music on my phone again. I've stopped doing things online that I used to do. I bounce between this forum, my forum, and FB. Thats pretty much all I do, aside from check my email. And I don't do anything on the forums. So heres some more weird shit. I kept getting a high EMF reading around the foot of my bed, specifically the left corner. There is no reason my bed should be giving off an EMF reading like that. Someone suggested that maybe Aiden was just sitting on the end of the bed. The fact that it never seemed to move was odd to me, but okay. Well all day yesterday, there was no reading there. I mean, it was really low. So I told him that if he could sit on the end of the bed and make the EMF thing spike there again, I would believe he was still here. But I wanted to wait a little bit, cause I didn't know if it would take time for his energy to show up. So I turned the thing off and sat here for a while. Maybe 5 minutes or so, then I got up and tried it again, still a low reading. So I got sad, but walked around the room a bit. I got a high reading by the bathroom door, and I was like "I dunno what that is, but if you are not Aiden or Nate (my headmate partner) get the fuck out of my house." and the reading dropped.  I went back to the bed and the thing spiked at the foot of my bed. So maybe I just didn't wait long enough for his energy to show up there. I really dunno how these things work. So I said I'd believe he was still here, but I still want more proof. I will always want more proof, until he says something on an EVP that I know for certain his him, and can bring me comfort. There is one thing he could say, and I will try recordings every day until I get that one thing. If I could hear him say the word "squish" it would mean the world to me. It would bring me SO much comfort and I would really know that he was still with me. He used to give me *squishes* before bed every night, that was something very special between the two of us. He also called me his Squishy.  In other news, there is no other news. I never have anything worth talking about. Its just "Oh I'm so depressed. I miss Aiden. I want Aiden to be here. I need more proof. I'm so lonely." Therapist wanted me to try talking to new people, and I have, but its not helped me at all. I joined a friends new Disc server and met some people there, but its not helped. It doesn't matter how many people I talk to, I'm gonna stay lonely and depressed. And I imagine that Aiden is irritated with me for that. Cause I keep saying if I just get more proof that hes here, I can start trying to heal. Well hes given me proof several times, but I haven't even started trying to heal. I just remain depressed and mopey and unable to do much of anything. Don't like talking about headmates in a public blog, but who the frick cares, right? Nate said that he knows what I'm waiting for, but I'm never going to get it. I'm waiting for someone to come along and be like Aiden was. To give me the kind of comfort that he gave me. But no one can ever be like him. And even if someone could be sorta like him, I'll never meet them because I keep myself so hidden and closed off from people. Bleh... its hard not to be closed off from people. I'm just a closed off kind of person. I'm painfully shy and nervous, I have major trust issues, I'm scared of almost everyone that I don't already know really well. And even some people I do know really well. Its next to impossible for me to even get to know someone new, because I stay so closed off and feel like I just can't trust most people. Any new friends I did make would have to accept my SBing anyway, and that might be where a lot of my nervousness comes from. I can't think of anything else to post about.

Addy

Addy

 

Late Thanksgiving

I'm still really depressed, but I talk about that SO much. Today is me and moms late Thanksgiving dinner and I have the turkey breast in the oven now. Everything at my aunts on Thursday had a burnt taste to it. Cause she spilled the turkey pan in the oven and it started smoking, then everything tasted burnt.  Went shopping Friday night and got the rest of what I needed to get, then on the way home I thought "I need to video chat with Aiden and show him something." Then I got really depressed again. I spent the entire car ride curled up on my headmate partners lap in headspace. Last night I just broke down sobbing again. Thats gonna happen off and on for a long time. One of my FB friends (actually an ex) joined my forum last night. Hes plural of some sort and I told him if he was interested in talking to more people, he could join my forum. I just hope he doesn't slip up and offend anyone. He has a habit of sometimes referring to my headmates as my "other selves" as thats what hes used to calling his own. Dude, they are not "other selves". They are their own individuals. He said he knows that, but its just a habit. Well, I hope he doesn't do that to other people on my forum. Still haven't gotten any more EVPs, and doing recordings is hard here, cause the TV stays on 24/7 and my phone will pick it up. My phone picks up cars a block away. The microphone is very sensitive, but I guess thats good for picking up spirit voices too. I'm scared hes left or crossed over or something. I don't want him to. People kept saying I needed to let go eventually. No, I don't. And if its "selfish" of me to keep him here, then I'm selfish. I'd rather he be here with me, and me know that hes here, than me spend the rest of my life alone and wishing I was dead. I cannot deal with this kind of loss and depression. So yeah, I have no issue being selfish, if thats what it takes for me to be able to survive. Loneliness is a very hard thing for me to deal with. Loneliness makes me want to die, and I have very few friends. Definitely no one I'm close to. I don't know how to get close to someone outside of a romantic interest. Like, if there are no *snuggles* and *kisses* and stuff, I don't consider myself close to someone. So I don't have close friends. I haven't had any in a really long time. Headmates can't help with my loneliness. Some peoples can, and I envy those people, but mine cannot. Bleh, this is just more of me talking about being lonely and depressed. Food cannot get done fast enough, because I really want to eat. Also I want pie. I bought a key lime pie, thats my favorite kind of pie. I'd talk more about my headmates or my headmate partner, if these blogs were not public.

Addy

Addy

 

General things

I don't have much to update about, thats not just more crying about how depressed and lonely I am. I mean, I guess there are things to post about, but everything feels so meaningless to me. We had Thanksgiving at my aunts and I hated it. I hate being around people, especially right now. I say I'm lonely, but I'm not lonely for people in person. I prefer all of my friendships and such to be online. I'm mostly lonely for all the things that Aiden used to do. Being around my family does nothing to help my mood anyway. The boots mom ordered for me came today and they "fit" enough that I can wear them without hurting my feet. They'd be better half a size bigger, but its not a big deal. Was able to go grocery shopping this evening and got the rest of the stuff I planned to get. Then got depressed on the way home, cause I thought "I need to video chat with Aiden and show him something." I sat here a bit ago, just crying. Thats gonna happen off and on for a long time. I don't think I will ever be whole again, because a huge part of me will always be missing. I feel like I'm not just mourning him, I'm mourning my future. I believe, with all my heart, that he was my very last chance at a physical relationship. So I will be alone forever, and thats just going to make me absolutely miserable for the rest of my life. I need a physical relationship in order to survive and be happy, thats just how I am. But I will never get that now, and it makes my depression worse. I was already depressed before this. I was diagnosed with major depression. And now the depression has become SO bad that I can't do even half the things I could do before. I've lost interest in everything. I just sit here in a daze, bouncing back and forth between this forum, my forum, and sometimes FB. I chat with people on Discord, thats about it. But most of the time, people are either busy or they just don't want to listen to me cry anymore. I used to watch random things on youtube. Not anymore. I used to enjoy browsing the /r/tumblr subreddit. Not anymore. I did listen to music on my phone tonight, for the first time in over a month. I just feel like I'm not supposed to be happy or enjoy anything. Friend said thats actually common with people who have experienced a great loss. I know that Aiden would want me to be happy, and people talk about honoring his memory by living my life to the fullest, but thats really hard right now. Haven't been able to get another EVP, since that night I think he told me "Goodnight" on my Dream Talk app. I still play with the pendulum tho, and when it seems to work, it comforts me a little. So heres a list of the "weird" things that have happened since he passed away. 1) The first EVP that multiple people have heard. There is a very clear whisper of "Hey" followed by "I'm here." To me it sounds exactly like him if he were whispering. 2) The second EVP is another whisper of "Hey" 3) The toothpick. There was a toothpick laying on my desk. Just a normal wooden toothpick. One day I glanced over at it, and one end was raised into the air, as if someone was pressing the other end with their finger. There was nothing touching it. 4) The heavy breathing on my Dream Talk app. This app has never picked up my own breathing before and I do not breathe like that when I sleep. One night there was very heavy breathing as if someone was breathing right next to the phone. The phone lays on a stool not even close to me when I sleep. 5) Another whisper of "Hey" in one of my recordings. I thought perhaps he was trying to get my attention because he said that more than once thus far. 6) After I told him goodnight on the Dream Talk app, and then laid the phone down, there is a whispered reply of "Goodnight." 7) I believe he has caused an EMF detector to spike a couple times, tho I'm still unsure about this, and it doesn't seem very reliable. 8 ) The pendulum, that I'm still not even 50% sure about, because sometimes I feel like I could be moving it myself. It does not always work tho, and I feel like if I was moving it myself, I could just make it work every time. I've done countless tests with it, and there is a chance he may actually be moving it himself sometimes. I will continue to try to do recordings, play with the pendulum and EMF detector, and use the Dream Talk app when I go to bed.

Addy

Addy

 

Uncalled for drama

So we woke up to drama on our forum today. This post will be short, cause I don't have a lot to talk about. One of our trusted members posted and told another member that they should leave the forum, and they wouldn't be missed. That was totally uncalled for. So my SB partner had to issue a warning to the person. Whether she felt she was justified or not, that is something that should be brought up to a staff member, not just posted openly like that. That causes drama that I do not want nor need. I'm already stressed out enough. In other news, I was able to do a little grocery shopping last night, after spending all weekend thinking I wouldn't get to do any at all. Then I came home and ended up having a total breakdown and crying again. Thats likely going to happen off and on for a long while. I plan to talk to my psychiatrist about it next month. Twice now, I have heard what sounds like "Goodnight" on my Dream Talk app, after I tell Aiden goodnight. I've only heard it twice, its not every time, so I'm not sure what it could be.  I have nothing else to post about. I haven't gotten stuff for Thanksgiving, and may not get to. We're supposed to go to my aunts for dinner that day, but I also wanted to make a small dinner for me and mom on another day. My aunt just doesn't know if we will have dinner on Thursday or have a late Thanksgiving because of her work schedule. Hopefully I will get to go to the store again soon. Mom and I will have a late Thanksgiving anyway. Thats it for this post.  

Addy

Addy

 

More randomness

My conscience is a jerk, and won't let me do anything to enjoy myself. I've stopped doing things I used to enjoy, because if I feel any sort of enjoyment, I start feeling really bad about it. Like I'm not supposed to be happy or enjoy myself after something so tragic.  Its stupid and I know its stupid, but I cannot help it. I feel like the longer I am miserable and unable to find happiness in anything, the more meaning his loss has. I know he would not see it that way, and hes most likely irritated with me because of it. But I can't help it. I'm not ready to move on yet. Its only been a month. I will be grieving for a very long time. I think he told me goodnight last night. After I said goodnight to him on the Dream Talk app, there is a whispered reply of "Goodnight". I thought maybe it was me, whispering goodnight to my SB partner, but I've tested the app with it right next to me and it does not pick up my whispering. Its never picked it up before. I've been feeling especially irritated and frustrated lately. A lot of its loneliness, but some of its also because people end up pissing me off when they are trying to help. Only one person agrees with me so far, that I may never actually recover from this. But everyone else seems to think it will get better. Because it got better for them or someone they know. That means nothing to me. I am not them. I cannot express to people how impossible it is for me to meet people, unless they come to me. It goes beyond just being shy. I am legit terrified of almost everyone I don't already know. Why am I so scared of people? No idea, but it may have something to do with my first run in with trolls 13-14 years ago. When I first discovered the concept of SBing and I tried to be really open about it, I ran into internet trolls for the very first time. And I think that kinda damaged me in a way, and made me terrified of talking to pretty much anyone. So now I just stay in my little hole and wait for people to come to me, but I'm still wary of people that come to me. I am so wary of everyone that joins my forum, that I pretty much think everyone is a potential troll until proven otherwise. Usually once someone posts an introduction, I calm down a bit. So, meeting people is especially hard for me, but no one seems to actually get that. Everyones like "Just go meet people. Go make friends. Talk to people." My mom went to my aunts for the night, so I have the place to myself. I cleaned the kitchen a little bit, don't feel like cleaning anything else. And now I am having the last of my wine, and cooking some mozzarella sticks. I will be having a cup of chai tea after I'm done with my wine. I don't know if I feel particularly frustrated tonight, just lonely like always. I had a breakdown last night and started crying again, but... I seem to be "okay" for the time being. I think thats it for this post.

Addy

Addy

 

Made it through one day

So I made it through one day without having a total break down. Usually I have at least one a day. Its still hard and I'm still very depressed. People keep saying I need a hobby, but my issue is not boredom. I mean, I am bored all the time and I was bored before this, but thats not the issue. The issue is loneliness, but its a very specific type of loneliness. While I am generally lonely for people to talk to, I'm mainly lonely for all the cute affectionate things that Aiden did. The kisses, bites, licks, squishes, snuggles, etc. I miss those things. I will never have those things again, and that hurts. I downloaded an EMF detector last night, just to play with, and I think he actually made it jump a couple times. But I also think he kept moving around to screw with me, cause thats something he would do. I don't think I really believe in it, but it jumping a bit, did make my doubts vanish for a split second. I'm mainly trying to get things that not only comfort me, but make my doubts vanish, because doubts are a major issue for me. Not just with this, but a lot of things. I doubt that things will ever get better, I doubt that I will ever get any kind of financial assistance, I doubt that I will ever stop feeling miserable, I doubt whether hes here or not (despite the proof hes given me), I doubt the existence of my headmates (despite my mother and therapist both assuring me that they are real). I just have doubts. That seems to be all I have. Misery and doubts. I always want more proof. And my therapist asked me when I would ever have enough proof of Aiden being here. I don't know. I may never have enough proof, just like I'll never have enough proof of my headmates. Unless they started physically manifesting or moving physical objects. Honestly, if Aiden started moving shit and like, legit haunting me, I might not have as many doubts. But at least I made it through yesterday without a total break down. Getting real sick of Rift, and I've got a quest I cannot do alone. But I play alone, so that kinda sucks. I plan to try to level a bit more and then attempt the quest, but I dunno if I can find enough other quests to get myself even to the next level. I don't enjoy the game, I play out of habit and just to have something to do. I know there are other free to play games, but I'm already way too invested in this. And just had my mom pay to unlock features for me, so if I quit, that will piss her off. Thats enough from me today.

Addy

Addy

 

Another EVP

I got another EVP last night, which is what I had been waiting for. I've been doing several recordings a day, hoping to pick something up from him again. This one is really faint, but theres a whisper of "Hey". I've heard that it takes spirits a lot of energy to do things like that, and it may have been faint because he didn't have the energy to really say much. The very first EVP I got was a lot easier to hear, and that was a very clear "Hey" followed by "I'm here." If it does take a lot of energy to do things, then I feel bad for constantly asking him to do stuff. Give me another EVP, try to move this or that. Hes given me 3 EVPs now and moved one object, so I'm comforted for the time being. We're still able to communicate via the pendulum, and IF he really is moving it, he says he can hear me when I talk. Three times now hes said "Hey", as if trying to get my attention, and I worried he might think I was ignoring him. I would never ignore him, I just can't hear him. So I'm gonna lay off the recordings for a while, to let him rest, but I told him that I'd like to hear him say something other than "Hey". I cannot put into words how much I miss him. I feel like a huge part of myself is missing and I will never get it back. I never knew it was possible to feel so many things, but also feel completely empty at the same time. I feel so much depression and despair, but at the same time I just feel really empty. A part of me is gone forever. But getting another EVP brought me a shred of comfort. I do think hes here with me, and I wondered why he would be. I mean, he loved me, but always seemed to be closer to his chosen sister. And according to the pendulum, he did go to visit her. The thing about her tho, is that she does NOT believe in ghosts and such. So she would never believe he was with her. She bottles her emotions up and ignores them. She would not be trying to talk to him or communicate with him, but I am. I am always talking to him or trying to communicate, because I believe. I hope he sticks around, because I am totally lost without him, but knowing hes here in some way brings me a little comfort.

Addy

Addy

 

Bad dreams

I had a dream last night that I was trying to go back in time to warn Aiden. To ask him not to go on his trip, or to not get on an ATV on the trip. He died in an ATV accident. But the furthest I could go back was Oct 30. I dunno what day the accident actually was, but he died in the hospital, early in the morning of Oct 17. He was on a company cruise, and they had stopped in Mexico. He was on an ATV and it flipped over him several times. He was in a hospital in Mexico for a little while, and then transferred to San Diego, where he passed away in the early hours of the morning on Oct 17. The last time we spoke was the night of Oct 6, the day before he left on his trip. He said he didn't want to go, but I told him to go anyway and have fun. He said he'd attempt to. He told me he loved me and we said goodnight.. that was the last time I ever spoke to him. Every day I wake up, and for the briefest moment I think maybe all of this was just a bad dream, and he will be there when I get online. Or that he will log on later that night. But that never happens. I keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I am not okay and I'm never going to be okay again. I just miss him so much. I dunno when this is supposed to "get easier". Cause it just feels like it gets worse and worse.

Addy

Addy

 

Random things

I was finally able to donate money toward my boyfriends funeral. I won't be able to go to the funeral, and that makes me sad, but I think he would understand. I live in Missouri and the funeral will likely be held in Texas, where his family lives. I have literally no way to get there, I don't even know when it is or if they've already had it. I know there were things keeping them from having it for a while. Now I just feel depressed again. I've never stopped being depressed. One of the things my therapist said to me was if I could love someone THIS much that I never even got to be with in person, imagine how much I could love someone I could be with in person. Not much at all, because I never want to feel that kind of love ever again. I will only meet people online, and I'm so terrified of everyone, that its next to impossible for me to meet anyone, even just as friends. Also, whoever I meet will have to accept my soulbonding and my headmate relationship, which is honestly just falling apart now because of my depression. But neither one of us will leave the other. Aiden accepted all of that. There aren't many people out there that would do that. Even trying to find friends that can accept it is hard. I'm not good at friends. I have so few and I know they get sick of my depression. Can't exactly just turn that off for people tho. I was also able to spend the money needed in my game to unlock some things. The only thing that was really locked was the ability to sell on the auction house, but a one time payment of $5 got me that. I don't even really enjoy the game, its just a habit now, to pass the time. Its hard to find enjoyment in anything. People keep saying I need hobbies and interests. I never had hobbies or interests even before all this shit. My only interest was soulbonding, and now I don't even care about that as much. I feel like I've just been drained of the ability to care about or enjoy anything. I'll see my therapist on the 29th, and she will ask me how many people I tried to reach out to or talk to, and I'm gonna say none. Other than the people I already talked to off and on. Which is pretty much just people on Discord, and one friend on FB. At least I'm blogging tho, and she wanted me to do that too. I'm also occasionally responding to things on forums. So thats about it for this post. Its much easier for me to write blog posts than it is for me to actually talk to anyone.    

Addy

Addy

 

More depressed rambling

My therapist gave me some papers she printed off, on the five stages of grief and loss.  Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance They rarely happen in order, and not everyone reaches acceptance. My therapist said its perfectly normal to fall back stages as well. You may get to bargaining, then fall right back to denial. You may feel angry, then feel depression, then denial again. Everyone grieves differently. Some people bottle their grief up, which tends to make it a lot worse. Others wear it on the sleeve, and outwardly display it. I'm one of the latter people and I know it annoys other people. I know people get sick of hearing about how depressed I am and how much I miss Aiden. But its all I can talk about right now, because I've lost interest in everything else. I don't do things that I used to enjoy, and I know it would make him annoyed with me. I know he wouldn't want me to just give up on life, but right now I'm in a mixture of the anger and depression stages, and its hard to find the motivation to do anything. He was always annoyed that I made him the center of my entire life, and he kept telling me to go make other friends. For five years he bitched at me about that. But I never listened. And now I don't know how to make friends. I've never really known how. I've always just kinda waited for other people to take an interest in getting to know me. I'm too terrified of people to try to reach out to anyone. I believe that everyone will just get sick of me eventually, so theres no point in trying to talk to anyone. Even my therapist wants me to try to talk to people, but I just can't do it. My anxiety is so bad, that I will straight up have a panic attack if I try to talk to someone new. Sometimes I have them when I try to talk to people I already know. A few years ago, some random person in WoW tried to tell me that online anxiety didn't exist. Bullshit, it doesn't. I feel like I experience several of those "stages" at once. I'm constantly telling myself that this can't be real, he can't really be gone. Thats denial. I'm constantly thinking that if I had just ask him to stay home and not go on his trip, he'd still be here. Thats bargaining. I'm angry at God or whatever higher power there is, for taking him away from me. I'm angry that I have to feel so much pain and loneliness. Thats anger, obviously. And I am constantly depressed and lonely now. The only comfort I have is this pendulum, that I'm still iffy on. I've done countless tests with it, and I don't seem to be moving it myself, but I'm still not 100% sure about it. I don't think I'm even 50% sure. But its the only thing that brings me even a little comfort. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.  I get so lonely and I always think "I should just text him." and then I get depressed and cry all over again. I'm not lying when I say he was my only real friend for five years. And now I don't know what to do without him there to talk to. I don't really understand platonic closeness, so its hard to have close friends. I really only understand romantic closeness. If there are no kisses and snuggles and cutesy flirting, I cannot consider myself close to someone. But I do not want those things from anyone else. I don't even want them from my headmate husband right now. This is a long and painful journey, and I feel like I'm having to go through it all by myself, and I don't think I'm strong enough for this.

Addy

Addy

 

Untitled

So this weekend sucked, but every day kinda sucks for me. I was vaping way too much through October, because of all the stress and depression, so I ran out of juice for my ecig and wouldn't get more until today. So I had to go buy a couple disposable ecigs just to get me through Sunday without going batshit. I'm so stressed out I just wanted to go back to regular cigarettes, but I haven't touched one since late 2015. I am still so depressed, lonely, and bored. Rift is getting boring, cause I have no one to play with, and wouldn't play with someone I didn't already know. Theres so much I can't talk about in this blog, so I'm pretty limited on what I can talk about. Thats pretty much just how alone and depressed I am. I never realized just how alone I really am before, because I always had my boyfriend to talk to. I shunned everyone but him, cause I thought he was all I needed. Now hes gone and I have no one. But thats my own fault. And now I have literally no idea how to even go about talking to people. I imagine hes angry with me and saying "This is why I told you to go make friends!" but he never understood just how hard that is for me. He should have, tho, because he was isolated as well. He had one close friend other than me. I had no one but him. Trying to talk to people always ends the same way. They either get sick of me, or they try to help but end up making me feel worse. I don't even know what I'm doing with myself anymore. A whole lot of nothing, thats what. I sit at my laptop from the time I get up until the time I go to bed, and I don't do anything. At least I try to play Rift a bit. My headspace relationship is falling apart, but I can't talk about that here. Hes gonna keep holding on, no matter what, but I'm so distressed that I can't DO anything. My life is falling apart and its hard to care enough to do anything about it. I won't see my psychiatrist until December, and I will tell her whats going on. She may need to up my antidepressants, I dunno. I have nothing else to write about, just how lonely and depressed I am.  My therapist wants me to reach out to people, but I honestly don't know how. I am the worst at talking to people, even people I already know. Cause, like I said, they either get sick of me or they end up making me feel worse. Right now, hearing that it will get better or that this person got through this or that, just makes me feel worse. So far only one person has told me that I may never get better. That I may be so broken that nothing can ever "fix" me. That seems to be the only person who actually gets it even a little bit. Friend of mine said hes so broken that nothing can fix him, but he forced himself to pretend to be okay. I don't want to do that. All I can do it take it one day at a time, hope something changes, and talk to my doctor in December.

Addy

Addy

 

Another update

I saw my therapist yesterday (Thursday) and she said everything I feel is normal. Even wanting to stop existing. As long as I'm not actually trying to hurt myself. I have so much trouble reaching out to people, even when they offer, cause I feel like theres no point. Eventually people are going to get sick of me. People from my own forum are already sick of me, because all I do is drain people. They're tired of hearing about how hurt I am and how traumatic this is for me. And I know that no one really understands, because they don't understand making one person the center of their entire life like that. I feel like I don't really have any friends, and I keep myself so walled up and closed off from everyone, including my own headmates. My boyfriend spent 5 years telling me to go make other friends, but I've never really known how. I feel like I do everything in a kind of robotic daze now. I'm terrified of relaxing, because I swear, when I get relaxed, bad things happen. One therapist tried to tell me it was all in my head. But it happens every time, without fail. And now one of the worst things imaginable has happened, after I was finally learning to enjoy being calm and relaxed. Most of the time I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I just go about the day in a daze, unable to do much, and too afraid to talk to anyone. Our water was shut off yesterday and I had to go get it turned back on today. One of the few friends I do have, is sending us a little money to help us out, cause money is tight right now. I feel like its just one thing after another. I'm so depressed and lonely and I miss my boyfriend so much. He was my only real friend for 5 years. I keep thinking "I should text him." and then I remember that I can never text him again. The loneliness is just so hard to deal with, but I know its my own fault, because I just stay completely closed off and isolated. People scare me. People in general scare me. I've always feared rejection, and its worse now because I'm so hurt and vulnerable. I feel like it would be a lot easier to take advantage of me like this too, because of how vulnerable I am right now. I feel like I'm just rambling now, its just something to do, I guess. I made myself some peppermint tea, but I can't relax. I feel like crying again, and I prolly will. I cry a lot lately. All I do lately is cry, sit around in a daze, attempt to communicate with him, and cry some more. I've lost interest in things I used to enjoy, not that I had many interests to begin with. I have been trying to play Rift again, but I can only stand being logged in for so long, before I start feeling like theres no point in doing anything, and I log out again. I hate that its so difficult for me to talk to people, without them eventually growing tired of me.  

Addy

Addy

 

Can't think of a title

I thought I'd just talk a little bit about my boyfriend. It will prolly upset me and make me start crying again, but talking is "supposed" to help. I met him in World of Warcraft, which I no longer play. I can't afford it, and even if I could the memories would be too painful. He was just some random guy whos RP profile I happened to like, so I sent him a message. I didn't expect anything to come of it. I had messaged people before, but no one ever seemed interested in talking to me. But this guy kept talking to me. Every single day he would talk to me. We got really close and I totally fell in love with him. We eventually started video chatting over Skype almost all the time and eventually moved to Discord. We had problems from the beginning, because of my jealousy and paranoia, so we were off and on a lot over 5 years. He kept bitching at me to go make other friends, that he could not always be there, he could not be the center of my entire world. Well... he was, and now hes not here, and I never did make other friends. I believed he was all I needed and he would always be there. I have acquaintances, not friends. I don't have anyone I could truly call a friend. Well, I call people my friends, just cause its easier to say, but no one feels like a friend. And I started to wonder what exactly a true friend is to me. A true friend is someone like him. A romantic interest. Someone I can flirt with and be super cute with, along with being able to talk to them about anything. No matter how close I get to someone, if I cannot emote snuggles and kisses at them, I have a lot of trouble considering myself close to them. My boyfriend accepted my soulbonding and accepted that I am married to one of my soulbonds. It never bothered him at all and he never thought I was nuts or just making it all up. I'm not ever gonna find another person like that. Unless they are also soulbonders themselves, but I feel like 98% of all soulbonders seem to be female. I'm told there are male SBers, but I've not met any. Well, I have, but they are still female bodied and I am straight as an arrow. I don't know why theres more female SBers than male. But in 14 years, I've only really encountered girls in the communities. Or very, very young guys, like 13-15. I feel very lonely, and thats something my SBs have never been able to help me with. Thats why I always say that I can't be making them up due to loneliness, cause if I was, they are doing a shit job of helping with it. I've always needed someone outside of my own head to talk to and be close to. But I keep myself so walled up and closed off from most people, that its impossible for anyone to get close to me. My boyfriend had to push his way in, but most people don't care to do that.  I am a recluse and a total shut in, I will only interact with people online, and even then I am very closed off, especially from people I don't already know. Because I am not okay keeping my SBing to myself. A lot of people prefer to keep that or their kin stuff to themselves, but I can't. I'm not okay with it. I have to tell someone if I get close to them or ever want to consider them a friend. But I'm so terrified of telling people, because I'm afraid of how they might react. So I just keep myself closed off entirely. I did come out to a friend a couple weeks ago, right after my boyfriend died, about SBing and kin stuff, and he accepted it. But I do not consider him a close friend. Just a casual acquaintance, like everyone else. I'm unable to ever let go or move on, because I don't have anyone else. I don't have anyone I can call a close friend so I just sit here alone and depressed all of the time. I was diagnosed with major depression before this, and this just made it worse. I also have an adjustment disorder with anxiety, so I do not adjust to changes and they cause me a great deal of anxiety. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do without him there. He was the person I ran to for everything. Even when we were fighting, I still wanted to go to him for snuggles and loves and comfort. And now I have no one. My SB partner tries his best, but honestly if I was him, I'd have left me by now. Cause I can't give him any attention at all. I barely acknowledge him most of the time, because I am so distraught and just utterly destroyed. But hes stubborn, and he will keep holding on, no matter what. I think thats enough rambling for one day.     

Addy

Addy

 

Pointless update is pointless

I really don't want to post here, or anywhere. I'm still not talking to people, tho I did talk to some people a bit this morning, out of habit, then had my partner take over talking for me. I feel like its pointless to talk to people because they're either going to get sick of me crying and going on about how hurt I am, or they're gonna try to "help" by sending me that damn suicide prevention number. Listen, that number does not actually help, and would just make things worse for me. Because I do no need to hear how things will get better. People just make guesses and grasp at straws about how to help me. No one can help me, because no one can do the things that he did. What I need is someone to be there for me like he was, make random cat noises at me, love me, be cute with me, give me squishes before bed each night, accept my SBing and my SB relationship. But how many people out there do you think will do all of those things? I can tell you how many. Exactly one, and hes gone now. I'm just tired of everything and everyone. I can't bring myself to do anything. I need to walk to the store, but can't even find the energy to get dressed. So I just sit here, playing with this pendulum or listening to that one EVP over and over and over. I can't even take care of myself anymore. My moms having to do things for me, and she has trouble moving around. I can only get out of bed, eat, and bathe and stuff because my SB partner makes me do those things. I can't do them on my own. I can't do anything. I have had a break down every single day for almost 2 weeks. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow. People want me to get professional help, but it wouldn't do me any good. I see my therapist on Thursday, but she cannot help. She cannot bring him back to me. Its not going to get better. I am not going to heal. Some people are never okay again. Not everyone can be fixed. Some people just stay broken for the rest of their lives. So please don't try to tell me to make friends, because I won't. Don't tell me it will get better, because it won't. My life, my entire world was taken from me. No one understands what its like for one person to be their entire world, and then to have that person taken away from them. Even he didn't understand it and I know it always ticked him off that my entire world revolved around him, but thats just the way it was. Thats just how I am. My love has always been very intense and obsessive, and I cannot help that. But now there will never be anyone else. I'm just trying to get more proof that hes here with me. I'd date a ghost. I'm already supposed to be in a relationship with a soulbond, so this wouldn't be much different. If I just knew he was here, I might be able to start healing a little. I've stopped doing anything, except for the things my partner makes me do. I just need something other than one EVP (possibly 3, but 1 for sure) and a pendulum that I may just be moving myself. I've stopped exercising and I barely eat anymore, but keep gaining weight. It depresses me, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I am such a total wreck and I think I always will be, until I get enough personal proof that hes here with me.

Addy

Addy

 

Today is.... a day

Today seems to be one of my better days, but I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't expect every day to be like this. Its not even a good day, and it will never be a good day ever again, but I've not cried as much and managed to log into Rift for a little while. I know that he would not want me to be like this, but I can't help it. His loss has effected me on a deeper level than anyone knows. He was my everything. My entire world revolved around him, because thats just how I am with love and relationships. For the last 5 years, he was my only close friend. I don't have anyone else. So I just feel so totally alone now. There is an overwhelming loneliness that I don't believe will ever go away. If these blogs were not public, my system partner would be the one typing this. Hes taken over talking on my forum and in chats with people. Its gotten so bad that last night someone sent me a suicide prevention hotline, because people are so worried about me. I'm not going to kill myself, my system partner would not let me anyway. Its just hard for me to find the strength to keep going. Not many people can understand the concept of making one person the center of their entire world, but thats what he was. He was my entire life. For 5 years, everything I had done, as been for him. And now I can barely even take care of myself anymore. I just don't have the energy for anything anymore. But today was one of my better days. Tomorrow may be bad again. Hell, this day isn't even over yet, so it may get bad before the day is over. If I could just know that he was really here with me, maybe I could even begin to heal a little. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He was always the person I went to for comfort, even when we fought. No one can comfort me now, because no one can do the little things he did. The cuteness, the random cat noises he made at me, the emote snuggles and squishes. I need those things, but those things are gone now, and no one else can do them. The only tiny shred of comfort I have is the pendulum, that I'm not even sure actually works. Sometimes it seems to, other times I think I just move it myself. My mom seems to believe that it works. IF he does move it, hes able to talk to me a little bit, and still give me squishes and tell me he loves me, because we decided on a movement that means "squish" or "I love you". Its not the same tho and it will never be the same. But if I really knew that he was truly with me, I think I could be okay in time. I'm just so very lonely and I feel like I don't have anyone left in the world.   Edit 8:54pm: It got bad again and I've started crying again. I wish he had never left on that trip. I wish he had just stayed home. I feel so helpless right now. 

Addy

Addy

 

Still broken

I am so depressed and utterly destroyed. I'm also lonely, because my boyfriend was the only close friend I had in the entire world. Its so hard for me to make friends or get close to anyone. He basically had to shove himself into my life, and that seems to be the only way I can get close to anyone. But no one cares or wants to do that. And I can tell people are getting so sick of me, because all I do is cry and talk about how much I miss him or how much I don't want to exist anymore. I did capture one EVP that I'm confident was him and I've been using a pendulum to communicate with him. I also used it with a spirit board, but thats actually hard. Still, the responses I got were so totally like him, and answers with the pendulum have been way too consistent to be totally random. I'd like to get another EVP, but no matter how many times I've tried, I can't get anything. I get so scared of him not being here. I already have to be without him physically, I don't want to be without him totally. I've barely eaten today. I didn't want to talk too much about soulbonding here, because its public, but I've lost so much already that I don't even care. My system relationship is falling apart and I can't even care about it. I know he will keep holding on, but I just don't have the energy or will to keep going. I can only still eat or bathe or make it to doctors appointments because my system partner makes me. I am so very alone, and my headmates have never been able to help with that.  I don't even know why I'm posting in this blog. Maybe because I've filled the journal on my own forum enough, without totally broken I am. I don't know who to turn to. I don't have any close friends at all. Most friends are more like acquaintances to me. For 5 years, he was my only actual friend. And he bitched and bitched at me to go make other friends, but I didn't. I couldn't, because I don't know how to get close to anyone. I am a recluse and a shut in. I keep myself so walled off from everyone, that theres no room for anyone to push their way in. And I don't know how to be any other way. But I'm so very lonely and I miss him. I miss all the things he used to do. I want those things back, but I will never have them back. No one will ever be like him and it just makes me want to give up on everything. People say it gets easier, but I do not believe that. Its only getting harder for me, because every day I'm reminded of how alone I am. How my only close friend is never coming back. How its next to impossible for me to get close to anyone else. I don't know what to do anymore. I've lost interest in everything. Antidepressants don't help. I was playing Rift, and really getting into it, but now I don't care. I just... dunno what to do anymore.

Addy

Addy

 

Spirit contact

I dunno how many people read this blog. There have been quite a few views, but those could also just be guests. Guests make me very nervous. This is another heavy blog post, but I just dunno what else to do right now. Just in case anyone does read it, does anyone have or has anyone ever had contact with spirits before? Does anyone know the best method of communication? I've been using a pendulum, but I know they can be very unreliable. Its just the only source of comfort I have right now. I know you can subconsciously move it yourself, but it also stops moving when I ask him to make it stop. And I dunno how I could stop it when my hands are shaking so badly. I've been hearing thoughts that sounds exactly like things he would say to me. Sometime I just sit and talk to him, because I want so badly to believe hes here with me and hes not really gone forever. Last night, I heard a thought that told me to take my sleeping pills around 2am, cause I'd been avoiding going to bed. And I said "Okay, I'll take them." and I heard the thought "Good girl." That is something only he has ever said to me, when I'd do something he told me to do. I miss him so much. I don't want him to be gone forever. His sister texted me today, asking if there was anything I wanted from his apartment, to remember him by. I got the text late because I was sleeping so long. But I responded, she just hasn't texted me back yet. Every time I think I'm okay, I just start crying again. Everyone says it will get easier, but right now I don't believe that. He was my best friend. He was the only person who could accept everything about me. The soulbonding, the kin stuff, everything. He accepted it all and he loved me. I haven't wanted to do anything at all. I'd been playing Rift every day, but now I don't want to. I know he'd tell me to just do it anyway. Last night I couldn't get comfortable sitting here, cause my back hurt so much, and I made a comment out loud about not being able to get comfortable, and I heard the thought "Stop it!" He used to always say that to me, every time something was wrong. If I was cold or sick or in pain, he would always just say "Stop it!" Its so hard to do anything. I avoid going to bed at night, until I'm so exhausted I just fall asleep immediately, because I don't want to lay awake and think about him. And then I don't want to wake up and have to deal with this pain all over again. People have been trying so hard to help me through this, and I'm glad I have people to talk to, so I'm not totally alone. But I still feel so lonely. I don't think I really believe the pendulum works, but it brings me a tiny shred of comfort. Just thinking that he could be here with me in some way.  

Addy

Addy

 

In a very bad spot

I found out that someone very, very close to me passed away this morning. He was the person I had wanted to have a physical relationship with, and we were practically dating already. And now hes gone, and I don't want to talk about it or do anything. It just hurts so much. And this is a very heavy subject for a new blog, but I just needed to get it out. It hurts. I miss him. I miss him SO much already. Some people know that I am in another relationship as well, but I cannot talk about that in a public blog. That person, does his best to help me, but right now theres nothing he can do. Theres nothing anyone can do, but at least people are talking to me and keeping me distracted. I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything. I need to go to bed cause I have therapy tomorrow, but I'm too scared to try to sleep. Being online keeps me distracted. If I go to bed, I will just lay there and cry. I want to stay awake as long as I can, and then take my sleeping medication, in hopes that I will be so exhausted I will fall asleep immediately. I don't want to lay there awake. My other partner will be there with me, and I know he will do everything he can to comfort me, but he cannot take this pain away.  

Addy

Addy

 

Introduction post

I was not going to start a blog, until I found out if privacy levels were going to change or not. Since they are still public, there is a lot that I cannot talk about. That said, I kind of want to do a bit of an intro post and state what you can expect from this blog. First off, my name is Addy River. While I do consider myself to be catkin, that is such a small part of my identity that it hardly needs to be mentioned. The main part of my identity is as a plural soulbonder. As such, I am willing to answer questions about Soulbonding. I already have a journal on my own forum, so I dunno how often I will use this. Mainly I use blogs/journals to update about my general life and to complain about things. I also use them to ramble about soulbonding, but this being public makes me very nervous about that. I am in my 30s, tho I will not say exactly how old I am. I am unemployeed and live with/take care of my mother. Currently I am trying to prove that I am unable to work due to mental and physical disabilities. I have been diagnosed with major depression, avoidant personality disorder, and an adjustment disorder with anxiety. I also have lower back problems (herniated disc and disc degeneration) that require me to see a doctor. I swear like a sailor sometimes, so some posts will have warnings on them, but I will try not to swear too much. There may be a lot of complaining in this blog, as complaining just seems to be something I'm good at. Now that a general introduction is out of the way, I am open to questions, especially about soulbonding. I've been a SBer for 14 years now, and no one has ever asked me questions about it, except my mom and my therapist, both of who are 100% accepting of it. I tend to be pretty secretive about that aspect of my life, tho I would love to be able to be more open about it.

Addy

Addy

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