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Redefining

TRIGGER WARNING: Religious abuse, mention of other forms of abuse, and trauma. I am writing this now and wondering how many times will I make this kind of blog post? A callback to my old ways of thinking, to be followed up by my new and totally legit new identity, only to rewrite it a month later. A pesky cycle of “this” than “that.” Its an issue of pride, too. The “I said I had it right before, I can’t go back on it” mentality (that I strongly believe plagues many of the Otherkin communities). I can’t say I will break the cycle- since we are always growing and learning, but I will do my best to introspect and write as unbiased as my human-pride will let me.  For those who knew me before I left the old site, they might remember my primary identity as a species I called Dontarian. On and off the old site my definition of “Dontarian” morphed and changed: first the name of a species/civilization of dragon, then of a group of avians (humans with bird wings), a kind of angelic-like species, a winged-elf race, back to angelic-like- I even considered a god!- but I settled for a while on a sort of alien. Dontarian has always been the umbrella term of my main identity; the name I gave to whatever creature I might be. Redefining “Dontarian” is the summary of my Otherkin experience. I always try to introspect all parts of my identity whenever new discoveries are made: how does this identity fit into my current idea of Otherkinity? Can this fit into my current idea of Otherkinity? How does this possible kintype fit in with my other kintypes and the rest of my identity? Could this possible kintype just be a facet of another kintype, or does it stand on its own? Most of these questions are answered quickly, almost subconsciously, because that is how my brain works. Taking steps like keeping a semi-active blog and a Therian journal helps me slow down and process it all more thoroughly. I also pay more attention to possible kintypes that I have questioned for a long time. The Dontarian identity is the highest on my list, while newer ideas like- some kind of feline- are much lower. This Dontarian identity is my first kintype. I remember myself daydreaming at church as whatever-a-Dontarian-is when I was in my first years of elementary school. If souls exist, a Dontarian is my soul. That just leaves the question of what the hell is a Dontarian? The over branching arc of holiness or divinity doesn’t seem like a coincidence, especially when I look at how I explain my Otherkinity. To put it plainly, I was raised in a cult. A nondenominational Christian church in the heart of Florida. When I was around 4 I went through an exorcism and had another around the age of 5 to 6. I was religiously abused both by my church and by my biological father. He also mentally/emotionally, and sometimes physically, abused me.  My entire childhood was spent with the religious fear mongering of sin, hell and brimstone, that I was a dirty creature that God is ashamed of. And with my biological father being an active member of the church, I was told everything about the Bible all the time. From this trauma is where I believe my Otherkin identity came from.  After putting all that out, I think it's easy to see what kind of creature I am questioning: demon, or fallen angel. I didn’t choose this identity, as my mind subconsciously chose to identify as this to cope with why I was being treated terribly in such a sacred way, and I would honestly never have chosen this identity. I see it as an easy chain of thought to follow now that I am looking back on it: I was a child of God- so in some respect I was holy- but sin was my “fall” and I could never redeem myself for the original sin of Adam and Eve. I was supposed to be a sinless creature, yet I sin. I am an angel that fell.  It's actually kind of sad… I’m left with two choices. I have felt this identity-I have felt these feelings- for what seems my entire life now. The identity is set in stone, so should I “roll with it” or bury it away and try to repress it with the rest of the traumatic memories. And, if the internet has had anyone good ideas for self-care, I’ve learned that repressing yourself just hurts yourself further down the line. If this is an unhealthy coping mechanism (which I don’t believe it is, as it doesn’t negatively affect my day to day life) then it will slowly fade as I continue therapy, as my other unhealthy mechanisms have.  Now that I know why I identify as this, how do I identify? I still have much about this identity to explore. I don’t have any memories as traditionally defined, as the demon identity would be me in this lifetime, but my mind has built up the identity enough for me to fill in the blanks of who I am. For one, I am probably a fallen Power- the warrior angel choir. I have an appearance: six eyes, two pairs of wings, dark horns, digitigrade legs, and a reptilian tail, with scales along the “edges” of my body. My weapon was a spear or lance, but I also fought with a sword.  I believe I define “demon” differently than traditional as well. Christians define demons as evil creatures who rebelled against a loving God strictly out of pride and arrogance; I define demon as a creature undefined by good and evil but made their name by rebelling against a dogmatic God. Matter of opinion, I guess.  I don’t know how I will continue to introspect into this identity without the constant fear of mental constructs. I know how ironic that is, as I have overly admitted that this entire demon-thing is a mental construct, but I try to keep it as… pure to the original as possible. I don’t want to add, I want to explore what is already there.  This concept has been on my mind a lot recently. It fits my life, it fits my psychological explanation, it fits how Dontarians have continually been built in my mind, it… fits. I am thinking about writing in more detail my religious experiences and how it affects my religious identity now, and how my demon identity also correlates. To be seen. Adios, mis amigos,
Galeseer
 

lemonadelance

lemonadelance

 

Kin Updates 12/Nov./2018

Quite a bit has been happening in terms of my therian identity, so I wanted to write it out and get it all in one place. ~~~ Therian Journal I got a leatherback journal from Walmart and have been updating it semi-frequently with everything relating to my identity and self-discovery.  ~~~ How I explain my identity I guess my identity is spiritual with some psychological reasoning thrown in. I believe in a soul and reincarnation, and that our souls are a bundle of different kinds of energy. This energy isn't just spiritual but also physical, mental, emotional, etc. Everything that has happened in this life and those previous has shaped our energy to be the way it is. I might not have lived all these lives as conventionally believed, but this merging of energy has made them me and I them. Even if one of my theriotypes is psychological, the energy of this psychological merging makes me this theriotype. I really hope that made sense.  ~~~ Kenai Peninsula Wolf to Coyote I started to feel doubt in my Kenai Peninsula Wolf kintype as I continued to do more and more research into the species. The size of the Kenai wolf and the habitat felt off. I did research, introspection, and looked back on past theriotype identities and possibilities and I found myself back at the coyote. The habitat fits well, imagine a place like Wyoming or Montana; and the size is also very similar, but I am yet to fully discover if I was just a larger than average coyote, or if I was some sort of coywolf or coydog, but during my research, I wasn't able to find any coydogs/coywolves subspecies that lived in that area.  ~~~ Draconic Kintype I was talking to my higher self/subconsciousness and She (I refer to Her separate from me for clarification reasons, she is me, though) made it known that I will figure it out in due time. ~~~ Possible cat theriotype I have always felt I have had a feline theriotype, but have been feeling out the possibility more and more recently.   ~~~ Possible angelic kintype Same as above, only with some kind of angelic being and most likely as a psychological kintype. 

lemonadelance

lemonadelance

 

Taking Away

When something isn't working you take it away to reevaluate, modify, and try again. When something has been a part of you for so long, and you post about it so often, it is hard to do that. I feel very different about being a Therian now than I did even two days ago, and that is a tad bit scary. I know I am Therian. I know my Theriotypes are correct and I know I have other Theriotypes/Kintypes still left undiscovered. I know that because I feel connected as different animals or creatures found in certain environments. I know I am some sort of marine animal similar to a shark, dolphin, or seal because of my shifts, my instincts, and the places I look at and feel like that is home. That is what a Theriotype/Kintype should be. Even when you don't look at your species, or think about your kin, when you try to push it away it is still you and won't go away. That is my criteria for being Therian, and now I realize that my "fictotypes" don't fit those criteria. That's sad to me. Toriel was my first fictotypes and one of my first kintypes in general. But I can't convince myself I am her because my feelings of her go away. It's not just I am not intensely shifted into her, its that I am not her for periods of time. I don't feel her until I am listening to the Undertale soundtrack or looking through fanart or playing the game. Same for Hailstorm and snivy. I have memories of them, which is why I kept them both as fictotypes, but memories don't make a kintype unless there is a connection to them. The brain is powerful and I feel sad mine was able to convince me for such a long time.  This leads me back to the drawing board. Do these characters have merit in terms of questioning other kintypes? Did I believe I was Hailstorm because I am kin as a dragon, or Toriel because I am kin with a goat? How about snivy? Were Toriel and Hailstorm hinting at me being long-lost royalty? Or snivy hinting at me being a long-lost pet? Or were these characters coincidence of a hard time I was going through and needed a way to cope? Life is strange. 

lemonadelance

lemonadelance

 

What I Mean When I Say I'm an Atheist

Before you read: I want you to please reread the title. This is MY take on MY beliefs. I haven’t ever or ever will be 100% right about anything. This is how I feel about the world through my own experiences. I am not trying to convince anyone of my beliefs nor will I ever try to convince anyone of my beliefs. Don’t go writing in the comments any shit about me.  “Atheist” is a loaded term. When I was still a Christian, and even when I converted to Wicca, I had a false perception about what Atheists were. I thought every one of them was an absolute skeptic who believes God absolutely doesn't exist; and that they believe everyone who does is a brainwashed idiot. While in some respects I was right, I was wrong in just about the rest.  To be open about my background I was born and raised as a “Non-Denominational” (Baptist) Christian in the deep south of Florida. At my church, I suffered religious, and other forms of, abuse. To quote my therapist, I was raised in a cult. It wasn't until I was about 13 when my biological father abandoned me and the rest of his family that I was able to leave. My parents divorced when I was born and he was given visitation time of Wednesday and every other weekend. However, he was still the one who kept the religious throat grip on me for my child and preteen years. When he left, I felt like the church left with him.  As I struggled to grip with the sudden loss of two families, my father’s side and church, I was able to explore myself much deeper than I was allowed to before. A mix of this personal discovery and a harsh disdain for Christianity led me to look into Witchcraft and eventually becoming a Wiccan.  I stayed in Wicca for a while, then I became just a witch, not wanting to be restrained by another religion. I jumped from one group to another, trying this and that to find a comfortable nook. Nothing stayed forever and I was onto the next thing.  Before continuing, it is good for this blog post for Atheism to be defined. It is simply the lack of belief in a God, Gods, or any sort of Supreme Divine. While many Atheists are skeptics and aren't spiritual, there are many who are. Atheist Witches, like myself, are actually quite common if you look beyond the popular ideas of what a witch must be.  After everything above about different religions and being a hardcore witch, how could I be an Atheist? Because I don't believe anyone can be a God.  I believe that every being in the universe is connected by an interconnecting energy. This is how magick works, by manipulating this energy to create results in the universe. We are all personified energy with combinations of different kinds of energy. We all have the human energy, duh, but some of us have the empathic energy or the clairvoyant energy, and most on this forum have the energy of something not human, hence being Otherkin. This energy isn’t inherently spiritual. Our psychology/mind is energy, our physical body is energy. There is spiritual energy, of course, but energy is everything spiritual and nonspiritual. Some energy has existed in one form for longer than others, yes, and many beings have come to guide us, yes, but that doesn’t mean they are deserving of worship. We all came from the same natural spring of energy that created everything, so no traditional idea of God (a supreme being who created some part of the natural world) can exist.  I think I might be cheating the term Atheist, but my point is valid. To me, beings like Loki, Zeus, Krishna, Jehovah, or whoever you believe in do not fit the model of God. They might call Themselves it, you can call Them it if They want you to, but I won’t be bowing to Them or thanking Them for thinks I don’t believe They did. They are beings like us living in our existence, meaning They have flaws just like us, either They want us to know about it or not. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, so do you really think it’s out of the realm of possibility that a being like Odin might be stretching the truth here? If that was way too complicated than I thought it was, simply put we are all created of the same energy of the universe. I believe this energy came about in a way like the Big Bang. Because I don’t believe anyone being created the universe or any natural elements in this universe, I don’t believe that a God truly exists. There are beings, like the list mentioned above, that are powerful and have come to rule over natural elements, yes, but because They did not create or aid in their creation I don’t classify them as the God atheists don’t believe in. Instead, They are just beings who have retained an energetic and sometimes physical form long enough to guide and protect us or Their chosen people.  I think Gods are more guides than what They are conventionally seen to be. Of course, I respect Them like anyone who offers to guidance and helps through any situation, but more Ascended Master respect than All Mighty God respect. Ascended Masters are actually a pretty good comparison. You would show respect to an Ascended Master, as They are truly wise and powerful beings, but would you treat one like the maker of the universe?  To touch on the associations of Gods (ex: Ares and war), I think it’s legit. Going back to what I said before, how we are all collections of energy, we are all associated with different parts of the universe. That’s why some people feel strong bonds to fire or to birds because that is where their energy leads them. Gods like Ares are being much more powerful than us but are governed by the same principle, They are tied to types of energy and that is where they rule. I just don’t believe they had any part in creating their associations.  As I said, I might be stretching the term, but if the shoe fits (somehow) then I’m gonna wear it (if it looks good). 
 

lemonadelance

lemonadelance

 

Hailstorm Awakening

I don't know why but Hailstorm has slowly become my midentity. It used to just be a dragon kintype, but has time went on the dragon became Hailstorm. Because I am going to talk a lot about this, I thought I might as well tell of my awakening. It started with my dragon awakening when I was in about 2nd grade. I began to identify as an ice dragon, and as time went on I created a story around this identity. Note I say "created" because I was young and knew everything I was creating wasn't true or correct, outside of the fact I identified as a dragon. I was young and wanted a good story to daydream about, so that's what I made.  By the time I found Wings of Fire, the book series Hailstorm is from, I was already apart of the otherkin community and identified as a dragon. I began reading the story and slowly-but-surely began to feel a connection to the series deeper than it was a good story. I got onto the 6th book and that's when I began getting the "kin feels." I began connecting to Icewings, but I chocked it up to me being with an ice-dragon. When I got to the 7th book I knew it was more than just a similar identity. I knew I was kin with someone in this series and that that someone was an Icewing. I also felt that this someone was royalty, especially connected to Queen Glacier. So imagine my confusion when I began feeling kin feelings towards Pyrite, a Skywing.  At this point I didn't know Pyrite was actually Hailstorm under an enchantment. I began wondering if I could be kin as two characters from Wings of Fire. I was never the person to like having two kintypes from the same source, but I wasn't closed to the idea. When the reveal happened and Pyrite became Hailstorm, I just about screamed. Like. Holy shit. My kin feels were accurate!? It felt almost... supernatural that I was feeling a connection to both a royal Icewing and to Pyrite at the same time.  I would talk about the awakening of my other kintypes, but there wasn't any set "boom" moments like there was with Hailstorm. 

lemonadelance

lemonadelance

 

Hailstorm VS Dragon Kintype

I just finished reading through the second arc of Wings of Fire, which I would assume is the last arc that would feature my kintype, Hailstorm, in any large light. After reading through I wanted to make a list, a bit of a Venn diagram, about the similarities and contrasts between Hailstorm and my unnamed dragon kintype. I believe that I have only one dragon kintype and that that one kintype is Hailstorm. But, of course, I can't just say that without some sort of written out logic board about the five Ws and one H. Lets get started, shall we. (Note: I'm gonna call my dragon kintype "Dragon") Similarities:  Both have been Ice dragons Both have experienced being a darkness dragon Both royalty Both have siblings Both have had a case of being turned into another kind of dragon through magical means Both have been in a war against an ancient rival Differences Hailstorm was born an ice dragon, while Dragon was born a darkness dragon Hailstorm experienced being a darkness dragon through forced telepathic link, while Dragon experienced being an ice dragon through transformation Hailstorm was transformed into a Skywing, while Dragon an ice dragon Hailstorm is male, Dragon is female Then there are the other bits but this is the main idea behind it all. I don't know, it just makes more sense to me to be just Hailstorm, if that makes sense. I was also a child when I discovered Dragon. So it would make sense if some of this stuff was exaggerated for the effect of a good and compelling mental story. I remember three "generations" of the Dragon story. The first one featured Dragon just as an ice dragon, with the darkness coming later. The integration of darkness also happened after I went through some religious abuse, making me feel shame and "dark". Also, my phantom shifts for Dragon align very closely to Icewing anatomy: long spiked horns, the tail, even the snout.  There is a dragon in Wings of Fire, Whiteout, that compares a lot to Dragon: Both are Ice-Darkness dragons Both have a brother that become the villain Both are female Both are royalty hiding in another kingdom But the difficulty here is that I didn't feel that "kin connect" to Whiteout as I did to Hailstorm, especially when it was found out that Pyrite was Hailstorm. To be honest, that has to be one of my biggest kin-connect moments because a) I was already feeling kin feels for Icewings, and b) I was feeling kin feels for Pyrite herself. I was hella confused. That is, until it was found out Pyrite was Hailstorm all along. This may just be a matter of needing to go back and reread Darkstalker, but I digress.  It's like when you have kin-firmed both a Wolf and Fox kintype. They could be the two separate Kintypes, or they could actually be an animal with the same traits as wolves and foxes.  If anyone has read this far, congratulations and grab a cookie, but any advice would be Gucci. 

lemonadelance

lemonadelance

 

Introduction

Hi there.  Now then, who the hell am I? I hope you have an answer ‘cause I sure as fuck don’t know. My alias is Lance. I go by he/him pronouns and am a male who happens to be transgender; I am also bisexual. I am an agnostic-atheist witch and psychological otherkin. I am an INTJ and a Ravenclaw (+Slytherin, I took the test five times and got a 3/2 ratio). I am a creative writing student with aspirations of becoming an author. I am also a huge Star Trek and D&D nerd. I believe I am a psychological otherkin because my kintypes began to arise after various trauma points. After the religious abuse I suffered as a kid hit its peak, I started to identify as a dragon. After my biological father left, I started identifying as a wolf. So on and so forth. I definitely didn’t choose to identify with all of these kintypes- and I have no idea who 
WOULD choose to identify as otherkin, it literally makes my life a living hell sometimes. Phantom wings are a pain, having many “lifetimes” of memories is a chore, and I would rather just be a human than identify as an otherkin. I feel like I have kintypes left undiscovered. Those “kin feels” that won’t go away. Not many, hopefully, and, hopefully, my subconscious stops yeeting kintypes into my already fucked up identity.  Agnostic-atheist and witch might also tangle some people up. To put it simply, I believe that there is an underlining connection between all things in the universe. Some call it divine consciousness, while others call it social media. I just call it universal energy. I believe that through the manifestation of thought one can create magick, or willing something to change by effecting this universal energy. I don’t believe in deities as literal beings, but instead, archetypes that carry a signature energy in this energy web. We all have a different kind of energy because we are all different, and by tapping into the energy of a deity archetype you have access to guidance to change what must be changed.  To make an example, if you pray to Loki you are not praying and connecting to an actual being, but instead, a type of energy that reflects the correspondences of what Loki represents (mischief, change, etc.) By tapping into this energy, and honoring it in your own way, this energy will influence and guide you and the energies around you.  If you wish to get technical then, yes, this same argument can be made for spirits as well. Now then, I have no idea what this blog is going to be about or contain. Memories, musings, introspections, witchcraft shit, who the hell knows. I’m in for this ride just as much as you are. Adios, mdudes Lance

lemonadelance

lemonadelance

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