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About this blog

The collection of my wandering, wondering, and maybe a crackpot theory here and there.

Entries in this blog


That feeling’s back again...

So, it’s rare, but recently they’ve become more frequent. I hate my eye color in those times, because I can’t recognise myself in the mirror. To the point I want to break it, to the thoughts of clawing out my eyes. Until now, I looked up numerous ideas, no matter how risky, out of my desperation in those times. Normal colored lenses have no prescription, which I’m fine with because I can just wear them under my glasses. They’re also daily. And they help, I underestimated that feel



32 Self-Grilling Questions - Open to more comments/questions

What is your kintype? (Just include the one you're focusing on.) Specific-character fictionkin   Do you identify for spiritual or psychological reasons? Mainly psychological, even if I word it sometimes like it sounds spiritual, for I personally don't hold much stock in the multiverse theory.   When was your awakening (if you had one)? I first awakened sometime between 2009 and 2010, but due to my parents reacting negatively I had to bury it deep deep down, to




I’ve been thinking about this for the better part of my workday, and even to now at nearly 10pm... For years I’ve dipped in and out of the tulpamancy community, because I thought that was what we were. However, now I’m not so sure, between me and Gareth it just feels more... median-y, even if he just feels his own person due to our differences. Why median? Because he only ever forces control under times of stress or threat, as well as when he first turned up I was under stress at work.



Last night’s wonders

Last night, I got into a conversation with someone internally and I have no idea who it was... Wasn’t Gareth because he’s pretty... loud. And also took *great* joy in calling me a jackass after he’d finished butting into said conversation. As per usual.  Wasn't dad (long story) because they actually seemed to care about me. Go figure, but then they sounded like me so hey... I’m leaning towards fledgling tulpa just from how it sounded, in both tone and mindvoice. And yes, unli




It’s 1:30 in the morning, I can’t sleep. Nor can I think of a subject to write even if I wanted to - and I do. So for now I’m open to suggestions as to what to write, kin-related or not.



A new kind of mental shift

I talked about this a bit in my previous post, but I didn’t go into much detail. It’s been happening much more frequently since then, almost every time, every day. Long story short, first set off by surgical complications - If I catch sight of myself, it happens, because I know how hurt I am. And there’s nothing I can do about it either aside from wait until the next appointment. Yay me. For those who don’t know - Back then, in that world, I could harness the life force of those releas




This entry will go into my thoughts about my own mortality and how it ties into both my fictionkin identity and my place in Kemetic Orthodoxy.   I guess... I don’t know I guess this has cropped up again. In more detail, more frequently, needing to be put somewhere. (And this may have been partially brought to the surface by a documentary on the Book of the Dead I watched yesterday afternoon.) It seems, as I become more comfortable in myself, it soon turns to the thought of my



The low frequency

So, I don’t shift often, even if I say my phantom shifts are more common than mental shifts. Part of me puts it down to being human character fictionkin, the other part puts it down to my identity being so deeply entwined that sometimes it isn’t too noticeable. Shifts for me are somewhat odd - and some are downright painful. I recall some phantom shifts of mine were pretty much like a direct reliving of the event, and thankfully it has never happened since.



This world feels wrong...

It does, and not just because it’s my birthday today, I was like this all yesterday as well. I’ve felt strange, just so out of place both at work and at home. Those feelings of being adopted have come back to the surface alongside that, which really tries to dampen my day. I guess sometimes it went into near-dissociative experiences at work, being here but not here, my mind was probably a lot more inwardly focused than I thought. I miss my home, I miss being home, to an extent my shift



Short but sweet dreams

Been a while since I’ve had a kin-related dream, so I’ll try and put down as much as I can remember. Sadly not a dream-shift, unless it counted as more of an involuntary mental shift, heh. - I was at home channel-surfing, when I came across a TV series version of my source on the schedule list, set up to record. I hadn’t done it, so I assumed my parents had. ”There’s a tv series about my life now?” Was about the only thing I recall saying, in pure amusement. Which is what led




As the title suggests, I feel restless, like there’s an itch I just can’t get to. Homesickness keeps coming and going - and this is even without any other canon feeling to it. I feel like what my coworker told me is going around in my head, much more louder than before. There has to be a reason for that, and it’s split thoughts as to whether to pursue that or not. And no I don’t think the two are connected. ... what if I’m wrong? I’m also hungry, which is probably playing a p




I miss my home. Im not even a big city person in this world and yet I miss just that. Moments where I crave the loud, the crowd, the surrounding, the sheer feeling of belonging. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I went now, what I’d feel for being in that place so close to my being. It being my canon or not never really comes into play, with my source pretty much being modern Earth anyway. Luckily, I guess, NYC soundscapes are a pretty common thing on YouTube, and they s



A Shaky Start... and Night

So, this was interesting yesterday, even if it does still leave me shaken, and I plan to continue this discussion with him. ... I thought my first blog post would be a re-introduction, perhaps not... Anyway. A colleague at work is interested in this sort of thing, having an alternate life himself, so we got talking. I got talking about my experiences, and he listens rather intently, fascinated. Then, out of the blue, in dead seriousness he asks me- “Did you jump off a bu


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