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Kinlog 12/28/18 - Northern Lights Season

Winter is one of the best times to see the Northern Lights if you live or travel in the right area, because of how long each day is dark for (although the fall and spring equinoxes are the peak moments). Because of this, I've been seeing a major uptick in aurora photos from all the nature blogs I follow. For me, my reaction to the aurora is definitely an alterhuman thing. I have this feeling/memory regarding them, that the streets in heaven were kind of empty at that hour of night because heaven is full of wimps extremely diurnal beings so I would stay up and walk out there alone just to experience them. They come dancing down among the buildings, bathing everything in light, and flow out past the edges of that place and down into the real sky of the earth. The sounds they make are their own music, and I could trail my fingers through them, change their shape and watch them curl away in spirals that crackled and snapped, fly through them. And that at the moment of choosing to Fall I saw them and it seemed like they were pulling me with them out past heaven and down into the world. The feeling they give me here is powerful, one of beauty and nostalgia in a way they makes me both achingly sad and inspired at the same time. So when I think "light-bringer", I think of the Northern Lights and darkness instead of sunlight. It would feel absolutely wrong for me to say something like "Lucifer was bright and sunshine and God's Favorite" because to me that's not...exactly it. Honestly, I think my interpretation and assumption of the name comes less from my "angelic role" and more from the time I was created, which with the symbolism of Venus and all is just before dawn, aka the darkest hour. A while ago I made some simple art to try and capture this feeling/memory and sentiment, pairing an image with some of the lyrics from the song Dear Wormwood by The Oh Hellos.

Cipher

 

Kinthoughts 11/23/18 - A Moment's Shift

I was walking around my house today and had to pause for a moment, put my hand on something to steady myself, because suddenly my wings felt more present than usual, off-balancing me.

Cipher

 

Kinlog 10/2/18 - Remembrance

So, as I mentioned in my reflection on 3 years entry, recently I discovered that I do, in fact, believe I can have memories from Lucifer. Obviously nothing in the parallel overlap, but recent experience has opened me to the possibility that the rest of that longer history is available to me in this life. Honestly, memories are one of those experiences that I have always been highly skeptical of. I know myself, my imagination, and I can easily recognize the differences between that and getting them mixed up with a memory of another time and place. So when I did suddenly get a memory of another time and place, my brain tried to panic. I'm not comfortable sharing the exact details of that memory at this time (suffice to say that it took place during the process of my Fall), but afterwards I immediately recognized the differences between it and my imagination. I experienced it as a flashback, triggered by an emotional mental shift. It happened in the middle of the day, when I was awake, not tired or in a dream. I was lying down, because I do that sometimes to process the emotions I end up feeling during a mental shift. I'm glad that I was in that position, because the experience was frightening and sudden. As I was thinking, processing my emotions, suddenly something changed. I was frozen in place, and images I could not control overrode what I had been imagining and thinking about. It shifted into first person, and the memory itself lasted maybe 10-15 seconds, lacking sound, just full of emotion and clear images. In my state of temporary paralysis, my brain was on fire in the background, screaming at me that this couldn't be real, I didn't want it to be real, fueling a fear towards the memory even though the idea of it had not scared me before. When I could move again, I was troubled, still in a strong mental shift, and quickly wrote down everything that I had seen and felt in and after the moment. My handwriting was altered, and it took a conscious, slow effort to write in my usual handwriting. I have other examples of normal handwriting from when I got up in the middle of the night and wrote down a dream, so I know what my handwriting looks like even when it is scribbled fast and in a half-asleep state. This was not that. Even now, almost a month after this experience, I still find myself constantly shifty and still thinking about it. I never sought out the memory, I am not interested in actively seeking out more. I would prefer that Lucifer's major emotional baggage stayed on his side of the line, but seeing as that's apparently not the case, it also has me vaguely worried for the future. I know my other self, and I know (even if I don't actively remember) that there are many memories I don't want back. This has been thoughts from a shifty Lucifer.

Cipher

 

Kinlog 9/8/18 - Reflections on 3 Years

Picking up with another reflection after three years of being part of the otherkin community and fully embracing my identity as Lucifer. My first forum account was on Kinmunity, created September 6, 2015. Throughout my time there and elsewhere in the community, I have grown tremendously in my understanding of self, and I continue to make new discoveries to this day.   Many of my new thoughts have all happened recently. Last week, I took a risk and told a real-life friend over Facebook messenger about my nonhuman identity, including all of the specifics up to being Lucifer. Not only was he incredibly accepting, he was unsurprised. He saw in my behavior and personality as a human the traits that marked me as other, as old. It is eye-opening to be able to have someone you know comment on how your true self comes across when you least expect it to be there.   I have also discovered and had to adapt into my beliefs that I think I do and can experience memories of my Lucifer self. Although I have nothing from the parallel, and I suspect remembering what he is doing now would be asking far too much, I understand a key moment at the point of my Fall. Although it was incredibly intense and frightening (what was more frightening was how calm I was after, I kept expecting to find my hands shaking when they were dead still), it was a welcome new experience.   Overall, over the years, more than homesickness I find myself being…person-sick. There are people I miss from that life, that I want to talk to and interact with but cannot. My friends, my advisors, those that I trust the most. In my human friends I have companionship and trust, but the complete, absolute undying loyalty and bond between me and my demon lords represents a kind of tie that is immortal and full of emotion. Shared experience, shared pain, that I do not have with anyone I know now. And while people may have a general understanding of the emotions I talk about, empathize to an extent, they cannot speak to it like someone like Malphas could (for reference, I believe Malphas is to Lucifer as Gandalf is to Frodo).     As I enter my fourth year of fully coming to terms with this identity, I can only hope for greater peace, greater introspection, and potentially more memory as I grow in my spirituality and beliefs.

Cipher

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