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About this blog

My thoughts on my identity, Pan, figuring myself out, and whatever else may come up. My posts tend to be pretty long, but feedback is always appreciated if you have the time. For entries before 10/2018 as well as current and future entries, you can check out letitallflowout.blogspot.com.

The name of the blog comes from the song "Drowning" by NateWantsToBattle. As you'll see, I like to name things after song lyrics.

Entries in this blog


Daydream believer

(I had one lyric about pendulums, and I already used it on the forum, sadly.)   I'm not usually one who follows ideas of "divination" and "spirits" and "magick" and all that stuff. I feel like an idiot when I'm making use of my mini-shrine trying to communicate with Pan, and that's just talking. I never thought about going beyond that, really. But when I was discussing some of my theories on Discord, somebody suggested using a pendulum for communication, after warding it. I thought to myself, hey, why the hell not? The worst case scenario is that nothing comes from it. So as long as I'm ready to take everything I find with a huge pinch of salt, I should be OK. With that in mind, I did a little bit of research and gave it a try.   I used a turquoise necklace I already had as my pendulum, and "warded" it using incense and focusing on the purpose I had in mind. That part felt kind of silly, but I'm willing to try just about anything once. After warding, I established that I was trying to talk to Pan, and determined what meant "yes" and "no" both by asking and by trying some questions that I already knew the answers to. Once I was satisfied, I started asking about my past life, and that's where things got interesting. Again, everything should come with a big pinch of salt.   Assuming I was actually communicating with Pan, he told me that contrary to my working theory, I was not a victim of transformation in my past life. He said I was a faun in that life, but oddly, I was born as a centaur. So that was weird. I then established that I was some manner of shapeshifter. Furthermore, my past life father was a shapeshifter too, and an immortal one at that, but not a god or a titan. My past life mother, meanwhile, was a mortal, though I didn't ask if she was human. Finally, Pan revealed that I was a student of his in my past life, but that we met later in that life when I came looking for him. That was all I could get before he was finished answering questions.   Obviously I'm not taking any of this at face value, and I plan to do it again soon to try to "verify" the phenomenon. But it's still interesting to think about what this could mean if it's true. The biggest question I'm left with is, what's immortal and a shapeshifter but not a god or titan? Limiting myself just to Greek mythology, I found a few possibilities. First up is Phobetor, a personification of dreaming that could appear in the mortal world in the forms of animals and could change his form at will. Whether Phobetor qualifies as a god seems to be hazy based on my very little research, so it's quite possible that Pan wouldn't consider him one, even if he was immortal. Proteus is another interesting possibility; he was more likely to be called a god than Phobetor, but he was known to change form often. Those are the two obvious things I found, but I also found myself drawn to Typhon for some reason. I described him in a prior entry; he's not a god or a shapeshifter, but he is immortal and has been shown with various animal parts. I dunno.   I'm not going to put too much stock into this before doing a bit more to verify things, of course. But it is interesting to think about. It really did seem like the pendulum was working, though I realize it responds to hand movements. Perhaps next time I'll try doing it without holding the pendulum myself. I'll write more if anything else comes up. In the meantime, I am intrigued about the possibilities, and especially Phobetor given how well he seems to match what I "learned."



I will find my way, if I can be strong

It's been a while, hasn't it? Between losing my job, the lack of focus that comes from that, and burning myself out on the subject, I haven't really been focused on my kin identity lately. But I did find myself wanting to start connecting with it again. I didn't have much luck; not working leaves me without my usual routine, and it's hard for me to make things happen when I'm out of my routine. Only this morning when I started feeling a more emotional desire did I decide it was finally time to blog again.
I want to talk about what triggered that emotional response, because it leads into the subject of this post. I was scrolling through my music library, which includes a fair bit of Disney music. As I've described on this blog before, I'm a big Disney fan. This morning I happened to scroll past the song “Go the Distance” from Hercules. I felt a shot of resonance when I saw it (I can't think of a better thing to call it). That song and the related scene in the movie always resonated with me. That’s not surprising; songs about finding a place where you belong tend to resonate with otherkin, and with humans in general. But the scene in the movie resonated too, and that's actually one of the things that I think preceded my “descendant theory.” That is, the theory that my past life self was actually a descendant of Pan in some way.
Now, obviously the theory came later than the movie. But since I've recently found myself thinking about that theory again anyway, it seems like it might be meaningful that I had that jolt of resonance today (keyword is “might”). I had generally tossed that idea on the back burner a little while back, because there wasn’t really any strong evidence for it. It didn’t quite feel right or wrong. Part of that is the always present fear of wishful thinking. Besides the fact that the theory would answer some of my questions, it also would just be cool. So I have to tread lightly with this theory. That’s always been the case. But at this point, I don't think I have much to lose by exploring it again. It would make more sense than my current best guess; if my past life self was a mortal mini-Pan, it would probably make more sense for that to be hereditary than for it to be a choice he made, right?
Here's the last thing though. In the past, when I've brought up this theory, people have suggested that perhaps my past life self was a descendant of Pan in some indirect way, like a long mythical lineage or a spiritual influence in my birth or something. But that's not what I'm exploring right now. Right now I'm exploring the possibility that my past life self was actually a literal descendant of Pan, and a close one at that. Son, grandson, something like that. By staying specific to what resonates most, I'm hoping I'll be able to come to a more clear conclusion.
For this to work I have to stop worrying about how it might look to others. So I'm going to say it plainly: I'm exploring the possibility that my past life self may have been Pan's son or grandson or something like that. If anyone thinks such a theory is conceited and self-important, well, I don't blame you one bit. That's how I used to respond to such things, so I get it. But I have to be shameless if I want to really figure this out.
I doubt this will get me anywhere, but at least I have a mission to keep me focused. I'll post more if anything new comes up.   ----   Addendum: Here's what I'm dealing with. At the moment, the descendant theory as described above feels right. But does it feel right because it is, or because I want it to be? Another way to ask it is, might this feeling be the closest thing to "confirmation" that I'm going to get? And is it enough to modify my best guesses? I'm still not sure. I once again keep getting hints that the theory as I present it is close to being right, but not quite. If so, that could lead to plenty of possibilities. Maybe my past life self was a descendant of Pan further down the line, or due to possession of my biological father, or something like that. Maybe it's like my existing best guess, except that Pan put a bit of himself in past-life-me when past-life-me was born. Who knows? There's a lot to explore.



Feel the eyes of someone looking in on you

Wanting to connect more with my fauntaur side, and hoping to figure out something about the theories I discussed last time, I decided to do a bit of a nature walk last week. As it turns out, there's been this nature preserve in my neighborhood this whole time and I never knew about it. I brought my costume horns and my pipes with me, as I wanted to go for as much "immersion" as I could. This went well for a little while, until other people started walking towards the part of the park I was sitting in. It is difficult to fully appreciate the feelings that come with bringing my horns and pipe to the preserve since I'm always worried someone will see me and think I'm a crazy person. But, it was nice when I could enjoy it. After walking around a bit, I decided to sit on a bench and do some meditation, something I hadn't done in a while. I was concerned that the noise (I wasn't that far from the street) would stop me, but I was actually able to meditate for a little while. Initially I did so with my horns on, but I eventually had to start over without them.   As soon as I began, I started seeing images in my head. Now, this wasn't a regression meditation or anything, so I didn't really expect that. But I did go in focusing on my theory, and it's possible that what I saw is related to that. It was hard to fully make out the images flashing in my head, but my best guess was that it was Pan, in bed with a man who either did not want to be there or was unaware. Maybe because I was focused on my descendant theory, I got the idea into my head that the man was the biological father of past-life-me. This brought to mind the idea that maybe Pan influenced my past life birth by doing something to my biological father before past-life-me was conceived. I have previously considered the theory that Pan influenced my birth rather than being an actual biological ancestor, so who knows? Most likely these things I saw in my head were just manifestations of my own thoughts, but seeing them that way helped me come up with a new idea.   There were a couple of other things I saw during my meditation as well. There seemed to be a lot of snakes and dragons, for one. My mental image of myself also briefly changed, showing my faun self, wearing white shorts. This isn't the first time I've visualized myself wearing white clothes that don't cover much, so I can't help but think that might mean something; previously, I had visualized my past-life-self wearing a somewhat revealing white shirt. So perhaps this is a step towards confirming who exactly my past-life-self was before I met Pan: someone whose job or place required wearing this kind of thing. I've discussed the possibilities before, and I'd rather not go too far into it here. The final thing I saw was a hunter chasing a faun, but the faun was too slippery for him. At the end, the faun slid and knocked the hunter down. No idea what to make of that.   After my meditation, I decided to walk around a bit and listen to music that felt fitting. Primarily I listened to "Cradle of Forest," the song from which I got this post's title. Now, I've talked plenty about how Pan seems to communicate with me through musical coincidences, and how sometimes those are just a bit off, suggesting that he wants me to know I'm close but not quite right. That happened here. The song's lyrics make reference to butterflies, birds, and beasts. At one point for each of them, said creature crossed my path just before the song mentioned them (the "beast" was a squirrel). This, combined with what I said above, leads me to believe that my descendant theory is close but not exactly right. I'll see how that new theory works, imprecise as it may be.   One last thing. On Discord, someone suggested to me that I should use a pendulum to communicate with Pan. I've heard worse ideas; I'll post later about how that goes.