It's been a while, hasn't it? Between losing my job, the lack of focus that comes from that, and burning myself out on the subject, I haven't really been focused on my kin identity lately. But I did find myself wanting to start connecting with it again. I didn't have much luck; not working leaves me without my usual routine, and it's hard for me to make things happen when I'm out of my routine. Only this morning when I started feeling a more emotional desire did I decide it was finally time to blog again.
I want to talk about what triggered that emotional response, because it leads into the subject of this post. I was scrolling through my music library, which includes a fair bit of Disney music. As I've described on this blog before, I'm a big Disney fan. This morning I happened to scroll past the song “Go the Distance” from Hercules. I felt a shot of resonance when I saw it (I can't think of a better thing to call it). That song and the related scene in the movie always resonated with me. That’s not surprising; songs about finding a place where you belong tend to resonate with otherkin, and with humans in general. But the scene in the movie resonated too, and that's actually one of the things that I think preceded my “descendant theory.” That is, the theory that my past life self was actually a descendant of Pan in some way.
Now, obviously the theory came later than the movie. But since I've recently found myself thinking about that theory again anyway, it seems like it might be meaningful that I had that jolt of resonance today (keyword is “might”). I had generally tossed that idea on the back burner a little while back, because there wasn’t really any strong evidence for it. It didn’t quite feel right or wrong. Part of that is the always present fear of wishful thinking. Besides the fact that the theory would answer some of my questions, it also would just be cool. So I have to tread lightly with this theory. That’s always been the case. But at this point, I don't think I have much to lose by exploring it again. It would make more sense than my current best guess; if my past life self was a mortal mini-Pan, it would probably make more sense for that to be hereditary than for it to be a choice he made, right?
Here's the last thing though. In the past, when I've brought up this theory, people have suggested that perhaps my past life self was a descendant of Pan in some indirect way, like a long mythical lineage or a spiritual influence in my birth or something. But that's not what I'm exploring right now. Right now I'm exploring the possibility that my past life self was actually a literal descendant of Pan, and a close one at that. Son, grandson, something like that. By staying specific to what resonates most, I'm hoping I'll be able to come to a more clear conclusion.
For this to work I have to stop worrying about how it might look to others. So I'm going to say it plainly: I'm exploring the possibility that my past life self may have been Pan's son or grandson or something like that. If anyone thinks such a theory is conceited and self-important, well, I don't blame you one bit. That's how I used to respond to such things, so I get it. But I have to be shameless if I want to really figure this out.
I doubt this will get me anywhere, but at least I have a mission to keep me focused. I'll post more if anything new comes up.