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PTSD stuff

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I think I want to be screened for PTSD, if my anxiety and panic attacks are still there when I see my psychiatrist in Feb. I was looking up things that can cause PTSD, and one of the things listed was "learning that the traumatic events occurred to a close family member or close friend; cases of actual or threatened death must have been violent or accidental"

My boyfriends death was very unexpected and accidental, and its left me so emotionally and mentally scarred. I keep having flashbacks to the phone call with his sister, and I start hyperventilating and crying. Symptoms also have to last more than a month. Its been over two months now. I try to avoid things that remind me of him, but at the same time I feel drawn to things that remind me of him. I got the package from his sister yesterday, containing the MLP I bought for him. She also included a lego figure for some reason. I never asked for that. 

I've got the MLP hanging over the top of my laptop, cause thats how he kept it on his desktop. These things comfort me, but hurt me at the same time. I still think hes haunting me, but it does not take the pain and anxiety away. I tried to lay down earlier to recharge some energy, and I ended up having a panic attack and just crying uncontrollably, so I just got back up. I have a lot of random panic attacks, because of flashbacks to that phone call. 

I keep falling back to the denial stage of grief, then I get depressed again. I'm not so much angry anymore, just feeling alone and helpless. If things are still like this the next time I see my psychiatrist, I'm gonna tell her I want to be screened for PTSD. She already increased my medication. My antidepressant was increased from 150mg to 300mg, my anti anxiety med was increased from once a day to twice a day as needed, and my antipsychotic from 20mg to 40mg, and none of it seems to do me any good.

The panic attacks just do not stop, and they just happen so randomly. I'll think I'm fine, that I can get through a full day without having one, and then one will hit out of the blue. I have SO few people I can actually talk to or reach out to for support, because just about everyone in my life is so sick of hearing about it. So that just makes me continue to feel totally alone. I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him. This has really messed me up, and theres so few people I can actually talk to about it.

 



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