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New Years stuff

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My New Years eve sucked. It started out okay, until my depression hit. I spent it alone, cause mom went to my aunts to party over there. They did buy me some alcohol so I could have a few drinks here. The original plan was to get slightly drunk and watch 50 Shades Freed, thinking it would be bad and my headmates and I could have fun snarking it. But it was actually really good. The first two movies were bad, and I expected the third to also be bad, but it wasn't. I was crying by the end. Happy crying, but also sad crying because I'll never get to have a physical relationship at all.

Then I threw up and decided I was done drinking for the night. Then my despair hit and I stood in the middle of my room sobbing and yelling to Aiden that no one gives a shit about me. This was all before 8pm, so I still had the rest of the night to go. I eventually "calmed down" but spent the rest of the night feeling really alone and miserable. New Years day was... slightly better. I had a couple small break downs, but not like I had on New Years eve.

These random break downs are just going to continue to happen. I still plan to talk to my doctor about being screened for PTSD, cause I fit a lot of the symptoms. I've also figured out that its my antipsychotic thats making me SO exhausted during the day, so I've decided to not take it as soon as I wake up. Cause it just drains all of my energy and leaves me lethargic and unable to function for several hours. So I will be either taking it later in the evening or right before I go to bed at night. Gonna talk to the doctor about that too.

I don't expect any good in this new year... unless I finally get approved for SSI. But thats not going to take my pain and depression away. My very best friend is gone. The only close friend I had or will ever have is gone. I cannot get close to other people, I don't even know how. Aiden kinda pushed himself into my life and forced his way past my walls. No one else will do that. No one else will care to do that. I am prepared to spend my entire life alone and broken because of this. If it turns out it did cause PTSD, they'll prolly want to change up my medication or put me on something else. I dunno how that works. I've never had PTSD before. But this time I fit a lot of symptoms, including the traumatic flashbacks, cause I have flashbacks to the phone call with his sister and it just makes me start hyperventilating and sobbing. 

Apparently learning of the death of a loved one can cause PTSD. Cases of actual or threatened death must be violent or accidental. Aidens was accidental, and its left me so very traumatized. I guess thats it.

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