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anhinga anhedonia

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haha it's a play on words

Anyway, that play on words sums up how I'm feeling and have been for a while. Like I just can't enjoy things that require relating to the human perspective. There's a lot of TV to watch but I can't enjoy any of it because I feel so detached from the experiences and feelings it's based on. (Especially if they're gender-specific, for some reason. It's like double bad because I don't relate well to gender divisions and don't relate to most human experience in general) Can't enjoy events. Can't enjoy socialization, even when my normal issues are accounted for. Can't enjoy games. Can't enjoy reading or any of the things I normally enjoy.

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at everything. It's normally not this bad, usually I can find a place in human society and experiences somehow if I really force it. But I just...can't, lately. Nothing feels right at all. Trying to make it feel right just makes it worse because now I have to think about it. Everything is so wrong. I could make it stop by trying to "live in the moment," but I can only do that for so long. I can only look at pictures for so long. I can only clear my mind for so long before the voices start flooding back in again and telling me that everything is wrong.

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Well, I'm inconsistent. literally the day after I posted this and now I'm feeling better. I swear, this was real and I really had been feeling that way for a while! And it will probably come back. It comes and goes. I dread the day it comes back.

I won't delete this because I need to stop denying it happens when I'm in my "satisfied personality phase." I'm a mess, and I need to clean myself up. No more hiding things from myself.

I'd love to have a long chat with a mental health professional who might be able to help me sort things out, but I don't have access to that, so self-reliance and broadcasting online it is then.

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