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On closeness

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I don't know how to be close to people. I associate closeness with romance, which I'm told is an unhealthy way to think, but I cannot help that. I was close to Aiden and considered him my closest friend, because there was a lot of cutesy affection between us. I don't seem wired to understand platonic closeness, so I don't have any other close friends. I have friends, just no close ones. And according to one of those friends being unable to understand platonic closeness is going to push people away and make them give up on me.

I don't think its my fault that I don't know how to get close to people. People try to "help" but just end up making me feel worse, and maybe thats why I feel like I don't have many friends. Because I don't need to be told to move on, to give up on doing EVPs every day, that I can't sit around waiting on a ghost, that I'm just going to make myself miserable. I'm gonna be miserable regardless, at least focusing on trying to get EVPs and stuff gives me something to do. I've given up on so many things already, I don't want this to be another thing I give up on.

But I don't have close friends. I'm afraid to talk to most people, because I never know what to say... except to talk about how depressed I am and how much I miss Aiden. I stop responding to people out of fear and just generally having nothing to say. I don't have hobbies and the only real interest I ever had was soulbonding, but I don't even want to talk about that anymore. I don't want to talk about anything, except how alone and broken I feel.

I dunno how to have close friends. I dunno how to be close to anyone without romance there. If that really does make people just give up on me, maybe I'm not meant to have friends at all.

 



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I think many people don't really know how to make close friends. Including myself, that is. I'm not a very social guy, and not at all romantic. Most people who are usually around me are my family and the colleagues/project partners from work. I've got a few old friends from school and university, but they're far away and we don't meet a lot. I always felt being with others too much would take away a lot of my personal freedom... I just like to do my things. I guess my hobbies help me to not sit around all day; usually, they give me enough to do.
 

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All I do is sit around all day, unless I'm walking to the store, which isn't very often. I go grocery shopping once a month, but walk to the closest store for little things once in a while. But I don't have hobbies anymore, I never really did. Friend said gaming and soulbonding are both interests of mine... weeeeeelll to an extent. I only play one game and most of the time I hate it and never feel like playing. SBing was a huge interest once, but I've become so depressed that I don't even care about that anymore. I mean, I still care about it and I care about my own SBs, especially my husband, but my depression makes it hard to express that. 

Depression is a bitch, it just kills my desire to do anything or care about anything. I was diagnosed with major depression before Aiden died, his death just made it worse. I also have an adjustment disorder, so I don't adjust to things like a normal person, which makes his death even harder to deal with for me. Not having close friends doesn't help either, because I just end up feeling alone and isolated. I always had him to talk to, but now I don't.

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That depression problem is really nasty. It's good to hear that you have professional help. I never suffered from anything like this, so I can't tell much about it. All I can tell is that I'd get pretty bored sitting around all day. It may happen that I don't leave the house for 2 or 3 weeks (only for grocery shopping), which to others might seem like "sitting around". And sometimes I actually do that, but eventually I'd continue to plan a new bike, program an automatic stock exchange trader (gosh, if it'd only work :classic_tongue:), glue some carbon fibers together, do some sports, and so on. Even if I'd be stuck in the hospital and couldn't use the laptop, I think I'd just grab myself some paper and a pen and start learning to draw... Being active in a community is new to me, actually. And I never did much gaming. There's just no time left.

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