I mentioned on the forum and my status that I recently decided to rejoin TG - aka Therian Guide, another 'kin forum and one I have quite a bumpy history on. The new account I made got merged with the one I had on there back in 2015, which was right in the thick of my spirit kintype awakening. Looking at my old posts is... less "cringy" than I thought it would be. It's actually quite nice, too see how far I've come and how much of what once existentially confused me has now fit itself into place.
One of the more interesting things I've found is my old journal on there. I remember feeling so embarrassed whenever I posted on there, but rereading it, everything sounds perfectly fine and I did a good job of keeping my head on my shoulders despite the terrible emotional state I'd been in at the time. It's kinda weird too, seeing references to things that happened, plans I'd made that fell through, hopes that felt so impossibly far off at the time... "I don't think I'll be living on my own for quite a while yet." Hey, past me. I did it. I live alone now, and I'm an adult, and I'm doing fine and everything's pretty great. You got through it, past me. Everything worked out and everything's getting better.
"Y'know, I've never actually seen a wolf." I've seen wolves, now. At the local wildlife centre in Dundee. They have a whole pack there. It's... about as emotionally intense as you'd expect it to be. I want to be with them. I want to be one of them and join in the play fighting and wolf cuddle piles. I want my old pack back. I miss my home. I miss my family. I could have a new pack here, as a human. I could form those kinds of bonds with other humans, even. Maybe. It's a lot. But I like seeing them, even if it makes me feel a bit sad and a bit lost. "Whenever I think of a job working somewhere like that, WIV MAH WULF BROS, my motivation goes right through the roof, so maybe I'll manage to endure the crap. For that." Oh yeah. I forgot. It was that feeling of wanting to work with wolves that kept me going when I was in a bad place. I haven't exactly given up on that, but it's not been my focus for a long while. But hey. I should stick an application in to volunteer at the wildlife centre once I get my driving license and a car. Might be a long wait to get somewhere with it, but maybe I could get to know the pack there like I wanted to. Have some wolf friends!
But that's not the thing that hits me the most. Rather, it's the stuff I wrote about my spirit kintype, which I didn't understand at all back then. I would just link to the particular entries, but I can't - they're locked behind the whole member's only privacy thing, so most of you wouldn't be able to read them! So I'll copy the more interesting ones and post them here instead.
"CAN'T SLEEP. Dunno why. This is frustrating. I've actually been having problems sleeping for a few weeks now, which is weird - I mean, I used to have insomnia but that was like 3 years ago or something. I've been sleeping fine for so long, I don't know why this has started up again.
I dunno what to do. I suppose I could just lie in bed until I fall asleep. Mhh.
Well, anyway I came to a really obvious conclusion and I can't believe I didn't even realise this before. Or well, I kinda did but it got lost a bit in my general confusion and frustration.
I'm like 98% sure my god-kintype is psychological. Like, oh mah god revelation right there, I'm not actually a freaking reincarnated deity! /sarcasm
Which is actually what I thought right when I first awakened. It makes so much sense I can't even believe I haven't thought about it like this in so long (makes me feel 1000000% better because 1. I actually feel less crazy, and 2. I can drop all the existential bullshit).
Because... well, uh, the last few years of my life have been... bad. I know I talk like a goof - that's because I am a goof! Levity is basically my coping mechanism. Instead of getting upset, I make dumb jokes. Laugh it off. That's the kind of person I am. That's how I've figured out how to stay sane through all the pain and hardship.
I'm not going into what happened. It's a hell of a long story and not something I particularly want to think about right now (won't help me sleep at all, either) but basically, in the end I had to be the 'mature' one, even when I was young. Sometimes I used to feel like I was the only thing stopping everything from falling apart - I mean, I had my brothers, but we were all children. And it wasn't just for a short period of time. Just as we'd solve one problem, something worse would come up. What that adds up to is like half my life filled with trauma after trauma, all coming from different sources. And through all that, I never broke down once. Fucking... 5 or 6 years of being abused or seeing other people being abused, and I held everything inside because I had to, because there was literally no other choice. I was stuck being the strong one, but there was nobody to be strong for me.
So I just shoved all the negative emotions down into the back of my mind, and I didn't notice while they festered there, because I was too busy doing my best to stop everything falling apart even more than it already was. That sort of pain doesn't just go away and die though, does it? So *points dramatically* that's what this fucking dragon is. It's all that pain and anger, mushed up into something that basically doesn't give a damn about anything in any way at all. It is the polar opposite of me. Where I'm warm, it's cold. Where I'm empathic, it's completely apathetic in every single way. Which is why is scares me so much.
All the other stuff? Well, okay, some of it doesn't make any sense at all. But it being a dragon makes sense, because I was obsessed with dragons as a kid. I never once acted like a wolf. I was always a dragon. I even remember having phantom wings when I was young. The 'god' parts of it - well, they kind of stem from the feeling of invulnerability, and one way to feel invulnerable is to literally not give a shit what happens to you. Some of the other stuff I'm sure is just parts of my personality popping up, or symbolism. The storm thing? I used to be terrified of storms. I'm not anymore. But of course any embodiment of my anger and sadness is gonna pick a thing with emotional history behind it as a symbol. But that kind of explains why I felt so off calling myself a 'god' - because I'm not one, that's just the closest thing I could think of that I could relate to in that sense, since it seems so alien to me. The feeling of being old could actually just be me being so damn tired of everything or something.
It all just adds up in the most obvious ways possible. I'm an idiot. Why didn't I make this connection before? Because is wasn't 2 in the morning before
Y'know... I actually 100% approve of this as a coping mechanism. I know it doesn't sound healthy, but really - all my negative emotions trapped in their own little Tartarus in the deepest parts of my subconscious, manifested in a way that they don't interfere with my daily life. It's not even an entirely negative kintype, which is pretty impressive considering it basically consists of pain and bad memories. Even when it comes to the surface, it's usually when I'm on my own and basically just numbs my emotions for like half an hour, turns me into some grumpy deadpan turdbasket but that's it.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm actually okay with this. I can't believe this has been driving me insane for a year and a half, and in one sleepless night I've basically figured the whole damn thing out.
Also gonna go edit my profile to mention this. 'Cause it seems way less awkward being godkin now I've figured it's actually just my brain being screwed up. And also I'm guessing it's kinda less awkward for everyone else too since I'm not prancing around claiming to be an actual, literal god (not that I ever even was). xP
I need some celebratory nachos. Except we don't even have any nachos in right now, goddammit.
I'm still not tired, though. Uugh. Might take this opportunity to go binge some webcomics or something. *shrugs*"
I can definitely see why I came to that conclusion. I was definitely wrong, though. Yep, this was from back when the best word I had for my spirit kintype was some kind of "god", but even then I knew the word wasn't actually right for it. It was just the best I had. This was also before I had a lot of the more poignant experiences with it that helped clear up what it actually is. But I guess this just goes to illustrate what a long and difficult journey this has actually been for me. It always has been a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. It's not something I would ever choose.
Then there was this entry I made the very next day.
"*generic groaning noises* Sleep deprivation + manual labour = infinite sad faces :c :c :c
I've hit a bit of a hurdle with the whole godkin = psychological thing. Or well actually a couple of hurdles. Which is really kinda frustrating because I thought I'd figured it out, and in a way that was actually sort of sane. Not going into it, but there's just so much stuff that doesn't add up... but I really don't want to just ignore the fact that the majority of it can be explained psychologically. Anyway while I was out mowing our (RIDICULOUSLY HUGE) garden today I came up with two things that might be going on here:
1. It's two kintypes I'm mistaking for one. One of them is psychological, the other spiritual. But that still kind of sucks because most of the spiritual stuff only makes sense from the perspective of a godkin or something similar, which means I've still got all the existential stuff on my plate which I really don't want to have to deal with. But then, maybe I'm only jumping to that conclusion because, when it comes down to it, I know fuck all about this sort of stuff. There might be something perfectly normal out there that explains how I feel. When I've got some spare hours I think I'm gonna have some intense RESEARCH MONTAGE and read up on some mythology n' stuff. I feel like I relate pretty well to demonkin so that's probably a good place to start.
2. It's all one kintype that's just been skewed by the psychological stuff. If it's spiritual, then it's likely been hiding in my subconscious for years, so I guess some weird obscure part of me could have latched onto it and poured all the bad feelings into it without me even being consciously aware of it. Maybe that's a little far fetched? Idk. That's the only way I can think of it being both psychological and spiritual. In which case, whatever I actually am spiritually is completely mixed up by that, and my perception of it could be entirely wrong because of it. But I don't know how I'd go about separating the pain I've felt this life from whatever's at my core. I think the best thing I could do if this is the case is try and start over with it. Figure it all out again from scratch. Or maybe just let it lie. It's not disruptive, and really it's only curiosity making me want to figure it out anyway. I guess I need to quit asking questions I don't want to know the answer to.
I'm gonna look into the first option first because... well, I like research anyway, and it seems a lot less emotionally taxing. Might even be fun - actually it's pretty much guaranteed I'll enjoy it because READING + MYTHOLOGY = YESSSSSSS.
Another thing that happened today was that while I was cutting the grass I had to get pretty close to this weirdly ominous stone at the back of our garden - it's upright, a little more than waist-high, broad and shallow. Kinda looks like a gravestone just from the way its positioned, but if it is then, just going by the weathering, it's been there a hell of a long time. I had to get the lawnmower right up against it to get all the grass, and I just... *shudders* I'm not superstitious but that thing freaks me out. I'm suddenly very, very glad we're moving house this week. Except I'm not done the grass yet so I have to go back out there with it.... hhghgehjdhsjhdd"
That fucking stone! I don't actually remember writing this, but I remember the goddamn stone. Because it was that night that the bloody poltergeist showed up at like 1am and started crashing about and banging in the bathroom, and I spirit m-shifted and threatened to eat the poor bastard. (Well, more like deconstruct it and absorb its being, but. Same thing if I'm honest). He stopped after that. No ghost-eating for spirit-me. But I avoided his dumb standing stone after that. So yeah. That was pretty wild.
As for my theories. It was #2. And after realising the bad feels weren't intrinsically a part of it, it was easy enough to separate them and start exploring my spirit kintype without the psychological stuff skewing my understanding. It was around that time that I started calling it a kind of demonic entity rather than a godlike entity. And from there, after a couple years' worth of questioning and self-reflection, I came to the conclusion that "demon" wasn't the best name for it either. You guys who were on the old KM probably remember that! Funnily enough, my increasing understanding of this part of myself also coincided with a pretty significant improvement in my mental health. It might be a coincidence, or it could be that without so much depression clouding my mind, it was easier to see my spiritual self for what it really is.
So. I'm not a monster. I'm... mostly not a demon, and I'm certainly not a god. I look like a dragon, but I'm not one (I don't think). I am four billion years old. I am connected with storms, but also practically every other natural force that effects the planet in any way, no matter how small. My spirit self doesn't feel emotions like humans, or even animals, do - but it does have emotions. It does feel angry sometimes, but more than that it feel sadness and grief and love for all the weird, savage creatures on its weird, savage planet. It isn't apathetic, but it is quite distant from the struggles and trials of any individual animal. It has to be. Because it cares so deeply for all of them, but it can't let itself become invested in any one life, because that's not its job. When I shift, I feel disconnected from this life and the emotions I feel, but it's not because my higher self doesn't care about any of the stuff it's going through down here in this mortal form. It's because there's so many experiences, so many lives, and each one was meaningful, but amidst the millions of years of life lived, any one single life is going to feel pretty small. It doesn't mean what I do here doesn't matter. It doesn't mean my life here is meaningless.
What it does mean is... I'm free. I don't have some purpose I'm here to fulfil. This life is one of many. My only purpose here is to live and experience the world to the best of my ability, and to have a fun time doing it. To think and feel and hurt and grow and learn and, eventually, die. And then do it all over again. It's not a bad existence, y'know. I used to think it was, but it's not. I like life. I like that I don't have some grand purpose to fulfil. I'm just a human who is kind of a wolf, kind of a leopard, secretly a spirit but that doesn't actually matter. And I'm going to make a good life for myself, and be a happy, successful wolf/leopard that is a human being that is a part of a world that is me.
Things won't always be okay, and there's gonna be times where I feel unwell again. But that's just the nature of life. It's the hardships that give the good times meaning.
I've come so far, and I'll keep on going.