The last few months I've been asking myself, am I still Kemetic? I'm not in that community anymore. So if community is part of the definition, then no. I never really got into doing the rituals, daily or otherwise, so if ritual is part of the definition, then no. What about the Netjer? Are they inherently Kemetic, or do they transcend that time and place? My earliest thoughts on the subject of my origins were not of this plane of existence, maybe parallel to Earth, maybe overlapping or crossing it, but not specifically of it. I've never believed that I was exclusive to that one river valley.
If I'm not Kemetic then what of the Netjer? Who are they, and who am I in relation? How much of that was a real connection shared, and how much was iconography and seeing what I was expected to see? All those ulterior motives and schemes that I read about, are those real, or shadows that the humans painted on walls? Bringing us down until we looked like them, but I didn't hear anyone complaining that it happened. They played along. It served a purpose and didn't seem to be hurting anything. At least that's how I think it went.
Spirits, pure energy forms, don't really pass a lot of judgments. Humans say we care about XYZ, so, sure, why not? It seemed important to them at the time. It seemed to make them happy to go along with it. Who created whom? You wear the mask, but the mask serves a purpose and it fits well enough at the time. So, why not wear it? Then they forget that there's more underneath that useful construct. Some of them see beyond it, and many do not. Some catch a glimpse and just as quickly forget what they saw because words don't do it justice.
And there's me, stuck on the other side, looking back, with this mind that is like a tiny cup. It overflows and I can't hold on to it. Don't even try, my spirit tells me, just live in the now and see it when it comes. Not supposed to hold on to it, let it flow in and out.
So I try to see beyond the masks, and I'm not sure what I expect to see there. Words don't work anymore. Walls and borders disappear, as they were probably arbitrary to begin with. This human mind doesn't know how to begin to get reacquainted.
But if it's all so abstract and above it all, then why does my spirit cry and scream out in the night over something I can't remember? Maybe these masks are not completely without substance.
Djehuty came and sat with me in his role as physician. He doesn't care what I did or did not do. He tries to cool my mind and return me to balance. Today we sat with each other in silence, our energy forms overlapping slightly. It's like standing at the edge of the ocean, feeling the sand shift as the currents play around your feet. Without saying a word, we discussed the moon and its cool, silver light that brightens the dark. For a moment, I smiled.
This is how I can reconnect with the others. No prayers. No asking or offering or telling. Just being.
Underneath all the shadows that got in our way, I think that's all they wanted of me. Maybe that's all I wanted of them too.