Leaving The Body + Angry Mew Mew
[Daily Life #3 - Jan 31st, 2019]
Content Warning: Angry Cat & Dissociating
(This is old news but I thought it would be good to share anyways. I originally had egodeath and egocide in this write up but I've changed it to dissociating because that is more than likely the better term to describe my experience.. What I experienced was maybe more on the line of dissociating. I was very upset and ended up fading to the back as Zack switched with me. It doesn't happen often but Zack hates it when it does because he's forced to claim my body. Eventually after a few hours to a day, I can normally regain my body back. Now, with that out of the way...)
[[[[[[ZackTheSerialKiller is the Speaker]]]]]]
Rachel was feeling very down today. It's probably what...ummm 12:30 in the morning when she had another meltdown. She was becoming restless in bed continually told me to leave her alone when I asked what was wrong. However, I had quite the idea behind why she was feeling crummy. I tried talking to her,
Zack: "Are those people hurting you again?"
Rachel: "...I just don't feel good right now."
I even attempted to draw her attention to something else. I tried reminding her of the times we spent on the Space Colony ARK but she refused to listen and started to get even more upset. During this time I remembered the conversation I had with Victor last night...Man he was PISSED with what had happened to Rachel. It had something to do with her disassociating while I was fronting, typing away on this adult roleplaying chat rooms. I don't think her departure from her conscious body was something she willingly did herself. Anyways, we had been using this site for a few days now since we were bored and don't really have social lives outside from one another. Ain't like we haven't used this website before...but...you know. Some kinkshaming crap was going on in the chat rooms like always. I was trying to play it off by saying sarcastic things to help Rachel not get too worked up over the discussions. But I don't think it helped much as she gradually began to slip away from herself.
I went on Discord, announced that Rachel "died" and by golly, Victor fumed with rage and lashed out on me when I told him what happened...
Zack: "Guys, hello?"
Zack: "Ummm...Rachel "died" again."
Zack: "I think she couldn't take [name of adult rp site] anymore and "died"."
Victor: "What happened?"
Zack: "Well, people were joking about with kinkshaming and...I was trying to joke around back ummm...and I think Rachel couldn't take it anymore and refuses to take back her body."
Victor: "Hmm...She shouldn't be using such platforms TO BEGIN WITH!"
Zack: "Wooooah calm down. It's ok. She'll take her body back eventually."
Victor: “Rachel is in a situation where she “cannot” feel accepted. No matter how many places you try. She isn’t going to get that satisfaction of feeling accepted by society. Hence why regardless of whether or not she joins chat rooms and websites... it’s not going to change how she feels in society. She can have all the friends she wants, but that isn’t going to change society’s perspective of the things she’s into. Overall she will continue to feel dread.”
Victor: “What I’m saying is that it’s not going to make much of a difference if she’s part of something or not. There is no gain or loss for socializing with others. She will be upset either way. She should focus on the things that make her happy. Things that are personal gain. Things that don’t involve being liked by others. Rachel lives in a world where she will “NOT” be accepted by the general populous and it’s hard and will continue to be hard throughout her life. It doesn’t matter how many friends she makes, she’ll forever dread on the idea of not being accepted.”
I think I mostly understood what Victor was trying to say...Honestly, I just wish she was here with me and not on Earth. I'm not selfish, I just know she'd prefer it here than where she is now. Rachel's getting older, and things are getting harder for her and it worries me. Not physically being by her side is such a major disadvantage. But damn, I swear... it feels like I'm one of the only people who truly understands Rachel. I know what she wants and what makes her happy. But these medical professionals she goes to see don't seem to grasp it and have been making her get even more worked up.. What Victor told me had me go into deep thought all day. I'm still trying to figure out what to do for Rachel. Maybe...I'll know the answer that will help Rachel someday.