There's been a lot on my mind lately... not just 'kin stuff, but a big chunk of it is kin-related. There's some things I've been meaning to write about for months, and just never quite got round to it.
So consider this me starting to get around to it. But not in as neat and organised a fashion as I'd been planning, because... some stuff, it turns out, I just can't express in a way that sounds like anything but what it is. And what it is is a very bizarre personal experience amidst a lifetime of bizarre personal experiences. So, uh. Make of this what you will. (I still don't know what to make of it myself, so I honestly don't care how anyone else feels like interpreting it).
There is a... wolf... spirit... guy who's been meddling with me since I was a teen. I don't know what he is, but current running theory is... a god, maybe? Well, that's what I've been casually referring to him as. That god dude that I don't worship in the slightest, but who is like a weird flaky friend that stops by for banter twice a year or so. I have no idea who he actually is. I don't know what pantheon he might come from, if any (though... someone suggested Kemetic once and that doesn't feel wrong, so maybe that'd count as a starting point. I don't know). I have no idea why he's bothering me - that is, big scary angsty spirit me who took years just to stop behaving in a directly hostile manner towards him? It's... weird to think about, honestly. This guy is... pretty much the reason I awakened like I did. I never talk about it anymore, but. When I first awakened, this random wolf guy started showing up in my dreams and stuff, and I assumed he was some kind of animal guide, meditated, got to know him. He was helpful but aloof, enigmatic. When he appeared there was (and is) a particular... feeling around him... he is very clearly something from outside of myself. I know that for sure. And... I guess it was extra strange for me when I first awakened because of my lack of spiritual beliefs. I've always been open-minded, but... I certainly didn't expect some spooky wolf guy to start showing up in my dreams every night dumping cryptic messages on me like I was in some kinda fantasy story. Wolf guy was also the one who helped me get my past life memories back, all at once, and when the spirit stuff started leaking through from that... he left. Um, well, actually - I chased him off. Because. Spirit-me sure doesn't like other spirits meddling with its corporeal form.
So... all that's well and good, surely. But... why? Why did this random... whatever he even is, bother to involve himself with the incarnation of a spirit who very much does not want bothering? It feels crazy to even try and figure this out... I barely even believe in gods and whatnot. But then there's all this. There's no way wolf guy wouldn't have known what I was, even if I wasn't aware of it at the time.
But it gets even more trippy when I think... I'm like 95% sure I wouldn't have awakened as a spirit thing at all if it weren't for him. When I incarnate, my intention is to live a completely normal, mundane life as an animal. I block out everything about my "higher self" - there's this... dam? I put up? Stops any memories or anything leaking through. I know this because... I encountered it. It really did feel like a dam - in my mind, stopping something from flooding through. Except it was like a dam made of ice, and whenever I'd try to even just... investigate it a bit, I'd not be able to get a grip on it. But... none of this was a visualisation, nor a mental impression of some physical feeling. It was very tangible, but... not like any physical sense people have? Very strange thing, to say the least. It's hard to find the words to describe it.
So I had this brain-dam, that I wasn't even aware of beforehand. Wolf guy threw me some past life memories (which I had been chasing anyway, since tiny snippets had been leaking through, but I hadn't actually got anywhere with it). The memories themselves were of my life as a wolf. Perfectly mundane and natural. But something else was there too, in the background. Some weird feeling like I was missing something important, and I could feel it looming, and the strongest feeling I had about that was that I didn't want to know. And. Boom. There it was. Suddenly, the dam had a crack in it. Suddenly, something is leaking out. And I, in true Rook fashion, decided I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it and tried to ignore the water pooling at my feet.
I didn't break the dam. It was the wolf guy! And it was after he did that that I started having shifts, and all the other weird stuff associated with this kintype.
How I feel about that turn of events is... complicated, but ultimately irrelevant. The real question here is... why? Why any of this? What would some random... spirit/god/whatever guy have to gain from meddling with what I'm doing here? I mean, there's plenty of possibilities there, but none of it falls within what I'd traditionally class as a "reasonable" theory.
I'm not sure what this means for me on a larger scale, either. Has this ever happened before? Is this gonna have any effect on big me when I like, die and go back to being that thing again? What if some of human me sticks around even then? All the gooey passion and sentimentality - what sort of effect would that have? It's, uh. Weird to think about. I guess the most likely outcome is that this ends up being completely inconsequential, but it's. Strange. To think about the alternatives.
Getting back to wolf guy though: he is still around, but he never picks up the phone. He swoops in randomly, arbitrarily. Usually he just... helps me with my mental health issues, which is as bizarre as anything. All the conversations I've had with him lately have been so... casual? And I don't mind it. Despite all the, uh, complicated feelings I have about the situation, I don't dislike the guy. He's chill. On a lot of levels, he seems to relate to what I'm going through - both in terms of normal life and in terms of spirituality. But he won't answer any of my questions. I haven't spoke to him in a while, and I know exactly why: because the first thing I'd do right now, if he appeared, is try to get some kind of answers out of him. And he's never obliged to that. If I want to contact him again... first I need to quiet my scared, curious mind.
I... don't exactly trust the guy, but that doesn't mean I dislike him. And I'm not scared of him. What's he gonna do? He and I both know we can't actually do any harm to each other. I guess... the thing I'm really scared of is also the thing I find myself chasing so often... answers.
Do I even want to know why? Do I even want to know? Why?
Answers have brought me peace before, but's it's always been hard-won. It's never simple. It's never painless.
Is this the right time for me to be diving back down the rabbit hole? Definitely not. I've got a life to live. It's about time I got started with that.
So I guess. This is me trying to put this question to rest, for now. Frankly, I've got more important stuff to deal with at the moment than some random spiritual stuff that doesn't matter right now anyway. I hope wolf guy talks to me again at some point. I hope I can let go of the questioning enough for that to happen. I don't trust him, I don't understand him, I don't even really know him... but I consider him a friend regardless. Friendship can be complicated like that. I guess I might even go as far as to say I miss the guy. Meddling bastard.