I've always had a... complicated relationship with spirituality. I'm not very good at being spiritual. I don't really view myself as a spiritual person, despite all the spiritual beliefs I hold.
I mean, it's easy enough to figure out why I struggle with it - raised atheist, not even introduced to the possibility of there being something more until I was a teenager and already pretty stuck into the "grounded" worldview. When I started having spiritual experiences, part of me was desperate to find something that might make my life feel more meaningful. As I child, I had always been nervous of deeper subjects because it seemed like everything I learned made the world feel more... clinical, cold; and I was absolutely terrified of death. But then there was the other part of me that felt like every spiritual experience I had was imagined somehow, and I was scared of getting trapped in some fantasy and losing touch with reality. So... it was hard. Finding that balance is hard, especially when you're basically trying to unlearn things that were introduced to you as a child.
I've gotten better at dealing with it now, and I feel more comfortable discussing these things than I ever have before - but it can still be a struggle sometimes. It's not always easy for me to take my experiences at face value. Whenever something new happens, I have to poke and prod at it, find where it fits into my (predominantly scientific) view of the world. Some people view science and spirituality as opposites - I did, for a long time - but they shouldn't be. If something is real, it should fit into reality, yeah? All reality. You can't have a separate scientific and spiritual reality. Or, well, maybe you can - but I can't. If I'm going to believe in something, I'm going all in: it's gotta work, it's gotta be possible within a scientific understanding of physics and reality. Because then, it fits in with the rest of my worldview. It becomes less of a fantasy and more of an unproven hypothesis.
I'm not a "scientific" person, really. I can't do academics. I learn about science as a hobby, because I genuinely enjoy it. I'm never going to prove or disprove any of my ideas because I'm never even going to try. I don't know if it would be possible to prove some metaphysical concept even if it were objectively real. And my brain certainly isn't geared towards figuring that shit out.
I'm an ideas person. My life is built on trial and error. Think of an idea, make it run the gauntlet, when it falls or fails then I make a new, better one that'll get a little further through. Maybe one day I'll find one that can reach the end, but I don't need to.
Last night I was playing around with some ideas. There's plenty of things I don't like to think about, so I often don't. But... I really should think about these things. I dunno what the end goal is, but I think understanding is important even if it can be uncomfortable, or... unnerving. So eventually my mind turned to one of the last big mysteries I have left: Wolf Dude. Except... usually when I try to get in touch with him, it's to try and get some answer to some big question, which I know he won't respond to. He's always been very reticent about things like that; I've gotta figure out things for myself, and occasionally he'll let me know if I'm on the right track. But last night I didn't have any questions to ask. I just wanted to know if he was still checking in, since I hadn't heard from him in a while. He's communicated with me through my playlists before, so I gave shufflemancy a shot; after a lot of concentration and a few tries, I landed on something that gave me that funky feeling in my chest that I get when I'm onto something.
And some things kind of clicked.
I'd always wondered why someone like Wolf Dude would want to bother with a being like me. My spiritual self isn't exactly... sociable. I guess I assumed there was some ulterior motive to him "poking the bear" (and gods, does Wolf Dude know how to poke). But then, when thinking about it I'd run into the old problem of this all feeling too complicated and surreal to actually exist, so I'd try to pin it on some psychological thing even though he's always had a very distinct presence that feels like nothing else I've ever encountered in my mind. So then I'd stop thinking about it and get nowhere. But last night it occurred to me that... well, he might not be interested in big, angry spirit-me. Maybe he's interested in human-me? Here, now-me. And that thought got a mental nod from Wolf Dude, so I kept following it.
So then I got to the question of why anyone would possibly be interested in human-me, because. I'm kinda a mess! Like, not as big a mess as I used to be, but still. And I guess it kind of occurred to me that... well, for a very long time I've been stuck in apathy towards worldly things, because that's what my spirit-self is like. My spiritual self didn't come here to change its world or stop anything from happening, it just came here to observe. So that's what I resigned myself to doing. It wasn't that I didn't want things to change, but I guess I'd got myself into this illogical loop of believing I couldn't change things because that's not what my purpose is. Which... is dumb. Screw fate, I do what I want!
And that, I think, is what Wolf Dude's been trying to get me to realise. I still don't know why he helped me awaken, but... he made me realise that I don't need to be what my higher self is. I'm my mind, not my soul - and my mind is a very angry, very passionate animal-human who cares way too much about practically everything, and will fight anyone who tries to stop me from doing what's right (...for better or worse).
Maybe my spiritual self is content to sit around doing nothing, but I'm not.
I don't think I can really make much of a difference in the long run. Like I said, I'm not an academic. I can't do science, not even science I really, really care about. But... I do have a pretty unique perspective on things, ahah. I doubt there's many people around who feel as integrally connected to the planet as I do. Not a lot of people feel connected to deep time in the same way, and not many people have that instinctual understanding of how nature works or the level of empathy I have. Even if it is "all in my head", it's gotta count for something - right? I'll make it count for something.
...In a few years. Gotta get myself healthy and functional, first. But that's okay. I've got time.