I've never been a too emotional being, but I always loved to be out in the nature. I felt I belonged there. But end of 2018 something happened to me, something changed in my brain. And the world turned upside down. What you read next is not made up. It happened to me, today and here.
EDIT: I've blocked the blog entry at this time because I'd like to direct the talk to the discussion thread. Thank you for posting any feedback or questions there!
Since the weather was super fine today, I did a short walk. I live in a house at the edge of a small village; outside, there is a small hill. There are only green fields there, and oftentimes there's nobody around. When I go up there, I can easily look 6 miles over the hilly countryside. So I walk up the hill on the farmer's lane, nobody else is there, there are trees and grass at both sides and nature all around me. And as soon as I walk 100 meters away from my house and look at the plants, I can feel... this is where I belong. But it's more than that. It feels like.. nature and life, that is me. All of it, every stone, every flower, every tiny insect, every bird, even the air. And then I can feel... life. Energy. Insanely strong and overwhelming energy and I feel like... some would call it love, but I better describe it as "I am them. They are me. All is one". It's damn hard to explain I tell 'ya.
I have done this three or four times since beginning of the year, and it always happens. Sometimes I'm wearing headphones and listening to music, which makes me feel it even stronger, but that is not needed. Today I didn't and found that the feeling does not come from the music, it comes from me and from nature. I just only need to open all my senses, and listen to myself. It also doesn't feel like it comes from my brain, it's.. deeper, inside, heck.. I don't know how to put this. My soul? My heart? Also, this is not imagined. I know how it feels to use my imagination. I don't need to do anything, it just happens. When I see a stone, my rationality can tell me it's a stone and it's not moving and made from minerals and cold and heats up in the sun... and then my imagination jumps on and visualizes how the stone feels if I touch it, how it could feel to be a stone and so on. But when I switch off all of this, and don't think about anything, I would still.. still get that energy feeling, only by listening to all my senses. When a bee would fly by, I'd get an energy burst that would run through me like an electric surge. When I'd concentrate on a grass stalk I would get another energy feeling. When I see a bird, I would feel it. When I walk over certain places, I would get an energy surge from Earth. Finally when I returned, I looked up to the sky, and I immediately knew: this is where I belong, where I should be. It's always like that. As soon as I'd only listen and open up myself, it would start.
Don't get me wrong: I embrace all of this, I'm utterly fascinated. But what the heck happened to me?? Is it the ability to open up my energy field, is it a new sensorial skill? I think it's more than just sensing. I can control if I want to sense or not; I can switch something like a protection shield on and off (it's switched on by standard, thankfully). I feel my own energy, and I can control it. I can spread it over other things, burst into blue plasma - I can do it in nature just as I do in meditation, and if I do it in nature, my body feels unreal, everything I see feels unreal, but the energy feelings I get are ridiculously strong. I know I could do this before, but it was never so insanely strong, and it didn't fade since beginning of 2019. I didn't even meet animals or touch a tree today; but from earlier walks I'm sure if I would have done that and opened my senses, I may have fainted from their energy. It even seems that some of the animals notice if they turn on their senses.
This is way, way beyond just enjoying nature, it's a feeling of... being nature and animals that's so wickedly overwhelming. I'm catching for breath, I'm coming back from the walk all confused and shaking my head and asking myself "what the heck was that"?? Nobody ever told me how to do that, I'm not a religious guy at all, I didn't read any esoterical stuff during christmas, all I did was listening to music and reading a fantasy comic with dragons in and looking at dragon pictures... and boom, my world was turned upside down.
I need help to understand this. I have my own theories, but I've opened a thread to discuss... if you're a guest reading this, please feel free to leave a comment. Please note: I don't want treatment. This is absolutely not an illness. Something tells me this is the greatest skill I've ever aquired in my life. I just only want to understand it. I also don't need a god or a religion; all of this is about me and nature and Earth. Religios explanations will be appreciated, but I will not attribute this to a deity being because I don't feel that this is right.
Thanks so much for reading!