Integration Blues - Zep's Perch - Kinmunity Jump to content
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Integration Blues

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I keep going on that cycle of accept and reject. I'm trying to accept these days. Trying to get my median butt unified. Unified with him though, so problems are inevitable. I trace him back through the time in between. They washed him out. Took away his agency. Turned him into a symbol, and then merely paid lip service to that symbol. But, isn't that what they always do? They did the same thing to their own guy too, my sympathies, J-man. Isis, Horus, Bastet, Anubis, Osiris, Seth, such a narrow collection of foreign names that made it through the pass. Each one modified from the original, given a make over to suit their new tastes. Horus, a shining symbol of justice with no teeth and no personality. Isis, the kind and gentle mother and Bastet the sweet and joyful kitten, also without teeth. Anubis (God of Death!) and Seth (God of Evil!) adopted by the edgelords. Osiris and the mummy curse horror show. It makes me tired to think about. I don't consciously remember, but it's like striking a bell and hearing it ring. More than two thousand years of, whatever that was. 

It feels like things are changing fast this summer. My circumstances are changing, my body is changing, my soul is changing. I feel the sun beating down on me even while indoors. I felt sunburned on the inside yesterday, which probably did make me cranky. I took refuge back in my room, and there I finally got relief. 

There's a house, a palace maybe, where all the Herus live together, when they happen to be there. My room is not so big. There are a few pillars and an open balcony, palm trees outside, gauzy curtains. The entire thing, walls, floor and ceiling, are covered in glyphs and artwork. I can't tell you what they look like because they move. They adapt to my mood and what I need at the time. Last night it was tuned to block outside interference, and to damp down my own energies so I wouldn't burn myself further. It worked. The pain eased and I went to sleep. I'm writing that down to remind myself to use it again next time rather than just complaining. 

No more crowns, no more leadership. I'm on sick leave, indefinitely. Feels like letting them down. I asked what they need from me. The reply boiled down to listen and love. Given my changeable state, even that sounds like a challenge, but not too terrible. It's a relief that they didn't ask for more. 

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