Ah, it's nice to have a blog again. I really missed this place. Felt kind of lost without it, to be honest! So. I guess. It's been a while, and I kind of wanted to just... write about what's going on for me. A lot's changed over the past few months, in the absolute best way.
People who knew me on the old site... well, you probably noticed I wasn't exactly healthy for most of the time I was on here. I've been struggling with mental health issues for a long time. And for a very long time, it was hard convincing myself that anything would ever change - that I could ever truly get "better". It's so hard to see hope when you're depressed, or when your anxiety keeps you isolated from the world. I lived like that for way too long. Wasn't my fault, of course... as ever, I was just a victim of shitty circumstance. And I don't know if there's any other way it could've gone. Sometimes the only way to get out of something is to go through it. And I did. And I kept myself alive, kept myself safe. And now it's paying off.
I moved out of my parents' place. It was stressful at first but I adapted quickly (that's something I'm kind of good at)! And yeah, they were right - this is what I needed. Freedom! Independence! I got really lucky, I have to be honest. Was searching for a place for ages, kept getting turned away because I'm young, or 'cause I'm unemployed, or 'cause of the dog. But then I found this place. It's perfect. Small, but not tiny. Big shared garden. Quiet neighbours. And only a five minute walk from my parents' place. Plus it's affordable, and the landlord's a really good guy. Mhya lives here with me so I don't get too lonely. It's better than I could've hoped.
Meanwhile the psychiatrist decided to try me on some new antidepressants, which actually work! It's amazing what a difference it makes, being on the right medication. I feel alive for the first time in years. No more stupid intrusive thoughts, no more self-hatred, and I can actually feel happy now instead of just swinging between kinda depressed and very depressed. I still have bad days, but they're not as bad as they used to be. I have so much more energy and motivation. And because of that, I've started to work though my anxiety issues as well! And I've made so much progress, alone, just pushing myself to do better. I can do this. I don't need anyone to hold my hand.
So now I've applied for a provisional driving license, and saved up enough to get driving lessons once that comes through. Once I get a car (and can drive it) I can go to the college I want to! It's about an hour's drive from here - way too far to do on public transport, but a reasonable distance to drive and definitely worth it! I'm going to do a course in animal care, then move onto veterinary nursing. I think being a vet tech is definitely the thing for me. I love animals and want to work with them, but I'm not squeamish and can deal with the more unpleasant parts of the job. Plus, there's a chance from there I could move onto something even more interesting, like working with the captive breeding programs at Edinburgh Zoo! But we'll see what happens.
What else? Oh, I'm a vegetarian now. For ethical reasons. But I'm a weird vegetarians because I will eat meat, just not farmed meat. Once I've got the transport thing sorted I'm going to learn to fish and hunt small game for myself. A lot of animals here in the UK are invasive and overpopulating, so I can kill two birds with one stone - live a lifestyle that works with my wolfish nature, and help the environment at the same time.
And me and my daemon, Khar (blue text dude!!) accidentally formed a median system but we're completely okay with it. He can front, and holds down the fort if I dissociate from anxiety - he's actually kinda better at dealing with people than I am, ahah. Most of the time we co-front and work together that way. He's... been an absolute lifesaver for me. Sometimes literally. I would be lost without this weirdo. hh flattery no stap . Lately we've been getting back into the daemonism scene and it's fun as ever! Khar's got a new personal form now, which is a ludicrously vibrant dromaeosaur (chosen and designed by himself, of course!). We figured out my Pullman form, which is an American black bear and almost certainly settled. Best form. We're still tripping over the analytical side of things but striped hyenas remain promising, and if not, possibly reptiles? I should quit talking about this now though or I will ramble off into oblivion. (If you're curious about it, PLEASE talk to me about daemonism. I will always talk about daemonism. It is wholesome).
Aaaand writing this was a good way to pass half an hour! Heading off into the city today to run errands with my mum. I think it's gonna be nice. Also I'm going to buy us expensive pizza and it will be awesome.