Paralyzed - Apocryphal Musings - Kinmunity Jump to content
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Paralyzed

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Okay, so I've created this blog to keep some sort of journal of my self-discovering journey, but I think I've been far too obsessed with the matter in the first place, to the point of stagnation or at least, very limited progress. I've read many times that such an obsession doesn't typically bode well, and I knew this, but I'd like to distinguish between knowing and realizing. Knowing is to understand, recognize and recall information, realizing is to be enlightened of the fundamental truth of things. That is my personal interpretation at least.

Life's been a bit difficult, as it usually is. I've always been able to keep my spirits up somehow, which I've always found to be a very strange aspect of mine given where I'm standing, but I'm well aware that change is a dire necessity regardless. I don't see the outside as much as I need to, my body severely inhibits my enjoyment and motivation when I do, sleep schedule hardly exists, tunnel visions and obsessed focus reign over my actions or lack thereof, and because of how all of this is interwoven it requires tremendous effort to better this situation on my own. A feat that I've attempted many times before, always ending with a sudden stop. This is what made self-discovery so extremely important to me. I've often read about people finding themselves, their "higher self" if you will, causing to reach a sort of deep enlightenment. They instinctively know what has to be done and these actions set into motion a series of events which will greatly benefit them.

In light of my experiences today, writing this makes me realize how much my blind faith in such a concept bound me. I've always been a free spirit, finding rules and patterns burdening, always examining the appliance of another's advice with a highly skeptical eye, certain that I knew exactly what needs to be done. I'm looking at what I just wrote and at the end of the paragraph before, and I'm laughing. Who says that this has to be a continuously blissful experience? Who says that these things work a predefined way? I've read a few paragraphs and took them for gold, waited for the light at the end of the tunnel but maybe I've had this light within me during all this time, took it for granted.

Anyway, recently I decided to pick up my cross again and walk the extra miles in an attempt to, once again, improve things for me. It includes a daily schedule, starting off with very few activities that I will do on designated days until they become a habit, then expanding on that schedule. Currently it involves exercise and doing art or reflective writing. I've finished my exercise a couple hours ago, I pushed myself to my very limit, and I've never felt so alive before. I've never felt so "me" before. All of these worries about self-discovery, they just dropped dead. I used to be worried of not being otherkin, not because of me not being "unique enough" but because of losing progress. That, too, simply vanished as if it never existed. It felt so primal, so natural, so good and powerful. All these shackles of who I'm supposed to be, all of what my environment has wrongly taught me to be right or wrong ceased to exist. I was absolutely unbound, eliminating the fraud that is my usual self with the purest essence of "I". Parts of the lyrics of some of the songs I listened to during exercise were so scarily apt. "Aren't you curious to see what kind of monster you've set free?"

Perhaps this is the key. Perhaps I just need to live, embrace what lies ahead and abandon all these ideas, concepts, definitions and my faith in them, because whatever I just stared in the eyes just then defies all translation into language. Maybe I'm not meant to give it names and ponder its nature, and maybe this is a science of the heart, and the heart alone. That, or maybe I just released a lot of dopamine from intense exercise and my mind is trying to comprehend its effects, but why did this never happen before? What made this session so special? Does that even need an answer? How much can you question these things until you crumble under all the eventualities?

Ah well, I think I'll wrap this up and leave it be for now. Thank you, and pleasant day/evening to whoever decided to give this a read.

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