Ib told me he could rewire my reactions to the morning sun warm up. We played with that a bit this morning. He said that I was viewing it as my enemy, so I was fighting it, and so it hurt. I told him it hurt, therefore I fought it. Ra started it, not me. I also realized that the insanity I felt during that time years ago was a symptom of existing in two places at once. If I lost focus on my daily tasks for even a moment I felt dislocated and strange. That was as bad as or worse than the sun's heat.
This morning he told me to relax, to stop fighting. I had an image of myself kneeling with my fist across my heart. He told me to think of the energy as my nourishment. Pain turned to ecstacy. It was still too intense, too much. Once again I felt worn out before even getting out of bed. I'm not entirely convinced that it was an improvement.
Statues and temples are supposed to transfer energy between one realm and the next. I suppose a statue doesn't feel. Put a human in that role, and ouch. Then I also wonder how many active images there are and if I'm carrying more than the usual share. I have used the term "living statue" before, and this is exactly what makes me think of it. Shesep also means "to receive." Versatile name, that. Morning sunlight, and statue/image, and the receiving of it. I wonder if the Nisut realized just how well that name fit when she gave it to me.
Right, the part I didn't write about. They had me tranced out for a good three hours on Sunday while they tried to get Ib cleaned up. I heard them, Aset and Djehuty, say that I didn't realize how bad it was, implying that his sickness would drag me under if they didn't do something. At first I thought that meant they would take him away and I yelled at them about that, or as well as I could in my numbed state. Then I could feel him again, but he was much diminished. I demanded that they return him his strength, we needed that. Two things returned, his rage and his fear. It sounds strange but we need those. That is what has kept us alive all this time. I'm not giving those up. I would never ask him to give those up. Without it he just felt flat. That was not part of his sickness, it was part of his strength. I worried over what else they may have taken away, but we both felt much lighter afterward.