Let's get this restarted since some kinda panic happened. Most of these are also on my personal site.
Therianthropy is confusing. I'm not the first person to say this and I certainly won't be the last one. I've been doing heavy & obsessive introspection for years now. This hasn't been a good way to go about it. I'm content being a coyote but self-doubt was installed at some point. Like, I know I am a coyote. The majority of my behaviors that I don't feel are human match up and no other canid or animal feels as correct as this does.
I guess, for myself, my issue is I have no memory of much of the time prior to the therian community. Can't tell if the chicken came first or the egg. It is an unconscious thing that has stood the test of time. Even times of actively ignoring it. As a matter of fact, I find it is more noticeable when I am not actively thinking or trying to make myself feel more coyote. Attempts at the latter usually fail. I used this as an introspective tool a few months back. My method consisted of:
- Not putting a label to my experiences
- Not forcing myself to feel anything
- Not looking at or watching videos of coyote
- Not reading about coyote behavior
- Not really seeking out info about any animal at all
Taking a label off can be helpful and encourage an unbiased look at what is really happening under it all. It's all coyote for me. That's what I found.
Aside from coyote stuff, I experience feline shifts as well. When I was trying my method out, feline shifts were not very present. I still don't fully know why I experience feline shifts. These tend to come out with anger and an external target more often than not. For that reason, I have my doubts about these being caused by a true theriotype. I need to stop overthinking it.
Addition 6-7-2019; KM intro: Tail that wags when happy and tucks under when fearful but otherwise, doesn't move much. Points straight down. Pointed ears. Canid body shape. Small to medium in size. 42 teeth. Deserts. Mojave, especially. Extreme territorial feelings towards other canines. Mostly dogs as that's what I usually see. Prey drive is almost non-existent but it is there; small animals & insects get my attention best. Stalking & pouncing is a good method but so is chasing. Jaws are for completing such tasks. Yipping, howls, warning barks, whimpering, whining, growling, snarling, hissing, jaw gaping. There's more but I'm not going to talk on it. It seems blatantly obvious, though.
Been working on acceptance of being a coyote. Been testing myself to try to get rid of it and consequently feeling terrible about it. My self-doubts don't come from myself. I was able to realize they come from outside sources. Been wearing a mask so long I don't entirely believe what is underneath it regardless of how I feel but it's obvious once the labels are dropped and everything is ignored.
Adaptability. I don't feel too out of place among people. My adaptability causes some doubt but I realize I have just been comparing my experiences to other people's too much. Ambiguous origins of this trait. Do I adapt and not feel out of place because I'm a coyote or do I adapt and not feel out of place because I am still at least partially human? I don't know.
I can't even differentiate between coyote and human, too much blending but I also don't know what is human behavior. I know I don't understand a lot of it. I don't see what they see in human behavior and what the point to it really is. I know other people don't want to roll on rotten things and don't want to scavenge off roadkill or other found corpses and move on all fours and snatch a lizard or vole or bugs up in their mouth to eat or respond to sirens and coyotes and dogs and violins with barking howls and do all those weirder coyote things. But I do. Is that the divide?
I have no idea and I'm just rambling the first that comes to mind. Me being a coyote feels honest and true but I often have gut anxiety and trusting my gut is nearly impossible as a result. I can say the truest, most objectively observable and verifable thing but my anxiety will not allow an answer beyond "no". I'm trying to fix this. I know my coyoteness is there. I realize that for now, I can observe a yes or no answer from a voice in my mind that I don't influence and a feeling in my chest. I ask about being a coyote and I get "yes". Loud & clear.
Getting Back To Myself:
Apparently my mind is clearest when I wake up and I believe the clearness helps the core part of me out a bit. I wonder if the wake up and howl urge is a thing witnessed in canine behavior or a me quirk. I can't find anything so I'll assume it's me. On a similar note, if I meditate and get to the right state and hear a siren while there, I can't guarantee I won't howl back without even thinking. It's a good thing I'm alone when that happens.
Same with me waking up from sleep after being startled. I bark and snarl and growl until the perceived threat retreats. I do this without thinking. After I've been awake for a while, it gets difficult to be me at all. So used to suppression that I do it without thinking at this point. When an accidental startled bark in early middle school makes you the target of bullying until you move away and start 9th grade elsewhere, you learn that shit real quick.
I'm trying to unlearn it. I've forgotten a lot about who & what I am as a result. I can't forget reading the coyote article in the June 2009 issue of Ranger Rick that I had found at school. I remember the feeling of looking at myself in a sense. This was blocked out by conscious thoughts of my other focuses: wolves & domestic cats. I didn't think much of coyotes until I actually realized what that feeling I had while reading that article meant years later.
I think I need to head out to the desert. I have plans to move to New Mexico once I get the funds. It sure isn't the Mojave that I feel a connection to as a coyote but it's cheaper and I could learn a thing or two about myself there.
I decided to ask myself what I want as a coyote. I decided to do this so that I could introspect a bit. One of my thoughts involved the fact that I would be seeing my pups getting older and joining in around this time of year. Being human has its perks but coyote desires are pretty base. Base and sometimes a bit painful to think about on a conscious level. This is one of those painful coyote things.
It feels a lot like I've been denied a lot of things by being human. This question has helped with my constant skepticism of myself to the point of gaslighting. If I wasn't a coyote on some core level, why would such a thing upset me? I don't think I'd be as upset as I am now if I wasn't a coyote. This is not unlike how I feel when I think of how different my life would be if I was born a cis man instead of being trans. The pain is similar, if not exact, and very real.
Decided to deny everything yesterday. Only lasted 6 hours. Bad gut feeling the whole time, coyote stuff sneaking up on me. That somehow gives me proof but also not quite enough. I tried to think of my humanity some of the time and thinking of that only brought up images of myself-as-myself. Myself is fundamentally not human.
My "humanity" has fur and a long, slim snout with pointed ears and walks on four legs and is feral and canine among other things that would do well in another entry. It's not real humanity (at least not entirely) aside from the superficial appearance you'd see if you were to look at me offline right now. Everything I do and say and think is a nuanced, constant blend of core coyote & superficially human. It may not be noticeable to anyone or even noticeable to myself at times.
Denying what I am all I want won't change any of that. With the integration, I don't think I can truly even suppress anything pertaining to me being a coyote. All of it will bleed through to some degree regardless.
In conclusion, denial doesn't work and I'm a stupid coyote. I will certainly be thinking on this for a bit to see if I have anymore epiphanies.