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Idle thoughts 1

Charias

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I just realised it's been nearly six years since I awakened. Time sure flies, doesn't it? Six years... and I'm two months away from my 21st birthday. Crazy.

I'm not sure what I'm really writing this for, or what I'm trying to express here. I'm just rambling, I guess. But I find some of the best insights can come from just letting your mind wander like this.

I guess... I've been awakened for six years. And I've mostly figured things out, right? I know what I am, almost, kind of-- close enough, whatever. There's no more questions left for me to ask. I know what I believe. I even know why I'm here, right now - why I'm human. (I am human. Mostly. Kind of. Maybe.) And frankly, I don't feel the need to hide the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else; at least, not like I used to. Not that I go out announcing it either, but secrecy isn't constantly on my mind and I don't think it'd be the end of the world if other people found out. And I don't feel dysphoria so much anymore, from any source. So... where does that leave me? Is the journey done? Have I figured it out? Did I win? I always used to say, "never stop questioning." But there's nothing left to question. My mind hasn't got room for any more deep spiritual mysteries.

Which is good, right? Except, in a way, it's... not? I'm practically still a kid! I'm not supposed to have myself figured out! I'm not supposed to understand my beliefs or the core parts of my identity. I'm not supposed to know my personality back-to-front, so well that I can write a ten-thousand word essay detailing exactly who I am and why I'm like that. It's like I got so damn distracted chasing some inner truths that I forgot I was supposed to be living too. I forgot that I'm meant to be young and dumb and have no idea who I am. And I guess I'll pin part of the blame on my mental health issues keeping me stuck in my room and stuck in my own head for way too long. Which is not to say I regret knowing who I am. Not one bit. But then I'm left with this awkward situation of. Well.

What now?

And now, finally, I get why it's so hard for older otherkin to stick around the community. There's no mystery left to solve. It's done. Finished. Case closed!

Except, I kind of miss that feeling of exploring the unknown. I miss that first dive into spirituality; I miss putting together the clues, trying to figure out who and what I am. Now? Well, I mean - I'm an immortal, immensely powerful spirit-thing. I don't have all the details about what that entails, but I know more than enough. I know that part of me pretty well by now, in fact. I've battled with it for long enough. And I can control it well enough too, even call it up if I need it (though, I mean, the situations like that are few and far between). And it is crazy - but damn if it doesn't get more mundane every day I live with it. How do you get used to something like that? Welp, time will do crazy things. All sorts of weird stuff can become normal if you live with it for long enough. 

It used to be a monster that'd keep me awake at night from fear. Now it's just... this thing that's shut away in one corner of my head, and occasionally I take it out for walks like a good little doggy.

Of course, there's not a whole lot else I can do. It's kind of... intense. Angry boi. It's like a scared, feral animal, lashing out against its cage. I mean, let's see: the last time I mental shifted, I threatened a god. Which is not a new occurrence. Not at all. Spirit-me doesn't like gods. Not to even mention the time I was having trouble with a ghost and spirit-me went and threatened to eat it (or, okay, the spiritual equivalent of that). It's an animal. Like. No, bad higher self. The adults are talking. Go to your bed. That's literally what it feels like. This isn't what spirituality is supposed to be. This is ridiculous.

Part of me wants the mystery back. I kind of miss being scared. Y'know how hard it is to be scared of ghosts and demons when you know you have a god-tier attack dog locked away in the back of your head that will gladly tear them to pieces? And have a fun time doing it too? I can't even do the religion thing right, because when it comes down to it, as humble as I try to be, nothing's going to convince my pet higher self that it couldn't destroy them if it really wanted to (and I mean, it's even weirder because I can't actually tell whether that's hubris or whether this thing literally is on the same level as the gods I try to work with).

And like? How am I supposed to involve myself with, say, the witch community - when, for one, it's really hard for me to respect any god or spirit as my better, and two, I can't get behind a lot of the typical spiritual ideals because my spiritual self is a chaos-death-destruction-life-nature-spirit-demon-planet-god??

There! See! I had no idea what I was going to write today. I just let myself ramble and this happened. Enlightening.

Now this chaos-death-destruction-life-nature-spirit-demon-planet-god is gonna go play some games and watch cartoons because this chaos-death-destruction-life-nature-spirit-demon-planet-god doesn't give a shit. 👌

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