TRIGGER WARNING: Religious abuse, mention of other forms of abuse, and trauma.
I am writing this now and wondering how many times will I make this kind of blog post? A callback to my old ways of thinking, to be followed up by my new and totally legit new identity, only to rewrite it a month later. A pesky cycle of “this” than “that.” Its an issue of pride, too. The “I said I had it right before, I can’t go back on it” mentality (that I strongly believe plagues many of the Otherkin communities). I can’t say I will break the cycle- since we are always growing and learning, but I will do my best to introspect and write as unbiased as my human-pride will let me.
For those who knew me before I left the old site, they might remember my primary identity as a species I called Dontarian. On and off the old site my definition of “Dontarian” morphed and changed: first the name of a species/civilization of dragon, then of a group of avians (humans with bird wings), a kind of angelic-like species, a winged-elf race, back to angelic-like- I even considered a god!- but I settled for a while on a sort of alien. Dontarian has always been the umbrella term of my main identity; the name I gave to whatever creature I might be. Redefining “Dontarian” is the summary of my Otherkin experience.
I always try to introspect all parts of my identity whenever new discoveries are made: how does this identity fit into my current idea of Otherkinity? Can this fit into my current idea of Otherkinity? How does this possible kintype fit in with my other kintypes and the rest of my identity? Could this possible kintype just be a facet of another kintype, or does it stand on its own? Most of these questions are answered quickly, almost subconsciously, because that is how my brain works. Taking steps like keeping a semi-active blog and a Therian journal helps me slow down and process it all more thoroughly.
I also pay more attention to possible kintypes that I have questioned for a long time. The Dontarian identity is the highest on my list, while newer ideas like- some kind of feline- are much lower. This Dontarian identity is my first kintype. I remember myself daydreaming at church as whatever-a-Dontarian-is when I was in my first years of elementary school. If souls exist, a Dontarian is my soul. That just leaves the question of what the hell is a Dontarian?
The over branching arc of holiness or divinity doesn’t seem like a coincidence, especially when I look at how I explain my Otherkinity. To put it plainly, I was raised in a cult. A nondenominational Christian church in the heart of Florida. When I was around 4 I went through an exorcism and had another around the age of 5 to 6. I was religiously abused both by my church and by my biological father. He also mentally/emotionally, and sometimes physically, abused me.
My entire childhood was spent with the religious fear mongering of sin, hell and brimstone, that I was a dirty creature that God is ashamed of. And with my biological father being an active member of the church, I was told everything about the Bible all the time. From this trauma is where I believe my Otherkin identity came from.
After putting all that out, I think it's easy to see what kind of creature I am questioning: demon, or fallen angel. I didn’t choose this identity, as my mind subconsciously chose to identify as this to cope with why I was being treated terribly in such a sacred way, and I would honestly never have chosen this identity. I see it as an easy chain of thought to follow now that I am looking back on it: I was a child of God- so in some respect I was holy- but sin was my “fall” and I could never redeem myself for the original sin of Adam and Eve. I was supposed to be a sinless creature, yet I sin. I am an angel that fell.
It's actually kind of sad…
I’m left with two choices. I have felt this identity-I have felt these feelings- for what seems my entire life now. The identity is set in stone, so should I “roll with it” or bury it away and try to repress it with the rest of the traumatic memories. And, if the internet has had anyone good ideas for self-care, I’ve learned that repressing yourself just hurts yourself further down the line. If this is an unhealthy coping mechanism (which I don’t believe it is, as it doesn’t negatively affect my day to day life) then it will slowly fade as I continue therapy, as my other unhealthy mechanisms have.
Now that I know why I identify as this, how do I identify? I still have much about this identity to explore. I don’t have any memories as traditionally defined, as the demon identity would be me in this lifetime, but my mind has built up the identity enough for me to fill in the blanks of who I am.
For one, I am probably a fallen Power- the warrior angel choir. I have an appearance: six eyes, two pairs of wings, dark horns, digitigrade legs, and a reptilian tail, with scales along the “edges” of my body. My weapon was a spear or lance, but I also fought with a sword.
I believe I define “demon” differently than traditional as well. Christians define demons as evil creatures who rebelled against a loving God strictly out of pride and arrogance; I define demon as a creature undefined by good and evil but made their name by rebelling against a dogmatic God. Matter of opinion, I guess.
I don’t know how I will continue to introspect into this identity without the constant fear of mental constructs. I know how ironic that is, as I have overly admitted that this entire demon-thing is a mental construct, but I try to keep it as… pure to the original as possible. I don’t want to add, I want to explore what is already there.
This concept has been on my mind a lot recently. It fits my life, it fits my psychological explanation, it fits how Dontarians have continually been built in my mind, it… fits. I am thinking about writing in more detail my religious experiences and how it affects my religious identity now, and how my demon identity also correlates. To be seen.
Adios, mis amigos,