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  1. Today
  2. This song speaks to me on so many levels. All of the levels, actually.
     

     

  3. Phase

    Fur Coloration

    Honestly, I am a melanistic jaguar. There's something about the coloration that resonates with me and something that I have noticed about dreams. The issue with this is I don't want to admit it. An overwhelming amount of "black panthers" can't even tell if they're a jaguar or leopard. A lot of them seem to think of black jaguars & leopards being a separate species altogether. I can never take them seriously. Theriotype appearance is a non-issue in general. But this is about what my mind gravitates to when not forced to view myself as a classic golden jaguar with rosettes that catch the eye. Nope. I'm a black jaguar with faint rosettes. I'm perfectly content either way. I'm not a panther/black panther, though. I refuse to be lumped in with those kinds of "therians/weres" who can't even tell what they are and think of black panthers as their own subspecies.
  4. Yesterday
  5. Poppy Stardust

    Poppy Stardust

  6. Addy

    Should You Tell Others?

    This is basically what I do with soulbonding. I tell someone about the concept first. and get their reactions, before I tell them about my own headmates. It works the same for being therian or otherkin. You want to know how they react to the concept itself first. Tho I came out to a friend the other night about being catkin, cause he already knew the concept, and he said that made a lot of sense. He was also really accepting of my SBing as well. Sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don't.
  7. (IDKHBTFM is my favorite band and has been for a while now)
  8. Well, that's done and over with. I'll contribute sparingly, I think.

  9. Phase

    Should You Tell Others?

    I have seen this a lot over the years. Someone gets all excited and wants to tell everyone but they don't know how to go about it. Then they turn to the community and ask "I want to tell my [relation] that I'm a therian! How should I do it?" If you were to come to me personally and ask, I'd tell you that not to tell anyone. Just don't. You're not going to impress anyone. You're not going to get special treatment. I'd really recommend you examine your reasoning for wanting to tell anyone. What are you getting out of it? If it's that important, though (it probably isn't)...don't outright say that you're a therian or otherkin or whatever when you go to broach the topic. Instead, explain it and ask what the other person thinks. If they voice something negative, do not tell them about yourself. Save yourself the embarrassment & pain. If they have a positive & open-minded response, advance to go & collect $200.
  10. Phase

    A Little Advice

    I don't see this given a lot but if you have to consciously focus on what you think you are in order to keep it going/feel it, you need to evaluate yourself. You need to look at all your reasonings and be honest with yourself. Having to focus to keep something like this going is a sign that something is wrong. It's okay to be wrong. I have experience with this. I played wolf for a while (even though I knew I was feline before joining the community). I had to focus to keep it going. If you really are non-human, you'll probably notice something else happens that you aren't focusing on. A misplaced vocalization or different behaviors than you meant to exhibit during a shift. Don't make my mistake. It really will mess you up.
  11. Phase

    Thoughts & Observations

    I'm not very involved in the therian & otherkin community anymore. I lurk. Occasionally comment. In my lurking, I have found things that have really annoyed me. Maybe I am grumpy & jaded at this point. The grumpy and jaded "elder" (I am no elder but I sure do feel older than my 22 years) therian who keeps to himself. Anyway, enough about that... 1. "Therian" Gear: If the emo teenage werewolf thing never became a fad, this wouldn't be an issue. I have no issue with what people wear but if y'all could stop calling it "therian gear", that would be great. "Therian gear" implies this is something all therians wear; that it's necessary. No. Stop. 2. Pet play in the therian tags on places like Instagram & Tumblr: Another issue of "I don't care what you do but maybe stop implying this". In the past couple of years, I have seen this increase. I understand the overlap happens and I understand that some people will incorporate their theriotype. However, pet play =/= therianthropy and vice versa. Also, why the hell are you even posting your kinks on sections of public sites/apps where minors can & will see? Get an account on some kink site or something. Goddamn. 3. Packs: Take a shot (can be alcoholic* or non-alcoholic) everytime someone mentions being in a pack. Drink all of it if a person who claims to be a solitary big cat comes up to you and asks you to join their pack. 4. The community as a whole: I feel bored suddenly and I really would rather be talking to one of my boyfriends right now so, yeah. The community as a whole bothers me. Misinfo, losing battle to combat misinfo, it's a mess. I don't like it but I still lurk around just to see what's up. *My boyfriend said that this would cause someone's liver to burst so maybe not this option.
  12. Phase

    Patrolling (October 11, 2018)

    I waited for it to get dark before I went for a walk. While I waited for dark to fall, I pulled weeds from one of the gardens along my house at sunset. At around 8 PM, I decided the darkness was sufficient. I started from my driveway and covered a small area consisting of a few streets. What did I feel? Confident. Nothing could hurt me and nothing would. Clearminded with occasional picture thoughts. Taking in scents and sights and sounds. Movements in the dark caught my attention. I paused to observe and carried on. I felt I owned it all. And to me, as a jaguar person, I do own it all. People are just another organism in the ecosystem of my territory and they pose no threat to me. They can stay. There is no one who can take what I consider my territory away from me. Not here. 2,599 miles from the Amazon rainforest that I feel I belong to but that's okay. As that X Ambassadors song goes: "It's the same to me, just a different name". And speaking of that song, I recommend it. There's a bit of urban jaguar person in it if you know what to listen for. If not, I'm projecting a bit aren't I?
  13. Phase

    "Selfishness" (October 10, 2018)

    Been thinking and I don't think I'm even inherently compassionate. I think that's something I learned over time. When I was younger, I would get accused of being selfish. "You only think about yourself." That was true. I learned, though. My boyfriend and my QPP get the most unselfish behaviors. There's also a child I would defend mercilessly if I needed to. There's a few people I am willing to help out for their own sakes. I will even weep for strangers, now. I'm getting "better" in human terms. Selfishness tends to not be a desirable trait; something that needs to be fixed. From a feline perspective, I find that it helps survival. It's necessary. I don't want to blame my selfishness on being a jaguar but I wonder if that's actually where it comes from. A survival strategy. I come first. I take care of myself first. These are still urges I experience. I don't even think I should call this "being selfish" (even though I did this whole entry). That seems like a misinterpretation/stereotype of feline behavior & thought but I lack better words.
  14. Phase

    An Experiment (October 10, 2018)

    I am going to try to deny being a jaguar. I'm going to deny it until I can't deal with it. Not just that but also denial of my personal animality in general. I've done this before but I need to know for sure what is going on. Pretty sure I'm a jaguar but I need to test it. (Same day a few hours later) I'm getting stressed out. I'm mentally pacing and have little doubt that if I were physically a jaguar, I'd be pacing back and forth due to how bad the stress is getting. I feel like I am trying to get out. My chest & throat are a bit tight, too. I am a jaguar. Alright, brain. You win.
  15. Phase

    Jaguar Is (October 9, 2018)

    Most people can write about what being their theriotype is in some abstract manner. All I can get out is "jaguar is about being alive". That's all. That's what being a jaguar is to me, I guess. As long as I am alive, I am a jaguar. Which is how it should be given the context. Being a jaguar keeps me alive, too. I'll think more on this later. There's probably more. I just don't realize at the moment. I never really thought about it during denial times. I actively ignored it, only questioning misplaced behaviors & vocalizations that slipped out. For now, I'll exist. There will be more answers that way.
  16. I was recommended a playlist on Spotify titled "Sounds of the Rainforest". There's a soundscape titled "South American Jungle Ambience". It runs for about 9, almost 10 minutes. My attention is brought to my body. I feel this all over but it is most noticeable in my stomach, up to my chest, to my throat at the moment. No one who should hear it would but the familiarity of sounds fuels a need to vocalize: This is mine, come no further.
  17. Phase

    "Feelings" (October 5, 2018)

    I have a playlist titled "Jaguar" that contains songs that have some sort of quality to them that intensify jaguar "feelings". The community places a lot of emphasis on feelings. What is feeling like a non-human animal? I don't feel like a jaguar. I am a jaguar. There is no special feeling attached. There's fluctuations of behaviors and "thoughts" & fluctuations on the urgency to act on said behaviors that are accurately described as "feline/jaguar" as opposed to "human". There is the sensation of a jaguar body over my physical one. Sometimes, I get upset over not physically being a jaguar. Sometimes, I feel a great sense of homesickness for the Amazon rainforest. Almost always a sense of being stifled as a result of holding back on what comes natural. That's about as far as "feeling" non-human/jaguar goes. I doubt people who identify as 100% human do so because they feel human. What is feeling human anyway? If someone who is 100% human can tell me what that feeling is, I'd love to know your perspective.
  18. I love my boyfriend. I absolutely adore him. This is probably one of the most distinctly human emotions I have. This & compassion. Going soft at small animals & children. There's probably more I am overlooking. Those just stand out. Being human is okay sometimes. I shouldn't look to anyone else to make it okay but my boyfriend does. He & my queerplatonic partner both make it okay. At least, marginally. I don't really like to depend on people for anything. That is a human flaw of mine that gets on my nerves and tears me between "I don't need anyone because I am a jaguar and can do it all for myself" and "I do need this because I am human as well". It often causes me to get upset and depressed. Luckily, this dependence is rare for me. I digress, though. This is probably a messy ramble but I am writing on a whim. Being human is okay. Sometimes.
  19. "If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain; Notebook 1894 This is true and frankly, I am sick of it. I hate being a jaguar that is so far deteriorated. I want none of this human shit. Being human is destroying me. Being human comes with the kinds of pain that non-human animals do not experience. Life as a physical jaguar wouldn't be pretty or easy. I hold no romantic idealism about it. That life would suit me better than this one. I am a jaguar who should have that body and those abilities and that life. But I don't. I have a human body and I lack those abilities. I cannot live like that as a result. I am plagued with human needs and feelings and fears. I am so far deteriorated.
  20. It's not unusual for me to listen to some kind of music for at least a couple of hours everyday. What is unusual is for music to speak to me so strongly as only jaguar. Case in point: "Wetware Outmoded" by Nøkken + The Grim. There's something about it. I have visions of roaming. I have visions of predatory precision and delivering that skull bite. I feel myself performing those actions, feeling the muscles working as some sort of "memory" type thing and it is amazing.
  21. Phase

    Fernweh (September 19, 2018)

    Fernweh is a German word with two meanings. One is wanderlust. The other meaning is being homesick for a place you've never been or can't get to. The definition I am using is the second one. I've never been to the Amazon rainforest. I will probably never visit the Amazon rainforest in this lifetime. My heart aches for it anyway. I'd love to be out there, if only for a single day. A big issue is that I'd be restricted. My body is not that of a physical jaguar. I can't deliver an effective killing bite to my prey's skull. I can't climb the trees (not easily, at least). I'm missing things that would make the experience 100% more fulfilling and because it is life, that isn't fair. Despite this, I don't doubt that my feelings of fernweh would be helped at least by 50% by being out there, lost in my senses & just existing as jaguman. I want that. If only for a little while.
  22. It starts. In 1995 but it could have been sometime early 1996. My mom dreams of giving birth to a kitten while she is pregnant with me. That could be one of the hormone induced dreams that pregnant people seem to experience or it could mean something more. Given the context, I am including it. I get older. My childhood is missing big chunks. I can't even begin to recall it aside from a few memories. I never outgrew being an animal, being a feline, when the others did. At age 12, I started really taking notice of my felinity. Why I reacted to things the way I did. Why I felt & thought like I did. Guided by familiarity with the species & the Warriors series by Erin Hunter, I concluded that I was a domestic cat. Something was off but I didn't know what exactly. I found the therian community at the age of 15 after a long time of no internet access. I knew I was feline before the community but somewhere along the way, I lost sight of myself & my inherent felinity. Played at being a wolf online (and tried to play at being a wolf offline). Joining benign therian packs. Joining dangerous therian cults. Messing myself up. Each experience, pack & cult alike, ended on a sour note that was all my own and no one else's. Offline, I couldn't be anything other than a feline of some kind. A roaring, hissing, snarling mess at times. Reaching out to grab and slash with claws that don't exist. Threatening to use fangs & bite force that also don't exist in a human body. The next moment? A calm, true neutral kitty. A weird blend of calmness & wrath. At 22 years old, I left the community as a whole. After a while, I realized my felinity is very real. No matter how much I played at not being feline, wrote it off as being something else, and so on...it came through with no forethought from me while playing at wolf was full of planning. I did research. I questioned myself relentlessly. Jaguar. "Yes, this is what I am". Orange-brown fur. Dark rosettes with central spots. Stocky, strong build. Hunting methods. Killing methods. Prey. Vocalizations I often feel like making but don't because human vocal cords kinda suck & I'll just sound silly. The lack of fear that comes with being an apex predator but also the caution that comes with being solitary. One wrong move for a solitary big cat & it's curtains. There's no one else to care for you out there. That territorial feel when you encounter another jaguar person who feels genuine to you. You'll try your best to tolerate them because you may be jaguars but you're still humans and humans are social animals who do like to relate to others. Being homesick for the Amazon rainforest, a place I have never even been to. Tearing up at pictures of Home while my heart aches softly. Feeling the sensation of a feline body over the human one when listening to soundscapes. Feeling that sensation while outside, getting lost in my senses. Just letting myself exist mindfully. I am human. I am jaguar. I am both. I am in the middle. I've gotten back to me and nothing will ever be able to take this from me again without a fight.
  23. Last week
  24. Ruko

    Antique Shops can be Jarring

    I do not leave the house frequently, but due to my friend Emie visiting from Norway we have been visiting some of the locations locally for sight seeing and various shops to browse, one of these such shops was a rather old antique shop. Built in the 1800's, these Victorian buildings aren't uncommon where I live, but it was more what it housed within that created an unexpected reaction. For those unaware, I (that is, my fictotype within the DL canon) am known for collecting silverware, cutlery and the like, for I enjoy it's form, composure and elegance. I 'here' have a much lessened interest, to that of a mild appreciation, rather than a fixated adoration. Because of this, I admit at times have felt rather saddened at the aspect of contrasting tastes, due to the fact I have had a fan once talk to me as if my arousal for cutlery still remained, and I had to disappoint. This is somewhat why I was a little confused and shaken by the reaction I had within this antique's shop upon finding myself in a section purely dedicated to that of silverware. Honestly, the amount of knives and forks that covered every surface, filled every draw to the brim was something to behold. I never thought I'd be enraptured by so many pieces of table instruments yet there I was; at first enjoying the browsing of the shop, yet then stricken by a jarring sensation of disruption of self. Words will fail to capture the utter dissonance of thoughts that went through me as my eyes gazed over the many knives and forks, a sensation pushed forward from depths of unknown proclaiming "I have done this before" yet the images showing hands not belonging to this body. Singular gloved and a darker room, mahogany table and intricate items. The images felt as if they 'could' be a memory, yet they felt unbelonging to this brain, an imprint from an other place, one not meant for this world yet tapped into through erroneous strings of tangled fate. I was not so shaken I couldn't remain, yet I still felt overwhelmed, and part of me gave words of caution to leave sooner rather than further subject myself to the environment. For what reason? Unsure. There's always a sense of breaking reality when it comes to my fictionkin experiences, to be moving through actions and processes that are reserved for fiction, rather than this reality. It feels 'wrong', on some level, yet also the only way it can be. Something to think about, I suppose.
  25. Addy

    Introduction post

    I'm not exactly sure why that term was chosen, but I know it was chosen back in 1998 by someone named Amanda Flowers, in an internet mailing list called "Just for Writers". And I'm pretty sure that originally it was just peoples own, original characters. And the original term was coined as SoulBonding, with the capital S and B. Most people just prefer to write it Soulbonding or soulbonding. Eventually it branched out to mean any character you felt that kind of connection to. Characters of your own creation (your own stories or imagination) known as insourced soulbonds. Or characters of someone elses creation (like from movies, books, games, anime, etc) called outsourced soulbonds. A lot of people have taken the term "fictives" in place of outsourced soulbonds now, but we have always found that term to be highly insulting, so "soulbonds" are preferred for us. Fictive is just too close to "fictional" and we don't like that. Cause I don't think of my soulbonds as being fictional, even if their source characters were. The term just bothers us, but if other people want to use it for themselves, thats perfectly fine. Edit: Actually I think it was chosen because people felt like they had bonded to the souls of their characters, so Amanda Flowers coined the term SoulBonding, to mean the process of bonding to the soul of a character.
  26. Terro

    Introduction post

    Yeah, I have never really known that definition. Soul bonding has always, even in otherkin circles, pertained to the binding of souls. I wish we could find another word for this as it does not match to the definition you are using. You cite something more akin to a strong like or even emulation or empathy to a fictional concept. Such a connection is very common among readers, comic book fans, enthusiastic television or movie enthusiasts, but seems odd to take the word for complex means to bind souls and apply it to this.
  27. I dunno how many people read this blog. There have been quite a few views, but those could also just be guests. Guests make me very nervous. This is another heavy blog post, but I just dunno what else to do right now. Just in case anyone does read it, does anyone have or has anyone ever had contact with spirits before? Does anyone know the best method of communication? I've been using a pendulum, but I know they can be very unreliable. Its just the only source of comfort I have right now. I know you can subconsciously move it yourself, but it also stops moving when I ask him to make it stop. And I dunno how I could stop it when my hands are shaking so badly. I've been hearing thoughts that sounds exactly like things he would say to me. Sometime I just sit and talk to him, because I want so badly to believe hes here with me and hes not really gone forever. Last night, I heard a thought that told me to take my sleeping pills around 2am, cause I'd been avoiding going to bed. And I said "Okay, I'll take them." and I heard the thought "Good girl." That is something only he has ever said to me, when I'd do something he told me to do. I miss him so much. I don't want him to be gone forever. His sister texted me today, asking if there was anything I wanted from his apartment, to remember him by. I got the text late because I was sleeping so long. But I responded, she just hasn't texted me back yet. Every time I think I'm okay, I just start crying again. Everyone says it will get easier, but right now I don't believe that. He was my best friend. He was the only person who could accept everything about me. The soulbonding, the kin stuff, everything. He accepted it all and he loved me. I haven't wanted to do anything at all. I'd been playing Rift every day, but now I don't want to. I know he'd tell me to just do it anyway. Last night I couldn't get comfortable sitting here, cause my back hurt so much, and I made a comment out loud about not being able to get comfortable, and I heard the thought "Stop it!" He used to always say that to me, every time something was wrong. If I was cold or sick or in pain, he would always just say "Stop it!" Its so hard to do anything. I avoid going to bed at night, until I'm so exhausted I just fall asleep immediately, because I don't want to lay awake and think about him. And then I don't want to wake up and have to deal with this pain all over again. People have been trying so hard to help me through this, and I'm glad I have people to talk to, so I'm not totally alone. But I still feel so lonely. I don't think I really believe the pendulum works, but it brings me a tiny shred of comfort. Just thinking that he could be here with me in some way.
  28. Mirath

    This world feels wrong...

    It does, and not just because it’s my birthday today, I was like this all yesterday as well. I’ve felt strange, just so out of place both at work and at home. Those feelings of being adopted have come back to the surface alongside that, which really tries to dampen my day. I guess sometimes it went into near-dissociative experiences at work, being here but not here, my mind was probably a lot more inwardly focused than I thought. I miss my home, I miss being home, to an extent my shifting has gone back and forth on a scale. Here one moment and gone the next, heh, and it’s always so much more prominent when I go shooting - not my fault some of the beams still look low enough to hit my head on. That’s always an odd kind of shift, I guess. Being inches taller than I actually am. It’s just a pull, a tug, but it’s still there regardless.
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