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  1. 2 points
    I needed something I could point others to when the topic of awakening came up...for me it is a complicated subject that would be tedious to rewrite (and since I have a physical journal..the span of several years would definitely be a horrifically long rewrite). First off, I identify as a suntherian/otherkin: my identity is ever present with various degrees of shifts. I've been awakened twice over the span of nine years with my knowledge growing as I entered the kin community eight years ago. The beginnings of those years was spent questioning. Now there is nothing much left to question- in the case of identity. My wolf kintype awakening was easy to figure out. As a kid I was wolf crazy and the usual. As I got older I realized that i'm not all that crazy about canids as I was back then but the wolf persisted. I've come to embrace such a familiar feeling in my life- and it's influence most likely from a past life or perhaps two where I was a wolf. I've looked up other canines, the research and hours of listening to sounds- everything a newly awakened therian would do. As I always say, time will tell. It makes no sense to research what you already know inside. I was one of the lucky ones in that regard. I was a wolf through and through. I believe myself to have been/be a Mackenzie valley wolf but my interest in finding out if that was a 100% fit waned as time went on (although it most likely fits). That is simply because I have another kintype that is much more prominent and demands that level of introspection much more. The wolf was in the past, and remnants remain now--will I ever be a wolf again? I do not know. But I will feel at home once more if it so happens. The zhuard is much more complicated. My awakening did not happen until years after the wolf awakening and I had to step away from the community to figure it out- to be without influences. The awakening I got was pointed in several directions, from my hyena totem bringing up my sexuality (which really the hyena was guiding me closer to the realization of zhuards and their anatomy), the shifts that were more persistent than cameos that felt very odd and difficult to pinpoint, to the deeply ingrained feelings I've harbored in life. Why I felt so strongly on certain things when I was younger and shouldn't have had concepts of such things to begin with. On one afternoon, I finally got to have a dream (now several years ago) that showed me a black zhuard sprinting through the woods and skidding to a halt.. looking at me. This zhuard was in terrestrial quadruped form and was clearly not me as I was looking at him. I tensed and responded very aggressively with body language- and that was it. I woke up. What exactly happened? Just a creature from 'dreamland', the mind piecing things together...except nothing that described dreams felt like that. I understand my dreams well as they mean so much to me now, and I can tell when it's a non kin dream when elements of this world are brought into it. But at the time I treated it as such with an intrigue on the individual I saw- why he his species felt familiar, why my shifts often reminded me of such a form- though not the only one. I decided to start drawing what he was after that having previously not been aware of the creature that gave me such feeling. I decided to make a character that wasn't like him even though I knew that zhuard was very much an individual himself that I would know soon. Thus a fictional character in every meaning of the word was born: https://sta.sh/024xice012ks Jarek had several features that zhuards did not 'grow out of' as I learned more about them. They were not some creature design project--none of my art really is. Most everything is taken from things already personally known. Such a lady appeared to me..even down to a zhuard's metallic sternum/keel which I, in 2014, strangely made it match his fur but er....forget about that part. If anything due to shifts and further realizations, hip spurs were not quite a thing, and after 2015 they were gone. Zhuards have not really changed much in their physical form since I've started drawing and describing them. Not intentionally, as I have had information come to me which gave me insight...but never changed their appearance. Their form was something I already knew and I didn't know how. That dream was the catalyst for several reoccurring dreams that played out like bits and pieces of a story and still do- rarely allowing me to move as a lucid dream but only at certain points. That's when the realization hit-I walked to a pond and looked. I was a zhuard. A dark burgundy zhuard. The dreams led me to my chaperone (a spirit that is entwined with yours through destiny. That too was explained to me via a zhuard individual who was much more knowledgeable than me. ----Personal sidebar---- In short, it's like a true twin flame- which may be your friend, enemy or true soulmate and usually stays that way through the lifetimes you meet up..which is not all the time. I cringe at how such terms like 'best friend, soul mate', very restricting terms, are loosely used for someone who might not even be a chaperone to your soul. They might just be someone who 'fit' or didn't in this lifetime. Zhuards view this in part by the cultural phenomenon that has imparted them but spiritual speak aside..). When I first had the dream of my chaperone I drew the image of her and I still in the night, cozy in a yurt. The next major vision was how we met: her brutally trying to kill me to fulfill a hit on my by someone I did not know. Make of that what you will. She was not one of the first zhuards to reveal themselves to me but she was one who obviously made an impact. Being so kindred only made me think that he soul must be like mine--like attracts like-- and she perhaps was a zhuard many times over as well which describes such attraction. (Currently working on her--Yévonne's-- drawn reference, you'll see here at some point properly as I don't really have a good pic to show of her). And such began my journey of learning more about zhuards, their forms,etc. Moving forward... I knew that this was my new life... and I would have to prepare in this current human life. I had discussed this and I think the reasons of why i'm feeling shifts,dreams, and etc now is that perhaps i'm being looked over by an entity which might meld with my current soul and state of mind- to put that lightly. As in such a spirit wants to do such a thing...so it is waiting until this vessel expires. So perhaps in actuality my soul is simply being melded to different zhuards due to its likeness. Zhuards have a human guise so why i'm human now... perhaps I just couldn't find a zhuard vessel this time around and I settled with what was familiar. I'm not sure how to fully describe it yet but there it is..my awakening.
  2. 1 point
    Finished up another reference for zhuards and I'm relieved that it's finally done and in my collection. I can have a little breather now, although I do plan for others (half-phasing, ka'nar form and pharaoh form). Had a lot of things to get off my chest here.
  3. 1 point
    This morning I remembered my dream and I think it was pretty interesting! It wasn’t very long or detailed but here it is. I dreamt that I was -what I interpreted as- a dragon of some sort. I guess it could also just be classified as; giant lizard. And I was walking on, what I assumed, earth when volcanoes were very active. The thing that happened in my dream is that I went “swimming” in the volcanoes, walking underneath streams of lava and resting on the stones as the lava streamed past me down hill. When I woke up I could still hear the sound of the rocks falling down hill and the warmth of the lava streams on my back. Unfortunately I don’t remember what I looked like exactly. I don’t put a lot of weight on my dreams (as I have had dreams about being a pro basketballer and such, hah!) But I do like to write them down if they possibly have to do with my identity or how I view myself, for later reference. I will attach a image for some visual reference. Credits to levyj413 on dpchallenge.
  4. 1 point
    Yeah, I know, I've been posting a lot. But I have a lot to talk about. I want to get it all off my chest. I'll probably go into radio silence soon once I've run out of things to post about then come back in like February and post like crazy. I seem to have this pattern with websites I join. Anyways, not sure if this is the right place for this, but I need a place to talk about it, and God knows my family and friends won't listen or understand at all what I'm going through. Maybe I'll talk about how therianthropy played a role in this whole personal mess, a bit at the end, just to stay on topic. There are two statements that have been pretty much constant throughout my entire life. And you'd think that they go hand in hand. I thought so, at least. "I am an atheist." This is true. This is a fact. This has not changed. I do not believe in God, or gods. "I have no no religion." That's where things get jumbly for me. That's where I've stumbled recently. I say stumbled, but it's really more like I tripped and fell two years ago and am still falling. Hence, recently. So I'm converting to Judaism in secret. Allow me to explain. On my mom's side of the family, almost everyone is Jewish. Ethnically, religiously. My great-grandfather came over from Poland and he only spoke Yiddish at the time. My cousins had Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. I did not. Because at some point, my mom decided that she wanted to be a perfect American, and she assimilated. This happened during my life. I remember visiting relatives in New York City for Passover when I was very young, but one year, we just... stopped. We cut all traces of Judaism out of our lives. I was, by all accounts, not raised Jewish. I did not even consider myself Jewish. We celebrated Christmas. We still do... well, they still do. My parents raised me as an atheist. They like to say they raised me to "question everything." But really they just raised a militant atheist with a closed mind, who refused to wonder if there was anything unseen about the world. Last year, I started feeling... like something was off. I started feeling lost and alone in my feelings. I had no culture of my own. All my friends and peers did; they talked about going to church with their families, celebrating Easter, all the Christian stuff that I, despite not being Jewish either, was not a part of. Yes, we celebrated Christmas, but it had no meaning. There was no heart behind it. We set up a tree, and I was too young to know why. It had no meaning, because we were not Christian. And I felt weird about this. I wanted to feel like I was a part of something -- more specifically, something I should have been a part of to begin with. I felt like this culture had been taken from me. Stolen. And I wanted it back. I asked my mom if we could celebrate Passover, like when I was a kid, just once before I left for college. She said yes, so last April, we had a seder. And that really did it for me. I needed more. I craved the feeling of being part of something bigger than myself. I also craved charoset and horseradish, but that's beside the point. So I decided to do something about it. When I got to college, I went to a Shabbat service. First one in my entire life. The whole time, I felt like an outsider, like I shouldn't be there. I kept thinking, someone will notice I'm not really Jewish, and they'll tell me to get out. No one did. I felt alienated a bit when they talked about God. I don't believe in God. But, as I've been told, that is quintessentially Jewish. And I also felt something powerful. A momentary thread of connection to my ancestors. And then I felt like I had every right to be there. I'd been taught, mostly by my dad, that religion was bad. Always bad, always wrong. Nothing good could come of it. But I felt something that night. Not God, nor any kind of outside force, but my own sense of belonging and connection and power. It threw me off kilter. And I think it set me up for a complete overhaul of my beliefs. Because soon after, for some reason, I started to allow therianthropy back into my life. Little by little. Or at least I tried to do it little by little, but it all came rushing back like a dam broke. I felt it so strongly. And suddenly I found myself approaching it from a new angle, believing in things I never had before; spirits, souls, past lives. Why? How? I don't know. I'd always been so sure I would never change. Scared I would never change. I had desperately wished I could believe in something, but I never could. I thought I would always believe, could only believe what I had been raised to believe. There was some kind of mental roadblock. And then suddenly it was gone. I don't know what happened, but it brought questions. Am I a new person now, my very core changed into something different, a metamorphosis? Or am I just a new version of the same self? As my parents said to me, question everything. So I questioned what they taught me. But I can never tell them. My mom would think it's weird. She'd tell me not to convert, because it's important to be a part of American culture, as if that excludes Jewish culture. My dad would go nuts, and tell me I was being brainwashed and indoctrinated into a cult, because he thinks all religion is evil, even on a personal level. (Yes, organized religion if often bad. But personal spirituality? Also bad, according to my dad! Believing in an afterlife will make you want to start a holy war. Sure, Dad.) So since I can't tell him, I have to celebrate Christmas with him this year. (Ironically, yes, he celebrates Christmas. A Christian holiday. He's convinced it's secular now. Dad, no.) And it's going to be incredibly awkward. But at least my sibling will be there, and they don't want to celebrate Christmas any more than I do. So we'll have our silent solidarity. Other than Christmas, I don't care that they don't know. I'm an adult. They have no control over my life and what I do and what religions I convert to. TDLR: I suddenly believe in reincarnation and I'm converting to Judaism and my parents can't and will never know either of those things. Why do I always make these things so long? Why can't I stop writing once I start? Why can't I just keep this to myself and stew on it? Hey, question everything.
  5. 1 point
    Tis a quiet and empty house, so quiet you can hear the squeak of a mouse. In comes me, a disaster gay; to possibly make your day. The dust in the house started to dance; this only began with a glance. She finally came out to all of 'home' there was no need for a howl to withhold. 'I am a wolf and I am proud, I will say it nice and loud.'
  6. 0 points
    (Note: A Lilin is a type of succubus. I'm using this term instead of the more general "succubus" because I can't speak for all succubi. I have no idea how it feels to be an Agrati, Eisheti, etc. Also, this post is going to be about sexuality. I'm not going to be explicit or anything, but if you're under 18 or not okay with that, you've been warned!) Those of you who've read my profile might notice that I put "other" for my sexuality. That's because a Lilin's sexuality is complicated! And a Lilin-kin's is double complicated! Most people just need to worry about who they feel romantic attraction towards, and who they feel sexual attraction towards. But Lilin can feel a third type of attraction that muddies the water significantly: Hunger. Since we're all trapped in human bodies - for better or worse - let's talk about how a human experiences hunger: When you're hungry, you basically feel a craving for food. This starts off very generally, but as you unconsciously think about different kinds of food that you could have, you start to crave a specific type. You can still satisfy your hunger by eating anything, but there's an understanding that the food you're craving will taste especially good. It works this way for Lilin, too. Except instead of eating food, we basically eat lust.* This may seem like a restrictive diet, but consider how wide of a spectrum lust is. There's dominant lust, submissive lust, the lust you feel for a crush, the lust that makes you melt into a kiss. And that's just scratching the surface! One thing Lilin become very good at is dialing in on what specific type of lust we're hungry for, and evoking that as strongly as possible in our partners. It's kind of like seasoning your food. * This is a huge oversimplification! Feeding should really be a blog post on its own, but I'm not even sure I fully understand it yet. There's only so much that you can learn by studying your instincts and proclivities. Of course, I'm not exactly a Lilin. I'm stuck in a human body for now, and that means I've never actually tasted lust. I just sort of know how wonderful it would be. There are a lot of things that I just somehow know about how I'm supposed to be, and that can be a blessing and a curse. Anyway, a human body can't feel hungry or satiated in the way that I'm designed to. And in place of that, I feel a total absence of feedback. This absence bothers me very deeply, and is one of the main things that makes my sexuality so complicated. Why? Well... Let's go back to my human/eating analogy. But just for fun, let's reverse things. Let's say you're a human mind in a Lilin body. So you still have all of those human instincts asking "Did I eat enough? Am I going to starve?" but all they get in response is silence. Imagine how unsettling it would be to go a month without food, and just feel nothing. Wouldn't you try eating anyway? Just to see what would happen? Now imagine how it would feel to smell your favorite food, to take a big bite, and have it disappear before you can taste it. Let me tell you, it is weird! So what I do to cope with this is I basically pretend. If I focus enough, I can pretend-feed to satisfy a pretend-hunger, and that makes me feel a little better. It keeps my survival instincts from completely freaking out. And since I create this feeling consciously, I can feel it for pretty much anyone I want. Lilin aren't generally picky, but I can be because I get to choose who I feel hunger for. And that's... kind of a good thing, actually. It's one of the few advantages to being partly human. But just because I can crave anyone I want, doesn't mean that I can love anyone I want. Those feelings can go together, but one doesn't lead to the other. In theory, I could pretend-feed on someone who I feel no attraction to at all, and still enjoy it. Because feeding is about what a person is feeling, and not how they look or what gender they are. So I hope that makes a bit more sense now. Thanks for reading!
  7. 0 points
    (All right, I needed to scratch this post multiple times, because while writing it I had multiple Ideas and- dare I say revelations (?) about a few things. And I have to add some trigger warnings her, I guess, for mentions of anxiety and parental abuse... even if I didn't wanted to talk about this just yet here in my third blogpost? But It came up in my musings.) Discussing or just reading comments here made pointed me to a obvious but kind of unexpected question I never quite asked myself, which is Why? Why do I like Dragons that much? Am I kith, am I kin with them or do I just like them because they are cool? I like mythology in general, I'm very interested in culture in general and there's no specific time or place I really focus on. But If I really look into it, I'm not that obsessed actually. I had a dragon phase as others had a wolf or archeology phase where it peaked over multiple years, but it dimmed down now. I still love them and if there are dragons somehow involved or depicted, that at least catches my eyes. But come to think of it properly it's much like the average fantasy fan. I love nature as whole and all types of animals equally and am very fascinated with them. If you ask me to pic a favorite, it will be enormously difficult for me, but eventually I would point to Butterfly's, Elephants and Dragons. And sometimes Owls. See a pattern there? Dragons for me are wise and intelligent, strong but kind, guiding and fiercely protecting and nobody can harm them. Everything an abused twelve year old whose parents give no rules to obey is drawn to. And if they encourage it by buying you more of it, even better, It seemed to please them so why stopp? Dragons are a copy mechanism for me. Elephants, owls and butterfly's are also associated with wisdom and/ or growth. And yet, I have such a different "relationship" with them. Butterfly's are the most beautiful creatures I know. Not only their colors but also their fragility, yet extreme endurance is mind blowing and I love the natural magic of their livelong evolution. Did you ever stand in a swarm of these fluttering all around you? Life is literally pulsating and overwhelms you with its power. There's a reason hope and the soul are so often depicted as butterfly's, I guess? And they are so helpful and important in the ecological system, too! Owls are... owls, I guess. I love how those silent cunning predators have perfectioned their survivals skills, like not all of them catching their prey from the air, there are species who literally running after it. And they're are so beautiful and mysterious and strong. And baby owls are one of the the sweetest things I've seen. Elephants, tho. I have/had an elephant as an spirit guide (I have no Idea if they're still around). I love watching them, I talk to them in the local zoo. My day just instantly grows better if I see one in real life. If they touch me with their trunk, I'm playing with them until they loose interest. I collect statues of them, I try to buy one in every new Town I visit as an souvenir. I always said I have the soul of an elephant because I'm feeling this old, everybody thinks my proverbial skin is thicker than is actually is, I remember everything ever done to me, my sense of orientation is inhumanly good, I love and protect my family and home at all cost and I grieve for ages for lost love ones. That picture of an elephant touching an old bone tenderly? That's me. That is literally me. And I always loved them, If we go to the zoo nobody even asks if we shall also visit the elephants, we just do. If we go to a zoo in another town, the first thing located on the map are lions for my dad and elephants for me. It just is. I have a child's ring from where I' was three which has an elephant on it and I would wear it if my hands weren't too big. I love warmth and sandy colors -I have orange walls and my whole wardrobe is either that, grey/ black or blue. There is this song about a man longing and being a hurt soul and asking his lover to be gentle with him and I relate soooo much to it both because of what was done to me and the simple fact that its starting with " I'm an elephant, I forget nothing.". I made that statement multiple times and it is true. It's freaking true. I need to look into this further but whoa. My head's spinning right now, and I really hope this is readable and not the brain vormitting gibberish it actually is. Thank you for pushing me to ask this questions.
  8. 0 points
    I really really want to be a dragon. As my kin type, I mean. I am Obsessed with Dragons, ever since I was eight years old. I don't know what caused it. In my personal library exist four sections: Dragons, Nonfiction, and three or four crime and sifi- novels. I love all kind of media with Dragons, but back then there was this amazing kids show (ever heard of Tabaluga?). I sometimes but not exclusively drew dragons, bc they never looked like I wanted them to. I wrote my first story with a dragon -who was a side character but essential to the plot. I had a friend with whom my sole occupation and friendship was based upon role playing us as dragons and once she was bored of it at age sixteen our friendship grew apart. It was my first brush with the other kin community, too. I stumbled upon a you tube channel by Azura Dragonfeather (?) and grew fascinated. I started to notice shifts and questioned some of my behaviors, but it always wasn't quite convincing. I even experienced one (1) memory which completely overthrew my world view. I didn't believe in past lives. But, there is that thing called shifters disease, and I always had an extremely powerful Imagination. And hey, it was Dragons! I could have the opportunity to be as close to being a Dragon as humanly possible. It was a freaking siren song that drew me in. Then, the shifts and feelings stopped the less I thought about that topic, which further convinced me it was all wishful thinking. And there was this thing with the wings I felt which constantly changed their shape and never stayed the same. Knowing my obsession I completely retreated, stopped researching and abandoned the whole thing. Yes, otherkin exist, but I was not one of them. Then about six months ago I started reading my old journal from 2010-2013 out of nostalgia, and on the very first page I introduced myself as a girl with angel wings, pointy ears, fangs and a beard, which nobody luckily sees bc people already think I'm strange. And I continued to mention those offhand multiple times over the years, until I abruptly stop doing so in the following journal- Knowing that time of my life I probably tried to silence those things bc I wanted to fit in and be normal and thus ignored it. So, here was my proof that I actually had phantom shifts before I knew of the community and the reason why I decided to make this account and start to honestly question if I really might be otherkin. Perhaps even a Dragon? With my first phantom shifts after stumbling over the community I immediately jumped onto the conclusion: Dragon. Because, well, I'm obsessed. But there's actually nothing completely diverse that couldn't also be some other type of lizard. There are dinosaurs with wings and the features I feel. Or its a type of dragon differing from what I think a dragon is supposed to be. Or its a type of lizard I don't know, I'm not that knowledgeable in biology. I'm just afraid I'm forcing myself into a direction I don't really belong to, because some old childhood obsession of mine, and all the sentimentally connected to it.
  9. 0 points
    I had a super vivid realistic dream shift last night! It started off normally and then I started to question things. After I became lucid I first imagined my phantom tail becoming a physical one (which worked!!) then I got down and imagined the rest of the body and before I knew it I was a white swiss shepherd! I decided to walk to a nearby park and played with the other dogs in the area which was super fun but I had to make sure I didn't get too excited or I'd have woken up earlier. It lasted about a few days in the dream before a mother and daughter decided to adopt me?? (dream logic lmao) Anyway I slept in their house and the next morning they put a lead on my collar and got me to sit and wait whilst opening the front door. We started walking down the street and up until this point I could just about contain my excitement but I was walking *as myself* with nice owners and I was ecstatic, the dream faded out and I woke up shortly after getting excited but I woke up really happy! I hope I can have that dream everyday.
  10. 0 points
    It feels like it's been forever since the last time I made a blog post on Kinmunity! Though I have to admit that so much has changed... im a little glad I don't have to clean up what I've written before. I have a job that I love! I have begun to crochet! I am an elf! There's so much more socializing and artmaking in my life. I think I'll comment some images of my crochet work onto this blog post next week. My life is still mostly offline... I am only certain to be around on Tuesdays and Thursdays at work.
  11. 0 points
    I'm very new with that whole forum stuff and just need to figure out how everything works. I'm still questioning myself to be kin with a dragon or other lizard-like creature, and I want to use this blog to write down and ramble in detail about experiences. I have the feeling otherwise I would flood the forum threads. A bit like an open journal so to speak, which everybody can comment. My first language is German, but I will write this in English, so perhaps more people can read it? And if there are specific questions or comments, I use the forum to discuss them. If that's the way its meant to be done, even better.
  12. 0 points
    Smiles and laughter, But I feel broken the hour after. I know I must keep acting, Even though I’m cracking.
  13. 0 points
    Well, as you all know if you've been following my activity you know that Bendy and the Dark Revival is dropping this year. I've had mixed feelings about it which I've discussed in private while they were still fresh, but now I feel I can share publicly here based on what's been shown so far. So, enjoy these, and feel free to add your thoughts. So, first and foremost, the game seems to be much more combat based. In the official trailer that was most recently dropped, the player takes on several lost ones that they seem to have just come across. Along with this, there seems to be frequent mention of The Dark Puddles, which was one of the codenames we used in the uprising. I have a feeling that this game will have more connection to that. With that being said, it makes sense that the memories brought around this time will be more stressful and hard to deal with. Despite this I plan on sticking it out, I want the full story and I'll get it. So, another thing that seems prominent is the Butcher Gang. Now that's not that important because they didn't exist in my AU and probably never will. Moving on, we have... the main characters, Audrey and Allison. This is where a lot of my feelings come from. If you don't know yet, Allison was the one who took care of me along with her husband Tom. She was gunned down along side him by Joey. I'm wondering if she'll die in this installment and that's something I really don't want to see. Audrey, on the other hand, was the child Bendy and I tried to take care of. I still think of her as my daughter, and seeing her as an adult is odd for me. I'm still not over her death back home, even if I was the pain has returned in this life. This however has reminded me of my back marking. I've mentioned it before but just incase you don't know, I had a gold marking on my back, similar to the one on Audrey's hand. I'm still not sure what it means or anything but its interesting more or less. There's also the boss seen in the trailer. I kind of remember them, though not much as of now. I remember having to fight it. So, that's all I have for now. Thanks for reading, feel free to let me know what you think!
  14. 0 points
    I just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa! If you don't celebrate I hope that the winter season is going well for you! If it isn't I hope it gets better. Well Have a nice day, and sweet dreams!
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