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Showing content with the highest reputation since 01/20/19 in Blog Entries

  1. 4 points
    A commission I did via a artist to give a first ever impressio from one of my Godec forms. This is a form I do experience commonly and hopefully gives a good insight in how familiar and yet alien the forms can look. This is my lion form and the first one to be brought to life via art. I know people can be a bit confused sometimes at how it can possibly look.
  2. 2 points
    Invisible Disabilities Neglect [Daily Life #2 - Feb 14th, 2019] Content Warning: Venting Comments: Open (This post really has nothing to do with being kin or having headmates. It's just a general life situation about being in a society whilst having a mental disability. So I didn't post it in Psychology Point.) My care manager called me today to get my full social security number to be able to finish setting up the appointment phone call with SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program - aka: Foodstamps). My mother then critiqued me on how I spoke on the phone. My usual uncertain tone of speech and lack of understanding; not fully grasping things people throw in my face. And because of that, she fears that with big companies like SNAP will deny me of any support. This would be because, It's common for big companies to believe that there isn't anything WRONG with people with mental illnesses. That, if I can walk, talk and not be drugged up on something or in a wheelchair, then I can get a job and get my own place and food. This was an issue of mine. I don't have that great of a "social etiquette" as "normal" people do. I can't automatically respond to questions right off the bat without getting flustered or stutter. I'm kind of...slow...in that aspect and need time to think and process my thoughts before I can come up with an answer. But in this stupid ass world we live in, everyone wants things to move fast. Got to be able to talk like a normal person, uphold a job, be an ADULT. I fucking HATE it! And most don't seem to grasp just how stressful all this is becoming; with my other, therapist, society, life, you name it. I remember watching some service dog video where a woman spoke out about how people are dumbfounded when it comes to those with "invisible disabilities." Things like mental illnesses, personality disorders, etc. Society is quick to aid someone if they can "see" what's wrong with them (e.g. deaf) and not those with a mental disability. Hmm.... I might as well share that video here (timestamp: 2:18), Feel free to share any thoughts or experiences with things like this.
  3. 1 point
    I Want To Come Home [Dream Journal Entry #1 - Feb 1st, 2019] Content Warning: Some Swearing, Mild Violence I remember siting at one of the desks at my old high school. I was in English class, and the teacher had a movie playing. Everyone was quite content with the film, but I wanted to leave being semi-aware that I was in a dream. Soon enough, two girls in the class got into an argument and began to throw their bodies upon one another, tugging on each other's hair and fighting. The rest of the class bum-rushed around them, chanting and glorifying the violent tussle. Rachel: "Great!" I said to myself as I snuck out the door while everyone was distracted. Making my way out onto the school yard was a sight to behold. It was like I just entered into some sort of futuristic, steampunk hub intermingled with a mall. There were people everywhere on all the different levels of the mall, chatting, walking and eating at tables. Some can be seen walking out of stores as well as construction workers continually building up the place as it was still incomplete. What I can remember next was going up an escalator to a floor and seeing Daniel Dickens walking through a group of people. Since I knew who he was and him being one of the only recognizable people in this mess of a sea of folk, I went over to him. Once I got to him, I called out his name. Rachel: "D-Danny?" He turned around sporting the most ecstatic smile. I don't think I ever saw what Danny looked like "physically" outside from the various cosplayers dressing as him. Danny wore his usual glasses, had short brownish hair, a brown shirt and slacks. The only thing missing was his traditional white doctor's coat. But I guess that wasn't a big deal. He also had some sort of cologne on him. A very distinct aroma that clearly signified his gender but somehow was a scent I never smelled before in the world of the wakened. Danny: "Ah, Rachel! It's good to see you~" From the back of my mind, I remembered Zack. And before a second later my instinct brewed with the intent on finding Zack. So I asked Danny; Rachel: "Do you know where Zack is?" Danny smiled and gestured his arms in a way that allowed me to believe that he knew where Zack was. His hand soon reached to grab mine as he took me back up the escalator to a dining area where he pointed towards a table with a group of young people. A bunch of annoying, chatty girls and among them sat a guy. A tall male with black messy hair wearing a black t-shirt with some white writing on the front. It must've been Zack. I was a little shy, more so afraid to go anywhere near the table with all those girls but by the time I went to look back at Danny, he was gone. I didn't know what else to do but go straight to that table. The girls didn't notice me at first, so I sat on the opposite side of Zack. I looked at his face. He seemed depressed, even braindead. It was...odd...He didn't move or even speak. He just looked down at the table with the saddest expression on his face...Was it maybe because he was feeling down in the waking world? I remember him trying so hard to make me feel better about myself and my life but at the same time, not believing he can do much for me had been deteriorating his mood drastically. Nothing is worse than seeing a once, bubbly and chatty fellow become severely depressed with all lost of hope. I tried getting his attention. Rachel: "Zack?" He didn't answer. Rachel: "Zack, it's me, Rachel." Still no answer. Some of the girls around me started rubbing up on Zack, giving him kisses on his all over his face which pissed me off. I knew Zack sure as hell would not EVER let some random ass girls put their lips on him, but he was completely unresponsive that I didn't think he could've noticed them. They knew I was in a relationship with Zack. They wanted to be bitches about it. Then all of a sudden, from a distance I hear screaming. The girls at my table for some strange reason started beating each other up. My eyes lit up in shock. Looking around me, I could see everyone in fist fights and even going as far as to start killing one another. Zack stood up. What was he going to do?! Though he did nothing, just stood. Was he... somehow allowing me to command him to do something? I got up as well, went towards Zack, avoiding any pushes or body flings to grab his hand. I tugged it towards the direction of the escalators as he worked his legs to follow behind me. We rushed down the elevating steps trying to get to ground level to escape. There were guys with guns trying to shoot us, but we dodged their attacks as we managed to get all the way to the bottom. I could spot a man with a purple trench coat. Dark hair with black slacks making his way to the bathroom right next to the exit. Rachel: "GRAY HELP!" Zack and I quickly ran into the men's bathroom right as the man, who was obviously Abraham Gray, was washing his hands at the sink. I stopped in front of him trying to catch my breath. Rachel: "G...Gray..." Gray looked down at my figure with his pupilless eyes as he smiled. Rachel: "It's crazy out there! I'm scared and Zack is-" Gray: "Oh Rachel, it's quite alright." Gray looked over at the zombified-looking Zack getting a general idea of his condition as he looked back at me. Rachel: "I want to come "home"...." Gray: "I know. But let's get out of this place before the people encompassed in this monument engulf it with our souls in tow." Gray headed out of the bathroom as I followed behind. Rachel: "Wait...what about Danny?" Gray: "Danny is a smart and nimble man. I'm certain he would've escaped by now." By this time, I awoke from the dream. Zack was still asleep. Hopefully, he'll wake up soon. I laid on my bed turning on the laptop that sat next to me so I could type up this event. Once I was done, I laid in bed with ASMR playing through my headphones as I reflected on the dream I just had. Seeing and interacting with Danny, Gray and Zack felt reassuring in a way. Fictionkin related memories and feelings began to cycle through my mind as I thought about "home". Home, meaning, being back with Zack in the worlds I once had been a part of. Being with those like Gray and Danny who have equally, in the past, been people who I've interacted with. There was a soothing realization that I recognized. The ability to one day be able to see them again, along with my other soulbonds.
  4. 1 point
    The last few months I've been asking myself, am I still Kemetic? I'm not in that community anymore. So if community is part of the definition, then no. I never really got into doing the rituals, daily or otherwise, so if ritual is part of the definition, then no. What about the Netjer? Are they inherently Kemetic, or do they transcend that time and place? My earliest thoughts on the subject of my origins were not of this plane of existence, maybe parallel to Earth, maybe overlapping or crossing it, but not specifically of it. I've never believed that I was exclusive to that one river valley. If I'm not Kemetic then what of the Netjer? Who are they, and who am I in relation? How much of that was a real connection shared, and how much was iconography and seeing what I was expected to see? All those ulterior motives and schemes that I read about, are those real, or shadows that the humans painted on walls? Bringing us down until we looked like them, but I didn't hear anyone complaining that it happened. They played along. It served a purpose and didn't seem to be hurting anything. At least that's how I think it went. Spirits, pure energy forms, don't really pass a lot of judgments. Humans say we care about XYZ, so, sure, why not? It seemed important to them at the time. It seemed to make them happy to go along with it. Who created whom? You wear the mask, but the mask serves a purpose and it fits well enough at the time. So, why not wear it? Then they forget that there's more underneath that useful construct. Some of them see beyond it, and many do not. Some catch a glimpse and just as quickly forget what they saw because words don't do it justice. And there's me, stuck on the other side, looking back, with this mind that is like a tiny cup. It overflows and I can't hold on to it. Don't even try, my spirit tells me, just live in the now and see it when it comes. Not supposed to hold on to it, let it flow in and out. So I try to see beyond the masks, and I'm not sure what I expect to see there. Words don't work anymore. Walls and borders disappear, as they were probably arbitrary to begin with. This human mind doesn't know how to begin to get reacquainted. But if it's all so abstract and above it all, then why does my spirit cry and scream out in the night over something I can't remember? Maybe these masks are not completely without substance. Djehuty came and sat with me in his role as physician. He doesn't care what I did or did not do. He tries to cool my mind and return me to balance. Today we sat with each other in silence, our energy forms overlapping slightly. It's like standing at the edge of the ocean, feeling the sand shift as the currents play around your feet. Without saying a word, we discussed the moon and its cool, silver light that brightens the dark. For a moment, I smiled. This is how I can reconnect with the others. No prayers. No asking or offering or telling. Just being. Underneath all the shadows that got in our way, I think that's all they wanted of me. Maybe that's all I wanted of them too.
  5. 1 point
    Okay, so I hope you figured I wasn't really talking about the Matrix. I'm kind of disappointed too, because it would be pretty cool to be able to enter a virtual world where we could physically be our other selves. Something like Ready Player One... yeah... But anyways, I have the next best thing. It's not even close, but it's technically the next best thing. A few years ago, I was browsing a witch craft shop near my home, and on a whim I purchased a book on Native American spirit animals and how to find yours. The actual part about finding the spirit animal never helped, but the meditation technique described in the book sure did. With it, you can enter an open sandbox world, assume whatever form you wish (in this case, my kintype), and basically do whatever you want (I don't judge). It's an excellent tool for voluntary shifting and visualizing your kintype, as I've been regularly using it to do. Enough fluff. Let's get down to business. If you don't know the basics of meditation, you're essentially going to want to find a comfortable, quiet spot to sit or lay down. Close your eyes and focus on the feeling of your chest rising and falling as you breathe. Just focus on this feeling. If you feel your thoughts wandering, don't panic, just gently let the thoughts drift away and return to focusing on your breathing. If you're new to meditating, this may be difficult at first, but just keep practicing. Meditation is a learned skill like most things in life. Do this one time a day for about 3 minutes until you have it down and can start extending the time further. Now, assuming you've been meditating for a while, gently envision yourself in a favorite location, real or imagined. It could be the middle of space, the lawn of the White House, or in my case, a particular beach that I loved in the Honduras. For the sake of presentation, we'll use the beach. Once you're standing on the beach, don't do anything. Feel the cool breeze on your face, flowing through your hair. Wiggle your toes in the sand. Listen to the roar of the surf. Remain on the beach until it feels as real as can be. This is your "loading screen" where you'll anchor your mind to the dream space. Stay on this beach as long as you need, and remember not to rush. Turn around, wherever you are, and see a cave. It doesn't even have to be a real cave- just tack in on to whatever location you're at. This cave is your "tunnel" to the other world. Slowly walk into the cave. Feel the gravel crunch under your feet as you do, and hear your footsteps echoing off the walls. Keep walking until you come to a door. The door can be as close or as far as you wish, just remember to take it slow. If you rush, you'll disrupt the vision. I know you want to get to the fun stuff, but patience is key. Open the door and step through into a new world that your kintype would like. This is the "other" world where your kinself exists. I always step out onto a tall mountain peak, with enough space to accommodate a dragon. It's the tallest peak around, with the rest of the world sprawling away into the horizon on all sides. There's evergreen trees, rivers winding through valleys, and not a cloud in the sunny sky. Take a few moments to once again soak in the sensations of being in this world. The burning of the sun on your face and the wind. Do this as long as you need. Now, transform. Stay in first person. I watch the ground get farther away as my long neck rises into the air. I feel my four legs plant firmly into the ground. I look down to examine my front legs, now draconian. I turn around and see the rest of me, wings included. I flare out my wings slowly and feel the sensation. I remain still for several moments again, just feeling my other body. Then, I trudge to the edge and leap. I feel the wind as I fall, then open my wings and begin soaring. This is it, you're doing it! When you're done with your shenanigans, return to your starting point. Transform back to human. Walk back through the door and through the tunnel and back onto the beach. This is you "returning" to the real world. Open your eyes. You're now back from your journey. This technique may not work for everyone, and that's perfectly okay. If you've found a better way, kudos to you! Maybe share it with me sometime? None the less, this is how I induce voluntary shifts on myself. Thanks for sticking around this long! I hope this helps you visualize your other self!
  6. 1 point
    I mentioned on the forum and my status that I recently decided to rejoin TG - aka Therian Guide, another 'kin forum and one I have quite a bumpy history on. The new account I made got merged with the one I had on there back in 2015, which was right in the thick of my spirit kintype awakening. Looking at my old posts is... less "cringy" than I thought it would be. It's actually quite nice, too see how far I've come and how much of what once existentially confused me has now fit itself into place. One of the more interesting things I've found is my old journal on there. I remember feeling so embarrassed whenever I posted on there, but rereading it, everything sounds perfectly fine and I did a good job of keeping my head on my shoulders despite the terrible emotional state I'd been in at the time. It's kinda weird too, seeing references to things that happened, plans I'd made that fell through, hopes that felt so impossibly far off at the time... "I don't think I'll be living on my own for quite a while yet." Hey, past me. I did it. I live alone now, and I'm an adult, and I'm doing fine and everything's pretty great. You got through it, past me. Everything worked out and everything's getting better. "Y'know, I've never actually seen a wolf." I've seen wolves, now. At the local wildlife centre in Dundee. They have a whole pack there. It's... about as emotionally intense as you'd expect it to be. I want to be with them. I want to be one of them and join in the play fighting and wolf cuddle piles. I want my old pack back. I miss my home. I miss my family. I could have a new pack here, as a human. I could form those kinds of bonds with other humans, even. Maybe. It's a lot. But I like seeing them, even if it makes me feel a bit sad and a bit lost. "Whenever I think of a job working somewhere like that, WIV MAH WULF BROS, my motivation goes right through the roof, so maybe I'll manage to endure the crap. For that." Oh yeah. I forgot. It was that feeling of wanting to work with wolves that kept me going when I was in a bad place. I haven't exactly given up on that, but it's not been my focus for a long while. But hey. I should stick an application in to volunteer at the wildlife centre once I get my driving license and a car. Might be a long wait to get somewhere with it, but maybe I could get to know the pack there like I wanted to. Have some wolf friends! But that's not the thing that hits me the most. Rather, it's the stuff I wrote about my spirit kintype, which I didn't understand at all back then. I would just link to the particular entries, but I can't - they're locked behind the whole member's only privacy thing, so most of you wouldn't be able to read them! So I'll copy the more interesting ones and post them here instead. "CAN'T SLEEP. Dunno why. This is frustrating. I've actually been having problems sleeping for a few weeks now, which is weird - I mean, I used to have insomnia but that was like 3 years ago or something. I've been sleeping fine for so long, I don't know why this has started up again. I dunno what to do. I suppose I could just lie in bed until I fall asleep. Mhh. Well, anyway I came to a really obvious conclusion and I can't believe I didn't even realise this before. Or well, I kinda did but it got lost a bit in my general confusion and frustration. I'm like 98% sure my god-kintype is psychological. Like, oh mah god revelation right there, I'm not actually a freaking reincarnated deity! /sarcasm Which is actually what I thought right when I first awakened. It makes so much sense I can't even believe I haven't thought about it like this in so long (makes me feel 1000000% better because 1. I actually feel less crazy, and 2. I can drop all the existential bullshit). Because... well, uh, the last few years of my life have been... bad. I know I talk like a goof - that's because I am a goof! Levity is basically my coping mechanism. Instead of getting upset, I make dumb jokes. Laugh it off. That's the kind of person I am. That's how I've figured out how to stay sane through all the pain and hardship. I'm not going into what happened. It's a hell of a long story and not something I particularly want to think about right now (won't help me sleep at all, either) but basically, in the end I had to be the 'mature' one, even when I was young. Sometimes I used to feel like I was the only thing stopping everything from falling apart - I mean, I had my brothers, but we were all children. And it wasn't just for a short period of time. Just as we'd solve one problem, something worse would come up. What that adds up to is like half my life filled with trauma after trauma, all coming from different sources. And through all that, I never broke down once. Fucking... 5 or 6 years of being abused or seeing other people being abused, and I held everything inside because I had to, because there was literally no other choice. I was stuck being the strong one, but there was nobody to be strong for me. So I just shoved all the negative emotions down into the back of my mind, and I didn't notice while they festered there, because I was too busy doing my best to stop everything falling apart even more than it already was. That sort of pain doesn't just go away and die though, does it? So *points dramatically* that's what this fucking dragon is. It's all that pain and anger, mushed up into something that basically doesn't give a damn about anything in any way at all. It is the polar opposite of me. Where I'm warm, it's cold. Where I'm empathic, it's completely apathetic in every single way. Which is why is scares me so much. All the other stuff? Well, okay, some of it doesn't make any sense at all. But it being a dragon makes sense, because I was obsessed with dragons as a kid. I never once acted like a wolf. I was always a dragon. I even remember having phantom wings when I was young. The 'god' parts of it - well, they kind of stem from the feeling of invulnerability, and one way to feel invulnerable is to literally not give a shit what happens to you. Some of the other stuff I'm sure is just parts of my personality popping up, or symbolism. The storm thing? I used to be terrified of storms. I'm not anymore. But of course any embodiment of my anger and sadness is gonna pick a thing with emotional history behind it as a symbol. But that kind of explains why I felt so off calling myself a 'god' - because I'm not one, that's just the closest thing I could think of that I could relate to in that sense, since it seems so alien to me. The feeling of being old could actually just be me being so damn tired of everything or something. It all just adds up in the most obvious ways possible. I'm an idiot. Why didn't I make this connection before? Because is wasn't 2 in the morning before Y'know... I actually 100% approve of this as a coping mechanism. I know it doesn't sound healthy, but really - all my negative emotions trapped in their own little Tartarus in the deepest parts of my subconscious, manifested in a way that they don't interfere with my daily life. It's not even an entirely negative kintype, which is pretty impressive considering it basically consists of pain and bad memories. Even when it comes to the surface, it's usually when I'm on my own and basically just numbs my emotions for like half an hour, turns me into some grumpy deadpan turdbasket but that's it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm actually okay with this. I can't believe this has been driving me insane for a year and a half, and in one sleepless night I've basically figured the whole damn thing out. Also gonna go edit my profile to mention this. 'Cause it seems way less awkward being godkin now I've figured it's actually just my brain being screwed up. And also I'm guessing it's kinda less awkward for everyone else too since I'm not prancing around claiming to be an actual, literal god (not that I ever even was). xP I need some celebratory nachos. Except we don't even have any nachos in right now, goddammit. I'm still not tired, though. Uugh. Might take this opportunity to go binge some webcomics or something. *shrugs*" I can definitely see why I came to that conclusion. I was definitely wrong, though. Yep, this was from back when the best word I had for my spirit kintype was some kind of "god", but even then I knew the word wasn't actually right for it. It was just the best I had. This was also before I had a lot of the more poignant experiences with it that helped clear up what it actually is. But I guess this just goes to illustrate what a long and difficult journey this has actually been for me. It always has been a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. It's not something I would ever choose. Then there was this entry I made the very next day. "*generic groaning noises* Sleep deprivation + manual labour = infinite sad faces :c :c :c I've hit a bit of a hurdle with the whole godkin = psychological thing. Or well actually a couple of hurdles. Which is really kinda frustrating because I thought I'd figured it out, and in a way that was actually sort of sane. Not going into it, but there's just so much stuff that doesn't add up... but I really don't want to just ignore the fact that the majority of it can be explained psychologically. Anyway while I was out mowing our (RIDICULOUSLY HUGE) garden today I came up with two things that might be going on here: 1. It's two kintypes I'm mistaking for one. One of them is psychological, the other spiritual. But that still kind of sucks because most of the spiritual stuff only makes sense from the perspective of a godkin or something similar, which means I've still got all the existential stuff on my plate which I really don't want to have to deal with. But then, maybe I'm only jumping to that conclusion because, when it comes down to it, I know fuck all about this sort of stuff. There might be something perfectly normal out there that explains how I feel. When I've got some spare hours I think I'm gonna have some intense RESEARCH MONTAGE and read up on some mythology n' stuff. I feel like I relate pretty well to demonkin so that's probably a good place to start. 2. It's all one kintype that's just been skewed by the psychological stuff. If it's spiritual, then it's likely been hiding in my subconscious for years, so I guess some weird obscure part of me could have latched onto it and poured all the bad feelings into it without me even being consciously aware of it. Maybe that's a little far fetched? Idk. That's the only way I can think of it being both psychological and spiritual. In which case, whatever I actually am spiritually is completely mixed up by that, and my perception of it could be entirely wrong because of it. But I don't know how I'd go about separating the pain I've felt this life from whatever's at my core. I think the best thing I could do if this is the case is try and start over with it. Figure it all out again from scratch. Or maybe just let it lie. It's not disruptive, and really it's only curiosity making me want to figure it out anyway. I guess I need to quit asking questions I don't want to know the answer to. I'm gonna look into the first option first because... well, I like research anyway, and it seems a lot less emotionally taxing. Might even be fun - actually it's pretty much guaranteed I'll enjoy it because READING + MYTHOLOGY = YESSSSSSS. Another thing that happened today was that while I was cutting the grass I had to get pretty close to this weirdly ominous stone at the back of our garden - it's upright, a little more than waist-high, broad and shallow. Kinda looks like a gravestone just from the way its positioned, but if it is then, just going by the weathering, it's been there a hell of a long time. I had to get the lawnmower right up against it to get all the grass, and I just... *shudders* I'm not superstitious but that thing freaks me out. I'm suddenly very, very glad we're moving house this week. Except I'm not done the grass yet so I have to go back out there with it.... hhghgehjdhsjhdd" That fucking stone! I don't actually remember writing this, but I remember the goddamn stone. Because it was that night that the bloody poltergeist showed up at like 1am and started crashing about and banging in the bathroom, and I spirit m-shifted and threatened to eat the poor bastard. (Well, more like deconstruct it and absorb its being, but. Same thing if I'm honest). He stopped after that. No ghost-eating for spirit-me. But I avoided his dumb standing stone after that. So yeah. That was pretty wild. As for my theories. It was #2. And after realising the bad feels weren't intrinsically a part of it, it was easy enough to separate them and start exploring my spirit kintype without the psychological stuff skewing my understanding. It was around that time that I started calling it a kind of demonic entity rather than a godlike entity. And from there, after a couple years' worth of questioning and self-reflection, I came to the conclusion that "demon" wasn't the best name for it either. You guys who were on the old KM probably remember that! Funnily enough, my increasing understanding of this part of myself also coincided with a pretty significant improvement in my mental health. It might be a coincidence, or it could be that without so much depression clouding my mind, it was easier to see my spiritual self for what it really is. So. I'm not a monster. I'm... mostly not a demon, and I'm certainly not a god. I look like a dragon, but I'm not one (I don't think). I am four billion years old. I am connected with storms, but also practically every other natural force that effects the planet in any way, no matter how small. My spirit self doesn't feel emotions like humans, or even animals, do - but it does have emotions. It does feel angry sometimes, but more than that it feel sadness and grief and love for all the weird, savage creatures on its weird, savage planet. It isn't apathetic, but it is quite distant from the struggles and trials of any individual animal. It has to be. Because it cares so deeply for all of them, but it can't let itself become invested in any one life, because that's not its job. When I shift, I feel disconnected from this life and the emotions I feel, but it's not because my higher self doesn't care about any of the stuff it's going through down here in this mortal form. It's because there's so many experiences, so many lives, and each one was meaningful, but amidst the millions of years of life lived, any one single life is going to feel pretty small. It doesn't mean what I do here doesn't matter. It doesn't mean my life here is meaningless. What it does mean is... I'm free. I don't have some purpose I'm here to fulfil. This life is one of many. My only purpose here is to live and experience the world to the best of my ability, and to have a fun time doing it. To think and feel and hurt and grow and learn and, eventually, die. And then do it all over again. It's not a bad existence, y'know. I used to think it was, but it's not. I like life. I like that I don't have some grand purpose to fulfil. I'm just a human who is kind of a wolf, kind of a leopard, secretly a spirit but that doesn't actually matter. And I'm going to make a good life for myself, and be a happy, successful wolf/leopard that is a human being that is a part of a world that is me. Things won't always be okay, and there's gonna be times where I feel unwell again. But that's just the nature of life. It's the hardships that give the good times meaning. I've come so far, and I'll keep on going.
  7. 1 point
    Last night, as I settled down to sleep, I did a little meditation session. No particular goal besides just connecting with my spirit kintype in some way, since I've felt cut off from it lately. It was... interesting. It wasn't as vivid as a dream - more like a kind of immersive narrative in my "mind's eye". I could still feel my human body, lying in my bed, but I could feel my spirit form separate from it, like I was existing in two places at once. I didn't go into this with any particular intentions or idea in mind, so... I guess everything came from my subconscious or something. It was weird, but in the sort of familiar way I'm used to when it comes to this kintype. It is a weird kintype, after all. I was walking slowly. My body was somewhat draconic, especially the face area, which had a mid-length scaly snout full of exposed, reptilian teeth. My scales, as usual, were black and almost appeared like shards of obsidian, closely locked together or overlapping slightly. I had three pairs of front legs, powerfully built and sturdy like a big cat's, but more splayed apart; something like the legs of those old terrestrial crocodiles, maybe? One pair of legs were held off the ground, tucked against my chest, while the other two moved together in a strange kind of synchronicity that felt natural at the time. I only had one set of back legs, but didn't pay close attention to them. I had... one or maybe two sets of leathery wings, broad and massive, and two long whip-like tails which swept up dust behind me in agitation. I don't know why I was agitated. My breath felt laboured and raspy, and I was walking almost in a limp. I looked around, trying to get my bearings, and realised I was in the charred remains of some forest after a huge wildfire. There were still some flames flickering on the burned corpses of coniferous trees, but most of it had died down to smoke and embers. The ground was covered in ash, and the sky was choked with it. In the distance I could see some traces of forest that still had some green to them. I didn't think that forest was any better or worse than this one. I didn't mind the ash or smoke or embers. I was looking for someone who I knew wouldn't come. I planted my many feet and let out a huge roar, then a few deep but otherwise very avian-sounding chirps, which then transitioned to a long, drawn-out howl. Nothing changed. I slumped, feeling defeated, and lay on my belly. Shoving my snout under my tails and folding my wings, I curled up into a ball like a dog, and felt my body merge together into one solid whole - a boulder. Just a boulder. After a few moments I pushed some part of myself into the ground, which became a snout again, and I wormed my way into the dirt in some form like a massive legless skink. I kept digging downwards, faster than would have been physically possible, as it got hotter and hotter. Down through the layers of dirt, then straight through solid rock, then increasingly less solid as the heat became more and more intense. All the while, my tail grew longer and longer, still connected to that boulder up on the surface. Then I was swimming through magma, and still going, on and on and on. I don't even know how to describe how hot it was. But it didn't hurt, of course. Actually, it felt kind of nice. Like something bad was being burned away. I couldn't see anything once I started digging, but I could feel everything around me. Then I just stopped, deciding I'd reached my destination, and it felt familiar and comforting and incomprehensibly hot. I remember thinking, in the kind of vague, ambiguous way my spirit-self thinks, that it was "my own little Sun". I basked in the heat of it for just a few seconds, then I started moving back up through the tail I'd left behind me - like, I guess my mind was moving up through it in some strange way. Then my head was at the top, where the boulder had been before, and my tail was still left coiling and twisting through the ground. A moment later I was in a draconic form again, the same as I had been in before, and my tails were both on the surface, but the connection to the heat below was still there just as strongly as before. I just kind of... lay there for a bit. I didn't feel agitated any more, and my breathing was smooth rather than the sickly rasping it had been before. I felt content. I guess I fell asleep after that? I don't remember anything else. So. I don't know what I did, but I feel like I patched whatever connection issues I was having, because. It feels like it used to now. I wasn't expecting anything like this to happen so quickly or naturally, but hey. Spirit-me knows what it's doing even if human-me doesn't. And that connection with that point deep under the Earth is like... still there. Just, right there, like I could reach out and touch it. But at the same time it's so far away I can't even wrap my head around it. I don't know what the deal with that is, but eh. I don't understand much these days, so whatever. Nope, I will never be able to write anything about this kintype that is not weird.
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