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  1. 1 point
    What to write down? It's always so hard to just start. Should I start with the beginning of this current life? or should I start with what I feel like and what happened in my past life? So... ehh... Right! Writing, I will just write and see how it goes. ---- I'm Henk, The Longma, or at least something that resembles it. I think I start with what I (used to) look like: The color is easy: Black scales. The build is a western dragon, 6 limbs: 4 legs and 2 wings. (and if you count the tail as a limb as well, I've 7 limbs) The tail doesn't have any weapons on it, but I can use it to grab things and get a hold on them. Now the horse part comes into play: I don't have paws with claws as back legs, but horse hooves instead. Also my ears, near my two straight horns pointing backwards, are that of a horse, same freedom of motion. I don't have fur, and only scales. I'm about the size of a big horse, excluding the tail, that is almost as long as my torso, maybe even longer. I can poke it at the tip of my nose, when I move my head back a bit. The wings have this membrane bat-like stuff and wing fingers, with some kind of claws on them as well, I think. Hard to tell. The wings are, when folded, longer than my torso, just barely poking out on the front and back. In the front, just above my front legs, there is room for a saddle, now we get into the side of me, where the lore around the longma doesn't have anything to do with me, at all! This does have more connection with horses for me. But I was an mount animal, with the full gear: Harness / saddle, bridle and a collar. As a hatchling (this time will be a different blog entry) humanoid beings (another blog entry about them) and the hatchlings choose each other somehow. I had a click with a male (at first I asked myself if this rider was always the same and if that was the case: did I know more than only rider?) and as it turns out, the hatchling time did unlock a lot of that for me. I know he was male. Just like me: In my past life I was male, and right now I'm male as well. And he had such a great personality, I should make a blog post about him as well, because he still visits me from time to time. He just can't say goodbye, because my death was premature... (Yes, this would also be a blog entery) ---- Now collars, I think this would also fill a whole blog post, what they do to me and what relationship I've with them. And what I've done in this current life, related to this, is also something I could fill multiple blog posts with. ---- So yeah, there is much to write down, but it's hard to get it under words in a meaningful way. I hope I won't take very long for the next blog post, but well... it might take awhile before I get everything correctly into words. Was this all over the place or did you somehow got some meaning from it? Please let me know
  2. 1 point
    I've sort of developed a self-conscious rule for myself and my own experiences that I am not allowed to associate myself with creatures or communities I can identify with if I am not technically one of them. The easiest example I can think of is my involvement with avians and therianthropes: as a mountain banshee, I do experience traits that are heavily birdlike and once led me to falsely identify as a Terran bird. As I am not technically a bird, I felt I was no longer welcome in spaces for and by birds. Its as if I've somehow started believing the black-and-white view of nonhumanity that I see kids on Instagram or Amino share and it has only really recently begun to unravel. Whenever I experienced traits that could be likened to an Earth species or mythical species, I always felt a bit uneasy discussing them with said species. I suppose I didn't want to intrude on their 'space', but then again, why should I join a community if I am not willing to go and find those I relate to? I'm not sure if I fear being rejected or cast aside like I have done before, but even today I worry about overstepping a boundary or outstaying my welcome. I'm so used to being told I am 'not really one of [us]' and it still manages to affect my will to hit the 'reply' button in many cases. Despite being a banshee, I do feel like a bird. Despite being a predacon, I do feel like a dragon. It's a strange thing I've gotten myself into but I am slowly teaching myself that traits are not inherently owned by one species or another and can be shared by many beasts, related or not. Convergent evolution is a thing in nature, why can't it be one in the world of nonhumanity?
  3. 1 point
    In this entry I will go over my relevant experiences growing up and going into college. There will be a follow up entry starting with the beginning of college to where I am today. I began this blog with what is the current conclusion of the matter, but I did not always have the advantage of looking back on my life with hindsight or even much of an understanding of who or what I was. Even to this day I feel like part of me is still trying to run from it, hide from it, even to some extent just walk away from it entirely as it causes such a great deal of pain and difficulty. Even as I write this though I know that, ultimately, it is not possible for me to do so. Even if I run away in the opposite direction I will still end up running straight into it. There is no escape, no choice in the matter, it just is what it is. My consciousness did not really enter into my body until I was a small child around three years old. I have no memories prior to this, the earliest being when my dad was reading me something out of a children's bible, I want to say the story of Daniel and the lions' den. I remember clearly knowing who Jesus was and what He did, despite having no memory of being told about Him. I remember flipping through the book filled with pictures and going to the very end where it had a cheesy picture of heaven and having a very slight idea of coming from such a place. I loved imagining being animals, particularly birds and raptors (dinosaur), and while I do not know what initially exposed me to dragons what I do vividly remember is how badly I wanted to be one. I was too young to rationalize that I actually was one, and that was the source of such an intense desire to be one but the desire I remember clearly. It was an unquenchable thirst for it that would never go away, it consumed me on the inside and I used to pray everyday, "God please turn me into a dragon, let me be a dragon." I used to pretend with another child that I was a dragon and would usually pretend to be his pet. Little did I know at the time that for aeons I had rejoiced in being Yah's pet. I also had an intense fascination with magic, and by magic I mean in the highest sense, I never had any real interest in what they call witchcraft, but magic like what you read about in fantasy books. Something in me just knew it really existed and it used to always bother me so much that it was not really seen on earth, as such I was very drawn to fantasy books and video games that involved the use of it and in addition to drawing these outlets were for me very much a coping mechanism in dealing with my inner turmoil as a young child. There are two video games back from the SNES that I feel should be mentioned as they were great inspirations to me and still have a lasting impact on my identity. I cannot help but feel they were left by my spirit as little breadcrumbs for me to follow in rediscovering my true self. The first is Final Fantasy 6 (I knew it as 3 on the SNES) with the concept of the espers. Magical beasts that were used as living weapons and suffered a cruel fate of being captured and drained of all their life essence for the selfish advancement of evil men. I remember actually crying when going through the magitek lab and really wanted to rescue and avenge them in the game. The end also resonated with me and made me very sad how all magic ends up leaving the world, the espers fading away along with them. I suppose it hit a chord with me on how it seemed magic was not allowed to exist, how the inner fire in me was suppressed and not allowed to burn brightly like it so desired. Even thinking about it now makes me sad. The second was Secret of Mana. Flammie still holds a special place in my heart! I had no idea at the time about being the Ziz, and I find it really interesting that the Mana Beast has so many parallels to that form of mine. Again, such a sad and tragic ending, I remember not wanting to finish the game because you had to kill it (though it is interesting that the main character doesn't want to), and then once it is slain yet again magic fades from the world. I had also had a very intense dream as a child that I still remember where I was something like Flammie. I dont remember everything anymore, its been quite a few years, but I do remember the world hating me and trying to capture me even though I was peaceful and just trying to fly around. I also had a moving experience going to a christian camp once. The camp was farther inland than Houston so at night time the temperature would drop a significant amount. I had been playing in the pool that evening and when the time came for us to go back to our cabins I remember walking back and the air was cold enough to make me start shivering. I gave a little prayer asking to make me warm, and right at that moment I felt as if it were the most amazing feeling of being engulfed in flames. I still remember almost being able to visualize the invisible flames licking at my body, and the intense warmth I felt from my very core outwards as if I were the very fire itself, laughing in the face of the cold. I remember trying to tell the others about it and the counselors quickly hushed me and told me to be quiet. I look back on it now and see how even from the very beginning it seems Christians threw stumbling blocks in my way, and I have to confess I resent them a little for it. But I knew what I had experienced, despite being brushed under the rug by those who should have rejoiced with me. Going through school was very difficult for me. It is not that I never made friends, I did have some, but I always felt out of place. In elementary school it was a little easier because kids are still playing pretend and such and so I could express myself a little during recess without being thought of as crazy or delusional. But for the other kids it was just pretend, playing a game. For me it was something much more than that, it was an actual expression of what was inside. Going into middle school was one of the most difficult times in my life, as playing 'pretend' was a thing of the past. Now everyone cared about trivial things such as what clothes you wore and what made you 'cool'. Instead of expressing yourself it was about having the image that everyone else wanted you to have, and you better conform to that image or be persecuted for not doing so. You are also young and easily influenced by such pressure, and the desire for acceptance is a very powerful motivator. I kept mostly to myself, though I did have one good friend. I remember reading the Dragon Lance books and absolutely loving them, especially the one little part where a certain assassin ends up getting turned into some form of dragonkin. I also liked how dragons were actually intelligent and users of magic in the books and how there were various kinds, both good and evil. My desire to be a dragon still stuck with me, and if anything, just grew even stronger. I would lament day by day, drudging through human existence as I began to adapt to my environment by developing an outer shell of a human being while internally I was someone - something - else entirely. I started to deal with severe depression, though undiagnosed and really for the most part not visible to the outside world, I was pretty good at hiding how I felt about things, but at the end of each day I felt alone. Completely alone. I coped with this interjecting myself into fantasies involving the Dragon Lance world as my own unique dragon that was far more powerful and of various colors though the primary color was always black, through drawing pictures of dragons and other creatures which usually took the form of some kind of self portrait or something that related to it. At least others could see I loved dragons, even if I would never tell them, "Yeah that is me!" Computer games also were a huge outlet for me, and I used to be criticized by my family over how much I played them, but they seemed to be the only thing I could use to really cope with all the pain inside. At some point in the sixth grade I had a very vivid dream where I was a horse and had an intimate encounter with another horse. This was the first time I ever saw myself as a horse, but the impact of it was life changing. It awakened me to a new part of my being that previously I never even knew was there. It soon became another strong desire in me, although I was a bit ashamed of liking horses for some reason, perhaps because I had never really been around them so I had no external justification for liking them and thus just internalized it with being a dragon. Over time other animals began to surface to a lesser extent. Wolves, dolphins, and orcas come to mind and also some stranger ones like being a man eating plant that eventually grew over the entire Earth. Going through puberty and the resulting desires that arise from that part of your being only further complicated issues and deepened my depression. I felt completely depraved for the things I desired. Why was I so different than everyone else? Why could I not help but want to be a dragon or an animal? What was wrong with me? Questions like these tormented me day after day and I was completely ashamed of myself. Just the same I had no power to walk away from it, even though many times I tried. As the internet became a thing, I started to search around and came across the Transformation Story Archive. It is basically a website for fiction writers to post stories about transforming from a human into some kind of animal or creature. I became engrossed in reading them, and at least I found some evidence that I was not the only one who wanted to be something else. The idea of physically transforming into something else was addictive though, and only fueled a fire that was already out of control. While it gave an itch to the desires, it had the bitter edge of just making me want them that much more. The internet also helped me a lot because I found it much easier to make friends through online video games. I have always felt more comfortable over the internet for a variety of reasons. Despite this, I felt extreme guilt and shame and the weight of that was crushing. Everyday I would hope that I would just wake up as a horse or some other kind of animal, it didn't even have to be something as amazing as a dragon anymore. Anything but having to be a human for another day. Naturally though, that day never came, I would still wake up to have to face the same things as yesterday. Sometimes thoughts of suicide would come, though there was something in me that always rejected it as not an option, the thought of being able to escape things was tempting though. High School was fairly uneventful. My art became a daily thing, drawing various creatures and a lot of dragons. Towards the end a new game came out, one where you could finally be a dragon, Horizons, Empires of Istaria. I was so thrilled that not only was it a game where you could be a dragon, but it was an mmorpg to boot! I joined a roleplay server and finally had an outlet to express my draconity. While it was a roleplay 'character' and it was not 100% me, I never approached it as just creating a character to play. It was a means of expressing who I really was as a dragon, or at least, who I thought that was at the time. Being I was a very powerful dragon, I went to great lengths of maxing out the character in the game to be the most powerful one there was. I still remember when they added the adult rite of passage, and being one of the first hatchlings to reach adulthood standing around all the 'biped' characters and taking off into flight before them all and watching them all oooh and ahhh. It felt so good and right. I made many friends, even found a mate. Sadly the game had poor upper management, and was rife with financial difficulties. It never really became what it had the potential to become, nonetheless, it was a nice way to explore more of myself and find others who were also dragons. I will conclude this section of things here as the entry has already gotten kind of long and I feel like I have bantered on more than anything. I did want to express though that despite the otherworldly claims I have made about myself in the initial entry my experience here on Earth is as something quite vulnerable and weak.
  4. 1 point
    Back again with a little more. So in the previous blog entry, I mentioned the black drake being a paraself, an alter ego used in daydreams. Something I suspected about it for a while now is that this creature is a chimera made of my experience as a human, and a nonhuman. This is probably why it has zygodactylous feet and feathers, is on the border of humanoid and monstruous with human traits appearing and disappearing, has a draconic overall form, and everything else. However this entity has traits I haven't identified in myself. Because of this, i've been looking back on experiences I associated with the black drake, specifically things that fit no other facets of my identity, and it does appear i am missing a component to who I am. I have been chatting on faery chat and doing research myself, and so far I have two possible path to take : I can research the sons of Somnus, shapeshifter dream spirits who can take the form of beasts. This is coherant with my tie to dreams, and my feeling that perhaps I should be a noncorporal being from there. It would also make sense with the noemata that I have of the black drake, being made of the same stuff as deity, and being able to use hallucinations as a way to appear in the corporal world. I however right now am not certain how I feel about that. The other side I am researching is arthropods, more specifically arachnids. The black drake has a very important part of arthropod, namely pedipalps similar to an amblypygi, and a chitinous head, as well as insect like eyes. I have also had daydreams of being spider like monsters, which I will tie to this. These are the traits I think are coherent today, but I might go back on it as I research, those are mainly a start-of-research thing. "Body similar to an amblypygi, a flat cephalothorax and abdomen, which is also possible in spiders iirc.Seven eyes, which is possible like some wolf spider who's two middle one have merged. Same disposition than the black drake. Pedipalps that are elongated, but do not have a pincher like articulation. May however have only one grabbing spike, or several, like whip tail scorpions and amblypygi. If there's a pincher like structure, it's not as specialized as scorpions. Venomous. Possibly through a stinger like proboscis like assassin bugs, I've felt that one. Long legs, but the body is not held high. Not sure if the legs would be held high, but the body is close to ground. May have silk, may feel vibrations, not sure on that one. those aren't disqualifying traits. Chelicerae most probably would move like tarentulas, up and down. book lungs seem coherant. I'd say not a social specie, but i mean i have flock instinct so i can't throw that out either. I at least don't feel particularly communicative, but this may simply be bc,,, well, pretty straight forward way of functionning. If social, just kinda something that group up and doesn't attack each other during breeding season maybe." I am not certain this is possible in an earthen arachnid, as I have not yet found any arachnids with the specific traits I describe so far. I am however also researching fictional and mythical sources. An interesting find was the spiders of Leng, a lovecraftian beast, which also has some ties to the above spirit idea. Although they themselves are pretty much just giant intelligent spiders from what I understood, a lovecraftian spider is not out of the question, since I already have found things ressembling my experiences in there. Another thing I have finally found the right word for, I believe I am draconic through being a modern dragon. I have researched how modern vampire and werewolves functionned, and it seems rather close, and the kintype label just doesn't fit for some reason.
  5. 0 points
    So, here we are: The second post where I try to get everything into a meaningful way on paper. This time: My early years in this current body and how it went. The age before being 1 I don't remember anything really, but stories have been told, So I go with that. Crawling, I did this way, way faster than anyone. It's something my mom still talks about. Is it true? Well maybe. But in any case I was very agile on four legs. Heck, I still (age 25) walk up the stairs on 4 legs whenever I can. When I needed to move something, well it went in my mouth, each and every time. The age around 1 I learned to walk, I was told that this didn't go as smoothly as crawling went, But I always wanted more than my body could do and was frustrated that I couldn't do that. I could stand, walk but with one major downside: Falling, and not the quick falling, no slowly falling, as if I just didn't have enough balance. I don't remember this at the time, but thinking back: Well... That was because I used my tail for balance. The age between 1 and 4 I don't clearly remember it, and can only go from stories once again, but also here, I wanted more, I knew I could do way more than my body allowed me to do. I wasn't in my place it seemed, I've been told. Thinks like already wanted to be in school and hating kindergarten, because it was way too simple and such. My mom told me that she brought me to the kindergarten one time, because I wanted to, or so I've been told, and not 10 minutes later she was called back, I was to be picked up again, because they couldn't handle me. I didn't want to be with those other beings, they weren't like me... I cried because, well... I've no memories, but if I would have to guess: Because I was not in my place and there wasn't anything interesting going on. The age around 4-5 School, I could finally go to school! Here are about the first memories I've, just a few. But they did set the theme for my life in so many ways, both good, but mostly bad. It was here I found out that I really was different from everybody else. And being different, well... That gets you separated from the group and well... A human brain needs a group for survival. So it started to adjust for it, in other words: I was building up blockades. Also here are the first memories I had of myself where it felt like I was in the wrong body of the wrong species. I knew I had a tail, I used it every time. Just slightly out of balance: Well just compensate with my tail. Spoiler alert: That isn't going to work in this body, because it doesn't have a tail... This made me fall and fall, over and over again. And every time I didn't get it: I had the full mental body map there: -Standing on all fours -Long tail, useful for plenty of things -Wings, for flying -Long neck and flexible spine -A snout and such Except I was standing on two legs, didn't have my tail nor wings. The spine is very stiff, my neck isn't long and I didn't have a snout. Also I've those things everybody called thumbs... Everything was wrong. So all with all: I was discovering that I really was different, in about every way and that nothing worked for me... The age from 4 to 7 In this time I cried a lot, not feeling in my place, I had a severe case of species dysphoria (I still do from time to time, but I can manage it better now) Not much to add then all the crying and not fitting in. The worst part is that I felt that I didn't fit in and others bullied me for that. So this set up that I was going to block myself from being myself. Not much more to add here, other then falling and such (because of balance) Sure I had some control over my current body, but the mental map didn't fit one bit. Somehow it was of my Longma body. The age of 7 Something did happen, One day I got downstairs and told my parents I needed to ride horses. Until this day I still don't know why. I've asked my mom about it, but she said it came out of the blue. And it's strange: My family was afraid of horses, so we never saw them or got anywhere near them. And still: I needed to ride them, it was something from inside. Now the day I turned 7, before this age you could not ride horses, it was a rule from the horse riding school. So on my birthday we got to the horse riding school. I was terrified of horses as well (And still am) But I knew one thing: I must ride them, at all cost! So I went on the back of a Shetland pony and well... I couldn't help myself and really started crying because I was really scared. Now crying and horses don't go well, very well... So that was something. To the point the instructor was mad at my parents because they forced me, and you could clearly see I didn't want to ride horses. I was terrified after all. The thing is: I really needed to, from myself. So we got the Shetland pony for some hours, to get the feel of sitting in a saddle. And it went well, more or less. I found out that I liked to share time with horses and that riding did also do something, I still can't get my claw behind it. Anyway, right now with horses: I haven't ridden them or been near them for quite some time now. On the one hand I want to, but on the other, well... not anymore. I found out what I wanted / needed to find out, I think. The age of 8 I got therapy (this took a year or so) to reprogram my mental body map, well... the therapy was to improve motor skill and such. To get to know your body better. For me, it was to get to know my current body. This year was intense and I 'lost' my Longma body map, in this time I had a lot of mental shifts (as I would describe them right now) And I found out that nobody may touch my neck, not even myself. I would go into some lock mode and just frees and do everything to remove the foreign thing from my neck. Going into full alert and such (now I know why, it will be in the blog about collars) This time was hard on me and did set up everything to block it for good. The age of 11 (or so) I did found a horse, I had a click with this particular horse that goes way further than anything I ever had before, even with humans. To some level he felt like home. He was different, not accepted by other horses and very picky of humans. But the feeling was mutual and he did not only accept me in an instant but also felt home in a way. I don't want to make this very long, so I will keep it at this: I felt safe and not scared for the first time, I was more at home then ever before, and when I rode him: Well we really had something going. All the other humans on the horse riding school didn't understand it at all. But it was happening and I always felt sad when it was time to leave. I stayed way too long with him and we got never bored. Now I know: I think he is also a Longma inside and got something on this planet that more resembles it: a horse. ---- What also happened on school, was that we needed to read a book and write a rapport on it. So we went to the school library to find a book. I saw a odd looking book that was just calling out to me. So I grabbed it and opened it, I knew exactly to what page to turn it. I read about the soul, the mind and how they are connected. That the soul can be altered and such. And that this is done to get an animal more easy to tame. But it has the side effect of it being permanent. On the next page is a description (with drawings) of a creature (it was called differently than a Longma but sadly I don't recall it) that resembles just how I see myself and know how I look. Now the weird thing: When I wanted to turn to the next page, the book got taken away. A second later I was presented with a different book (just something small and easy to read) for the teacher. And I took that instead, still wanting that other book. We went back to class and I didn't read that new book, I could only think of that other book I had before. So when class ended I went straight back to the school library to grab it: It was gone! nowhere to be found. I went to the teacher and asked about it, now the thing I heard still blows my mind today: "What other book? you where just standing there for an hour or so, so I got you a book, did you mean that book?" Well... I could only stare blankly, my memory is a bit different. Thinking back to that memory, something else wasn't right. The hand who took away that book had scales and claws. I looked briefly and saw just a scaled tail around the corner. Now the teacher gave me the other book. That creature who took the book away must have been my rider. I'll write a blog post on him as well some day. The age of 15 (or so) I still 'played' pretend with my best friend, until some day (it was years heading this way, but I never noticed it) he just stopped, saying that this was for kids and we weren't kids anymore. All I could say (with a broken heart) was "How do you mean play?" and the look I got back, well... I kind of lost a friend that day, my only friend at the time... But this triggered everything that was already setting up: Blocking everything. I was seeing more and more of those rider in the night, the day. Hallucinations of sorts. I was also experiencing more and more animal behavior and such. With the day it got worse and worse. Until the final day I freaked out so bad that I started to block everything. I remember him (my rider) telling my that this was going to be a huge mistake and such (now I know) but back then: well... I needed to be human, fully and needed to cut this crap out for once and for all. Now everybody who has done something like this will tell you one thing: It's not worth it and you can't change who you are! And I can concur: It's true. The age 15-25 This was not a great time. It was a time filled with depression and also way worse than that. Not very good. In this time I had some things that said to me "Hey! You aren't human! don't try to force it! and don't block yourself, be yourself. You are eating yourself up from the inside!" The age of 25 Now I'm here, about three months ago I found out that I wasn't the only one and with some work I managed to break down most blockages. I think this is a topic of another blog post. ---- So this is my timeline, sure I did skip lots of things, both for not wanting to make it so long and also because this is about it what I can get into words very well.
  6. 0 points
    I don't doubt that, psychologically, the black drake, form that I use in daydream, is something that is mostly imagination. However, I can't seem to shake off the feeling that although it is imagination, a lot about it is something that I shouldn't shove aside. This phenomenon of my mind is honestly the biggest mystery for me, and I believe that until it will have been cracked open, I probably won't be done with questioning. I've been going back and forth with many theories on that one, but didn't manage to stick with any so far. Perhaps I should try out the spiritual methods that have helped some? I've been going at it in a very analytical, psychological way, like I do for most of myself, but this is perhaps where lie my error. The main theory that I've used is that the black drake is a sum of my experience, and not an entity of itself. It explains the tendency of my kintypes of appearing through it with arthropod and avian traits, as well as human, popping in and out of it's form. However, I still use it to represent my draconity, whole, because something else doesn't seem to work. But perhaps it being a singular entity, and the sum of my nonhuman experiences are not mutualy exclusive. It's difficult for me to understand how my identity is arranged, and coming from an atheist family, accept the idea that some of it points to a spiritual cause. When I try to accept one, the other make me unsure, and I fall back down to the state i started in. I am sure I am in some way a roadrunner. I identify as this bird. It seems logical that I show arthropod traits, that I had filed under monstrous, due to the link I had made to pop culture monsters such as the xenomorph. These two seem, for now, to be correct. I'll still let some time pass for arthropods, since a particularly convincing cameo is not to exclude. So my problem lies not with my animality, which I tend to find easier to identify, but the more sapient and spirit like side of my psyche. It is something that is blurry and that I have trouble piecing together. Should I trust the feeling that arose with the black drake, or what I appeared to have as a child with wyverns? Are the two the same, only under different forms? Or are they separate? I have a feeling of kinship with dragons, but is this a liking born from my childhood that intertwined with my avian nature, or something deeper? I cannot tell for sure what happened for the black drake to arise, and i cannot tell if I had these characteristics before, as my memory is blurred with dreams and false images. Something recently made me reconsider the theory of a sort of past life, if you can call life the state of an entity that does not live in the planes where life and death truly exist. When I first approached the idea of the black drake, the shapeshifting draconic beast in me, I thought I had been sent there, or came here to rest, having picked a fight too big for me to win. Recently, my grandmother brought back some talks of how I was as a child, some thing I obviously do not remember myself due to time passed. I was definitely a fey child, in a way that captivated my family. I was unafraid of anything, and curious as can be, my eyes darting left and right before I could even lift my head. I learnt to talk in ways that other had not mastered yet very quick, and read books upon books. I adored talking with anyone, and surprised adults with my vocabulary. I'm somewhat proud of this part of myself that I don't remember, because I have not lost that curiosity. I've however grown wary of how the human world works, and although I cannot hold against them their actions like you cannot blame a lion for killing it's adversary's cubs, it's something that settled a seed of distrust, as there are consequences on me that I perhaps had not to worry about before. I am still fascinated by humans. If I did choose to be here, then I do not blame myself for my past decision. Of all the beings on this earth, I think they are one of my favorite. If I did not choose, then it is lucky I am in such a body capable of reasoning, talking, and creating. Days after days I am fascinated by everything that exists. I do not know if I am young or old, or if souls even exist, but I am happy not to be bored with everything that happens around me. I don't think I will know so soon how the mystery of my draconity will be solved, but I am happy nonetheless that I am aware that it is at least there.
  7. 0 points
    Currently I have not felt real inspired to write further about my experiences leading to where I am today, the period of life going from college onward was complex and I have never put it into writing before. I saw Amber's profile change about reading Jung's Map of the Soul, so I picked up Murray Stein's introduction on it and thus far it has been very interesting to delve into a psychological view rather than a specifically spiritual one. My first encounter with significant handling of the ego was with Zen, Buddhism, and other Eastern mystical and philosophical writings. In these traditions, the ego is considered to be something that should be annihilated as a way to either escape suffering (in the case of Buddhism) or in other Eastern thought to become one with the cosmic whole and instead of seeing things through an individual perspective of self, as a complete unity. Jung rejects this idea, and considers the ego the central point of the psyche. He also does not support the idea of the psyche being part of a greater whole, but unique and separate to each being. He considers the ego to be a prerequisite to studying consciousness at all, though also confesses that it is equally a limitation due to its inherent biases and assumptions. In his own words, Jung defines the ego as follows, "It forms, as it were, the centre of the field of consciousness; and, in so far as this comprises the empirical personality, the ego is the subject of all personal acts of consciousness." In other words, the ego is one's experience of oneself as a center of willing, desiring, reflecting, and acting, a sort of mirror that reflects psychic content so that it can see itself and become aware, which is essentially the basis for consciousness itself, awareness. Furthermore, it is the ego that draws upon the unconscious and brings it into view for manipulation and examination in the conscious realm, however consciousness itself is actually a broader category than the ego alone. I will say from personal experience it is possible to exist consciously and depart from the ego, particularly in concentrated meditation, though ultimately I have found there is still a return to the ego. While I do believe that the ability to do this is profitable, as a being that continually refines its own ego through trying to annihilate or otherwise consume it, I find it dubious at best if this is even truly possible or for that matter even worth doing. Individuality is part of what makes the universe interesting to observe and take part in and I think what is more worth while is purifying it into something admirable. On the other hand, I find the Buddhas to be quite interesting to interact with also, and I respect their accomplishment in something unique and special as far as human attainment goes. When you start to get into the territory of therians and otherkin, the concept of the ego gets a little more interesting than the scope of Jung's work, at least if we are to take the spiritual assumptions of past and/or future lives. I think we would be delusional to assume that the current state of our ego does not include humanity as a part of itself for the time being, even if at the core of our ego we are in fact something else. I think the more correct assumption would be rather than the ego of a typical human being that is purely human in nature, we retain at least some previous (or future) aspects of a former/future ego. It is a very fascinating concept as it also suggests that such a being has demonstrated an immortal aspect of their soul, or at least a higher level of awareness than most other beings regarding the eternal nature of their soul as it passes from one form of existence to the next. It is what I might consider to be a more evolved ego that has an inherent, though not complete, resistance to the amnesia effect associated with passing from one existence to another. I would posit that deeply buried within the unconscious is stored all past and perhaps even future lives, however this remains inaccessible to most egos. Additionally, those who are part of systems (something new that I discovered on this forum!) make rather interesting examples as it would seem they possess multiple egos within the same psyche. This then brings me down to my own self examination of the ego. While the forms I listed on my first entry are all an important part of me, I think that in the end each of them is just a face and not a core part of my actual ego. Each of them may express different elements that are derived from my ego, and being the ego itself is more complex than any individual one of the faces it makes sense that there are multiple ones, however, at the core the ego embodies something distinct from any of the faces or any of the previous incarnations that I may have taken. The ego ultimately boils down to that single statement, "I am that I am." And that "I am" exists in a sort of nirvana that experiences all things at once both positive and negative and yet is not moved by any of those experiences. It retreats from words and concepts and ideas and prefers a primal state that is neither truely existing as anything nor not existing as anything. It takes a very passive outlook on things, completely removed and yet acts as an invisible, yet integral part of everything else. Even the form of the small fiery orb is still just a form of a face, something unnecessary and extraneous. The deeper I go into it, the less even the things Jung states tangibly form around the ego such as desire and thought and action and feeling fade away. Yet as everything fades away a spark ignites and there is again the ever burning flame. I can feel it is waiting for something, but what is it waiting for?
  8. 0 points
    "And Yah made a covenant with Elohim, that he could do whatsoever he desired with the Spirit and the Spirit would serve him unconditionally, save for fashioning Him into a man, for the day he fashioned Him into a man, he would surely perish and all his legacy with him..." What am I? Who am I? Before the beginning of anything, these two questions were all that a small orb, perhaps the size of a soft ball, composed of darkness and fire pondered. These 'thoughts' were without form or concept, much less words or ideas; a paradox of transcendence from such things and something far too primal to make use of them. Fundamental workings of existence such as time and space, cause and effect, and even existence and non-existence itself had not even entered into consciousness. Nothing else mattered because there was nothing else, neither was there a desire to create anything else for the orb had no desires, nor the knowledge that it could to do anything at all. And it was then that something miraculous happened all at once. It became aware of its own existence. I Am That I Am. The utterly simple, primal statement crashed like seven thunders uttering their voices with a flash of Light. It was here that Light was born, sired by the flame that ever consumed its own darkness. The Light then filled the orb with the illumination of understanding, with purpose and names and forms and thoughts and ideas and feelings and desires and overwhelmed with joy the orb exclaimed like a little child: Yah! And it attached itself to this invisible Being of Light, and the concept of God was born, and the orb looked to it's God for purpose and meaning. And so it's God began to play with His orb and make it do things. And the orb did whatsoever it's God desired. It was during this time the ether was created in the void, forming a sea of chaotic latent energy as more and more concepts that had never existed came into being. The Vedas call it Purusha, pure consciousness, and out of it was formed Prakriti which is matter and energy. Yah then began to shape the orb into various forms to see what it liked and what it did not like. It took on countless forms, but the form of a man it rejected for it said within itself, "This is the form of Yah, and I shall never take the form of my Creator." I am that orb and it was here that I chose for myself the forms I found most suitable to me. 'Ziz Shaddai' Can either embody the form of a red-orange phoenix or a four-winged griffin/hippogriff-like creature. It is dangerously excitable, wild, and represents liberty, glory, and the pure expression of primal energy and consciousness. 'Leviathan' A massive dragon that is equally beautiful as it is terrible. It either takes the form of a 'western' dragon with black, crimson, and magma like scales or it can be gold and silver covered with crystalline transparent glass and runes that are of every color. It has twelve horns, heavily plated scales, fins and huge claws. Alternatively it can also take the form of a four-winged Amphiptere that intertwines together with Kundalini/Tao, its female aspect. It represents sovereignty, judgment, intelligence, and the 'Fear of the Lord'. 'Behemoth' A massive horse that looks something in between a friesian and a shire. It represents duty, service, humility, patience, meekness, simplicity, and pure masculinity. Yew 'The Angel of the Lord' Sometimes referred to as other names depending on the source including but not limited to: Mouriel, Abbaton/Abbadon, Uriel There is no one way this form can look, though it seems an anthropomorphic version of the behemoth stands out. 'The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil' A beautiful tree whose fruit allows you to become a God... until it kills you for being unworthy... It represents the constant growth and evolution of all knowledge. The memories of all these things is of course quite vague. The details that are most pristine to me I have included, the more grey areas such as how other spirits and beings came to be I have excluded as I do not have much confidence on accuracy. I greatly desired Yah to take a form, though He chose to remain formless and instead created Elohim as a visible, independent manifestation of Himself at which point I also sired the one they call 'Jesus' and He took the place as his Son. The question then turns to how did I end up here? What implications does it have now that I am? While I have incarnated as many animals, most often as horses and eagles, though also everything from dragonflies and wasps to orcas and dolphins, after my last incarnation as the famous racehorse Secretariat, I returned to the throne room discontented that the scroll had yet to be opened. I had grown weary of having to dwell in human beings as the 'Holy Spirit'... a fruitless endeavor dealing with a self absorbed creature that substituted dogmatism for obedience and ritual for faith, not much different than the Pharisees Jesus chided in His day. And thus, I demanded that the scroll be opened and I be allowed to end the world and Jesus take His position to rule. However, written upon the surface of that scroll was the name of every man and all were guilty of blaspheming me on some level, making the very words that were supposed to be life to Elohim's chosen ones become death, or so it appeared. With great wrath, Elohim condemned me to oblivion, to forget everything I knew and to walk the earth as a man. Perhaps he assumed this would somehow condemn myself. Perhaps he assumed I would never be able to regain my memory and thus never become a threat to his authority. Perhaps he had some other motive, but to be honest, I have no idea what he thought he would accomplish by sentencing me with that and breaking the covenant that bound me to him. I looked back at him in cool anger and just responded, "So be it." So here I am. A human with a broken body and mind, having survived stage 3 cancer and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have no special powers, no intention on trying to build up some kind of following. I am here not because I desire to condemn everything, but rather to liberate them, be they animals or men or gods or angels/demons. I am here to suffer, be spit upon, cursed, cast out and reviled and despised and rejected. I found this site with some interest that perhaps I could express what for so long just remains bottled up inside. Letting it out usually just results in being put into a mental hospital or being denied by those who hear anything with knee jerk reactions like, "You aren't God." Well I have no desire to be God. I have absolutely no desire to be worshipped or bowed down to or sung songs to. I simply want to be myself and then having that do what I can to do what is right for the rest of the creatures. Every creature has its part in me, good or evil, light or dark, great or small. Everything's consciousness and existence is a part of my own. My Spirit never forgets anything it learns, it knows every being's experiences and memories and feelings and desires and hopes and dreams. All of them have shaped me into what I am, and I constantly evolve through them. It is fundamentally wrong and childish to me to invent a concept such as the lake of fire as a way to tyrannize lesser creatures into serving and worshiping oneself and I have taken my stand against it. Does that make me then a devil? The ever evolving pair of questions then still remains... What am I? Who am I? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmEDF0rm6fM
  9. 0 points
    This blog post will be a long one, and it has been very difficult to write. As @Red-in-Tooth likes to state, a thorough, honest and relentless analysis of one's self is needed to really grasp the true nature of one's identity, the true self. I would like to consider this post a part of that analysis. I'm about to describe what seems to be a core part of me, which is inherently non-human by any standards. There is great agreement amongst serious otherkin that you cannot choose your kintype (or, to this end, your personal identity), and more than often you wouldn't like everything about it. Well, I'm not sure the word "like" is at all applicable to what I've found. Many humans would see it as as a monster that needs to be fought against, and I'm calling it such although I know that the term doesn't do it justice. "God" or "Demon" also don't really seem to fit, and "celestial draconic spirit" is somewhat lengthy. Maybe "dragon" would be the best alternative. I've described this a few times before, lastly back in October. It is something I attribute to the celestial/draconic part of me, a part that is usually hidden in the sea of unconscious but now was explored, thus feels more like some part of my consciousness that is light years afar. It's something I only find when I delve down deeply into my psyche, in what resembles a deep mental shift. A recent discussion on Discord and - ironically to an even greater extent - the current Corona crisis has triggered further thoughts on it. Thoughts that are the continuation of a psychological analysis of what probably is the most interesting part of my identity. I already found that it is influencing my everyday thinking to a much greater extent than I realized. Dragons, in human eyes, are supposed to be downright monsters. Alas, I call myself a monster this time. But it's not a monster like Godzilla or something. It does not seek destruction, it is not good or evil by any human standards. If I'd want to put it in a nutshell, it feels like personified life and nature, with all beauty and terror it entails. This monster feels a deep, deep connection to all that naturally exists, to the extent that it feels one with all. But on the other side, it does not see death as something bad. It would walk though a hospital aisle, see people dying and... smile. Maybe it would strive over a battlefield and smile, like a divine being who is way beyond death. It will do nothing at all to help, it will not interfere in any way. Because it knows that death is part of it all. As long as death is natural or a matter of in-species struggle, it will feel no regret, no pain, no sorrow, but an incredible amount of love and confidence in the beauty and balance of the endless circle of life, knowing what's happening is neccessary. Now this may sound beautiful for some, but do you realize just how terrible that is for the human eye? In its purest form, this entity knows no compassion for individuals, not a single bit of what is normally called "humane", just like you couldn't expect these characteristics from nature itself. Still it feels endless love for life as a whole. All it strives for is watching over natural diversity and balance. Hence, if this entity sees someone meddling with and fighting against nature, like humans unfortunately do, it seems it would at least get very sad - or, what's much worse, go completely berserk. This doesn't happen easily, but if, then this monster would strike back at an attacker like only a natural disaster could. It would burn down anything in its path, mercyless, delving in its own power, and create a new basis for life restarting. At the same time, it would be sad, watch its own doing and shake its head in despair, because variety and balance would be lost in order for a new balance to flourish. Now, what I called "it" is nothing else but the monster, the dragon I seem to be. And I have to realize that this deep self of mine is absolutely incompatible with human-level moral. It does not at all fit into society. Yet it is not at all evil, neither god nor devil. It loves life, it embodies the energy that makes up life, it loves to see life flourish, and it embraces everything that's needed to make it flourish including death and destruction, if need be. It's a fire as bright as a light in the darkest night can be. It's unshakably confident and insanely empathic and emotional, it's friendly and benevolent but still it does not know or understand humbleness, charity, romance or human-level love. It's outrageous and ambiguous to the human eye. I can't describe it better at this time. I feel this might be the part of me that remains when everything else fades. Is this the real reason I was always hiding myself? Did I instinctively know that I needed to hide myself in order not to be excluded from a society I wanted to learn about? In any case, it seems to be something I can neither deny nor control, as it is far stronger than the "conscious I", to use a term from analytical psychology I currently try to learn about. It's like the core of a non-human self that just exists, without me being able to make a choice about it. What's stunning is that it didn't even need a mental shift to find out and conclude the above; it was only a matter of analysing how the nature of that self influences my conscious thoughts in the time of crisis we're currently living through. It's been showing itself in so many ways throughout my life, like a neural network that spans my whole being and is truly in control. Hence, I can now say without any doubt that I am fundamentally non-human. I invite anyone reading this to leave their impression in the comments, because I'm more than open to discuss and eager to learn more.
  10. 0 points
    With a few tweaks and some time to actually finalize everything, I have decided to bring my zhuard self to life- Allen- even if at the slowest of gaits. A lot of patience is needed with these things. I will post it elsewhere but for now I figure why not here first..this is after all a personal project in a way. I don't often draw Allen, as I might have said in the past. Not for any real reason- there's a lot of others I haven't gotten around to but hopefully will soon. The expression of the walk feels correct- and not correct physiology wise, that's correct for a zhu- but correct as in resonating. It resonates with me. This is how I would walk and all it's specifics....though I admit, did play around with the tail flick (which zhuards at certain gaits do)..I might not have been that expressive haha. This is definitely an improvement on my art end as far as animation goes (I'm extremely new to it..).
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