Charias

Charias

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  • Charias
    Agh, I just encountered someone who sounds like they might be otherkin, and I kinda want to tell them that, but also I don't want to scare them off... sucks that the community has such a bad rep these days that I actually worry about that. :'/

    Coyote
    Coyote
    I think it would be a good and possibly enlightening idea? 

    Charias
    Right, it's been a month and the feelings (though still kinda ambiguous) are still there, so I'm giving this a try: hello, I for some reason identify as a nimravid. I'm a nimravid. I'm a weird toothy non-cat. I'm an extinct feliform. I am saying all these things to see whether it feels weird or not, and so far it doesn't. We'll see how this plays out!

    Charias
    I am so mad... I just wrote up a big detailed reply to my anthropocentrism thread, clicked "submit", and... boom, whole thing disappeared beyond the first couple paragraphs, and nothing was submitted to the thread. Wow. Now I just want to never write anything again. That's one hour down the drain, I guess. :'/

    Edit: I should probably report this as a bug >.>

    CopperCoyote
    CopperCoyote
    Don't worry bro.  I've been there.  And yeah, it kind of sucks.  

    Whatever you were trying to write, I recommend writing it on a word doc the second time around and then just copy and paste it.  That way you can actually save you progress.

    Charias
    Okay so. One of the things that kinda jarred with me about the idea of being a feline (without me consciously realising it) is that my "feline" front limbs feel plantigrade... I remember a few times thinking my forelimbs were "bear-like" because of this (this was years ago, when I pinned these extraneous shifts on my spirit kintype being weird and ambiguous). And there are no true felines that walk plantigrade. 

    But! Nimravids! They do! And their legs are short and stocky like mine, with semi-retractible claws which makes sense since I could never figure out if they could retract or not! They have long canines that match the ones I felt while meditating today, and a bunch of different species are described as being "leopard-like" and filling a similar niche to leopards. And the dirk-toothed variants probably hunted with the exact same kind of ambush tactics I had associated with my "feline" theriotype. Also! Unlike smilodon and the like, some Nimravids had long-ish tails like mine is!

    Sadly there's not much info available on them, especially when it comes to specific species. But I'm gonna keep at the research and see what I find. I mean, I'm not anywhere near sure of anything, and I have absolutely no idea why I might identify as some random prehistoric not-cat, but. This is really cool and I'm excited to learn more about them. 😄 

    Amber
    Amber
    It's so cool to see how you pinpoint this, Rook! I hope you find what you search for!

    Charias
    The idea of "confirming" kintypes is so strange to me. How would one "confirm" a kintype? Hell, I've identified as a wolf for literal years and it's an integral part of myself, but that doesn't stop me sometimes wondering if I really am a wolf (the doubts don't last long, but... with no objective way to know for sure, it seems natural to occasionally stop and wonder if I am what I think I am). I wouldn't say I'd "confirmed" any of my kintypes, because that implies that I've found some way to objectively verify them, right? And I haven't.

    What does "confirming" even mean in this context? How would one "confirm" their non-physical identity? (Rhetorical question, but. At the same time I'd be interested to know how people who have "confirmed" a kintype actually went about that).

    Amber
    Amber
    Hm.. isn't there a difference between "confirmation" and "proof"? If I remember my physics classes correctly, there're many physical theories which are confirmed by observations, but not finally proven. Take e.g. the existence of dark matter or the human-made climate change.

    Charias
    Hmm... now I get to thinking about it, I feel really fortunate that my spirit kintype is so closely associated with the Earth. I mean, it makes everything I experience sound a lot more outlandish, but. I have science on my side! I can actually look at all the physical evidence of the history of our planet, and from that understand where I fit into things. And it's. Really amazing. I never stopped to appreciate that before. And that I can peer back into the past through all the fossils we've found and see all the forms of life that called our beautiful planet home so long ago. Science is so cool.

    And also... I get to know that no matter where I go, as long as I don't go off into space or something, I'm home. This whole planet is my home. Even though I'm not familiar with all the different environments and ecosystems, it's still the same Earth. It's still home.

    It must be tough to have a kintype from somewhere else.  :Frown:

    But hey, at least you get to chill on my awesome planet for a lifetime.👌

    Charias
    Sometimes I just feel... nearly overwhelmed by this sense of not belonging here, but I don't know what "here" means and I don't know where I do belong, if anywhere. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing something, but I don't know what, or why, or how. Sometimes I miss the worst times of my life, because at least then I had something to fight.

    Charias
    Sometimes I feel like the main reason I stick around 'kin communities is like... "hi I'm Rook and I'm here to disagree with you!" And I'm reflecting on this now because I feel like I disagree with the majority of people on TG (there's exceptions, of course). And when I disagree with someone's opinion, I tell them I think they're wrong! Of course! But like. There's no malice in my disagreement. I don't feel mad when I think someone's wrong. Doesn't stop me pointing out that I think they're wrong. How else are we supposed to learn?

    But... this is not how to make friends. I am well aware of that.

    (This attitude isn't specific to 'kin stuff, but I tend to disagree with people about 'kin stuff more than I disagree with people about other topics. Usually. Excluding politics, but like. Who doesn't disagree with literally everyone about politics. Pfft.)

    Charias
    why am, i suddenly fronting! i didnt ask for this!! send help

    aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA :V

    (we're not!! very good at the fronting control thing yet!! better than we used to be but! dsakl;kd;l;ldl;akds;akd)

    im not even sure why im still on km im not even otherkin why am i posting here,, welp hey, y'all cool, whats happenin

    Nope, okay, I fixed it. Khar I stg you better not have posted any dumb shit. 

    :V im innocent

    Charias
    Charias
    in other news why is :V such a mood

    Charias
    Wow, TG's forums make me feel really combative and I have no idea why. This is weird. 😕

    Charias
    Charias
    Yeah, something about the community there... but I can't put my finger on what.

    Charias
    Just reflecting on the fact that when I was younger I used to be so secretive about all my identity weirdness (even on kin sites tbh) and now I'm just like. Yeah I'll just use my real name and the same damn username I use all over the place because why not. I doubt the peeps who know me irl would even be surprised about all this at this point. xD

    Kerguelen
    Kerguelen
    I'm with you on the "same damn username" thing. I'm always Kerguelen. Except when I'm not, but usually I am.

    Charias
    I feel like I've lost touch with my spirit kintype over the past year. It's still there, obviously, but I'm finding it harder to connect with that part of myself. I... never thought I'd actually want to connect with it, but it feels weird being so out of tune with it, y'know? So I'm gonna start doing what I used to do and meditate on it before I sleep. Hopefully that helps.

    Amber
    Amber
    You won't believe it... I'm trying the same way :biggrinderg:
    But most of the time, I'm listening to some sound while meditating. I'm currently using wind going through trees. That prevents me from falling asleep, but it can also be a bit annoying. Also, it should be possible to turn the meditation into a wake-induced lucid dream if you do it after 5-6 hours of sleep. But I didn't manage that so far. I'm still getting way too excited when a dream gets lucid.

    Charias
    Sometimes I feel like I should tell the mental health folks I see about my... well, our plurality. But then I'm just worried it'd get treated as some part of my illness, or otherwise misunderstood in some way. I think that's less a reflection of my feelings towards plurality, and more a lack of trust towards the doctors/nurses I see... oof. It is relevant though because we can't really control who'#s fronting and,, like we both kinda have issues but they're different!! like,, I don't have depression at all!! plus theres all the times we BOTH zone out and then theres just the bloody autopilot who is an idiot rip

    Amber
    Amber
    Hm... I see. Totally agree about the autopilot; also mine can't do complex things / conversations. OK, then let me think into this a bit.. if I'd be plural, I'd obviously try to "team up" with my other self(s) in order create an advantage. The two of you seem to have very different personalities, but they also seem complementary.

    Now, this really reminds me of a training book from the Austrian climber Jürgen Reiss, who is one of my few role models. It hasn't got to do with plurality, hence I don't know if it can be compared with your situation at all... However, Jürgen also does mental training. He generally describes that he intentionally splits his own personality into different sub-personalities and gives them names ("Mr. Business", "Inner couch potato", ..). Then, he gives them responsibilities which positively support his goal of becoming better as a climber; for example, the "inner couch potato" would be responsible for regeneration. He also describes inner discussions between the sub-personalities, but there is always a moderator or "king", as he calls it. I understand that plurality is a totally different thing - especially the "king" is obviously missing in your system. I just think Jürgen gives a good example that "multiple inner personalities" can be useful - if there is a common goal, that is.

    The anxiety problem is of course nasty if it causes both of you to zone out at the same time. I tend to think it could be solved independent from the fronting/plurality issue, though. Maybe the two of you would need different means of handling it? I guess I'd probably also try to get this treatment without telling the doctors about the plurality... unless maybe I knew that the specific doctor would have experience with plurals and understand that it's definitely not part of the illness. May just be a matter of finding the right therapist, then... frankly, that's always the problem.

    Charias
    aw hell yea guess whos UP FRONT + READY TO ROCk (jk im mostly ready to goof off and be awkward, thats my only thing./ yeet lads imma go add some more shit to rooks playlist one day i stg im gonna slip despacito in there and they wont even know,, I WILL FIND A WAY TO KEEP IT SECRET wait shit i played myself by postying this didnt i,, who am i kidding i couldnt keep a secret for the lkife of me

    Charias
    After procrastinating about it for way too long, I've finally started writing this one Library article I've had in my head for ages - covering some common difficulties with questioning kintypes and advice to help tackle them (👀 @ confirmation bias... oof). Because. Why the hell not. Let's hope this doesn't take me a year to write,, rip

    Charias
    Charias
    I just realised my procrastination kinda paid off, because otherwise I might've ended up writing the article on the old KM, then it would've poofed and I would've cried. (I WILL be saving backups. SO MANY BACKUPS.)

    Charias
    Aghh why do my ph-shifts have to be so weird-- like, partial wolf, okay, fine! Even with the wolf feet! Awkward but fine! But then spirit kintype's like "nope, too mundane" and now I have fricking some kind of limbs sticking awkwardly out of my back and I have no idea what they are and at this point I don't even want to know,,

    Why, why do I gotta be this way.

    Charias
    Sometimes it takes a shadow

    Blocking out the light

    To finally recognise

    The beauty of the night

    Charias
    Morality struggle: I can't figure out if I'm a good person who's deluded into thinking they're bad, or a bad person who's desperately trying to be good. I do know that I'm hard to like. I mostly think, though, that I'm just lost and confused and trying to find a path that works for all of me and all of everyone else too. (Which is awkward when part of me is an animal and part is an angry death spirit but eh, I'll probably maybe figure it out).

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