Onidani

Being human hurts me. Identify myself with such bad creatures hurts me... but it is the truth. I’m a human. And it’s awful. 

I lost my ego. All the self esteem I was trying to build. Gone. I’m now nothing and nobody...

I crossed the path of a divinity called Fudou Myou-ou also know as Acala, a dharmapâla. I feel irresistibly attracted by this god. I want to know more, and maybe revere him. Don't know exactly how tho. I want to learn.

Drinking sake, smoking the electronic pipe, browsing the web to buy (training !) weapons... Truly the contemporary oni way of life.

Last day of Nanowrimo. I didn't attain my goal, but it was fun nonetheless. Obviously I will finish my story !

Succeeded to write today, and finish a mini-chapter. 

My cold drives me crazy, and my throat hurts, and I just want to cry myself to sleep... but I cannot give up.

Got a terrifiying experience lately. I had a panic attack while somehow half-asleep. I don't know if it was a dream or a case of sleep paralysis. In any case, semi-conciously or not consciously at all, I was freaking out. I suffered and wanted to call my partner, sleeping besides me, for help. I wanted to shout as loud as possible. Then, at the moment I thought I was screaming, I woke up. I wasn't screaming and I did't do so while asleep. 

Very unsettling experience. Dying must feel like that...

I feel close to Buddhism, even though I don't know much about it. Maybe it is due to my nature of oni-like creature. Oni are somewhat related to other beings from Hinduism and Buddhism, like Rakshasa for example, and also exist as minions of the Yama (or Enma-Daiou in Japanese), namely the king of Hell. I find this very interesting, and I am attracted by Buddhism like moths are to lamps. I think I'll read more books on this subject, hoping that I will not burn my wings going too close to luminous sacred stuff that can be hurtful to me... as I'm a creature of darkness.

I feel really strange today. Kinda derealized... I don't know what's happening.

Feeling very oni-ish these days.

You know, I am not a very good person. I can even be kinda evil sometimes.

Until recently, I tried to do as much good as possible around me. I even became somewhat of an activist. Then I reached a kind of limit. My depression became really bad and to survive I needed to protect my ego. So I accepted to be less good. Now I'm ok with this. I accepted to have a bigger ego and be a bad youkai girl and not some sort of saint.

Still, sometimes I can't help but be a good person. I see someone suffuring and... I help them naturally. It feels so strange when it happens and I'm like : "Why am I doing this ? Tch ! What a pain in my ass !" But I do it anyway.

I'm the kind of person who claims hating children and dogs, but will be all "AAAW" when they have one in front of them.

I feel so angry today ! To (almost) everything and everyone !

Writing will be hard.

I need two things to write : caffeine and sugar. And you know... it's the Nanowrimo. At the end of the month, I will be one fat youkai.

I see there is a Discord for Kinmunity. I admit being still too intimidated to go there. There are way more people in there, too.

Ok, time to write. It's already late, but I. must. write.

Fortunately enough, I really love writing. I'm just a little slow.

I am really happy that I began to be a writer. I thought I don't like doing anything, but it is actually not true.

My existence as a youkai is a pretty lonely one. To be honest, I don't think the Otherkin community suits me, because... I may be even too strange and puzzling for otherkin people.

Fortunately, I'm not all alone. I have human partners to speak to (and to cuddle !) and they don't make fun of me whatsoever when I speak about who I am. I often say that I don't like humans, but that's really not true.

Still, as a youkai, I'm just very lonely, with no peers to be with. I'm just one of a kind... Maybe it is part of my nature as a somewhat shut-in spirit.

H-henlo !