I crossed the path of a divinity called Fudou Myou-ou also know as Acala, a dharmapâla. I feel irresistibly attracted by this god. I want to know more, and maybe revere him. Don't know exactly how tho. I want to learn.
Got a terrifiying experience lately. I had a panic attack while somehow half-asleep. I don't know if it was a dream or a case of sleep paralysis. In any case, semi-conciously or not consciously at all, I was freaking out. I suffered and wanted to call my partner, sleeping besides me, for help. I wanted to shout as loud as possible. Then, at the moment I thought I was screaming, I woke up. I wasn't screaming and I did't do so while asleep.
Very unsettling experience. Dying must feel like that...
I feel close to Buddhism, even though I don't know much about it. Maybe it is due to my nature of oni-like creature. Oni are somewhat related to other beings from Hinduism and Buddhism, like Rakshasa for example, and also exist as minions of the Yama (or Enma-Daiou in Japanese), namely the king of Hell. I find this very interesting, and I am attracted by Buddhism like moths are to lamps. I think I'll read more books on this subject, hoping that I will not burn my wings going too close to luminous sacred stuff that can be hurtful to me... as I'm a creature of darkness.
You know, I am not a very good person. I can even be kinda evil sometimes.
Until recently, I tried to do as much good as possible around me. I even became somewhat of an activist. Then I reached a kind of limit. My depression became really bad and to survive I needed to protect my ego. So I accepted to be less good. Now I'm ok with this. I accepted to have a bigger ego and be a bad youkai girl and not some sort of saint.
Still, sometimes I can't help but be a good person. I see someone suffuring and... I help them naturally. It feels so strange when it happens and I'm like : "Why am I doing this ? Tch ! What a pain in my ass !" But I do it anyway.
I'm the kind of person who claims hating children and dogs, but will be all "AAAW" when they have one in front of them.
My existence as a youkai is a pretty lonely one. To be honest, I don't think the Otherkin community suits me, because... I may be even too strange and puzzling for otherkin people.
Fortunately, I'm not all alone. I have human partners to speak to (and to cuddle !) and they don't make fun of me whatsoever when I speak about who I am. I often say that I don't like humans, but that's really not true.
Still, as a youkai, I'm just very lonely, with no peers to be with. I'm just one of a kind... Maybe it is part of my nature as a somewhat shut-in spirit.