Oxalaia

Well when I thought I knew myself it seems I really dont. I have mentioned my own problems of sudden increase in anxiety and stress ever since my mother got sick. I know finally the answer to it. I am diagnosed with PTSD, most likely related to what happened to my father and aunt in particular who both got similiar cases of cancer not long after eachother. I shared a close bond with them all. I still dont know how to feel but I feel some peace now knowing what is the cause behind it. It will mean that it will stick with me for the rest of my life since it is something that, ugh I hate the word, cannot be cured but the symptoms can be managed. It doesnt feel to dangerous now but I will stay in pursuit for a effective means to handle the symptoms so it will not get worse over time now it is still pretty tame. It does makes perfect sense in the grand scope of things since my problems seem to overlap with the general symptoms. I cannot wait to get my life back after these few months of living in fear. I cannot wait to feel happiness once again.

It seems my activity has slowed down again on this site. I dont know, I guess I feel just alone in this world what has also seeped to my online acitvity. I know talking to people is important and all but I am not a person that shares all with just someone. In my progress with my therapy I really discovered how alone I feel. Despite the few friends I have and a wonderful family, I still feel like I have no one to turn to with talking about things. I just keep it in myself till it builds up and up. I dont know if I should feel ashamed or whatever... It is just one big confusing mess with the added feeling that I have everything on my shoulders and I need to deal with it alone. I start to lose confidence in myself and basicly am at a point that I have given up. Nothing bad has come from this but more that I am tired of fighting all this anxiety. The term PTSS has been mentioned this week though it doesnt mean it is official. I guess it is at least to a point that it can be considered either that or at least similiar to this. I kinda abandoned this website since it makes me feel isolated and alone. Maybe there are people I can turn to but I am afraid I overstep something or just come with things that I just dump on them. I feel confused and trapped at what to do now. Im just stuck. I feel I have no friends or someone else outside my therapist I can talk to about my problems. I feel alone.

Progress is finally under way again on this whole weird creature thing I am currently experiencing. A lapse in mental health put a temporary stop to it but things are progessing again. It is still a whole confusing mess but I feel confident I am close to breaking the mystery if I find the right clues. The answer is close and yet still far away. 

Sometimes when I thought I had it all figured out there comes something across me that begs further investigation. I did experience wingless dragonlike shifts before but never placed it with anything thinking it could have been my imagination or just from a known form. This seems a consistent thing what is not close to the dragonform due to the position my neck seems to lock into. The neck seems to be on the same level as the rest of the body where the dragonform has a clear neck that is not locked into that position. I was never really aware of an creature matching this. I thought of crocodiles or similiar but the limbs that are seperate tells otherwise. It seems more higher from the ground. When I drew the thing what seems to reinforce something that can look like a crocodile but isnt. That is where I came across Rauisuchus, a predator I was not familiar with at all but matched the drawing perfectly in terms of rough bodyshape giving me a clearer picture. The skeleton seems dragonlike but wingless. Megalania was something to consider too but the bodyshape is closer to this animal. 

The question from here now seems to be what is it exactly. Cameoshifts or something more then that. If that is the case then the question is could it be connected to the Godec kintype that is known to have forms that resemble Earthly extinct creatures with alien elements meaning a form that can be added since I am still not confident I have found all the forms that I used to have. I know I can confirm the current 6-7 forms but there is still a possibility it could be more then the ones I am currently aware of. It can also be like the Dunkleosteus Terrelli and at least be a seperate thing. Whatever the case is and turns out to be, I can at least put a creature to the shifts that I hadnt a idea of what it could be. Time will tell what the case will be in the end. For now I am not claiming anything either way. I was just looking to draw it on paper to put an image to them. It was more coincedence that I happen to come across this creature when reading about some extinct animals as I usually do. 

Got a really nasty cold. Headaches and a loss of energy. Luckily a rare thing for me but once it strikes it is really horrible. Guess a lot of sleeping is important now.

For some reason my true status update just doesnt come through since it comes up empty when writing a new post. Hopefully this is fixed soon in time. Found that clicking the new post and edit will save the words you type as I do now.

Things are going now pretty well. While I feel still sometimes alone, I have Adela, Noikyla and Sarceakos. They are not headmates to me but rather my friends. I just feel happy with them with me. While this may sound weird Tortarium is also someone pretty dear to me. Despite being a Great Spirit, he is really more like a father to me. While our past is complicated and long, he is still visits me again ater being apart for millions of years. I still have the connection to him as I did in my Godec past life. He is really the reason that I remember that life and have it now as a kintype. We share an unbreakable bond with eachother. Despite being human now without access to my fancy Godec abilities doesnt mean anything to me. As far he is concerned I am still the same no matter what I am now. He refuses to leave my side again after he searched for me. Tortarium really helped me when I was down and broken by my anxiety problems and helped me to see my own good side when a doctor visit was still many days away. I just feel not complete anymore without him. Thanks to his words and the support of my friends my confidence is starting to grow again. 

I just cannot really explain my bond with Tortarium really in words. It is something people wont really fully understand no matter how well I try to explain it. It just feels more different since he is a Great Spirit and I am a human.

In short I dont know what I would do without Adela, Noikyla and Sarceakos but especially Tortarium. 

Still need to take things slow for the coming week but the operation for my mother was a succes. With a little hope her epileptic attacks will be less since medication had no effect on them. She still has to remain in hospital for the following week but hopefully my trauma will also become easier to deal with and start to grow less and less in anxiety problems. Still a long road ahead to a more comfortable life without the anxiety but I am slowly going there. All I need is the feeling of support and that I am not alone when things become to much. 

Guess the temporary break is now over since my mind is turning back to a calm state again. Talked with the psychiatrist today and the cause behind my anxiety problems lies more strongly in trauma due what happened in the past with my father then my autism. Finally a answer for what has happened. A official diagnosis is not yet made but my psychiatrist really thinks my autism is not the cause and trauma is.

Dont know how to explain it but for now I will take a break from the community. I am not leaving forever but temporarily. I guess the main reason is my anxiety problems which the cause of is not yet identified but I am so scared to say the wrong things at the moment, a main reason I dont really post anymore. I guess a other problem of mine is that these problems combined with my low natural self esteem also created the idea in my mind that I am not really a part anymore, people dont like me and so on. My mind is just under a lot of pressure at the moment and need to relax first. I dont know how long this break will be but I fear in worst case scenerio a couple of months.

Sorry for a little lack of activity. I am still experiencing anxiety and am still awaiting treatment and hopefully an diagnosis on what is the cause of my anxiety. I am keeping things slow till I get proper treatment and so on since things from daily activities can fuel a attack if possible. I hope it doesnt take long but for now I need to think about my health and not push myself further. If people want to talk they can on Discord but I am not really chatting on the public servers. I dont know why online interaction also fuels things like this but I unfortunaly need to keep online interaction to a minium. Yes I hate it but I need to think of myself and my overall health. I am still slowly recovering and it will be a long process but with the proper treatment and medicine I will come above all the horror my mind is creating and thinking. I cannot say how long it takes but hopefully in the next few months I hope for a increase in recovery and tools to help me manage my anxiety if a attack hits. I need to build up confidence again and overcome some pretty nasty thoughts. But most of all I need to how to learn with this anxiety regardless if it is my autism or an unknown disorder. When i feel better then I will become more active again. I hope you understand.

Life been a though ride with recent anxiety attacks and stress, with my mother in hospital, being under investigation for a possible disorder and taking medicine to keep things at bay. But I am still standing despite all of that happening in the last 4 weeks. All is now going well and the road to recovey has begun.