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Charias

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Charias last won the day on August 1

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About Charias

  • Rank
    Wandering Wolf

Personal Information

  • Gender Identity
    Other
  • Gender Expression
    Neutral
  • Preferred Pronouns
    They/them or he/him
  • Sexuality
    Asexual
  • Antisexuality
    No
  • Interests
    Most animals (especially dogs, reptiles and invertebrates), anything sci-fi or fantasy, travelling, photography, digital art, writing, worldbuilding
  • Hobbies
    Playing video games, browsing the internet, looking after my pets, researching random crap
  • Favorite Games & Video Games
    Flight Rising, Fallout 3, NV and 4, Skyrim, Elder Scrolls Online, Assassin's Creed, Red Dead Redemption, Minecraft, Subnautica, and a bunch of other stuff too
  • Favorite Sports & Teams
    Is sitting a sport?
  • Religion
    Spiritual agnostic
  • Personal Spirituality
    I'm an open-minded philosophical solipsist with an interest in witchcraft and paganism, though I don't currently practice either. My spiritual beliefs are based entirely on my own experiences; I have memories of former lives, so I believe quite firmly in reincarnation. I don't believe in any omnipotent creator deity, but I have a loose belief in lesser godlike entities. I'm also open to the idea of alternate planes, and the existence of mythical creatures on a non-physical level.

Other-than-human Identity

  • I am...
    an otherkin
    a therianthrope
    a plural system
  • Primary Identity
    Polykin
  • Other names
    Rook, Turukhan

Otherkin Identity

  • Kintype(s)
    Eurasian wolf, guardian/nature spirit, questioning amur leopard
  • Kintype(s) Description
    Wolf: yellowish-brown female with yellow eyes, approximately 5 or 6 years old; probably about the least majestic wolf you'll ever have the misfortune to meet.

    Spirit: shard of a four-billion-year-old sentient mass of energy in the form of a many-limbed, insectoid dragon.
  • Time of Awakening
    Mid 2012
  • Personal Otherkin Experiences
    Really, there's a lot I could say here. It's easier to just write it in blogs and stuff. I'm happy enough to answer questions and whatnot, too! In regards to my experience with the otherkin community: I've been part of it for about four years now, but have spent a lot of time lurking or hovering on the periphery. I'd say I'm quite knowledgeable when it comes to 'kin stuff, since I took a very strong interest in it in the first year after I awakened. These days, I'm mostly just here to help folks and try to find a balance between my human and non-human aspects.
  • Personal Awakening
    Long story short is, I was walking along one day when I realised I wasn't human. A few coincidences later, I found out that otherkin were a thing and I wasn't completely crazy, and I've been hanging around the community ever since.
  • Body Dysphoria
    Yes

Otherkin Shifting Frequency

  • Mental Shifting
    My kintype integrated to my base personality
  • Dream Shifting
    I experience it few times a month
  • Phantom Shifting
    I experience it some times a week
  • Aura Shifting
    It's constant
  • Sensory Shifting
    I experience it few times a year
  • Astral Shifting
    I don't experience it
  • Bi-Location Shifting
    I don't experience it
  • Cameo Shifting
    I experience it few times a month

Otherkin Shifting Duration

  • Mental Shifting
    It lasts for more than some hours
  • Dream Shifting
    It lasts few hours
  • Phantom Shifting
    It lasts for more than some hours
  • Sensory Shifting
    It lasts a hour
  • Astral Shifting
    I don't experience it
  • Bi-Location Shifting
    I don't experience it
  • Cameo Shifting
    It lasts for more than some hours

Otherkin Shifting Triggers

  • Mental Shifting
    voluntary
    emotionally-provoked
    external stimuli-provoked
    unprovoked involuntary
  • Dream Shifting
    unprovoked involuntary
  • Phantom Shifting
    voluntary
    emotionally-provoked
    external stimuli-provoked
  • Sensory Shifting
    external stimuli-provoked
    unprovoked involuntary
  • Cameo Shifting
    voluntary
    external stimuli-provoked
    unprovoked involuntary

Otherkin Shifting Experiences

  • Mental Shifting
    It affects my voluntary responses to stimuli
    It affects my involuntary responses to stimuli
    I make noises that similar to the ones my kintype makes
    I become unable to understand what people say
    It affects how I use my limbs
    I become unable to speak
    It affects my posture
  • Dream Shifting
    I experience this during the night
  • Phantom Shifting
    I experience the sense of heat in my phantom limbs
    I experience the sense of pain in my phantom limbs
  • Aura Shifting
    No one said they saw my aura changing the way I saw while I was shifted
  • Sensory Shifting
    It affects my sense of smell
    It affects my sense of hearing
    I get extra senses
  • Sensory Shifting
    I know I'm sensory shifted even while shifted
  • Cameo Shifting
    My cameos are on the kintypes I am considering to be
    My cameos are connected to my heart-types
    My cameos are connected to my totems
    My cameos are completely random

Other-Hearted Identity

  • Kith
    Emperor scorpion, Gurt dog, daedra (Elder Scrolls)

Plural System Identity

  • System type
    Host of tulpae
  • My headmates are result of...
    Created thoughtforms
    Other (psychological)
  • Are members named?
    There's at least one one that it was given them a name
  • Member count
    1 (only me)(singlet)
  • About each member
    Rook - me. The one who's been typing all this stuff.

    Akarthyx - my daemon. Tends to be pragmatic, sceptical and logical, but is pretty fun and impulsive too. Makes bad jokes and uses really weird metaphors that usually trail off into complete nonsense. Likes messing around, overusing memes and Mexican food as long as it isn't too spicy. Currently takes the form of a Eurasian otter, striped hyena, or small, feathered wyvern.

    Aeolus - mostly dormant natural tulpa/fictive, who stems from a character I made a few years ago and probably came about due to stress. He is a mirror dragon from the game Flight Rising and has memories of living in a world similar to that one, but doesn't believe they have any spiritual truth to them and doesn't really care either way. He's 15-ish but mature for his age, and really enjoys learning about human culture and history. He's been hibernating for a while due to mutual concerns that my poor mental health was having an effect on him (he's still young, after all).

Vampire Identity

  • Vampirism
    Not a vampire

Recent Profile Visitors

627 profile views
  1. Sure is fun being able to feel other people's emotions //sarcasm

  2. This Big, Black Cavern

    It is now 4 in the morning, and I haven't got a wink of sleep. Been lying in bed for 2 hours. Watched an episode of Planet Earth II, which helped me relax, but I struggle to sleep with the light and noise. Turned it off, got comfortable... nope. No sleep. My body was tired, my brain was wide awake. Now, my body and my brain are wide awake. I've gave up on getting any sleep tonight. Would rather get stuff done than battle with my whirling thoughts. First time I've ever had an all-nighter thanks to insomnia. Usually I manage to get to sleep eventually. But this is just not working... so I'm going to tidy up my room a bit, eat the earliest breakfast I've ever had, and hope I can stay awake long enough to see Nyoka off to his new home. My prediction: I'm going to be drinking a lot of coffee today.
  3. This Big, Black Cavern

    Strange place, strange mind, strange life... My head's in a weird place right now. I'm still trying to recover from... what happened last Monday. It's not been easy to deal with. I'll be perfectly honest - I've been a complete wreck this past week. Swinging between feeling sad, angry and numb. A couple of days ago I had an appointment with my psychiatric nurse and talked some things out with her, and that made me feel better for a little while... but I'm still hurting. Bad. And now, it's 1 in the morning and I don't feel tired. Yesterday, I felt exhausted at 9. Now, I just feel restless and agitated and wrong. I've been a little on edge all day... and, confession time: I've been hallucinating a bit. It's something I've had issues with before. Pretty sure it's a combination of tiredness and anxiety. It's not like I'm seeing something vivid or prolonged... just movement in the corner of my eye, or a split-second impression of something drifting past my face. When I was playing on my Xbox earlier today I kept seeing a big spider crawling around on the pillow next to me. Checked the whole thing, there was nothing there. But I still kept seeing it. It is kinda funny though - I only ever hallucinate two things. Spiders, and crane flies. Since I'm not arachnophobic at all, I don't really mind the spiders. But I'm absolutely petrified of crane flies, so whenever I "see" one anywhere near me I panic. There was a time, about a year ago, when I had problems sleeping because sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and clearly see one flying around in front of me. So I'd yelp, leap out of bed and turn the light on... nothing there. Never anything there. It's ultimately a minor problem, though. It's a symptom of other things. Back then, it was my extremely unhealthy state of mind. Now, it's stress, anxiety, and negative emotions that I don't know how to deal with. So I've been trying to keep myself distracted, with varying amounts of success. I've played a lot of video games today, mostly cutesy stuff to help me relax. I did some drawing earlier, but ended up getting frustrated and gave up on it for the day. And, after a bit of casual internet browsing, I ended up on some website dedicated to debunking hoaxes and whatnot. It's an interesting site and I'll probably go check it out again at some point, but... well, scepticism is bad for my brain. Scepticism does not go well with my identity at all, and when I'm in a fragile state of mind like this, it can send me into a bit of an existential crisis. Cause, I mean. My past life memories and whatnot are as vivid to me as any memories from this life. So it's hard to question one without growing a creeping doubt of the other. Bleh. Can't deal with that shit right now. What else? Oh, uh, I'm rehoming one of my pets tomorrow. My snake, Nyoka. I've had him for four years, but I've finally got to the point where I just can't look after him anymore. Got my hands full with both my dogs, and he deserves an owner that'll actually appreciate him and give him more attention than I can (I know people think snakes don't like it, but I swear Nyoka perks right up when he's handled, and he gets a little down if nobody gets him out for a while). The person who's buying him seems really nice, too. And the money's going towards a replacement computer for me, since my laptop's falling apart (it's five/six years old now, heh) and it's kinda essential, since the internet is my only way to socialise right now. Plus, what would I do without this place? Probably implode or something. I'll miss him, but it's a load off my mind to know he'll be with someone who can look after him properly. I guess I feel a little better after airing this stuff out? Maybe? Welp. It's now 1:30. I feel slightly more tired, but I doubt I'll be able to get to sleep right now. Guess I'll go lie in bed and watch documentaries until I doze off or something. ...I just realised what my head right now makes me think of. It's like a big, black cavern, and I'm stood near a small light, and every mundane sound echoes and reverberates until it sounds like something terrifying in the dark. And I know it's just bats, or water dripping, or the sound of my own breathing, but that doesn't stop my heart from racing and it sure as hell doesn't stop me from looking over my shoulder every two seconds... just in case. Drip, drip, drip. Almost makes you wish it were a monster. At least then you'd have something to run from.
  4. The Let it All Out Thread

    Thanks, @Shezep. Everything actually turned out alright; she came home today after the doctors checked her out... it's still pretty rough, though. I don't know how to feel. Guess I'll just sleep it off for now.
  5. The Let it All Out Thread

    Shit, shit, shit... sorry, this is gonna get really personal really fast, but I need to vent or I'm gonna break down. Last night my mum tried to commit suicide. She took a lethal amount of painkillers and was rushed to the hospital at 6 in the morning. I'm at home looking after my little brother, and I have no idea what's going on. I tried to call my stepdad (who went with her) but there's no answer. I tried my mum's phone, same result. I have no idea what's going on. They have never turned their phones off while out, or anything. Usually when I call they pick up within 2 seconds. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone to call, nobody to talk to... I'm putting on a brave face for my brother's sake, but it's hard. I feel so alone. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't do this.
  6. The Let it All Out Thread

    aUUGGH I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE AnD I'M SCARED. I never talked to people before!! And suddenly out of the blue Rook's just like heck lets get this guy on here talking to people bc why the hell not... nonononononono... okay little lie its not like they forced me or anything, I didn't want to chicken out but I'm so nervous right now... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHYY. Auu I'm embarrassing myself oh gog. so heeeeeeey, this is me posting literally to say I don't kn ow what to post and I'm really shy n nervous for some reason. I DON'T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY. But yeah, the lead dweeb is right, just gotta take baby steps. haha maybe one day i'll be able to front and actually, like, TALK to people FOR REAL. That'd be cool... but for now I'm just sorta talking on here and I'm scared help. this is literally the longest thing i've ever written. I should proooobably write more often. get some practice with this whole thing. But this monologueing into the void is Rook's shtick, not mine... it's not even like I have anything to talk about!! I'm an imaginary brain dragon!! oh yeah, um, I'm Aeolus.a kinda tulpa-ish thing? maybe?? ehh labels. ok thats it I'm done writing for this whole year probably. nope nope nope.
  7. New Car, Old Road

    Spent a few days mulling it over, and I'm still not sure if I'm a leopard or not. I guess I really am in this for the long run. The fact that the feeling has survived a week is kinda making me wonder if there's something more to it. But that's not really what I'm here to write this blog about. Nope. Today, I'm going to write about... vaguely spiritual-ish stuff? Maybe a little paranormal? I don't have a huge amount to say about it really, except that for years I've wanted to try contacting some spirits or something - I'm not even exactly sure why I want to - and I don't have any idea how to go about it. Only thing I really know about is the ouija board. And yeah, yeah, I know those things come with a big warning sign saying "DON'T MESS WITH THIS", but to be perfectly honest, I don't care. I'm not scared of ghosts or demons - I just want to ask them some questions. And you hear all these horror stories about possession and whatnot, but I really don't think that'll be a problem considering I'm *already* a spirit prancing around in a human body. Besides that, though, I really don't know how I'd do this. It's probably not something I'd be able to do any time soon, since I don't have any resources for spells or the like. It's just something I'd like to try out when I have the means. I've even considered sticking together a little pagan shrine. I doubt there's any gods out there that could ever see me as a follower (and, for that matter, I don't think my spirit-self is humble enough for that... at all... even slightly...) but I might find someone willing to answer some questions for me. As for what I'd ask? That's a hard one... I kind of already know, but it's hard to word. I mean, the simplest way to put it would be... I want to know what I am. I know the identity stuff is internal, but if the spiritual side of this is real then I want to get "proof" of that. And if it is, I want to know what I am from a perspective other than my own. Because the unknown is scary, and trying to work this out alone is scary. Maybe it's a weird way to go about getting validation, but I think it's the only thing that'll do it for me. Once I have that answer, either way? Well, then I don't know. I can't even say whether I want this to all be real or fake. Sometimes I do hope that all this spirit stuff is just something conjured up by my broken brain. Maybe I'm really just a normal little soul hopping randomly between bodies like I used to think. I still believe my past life memories are real, and I always will - but just because some of it is real, doesn't mean all of it is. I just want to know either way. I know I'll never be 100% sure, but I'll still take whatever help I can get to point me one way or the other. And no matter what the spiritual truth of it is, my identity is what it is. Doesn't matter if it's all in my head. It's still what I am.
  8. I should be more active on here... bleh.

    1. Voffen

      Voffen

      I know that feeling :/ No need to rush though :3

  9. The Let it All Out Thread

    Aaaaand as it turns out, my dog just has curry poos and self-pity. xD We took him to the vet and they checked him over, he doesn't even have a fever! Pfft, he's such a pain in the butt. He's acting all pitiful and sad because he's got diarrhoea, and he has diarrhoea because he ate something he shouldn't have (probably cat poop). I'm soooo relieved.
  10. The Let it All Out Thread

    My dog's really sick and I'm so worried about him... I'm trying to hold it together but then it just seems to everyone like I don't care... I don't know what to do, we called the vets but we have hardly any money and we couldn't afford insurance for him... oh god I'm crying again... fuck...
  11. Mmh, so... not been feeling too great lately, but I'm okay right now. May as well do this while I'm feeling up to it! I mentioned in the daily 'kin thought thread that I was kinda tentatively questioning having another theriotype. The posts got eaten by that database error the other day, but I was meaning to make a blog post about it anyway! Just gonna note down the details, the whats and whys. I'm questioning that I might be an amur leopard therian. Most likely a suntherian or contherian, same as my wolf 'type. I came to that particular (sub)species after doing a bit of research on animals that match what I've experienced. Leopards in general match up pretty well, and amurs - so far - seem to work perfectly. No other felines have the same feeling of familiarity, nor do any other subspecies of leopard. But I only did some quick, general research; I plan on doing some more digging when I'm feeling a bit better. As for why I'm questioning, it's not a particular situation or experience I've had - it's just a lot of little things that I never really noticed before, but put together are enough to make me wonder. These are "quirks" I've had as long as any other oddities related to my kintypes. In fact, most of them I just blamed on my other two kintypes, consciously or subconsciously. The things that make me question are: The instinct to make feline vocalisations, especially hisses. Previously I blamed that on my former dragon "kintype", then on my spirit kintype, and then just kinda started to think of it as me being strange. Alone, I certainly wouldn't attach any deeper meaning to it. An instinctual familiarity and nostalgia for feline communication. This is something I only consciously noticed very recently. I was playing a video game, and sort of subconsciously started translating the characters' moods/behaviours into the feline equivalent. Thought it was a wolf thing at first, until I remembered that wolves don't flick their tails when they're annoyed, but rather when they're existed or alert. That's not the only time it's happened, but it's the first time I stopped and thought "hey, that's weird". Familiarity towards a leopard-esque body type. The main reason I'm pretty sure I'm not any other kind of feline is because their legs are too long, and their bodies are too slender. Looking at leopards, and reading a description of their defining characteristics, something about their appearance feels "right" to me. I looked at jaguars too, but their heads seem too broad. Leopards have very low, heavily built bodies and short legs, something which I've felt a resonance with for a long time. I used to think it was something to do with my spirit kintype's chosen form, but it doesn't match up well when I actually think about it. Natural/involuntary phantom shifts. Especially the tail and, to a lesser extent, the ears. I can sometimes feel my "tail" flicking when I'm annoyed, usually alongside some wolfish phantom shifts. Feline phantom shifts also account pretty well for the short-snouted head shifts I get sometimes (I previously pinned them on my other kintypes interacting oddly with the physical anatomy of my face). General affinity for feline shapeshifters/werecats/etc. Again, alone I'd just ignore this, but along with everything else it starts to paint a bigger picture. Now don't get me wrong, I like all kinds of shapeshifting in fiction (just part of being species dysphoric, I guess) but there's something different when it comes to leopards. I've even had a couple of OCs in the past that have been wereleopards, and one that I've had for years is a leopard therian. I expressed both of my other kintypes through characters before I came to accept/understand those parts of myself. This could be the same. Or it could just be a coincidence. I am just questioning, after all. I know it's not a cameo because my cameos are short but intense. I think I described them as being "a bright flame that burns out quickly", which is pretty much accurate. Whereas the leopard thing has been going on for years, and it's so mild that I've only just picked up on it. Wishful thinking can be ruled out too, because I really, really don't want another kintype, and definitely not something as cliche as a big cat. I'd much rather be something weird and obscure, but... nope. Much as I'd like to be a pine marten or a scorpion, I know I'm not. I wouldn't choose to be a leopard, but I can't say I'm not one with as much certainty. So... yep. That's everything I can think to write off the top of my head. Here we go again...
  12. Blip

    You're going to have to excuse me. I somehow ended up knee-deep in a spirit mental shift, and there's some stuff I need to get... out. This body's weird. I know how to move it, I know how to use it, but it's so- well, it's flesh. Soft and squishy. Took me a minute to remember how to work my eyes. It's strange how they focus themselves. I don't usually notice. And how all the muscles and tendons fit together, pulling on each other to somehow make this bizarre machine work. And now I tap a chunk of plastic to write runes on a screen, which will then perhaps be read by some other humans somewhere else in the world. I don't know why I am doing this. But it's not as if I have anything better to do. I messed up. Always running away, always avoiding, always sinking into apathy because it's easier that way. I pretend these emotions and instincts are borrowed, despite the fact that they define me. Blame them on cast-off memories that I can't even access from here, blame them on chemicals and hormones. I was wrong. I didn't let myself feel and I didn't let myself act. Now I'm here. I don't mind being here physically - this body, this life, it's temporary enough. Maybe I needed this to get perspective. It's fun being an "animal", but humans have this particular malfunction. A strange kind of strength, that feels more like a burden than anything else. We reflect. We doubt. We question. We care. In a way that no wolf or crow ever could. I made a mistake and I can't even consciously remember what it is. Those memories are blocked. That's probably a good thing. Doesn't stop me from feeling regretful about it, though. This is such a strange illusion. When you're here, living it, it feels so real and solid. I know how these atoms fit together, I know the pathways between them- such fragile patterns. But they're impassible to me now. I'm made of the same things, but they won't listen to me like this. They buzz around, but they already have a place. It's so odd. Being stuck in a body like this. I've done it millions of times before, but never in memory have I actually been aware of what I really am. I always lived my lives wholly as what my body was. There was no crossover. Here, now, though? Now, this is interesting. Proof that humans are not my specialisation. Things started leaking through before the barrier had even fallen. Would have been more convenient for me as a human if that had not happened, but then I wouldn't be stuck in this interesting situation. The body is tired and thirsty. My pack needs to be let out. I can hear one of my family members walking around outside my room. It would be awkward to try and talk to one of them like this. I'm going to cut some ties before this gets difficult. Take a step back. Return to being a very poor example of a human being, living a very poor example of a life. I don't know what to say about this. I am what I always have been. Sometimes I'm just better at hiding it, even from myself. Especially from myself.
  13. What just- I swear we just lot all content posted after last Wednesday? And the site was inaccessible for a while? Hope everything's okay with the servers and whatnot.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Kerguelen

      Kerguelen

      and some of my stuff is gone.

    3. AshenFall

      AshenFall

      Yeah, database error, looks like a few days were lost. At least it's not as bad as that one year! ^^"

    4. Charias

      Charias

      Haha, yeah! Would've sucked to have lost so much content. I feel bad for Shiro having to deal with this stuff!

  14. Blogs posted two days in a row? Been a while since that's happened. Just a short one this time. Had a really chaotic dream last night, but one part stood out to me as probably having some kind of meaning. Want to record it for posterity. I was in the back seat of a car full of people (can't remember who they were, but they weren't my family), driving along a country road that ran parallel to the coastline - long grass on either side, beach and ocean in the distance. I was sitting just staring out of the window, feeling a bit uncomfortable. The usual. Then I see a wolf emerge from the long grass next to the road. She looked a lot like me- uh, wolf me. Pale, yellowish fur, big but kinda scraggly. In my dream, wolves weren't extinct in the UK, just very rare. Everyone was gawking at this wolf, myself included. I do remember thinking that the wolf looked like my theriotype, though. Anyway, she just walked past the car without a care, then was about to disappear into the brush again. Right before she did, though, I turned and, looking out through the back window, I let out the most pathetic, un-wolf-like howl, and the other wolf turned around and stared at me. Then she came walking back over, right up to my window, and stared me right in the eyes. I got the urge to go out and be with her, but I knew the people in the car wouldn't have approved - I felt like they might even try to stop me. So I didn't. I just sat there. The wolf lost interest and walked away again. Another wolf, a lot darker than her, came out of the grass too and followed her. The car started moving again, and we left. Then the dream changed. Usually, I'd just dismiss it as some random, meaningless dream - I certainly have plenty of those. In the dream itself, it didn't have much significance. But when I woke up, and actually thought about it... I think the wolf outside the car was me. Some part of me that I want to embrace, but I can't because of everyone else. More specifically, because of what everyone else will think of me if I do it. Not just my family, but everyone. Society as a whole. Hardly a rare sentiment around these parts... it's just unusual that it'd creep into my dreams. And what can I do about it, anyway? I'm a human now. I can't go out and run through the forest like a wild thing, even if deep down I want to do that more than anything. There's no way I can escape from this elaborate half-lie I've built. No way I can escape from this damn body either. I'll never be able to stop pretending. I'll never be able to be myself. That's just part of being otherkin. We all know that. So what do I do with this? I want to be free, I want to be myself... but I'd be damning myself if I did it. There's no way 'round that.
  15. Incoherent

    And I'm back here again. For some reason. Not really sure why. My insomnia's been being a pain in the ass lately - maybe venting my thoughts will help? Sorry, everyone. I don't like filling this blog with meaningless drivel, but I trust you guys more than anyone else on the internet, and shouting into the void doesn't really cut it for me. I don't know what's on my mind right now. That's kind of why I'm here. To figure it out. So. Guess I'll do that, then? But what can I really say? I don't know what's up with me. I feel restless, but unmotivated at the same time. I've felt tired all day, and now I can't sleep. I waste so much of my time. That's practically all I ever do... waste, waste, waste, and wait for things to miraculously get better. That hasn't happened so far, but the world has a way of keeping my life interesting anyway. In other ways. Like accidentally setting off a firework. It's pretty, but it set the house on fire. But it's pretty. But everything's burning. I feel disconnected from myself. Too much going on. Too much external stimuli. But I feel disconnected from everything else too. Too much to take in. Go to my room, take a time out, try to collect myself... and this happens. This frustration, this restlessness. Trying to collect myself is like trying to pick up water with my bare hands. Runs through my fingers every time. I feel like I should be doing something. There's got to be some bigger reason I'm here, right? Here, now, this time, this place... this can't have been an accident. Not after everything that's happened. I must have known what I was getting myself into. Otherwise, why would I have ended up like this, instead of being a normal person living a normal life? If I really did just come here for a break, why am I me, and not someone else? Why here? Maybe there's no reason to it. Maybe there isn't an answer. I don't know if I find that comforting, or unnerving. I'm so tired of this. This shouldn't have happened. My life would be so much easier if I could just forget all of this. Shouldn't have dug so deep. Should've ignored it, pushed it down, locked it in a corner somewhere to gather dust and be forgotten. At least then I'd just be a human. I hate being stuck in the middle like this. There's no place for me anywhere. I'm always going to be pretending. Sometimes I want my life to end. Other times, I want it to begin. Where am I now? Somewhere between? Something between? Some wild little thing caught between the epilogue of one story and the prologue of another, waiting for those damn curtains to rise or fall. I don't care which it is. I just want something to make me care. Care about one thing, care about the other, care about something, anything. Human beings are scary. Am I scary too? What kind of monster would I be if I wasn't?
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