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Shezep last won the day on May 26

Shezep had the most liked content!

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408 Awesome


About Shezep

  • Rank
    Holy Birb

Personal Information

  • Gender Identity
  • Gender Expression
    Masculinity (weak)
  • Preferred Pronouns
    he, they
  • Sexuality
  • Antisexuality


  • Kin Name
  • Aliases
  • Primary Identity
  • Kintype(s)
    deity-shard, hawk therian, polymorph, spirit being
  • Time of Awakening
    12yrs, 19yrs
  • Shifting Experience
    Mental Shifting
    Phantom Shifting
    Aura Shifting
    Astral Shifting
    Cameo Shifting
  • Shifting Triggers
    I experience voluntary shifts.
    I experience emotionally-provoked involuntary shifts.
    I experience unprovoked involuntary shifts.
    I experience involuntary shifts provoked by external stimuli.
  • Plural System
  • Religion
  1. Service is at the core of my being, but you know what else is at the core of my being? The core of MY being. That's a lesson I've had trouble learning. It has gotten me in trouble more than once. I went back to see Ra last night after not visiting in months. We used to have a "servant with benefits" arrangement going on. I was the servant, anyway. He'd infuse me with his energy and then I'd use it to do magic in the astral. Sometimes he'd tell me what he wanted done, and sometimes I'd improvise. Over time that became a problem for two reasons. I started getting addicted to his energy, and the whole arrangement started messing with my head. Last night when he started saying "Mine," I stopped him. No, I belong to myself. I serve you because I believe in you, but you do not own me. Once I made that clear, we hooked up anyway, because truthfully I did always like that part. I did not wait for him to give me instructions afterward. I'm supposed to be retired, if only temporarily, anyway. I grew up as a servant, no, not really, but kids aren't given any choice in how they are raised. Carrot and stick, praise and shame, and long hours of pointless busy work with consequences if it's not done perfectly right. Physically, I had it easy, no denying that. But when I couldn't meet their demands, day after day. When my best wasn't good enough again and again, it ate away at my spirit. Most kids seem to shrug this off, either that or they're good at faking it. I could not. When you're a guard or a warrior, and your best isn't good enough, people die. Somehow it never occurred to me that being less than perfect was anything other than life and death. Being less than perfect was not acceptable. It never occurred to me that I had a right, even a necessity, to think of myself first. Also, that I'm human, and perfection is a ridiculous thing to expect from me. Then there's religion. Do stuff for the gods. Give stuff to the gods. Serve the gods. I got caught up in all of that too. In the KO they say serve your gods first. That's partly how I ended up with Ra. Ra is old school. He believes in hierarchy as a means to secure order. We had many discussions over it. Having grown up in America, some of that was uncomfortable and a bit of a culture shock. I tried doing it their way. I poked my nose back in over at the forums again. I asked who I should PM about dropping part of my name and downgrading from shemsu to remetj, because I was no longer serving Ra directly. They welcomed me, but I got no answer to my request. Within a few days, I realized that I didn't care enough to bother. Maybe I just wanted to show myself that making the request in the first place was the logical next step. That everything that led to it had been a series of logical steps. I belong to me, not to Them. Whether I serve or not is a choice, not a duty. Maybe Hemet was right about one thing, it is a human religion, and since I'm not human, what am I doing there? What need does it fulfill for me? I went seeking knowledge and I got that. It was a valuable experience, but not one I need to hold on to. It's not just because I'm kin either. Any human who does a cost/benefit analysis and doesn't like what they see should walk away. We often forget to do the analyzing. People just say "trust me," or "this is supposed to be how it works," and we believe them. That still counts for walking away from someone who is more powerful than you. If you can't leave, then give them just enough to get by, but never give them your soul. Ra proved to me that he is more powerful, at least in my current incarnation. He fried my energy and drove me insane for a couple months because he wanted to get my attention. I don't think it was his plan to hurt me, just that he's not very good with humans. I got the impression that he only wanted to speak to the Heru within me and thought that my human side was just a minor and temporary inconvenience. So, yes, he could hurt me. Then I went back to touch base with the herus, to affirm that I am with them and they are with me. I sometimes complain about being alone, or that I can't hear the Song from here. They assured me that it's always there whether I think of it or not. It's like background noise at this point, so I don't always notice it, but they haven't gone anywhere.
  2. I just posted this in response to what my kintype looks like, but there's a lot of other stuff in there too that seems to do a decent job of explaining a tricky subject. So, cut and paste! You've probably seen pictures of Horus/Heru in books and museums and things like that. That's not what I look like. I could look like a falcon-headed human, or a falcon wearing a crown if I want to, but I usually don't. That's just iconography, which is like a pictorial language in itself. I think of the herus (lower case as I refer to it from the species viewpoint) as being more of a species than an individual, though with the mind link, it gets iffy as to whether we're separate individuals or one being existing in parts. Also being noncorporeal, we can merge and split which further confuses the issue. You could think of us like water. Sometimes you get individual drops, and sometimes you get an ocean. (I'm a little closer to the drop side at the moment.) I often picture us in our natural state as being glowing blue wispy cloudlike beings. I'm not sure if we really look like that because when I'm in that state it's not like I have eyes, or at least not the same eyes I have here. The next step up, is when that bluish energy coalesces into a shape that is made for doing things. Still in the spiritual realm there. It still shifts and moves and isn't just one shape, it's just sort of more solid than the cloud type. This was me as a temple guard and as a fighter. The shape is whatever I need it to be at the time, and it changes dynamically. (We have these spirits that I call sand hounds that fight in a similar way. They don't look like hounds. They look like a hound-sized intelligent sandstorm filled with razor sharp particles of sand. It's a lot of fun running with them! They act like hounds too. They're so cute! Sometimes they make an animal-like shape if they're just resting. Or that could just be my imagination.) If I'm in an environment near physical-ish beings where I might talk to them, I'll shift to blend in. In this state I have several favorite forms, but I will adapt to my surroundings and purpose. This is where those bird of prey and humanoid shapes come into play. Sometimes I even incarnate, and not always as a human when I do. Not always as an important human either. The pharaoh thing is documented. There's a lot of stuff that's not documented. I list red tail hawk as a theriotype, because I've taken on that form often enough that it has left an imprint on me. Incarnating as a hawk makes for a nice vacation. (Traditionally Heru is depicted as a falcon, but I grew up in the US and imprinted on the red tail instead. They are awesome snake hunters!) To sum up: blue cloud, blue energy being, other favorite shapes usually run along a scale from full bird to anthro bird to full human, sometimes some lion or gryphon gets in there, but anything is fair game Finally, I'm a polymorph so identifying me by looks won't help you much. I always tell people that giving a physical description of a spirit being is somewhat futile. Sure, they may have favorites, but it's not enough to go on.
  3. To me. Yes, I am a Mom. No one volunteered to get up early and make my breakfast. I must not have raised them right. Later today we're going to pick up BBQ take out and go to my Mom's house to avoid the crowds. On my way back from Santa Fe I had a moment of knowing who I am. I don't mean my kintype, but more like what is my expression in this lifetime? I remember when I was a kid, and thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up, I decided that I wanted to be a magician. Not a fake, stage, magician, but a real one. My reason was that I wanted to show others that magic was real. Being a Tai Chi instructor is probably the closest thing I can come to doing that. We learned a lot of "magic" tricks over the past week. I also decided that I would check out the KO forums again, now that I have a better idea of who I am, and am not. It's hard to hang on to that enthusiasm when I'm home and back in my usual environment. John was telling us to do our chi gong in a nice clean environment where the chi is fresh and not stagnant. I'm not sure I have such a place close by. I've made a good start on my room. I've got a lot of plants, including an orange tree, in my window. But sometimes I wonder how many of my issues I have absorbed from my spouse, by living together for years. I live in a desert. I can't just ask the nearby trees to share the wealth when they're barely scraping by too. That's probably why I've been chowing down on sunlight, as harsh as it is. John said to stop practicing if your head starts to feel fuzzy. That means you're doing too much and dipping into your reserves to keep going. Following that rule, I only got about twenty minutes of practice in yesterday. I suppose that over time that will get better as more of it becomes automatic. But more or less, I need to forget about Heru the king, and focus more on Heru the guard, magician, and teacher. And as a teacher, my biggest thrill comes from empowering others, not through platitudes, but by actually pointing them in the right direction to meet their goals. Though I do notice that sometimes my lessons can be a little harsh, and yes, it does take a bit of ego to make that kind of judgement. My diplomacy can always use more polishing. There is no difference between diplomacy and push hands, except one is physical and the other is verbal. I can always use more practice on both.
  4. The trip was a lot of fun. The workshop was a little strenuous, not so much physically, but it takes a toll on the brain cells to try to move your chi in new and interesting ways for hours at a time. I think the highlights of the week were when, twice, I helped a couple of older ladies to get the technique down. Neither of them had much experience with push hands or in asserting their chi, but they were both able to do the exercise at hand. Watching them light up and fill with pride over their accomplishments made me happy at the same time. I wasn't just playing along either, I genuinely felt the effects of what they were doing. Muscle is not required for these, in fact muscle can get in the way. Either the technique works or it doesn't. Using muscle to fake it doesn't help at all. I told one of them that she had a slight advantage by not doing push hands previously. She didn't have to unlearn bad habits! (Yes, sure, if two people are of equal skill, the stronger one will probably win, but in learning the skill, relying on physical force can get in the way of really understanding the technique.) Apparently I'm not in it to beat people up. I'm in it because it's cool and awesome, and because it's really fun to teach old ladies how to kick butt! They go their whole lives being told to step back and care for others and to not get in the way. Then they show up to Tai Chi and realize that they're not as weak or fragile or as tame as everyone wants them to believe. It's awesome. This makes me want to really learn the new stuff so I can show others. I already teach a class. I can bring some of this back to my students. I might even try to add another class or two somewhere else if I can work out my schedule. It just kind of reminds me of why I'm in this.
  5. For some extremely emo and depressed godkin action there's "Monolith" by Mortiis. "Go away from me, I just want to flee, the god I used to be." They even perform in costume, I believe. Definitely some nonhuman gnomish or goblin action happening on the cover art there. Can't forget "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls! That one was also used in the City of Angels sound track. And I also think "Learning to Fly" by Pink Floyd halfway counts. They were talking about airplanes, but at the same time the singer identifies as someone who belongs in the air. "Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit, I."
  6. There's "Human" by the Killers. "Are we human or are we dancer?" The big tip off is that in the video the lead singer is wearing feathers, and there's a lot of imagery of the band members being big cats. So, if they're not therians, they were at least playing with the idea. And speaking of playing, Depeche Mode put out an album called "Playing the Angel" and their songs often have religious references in them with a twist. Also on the subject of angels, SixxAM has a song called "Skin" that does sound like it was written for angelkin. Then there's the classic "Of Wolf and Man" by Metallica. I don't know if any of these bands or band members are otherkin, but they seem to be playing with the concepts.
  7. I dropped the grains of purifying natron into the hot bath water. Plop, plop. Fizz, Fizz. (Oh what a relief it is!) That's not how that goes. Hello, Mother! It's been a long time since I've done the full purifying ritual. I'm not sure I even remember the words. Aset was with me this morning too, because I needed her. I kept thinking about everything that could go wrong. What if something happened to my wife? It's never fun to have to take her to the ER, but at least this time they gave us a diagnosis. Just an infection. Bed rest and antibiotics should handle it. What if something happens to me? I'm driving hundreds of miles, by myself, gone for a few days and then back. What if ZepWrecked was a foreshadowing? But, I knew that was stress talking, while at the same time in my half asleep, half awake state the sunlight was burning into my back, leaving phantom burns under my shoulder blades. Until she helped me calm down. She's good at that. I got up, took a hot shower to balance out the energies, and had breakfast. I felt mostly normal by the time I got to the Tai Chi workshop. Today we learned about Kryptonian Terraformers, completing the circuit, "anything you can do, I can do better," Spiderman fingers, and drunk pendulums all in two hours. Yes of course that's all code, and hopefully enough of a hint to remind myself later of what we learned. I hadn't done push hands in too long. I was sore again by this evening, hence the hot bath. (And after playing with chi for that long, I may have another interesting morning tomorrow.) Tomorrow, it's a five hour drive, then another two hours of Tai Chi. Then two full days of learning cool new chi tricks! And maybe if I learn to get body and chi to work together, I can quit frying myself before I even get out of bed in the morning. Oh yeah, ZepWrecked. My gaming blog is up, sort of. I haven't quite broken in the writing style yet, and I'm still playing with the site, but it's up. I probably won't do anything else with it until I get back in town.
  8. I have already told you, several times, why I think you are different from a therian. You are your own thing, which is not bad to be, but I will not go into that again, because I do not want to talk about it forever. If you did not understand what I meant then, you probably still won't. If you can not move on without two more things, then you are still in the trap. There's nothing I can help you with if you insist on doing that. Learning to get along with people takes practice. The only way you can improve there is by practicing and listening to feedback. The first rule is, no one is required to agree with or believe in you. My kintype is that I'm part of a god. Do you know how many people on this site say they don't believe in gods? I wouldn't have very many friends if I insisted that they all believe and "join me on my journey." They can be my friends whether they agree with me or not. If you think people have to agree with you in order to be your friend, then that is a trap.
  9. Have you ever heard of the story of the monkey trap? Hunters would go out into the jungle and bury jars in the ground. In the jars, they'd place a piece of fruit. Later, a monkey would come by and grab the fruit, but once the monkey made a fist around the fruit, it would get stuck in the narrow hole in the jar. The monkey would be trapped there because it refused to let go of the fruit no matter what. I don't know if that's a true story or not, but it sounds like what you are doing. You are hanging on to things that are leaving you trapped and unable to do things differently. "Pantherian" is your trap. I've already told you, I think what you are is different from what a therian is. Insisting on getting likes and comments before you continue is another trap. Sometimes in life you just have to keep moving forward whether people agree with you or not. If you want to make friend here, play some games in the chit chat threads. Write your blog posts. Understand that not everyone will agree with you and that's ok if they don't. You can't make friends by arguing with people, or by trying to bribe them with love and caring. You make friends by participating in conversations that aren't arguments, and by listening to others. All the threads I've seen you make are about you. Participate in threads that aren't about you too.
  10. Kyms, if you want to spill your heart out in your blog, then just do it. Your life and your identity should not be dependent on whether you get likes on a post or not. If you want to participate in the community, then do that too. No one has asked you to leave. Yes, we disagree over words, but overall, that's not really such a big thing. Just be you anyway.
  11. How did the fluff become a deitykin? He screamed until he was Horus.
  12. Hawks, of course! And other birds of prey. Also, dogs and cats and manatees.
  13. Today I did some reading on the psychological concept of flow. It seemed related to what I was talking about in the last entry. They say that states of flow or being "in the zone" are more likely to occur when high levels of skill meet high levels of challenge. That didn't feel completely right to me. People can develop a sense of flow even while doing simple tasks like cleaning, or driving or knitting. They say that those who have an autotelic personality are more likely to have flow experiences. They then describe autotelic people as being curious, persistent, do things for their own sakes rather than for a goal, and have low self-centeredness. You mean like a monk? So naturally, a Westerner would put more emphasis on the external than the internal when describing how to reach these states. "Seek out greater challenges!" rather than "Dive deeper into the now." If you are mindful enough, simply walking can provide enough complexity for you to focus on. (I've spent entire class periods teaching people how to walk and barely scratched the surface.) But, sure, blame the activity itself for being too boring. My most common cause of boredom has nothing to do with available activities. It has more to do with decreased ability, like brain fog and fatigue, limiting my options. Recently I've been playing around with the MyNoise sound generators to provide an aid to focus. Sometimes it works. The monk thing keeps circling around and coming back. What is a monk, anyway? Is is someone who cultivates and encourages the flow state within themself? Anything from illuminated calligraphy to shaolin martial arts to chanting of various kinds would fit neatly into that definition. Before I've heard it defined by what was taken away, vows of poverty or celibacy, but those were then explained as a means of removing obstacles and distractions. Obstacles to what? Union with the divine, they say. The flow state is such that you don't have to call it god to appreciate it. But you can call it divine if you want to, because that is how it feels. That is the thing I remember most about being a celestial. And boy does it screw with my head when goal-oriented people keep telling me how to live, or make assumptions about how I do live! It really does feel like were are of different species.
  14. What do I want? I want to be more like Kevin. I want to be more like how I remember being. I've learned so many bad habits while being here. Habits are hard to change. I want to be a Wind Rider. I want to flow. Everything here has rough edges that grind together and break things. Everything just plods along on elephant feet. Except that isn't fair to elephants. They're actually very careful about their feet when they want to be. I am often dismayed by my own rough edges and trampling feet. Back there, I didn't have to think about grace. It just was. Here it is a product of constant attention and skill and practice and effort. Why make the effort? Because I want to feel like myself again.
  15. Some Christians genuinely believe that those who do not follow their beliefs are in danger, and a parent who believes their child is in danger is a powerful force. Trust me on that. I am a parent, and as such I have to back up the old "their house, their rules" routine, barring any actual abuse. I assume you're a teenager? You'll be an adult sooner than you think. Freedom of religion doesn't actually kick in until you're eighteen, assuming you are in the US, and even then if you're financially dependent, you might still need to make compromises. That's just how the world works.