Jump to content


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


Gryff last won the day on September 27

Gryff had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

458 Awesome

About Gryff

  • Rank
    Uber-Geek Fauntaur

Personal Information

  • Gender Identity
  • Gender Expression
  • Preferred Pronouns
  • Sexuality
  • Antisexuality
  • Hobbies
    Video games, tabletop games, writing, music
  • Favorite Games & Video Games
    The Legend of Zelda, Fallout, Dungeons and Dragons, Fantasy Craft, Magic the Gathering, Pokemon
  • Favorite Sports & Teams
    Chicago Bears (American Football), Chicago Cubs (Baseball)
  • Religion
    Jewish (cultural)
  • Personal Spirituality
    I believe there's probably some higher power up there, and I get the feeling it doesn't like me

Other-than-human Identity

  • Primary Identity
  • Other names
    Jake (real name), Goron (nickname)

Otherkin Identity

  • Kin Name
    That would be "Gryff"
  • Kintype(s)
  • Kintype(s) Description
    I made up the term "fauntaur" because I don't know exactly what I am, but I am confident in some things. Essentially a fauntaur is a creature that is human on top, with the lower body of either a four legged horse (i.e. a centaur), a two legged goat (i.e. a faun), or a four legged goat. It may also be a demon, which in this case means a powerful and malevolent being.
  • Time of Awakening
    Around 2000
  • Personal Otherkin Experiences
    I don't really shift, and in fact, outside of TUF (see below and in my signature for what that means), being kin doesn't affect my life much. My biggest focus is on trying to figure out what I am, which has been a harrowing 15-plus year experience that's still ongoing.
  • Personal Awakening
    I was always obsessed with transformation growing up, and I would sometimes face periods where being human just felt so distressing for me. I would give anything to not be. So when I was somewhere between 10 and 12, even though I was smart enough to know that it was stupid to do so, I looked online for websites about physical transformations. In my results I found an otherkin forum, and it just felt like the explanation I was looking for.

Recent Profile Visitors

1700 profile views
  1. What's your name? Who's your daddy?

    True enough. In any case, that's just a piece of a theory, a connection to propel my search a bit. The "descended from Pan" theory is still just a theory anyway.
  2. It's kind of amazing what a new theory can do to one’s search for identity. This theory that I may have been a descendant of Pan in my past life, while tenuous, opens up a lot of things for me to think about. The thoughts provided by some of you guys on the forum gave me even more to think about. So it's time for a good old fashioned blog post to sort through as much as possible. I'll start with the good news. I've become more comfortable and more sure of a few aspects of my past life and my kin type. I feel totally comfortable that for the most part my kin type is a faun. It feels right to say that, and it feels good. I see pictures of fauns and I feel the connection. I feel the urge to be not non-human in general but in fact to be a faun physically. Nothing is ever a sure thing, but I'm more comfortable than before. I even felt the urge to start working on my faun “costume,” which I'm doing. Good stuff. Also, I'm getting more comfortable ans confident about at least the eromenos part of my relationship with Pan. It still feels like it makes sense, and I have feelings when I encounter some things which relate to it. I don't want to get too much into it of course, but you know, seeing things like the statue of Pan and Daphnes and that kind of thing. So all of that is progress. But now comes the new theory, and what that could mean. As people pointed out, being a descendant of Pan could mean a number of things besides the physical definition I was thinking about. It could be something spiritual in nature; perhaps Pan imbued me or one of my ancestors with a bit of his spirit for some reason. It could also happen through possession, if perhaps somewhere up the chain Pan possessed one of my ancestors. Hell, it doesn't even have to be as literal as that. It would seem that my relationship with Pan began at a young age, so perhaps he was more of a “father figure.” But then, Shezep brought up something interesting: claiming to be descended from gods was common practice for Egyptian royalty. And those are two things that seem to keep coming up: Egypt and royalty. It does seem to start fitting together. If I had to guess, knowing Pan, I would imagine any ancestry would be physical in nature. I mean, physical is what he’s all about, right? But that doesn't preclude the Egyptian royalty aspect. No, I don't think I was a pharaoh or anything like that; I imagine I’d have stronger evidence if that were the case. But it's possible that I was related to one, perhaps a cousin or a lesser sibling or even something very distant. If that particular royal line were descended from Pan, it would still make sense. And perhaps this ancestry, royalty or not, would explain his interest in me and his desire to help me deal with my transformation. Before I continue, a brief interlude. I tried another past life guided meditation. These remain difficult because of the expectations I have going into them, so I take all of this with a huge grain of salt, but here’s what I saw. It was the same sort of Egyptian marketplace I've seen before, and I was literally dancing around it having a grand old time. I was wearing what appeared to be rags, but I seemed pretty happy. It then moved on to where I lived in that life, which was a very big and fancy house for the time. The style wasn't right for the setting, but that's probably my brain filling in gaps in my knowledge with things that get the point across. There, I saw myself wearing much nicer clothes to go with it. Finally, it brought me to a key moment in that life. And this part I really doubt has any meaning at all, but I'll share it anyway. I found myself in some sort of underground dungeon, terrified, with some witches in front of me. They commanded me to choose a door in the dungeon to go through. It seemed to have something to do with my transformation. The more solid some things become, the more questions open up about other things. But there are at least a few things I can now say are pretty much core beliefs. For one, my kin type seems to basically be a faun. I understand that better now. I can guess that the demon part comes from people seeing fauns as demons, and from me being a particularly sadistic one at some point in my past life. I still have to work on the centaur part. I can also outline at least a few parts of my past life: I most likely lived in Egypt. At some point I was transformed into a faun against my will, after which Pan took me on as an apprentice and eromenos. Those appear to be the key things, and the ones that I believe pretty solidly. But for each step forward there are unanswered questions. Who transformed me? Why did they do it? And was I a descendant of Pan? I'll explore my current theories on those in a different post.
  3. It's been one hell of a week since I last posted. I don't have too much to say kin-wise, but I will share what I do have. My trip to California was awesome, despite some minor medical issues I had to deal with. The first of two full days was spent at Disneyland. If you've been reading this blog you know that I've been on a Disney kick for a while and have been pondering a possible connection to my kin experience with Disney movies and Disney in general. I loved a lot of the rides, including Star Tours and Haunted Mansion Holiday. But I also made time to go on the Pinocchio ride, given that I recently found a scene from that movie kept coming up (you can guess which one). It didn't really reveal anything other than adding more fuel to the idea that I was transformed in my past life to be used. Unrelated, I also got a few things off of my bucket list at Disneyland: I tried a Dole Whip (it was excellent) and participated in pin trading. We did a few things on day 2, but the big highlight of the day and the trip (and the entire reason for the trip) was the concert. As a reminder, this was Linkin Park’s big tribute show to celebrate the life of Chester Bennington. It featured the band and a cavalcade of guests playing through the band’s hits and talking about what Chester meant to them. It was an emotional event, but mostly it was fun and exciting. I was singing along like a madman, and so was everyone else. I always say that music affects me in interesting ways, and at this show, I let myself get totally carried away. As for kin-related things, well, it depends on whether we think the music coincidences are really messages from Pan or otherwise kin-related. The jury is still out on that. But if so, hoo boy, did he send me a big one during the concert. Before the show proper started, a DJ called Z-Trip played an opening set. I know him for the song he did with Chester Bennington of course, the amazing “Walking Dead.” Anyway, he was playing while I waited in line for water. As I looked down at my vintage 2004 Linkin Park shirt, it reminded me of a strange song. It's called “It's Going Down” and it's by Linkin Park and a group called X-Ecutioners. It's fairly obscure. But I thought of it because it features the lyrics “Nobody in the world is safe/when we melt down the wax in your record crate.” It was a crate of records depicted on my shirt. And as I was deciding whether to tell my boyfriend this fun fact, Z-Trip started playing exactly that song. Now I realize that it's a Linkin Park song (sort of) and therefore doesn't seem that crazy, but keep in mind that it's fairly obscure. I'm pretty sure it's also the only Linkin Park song he played during the set. So combining that with the timing, it was a ridiculous coincidence. But even if we imagine music coincidences are communication from Pan, what would it mean? Well, lately, my meditations and my “communications” with Pan have been focused on this question of whether I might have been related to him in my past life. And as easy as it would be to see this as the answer to that question, it isn't so simple. At the very most, this can nudge that idea to being an actual potential theory instead of a purely hypothetical musing. Let's see how deep this rabbit hole goes, eh?
  4. Metroid Prime 4

    I'm definitely excited. I only played a bit of the others, but I liked what I did play. Plus, it's another win for the Switch, which is good.
  5. Pre-trip update

    I don't have too much to say today, but I did want to address a couple of things before my trip. Needless to say, I've been anxiously awaiting it. I'll be heading to California, where I'll be attending the memorial show for Chester Bennington and going to Disneyland. I haven't done a ton of meditating since the last time I posted here, but I am still focused on the same question. It's difficult to interpret things that may be signs from Pan, but there have been a couple of things that, were I completely lacking in skepticism and common sense, I could easily see as confirmation of the idea. I've actually taken to asking Pan during my times spent at my mini-altar for signs, for some reason. And sometimes it seems like the musical coincidences come just short of being perfectly timed to confirm things. But I'm not an idiot; I am aware of confirmation bias. And of course, even if I did consider these things to be signs from Pan, they're always just short of confirming anything entirely. If messages from gods could be that specific, there would be a lot more evidence of them. I'm interested in the theory for a few reasons. For one, it will tell me a lot about myself. If it does turn out to be accurate, it would tell me a lot about what I am, what my past life was like, and what my relationship with Pan was like in that past life. And look, Iet’s not kid ourselves: who wouldn't want to call oneself a demigod? It would kind of fit into a number of things, when you think about it. But all of this is also why I'm still so wary of the idea. It’s a little too perfect. It answers too many questions, and it's too good to be true. It's challenging, obviously. It's a very tempting idea. But that's why I need to be crazy careful. The other thing to discuss has to do with one of the places I'm going. I mentioned a little while back this idea that maybe there’s something about my identity or past life that's directly related to Disney in some way. This could be a fiction-kin sort of thing, or something else that I haven't figured out yet. Either way, if such a thing is present, there's a good chance it will manifest on Thursday when I'm at Disneyland. It should be interesting. Honestly I'm not really expecting anything, but I'm curious. That's about it for now. I'll let you know if anything new happens.
  6. A Deep Connection Between Two People

    I would also suggest not ruling out coincidence as a possibility just yet. When it comes to shoulders, for example, there are only two choices. Throw in confirmation bias to muck things up further, and it could be much ado about nothing. Or, maybe not. Given that you've described it as "a deeper connection than a lot of people can even begin to understand" I'm not sure there's much else we can add. All I can say is, keep an eye on things and see if anything becomes undeniably unusual.
  7. I've finally gotten back to my meditating, at least once. It's surprisingly hard to balance that with everything else that takes up my time and mind-space, even though it doesn't take very long. Since it had been such a long time since I did one, I decided to try a new past life regression guided meditation, just to see what happened. I was fully aware going in that my expectations and predictions would make it very difficult to open my mind up, and that did end up being the case. But, I tried my best to hold back anyway and see something new. I don't know if it worked exactly, but I did see something new. I saw myself as a knight with a spear, in the middle of a war and absolutely terrified. I believe I was holding a spear. This particular past life meditation talked about seeing people I know in this life in the past lives, though I'm not sure how literally it meant that. I saw my friend Nick; as I marched out to battle, he offered some sort of spiritual guidance, but I turned it down; I was too focused on the task at hand it seemed. It then flashed to ten years later. I was still a knight; I didn't look much different but I was obviously more tired. I saw myself sitting down on a bench or something, exhausted. Suddenly Nick came and sat down next to me. We were quiet, but I don't remember what happened afterwards. I don't really know what to make of this one. It could be a real past life memory I suppose, or it could be something more symbolic. Maybe it's me telling myself to see the forest for the trees more? I do tend to get bogged down in the task at hand. Not that I needed to meditate to make myself aware of that, mind you. By this point in the meditation I realised that trying to force myself to not think about what I expected/wanted to see was not going to work, at least not this time. So as the guided meditation moved on to another past life, I decided to change my process and lean into the expectations, just to see what would happen. I take everything I saw in this meditation with a huge rock of salt because of how messed up in thought I was, but it's still worth documenting. The next “vision” (for lack of a better word) was interesting. It showed me as a kid, maybe 8 years old if not younger. I lived in a small house, and Pan of all beings came to visit me. I was excited to see him; I clearly knew him already. He came over to play with me. And if I had parents (I couldn't tell), they didn't seem to mind. When the memory flashed forward, it seemed that our relationship hadn't changed much. I was older, but that's about it. For the moment, let's imagine this is a real past life memory for the purpose of examining it. I don't think it is, for several reasons, but it's worth exploring either way. See, my existing theories hold that I met Pan in my past life around the same time I was transformed, and at least in my mid-teens. This would suggest that I actually knew Pan long before that. It would also mean that my transformation (by his hand or otherwise) was not the reason for our meeting. Now, from what little I saw, it was a totally innocent friendship at this point, even if it became something else later on. It is Pan we’re talking about, but regardless, I think it was innocent until I was older. So, what else does this tell us, beyond the obvious? Well, it suggests that none of my theories about how I became connected with Pan are accurate. As a child there wasn't much I could do or be that would interest him. As such, there must be something else. It would presumably have something to do with my heritage; I doubt Pan just plays with random children. So, what could the reason be? Maybe my family were worshippers of Pan, to a greater extent than most. If one of my parents was some kind of religions leader or something, that might make sense. Or hell, maybe he knew I would grow up to be a major follower of his. But there is one other theory I have, a pretty big elephant in the room. Let me pose it like this. In this life, I love kids. But the only little kid I really play with is my niece. Why? Well, because she’s family. This idea of being ancestrally related to Pan in some way has come up before, of course. And I always reject it, because it doesn't seem quite right to me. It would also be extremely hypocritical for me to claim to even be part god. And to be clear I'm still dismissing it; we’re still in Hypothetical Land. But while we’re here, I have to admit, it is an intriguing idea. I mean, it would answer some questions, and pose a few more. Perhaps it needs some more thought, extremely unlikely as it is. That's about all I have to say for now. I plan to do some more meditation and such later today. Maybe I’ll uncover something else. It may even help to focus on these hypotheticals to see if there’s any substance behind them. Who knows? I’ll keep you posted.
  8. (Note: this was written yesterday) Let's cast our minds back to the end of August, when I returned from Gen Con. I played in an RPG session that involved modern reincarnations of Disney characters fighting villains in a theme park. And for some reason, that game had an emotional effect on me. It had nothing to do with fauns, centaurs, or transformation, but it elicited similar feelings. As I was playing as Aladdin, I figured maybe this had to do with the world of my past life being similar to Aladdin’s world. I'll get into more details soon. Those thoughts eventually left my head as I started focusing my exploration more on Pan. But recently, they came back. The other day I felt a pull to listen to Disney music, which I had collected during the “Disney kick” after Gen Con. Then today, I came into the office to hear my coworker playing Disney music, some of it the same as mine. And I noticed that these songs, a few in particular, generated little bits of “life dysphoria” or The Annoying Feeling. I should also note that on both days I was/am wearing my Kingdom Hearts necklace. This is significant for two reasons. First, Kingdom Hearts is a game that involved visiting the worlds of several Disney movies. The other is that Kingdom Hearts was one of the first big triggers of The Unstoppable Feeling, and still concerns me to this day. Now, these coincidences are not necessarily enough to make me think they’re any more than coincidences. It did cross my mind that tonight is the first night of October’s full moon, which some associate with Pan. And I did take advantage of the timing. But still, these are coincidences. Even so, the feelings themselves can lead to some thoughts worth considering. First, my old theory. When I first did my past life meditation I saw the Arabian setting as being very similar to Agrabah from Aladdin. I figured at the time that it was just my mind reaching for the closest analogue. But what if the world in which I lived in that life was actually very similar to the world of Aladdin? I can't imagine it was exactly the same, but perhaps there's more than a superficial similarity. It's really hard to unpack this since there's so little to go on, and because it's just too easy. It seems like a shortcut. But today did give me a bit more evidence to work with. There are actually two other things I was able to grasp at to find meaning in these feelings. The first seemed to be a yearning not for a different body but a different world. It felt like this world and this life are too mundane, and I can only adjust so much to that. Another game I played at Gen Con involved magic and wonder draining from the world, making life hard for magical beings like the satyr I was playing as. This felt a little bit like that. I know it sounds dumb; we all wish our lives were more interesting. But it's still a legitimate feeling, and one that fits my other ideas. I've had similar feelings before; I guess they're like a quick reminder that I don't “belong” here. There was another thought that crossed my mind too. And I fully realize and admit that this idea is pretty dumb and doesn't really fit. But since I want to document everything, I'll share it anyway. There was something in those feelings that seemed specifically connected to Disney. I don't know what that means. It could just be that Disney movies emphasize the “magic and wonder” described above. It could suggest that that's the kind of world I belong in. Or, again, there could be something more to it. I don't know what that would be, other than the “Disney magic” of that RPG, and even I think that's ridiculous. I guess there isn't as much here as I initially thought. And so far, my work toward connecting with Pan has been a bust. I spent some time out at a park tonight trying to meditate under the moon. Not much happened, and the moon was hidden by clouds. I did see a picture in my head of two anthropomorphic foxes in old fashioned clothes, but I'm pretty sure that's just random. But maybe there’s something to the rest of this after all. Leaving the park, I happened to pass a car with the license plate “JASMIN 6.” So who knows?
  9. Last movie you watched?

    One might expect that I'd be more into that movie, but while I found it interesting, it didn't do much for me.
  10. I'm sorry to say this, Ouroboros, but a lot of what you've said is either wrong, or has been proven wrong since you posted. Let's start with something obvious: You claim he has never made any anti-trans or anti-gay statements. That is blatantly false. He is working to ban transgender people from serving in the military. His excuse about "medical costs" is completely false, and can easily be proven so. I can provide other examples, but this one is pretty damning on its own. Second, the Affordable Care Act (which Republicans call "Obamacare" to make it sound bad) was originally significantly more comprehensive. It was weakened because Republicans insisted on various changes that would help the rich at the expense of the poor. All of the alternatives they've presented are much worse than what we have now, and result in many of the most at-risk people losing their healthcare. I can go into the travel ban and everything too, but I'm just testing the waters for now. You should know that I am not trying to attack you. I'm only trying to present facts you may not have already known about. Last time I tried to do something like this, I got in trouble for insisting that there is such thing as objective reality; I'm hoping it doesn't go that route again.
  11. Last movie you watched?

    The last movie I watched was Star Wars: A New Hope. My sister's boyfriend had never seen Star Wars before, and as a big fan of the franchise, I took it upon myself to fix that problem. Obviously it's an amazing film; it's an all time classic. One of my favorite films ever. If you haven't seen it, get on that.
  12. Quick update on some things

    The song in Guitar Hero is "I Gotsta Get Paid." Not a bad song. I listened to some more of their stuff while working on errands but I didn't pay enough attention to note specific songs. I can't really interpret anything from that. But I am considering possibilities. I also got some basic stuff to start putting together a small "shrine" so that will be interesting.
  13. This is just a quick post about a couple of things that came up today which may be related to my connection with Pan. First off, I sometimes talk about musical coincidences on this blog, and I've theorized that these may be a way for Pan to communicate with me. I never claimed it was likely, mind you; just a possibility. But if that is what they are, he gave me a big one this morning. In the span of 3 or 4 hours, in completely unrelated and unconnected situations, ZZ Top came up three times this morning. Once in a random YouTube video, once in Guitar Hero (in a part where the song wasn't my choice), and once on a Wikipedia page for a different musician. I don't really listen to ZZ Top, so there's no connection I can really make. Maybe he wants me to, but I think a more believable interpretation of all this is that he wants me to know he's paying attention. I still think it isn't super likely, but if any musical coincidence has ever had a deeper meaning, it's this one. The second thing is something that came up in some research I was doing today. Pan was actually worshiped in Egypt. He went by a different name (Mendes, I think) but there was definitely some worship of Pan happening there. I've known this was a possibility and considered evidence that might point in that direction in the past, but this is the first really firm evidence I have. And given the things that have tied me to ancient Egypt (the past life memory and the feelings at the museum), that not only provides more evidence that my past life memories might be accurate, it also suggests that I may have lived in Egypt in that past life. This is a big step. I'm spending a lot of time today working on figuring out myself and my connection to Pan. So far I think I'm making some good progress. All I needed was a couple of hours to dedicate to it for it to not seem so nebulous and overwhelming. I'll likely have more to report later.
  14. Fantasy Generator

    My birthday is January 28th, which would make me a Centaur Dancer. So you know, pretty much the most fitting thing possible. Does whoever made this image frequent this site? :-) Kidding aside, what are you? And does it make sense?