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Gryff last won the day on September 19

Gryff had the most liked content!

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About Gryff

  • Rank
    Uber-Geek Fauntaur

Personal Information

  • Gender Identity
  • Gender Expression
  • Preferred Pronouns
  • Sexuality
  • Antisexuality
  • Hobbies
    Video games, tabletop games, writing, music
  • Favorite Games & Video Games
    The Legend of Zelda, Fallout, Dungeons and Dragons, Fantasy Craft, Magic the Gathering, Pokemon
  • Favorite Sports & Teams
    Chicago Bears (American Football), Chicago Cubs (Baseball)
  • Religion
    Jewish (cultural)
  • Personal Spirituality
    I believe there's probably some higher power up there, and I get the feeling it doesn't like me

Other-than-human Identity

  • Primary Identity
  • Other names
    Jake (real name), Goron (nickname)

Otherkin Identity

  • Kin Name
    That would be "Gryff"
  • Kintype(s)
  • Kintype(s) Description
    I made up the term "fauntaur" because I don't know exactly what I am, but I am confident in some things. Essentially a fauntaur is a creature that is human on top, with the lower body of either a four legged horse (i.e. a centaur), a two legged goat (i.e. a faun), or a four legged goat. It may also be a demon, which in this case means a powerful and malevolent being.
  • Time of Awakening
    Around 2000
  • Personal Otherkin Experiences
    I don't really shift, and in fact, outside of TUF (see below and in my signature for what that means), being kin doesn't affect my life much. My biggest focus is on trying to figure out what I am, which has been a harrowing 15-plus year experience that's still ongoing.
  • Personal Awakening
    I was always obsessed with transformation growing up, and I would sometimes face periods where being human just felt so distressing for me. I would give anything to not be. So when I was somewhere between 10 and 12, even though I was smart enough to know that it was stupid to do so, I looked online for websites about physical transformations. In my results I found an otherkin forum, and it just felt like the explanation I was looking for.

Recent Profile Visitors

1311 profile views
  1. I've been thinking about something. As discussed on the forum and my last blog post, I've started looking into the methods other people have used or recommend for communicating with Pan. But pretty early in this process, a thought came to me: am I doing this all wrong? I mean, this is Pan we’re talking about. His domain is music, nature, and to be blunt, sex. These things, at least as far as Pan is concerned, are free and unrestricted. That's kind of his thing: being free and wild and expressive. So I have to wonder, is an education-based approach the best way to connect with him? Following a set process seems like something he would be against. That's not to say it isn't useful to get information, but when it comes down to it, I wonder if maybe I need to make the connection in a more open and personal way. Maybe I need to use my own self expression. This is something I've already started doing. I even wrote a freeform “letter” to him yesterday. My success with these methods has been limited to say the least, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Still, there's another side of this too: I want to make sure I'm not using this as a cop out, you know? I have mentioned how overwhelming this stuff gets. With an already concerning lack of time and focus, having a bunch of new ideas and possibilities to look into can backfire on me hardcore. So it's nice to think that I don't need to look at it, and should instead keep doing what I'm doing, even when it doesn't work. It's easier. But I do need to expand my horizons if I want to make progress. I can't just sit in my bubble. As with so many things, I think the key is balance. I was mulling this over before, and then it really hit me when I looked over the advice I've received on the forum from Gryn and Opposumblossom and others. The key is to find out what other people do or suggest, and adopt the things that feel right to me. Forcing myself to try things that don't feel right won't make me happy, and it won't make Pan happy. That's not his style or mine. And there are already suggestions that speak to me. Making a small “shrine” to Pan for example seems like the kind of thing he would appreciate and that would help my connection with him. As I explore possibilities I'm taking note of what seems right. One more thing, not directly related. There's something that seems to keep coming up. It's a particular movie, and one part of the movie in particular. It's been over a long enough period of time that I probably wouldn't think much of it if not for the particular section and the fact that it's happening while I'm thinking about Pan. The movie is Pinocchio, and as you can probably guess, it's the Pleasure Island part. Forced transformation is already part and parcel of it. If there does happen to be meaning behind it, if by some unlikely chance this coincidental reappearance has to do with Pan, I'm guessing it has to do with the nature of my transformation in my past life. I have two theories on this. First, it could be suggesting that my transformation wasn't forced immediately; it could be that I found myself transformed when I began to indulge in faun-like feelings and situations. It could be that this was what Pan wanted; maybe it goes back to my old theory that he was responsible for my transformation, because he wanted me to be a faun for some reason. The other theory is more important though. Let's remember the true horror of Pleasure Island: these boys were being turned into donkeys to be used for labor, or at least that's the implication. It goes back to the “transformed to be used” think that keeps coming back. The resonance for that has been particularly strong lately in general. Maybe Pan is trying to tell me something but more likely my working theory is changing. The resonance is too strong to ignore. It always has been; I don't know why it hasn't always been part of my working theory. I think in my past life, I was transformed to be used. I do have alternate interpretations for this resonance, but this is where things are leading me. This doesn't necessarily mean my transformation wasn't caused by Apollo, or Pan, or a djinni; that could still be part of it. But that's not the blank I'm most interested in filling. As I've discussed before: it seems unlikely that someone would be transformed into a fauntaur to be used. Fauns are free spirits; outside of a Changeling sort of situation it wouldn't make sense. It is possible, but it's also possible that I was transformed into an animal first. What would logically follow would be that Pan then transformed me into a faun, but who knows. There is a lot to unpack with this, and I will keep doing so. But that doesn't mean I'm planning to stop focusing on Pan. It is possible that my attempts at connecting with Pan have played a role in my newfound clarity about this, however unlikely. This question will stay in the midground for now; Pan is still the focus, at least for a while. That’s where my feelings are leading me right now.
  2. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Your advice actually feels more fitting to me than what I've found from a lot of external sources. And as the blog post I'm currently working on will explain, I think I need to focus on things that feel right to me. Thanks again; this will definitely help.
  3. Seduced by his spirit once again

    Thanks as always, Gryn :-)
  4. Interesting...that also makes sense. It does sort of fit what I've been experiencing as well.
  5. Seduced by his spirit once again

    Conservative is definitely not my style. But thank you for the info; I will check it out. I continue to appreciate any info anyone might be able to offer.
  6. Twin Flames

    I've been silent on the forum for a while, so I'm sorry if this has been explained elsewhere, but what do you mean by "twin flame"?
  7. Follow your nose!

    I really like vanilla. It has nothing at all to do with my kin type; it's just a good smell. Fruity smells are good too.
  8. I've played around with this idea of a God's power being determined by the strength and number of their followers, though it was in a fictional setting. But the idea does kind of make sense if you believe in ancient gods; after all, there has to be some reason they aren't as active today as they once were.
  9. As I've discussed plenty in my blogs, I've been exploring my connection with the Greek god Pan. I'll give you the quick and dirty version here: my current theory is that I had a close relationship with Pan in my past life. I believe there may still be some small connection in this life, some obscure method of reaching out to him, or vice versa. I know there are people out there who worship or follow Pan nowadays. Or if not Pan directly, another similar entity, such as the Horned God. I am curious as to whether any of those worshippers are here. And if so, if they could provide any advice that might help me make contact with Pan. It's a silly idea, I know. But I feel something there, And I want to try as much as I can.
  10. Another week, another lack of meditating. Well, mostly. I did meditate once this past week. I'll get to That. But first, I've decided to focus my meditation on Pan again. I have a feeling that the answers to my other questions might be related to him. Consider the centaur connection for example. Perhaps the difference between a fauntaur and a faun, and the possible ability to change a fauntaur’s shape, is related to my relationship with Pan in my past life. I had an image in my head of our relationship being similar to Merlin and Arthur in The Sword in the Stone. I don't really have any basis for that idea other than a random thought though. I was focused on Pan during my most recent meditation session. I was hoping I might be able to come up with some idea of how to get a better connection with him in this life, assuming such a thing is possible. This came in part due to a suggestion from Gryn when I mentioned I was worried that jealousy would make it unwise for me to read about other people’s experiences with Pan. Maybe if I could figure out what I should do I wouldn't be jealous. I didn't really come up with anything, unsurprisingly. I didn't really think I would find anything of use inside my own head, nor did I expect any sort of easily recognizable message from Pan. It was, if anything, just to open myself a little bit more to whatever tiny connection might already be there. I didn't find anything of note, but I did find myself imagining something kind of interesting. I imagined a scene in the same sort of Arabian setting as my past life memories. Suddenly, I found myself transformed into a horse, or something. As I tried to come to grips with this, I soon found myself turned into something else entirely. Soon, Pan revealed himself as the source of all this, laughing as he continued. There are a few ways I can interpret this “vision” for lack of a better term. It's not a legitimate past life memory; that would not make a ton of sense, especially as that was not the focus of this meditation session. It's more a representation of what's In my head, I would think. One interpretation is that it's just a random daydream based on my thoughts about my relationship with Pan. But it could also represent my concerns about that relationship. It wouldn't be the first time I considered the idea that it wasn't entirely a good connection. One of the big keys of my past life resonance is that something happened against my will, after all. So maybe my own worries are holding me back. I don't know. But even if I am concerned, I'm determined to solidify that connection, or at the very least fully understand It, if it even exists. There was at least something there in another life. When I think about Pan there are certain feelings, many layers of feelings, that don't make sense otherwise. My current theory is still that we were very close (if you get my meaning), and once in awhile feelings come up which support that idea. But whatever it was, and whatever it may or may not be now, I want to know. So, I'm going to seek help. Another suggestion from my always helpful friend Gryneos was to talk to some wiccans. From what little research I've done, some worship Pan specifically, and others worship the Horned God, who is quite similar to Pan. I did find that Pan flute in an “occult” shop, after all. Mayhaps there are people on this site who can help me. The biggest challenges, as always, are time and focus. Focusing on things like this without my ADD medication (which I generally only take on work mornings) is incredibly hard for me. And of course, time is always a limiting factor. But I'll do my best. In closing, an interesting fact. My boyfriend’s favorite band happens to have a song about Pan. The band is called Inkubus Sukkubus which is itself a connection. What are the odds? Regardless it's a gold mine of post titles.
  11. The Let it All Out Thread

    I'm getting really pissed off at my boss and my coworkers. They always tell me that if I'm not certain about something, I should ask. They get pissed off about the most minor of mistakes. But when I do ask them questions, they get visibly annoyed almost every time. What the hell do they want from me? I get it, I don't perfect things as quickly as others. It's part of my ADHD and it isn't fun. But you know what? I can't help that. And I told them about it day one, so it isn't like they can claim they don't know. They just don't care.
  12. I don't have time for anything, it seems. And when I do have time, I don't have the focus or energy to do things I should do. That's not to say I'm always working or anything like that; a lot of my time is spent with friends, family, and my boyfriend. But between all of that and work, I have very little time for myself. And even when I do manage to get some, it's limited enough that I have to make tough choices about how I want to use it. Often I choose to do something fun, to engage in an aspect of one of my hobbies that I need to do alone. So that leaves little time for meditation and research and other things that help me learn about and connect with my kin type and past life. In truth, everything is messed up right now. I can’t focus at work, and it's hard for me to go a single work day without half wanting to jump out the window out of boredom. I don't like asking questions at work because people seem to keep getting annoyed with me when I do, but there's so much to deal with and keep track of that I have to ask. So I spend some time just sitting and staring at something to work up the courage and energy to ask about it. Sometimes I just let things wait and find something more straightforward to deal with, but I can't keep doing that. I'm running out of straightforward stuff. Meanwhile,what I like to call my “game panic” kicks in. It's kind of in overdrive right now, with so many games coming out soon and so little time to actually play anything. I spend so much time going back and forth with myself about what I want to play when, even knowing that I'm not likely to start something new until there's a new game that really excites me. But I worry about thinks like mixing genres and how long a game is and how long it's been on my backlog. I don't know why I get worked up like this. So with all of this going on, time and focus for meditation and the like have been limited. It's mostly been out of my head for a while. I just have too many other things on my mind. But it's not like I'm satisfied with what I've found and the connections I've been able to make. There's still a ton to do. So I guess I'm going to have to make time for it. And energy. At least, as much as I can. I still want to focus on Pan and the centaur connection. I think maybe one could help with the other. I still don't know where centaurs connect with what my kin type is, only that there is something. Maybe it's a separate kin type, for all I know, but I don't think so. Maybe it has something to do with Pan. I'm only spitballing here, but what if there was some sort of transformation situation involved in my “apprenticeship” to Pan. I’m picturing something akin to Merlin and Arthur in The Sword in the Stone. Perhaps shapeshifting was not an inherent ability for a fauntaur, but could be learned, or granted. But in this 100% off the cuff imagined situation, I imagine he wouldn't let me shapeshift into a human again. Remember, my best guess at this point is that I was transformed into a fauntaur against my will by some powerful being, possibly Apollo, and that Pan wanted to teach me how to be a fauntaur. Letting me become a human again would very much go against that purpose. I don't know if any of these ideas are even close to the truth, but there is definitely something to be said about my relationship with Pan and the feelings associated with it. Even just coming up with random ideas like that is something I haven't been able to do in a long time, so I'm glad I decided to take some time for it here. The rest, I just have to keep working on. Even one meditation session will be better than nothing. But I don't think there's much that can help with this situation until my overall situation improves. I don't know what exactly I need to do. But the sad thing is, I don't know if there really is a solution. The thing with depression (the source of my anxiety) and ADD is that even when treated, they're still a big problem. Treatment just makes it so they aren't debilitating. I'm glad I was able to get this update out at the very least. I am still around, but I don't post on the forum much. I just don't have a ton of time or focus. But if anyone wants to talk to me, I'm here.
  13. I'm not...

    My kin type comes from mythology, but I don't consider myself fiction-kin
  14. Games with level editors!

    Many of the Tony Hawk games let you put together your own skate park. You can also create your own arena in WWE2K16 and later games.
  15. Strangers Like Me

    I would have figured that you'd be more interested in Pastoral Symphony :-)