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Addy last won the day on October 3

Addy had the most liked content!

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About Addy

Personal Information

  • Occupation
  • Hobbies
    Playing Rift, rambling about soulbonding, gushing about my system partner
  • Gender Identity
  • Preferred Pronouns
  • Sexuality


  • Primary Identity
    Plural System
  • System Account
  • Kintypes
    Cat... of some sort
  • *type Description
    Could be a house cat, could be some sort of catgirl. Likely Siamese of some kind.
  • Shifting Experiences
    Phantom Shifting
    I don't shift: I'm a Vacillant therian

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1265 profile views
  1. So I woke up at 7am yesterday, and was surprisingly NOT super tired all day. I actually felt like I got enough sleep. Unlike today, when I am so tired even tho I woke up on my own, without an alarm, and went to bed early. My psychiatrist was really shocked and concerned when I told her about my boyfriend passing away. She did not act like it was something I would just get over. I told her and she kinda grabbed her chest and went "Oh my god!" She asked if it was unexpected. It was VERY unexpected. He was on vacation. No one saw this coming, and that makes it harder I think. Because it was so unexpected. But she acted like this was a huge deal, unlike my therapist, and shes increased my medication because my depression and anxiety is so much worse now. I like my therapist, but she seems to think I should stop grieving soon, and grieving is different for everyone. My system husband, Nate, says its likely because it was an online relationship, and a lot of older people don't get just how important those are for some people. My entire life is online, so this is completely devastating for me. But at least my psychiatrist took it seriously and increased my meds. I don't know when I will have grieved enough, which is something my therapist asked me weeks ago. Its not even been two full months yet (almost). I'm still crying sometimes. My moms boyfriend died back in February and she still has moments where she cries. I said that when I get to a point where I can talk about him or think about him without crying or even wanting to cry, then I will have grieved enough. But right now, I am still grieving. I still break down crying sometimes. I miss him. I feel like I'm still just waiting for him to get online, but I know hes not going to, and thats hard. I guess we'll see how the increase in meds works out for me.
  2. Addy


    I have no tips, other than finding someone who can at least accept that part of you. My physical world boyfriend passed away a couple months ago, and I have no desire to ever find another one. But IF I did, I would never date someone that couldn't accept my soulbonding and be okay with my soulbonds. The kin stuff is so minor for me, it prolly wouldn't come up much, but I'd want them to accept that as well. My boyfriend accepted all of it, even tho he was not kin or a soulbonder himself. I won't even be friends with people who don't/can't accept it. This limits my friendships (I really don't have many true friends) but I feel its much safer for me this way.
  3. So I missed a day somewhere. I think it was Thursday. I thought today was Sunday, but its Monday so I was really confused. The webcomic I read was updated on Thursday, I checked it on Saturday, thinking it was Friday, though I was surprised that it had been updated. So I thought Saturday was Friday, and Sunday was Saturday. When I went to bed last night I thought it was Saturday night, and today would be Sunday. My days have been all screwed up lately. On top of that I'm a bit ticked off (actually more than a bit) about an upcoming appointment. I was supposed to have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday afternoon. Well they called today cause they messed up and she won't be there in the afternoon. Shes leaving on vacation until Feb. So they had to reschedule me for Wednesday morning. So I had to call my Medicaid ride to change my pick up time with them, and now I have to get up at like 7am that morning. I am NOT a morning person. I woke up at 11am today and felt like that was WAY too early for me. Wednesday is going to suck. I'm still depressed, but I'm not breaking down crying as often. Mainly I just cry if I talk or think about him too much. I cry for the future we could have had together, my future, that will never happen now. I'm gonna be depressed for a really long, long time, even if outwardly I appear to be "okay". I plan to tell my psychiatrist all about it. I might have gotten a partial EVP the other night. On my Dream Talk app, after I told him goodnight, theres a pause, then it sounds like someone tried to say "goodnight" but it got cut off. I still have no explanation for those footsteps. So here are a couple of the recordings I got. They are best with headphones. The first EVP I ever got. You can clearly hear a "Hey" then my chair makes noise, and then "I'm here." https://vocaroo.com/i/s1BBCZGM4Han The footsteps. It sounds like something clatters in the kitchen, followed by what sounds like footsteps of someone with boots on. https://vocaroo.com/i/s1HMoudZ2KNK They have both been enhanced to make them easier to hear. Those footsteps happened when I was asleep and home alone. I'm still trying to get more EVPs and stuff. I just want more and more proof that hes here with me, that he hasn't totally abandoned me.
  4. Addy

    Being Haunted? Help?

    Its hard to say. I believe I'm also being haunted, but I'm being haunted by the ghost of my boyfriend who passed away a couple months ago. You could try doing EVP recordings and see if you can pick anything up. Any kind of voice recording phone app will work. I have no idea how to deal with ghosts, as my boyfriend is the first ghost I've ever had around me.
  5. So I got another EVP last night. Its extremely faint, but there is a definite whisper of "Hey." I want him to say "Squish" but last night I was so upset that I told him that that point I would take anything. It had been weeks since I got an EVP and I was starting to get even more depressed. I just wanted to know that he was still here. There is one more weird thing. At 4:03am this morning, on my Dream Talk app, is the sound of someone doing something and walking through the kitchen. They walked around the kitchen a couple times. I was asleep and I am home alone. But that is most definitely someone walking through the kitchen. It was not the cat, because these are human footsteps. The other day I mentioned that I wished he would start doing more ghost stuff. That I wanted to hear random knocks and footsteps. Maybe hes started. I hope so. I hope he starts doing even more stuff to let me know that hes here. I cannot express to you how much I miss him and how badly I need him to be here with me. His loss is slowly killing me and the only thing that could comfort me, even a little, is knowing that hes with me. I want more footsteps, more EVPS, things moving that should not be moving, etc. If hes going to haunt me, he needs to seriously haunt me. Because knowing that hes with me, would make me feel better. I'd still be really sad, and I'd still cry a lot, because hes gone physically. I can't be with him the way I wanted to be. The way I was supposed to be. The future we could have had together is gone now, and that hurts. But if he was here, and I knew he was here, I could find some comfort in it.
  6. Addy

    Something weird

    I think the thing with the pendulum was the cat. When I woke up today, half the chain was hanging off the edge of the desk. It was pushed back on the desk when I went to bed. I have no idea why shes suddenly started messing with it, when she never bothered it before. Thats really disappointing to me, because I wanted SO bad for that to be a sign that hes still here with me. And now I feel like he might actually be gone.... and I dunno what to do anymore. I'm gonna start laying it somewhere else and see if she still tries to mess with it.
  7. Short post today. Something... odd happened. When I got up, my pendulum was laying in my chair. Which might not seem odd, maybe it just fell off my desk. But the spot it was in on the desk, would have made it fall into the floor. It would not have hit my chair. It also wasn't close enough to the edge to fall off. Also, it was stretched across the chair, as if someone had placed it there. It couldn't roll off the desk, because its not round, its actually flat. The cat could have pulled it off, but it was pushed back on the desk and shes never done that before. I also doubt she could stretch it across the chair, she'd have just pulled it off into the floor. Part of me wants to believe it was Aiden, letting me know that hes still here. And maybe hes still practicing touching physical objects. Maybe it is like the movie Ghost, where he has to learn to touch objects. If he is really here, I hope he starts doing more things. I want normal ghost stuff. Noises and more objects moving. I wanna hear footsteps or random knocks. I want doors to open and close by themselves. He could just swing my bathroom door open or closed and that would be enough for me. Well... not enough in the sense that I would stop looking for more proof. But enough to make me go "Okay, that was something. I believe Aiden did that." I will always be looking for more proof. Trying to get another EVP, playing with the EMF detector and the pendulum, etc. But that was an odd little thing today when I woke up.
  8. Addy

    More general things

    Aiden died in an ATV accident. It flipped over him several times. He was on a company cruise and they had stopped in Mexico, when he got on an ATV and it happened. I keep wishing that he had never gone on the trip, that he had just stayed home. We never even got a chance to meet in person, and if he hadn't gone on the trip, he could have gotten me up to visit him. I wish he had never gone. He was my best friend. My only truly close friend for 5 years, and now hes gone and I don't have anyone. I have "friends" but no close friends. Most of my friends are more like casual acquaintances than actual friends. Whether God takes people on purpose or not, I'm still angry, and I'm gonna be for a really long time. I feel like my entire future died with him and it just makes me so bitter and angry. I feel like my last chance at true happiness was taken from me. But I don't want to just start crying again, that seems to be all I do lately. I'm either crying or sitting here in a daze.
  9. Addy

    More general things

    Someone suggested something similar. Basically automatic writing, but thats never worked for me. I'd doubt that anything I got actually came from him. Or I'd wonder if it was a headmate that said it. After he first passed away, I was hearing thoughts that were things he would say to me. They didn't sound like him, they sounded like my own thoughts, but they were things I knew he'd say to me. But when my headmates talk to me, they also sound like my own thoughts too. I was actually raised Christian, but my faith is not like it used to be, because I've been SO angry at God for taking Aiden away from me. Cause I believed he was my last and only chance to have a physical relationship, which I need in order to be happy. So I've been pretty ticked at God, for taking away my last hope for a physical relationship, and the only close friend I've had in 5 years. Doesn't stop me from saying my prayers at night tho, and begging Him to just let Aiden be here with me and give me more proof that hes here. Cause I'm so tired of hurting all the time and being so lonely.
  10. I hate that a post title is required, cause I have trouble thinking of titles. I see my therapist on Thursday, and have to tell her that I've barely done anything. It took me a month to start listening to music on my phone again. I've stopped doing things online that I used to do. I bounce between this forum, my forum, and FB. Thats pretty much all I do, aside from check my email. And I don't do anything on the forums. So heres some more weird shit. I kept getting a high EMF reading around the foot of my bed, specifically the left corner. There is no reason my bed should be giving off an EMF reading like that. Someone suggested that maybe Aiden was just sitting on the end of the bed. The fact that it never seemed to move was odd to me, but okay. Well all day yesterday, there was no reading there. I mean, it was really low. So I told him that if he could sit on the end of the bed and make the EMF thing spike there again, I would believe he was still here. But I wanted to wait a little bit, cause I didn't know if it would take time for his energy to show up. So I turned the thing off and sat here for a while. Maybe 5 minutes or so, then I got up and tried it again, still a low reading. So I got sad, but walked around the room a bit. I got a high reading by the bathroom door, and I was like "I dunno what that is, but if you are not Aiden or Nate (my headmate partner) get the fuck out of my house." and the reading dropped. I went back to the bed and the thing spiked at the foot of my bed. So maybe I just didn't wait long enough for his energy to show up there. I really dunno how these things work. So I said I'd believe he was still here, but I still want more proof. I will always want more proof, until he says something on an EVP that I know for certain his him, and can bring me comfort. There is one thing he could say, and I will try recordings every day until I get that one thing. If I could hear him say the word "squish" it would mean the world to me. It would bring me SO much comfort and I would really know that he was still with me. He used to give me *squishes* before bed every night, that was something very special between the two of us. He also called me his Squishy. In other news, there is no other news. I never have anything worth talking about. Its just "Oh I'm so depressed. I miss Aiden. I want Aiden to be here. I need more proof. I'm so lonely." Therapist wanted me to try talking to new people, and I have, but its not helped me at all. I joined a friends new Disc server and met some people there, but its not helped. It doesn't matter how many people I talk to, I'm gonna stay lonely and depressed. And I imagine that Aiden is irritated with me for that. Cause I keep saying if I just get more proof that hes here, I can start trying to heal. Well hes given me proof several times, but I haven't even started trying to heal. I just remain depressed and mopey and unable to do much of anything. Don't like talking about headmates in a public blog, but who the frick cares, right? Nate said that he knows what I'm waiting for, but I'm never going to get it. I'm waiting for someone to come along and be like Aiden was. To give me the kind of comfort that he gave me. But no one can ever be like him. And even if someone could be sorta like him, I'll never meet them because I keep myself so hidden and closed off from people. Bleh... its hard not to be closed off from people. I'm just a closed off kind of person. I'm painfully shy and nervous, I have major trust issues, I'm scared of almost everyone that I don't already know really well. And even some people I do know really well. Its next to impossible for me to even get to know someone new, because I stay so closed off and feel like I just can't trust most people. Any new friends I did make would have to accept my SBing anyway, and that might be where a lot of my nervousness comes from. I can't think of anything else to post about.
  11. I'm still really depressed, but I talk about that SO much. Today is me and moms late Thanksgiving dinner and I have the turkey breast in the oven now. Everything at my aunts on Thursday had a burnt taste to it. Cause she spilled the turkey pan in the oven and it started smoking, then everything tasted burnt. Went shopping Friday night and got the rest of what I needed to get, then on the way home I thought "I need to video chat with Aiden and show him something." Then I got really depressed again. I spent the entire car ride curled up on my headmate partners lap in headspace. Last night I just broke down sobbing again. Thats gonna happen off and on for a long time. One of my FB friends (actually an ex) joined my forum last night. Hes plural of some sort and I told him if he was interested in talking to more people, he could join my forum. I just hope he doesn't slip up and offend anyone. He has a habit of sometimes referring to my headmates as my "other selves" as thats what hes used to calling his own. Dude, they are not "other selves". They are their own individuals. He said he knows that, but its just a habit. Well, I hope he doesn't do that to other people on my forum. Still haven't gotten any more EVPs, and doing recordings is hard here, cause the TV stays on 24/7 and my phone will pick it up. My phone picks up cars a block away. The microphone is very sensitive, but I guess thats good for picking up spirit voices too. I'm scared hes left or crossed over or something. I don't want him to. People kept saying I needed to let go eventually. No, I don't. And if its "selfish" of me to keep him here, then I'm selfish. I'd rather he be here with me, and me know that hes here, than me spend the rest of my life alone and wishing I was dead. I cannot deal with this kind of loss and depression. So yeah, I have no issue being selfish, if thats what it takes for me to be able to survive. Loneliness is a very hard thing for me to deal with. Loneliness makes me want to die, and I have very few friends. Definitely no one I'm close to. I don't know how to get close to someone outside of a romantic interest. Like, if there are no *snuggles* and *kisses* and stuff, I don't consider myself close to someone. So I don't have close friends. I haven't had any in a really long time. Headmates can't help with my loneliness. Some peoples can, and I envy those people, but mine cannot. Bleh, this is just more of me talking about being lonely and depressed. Food cannot get done fast enough, because I really want to eat. Also I want pie. I bought a key lime pie, thats my favorite kind of pie. I'd talk more about my headmates or my headmate partner, if these blogs were not public.
  12. Addy

    General things

    Its fine. I'm not very spiritual myself. The extent of my "spirituality" is that I believe in God, I believe in ghosts, and I view my soulbonding from a spiritual perspective. Thats really it. Normally things like ghosts and stuff would scare the crap out of me, but I kinda need my boyfriend to be here in some way, or I just cannot function. I've gotten a lot of "proof" that hes here, or at least was here (hope he still is) and I still can't really function. I'll likely spend the rest of my life miserable, and looking for proof that hes with me, because I can't seem to do much of anything else. My entire life has been shattered.
  13. I don't have much to update about, thats not just more crying about how depressed and lonely I am. I mean, I guess there are things to post about, but everything feels so meaningless to me. We had Thanksgiving at my aunts and I hated it. I hate being around people, especially right now. I say I'm lonely, but I'm not lonely for people in person. I prefer all of my friendships and such to be online. I'm mostly lonely for all the things that Aiden used to do. Being around my family does nothing to help my mood anyway. The boots mom ordered for me came today and they "fit" enough that I can wear them without hurting my feet. They'd be better half a size bigger, but its not a big deal. Was able to go grocery shopping this evening and got the rest of the stuff I planned to get. Then got depressed on the way home, cause I thought "I need to video chat with Aiden and show him something." I sat here a bit ago, just crying. Thats gonna happen off and on for a long time. I don't think I will ever be whole again, because a huge part of me will always be missing. I feel like I'm not just mourning him, I'm mourning my future. I believe, with all my heart, that he was my very last chance at a physical relationship. So I will be alone forever, and thats just going to make me absolutely miserable for the rest of my life. I need a physical relationship in order to survive and be happy, thats just how I am. But I will never get that now, and it makes my depression worse. I was already depressed before this. I was diagnosed with major depression. And now the depression has become SO bad that I can't do even half the things I could do before. I've lost interest in everything. I just sit here in a daze, bouncing back and forth between this forum, my forum, and sometimes FB. I chat with people on Discord, thats about it. But most of the time, people are either busy or they just don't want to listen to me cry anymore. I used to watch random things on youtube. Not anymore. I used to enjoy browsing the /r/tumblr subreddit. Not anymore. I did listen to music on my phone tonight, for the first time in over a month. I just feel like I'm not supposed to be happy or enjoy anything. Friend said thats actually common with people who have experienced a great loss. I know that Aiden would want me to be happy, and people talk about honoring his memory by living my life to the fullest, but thats really hard right now. Haven't been able to get another EVP, since that night I think he told me "Goodnight" on my Dream Talk app. I still play with the pendulum tho, and when it seems to work, it comforts me a little. So heres a list of the "weird" things that have happened since he passed away. 1) The first EVP that multiple people have heard. There is a very clear whisper of "Hey" followed by "I'm here." To me it sounds exactly like him if he were whispering. 2) The second EVP is another whisper of "Hey" 3) The toothpick. There was a toothpick laying on my desk. Just a normal wooden toothpick. One day I glanced over at it, and one end was raised into the air, as if someone was pressing the other end with their finger. There was nothing touching it. 4) The heavy breathing on my Dream Talk app. This app has never picked up my own breathing before and I do not breathe like that when I sleep. One night there was very heavy breathing as if someone was breathing right next to the phone. The phone lays on a stool not even close to me when I sleep. 5) Another whisper of "Hey" in one of my recordings. I thought perhaps he was trying to get my attention because he said that more than once thus far. 6) After I told him goodnight on the Dream Talk app, and then laid the phone down, there is a whispered reply of "Goodnight." 7) I believe he has caused an EMF detector to spike a couple times, tho I'm still unsure about this, and it doesn't seem very reliable. 8 ) The pendulum, that I'm still not even 50% sure about, because sometimes I feel like I could be moving it myself. It does not always work tho, and I feel like if I was moving it myself, I could just make it work every time. I've done countless tests with it, and there is a chance he may actually be moving it himself sometimes. I will continue to try to do recordings, play with the pendulum and EMF detector, and use the Dream Talk app when I go to bed.
  14. So we woke up to drama on our forum today. This post will be short, cause I don't have a lot to talk about. One of our trusted members posted and told another member that they should leave the forum, and they wouldn't be missed. That was totally uncalled for. So my SB partner had to issue a warning to the person. Whether she felt she was justified or not, that is something that should be brought up to a staff member, not just posted openly like that. That causes drama that I do not want nor need. I'm already stressed out enough. In other news, I was able to do a little grocery shopping last night, after spending all weekend thinking I wouldn't get to do any at all. Then I came home and ended up having a total breakdown and crying again. Thats likely going to happen off and on for a long while. I plan to talk to my psychiatrist about it next month. Twice now, I have heard what sounds like "Goodnight" on my Dream Talk app, after I tell Aiden goodnight. I've only heard it twice, its not every time, so I'm not sure what it could be. I have nothing else to post about. I haven't gotten stuff for Thanksgiving, and may not get to. We're supposed to go to my aunts for dinner that day, but I also wanted to make a small dinner for me and mom on another day. My aunt just doesn't know if we will have dinner on Thursday or have a late Thanksgiving because of her work schedule. Hopefully I will get to go to the store again soon. Mom and I will have a late Thanksgiving anyway. Thats it for this post.
  15. My conscience is a jerk, and won't let me do anything to enjoy myself. I've stopped doing things I used to enjoy, because if I feel any sort of enjoyment, I start feeling really bad about it. Like I'm not supposed to be happy or enjoy myself after something so tragic. Its stupid and I know its stupid, but I cannot help it. I feel like the longer I am miserable and unable to find happiness in anything, the more meaning his loss has. I know he would not see it that way, and hes most likely irritated with me because of it. But I can't help it. I'm not ready to move on yet. Its only been a month. I will be grieving for a very long time. I think he told me goodnight last night. After I said goodnight to him on the Dream Talk app, there is a whispered reply of "Goodnight". I thought maybe it was me, whispering goodnight to my SB partner, but I've tested the app with it right next to me and it does not pick up my whispering. Its never picked it up before. I've been feeling especially irritated and frustrated lately. A lot of its loneliness, but some of its also because people end up pissing me off when they are trying to help. Only one person agrees with me so far, that I may never actually recover from this. But everyone else seems to think it will get better. Because it got better for them or someone they know. That means nothing to me. I am not them. I cannot express to people how impossible it is for me to meet people, unless they come to me. It goes beyond just being shy. I am legit terrified of almost everyone I don't already know. Why am I so scared of people? No idea, but it may have something to do with my first run in with trolls 13-14 years ago. When I first discovered the concept of SBing and I tried to be really open about it, I ran into internet trolls for the very first time. And I think that kinda damaged me in a way, and made me terrified of talking to pretty much anyone. So now I just stay in my little hole and wait for people to come to me, but I'm still wary of people that come to me. I am so wary of everyone that joins my forum, that I pretty much think everyone is a potential troll until proven otherwise. Usually once someone posts an introduction, I calm down a bit. So, meeting people is especially hard for me, but no one seems to actually get that. Everyones like "Just go meet people. Go make friends. Talk to people." My mom went to my aunts for the night, so I have the place to myself. I cleaned the kitchen a little bit, don't feel like cleaning anything else. And now I am having the last of my wine, and cooking some mozzarella sticks. I will be having a cup of chai tea after I'm done with my wine. I don't know if I feel particularly frustrated tonight, just lonely like always. I had a breakdown last night and started crying again, but... I seem to be "okay" for the time being. I think thats it for this post.