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Cipher

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Cipher last won the day on November 16

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About Cipher

  • Rank
    Royal Wyrm

Personal Information

  • Gender Identity
    Agender
  • Gender Expression
    Femininity (weak)
  • Preferred Pronouns
    she/her
  • Sexuality
    Asexual
  • Antisexuality
    No
  • Interests
    Reading, writing, drawing
  • Hobbies
    Rock climbing, skiing, hiking, really any solo sport or activity.
  • Favorite Movies & TV Shows
    Forever, Daredevil, HTTYD, Pushing Daisies
  • Religion
    Christian
  • Personal Spirituality
    Officially Christian, but with a very heavy lean towards pantheism.

Other-than-human Identity

  • Primary Identity
    Demonic

Otherkin Identity

  • Kin Name
    Cipher
  • Kintype(s)
    Fallen angel
  • Kintype(s) Description
    Slightly curved horns, unfortunately stereotypical pointy arrow-headed tail, partially mobile ears, feathered wings. Aside from these characteristics, human body as preference although a traditional angel's true form would be included somewhere.
  • Time of Awakening
    2012
  • Personal Otherkin Experiences
    In one way, I'm frustrated because I feel as if I SHOULD be able to understand every language in the world, but obviously I can't in this life. It's more than just "I really like languages" it's a "i feel as if this feature has been taken from me."

    Then there's just a general pervasive and STRONG emotional connection and reaction that has been pointing to this one highly specific high-profile being nonstop for my entire life, so in that regard it was actually fairly easy to find my name--there was never a reason to consider anything else, because I already knew it.

    For example, one such emotion I feel is that whenever I talk about Lucifer's rationale for the Fall or anything else, I do not feel as if I'm literally playing Devil's Advocate with my argument; I feel as if it is MY argument in the first place; it's not just me arguing the same thing, it's the same argument, if that makes sense.

    I also experience some phantom shifts of huge feathered wings and the stereotypical horns and a tail. I never considered dragon, however, because even though I could probably say I'm dragon-hearted, I don't really see them AS me, they're much more a symbolic aspect of myself, plus the phantom sensations fit with bipedal humanoid anatomy.

    I immediately feel a connection with every representation of Lucifer in the media, but not fictionkin of any of them. There's always usually at least one thing about the portrayal that doesn't feel "right" to me, and I'm always slightly annoyed at it because I'm like "you're getting it wrong."

    Anyway, by the time I found the otherkin community I went straight to look at the demonkin/fallen angelkin tags and looked for shared experiences, didn't really see any because so many people believe in reincarnation and past life memories, neither of which applied to me, so I dropped it for a while but the tags kept dragging me back. At pretty much the same time as I made my blog I got involved on an otherkin forum, and because I know what not to believe on tumblr I didn't actually run into misinformation.

    There's little anecdotal things that I look on and grin, and I sort of have a memory-experience that I call "feelings"; mostly ideas of emotional reactions to events that help me pinpoint what I think the details of something are.

    I tend to recall these "feelings" by meditating on certain aspects of my identity -- why I fell, what I think hell looks like, etc. and the emotions involved with those. For me, it's mostly I remember emotions related to events, which helps me make sense of those events.
  • Personal Awakening
    I, personally, attribute my identity to a weird personal spirituality so I'm kind of an outlier in that I don't believe it came from a past life or incarnation. In summary, I believe that I have what I call a "shared soul" with Lucifer, as in the Devil. Somewhere out there, I believe he's still carrying on with whatever he's doing at the moment, but the same soul is shared across two physical bodies. In some ways I think there is personality crossover, in some ways not.

    How I came to find this identity kind of developed over a long period of realization. Perhaps the first real thing I can point to is watching the movie Fantasia; the Night on Bald Mountain sequence at the end was the part of the movie created and intended to appeal to adults. It was obviously darker, probably intended to be somewhat frightening for children--and I loved it. It was my absolute favorite sequence in the movie. I was fascinated by the display of casual power presented by the figure of the Devil at the beginning.

    In general, the villains are always my favorite part of a show/movie/book if they're written well; for me, this doesn't always mean "tragic backstory so misunderstood sympathy for the devil playing in the background"
    Like, Sauron is my favorite part of Lord of the Rings and the original Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty is still my favorite; there's a part of me that loves Big Bads with no redeemable qualities. But really any villain will do.

    Most significant feature in my identity, however, was definitely my reaction to this quote by Mark Twain: "But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian's daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?"

    My reaction to it was a cathartic one of overwhelming gratitude I couldn't quite explain with a simple "finally someone gets it". It was more than seeing someone else point out "hey it says love your enemies and doesn't this one count too?" it was more a sensation that it was meant for my ears somehow.

    My identity makes for weird religious beliefs, considering I'm still technically Christian and slightly pantheist, so my entire experience has pretty much been the epitome of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Vampire Identity

  • Vampirism
    Not a vampire

Contact Information

  • Tumblr
    lucifer-and-chill
  1. The "Canadian" wolf

    You might want to read this. Claims like that require evidence, or they're just a belief. Somehow I think the whole "magic fire breath" and "wings" thing would probably lead to dragons having their own unique scientific classification completely separate from lizards. You have repeatedly shown generalizations and misunderstandings of how science works. "Essentially lizards" is not the same thing as a lizard. Dinosaurs aren't lizards either, for example. There's more to what a lizard is than cold blood, scales, eyelids, and limbs. Limbs are also irrelevant, given the existence of the legless lizard. That is not why subspecies exist. No they weren't. Multiple subspecies of wolves are native to the US, including the gray wolf (also know as timber wolf), red wolf, arctic wolf, Great Plains wolf, northwestern wolf, and Mexican wolf. We've got plenty of wolves. Some of them are endangered, yes, but they haven't gone extinct yet. I just explained why humans cannot be divided into subspecies. We are already a subspecies. The color and facial feature differences you see are insignificant in terms of genetics. Green and brown anoles are different species. An invasive species such as the brown anole out-competes the green anole to the point where the green anole cannot adapt quickly enough to maintain its place in the environment, and can threaten the entire existence of the other species. By this reckoning, are humans an invasive species? Yeah, probably. But that doesn't mean we should stop trying to prevent other kinds of invasive species, especially if the only reason they're invasive is because humans introduced them in the first place. Ignoring invasive species because you think they're not as big of a problem as humans is irresponsible. We are the only creatures at this point that do have the power to try and undo some of the damage we've done, and that includes things like the control of invasive species, projects to clean and keep clean sources of water, protecting endangered species (even if we were the ones who endangered them, it's even more important then), etc.
  2. The "Canadian" wolf

    We are a subspecies of human already - Homo sapiens sapiens (the other (extinct) one was Homo sapiens idaltu). Skin color, over generations, can actually change drastically because of environmental factors unrelated to any actual genetics. Physical appearance differences (such as different facial features people associate with different races) even involve less actual genetic difference than between subspecies. Subspecies of wolves do have more distinct genetic differences. As of right now in science, as far as I'm aware, there's just not enough actual genetic diversity to subcategorize humans further like that. And actually, different species are determined by their distinct difference on the level of DNA. This difference does have a physical effect, which is why when we talk about different species of the same kind of animal (like big cats, for example), we might talk about how they look or where they live, but that's not why they're actually classified as different species. Defining subspecies is a little looser, but there is generally also at least a distinct variation in genetics.
  3. The "Canadian" wolf

    That is not how scientific classification works. Scale color is one (1) observable difference that leads to being able to tell species apart from physical characteristics. Other physical differences include physical variations in things like head shape as well as a ridge down the middle of the brown anole's back. Brown anoles also cannot turn green, that's something only the green anole can do (the green anole can turn brown, but it is green), while the brown anole...can turn slightly more brown. A subspecies is less distinct than a different species, and yes, often characterized by geographic differences! But subspecies are often isolated from each other because of their different ranges and do not interbreed regularly. A red wolf does not look like a gray wolf, you may notice. There are differences in size, coloration, habitat, fur patterning and structure, and range among all wolf subspecies. Really? I was under the impression that dragons don't physically exist on Earth. Dragons are not classed as "lizards" (a komodo dragon is not a dragon, sorry, that's just a colloquial name for it, the scientific name is Varanus komodoensis and the genus Draco is already being used by little tiny gliding lizards like the reptile version of flying squirrels). Dragonkin are not classed as lizards, either, those are humans who identify as dragons for non-physical reasons and they do not need to eat insects or fish. Neither do you, given that you're a non-physical spirit in a human body. Now you're just pretending there's any science behind this.
  4. Big Projects that You're Trying to Tackle?

    I'm working on my writing and looking into applying to masters programs in creative writing. I may end up taking a gap year, I need to meet with my creative writing professor and ask several of my questions to find out what might be best for me/best in general, but those are my future plans! Plus I'm working on my writing now, too, in case I do go ahead and apply this year I'll need about 20 pages of good stuff to offer as a writing sample.
  5. Interesting dream I had last night: once again, every actual dream shift i have involves this weird abstract dream-possible-only thing where I'm either two characters (human and Lucifer) at once or, as in this case, both in one. This time my dream character was human me, but with Lucifer memories and mind I guess and I think I was also my younger self (like 9-12 range, even more interesting considering that age involved some significant monster-self parallelism dreams), and I was I think a daughter of nobility at this random royal court, I couldn't tell you the location or plot though because dreams are like that; anyway the queen married someone new after the king died and he was a shitty king who was mostly there just to fulfill the role of there being a male in power because misogyny in this dream world apparently said queen was basically just husband of the king so okay. And so the new king dude was pretty useless, kind of drunk and had no real idea what was going on, and then there was this one knight dude who was obviously in love with the queen and also Looked Kingly and I was like eh yeah it should probably be you right? And at one point in this dream I was walking around and heard from a distance Kingly Looking Guy comment quietly to his friend, Another Kingly Looking Guy, that I walked like a king and dream self was like damn straight I am a king thanks for not really noticing since I'm stuck in small child girl form. Because the whole time during this dream I had been fully aware of my world as Lucifer and how I ruled, and dream self knew I could do a better job than the confused and worthless person on the throne. And how i felt about hearing that, with that warm moment of pride when someone says something like that about you, was exactly how I'd feel about it in real life so when i woke up i had to consciously remind myself that that hadn't actually happened at some point yesterday.
  6. Title automatically jumped into my head because of the combination of Lion King and this particular topic. Anyway, this is a thought I've been mulling over for about a week or so now I guess, but last week in one of my English classes we were looking at some of the writings by the 9th century Anglo-Saxon king Alfred the Great. Among them were excerpts from his law-codes. They're pretty standard stuff you'd likely recognize in a ton of medieval stories and representations. But as I was reading them, I felt desperate to try and pay close attention to them, to how they were written and structured, because all of a sudden I was struck with the feeling that this might be the closest I could come to understanding the laws I made/make as Lucifer somewhere else, even though Alfred's laws are human and can't come close to capturing the same understanding of society. Our professor moved over them pretty quickly, saying "we'd spend more on time on them, but this isn't a class in Anglo-Saxon law." They were just one small extract amongst the longer works we were also looking at. When she said that I thought, wait, no, I want more time with these. Even if they're just a tiny glimpse. It caused enough emotion within me then and now that I'm trying to find a way to categorize that emotion on the chart I'm recording for this month. But unfortunately, I couldn't quite fit every single possible emotion onto the wheel, I had to choose ten, and Longing wasn't one of them. But I think it's a kind of sorrow, so that is how I will track this emotion for the time being.
  7. Dreamlog 10/11/17

    I took several minutes this morning to try and recall the dream I had, since it happened early in the night and had almost been pushed completely out of my memory by the time I woke up, so I can't really remember what lead up to this point in the dream (there was more to it before), but this is a segment of it: In the dream leading up to this point, for some reason there was some "big bang" in the universe that happened again? And all the stars and stuff scattered out and I (as Lucifer) and another person, possibly human me, had wings and were just sort of hanging out in space not needing to breathe. And I said something to the effect of "Don't worry, everything is where it was before, it's not gone" and lead her through the stars to a planet that for some reason I guess was Heaven? And we dove through the atmosphere and started breathing again, and it was all a paradise with some random angel-constructed buildings/infrastructure happening across it. And I think I had the impression that because everything had started over but was still technically in the same place I was sort of sneaking back into Heaven to see how long it would take them to figure out I was there and kick me back out? Who knows, without the rest of the dream before or after that point I can't really try to sort it out any more.
  8. So since last year I wrote up my reflections on a year of being in the otherkin community, of course I should start a tradition for myself. My account here was created September 6, 2015. Going into the community, I had little understanding of myself beyond a basic thought process for what I'd been able to figure out beforehand. Seeing so many other people talking about their experiences really helped me put mine into perspective and better wording, and I'd like to think I'm still doing that today. This year, I thought I might reflect on some highlights of new writing and thoughts I've had in this past year. In April, I talked about what I believed regarding what it means for an angel to Fall. I said of it, "To fall is to break from God and therefore be cast into hell. This would be bad enough for an angel, because I see them as beings of spirit and faith; it takes more than a fleeting moment of pride to break that. It takes anguish and despair and a true breaking of the heart, a shattering of the very foundation of your being, to destroy something that powerful and pure." This puts into words a deep emotional pain I feel sometimes in my mental shifts, but always with the numbing agent of distance between my current self and that part of my soul. Of the things I'm glad I finally wrote down over the course of the year, I think this is one of the most important concepts that I had to voice. Every characterization of Lucifer that portrays him as falling from pride (because wah wah humans or wah wah I wanna be like God) has always fallen a little flat to me, and that includes Paradise Lost. I think that poem does a much better job at portraying the nuances of his/my personality, but it still takes a very orthodox understanding of reasoning. And to me, even if there are elements of truth in these portrayals, it has always struck me as simply not enough to cause that kind of change. So I felt I had to speak, to clarify that yes, there are elements of that pride in Lucifer, in myself. But there's also so much more an element of confusion, an element of anger at the nature of predestination, of an angel struggling to cope with their loss of faith and the extent to which that loss is killing them, the guilt and reluctance and fear and self-bargaining caught up in these elements. Those are always the parts of the portrayals that I am drawn to, because to me they are the most important, the key in this event, not a side dish on proud overdramatic ramblings. Further back, in February, I wrote about the more feral side of myself that I had been hinting at for a while in places here and there. I said, "The way I see it, Lucifer is an intelligent, sophisticated being. Clever, calculating. However, at heart there is still the matter that this being is inhuman. Something wild, untamed, feral. Something that is aggressive and predatory. Something that prowls and preys on humanity, both literally and figuratively." It was difficult for me to post this, and in fact it was not posted for almost four months. This delve into the feral side meant opening up about a part of myself that is frightening. If there is any part of this identity I'm afraid of, it's that. It's how talking about that kind of feeling might look to others, but it's also a very powerful aspect of myself that is so uncanny and inhuman that it does frighten me to acknowledge it. It's like the physical embodiment of all that rage and pain and hopelessness felt in Falling, the twisting of one kind of inhumanity to another, darker kind. And in a community with a whole bunch of monsters and wolves and dragons and lions, should I really be that afraid of opening up about that ferality? Nevertheless, it was difficult to write down, even more difficult to post, difficult reflecting on it again now. But important. It's taken me two years (six if you count the years before I was part of the community) to figure out some of the most important guiding beliefs and understandings of my identity. And there's more thoughts hanging out in my head, but like the feral side, I'm just not ready to write them down yet. They don't scare me, but their intensity makes it so personal that I hang on to them in private for a long time. So here's to seeing how these thoughts develop, and what you will see from me in the coming year.
  9. I did just want to let you know of all the Luciferkin I've seen you are... pretty much the only one believed, so I mean, not directed at you. Read a lot of your stuff because I was skeptical, and I do believe ya now, so, :thumbsup:. 

    1. Cipher

      Cipher

      Haha, thanks! And oh, yeah, it definitely makes for a lot of writing. Every time I make a post that details more of my beliefs or explores something that I haven't already talked about yet, or even just explains it better than I think I did before, I collect it and copy it into a big word-dump document for safekeeping. So far I have around 17k words written about it, all scattered around in different places and conversations I've had with people before.

    2. Nix

      Nix

      That's cool. Perhaps I should start up with that, sounds like a good thing to get together... Well, thanks for the idea, and have a great day! ^^ 

  10. Just wanted to pop in and comment that how you explained your dragonkin identity is pretty much how I experience my identity as Lucifer; I started calling it by my term of 'shared soul' at first, so that's what I stick to over something like parallel life as a description, but that is definitely the same concept!
  11. [This is an old journal entry I wrote several months ago, and have been debating posting ever since, but I figured I may as well. I wasn't sure if I liked how I wrote it at first, but eventually looking back at it I realized it didn't seem that bad to me. So anyway, here it is.] This begins, I suppose, with an understanding of where and how these feelings arrive. The way I see it, Lucifer is an intelligent, sophisticated being. Clever, calculating. However, at heart there is still the matter that this being is inhuman. Something wild, untamed, feral. Something that is aggressive and predatory. Something that prowls and preys on humanity, both literally and figuratively. Like the Assyrian lamassu, there is a form somewhere mixed up in all this that is something like a lion, something with wings, something that is almost-but-not-quite human, uncanny. Something that is at home in the darkness, wearing it like the fur of a big cat in the forest. There is something of that I feel, some remnant instinct and thought. Even were Lucifer to have a human shape, I still feel that inhuman-in-human mask. Perhaps it is a perfect parallel from that chosen form to the divide between human life and the other. The feelings I get would be similar on the other end as well, if more immediately relevant. And then there is the question of what those feelings entail. At its base, a lithe confidence. Casual revelry in those inhuman qualities of tail or wing or horn. Something in the eyes. Finally, something in the teeth, that twitches my lips into a not-smile, to flash fangs which are not there. A silent hiss from a cat-like not-cat. Your average (?) predator body experience there. But (not when I look people in the eye, because then I am reminded of myself as I am now), also a craving and thought of hunger. An imagination, a memory of taste, of the texture and feel of fangs sinking in and drinking. Not a vampire, not really. A vampiric not-vampire, searching out something else, something that tastes like the thrill, like the imagination, what tastes like breathing in clean air, only it fills you. A hunger and desire for that taste, which excites some feral side of my soul and frightens me because it is so at odds, frightening like the bird-like head twitch is frightening because it reminds me of something else lurking within, staring out, twitching human form into the uncanny, and I see this and know it is me.
  12. Library Changes

    @alderkin I definitely agree that divinekin-related articles are lacking. The issue with it is that it's such a large topic that covers so many different beliefs and cultures it can be tough to know where to start. I don't think a single generalized divine article would be able to do it. Plus there's so much debate on what exactly counts as divine or not, what counts as an angel, what counts as a demon, etc. etc. But an article focusing on non-Abrahamic or like you said angels with a mixed identity (speaking as said fallen angel that considers them the same thing as demons) is definitely an area that needs to be covered.
  13. Emote Suggestions!

    @alderkin If you click the emotes button, then click "Categories --> Wolves" to load the wolves emotes again, it opens up a larger scroll box! So it's a little hidden; my suggestion would be making all of them easier to find.
  14. Dreamlog 5/9/17

    So basically the dream started out and I was in like a Fire Emblem-type game? And I can't remember how I got to this point exactly but I was fighting a Big Boss who was this old dude who was the good guy but it's revealed he betrays you and he's actually a demonic weredragon thing (no not the actual Fire Emblem Manakete it wasn't the same) and he like. Grabs me and takes me down as he's transforming and because, you know, weredragon, he scratches me and cackles evilly and I escape and run away without killing him and am somehow transferred to vaguely Harry Potter-ish magic school. Apparently I came back from a quest and got transferred to the top class because my magic had gotten stronger for unexplainable reasons (i was a weredragon, that's my secret). In between Hogwarts and Fire Emblem I went through a vague attempt at a training montage with somebody else, where they tried to help me get some semblance of control over a bit of my weredragon powers. Essentially, weredragon = person who can painfully turn into a dragon at will and still keeps their conscious awareness of themselves in dragon form. And they can partially shift too, so part of my training montage was "ey, yo, drop off this highwire and catch yourself with your wings." And it worked, so I could partially shift at least. Then at the Hogwarts-esque side of the dream it was revealed that I had exactly 0 control over the full dragon shift because I kept trying to fight down the power completely. So every night I turned into a dragon, and had to escape the school and fly off into the mountains somewhere and somehow I kept getting beat up out there. My school escape plans were perfect, if someone woke up I froze and apparently people didn't think a startlingly realistic dragon statue in the middle of the hallway wasn't unusual. But anyway eventually the school admins (which included McGonagall and Lupin so this is my evidence for it being Hogwarts) started hearing reports of a beast out in the mountains, so they went and looked for it and started finding bits of evidence of my presence. One of the objects included this painted blue-and-white ceramic mask, which apparently all the students wore to go to sleep as if that image isn't at all terrifying. And because I was right there when they brought it back to school and I had somehow hurt like my entire left side, they started asking me questions. So I asked if I could tell my story to Lupin because he was a werewolf so he'd understand, sort of. And I did and that's about when I woke up.
  15. The Political Compass Test.

    Oh, wow! They certainly did! I took it again, and got the exact same thing, with only some minor percentage fluctuation.
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