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Cipher last won the day on July 19

Cipher had the most liked content!

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About Cipher

  • Rank
    Royal Wyrm

Personal Information

  • Gender Identity
  • Gender Expression
    Femininity (weak)
  • Preferred Pronouns
  • Sexuality
  • Antisexuality
  • Interests
    Reading, writing, drawing
  • Hobbies
    Rock climbing, skiing, hiking, really any solo sport or activity.
  • Favorite Movies & TV Shows
    Forever, Daredevil, HTTYD, Pushing Daisies
  • Religion
  • Personal Spirituality
    Officially Christian, but with a very heavy lean towards pantheism.

Other-than-human Identity

  • Primary Identity

Otherkin Identity

  • Kin Name
  • Kintype(s)
    Fallen angel
  • Kintype(s) Description
    Slightly curved horns, unfortunately stereotypical pointy arrow-headed tail, partially mobile ears, feathered wings. Aside from these characteristics, human body as preference although a traditional angel's true form would be included somewhere.
  • Time of Awakening
  • Personal Otherkin Experiences
    In one way, I'm frustrated because I feel as if I SHOULD be able to understand every language in the world, but obviously I can't in this life. It's more than just "I really like languages" it's a "i feel as if this feature has been taken from me."

    Then there's just a general pervasive and STRONG emotional connection and reaction that has been pointing to this one highly specific high-profile being nonstop for my entire life, so in that regard it was actually fairly easy to find my name--there was never a reason to consider anything else, because I already knew it.

    For example, one such emotion I feel is that whenever I talk about Lucifer's rationale for the Fall or anything else, I do not feel as if I'm literally playing Devil's Advocate with my argument; I feel as if it is MY argument in the first place; it's not just me arguing the same thing, it's the same argument, if that makes sense.

    I also experience some phantom shifts of huge feathered wings and the stereotypical horns and a tail. I never considered dragon, however, because even though I could probably say I'm dragon-hearted, I don't really see them AS me, they're much more a symbolic aspect of myself, plus the phantom sensations fit with bipedal humanoid anatomy.

    I immediately feel a connection with every representation of Lucifer in the media, but not fictionkin of any of them. There's always usually at least one thing about the portrayal that doesn't feel "right" to me, and I'm always slightly annoyed at it because I'm like "you're getting it wrong."

    Anyway, by the time I found the otherkin community I went straight to look at the demonkin/fallen angelkin tags and looked for shared experiences, didn't really see any because so many people believe in reincarnation and past life memories, neither of which applied to me, so I dropped it for a while but the tags kept dragging me back. At pretty much the same time as I made my blog I got involved on an otherkin forum, and because I know what not to believe on tumblr I didn't actually run into misinformation.

    There's little anecdotal things that I look on and grin, and I sort of have a memory-experience that I call "feelings"; mostly ideas of emotional reactions to events that help me pinpoint what I think the details of something are.

    I tend to recall these "feelings" by meditating on certain aspects of my identity -- why I fell, what I think hell looks like, etc. and the emotions involved with those. For me, it's mostly I remember emotions related to events, which helps me make sense of those events.
  • Personal Awakening
    I, personally, attribute my identity to a weird personal spirituality so I'm kind of an outlier in that I don't believe it came from a past life or incarnation. In summary, I believe that I have what I call a "shared soul" with Lucifer, as in the Devil. Somewhere out there, I believe he's still carrying on with whatever he's doing at the moment, but the same soul is shared across two physical bodies. In some ways I think there is personality crossover, in some ways not.

    How I came to find this identity kind of developed over a long period of realization. Perhaps the first real thing I can point to is watching the movie Fantasia; the Night on Bald Mountain sequence at the end was the part of the movie created and intended to appeal to adults. It was obviously darker, probably intended to be somewhat frightening for children--and I loved it. It was my absolute favorite sequence in the movie. I was fascinated by the display of casual power presented by the figure of the Devil at the beginning.

    In general, the villains are always my favorite part of a show/movie/book if they're written well; for me, this doesn't always mean "tragic backstory so misunderstood sympathy for the devil playing in the background"
    Like, Sauron is my favorite part of Lord of the Rings and the original Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty is still my favorite; there's a part of me that loves Big Bads with no redeemable qualities. But really any villain will do.

    Most significant feature in my identity, however, was definitely my reaction to this quote by Mark Twain: "But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian's daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?"

    My reaction to it was a cathartic one of overwhelming gratitude I couldn't quite explain with a simple "finally someone gets it". It was more than seeing someone else point out "hey it says love your enemies and doesn't this one count too?" it was more a sensation that it was meant for my ears somehow.

    My identity makes for weird religious beliefs, considering I'm still technically Christian and slightly pantheist, so my entire experience has pretty much been the epitome of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Vampire Identity

  • Vampirism
    Not a vampire

Contact Information

  • Tumblr
  1. So since last year I wrote up my reflections on a year of being in the otherkin community, of course I should start a tradition for myself. My account here was created September 6, 2015. Going into the community, I had little understanding of myself beyond a basic thought process for what I'd been able to figure out beforehand. Seeing so many other people talking about their experiences really helped me put mine into perspective and better wording, and I'd like to think I'm still doing that today. This year, I thought I might reflect on some highlights of new writing and thoughts I've had in this past year. In April, I talked about what I believed regarding what it means for an angel to Fall. I said of it, "To fall is to break from God and therefore be cast into hell. This would be bad enough for an angel, because I see them as beings of spirit and faith; it takes more than a fleeting moment of pride to break that. It takes anguish and despair and a true breaking of the heart, a shattering of the very foundation of your being, to destroy something that powerful and pure." This puts into words a deep emotional pain I feel sometimes in my mental shifts, but always with the numbing agent of distance between my current self and that part of my soul. Of the things I'm glad I finally wrote down over the course of the year, I think this is one of the most important concepts that I had to voice. Every characterization of Lucifer that portrays him as falling from pride (because wah wah humans or wah wah I wanna be like God) has always fallen a little flat to me, and that includes Paradise Lost. I think that poem does a much better job at portraying the nuances of his/my personality, but it still takes a very orthodox understanding of reasoning. And to me, even if there are elements of truth in these portrayals, it has always struck me as simply not enough to cause that kind of change. So I felt I had to speak, to clarify that yes, there are elements of that pride in Lucifer, in myself. But there's also so much more an element of confusion, an element of anger at the nature of predestination, of an angel struggling to cope with their loss of faith and the extent to which that loss is killing them, the guilt and reluctance and fear and self-bargaining caught up in these elements. Those are always the parts of the portrayals that I am drawn to, because to me they are the most important, the key in this event, not a side dish on proud overdramatic ramblings. Further back, in February, I wrote about the more feral side of myself that I had been hinting at for a while in places here and there. I said, "The way I see it, Lucifer is an intelligent, sophisticated being. Clever, calculating. However, at heart there is still the matter that this being is inhuman. Something wild, untamed, feral. Something that is aggressive and predatory. Something that prowls and preys on humanity, both literally and figuratively." It was difficult for me to post this, and in fact it was not posted for almost four months. This delve into the feral side meant opening up about a part of myself that is frightening. If there is any part of this identity I'm afraid of, it's that. It's how talking about that kind of feeling might look to others, but it's also a very powerful aspect of myself that is so uncanny and inhuman that it does frighten me to acknowledge it. It's like the physical embodiment of all that rage and pain and hopelessness felt in Falling, the twisting of one kind of inhumanity to another, darker kind. And in a community with a whole bunch of monsters and wolves and dragons and lions, should I really be that afraid of opening up about that ferality? Nevertheless, it was difficult to write down, even more difficult to post, difficult reflecting on it again now. But important. It's taken me two years (six if you count the years before I was part of the community) to figure out some of the most important guiding beliefs and understandings of my identity. And there's more thoughts hanging out in my head, but like the feral side, I'm just not ready to write them down yet. They don't scare me, but their intensity makes it so personal that I hang on to them in private for a long time. So here's to seeing how these thoughts develop, and what you will see from me in the coming year.
  2. I did just want to let you know of all the Luciferkin I've seen you are... pretty much the only one believed, so I mean, not directed at you. Read a lot of your stuff because I was skeptical, and I do believe ya now, so, :thumbsup:. 

    1. Cipher


      Haha, thanks! And oh, yeah, it definitely makes for a lot of writing. Every time I make a post that details more of my beliefs or explores something that I haven't already talked about yet, or even just explains it better than I think I did before, I collect it and copy it into a big word-dump document for safekeeping. So far I have around 17k words written about it, all scattered around in different places and conversations I've had with people before.

    2. Nix


      That's cool. Perhaps I should start up with that, sounds like a good thing to get together... Well, thanks for the idea, and have a great day! ^^ 

  3. Just wanted to pop in and comment that how you explained your dragonkin identity is pretty much how I experience my identity as Lucifer; I started calling it by my term of 'shared soul' at first, so that's what I stick to over something like parallel life as a description, but that is definitely the same concept!
  4. [This is an old journal entry I wrote several months ago, and have been debating posting ever since, but I figured I may as well. I wasn't sure if I liked how I wrote it at first, but eventually looking back at it I realized it didn't seem that bad to me. So anyway, here it is.] This begins, I suppose, with an understanding of where and how these feelings arrive. The way I see it, Lucifer is an intelligent, sophisticated being. Clever, calculating. However, at heart there is still the matter that this being is inhuman. Something wild, untamed, feral. Something that is aggressive and predatory. Something that prowls and preys on humanity, both literally and figuratively. Like the Assyrian lamassu, there is a form somewhere mixed up in all this that is something like a lion, something with wings, something that is almost-but-not-quite human, uncanny. Something that is at home in the darkness, wearing it like the fur of a big cat in the forest. There is something of that I feel, some remnant instinct and thought. Even were Lucifer to have a human shape, I still feel that inhuman-in-human mask. Perhaps it is a perfect parallel from that chosen form to the divide between human life and the other. The feelings I get would be similar on the other end as well, if more immediately relevant. And then there is the question of what those feelings entail. At its base, a lithe confidence. Casual revelry in those inhuman qualities of tail or wing or horn. Something in the eyes. Finally, something in the teeth, that twitches my lips into a not-smile, to flash fangs which are not there. A silent hiss from a cat-like not-cat. Your average (?) predator body experience there. But (not when I look people in the eye, because then I am reminded of myself as I am now), also a craving and thought of hunger. An imagination, a memory of taste, of the texture and feel of fangs sinking in and drinking. Not a vampire, not really. A vampiric not-vampire, searching out something else, something that tastes like the thrill, like the imagination, what tastes like breathing in clean air, only it fills you. A hunger and desire for that taste, which excites some feral side of my soul and frightens me because it is so at odds, frightening like the bird-like head twitch is frightening because it reminds me of something else lurking within, staring out, twitching human form into the uncanny, and I see this and know it is me.
  5. Library Changes

    @alderkin I definitely agree that divinekin-related articles are lacking. The issue with it is that it's such a large topic that covers so many different beliefs and cultures it can be tough to know where to start. I don't think a single generalized divine article would be able to do it. Plus there's so much debate on what exactly counts as divine or not, what counts as an angel, what counts as a demon, etc. etc. But an article focusing on non-Abrahamic or like you said angels with a mixed identity (speaking as said fallen angel that considers them the same thing as demons) is definitely an area that needs to be covered.
  6. Emote Suggestions!

    @alderkin If you click the emotes button, then click "Categories --> Wolves" to load the wolves emotes again, it opens up a larger scroll box! So it's a little hidden; my suggestion would be making all of them easier to find.
  7. Dreamlog 5/9/17

    So basically the dream started out and I was in like a Fire Emblem-type game? And I can't remember how I got to this point exactly but I was fighting a Big Boss who was this old dude who was the good guy but it's revealed he betrays you and he's actually a demonic weredragon thing (no not the actual Fire Emblem Manakete it wasn't the same) and he like. Grabs me and takes me down as he's transforming and because, you know, weredragon, he scratches me and cackles evilly and I escape and run away without killing him and am somehow transferred to vaguely Harry Potter-ish magic school. Apparently I came back from a quest and got transferred to the top class because my magic had gotten stronger for unexplainable reasons (i was a weredragon, that's my secret). In between Hogwarts and Fire Emblem I went through a vague attempt at a training montage with somebody else, where they tried to help me get some semblance of control over a bit of my weredragon powers. Essentially, weredragon = person who can painfully turn into a dragon at will and still keeps their conscious awareness of themselves in dragon form. And they can partially shift too, so part of my training montage was "ey, yo, drop off this highwire and catch yourself with your wings." And it worked, so I could partially shift at least. Then at the Hogwarts-esque side of the dream it was revealed that I had exactly 0 control over the full dragon shift because I kept trying to fight down the power completely. So every night I turned into a dragon, and had to escape the school and fly off into the mountains somewhere and somehow I kept getting beat up out there. My school escape plans were perfect, if someone woke up I froze and apparently people didn't think a startlingly realistic dragon statue in the middle of the hallway wasn't unusual. But anyway eventually the school admins (which included McGonagall and Lupin so this is my evidence for it being Hogwarts) started hearing reports of a beast out in the mountains, so they went and looked for it and started finding bits of evidence of my presence. One of the objects included this painted blue-and-white ceramic mask, which apparently all the students wore to go to sleep as if that image isn't at all terrifying. And because I was right there when they brought it back to school and I had somehow hurt like my entire left side, they started asking me questions. So I asked if I could tell my story to Lupin because he was a werewolf so he'd understand, sort of. And I did and that's about when I woke up.
  8. The Political Compass Test.

    Oh, wow! They certainly did! I took it again, and got the exact same thing, with only some minor percentage fluctuation.
  9. I actually wrote this last week, but I still have the date-stamp for it because I posted it on an angelkin forum so I'm titling it with the correct date of when it was written. It's an important piece of my understanding of my identity, which is why I'm cross-posting it to here. "(From my perspective and personal beliefs, which I will explain below.) Speaking as a fallen angel, I end up focusing a lot on my thoughts and beliefs regarding the Fall. Call it meditation, call it daydreaming, but whenever I go into this kind of reflection I always circle around to an image of speaking as my angelic self. And despite that self addressing topics and discussing thoughts that could easily be frightening, I feel absolutely at peace with finding my deepest voice from which to express those thoughts. That introduction aside, a brief summary of my beliefs regarding God (speaking as a Christian, sort of) are much more in line with pantheism. This is the belief that God encompasses everything and is in everything and is everything. In a slightly more narrowed understanding of this concept, my own personal beliefs are that God is the force of life itself, and all that goes with it. A summary of my beliefs regarding angels is that they are beings of intensely felt spirit and faith; these core aspects are as vital a part of them as a pair of wings to a flying bird. In a way, I feel the typical angel wings are a representation and manifestation of this spirit and faith. Moving on to the actual point of this post, I wanted to discuss my own thoughts regarding fallen angels in light of these personal beliefs and in the light of how I express these thoughts as my angelic self in meditation/daydreaming/mental shifting/whatever I'm supposed to call that. My thoughts are as follows: One interpretation of hell is that whether or not it is a place is irrelevant; ("why this is hell, and nor am I out of it" to quote Mephistopheles in Dr. Faustus) hell can be seen as simply being separated from God. To fall is to break from God and therefore be cast into hell. This would be bad enough for an angel, because I see them as beings of spirit and faith; it takes more than a fleeting moment of pride to break that. It takes anguish and despair and a true breaking of the heart, a shattering of the very foundation of your being, to destroy something that powerful and pure. And then there falls into this my belief that God is the force of life. To be separated from life is to die. And falling is, in my eyes, very much like a form of death."
  10. The Political Compass Test.

    Interesting, the 8values test must have gone through an update; my Diplomatic Axis previously said Pacifist but just now when I checked the link I posted it now says Internationalist.
  11. Hey there! Thanks for replying to my questions in the spirituality thread. I read your blog btw, and a) like the way you write and b) enjoy your descriptions of knowing how and why you identify as Lucifer. It seems, from your writings at least, that my perception that Lucifer isn't "evil" may be wrong, but I'd love to hear your feelings on this. I feel like he isn't necessarily malicious, but just has a different concept of right and wrong/punishment reward, or a different plan for things as G*d. G*d wasn't happy about this and cast him out. Although I haven't read past the first 5 books of the Bible (Torah), so if my understanding is wrong feel free to give me a schoolin'! Look forward to hearing from you!

    1. Cipher


      Personally, I feel that Lucifer is "evil" to an extent, just not as mindless and static a personality as was traditionally represented. That's why I like Paradise Lost so much -- it was the first work to show him with a complex, dynamic character that was more complicated and conflicted, and in that respect I feel it is highly accurate even as fiction. A main issue that comes up in the poem is the question of free will, and how Lucifer doesn't have any; he's predestined to be the Devil, knows that, and is frustrated at the inescapable lock on his fate so half of his big arguing speeches are more to convince himself that this was all his decision. "Walking existential crisis" is how I would define Lucifer, in summary. I feel he can be malicious, that part of his character includes that deep-seated hatred and wrath, but also with what you said and the differing concept of right/wrong or simply a different wish for his own life. I feel his Fall is less "someone else cast him out" and more that he did leave of his own accord, but the leaving broke him. I have some recent writings about this that I just put up on my blog for further explanation.

      Past the first 5 books, honestly most lore and theories regarding angels and fallen angels has to be extrapolated. The Bible's focus is humans, so it makes sense it wouldn't really delve into more specifics. Paradise Lost takes what little details are in the Bible and expands on them. But as the representation of Satan in later books of the Bible goes, honestly to me it has always sounded like someone who got saddled with the worst job, because he's always expected to show up for certain key moments. I wouldn't say your opinion on Lucifer is wrong, per se, just that it's not the only side to him.

      And thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed reading my writing!

  12. God/s you worship

    My understanding of God is also very pantheistic so I'm honestly not so sure how I work out with understanding prayer in that regard. I also do not count myself as deitykin, because I do not view Lucifer as a deity; I stick to the description of fallen angel, and do stick to the concept of him as "evil" to some extent (a more nuanced extent, but it's included nonetheless). And whoo, I'll have to give you the short answer to that question in the thread; if you want a bit of a longer version, you're free to message me! My identity came about as a result of lifelong nonhuman experiences, particularly phantom shifts and extremely intense mental shifts felt through emotion and personal response to certain aspects of the lore, and the gradual development of my spiritual beliefs all meeting up together. I address a lot of it in my KM blog, so if you want you can also read through some of that.
  13. God/s you worship

    @Gryff Hmm? Oh, no, it's fine! I don't mind, haha XD
  14. God/s you worship

    @alderkin Don't be shy! I don't bite. I'm completely welcome to people starting up conversations with me, I like getting to answer new questions and discuss stuff with others. @Paidia Haidou Ha, I actually didn't remember that was a trope when I chose my name, but I've definitely read tropes pages for a show/book/movie where it's used before and it's highly likely I absorbed it subconsciously either from encountering it in something I read/watched or have read the trope page for it, so I'm not surprised my mind automatically picked it out without my realizing it when I went for my username XD
  15. Increase Reputation Limit

    So, apparently you can only give out 5 reputation points (upvotes) per day. I do miss the full extended rating system from the old site, but if we have to keep this for coding/loading/social purposes, is there a way to increase this limit or get rid of it entirely? When there's a really good discussion going on, or just multiple good posts happening around the site, I find myself wanting to give them an upvote but can't because along the way to get through the new posts I've already given out the 5 maximum.