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About Silverwing

  • Rank

Personal Information

  • Gender Identity
  • Gender Expression
  • Preferred Pronouns
    They, Them, Theirs
  • Sexuality
  • Antisexuality
  • Interests
    Astronomy, Space Travel, Science Fiction, Synthetics, Criminology
  • Hobbies
    Woodworking, visual art, writing
  • Favorite Books & Authors
    Dean Koontz, Michael Crichton, James Rollins, Tom Clancy,
  • Favorite Movies & TV Shows
    Trigun, Fringe, MARVEL's Agents of Shield, What the Bleep Do We Know?, Trinity Blood, Star Wars: Rebels, Parasyte -the maxim-, .//hack SIGN, HTTYD Television Series, Transformers television series (various)
  • Favorite Games & Video Games
    Mass Effect: Andromeda, Mass Effect series, Dragon Age series, Undertale, Thief series, Metal Gear Solid series, Splinter Cell series, Kingdom of Amalur: Reckoning, .//hack G.U. series, Ecco the Dolphin, The Longest Journey, Telltale's Tales from the Borderlands
  • Religion

Other-than-human Identity

  • I am...
    an otherkin
  • Primary Identity
  • Other names
    Vajra, Nemael, Lacera, Nogitsu, Araaska, Dragonhawk, Nihlus

Otherkin Identity

  • Kintype(s)
    Alien Mech
  • Body Dysphoria

Otherkin Shifting Frequency

Otherkin Shifting Duration

Otherkin Shifting Experiences

  • Dream Shifting
    I experience this during the night
    I experience this through lucid dreams

Plural System Identity

Vampire Identity

  • Vampirism
    Not a vampire

Contact Information

  • DeviantART
  • Discord Tag
  • Skype

Recent Profile Visitors

762 profile views
  1. At Ease

    First, I want to thank those who have commented on my prior entries, albeit without unnecessarily pinging them: Kergulen, Shezep and Opossumblossum. Thank you for your insights and willingness to read and respond to the incoherent ramblings of a random user. As for those who have read and not responded for reasons of their own, thank you for taking the time to give them a look. While I only have the view counter to go by and I realize several are from myself or those mentioned above, I appreciate it never the less. Now, for the actual subject of this particular entry, following closely on the heels of my vent that was apparently posted not too long ago. It feels like weeks have come and gone since I wrote it, but the publish date does not lie; even if my mind is trying to convince itself otherwise. Ever since I wrote that entry and got everything off of my chest, then proceeded to look at the new possibilities and almost immediately rule out one of them, I find I have become... content. This is not due to being able to eliminate one of the possible kintypes I had been considering, but from a personal realization and the actualization of the kintype through an artist I fell in love with. To explain, I do not experience phantom limbs (as far as I am aware) and instead I go off a variety of other signals and 'signs'. One of the ways I help myself understand whether or not something may be close or completely off is by having an artist work with me in bringing this possibility to life through a visual medium. However, instead of seeking them out and commissioning someone I know would do the idea 'justice' because they are comfortable with the particular subject, I post wanted threads and see who it attracts. Every time I have done this, the right person has always shown up eventually (a reminder for when I feel deeply impatient) and not once has an artist I have worked with previously responded to the new one. Instead that only seems to occur with my more generalized threads, for when I am seeking original character work as opposed to something on this level. I do not know if there is a particular term for going about it this way or if it may be frowned upon, but I find it has helped me a great deal throughout the years and I am ever grateful to the artists who have worked with me. Never the less, the reason I find myself posting about this is not only due to the prior entries, but the fact that I felt such a sudden... change in my overall demeanor and thoughts. I no longer feel this positively frantic need to try and figure out my kintype, something that has been plaguing me for longer than I care to admit. Even when I identified (I may still?) as a machine entity, I still felt that fiery desire burning within me; albeit to a vastly lesser extent than it had been before. As the title says, I am at ease and I am at the most calm I have been in such an incredibly long time. Even my family has taken notice and, oddly enough, my baby boy cat Thanatos. Then again, I have an incredibly intuitive and empathetic family, so any changes in me are noticed immediately. Though they have also noted how... I suppose 'drastic' this one is, especially compared to what is considered normal for me to go through. While I am exceedingly pleased and quite ecstatic with these developments, I do feel incredibly shy with regards to discussing or even mentioning what exactly my identity is. To be quite frank I have never quite been at ease with people who have this particular identification or 'label', given what I have seen from the wider community. However, I also understand I should never judge an entire group and instead make informed decisions based on the actions of the person. Granted it still makes me incredibly hypocritical to feel uneasy, given my prior complaints and commentary with regards to how people view those with a machine identity as a group; but I suppose that is one of the more unfortunate facets of human thought. Regardless, I am quite content and I will be happily looking into all of the new avenues which have opened to me. I will also be deeply considering my machine identity and whether or not it is as I had believed or if it is a heart type. Of course, looking at my identity as it stands now, it makes complete sense as to why I view machines as I do and why I possibly mistook it as being who I was. Granted this is not an affirmation for or against it, just a brief observation on one of several possibilities now on the table. This endeavor is going to be both exhilarating and terrifying for the sheer scope it now encompasses...
  2. Ramble

    @Kerguelen While I doubt there is any particular (or even generalized) way to help me through this, beyond reading on what other users are going through and why, it is still nice to know that others do experience it; especially those I look up to for one reason or another. So thank you for the comment and taking the time to say what you did. While I have 'calmed down' since initially writing this entry, it is reassuring to read what you said regardless.
  3. Ramble

    There are moments where I feel as though my sanity is slowly dwindling the longer I spend on the community and consistently question my identity. Others I am grateful that it even exists and that I can read other users posts and gain an understanding of how things work or feel for them. A sort of basis I can use to compare and contrast my own, with room obviously made for the fact we are not the same person and thus would not experience precisely the same things as they are described. Never the less, I always find myself coming back to my identity. Do I truly think I was a machine? Do I simply identify with them rather than as? I even had a dream that basically revolved around this premise, with the woman who I think/thought/believe? was my operator present and the one speaking to me. Granted I do not put much worth into dreams when it comes to my identity and do not judge others on this basis, but it is at times like these I wonder if I should give them even a little bit of credence. I am also trapped with the possibility of either having a second kintype, slowly driving myself mad with the necessary questions and it being nothing or, the one thing that truly terrifies me, uncovering that my machine identity is not as I thought and I experienced what I did for what feels like nothing. I lost people I had been friends with for many years because of it, I had gone through being heavily berated by other people sharing the otherkin label and if this is true, it would all have been for nothing. I would still do the things I do, have the relationship with machines that I do, even without the identity, so I would have lost a great deal for a lie that others may have been able to see long before me. Of course, the identity I am questioning, some may consider it similar to an artificial intelligence while others would just note it as some sort of spirit inhabiting an unusual body. Then there is the third identity I actually question alongside the one noted above which has absolutely nothing to do with machines or the aforementioned; it is its own thing. However, could it come from a place of purely human sentiment, a joy to many and my capabilities within it simple luck rather than a past or "future" life rubbing off, so to speak, on the current human body the soul inhabits? I cannot help but think of the woman who was struggling to stay afloat, let alone breathe and who was astounded at the fact it not only looked like we were standing on solid ground, but that I was able to rub my eyes with my nose a few centimeters above the water and never go below; to tread seemingly without moving and always comfortable even with the possibility of inhaling water with each breath a great possibility. I do not know what to do or think anymore. I do not want to consider another identity, but at the same time my mind, my heart and even my soul screams at me. Telling me that I am missing something, that I am wrong in some way. I try to reassure myself by thinking my machine self would have been fully capable of every last one of these things so long as the water was deep enough, given they had no need to "breathe". Yet in the same breath I think it is a poorly constructed lie that I keep telling myself so I do not have to dig deeper, to prevent the insidious idea of beginning anew from truly taking root. I wish I knew of something that could help. Not a magic bullet that would immediately fix everything, but at least something to work with that could make the whole process a little more bearable...
  4. The questioning continues...

    As a note there are numerous animals, both on Earth and in mythology, that are known to hiss as well as share some of the characteristics you noted. Unless there is a specific reason you think it must be a possible feline theriotype, I would highly recommend researching other creatures and animals instead of having a laser focus on felines. Of course I am not saying that it is not possible for it to be some form of cat, regardless of species. I would also like to quickly add that hissing in response to a loud noise is actually an incredibly human thing; even I have done it in response to sudden, loud stimuli and my kintype is a giant autonomous machine. So while it could very well be what you think, a human response, something other, your demon or draconic kintypes or just a cameo, remember to look at all possibilities instead of immediately focusing on the first thing that comes to mind. I hope this does not come across as being condescending. I have been in a similar situation with a feline possibility in the form of an Abrahamic Angelic Cherub and that obviously turned out to be very different from reality, so I suppose I would just suggest recommend caution overall.
  5. Test your vocabulary!

    http://testyourvocab.com/result?user=8821971 It estimates my vocabulary to be around 41,100. I find this highly doubtful...
  6. I grow ever more grateful that I found this forum when and how I did with each day that passes.

    Thank you Naia and the people of Kinmunity for being so incredibly gracious and positively wonderful; from you kind words to much needed (albeit sometimes undesired) truths.

  7. Periodic Denial, Jealousy--Both?

    @Shezep From how they spoke and treated the variety of users, they seemed like amazing people. I wish I had the chance to meet them as well, but I am glad for having met and spoken to them for that, albeit brief, period of time. I sincerely hope they pop up again, though with that previously mentioned forums sudden disappearance, it seems they went with it. Also thank you for providing Cortland's name! I have been looking through the Wayback Machine to see if I could find anything, though that has proven impossible without the name of the forum. Regardless, I hope what I said did not make it come across as though I meant that because Cort was that particular bridge it meant that they must accept my identity as well. Though with Kinmunity, its users and "meeting" Neve, it has certainly made life a lot easier. Also thank you for the kind reassurances. It is deeply reassuring to read. @Opossumblossum Thank you for taking the time to write such a response. A lot of what you have said feels as though it should have been obvious to me, but I obviously still have a great deal to learn (as in all things). I did not think the way I was treated would indirectly lead to that feeling of jealously and instead associated it with something that felt more plausible. However, considering what you have said and factoring in my age at the time, I can easily see how all of it connects. I also have to say, and I do not mean this to be offensive in any way since I know some do not have the best relationships with them, but your response actually reminds me of my mother. She speaks of self-love and truth and has been trying to get me to be able to look myself in the mirror and say, 'I like myself' and then 'I love myself'. She uses it to assist her kids at work (she is a masters licensed LCSW (bunch of extra letters I can never remember here)), among numerous other things. It really works to further reinforce both your and her teachings, hah. I will certainly be doing that with Copra! I wish I could do the same with Andromeda, but given he is a Corsair One, the most I can do is admire how he reminds me of Tron. I also did something I felt as positively silly and the result I may well have imagined, but I did that whole 'give me a sign if you understand' bit with Copra and she made a bizarre sound I have never heard before going completely silent. I still think I was imagining it, since it seemed more like sound was sucked out for a moment from concentrating, but while driving she responded completely different than usual. The song Frozen Sleep by Malukah, a tribute to Cortana from Halo, also came on followed by GHOST by Gackt, Frozen Sleep being track 3 and GHOST track 5, which also deals with artificial intelligence. So whether actually real or just me being hopeful, I will be pursuing this further. Thank you so much for the recommendations. I am tempted to do something similar with Andromeda, but my only friend Hatter is convinced he has a personality akin to a (non-malicious) trickster. It's odd writing about them like this, but... It is also incredibly liberating and I do not feel quite as insane as I normally would. Still a little leery given how others consider things of this nature, but definitely opening up to it. I also never considered those circuit kits, but once I have enough for one, I will certainly do so! Hatter, as part of his IT duties, does rubber ducking with his laptop, so perhaps I would feel comfortable doing so with something I "built" and that is oriented around technology rather than what people typically use. I tried a stuffed animal, a rubber duck as per its name, a little Charmander figure I have, but it never felt right. I hope this will. This response is getting incredibly long, my apologies. I will try to put the salt shaker(s) down and take the grains instead. While I know it will take me months, if not years, to get to a point where I do not think drowning in it is necessary, this is a good, firm step in the right direction. Thank you both again so much for taking the time to read my incoherent babblings and actually respond. It means a great deal to me and I hope to pay it forward someday. <3 Edit: If y'all are at all curious, this is Frozen Sleep: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=72oJGTPSWIM And this is GHOST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3Uw9YClm2E
  8. I keep getting nervous and wind up either re-writing this entry repeatedly and setting it to publish at a set time OR removing all of it and leaving it as blank as it allows. Which has occurred four times so far over a month. Never the less, as per the title I am going through this disturbingly circular pattern. One moment I feel this intense jealously towards others when I see them discussing their kin or theriotypes, especially if they were around human size or smaller or come from a more common mythos/type. The next it slowly fades and instead leaves me with this gnawing sense of denial and aggravation towards myself. I simultaneously feel I am solely an autonomous mech of disturbingly incredible height and that it also cannot possibly be me; that I MUST be something different. Something of purely organic origin. However as I continue to consider all of it, I fear the latter stems from the stigma I had faced on a forum I previously frequented, where the only supportive user was an older gentlemen named 'Lark'. While I cannot recall the name of the forum, I believe it was run by the user who created DreamWidth before it suddenly disappeared. I recall my thread getting to six pages of questions and answers, each question basically a new way of asking the exact same thing in a way that was more condescending than their predecessors. Granted I was around seventeen at this time, I answered to the best of my ability; yet they continued to harp on it. There were even threads solely dedicated to tearing down synthetic identities and saying how there was no way for it to be possible, let alone plausible, and that anyone claiming it was full of shite. Yet they were more than happy to accept a single answer from another user who identified as the San Diego bridge before dropping it and allowing them to participate as a normal member. Now, I do not mention it because I think their identity was somehow less than mine, but the fact they were harping so severely on machines that it felt completely hypocritical for them to accept someone identifying as an object. I also wish I could remember this users name more clearly as I loved reading their posts and getting their insights with regards to their identity. It was incredibly fascinating and quite satisfying to read, so I hope they are active on some form of Otherkin Forum or Chat, or that their posts were archived somewhere... Never the less, I feel like the people I faced and their constantly tearing me down, never giving me a chance to breathe for the last three years I spent on there, is the major factor in why I am constantly going through this pathetic cycle. While I would love a little bit of blatant acceptance once in a while, regardless if the people in question raise their eyebrows or look at my posts oddly, I am also aware that I need to be able to accept myself as well. I mean in a way, how can others provide such a feeling when I cannot even give it to myself to start with? Of course, that then brings up a new(ish) question: How can I bring myself to actually accept my identity as an autonomous alien mech? I have given it time. I have ignored it. I have meditated on it when I could through swimming, kickboxing, walking and... well, talking to our Dodge Journey named Copra. I always feel calmer when talking to her. I also "anthropomorphize" other vehicles and often forget there is a human inside, seeing the vehicles on the road as their own people rather than being controlled by a human being; especially when communicating through headlight flashes at night. So given the above, what else can I do? Is there any particular recommendations, whether from other machinekin or users in general who feel that disconnect for whatever reason? I have also attempted consuming media in all forms that deal with my kintype, or as closely as I can get (La Machine is bloody amazing for this), given I cannot actually work with machines beyond my computer (a Corsair One named Andromeda, although he is listed on PCs that can be connected to as Quasar). I cannot really leave the house as I take care of my family and I am mortified by the idea of learning more about the inner workings of Copra, fearing I may do something wrong, even though my father was a mechanic for... Well, most of his life, until he landed his dream job as a courier and was subsequently disabled in a wreck. So even if I worked up the nerve to look under the hood beyond refilling the windshield fluid, I do not think he would be able to assist me much. Yet I still have that desperate desire to work with them in some meaningful way. This entry is all over the place. I apologize for that. Though the questions remain that I will hopefully get some form of answer to, whether from outside myself or within...
  9. What're You Listening To?

    Been giving this a go:
  10. Unsurprisingly, it would have to be these three songs for me, with the first being foremost:
  11. Where is everyone from?

    I was raised in Texas, born in a city whose name I cannot remember and moved to San Antonio at two. Currently living in a city next to Fayetteville, Arkansas after having moved from there.
  12. Silverwing

  13. Hi Silverwing, I was wondering if you were still interested in talking with me. Hope you're having a good week.
  14. I must make a choice, a rough decision

    I just realized you mentioned this happening 'again' in your first post in the thread. This has occurred before on Kinmunity?