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Charias

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Everything posted by Charias

  1. Aghh why do my ph-shifts have to be so weird-- like, partial wolf, okay, fine! Even with the wolf feet! Awkward but fine! But then spirit kintype's like "nope, too mundane" and now I have fricking some kind of limbs sticking awkwardly out of my back and I have no idea what they are and at this point I don't even want to know,,

    Why, why do I gotta be this way.

  2. AKA the thread I made so I have an excuse to talk about my precious doggos ❤️ This is Mhya! She's an elderly goofball who's convinced she's still a puppy. She spends 90% of her time sleeping and the other 10% pouncing around with her butt in the air trying to lick peoples' faces and/or get belly rubs. I love her to bits. She is the most ridiculous and precious doggo and she loves literally everyone she meets. Also, despite being a "scary" staffy she is absolutely terrified of my neighbours chihuahua mix and will literally hide behind me from this dog that is a third of her size... my poor girl... 😂 I used to have another dog, Oscar, but when I moved out of my parents' place he stayed with them. I still see him practically every day though! This is he: He is a potato in dog form. He's the most chill, laid-back dog I've ever known. He's also the most socially awkward dog I've ever known - he never seems interested in meeting other dogs and is FAR more interested in walking and eating grass (?? yeah idk but there's nothing medically wrong with him, he's just... real strange). He also loves cuddles. And he cries a lot, especially if someone has pizza and refuses to share with him. He's a bit of a drama queen tbh. So! Tell me about your pets! Share pictures! 😄
  3. Charias

    Never have I ever

    Me neither... would love to one day, though! Actually one of my unrealistic dreams is to learn to pilot one, haha. Never have I ever been to the US.
  4. Charias

    18+ Section

    I think an 18+ forum is a good idea, but personally I'd appreciate if it wasn't exclusively for NSFW stuff. There's plenty of more "adult" subjects that are still fine for younger folks to read, just not exactly relevant to them. So I guess basically what I'm saying is if a 18+ subforum is implemented, it'd be cool to have a general adult chat that's not for NSFW stuff as well as a NSFW subforum (...says the obvious ace/aro who doesn't want to be left out lol).
  5. So many times, I've tried to articulate exactly what my spirit kintype is - but I've never found a way to describe it that feels exactly right. I even stumble over the label sometimes; I'm certainly a nature spirit, though I can't help but think I'm just... nothing like what most people would imagine when they hear that. Before this, I said I was an energy being - which, again, isn't wrong. But that always felt too ambiguous, and weirdly... clinical? Like trying to say I'm a spirit without any connection to spirituality (which I certainly am not). And before that, I said I was a demon. That word still rings true to me, but it has too much baggage. Celestial is the same; certainly true, but not in the way you'd assume. So many times I've tried to find a way to describe myself. And today, I guess, I'm going to try again. 4.4 billion years ago, there was a planet, floating in orbit around a star; no different from any other small rocky planet, really. Just another lifeless orb in the vastness of space. But, by some coincidence, there was nearby another, smaller planet - and the two were on a collision course. Scientists call this hypothetical planet Theia. It is theorised that the two planets collided in some immense, catastrophic impact, and that Theia's remains - over time - eventually came to form two moons that then - over an even longer span of time - merged into one. If you look up into the sky on a clear night, you can still see the remains of old Theia up there; but we just call it the Moon. And the larger planet, the one which survived the impact (mostly) intact, was Earth. That impact is my oldest memory. It's hard to put into words exactly how I remember it; it's all so vague and confusing, but this... feels right. Ultimately, I've learned to trust that feeling when all else has led me astray. In this chaos of heat and energy, suddenly there was... me. Except, I wasn't much of a "me" at all. A massive, unfeeling, barely conscious mass of-- I guess, residual energy? Or perhaps some sort of imprint left behind by it all. I certainly didn't exist in any form before that point. The feelings associated with this memory are incredibly vague and hard to understand, but there's impressions of heat and light and certain movements, trajectories; flows of gravity, magma and debris. One of the clearer impressions I get is of being flung from non-existence into the core of the Earth, to which I've been spiritually bound ever since, like some part of me is coiled around the planet's heart. And that... that's where my story starts. In some desolate rock, alone, floating in the void of space. I used to wonder why those early memories are the clearest to me but, reflecting on it, I think I know the answer. Most of my existence was spent in a state of... quasi-consciousness, with no thoughts, no feelings, no desires. I didn't even have a form. I was... kind of... just... the planet? The Earth itself? Rock, gas, magma, metal. Eruptions and earthquakes and lightning storms. I watched it all, impassively. For a couple billion years, that was my existence. That's all I was. Everything, but barely anything at all. And I think the reason I remember that more clearly than anything else, is because that's how I spent the longest period of my... "life"; and the period after that, while certainly slow by human standards, to me felt like an overwhelming flurry of rapid-fire changes - I can remember the aeons before that because nothing really happened besides the planet's natural volcanic activity. There wasn't much to remember. So I suppose it's easier to wrap my mind around that, strangely enough. Then my memory starts to get even hazier, and I only have the briefest impressions of what happened next. I know that at some point, life began to evolve - starting off as tiny, self-sustaining chemical systems that eventually isolated themselves from their surroundings, and formed what we call "cells". I don't remember that specifically, but I've done a lot of research on it; it's something I've been curious about for... probably obvious reasons, and what I've learned so far gives me the most misplaced feeling of nostalgia. I know that over time I developed some affinity for these early lifeforms as they diversified and became more complex... but I don't know how that happened. People tend to think of life as a thing that just randomly appeared out of nowhere (even atheists tend to have this idea that life suddenly happened somehow, like a single spark that eventually led to all of us) when in reality it was more... gradual and ambiguous. Again, I'm going off science here, not memory, but it does fit in pretty solidly into the 'kin feelings I have regarding this. I guess where I tend to stumble a bit is that... at that point in time, I had no emotions, no thoughts, nothing even vaguely resembling what most people would consider "consciousness"; those things are all biological, and I only learned to experience those things much later, after I'd lived many lives as animals. So I don't know what it is that made primordial-me take an interest in life. I guess the thing I associate with it is... this weird feeling of, I guess what could be equated to wonder? Or awe? But I don't know what those feelings mean in a non-biological entity. I've felt the feeling before, but I can only comprehend that stuff when I'm m-shifted, and even then... well, I usually end up with a nasty headache if I try to analyse it, and never made any headway regardless. I don't think it's something a human can understand. Not even me. But what I do know is that there was enough of that feeling that primordial-me decided to take some interest in these life-things, and that's the first decision I ever made. First time I ever had intention or a purpose. It's the foundation on which the rest of my actual traits as a spirit being are built upon. Whenever, whyever I decided to do that - that was the moment I stopped being a bunch of sentient rocks and started being an actual thing. Something with thoughts and ideas and meaning. So, suffice to say it's a very important part of my identity as a spirit-thing. And my purpose is... basically to live and remember. I don't protect. I don't effect things. I just do what I can to preserve the story of the Earth. A lot of people in modern times, when they think of nature spirits, think of like... benevolent, peaceful tree people or something. I am the... polar opposite of something "benevolent" and "peaceful". Look at it this way: all life on Earth survives, and is as diverse as it is, because of death. It's thanks to mortality and mutation that life can evolve into new forms, and withstand certain environments. And it's the story itself, not any individual being or species, that I aim to preserve. I'm a watcher. I watch the struggle and I think the pain and death is beautiful. I think that birth and life and seeing things thrive is beautiful as well. I see no line between the two. I don't protect life; the only thing I protect life from is outside interference, and from being lost from all memory forever. It's not that I don't empathise with an animal that's dying: it's just that if I tried to interfere with that, I would be robbing that meal from other animals which I love equally, right down to the microorganisms that decompose it; and I'd be robbing that animal's ecosystem of nutrients that would be produced as it rots. Spirit-me sees all life as inherently equal, no matter how small or "insignificant" it might seem to a human. Spirit-me would see a human as being no better or more valuable than a single bacterium living in that person's gut. One of the things that becomes eminently clear when you exist for so long is that all life - all species - are temporary. And it's the death of one kind that leads to the rise of another, so of course spirit-me wouldn't even try to change that. Instead, spirit-me honours the lifeforms it cares for so dearly by remembering them. Living as them, feeling all the fear and pain and happiness, dying, remembering, doing it all over again for aeons. Cataloguing every bit of it. Preserving it, so that their struggle always has meaning - because there's something there that remembers it, and understands it, and sees where it fits into the ridiculously complex mosaic of life. Hence... why I'm here now. As a human. Yep. I don't get access to the shit tons of past life memories that spirit-me has hoarded away (thankfully, for my sanity's sake) but. I mean. Good news, everything I experience here is probably going to be remembered by some spiritual monstrosity until the Earth is consumed by the Sun, and among that ridiculous hoard of memories will be some pretty damn spicy memes. 👌 The "guardian" part of my spirit-self is a bit harder for me to wrap my head around. Thing is, spirit-me has nothing against all the things humans have done to the planet. It sees humans as animals, and it sees all the chaos we've caused as just another mass extinction, no different than any other the planet has been through. So what the heck is it protecting life from? I mean, I'm not sure, but I know it's something. And I know that something tends to get translated to "outside interference" in my mind. What the hell does that mean? I mean, I don't actually know? I do know that spirit-me has serious problems with certain beings that humans call "gods". I don't know why that is. Do gods meddle? Maybe gods meddle and that makes spirit-me mad. Spirit-me doesn't like anything that meddles with the natural order of things, good or bad. Would explain why spirit-me tends to threaten any gods I try to interact with... and also would explain some of the ominous thoughts I've had coming through when I m-shift. But the impression I get is that whatever battle spirit-me is waging, it's losing. Badly. I also get the impression that the only reason I still exist at all is because I can't die short of the Earth itself being destroyed, which of course no spirit entity would be capable of doing even if they wanted to. But all that is really hard to wrap my head around, because frankly it sounds ridiculous. I didn't even believe in gods until these weird memories started leaking through, then I started casually practising witchcraft and met a few myself. It sounds made up, but at the same time I know it's not something I would make up. Because I find the idea of any of that being even remotely true to be absolutely, existentially terrifying. I can't think of a reason why my subconscious would invent such a confusing narrative that I can't even understand, that also happens to be really stressful and unpleasant for me to deal with? But I digress. I suppose... one of the other Big impressions I get from my spirit-self isn't so much related to my kintype itself, but... weirdly enough, to humanity. And it's another one of those "yep, not sure how to deal with this so I guess I'll just ignore it and hope it never becomes relevant to anything" things. To put it plainly, spirit-me doesn't consider humans to be natural. At all. Like, it so blatantly thinks our species is a result of some sort of "meddling" (of the aforementioned ambiguous type), and yep, I don't know what it actually attributes this "meddling" to. But it considers humans to be integrally broken. We're something that absolutely should not exist. But it doesn't hate humans, because it considers humans to be victims. It pities us, as a species. Nah, instead it hates whatever unknown force is apparently responsible for whatever it is that makes humanity so "broken". And like, personally, as an individual, as a human? I can... kinda see it. Humans are so fricking weird. We screw with the natural order of things in a way that no other animal ever has. So I guess... maybe something did "break" us? But I don't know what, and I don't care to know. All I know is that spirit-me wants to tear whatever did it into tiny pieces and then possibly eat those pieces (or... maybe not, actually. It would find it distasteful to eat something so loathsome. So basically, whatever this thing is, my spirit-self doesn't even see it as worthy to be food. Nice). Appearance-wise, my spirit kintype is incorporeal - it doesn't have a body. The closest thing it has to a body is the Earth itself. I think it does have a form it takes in certain situations, though. Well, I say "a form", but really it's more like... it can take any form it wants, but the forms it takes all share a kind of theme. I used to picture it as a big black dragon, but I think that was me projecting traits onto it to make it easier for me to understand and deal with. And frankly, I don't know what form this thing actually "is", or whether the forms I attribute to it are from me or it. Doesn't really matter either way. To me, I see it as this polymorphic mass of shards of igneous rock (specifically something resembling obsidian or basalt), held together by this glowing stream of energy the colour of fire and heat and lightning. It is an inherently animalistic being, having learned all its emotions from lives lived as animals, so its forms also tend to be animalistic in nature - but always twisted and grotesque, like something trying to mimic life without actually being alive. This feels more symbolic than literal to me - I think it chooses to represent itself that way. So if you wanted to imagine what this thing might look like, imagine an asymmetrical beast of black stone whose form seems to take elements from a massive variety of different species without truly resembling any, with limbs and mouths and eyes all in weird and terrible places; something whose form is constantly shifting and morphing from one horrifying thing to the next. That is me. But despite all the, uh, love for death and seeming apathy towards most things outside of its own sphere, I don't think my kintype is "bad". I feel like a human seeing it would certainly peg it as some kind of demonic aberration before they flee, screaming, but. It feels the full range of animal emotion, and that includes things like love, affection, sympathy. It was hard for me to really grasp this at first, because to me - as someone who had no idea what was going on or what any of this meant - all I saw was some rage-filled monster. But it's not really. It's... if anything, I'd say it's sad. And it's in constant mourning for all the species that have been lost to time, with only stone to mark their passing. I'd even go as far as to say it does have some kind of benevolent streak, but only insofar as it hates to see life wasted. In a way I guess I perceive it as something that feels this constant, inescapable conflict - because it really does love life. It loves animals and plants and every other weird thing that lives on this weird planet. But it also knows those things have to suffer and die, because that's the way of the world. It is pretty telling that I switched from first to third person while writing this. It's hard to see this thing as being actually me. Like, I know it is me, but it's so different from what I am now, as a human. So in some ways it's easier to refer to it as something separate, even when I know it isn't. Plus, there's plenty I think and feel as a human that's completely different from what my spirit-self feels. And ultimately? When it comes to my life here, now? None of this matters. I'm no different from anyone else. I don't see myself as any different. Honestly, the only time I ever even have to deal with this spiritual baggage is when I shift (which is rare) or when I'm practising witchcraft or energy work, or when I'm interacting with my deities (in which situation I can usually shove spirit-me into some corner and ignore it; plus, like, my main man god dude is completely aware of my "baggage" and is cool with it so it's fine). But I am the most flaky, lazy witch out there so even that doesn't come up often. So yeah. Weirdly enough, though this kintype is absolutely the most deep and integral one to me on a spiritual level, it's not something I think about often and certainly doesn't have as much presence in my daily life as my theriotype/s do. And it is definitely not something I feel the need to express or embrace. I can accept it, but. That's it. Acceptance is as far as this goes. Might be obvious by now why I struggle with labels. I feel most humans would pin this thing as a god, but it is absolutely, definitely not a god. I used to call myself a demon, and like I already said - that still fits. I'm a morally ambiguous nature chaos thing. Certainly fits some definitions of "demon." And on a more literal level you could argue that I'm literally a spirit of the Earth itself; my spirit-self sees itself as being quite literally the Earth's soul, but that's a big ass claim to make and I'm certainly not gonna try and argue for that title. So, I mean. Most obvious label. I'm a big, scary nature spirit. Works well enough for me. Oh, and that's one more thing I should probably cover if I'm making this write-up as thorough as humanly possible: in the past I've toyed with the idea that I might be a "shard" of this thing, in the same vein as a deitykin would be a godshard. Welp, after much thinking, I've realised that that's probably not the case. My spirit-self doesn't seem to have shards or divide itself up. It seems like it prefers to live one life at a time, and focus all of its being on the single life it is living. So yeah. I'm literally the avatar of the whole thing. Obviously you can't cram an entire planet-size energy mass into a single human body, but as far as I can tell, the rest of spirit-me goes dormant while some part of it incarnates. It's sleeping, basically. It's asleep, I'm the dream. Yeeep. So. I guess, to anyone who actually read this: make of it what you want. I feel like I probably have one of the most outlandish kintypes on this site. And yep, I'm fully aware of how ridiculous this all sounds. As always, I'm more than happy to... try and answer any questions anyone might have. Seriously, grill away - I actually appreciate it. Make me doubt myself, if you can. I might edit this later to add more information if I feel like I've forgot anything. This took me days. I never want to write about spiritual bs EVER AGAIN. Agh.
  6. Charias

    Idle thoughts 1

    I just realised it's been nearly six years since I awakened. Time sure flies, doesn't it? Six years... and I'm two months away from my 21st birthday. Crazy. I'm not sure what I'm really writing this for, or what I'm trying to express here. I'm just rambling, I guess. But I find some of the best insights can come from just letting your mind wander like this. I guess... I've been awakened for six years. And I've mostly figured things out, right? I know what I am, almost, kind of-- close enough, whatever. There's no more questions left for me to ask. I know what I believe. I even know why I'm here, right now - why I'm human. (I am human. Mostly. Kind of. Maybe.) And frankly, I don't feel the need to hide the fact that I'm not exactly like everyone else; at least, not like I used to. Not that I go out announcing it either, but secrecy isn't constantly on my mind and I don't think it'd be the end of the world if other people found out. And I don't feel dysphoria so much anymore, from any source. So... where does that leave me? Is the journey done? Have I figured it out? Did I win? I always used to say, "never stop questioning." But there's nothing left to question. My mind hasn't got room for any more deep spiritual mysteries. Which is good, right? Except, in a way, it's... not? I'm practically still a kid! I'm not supposed to have myself figured out! I'm not supposed to understand my beliefs or the core parts of my identity. I'm not supposed to know my personality back-to-front, so well that I can write a ten-thousand word essay detailing exactly who I am and why I'm like that. It's like I got so damn distracted chasing some inner truths that I forgot I was supposed to be living too. I forgot that I'm meant to be young and dumb and have no idea who I am. And I guess I'll pin part of the blame on my mental health issues keeping me stuck in my room and stuck in my own head for way too long. Which is not to say I regret knowing who I am. Not one bit. But then I'm left with this awkward situation of. Well. What now? And now, finally, I get why it's so hard for older otherkin to stick around the community. There's no mystery left to solve. It's done. Finished. Case closed! Except, I kind of miss that feeling of exploring the unknown. I miss that first dive into spirituality; I miss putting together the clues, trying to figure out who and what I am. Now? Well, I mean - I'm an immortal, immensely powerful spirit-thing. I don't have all the details about what that entails, but I know more than enough. I know that part of me pretty well by now, in fact. I've battled with it for long enough. And I can control it well enough too, even call it up if I need it (though, I mean, the situations like that are few and far between). And it is crazy - but damn if it doesn't get more mundane every day I live with it. How do you get used to something like that? Welp, time will do crazy things. All sorts of weird stuff can become normal if you live with it for long enough. It used to be a monster that'd keep me awake at night from fear. Now it's just... this thing that's shut away in one corner of my head, and occasionally I take it out for walks like a good little doggy. Of course, there's not a whole lot else I can do. It's kind of... intense. Angry boi. It's like a scared, feral animal, lashing out against its cage. I mean, let's see: the last time I mental shifted, I threatened a god. Which is not a new occurrence. Not at all. Spirit-me doesn't like gods. Not to even mention the time I was having trouble with a ghost and spirit-me went and threatened to eat it (or, okay, the spiritual equivalent of that). It's an animal. Like. No, bad higher self. The adults are talking. Go to your bed. That's literally what it feels like. This isn't what spirituality is supposed to be. This is ridiculous. Part of me wants the mystery back. I kind of miss being scared. Y'know how hard it is to be scared of ghosts and demons when you know you have a god-tier attack dog locked away in the back of your head that will gladly tear them to pieces? And have a fun time doing it too? I can't even do the religion thing right, because when it comes down to it, as humble as I try to be, nothing's going to convince my pet higher self that it couldn't destroy them if it really wanted to (and I mean, it's even weirder because I can't actually tell whether that's hubris or whether this thing literally is on the same level as the gods I try to work with). And like? How am I supposed to involve myself with, say, the witch community - when, for one, it's really hard for me to respect any god or spirit as my better, and two, I can't get behind a lot of the typical spiritual ideals because my spiritual self is a chaos-death-destruction-life-nature-spirit-demon-planet-god?? There! See! I had no idea what I was going to write today. I just let myself ramble and this happened. Enlightening. Now this chaos-death-destruction-life-nature-spirit-demon-planet-god is gonna go play some games and watch cartoons because this chaos-death-destruction-life-nature-spirit-demon-planet-god doesn't give a shit. 👌
  7. I used to play a lot of mobile games but I eventually got tired of most of them. There's only three I still really play! Pokemon Go is the main one, since it's one of the few things that can get me to go out for walks everyday. I'm still pretty new to it, I guess, but I do really enjoy it! Team Instinct best team. 😄 I also sometimes play Merge Dragons or Zen Koi 2 when I'm trying to relax or get to sleep. I play Jurassic World: The Game on-and-off. I like collecting and evolving the different creatures, even though the, uh, "questionable" anatomy and design choices kinda bug me. It's a good time waster. I've never been really competitive about it or anything though. I just wanna get a Yudon and I can die happy lol. FLUFF BOI.
  8. Sometimes it takes a shadow

    Blocking out the light

    To finally recognise

    The beauty of the night

  9. Morality struggle: I can't figure out if I'm a good person who's deluded into thinking they're bad, or a bad person who's desperately trying to be good. I do know that I'm hard to like. I mostly think, though, that I'm just lost and confused and trying to find a path that works for all of me and all of everyone else too. (Which is awkward when part of me is an animal and part is an angry death spirit but eh, I'll probably maybe figure it out).

  10. Charias

    Here's to the pack

    Once upon a time, I was a wolf. I had fur, paws, pointed ears. I lived in the snow and killed for food. I didn't think about myself, or about the world. I didn't think, but I felt. I felt so, so much. And most of all, more than anything else, I felt love. Love for my pack. They weren't just some animals that happened to be genetically related to me. I didn't follow them because I needed them to survive. I loved them. Pure, simple, unquestionable. Everything I did, I did for them. They were my purpose. They were my heart. They were my soul. I say I have vivid memories. I do. I have a lot. But I don't really know how accurate those memories are. It was so long ago, now. I've been a human thrice as long as I was a wolf. My mind is biased and it makes its own worlds. Its own realities. I can't stop it. Same way I can't prove what I say. I remember my brother was black. I remember his pale eyes. Was he really black? Not many Eurasian wolves are black. And how would a black wolf survive in a place that was coated in snow for most of the year? I remember him as being black. I don't think he was really black. But I don't mind. I don't care. What he looked like doesn't matter. What matters is the feeling that wells up in my chest when I think about him. What matters is that my love for him, and my loyalty to him, survived my death. Survived death and two decades of life as some other thing, with another family and another home. And it still burns just as strong. And I still miss him. I don't miss him as that black wolf that I remember from another life. I miss him as my brother. I miss him as the one I trusted most, the one who always had my back. I miss him as a packmate. I miss him as family. And the others. His mate, who I used to bicker with. We'd tussle over dominance. She was his mate, but she wasn't the boss of me. Our fights weren't for fun. But we'd still curl up together when the snows were at their most bitter. We'd still hunt together and share our food. I don't miss her like I miss my brother. But I know he loved her. And that was enough for me. And the pups. They were his and hers, of course. I don't know why I didn't have pups myself. Maybe I couldn't. Or maybe I didn't want to. I don't know if wolves can be like that. I know I'm like that now, so maybe. They weren't my offspring. I wasn't their mother. But I was a very good aunt. I loved them so much. As much as I loved my brother. I looked after them sometimes. And I played with them a lot. More than their parents did. I was the fun one. I would pounce around and chase them. When they got older I wrestled with them. I would've done anything to protect them. Their mother didn't like me, but I think she knew that. I think she knew I'd look after them. That I cared for them like they were my own. Then I died. I never got to see them grow up. And my brother died. Just before me. I remember it as... chaos and fear. A big noise and running, then my brother's blood. Looking at him as he bled into the snow. Then I guess I died. I don't remember it hurting. It should have hurt. Maybe it did. Maybe it's just that no physical pain could compete with what I felt as I saw my brother dying, right in front of me. It still hurts. It really hurts. This pain in my chest. Heartbreak, I guess. It's hard to make out what really happened. I think we were shot from a helicopter, but I don't really know. It was so confusing. It must have been humans, though. Nothing else makes so much noise. Nothing else makes things just die like that. With the blood and the pain. Out of nowhere. It didn't make sense. How could I fight something I couldn't see? Protect them from something I couldn't understand? But I never saw the others die. I saw them run, and run, and run. I think they made it back to the treeline. I hope they did. I think they did. It was years ago that these memories came back to me. It changed me. A lot. It's hard to explain. The first memories came back in dreams. Later on, I started meditating. Trying to figure out what it all meant. My memories are probably not "accurate". Just like how I know my brother probably wasn't black. Maybe there's other blanks my subconscious mind has filled, without me even knowing about it. But there's one thing I do know is real - and that's the emotions I feel about all of this. You can't make up those kinds of feelings. You can't simulate that kind of love, or pain. I know I had a pack. I know I loved them with all my heart. That's all that matters to me anyway. The strangest thing though, is... back in August, I had another dream. Like the ones I used to have, years ago. It was strange. For a while I didn't even remember it. It was during the day, it suddenly popped back into my head out of nowhere. In the dream, I was in a forest, just like the one where I used to live. I don't know if I was a wolf or a human; I don't think it mattered. My mind was a wolf. I wasn't thinking about me. Wolves don't do that. And in the forest, there was other wolves, but not my pack. There were so many. Over a dozen. A lot more than were in my pack. They all looked vaguely similar. Some of them looked a little like me. In most dreams where there's wolves, I get this feeling of conflict. Like they're a threat. But there wasn't any of that here. It was like we were all one big pack. I spent the dream walking among them, meeting them. And halfway through the dream - you know how sometimes in dreams, you just know things? Well halfway though the dream, I realised they were my family. But not a family I'd known. They were my relatives. Except, of course, in a wolf's mind it's not split into how they're related to you, categorised into nieces or nephews or anything like that. It was just this pure, simple knowledge that they were my family in some way. That was all that happened. I guess the scene just naturally faded away at some point. I don't remember anything else. I don't know why I had that dream. But maybe it means the pups survived. Maybe some of them had pups of their own. Maybe I didn't fail as a packmate. If they survived, then it wasn't for nothing. Maybe my family's still out there now. I hope so. I hope they're happy and healthy and eat lots of reindeer and have lots of pups. I know I could never meet them. Some part of me wishes I could. But they wouldn't know me. To them, I'm just a human. And to me, now... I guess they're just wolves. But they're not. And they never could be. Because there's a feeling in my chest that tells me - even if they're not real, or even if they wouldn't know me, I still love them. Because that's just what it's like to be part of a pack. It doesn't need to make sense. Because they're me, and they're my brother, and they're his mate I used to fight, and they're the pups we raised. If they live, then we run with them. In a way.
  11. Oh wow, I didn't realise that. Yep, definitely support privacy options - and I don't think public visibility should be the default.
  12. Charias

    What I Mean When I Say I'm an Atheist

    Your beliefs sound very similar to mine! I consider myself Pagan and have one "god" that I interact with on a semi-regular basis, but I don't worship him or see him as any "higher" than myself. He doesn't claim to be anything more than that, and is perfectly fine with the fact that I treat him as a weird friend rather than a superior. And, as you might have noticed, I don't capitalise his pronouns or anything like that. Personally, I tend to view gods as just spirits that are associated with humanity in one way or another. I don't think they're inherently stronger than other spirits (of course there is a line somewhere... like, a random human spirit couldn't just decide to be a god... but beyond that? I don't know, the line is blurry). But yeah, my idea of "gods" isn't the typical idea of them, for sure. There's certainly some gods I respect and/or wouldn't want to mess with, but that's the same as how there's some people I wouldn't mess with. At the end of the day, I see them on equal terms to me. I don't fear them, and they can lose my respect just like a human can. If they have a problem with that, they're welcome to fight me. 😛
  13. *makes polls*

    *stalks polls intensely*

    FEED THE P O L L S

    1. Reiji

      Reiji

      I think they're a great idea, will you be making one for hearted types? Just for curiosity's sake.

    2. Charias

      Charias

      @Reiji I was planning on it, yes! 😄 

  14. I definitely support this! Or if not, perhaps a new AMA forum? I really enjoyed having the chance to ask/answer questions.
  15. Charias

    Show off your pets!

    Aaa such beautiful lil floof dinosaurs, I love them ❤️ ❤️
  16. merry spookmas nerds

  17. Charias

    Long way up

    Ah, it's nice to have a blog again. I really missed this place. Felt kind of lost without it, to be honest! So. I guess. It's been a while, and I kind of wanted to just... write about what's going on for me. A lot's changed over the past few months, in the absolute best way. People who knew me on the old site... well, you probably noticed I wasn't exactly healthy for most of the time I was on here. I've been struggling with mental health issues for a long time. And for a very long time, it was hard convincing myself that anything would ever change - that I could ever truly get "better". It's so hard to see hope when you're depressed, or when your anxiety keeps you isolated from the world. I lived like that for way too long. Wasn't my fault, of course... as ever, I was just a victim of shitty circumstance. And I don't know if there's any other way it could've gone. Sometimes the only way to get out of something is to go through it. And I did. And I kept myself alive, kept myself safe. And now it's paying off. I moved out of my parents' place. It was stressful at first but I adapted quickly (that's something I'm kind of good at)! And yeah, they were right - this is what I needed. Freedom! Independence! I got really lucky, I have to be honest. Was searching for a place for ages, kept getting turned away because I'm young, or 'cause I'm unemployed, or 'cause of the dog. But then I found this place. It's perfect. Small, but not tiny. Big shared garden. Quiet neighbours. And only a five minute walk from my parents' place. Plus it's affordable, and the landlord's a really good guy. Mhya lives here with me so I don't get too lonely. It's better than I could've hoped. Meanwhile the psychiatrist decided to try me on some new antidepressants, which actually work! It's amazing what a difference it makes, being on the right medication. I feel alive for the first time in years. No more stupid intrusive thoughts, no more self-hatred, and I can actually feel happy now instead of just swinging between kinda depressed and very depressed. I still have bad days, but they're not as bad as they used to be. I have so much more energy and motivation. And because of that, I've started to work though my anxiety issues as well! And I've made so much progress, alone, just pushing myself to do better. I can do this. I don't need anyone to hold my hand. So now I've applied for a provisional driving license, and saved up enough to get driving lessons once that comes through. Once I get a car (and can drive it) I can go to the college I want to! It's about an hour's drive from here - way too far to do on public transport, but a reasonable distance to drive and definitely worth it! I'm going to do a course in animal care, then move onto veterinary nursing. I think being a vet tech is definitely the thing for me. I love animals and want to work with them, but I'm not squeamish and can deal with the more unpleasant parts of the job. Plus, there's a chance from there I could move onto something even more interesting, like working with the captive breeding programs at Edinburgh Zoo! But we'll see what happens. What else? Oh, I'm a vegetarian now. For ethical reasons. But I'm a weird vegetarians because I will eat meat, just not farmed meat. Once I've got the transport thing sorted I'm going to learn to fish and hunt small game for myself. A lot of animals here in the UK are invasive and overpopulating, so I can kill two birds with one stone - live a lifestyle that works with my wolfish nature, and help the environment at the same time. And me and my daemon, Khar (blue text dude!!) accidentally formed a median system but we're completely okay with it. He can front, and holds down the fort if I dissociate from anxiety - he's actually kinda better at dealing with people than I am, ahah. Most of the time we co-front and work together that way. He's... been an absolute lifesaver for me. Sometimes literally. I would be lost without this weirdo. hh flattery no stap . Lately we've been getting back into the daemonism scene and it's fun as ever! Khar's got a new personal form now, which is a ludicrously vibrant dromaeosaur (chosen and designed by himself, of course!). We figured out my Pullman form, which is an American black bear and almost certainly settled. Best form. We're still tripping over the analytical side of things but striped hyenas remain promising, and if not, possibly reptiles? I should quit talking about this now though or I will ramble off into oblivion. (If you're curious about it, PLEASE talk to me about daemonism. I will always talk about daemonism. It is wholesome). Aaaand writing this was a good way to pass half an hour! Heading off into the city today to run errands with my mum. I think it's gonna be nice. Also I'm going to buy us expensive pizza and it will be awesome.
  18. Charias

    Long way up

    @Cipher Yeah, my family doesn't hunt either so it's gonna be interesting learning! It's not a big part of our culture here at all. I don't think I've ever met someone in the UK who actually hunts? Which is surprising because there are a lot of invasive species here and they're all good game! Rabbits, hare, squirrels, pheasants... all sorts really. One thing I was surprised to learn is that you don't even need a permit to hunt some animals here, just the land-owner's permission. Most native species have specific hunting seasons, but the main game species are all non-native or wildly overpopulating, so a lot of them don't actually have hunting seasons. Since they're considered pests, you can take them year-round. Beyond that... I'm not sure how it works with large game since you'd need a real gun for that and those are... very much not something that's easy to get hold of here! But for small game you can use an air rifle, which you don't need a licence for. Also another thing is it's illegal to hunt using alternative weapons like bows/crossbows here (I think for ethical reasons?). But yeah, it's literally just buy a decent air rifle then find some farmer who's willing to let you hunt on their land. The main problem I'm facing is that I'm not sure where I can go to practice... eh, I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it though! Fishing is similar in that you just kind of buy a rod then find someone who'll let you fish on their land. There's a few species that are restricted and you need a license to catch (salmon, for one) but with most common freshwater fish it's just a matter of knowing when the open season is, and knowing how to identify the different types so you don't take something protected, restricted or out of season. Fishing the ocean is pretty much the same (I'm not sure I'd do that personally though! Plus like, I don't have a boat and I'm not planning on getting a boat lol).
  19. Charias

    Pointless update is pointless

    It sucks, having been in a similar mindset... knowing how it feels but also knowing exactly how little the platitudes help. I wish there was something I could do to help, I really do. I spent way too long in that pit myself, and it is a horrible way to live. I guess... I just want to say... stay strong. Hold on. Doesn't feel like it now, but give yourself time and things will get better. And yep, those sound just like the platitudes I used to hate so much... agh, I'm sorry. But... if you ever feel like you want to talk to someone who kinda gets it, my inbox is open. Keep yourself safe.
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