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I said I wasn't going to use this blog for venting, but it's probably better to get this stuff out. So instead I might use it occasionally to vent kin-related things. At least then I'm not completely off track. I've had a lot of stuff on my mind the past few days. If I'm being honest, I've been kind of all over the place. I haven't felt like socialising much, which is why I haven't really been around. It's been a busy and stressful week. I'm a little burned out, I think. And sometimes things start creeping in on the edge of my thoughts, even when I'm not thinking about any of this stuff at all. Species dysphoria is a big one. It's amazing how much such a thing can affect me. It's so overwhelmingly depressing, to long so strongly for something that is, on every single level, completely and utterly impossible. And to be so torn by it - what if I could turn into a wolf? Would I? I don't like wolves. I like being a human. Sure, there's a lot that I miss, but... would I really give up what I have now? I don't know, and that indecision makes it worse. I hate my body. I hate that thing I see when I look in the mirror. I hate that I have hands that can type this. But I love being able to type it, and being able to do all the other human things I do. It's so painful to be so polarised. And it's redundant anyway... I'm never going to be anything except what I am. Then things take a turn for the worst. I get to thinking - well, my body's broken, my brain's broken, and I know I've got a hell of an existence waiting for me on the other side. No stress, no depression, no dysphoria, just existence. I can be whatever I want, go wherever I want. So many possibilities. But, of course, that's not actually an option. Even on my darkest days, that's never really an option. I've got a family to look after. I've got a life here. I'm not going to fail my family again. Not after what happened the last time around. No, I'll stick around, because I have to protect them, and gods know they need it sometimes. So then I think, well, hey, if I can't just go back to being what I am, I could just teach myself to lucid dream - or, even better, astral travel. How hard can it be, right? But you need motivation to take on a project like that. You need to have some belief that it's gonna work. Big problem for a sceptic dealing with spiritual stuff: you have to believe before you can ever hope to get any kind of "proof". And you have to stop worrying about whether or not it's crazy, and whether or not it's real. If I was in a good state of mind, I could probably do it. But not like this. And where does that leave me? All this dysphoria, all these dark thoughts, and no way out. My life itself is causing me claustrophobia. See, for me, claustrophobia isn't specifically a fear of crowds or small spaces; it's a fear of being trapped. That's why, in some classic claustrophobic situations, I'm fine. Crowds don't set of my claustrophobia because I know, if worst comes to worst, I can just shove my way out. But when it comes to my body, to my brain, to my life? That's the tightest trap of all, and there's no way out of here. Circular thoughts. It doesn't help. Help helps, but I'm still waiting on that. The meds help, but they aren't perfect. Maybe they'll right the balance in my brain, but they won't fix the faults in my mind. They won't change the fact that I don't feel like I belong here, and I don't have a place here. There's nothing here for me that I want. Responsibility binds me here, that is all. This is dark. I'm fine, really, I am. But I do have depression. Dark thoughts are just part of that, I guess. At least here, I can get some of them out. Vent some of this frustration that drives me into the ground. This situation is so messed up. Why am I here? What am I here for? Do I even want to know? ...No. No, I don't think that I do. Cheer up, kid. We've got this. It isn't as bad as you think it is right now, and you know it. This is just your brain being a mess. It'll pass, Rookie. For real, it will. We should probs get going sleep though, don't'cha think? It's getting hella late. C'mon. Off t'bed with ya, you ridiculous wolf thing. >:) OI! OI, DON'T YOU DARE GO DO OTHER THINGS! BED! NOW! But I'm hungryyyy. No you're not. Comfort eating = bad. You get to bed right now, mister! *grumbling noises* What would I do without this guy? For real? You'd get distracted watching YouTube videos again, you big fricking nerd. Bed. That way. *points*